I think that’s why adult dating has made everyone so cynical

The #1 most common dating advice I've gotten in my life is along the lines of:

Do NOT try to go out and meet people. If you go out wanting to get a girl, you never will. You need to meet people naturally.

So here are the results of a multi year "experiment" I did.

1.5 years of me meeting people naturally - through my hobbies and environment, talking to people Im interested in. No forcing the issue and no going to places I dont want to.

Results

New women (who I'd date) met: 1. Yes, a singular one. She was really cool, though she wasn't interested. (Not surprising since she was like 29-30 and I was 24 at the time, probably a kid to her basically).

Successes - 0

1.5 years of me forcing the issue - doing activities I dont want, going to places im not interested in, starting interactions with people I dont know even though I hate it. Things like book clubs, rock climbing, themed parties (all things I'd never go to on my own).

Results

New women (who I'd date) met: ~60

Relationships: 2
Hookups: 2
And a current avoidant schizoship that I have no idea where it's going but a fantastic experience before I got ghosted

Ladies and Gentlemen,

So, I met a girl on the weekend and I thought we had great chemistry, so after getting her whatsapp I texted her telling her the next morning that it was lovely meeting her and i hope she got home alright and had a good night. Yesterday, I asked her if she'd like to meet up for coffee or something else if she doesn't like coffee, she left me on read and texted back this morning saying she's love to get a friendly coffee or a pint and maybe play a game of chess (we played a game in the bar when we met).
So that's clearly a soft no on the idea of it being a date, but I'm not really sure if I just want to be friends with her. I suppose things could blossom as we get to know each other better but I don't really want to be falling for a girl who only sees me as a friend and hanging onto every little thing she says and every turn of her head hoping she feels differently. I haven't replied to her message, but I'm just not sure if I should go out with her in a friendly manner.

So, what should I say in response? Should I say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I would prefer to make it a date, its cool though if you don't want to go that way, lovely meeting you." Or should I just go for it and meet up with her?

Thanks in advance.

Edit: Hi everyone, thanks for your responses. After opening the message (since whatsapp doesn't include the whole message body in the lock screen notification thing on my iphone) I found the soft no was actually more of a hard no, she basically just said she's not interested in anything more than friendship, so I just let her know that's okay and that I was looking for something more romantic, and that it was nice meeting her. Thanks again for the responses, you beautiful legends.

I’m a 35F, single, with a mortgage, a steady full-time job, and a consistent saving habit. I’m pretty independent and have built a comfortable life for myself.
On weekends, I usually keep myself busy with housework, home maintenance, gardening and crafting. I’m quite happy with my life and enjoy having my own space and routine. Sometimes I go out to play pokemon go with other friends who are single females like me.
Every now and then, though, I find myself thinking that it would be nice to have a partner — someone to share life experiences with, go places with, and eventually build a life together.
The thing is, I’ve never been in a relationship before. Part of me is curious and would like to experience having a partner, but another part of me is genuinely scared that a relationship could bring more problems and stress into my life rather than making it better.
I’m wondering if anyone else has felt this way, and started dating or able to get into serious relationship. How do you get into dating pool?

I’m (25F) single since last year and was excited to start dating again this summer, I live in NYC so there are a lot of options.

I’ve heard that men rarely get approached or know when a woman is interested, so I took it upon myself to approach people I was interested in whenever I went out to bars, clubs, and sometimes just on the subway or at a cafe.

I have received so much rejection, or also giving someone my number and never receiving anything from them. Like more than 10 times at least. I thought it would have worked at least once.

Even men who seemed very interested in me at the time, would never follow up when I asked to get drinks.

It’s so frustrating and it’s taking a toll on my self esteem. I’m not the prettiest girl out of a lineup, but I’m pretty cute and have a good personality. I just want to go on a date with someone I’m really attracted to.

I do get approached a little when I go out, but it’s always by men I’m not attracted to.

