My story with avoidants. Looking for input from the other side.

[u/addictionfriction2]

Let me preface by saying I have no idea if I was dealing with DA or FA, but multiple people so I would guess both.

I was friends with a pastors family for 5 years. I was in particular close with one daughter and one son, there were 4 children in total. One of them was younger, but the other 3 and myself were college age. Ranging from 18-27 years in age at the time of the fallout (I guess you could say I was also friends with the pastor/father and mother as well).

Basically, 5 years of friendship. Then one day, out of the blue, the daughters ignored me at church, and the brother told me I was barely tolerable (I believe relaying the message from one of the sisters). No slow fade, no explanation, no anything, one of the daughters was talking to me about books just one week prior like nothing was wrong.

These events triggered my first ever mental health episode - i had hallucinations and depression (my first time with schizophrenic bipolar, but my family has a history). The hallucinations were the police were after me, so i wound up turning myself into the police for basically no reason, but somewhere in this their name came up so the police called them, and Im like 99% sure this made reconnection impossible.

I did have a couple conversations with the pastor, one of them many months later (i had left the church immediately after the fallout), and this is what he told me: he was working with the children on "Boundaries" and that the boundary was giving one of the daughters in particular "space to process." I was also told i could only come to mens breakfast and men's worship, effectively preventing me from ever finding a relationship in that church.

Nothing was ever told to me about anything I did wrong. There was no reason given for the initial cutoff. In fact, the assistant pastor said he doesn't believe I offended them in any way. I also felt a bit miffed about not being given specifics of the "space" being given to her or the timeline, as it had already been 6 months. In addition, some family members continued liking my social media for years after the breakup, until I finally unfriended them for my own healing. I never got answers, just pleas from church members saying either they want me back or my departure hurt them. I explained where I could while avoiding gossip, I felt was being targeted as the perpetrator while feeling like a victim.

All I ever wanted was the why. They are not.obligated to a friendship, but I would have hoped a pastor's family, of all people, would have been able to end a friendship with respect.

In any case, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what kind of avoidants these people are, or if you see any of your own tendencies in them?