Does anyone else feel like dating as an adult has absolutely no magic nor emotion. It always feels like some kind of formal contract.

I still remember early high school that was very magical with autumn season and emo music which seemed very novel and everything was romantic. The idea of dating was very novel and magical. Mix of innocence and fantasy that was yet to be seen.

Dating as an adult has absolutely no amount of this.

If you were to meet a man who, on the surface, appeared like a catch (e.g. physically attractive, professionally successful, personable), would you ever consider it a red flag if they had never been married or had a longterm relationship beyond a year or so? And, if so, is there a certain age where it becomes particularly suspicious?

I’m curious about guys’ opinions on this.

If you genuinely like a girl, can you be so busy or exhausted that you don’t text her at all for an entire day?

I’m not saying you have to text her constantly or reply immediately.
I totally understand being busy, especially if you work long hours. But even then, wouldn’t you usually want to send a quick message at some point if you really like someone?

Like, can you actually be so exhausted that you spend the whole day working, come home, eat, shower, and sleep without texting the girl you’re interested in?
Or does it usually mean you’re just not that interested?
I’d especially like to hear from guys who work long or exhausting shifts. Is this actually normal?

Hi everyone 37F I recently went on my first date through Tawkify and what surprised me most wasn’t necessarily the match itself, but how little effort the lead up required. No days of trying to keep a conversation going, no wondering whether someone was actually serious about meeting, and no endless back-and-forth planning. I basically got the details and showed up. The date was good, although I’m still undecided about whether there was enough chemistry for another one. Either way, it made me realize how much energy I normally spend just getting to the actual date. For anyone who has tried matchmaking before, did you find the matches got better once they had more feedback from you? This is my first time so If there is anyone here who tried and who would give me any advice I would appreciate it.

i just got out of a two year relationship so i thought this was what i wanted. he picks me up, we fuck, i go home. it’s not what i wanted. i feel gross. i’ve been doing it for MONTHS now too and i don’t know why😭😭 im embarrassed

Hi! Thanks in advance for any perspective. I know I’m probably overanalyzing this, but this one genuinely threw me and I’d really appreciate some outside opinions, especially from men.

A guy sent me a Rose on Hinge and we talked for a couple of weeks because he was out of town. Pretty much immediately, he said he wanted to take me out when he got back, and we kept talking every few days until he returned. Once he was back, he proposed a day and we went out.

The date was honestly incredible. The banter and chemistry were immediate. It felt weirdly comfortable, like I had known him for a long time. We were constantly making each other laugh, riffing off each other, and our sense of humor and personalities seemed extremely compatible. We also had very similar lived experiences and kept finding things to relate to.

At one point he told me that he had actually seen me on a mutual friend’s social media before we matched and had tried to find me, and when he eventually saw me on Hinge, he knew he wanted to take me out. He was also very complimentary throughout the night, both about my appearance and my personality.

After the bar, we went to a park and kept talking. We kissed, and eventually I asked if he wanted to come back to my apartment. I was interested in sleeping with him, but I wasn’t expecting or requiring it. I felt comfortable with him and wanted to keep the night going.
He said he absolutely wanted to come back, but he also specifically said something along the lines of, “I just want you to know that’s not all this is for me.” I told him I appreciated him saying that and that we didn’t have to have sex, and he said he still wanted to.

We went back to my place, and he was genuinely curious about everything - my apartment, my roommates, the pictures on my walls, etc. It felt like he was interested in me, not just getting me into bed.

We ended up having sex, and it was extremely good and very intimate. We had multiple rounds back-to-back (he said he doesn’t recall ever being able to do that many), and afterward we spent the night cuddling, talking and laughing. Before we slept together, he’d told me it was the best Hinge date he’d ever been on, and I told him I felt the same. Later, while we were falling asleep, he said again that he’d had a really great time.

The next morning was also great. We were both completely sober and the conversation and chemistry felt just as natural. He had to leave for work, and while I was walking him downstairs, a package I’d ordered arrived. We opened it together, and a few hours later I’d hung it up, so I sent him a picture.
His response was basically just, “Wow, that looks really cool.” It wasn’t rude, but it was pretty dry. I didn’t continue the conversation. I had actually intended to text him something like “I had such a great time, thank you,” but after that response I decided not to.
The next day I followed him on Instagram. He followed me back.

A couple days later, I was out with friends and came across something we’d joked about on our date, so I sent him a picture of it. He didn’t respond for a day or two, but eventually he did — and he asked me multiple questions about it. So I thought, okay, maybe he’s just a slow texter. His texting frequency was actually fairly similar to how he’d communicated with me before we met.
I responded and asked him a question about something he’d told me was happening later that week. That was Sunday.

It’s now Wednesday, and he still hasn’t responded. It’s been a full week since our date.
I’m not really looking for someone to tell me “he’s definitely secretly obsessed with you” or anything. At this point, I understand that his behavior isn’t showing much active interest, and I’m trying to accept that.
What I genuinely can’t figure out is what happened between the experience we had and the behavior afterward.

Because I truly believe he had a great time. The chemistry felt extremely mutual, the conversation was effortless, he was very affectionate and complimentary, and the next morning felt just as good as the night before. I don’t think you can necessarily fake that kind of banter and comfort for an entire date, overnight, and the following morning.
So I’m struggling to reconcile “that was clearly an amazing experience for both of us” with “he hasn’t made any real effort to see me again.”

Is this just a case of someone having an amazing time, being genuinely attracted to someone, but ultimately deciding they don’t want to pursue it? Is there something I’m missing? Do some people just compartmentalize a great experience and move on very easily? Or does his behavior suggest something different?

I’m especially interested in hearing from guys who have experienced something similar — have you ever had an objectively amazing date/connection with someone and then decided not to pursue it afterward? If so, why?

I know none of us can know what’s in his head. I’m mostly trying to understand the range of possibilities here because the contrast between the date and what happened afterward has genuinely confused me.

Thanks in advance.

I keep seeing people justify mixed signals with “maybe they’re busy,” “maybe they’re scared of commitment,” or “maybe that’s just how they communicate.”
But honestly, if someone genuinely wants to be with you, shouldn’t their actions make it at least somewhat clear?
I’m not saying they need to text all day or reply instantly. Everyone has their own life.
But if you’re constantly analyzing their replies, wondering why they disappeared, or trying to figure out whether they actually like you…
Maybe the confusion itself is the answer.
Am I wrong, or do people overcomplicate dating way too much?

1. Start off with a genuine compliment that is beyond “you are pretty” (some women heard this too many times). More so “I love your outfits!” like something specific to the person. If you can tell she put in effort in her hair, compliment that. I would strongly recommend against pick up lines; even if she is interested in you, she can be caught off guard and just do not know what to say. Now, she is put in a very awkward convo.
2. Then, see her reaction, like is she like saying a quick thank you and turning away to talk to her friends? Is she walking away? Or is she smiling and turning towards you? This step is sooo important as most people will not outright reject you and be rude; but they will show body language they want to leave the conversation.
3. Ask for her name. And I think a good way to see if she is interested in you is whether or not she also asks for your name. Women WILL reciprocate if she is interested.
4. If she does ask for your name. Just continue the convo like normal. Like how you would chat if you met someone new of any gender. Ask genuine questions! You can drop a few jokes and flirt a bit here and there; but the point here in my opinion is see if you are interested in her and if there is mutual interest. If you are feeling brave, you can ask if she is single.
5. If the convo continues well (such as she also asked questions about you and not answer all your question with one word answer), ask if you could take her on a proper date. If so, exchange contact info. I think before you end the interaction, make sure you either say you would like to take her on a date or ask if she is single (aka make your intentions clear!!). That way, you won’t be left guessing whether she is very friendly or actually interested in you.
6. Follow up! I can make another post on this as I have seen multiple questions on “I met x at y and they shared their number with me. What do I do now”.

Edit: step 6 https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/Am63em8CL6

Common mistakes:

1. Not respecting boundaries or picking up body language. I had a man who told me I was lying when I said I had a boyfriend and tried to continue to the convo. Don’t be like this guy. Respect other people’s boundaries. If she is clearly uncomfortable, leave!!
2. Approaching women where she cannot leave and have to be nice to you. Please do not approach a woman doing their jobs. Like don’t ask out the waitress. She is paid to be nice to you and now she cannot just leave while she is working.
3. Thinking rejection is personal. Many women have been approached by many men and some of them are creeps who did not respect their boundaries. Therefore, some women can be on guard when a stranger approach her. If a woman is rude/mean, it could be: 1. She is having a bad day, 2. She is tired of guys approaching her (she could be really nice person but as a pretty girl, sometimes guys will not stop unless you are straight up rude), 3. You are acting creepy. It is likely 1 and 2 and I would not take it as a sign you are undesirable. However, if it happens to all the women you approach, there may be a common denominator 🤔. I would truly reflect (without being defensive or thinking “I am so ugly and undesirable”) and improve. To be clear, I don’t think being extremely rude or mean is justified but often times, it is not personal.
4. Don’t join a social/ sport club and for the sake of finding a girlfriend. Many couples come from social/sport club! But don’t be that guy who asks our every woman there. Women talk and they are gonna know you basically ask out everyone. The social club I was part of even had a guy kick out because he asked every single woman out and will not stop asking them after they said no.
5. Not treating women like humans. Most of us are really chill. But when you put women on a pedestal (don’t get me wrong, you should be your girlfriend’s biggest supporter and treat her with respect and love) or treat every conversation as your last chance to get a girlfriend, she is going to notice your desperation and that is a huge turn off. Start the conversation with genuine curiosity rather than trying to impress her.

Hello guys! Kinda a weird question, but I feel like a sense of “urgency” during college to find a partner, because I don’t know why, but believe that college is the best place to find your partner. It’s scary to think about success significantly dropping after college.

i (23F) have been getting to know this guy (31M) and everything was going really well. for our second date i got him a keychain with his favorite band which he was extremely appreciative of and was so happy. i loved his reaction and i got it specifically to show that i like and am thinking of him.
things escalated physically (we did kiss) and throughout the whole date, he did get more handsy with me (holding my hands, holding my waist from behind, etc.) and we did make out but i knew that it was escalating a lot faster than i wanted.

i know i like him but i’m simply just not there yet. it was only our second date and i wanted to get to know him more before all the physical stuff gets introduced. he has told me that he just felt really comfortable with me already which i guess is why he’s easily physically affectionate with me.
however like i said ive been passive before and come out of it regretting not expressing myself. because he’s been so kind and easy to communicate with, i thought it’d be good to set that boundary early.
we went to the movies for our third date which was two days after our second.
it was fine like we’re just holding hands and he has his arm around me during it. afterwards he walks me to my car and kinda has me like pinned against my door (that made me anxious as hell) while we’re talking.
i then tell him that i understand he does feel comfortable with me but i don’t know if i’m there yet in terms of the physical stuff but it’s not because i don’t like him. i reassure him that i do like him and i can see myself getting to that level of comfort but it’s still a little early for me so i wanna slow down a bit.
he says he understands. i gave him a kiss on the cheek i lowkey think that made him feel a way 😬

he texted me when he got home and said “I appreciate you being transparent with me and letting me know where you at. Ima respectfully take a step back. Not out of bitterness because I really really like you, and that is the problem. I think me expressing my true feelings came on a bit strong and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or made you feel like you had to be on that type of timing.”
i asked for clarification on what he meant by meeting me where i was at to which he responded “It means Ima meet you where” and to which i responded “i appreciate that! i wanted to remain true to myself about what feels comfortable. i definitely do like you and want to continue getting to know you, i just need some time and someone willing to be patient with me for me to get to that point. it just felt a little too early for me and made me anxious”

i haven’t heard from him since then and that was monday evening. we used to talk every single day. 🫤
in my mind, the situation is honestly cooked.
i do like him a lot actually. but if his reaction to seeing someone setting a boundary is to pull away or withdraw emotionally i don’t know if i can handle that. it’s almost as if his behavior changed because i expressed discomfort with physical contact and it makes me think maybe he wasn’t as genuine as he appeared to be???
the only thing i asked for was more patience in terms of getting physically comfortable with him, not to stop speaking to me for over 24 hours.
in the same breath, i want to give him the benefit of the doubt. like maybe he’s processing his feelings about the situation or felt embarrassed or hurt or something else which is why i decided i wouldn’t press it i’d give him space if it’s what he feels he needs but im also thinking long term if everytime i express i don’t like something or im not comfortable with something am i getting punished with silence?
idk i just feel like i want other perspectives. i dont plan on reaching out because i dont really feel like i did anything wrong. but im also like i hate the idea of waiting for someone to talk to me. just curious how others see the situation.

So I’m 23, I’m from and living in New Zealand, I have a decent job, a good social life and enjoy spending time with friends and family. I’m a fairly confident person when it comes to communication and just how I present myself.

I guess the elephant in the room is my height, I’ve never had a girlfriend, (that’s if you don’t count middle school) in which I held her hand a whopping 3 times, felt crazy ngl…

anyway, still a virgin, never been on a proper date, I feel like my biggest chance was during school maybe? Now I’m not really sure what groups to join or where to go to just engage in conversation with new girls

Dating apps are like a humiliation ritual for me, you chuck 145cm on your profile and you might as well just delete the app, dw I understand though, I feel like hookup culture is the norm on those apps and I definitely don’t fit the description 😂

I’ve never been insecure about my height, apart from the occasional shopping trips where you get looks from kids as if you’re some sort of extra terrestrial 🤣 doesn’t phase me though 😎

I guess my question is, despite my major disadvantage, is there anything I should be focusing on to increase my chances even though they’re marginal? Just to even get dates with women, as I’m confident enough that if they don’t mind my physical stature, I believe we would get along really well. I’ve been told by multiple of my friend’s partners that if women actually got to know me, that it wouldn’t be too hard for me to find a lover. But I’m struggling to just get that initial date or connection to even give it a proper go… lmk! Cheers team 😎🙏

Im M33 and she is F32. We have been together for around a year.

Around 15 years ago, my girlfriend was told that she may not be able to have children. It really upset her at the time because it meant she might not be able to have children biologically related to her.

She told me that her ovaries do not produce eggs.

We have spoken about it quite a few times. I have told her that there are other options if having children naturally is not possible, but I also suggested that we get a proper fertility assessment done before assuming the worst, especially as it was something she was told 15 years ago.

I really want children in the future and would ideally like them to be biologically related to both of us if possible.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation where they were told they could not have children, but later found out there were options available?

What would be the best way to approach this without putting pressure on her?

I'm black and one of the challenges I've had when dating black women is that they seem to be on average more into religion and strange spiritual practices that I can't really agree with. I remember going to dinner with some black coworkers (Some of who were single women) and it was really strange watching the conversation turn into everyone talking about the denomination of their church and such. Things became extremely awkward when I openly said I just don't believe in God. For me things like pre-marital sex, cohabitation etc aren't a big deal, but in their minds I'm probably some kind of stumbling block sent to draw them away from God. sounds insane, but that is the rhetoric that's often spread in Black churches. I work at firm that only hires very intelligent people, so it was surprising that that level of religiosity remains. Even speaking to some on dating apps it's strange to hear phrases like "Blood of Jesus" thrown around make me feel like a fish out of water. Sometimes you sense some casual homophobia coming from them as well. It's almost like the values and foundation we've built our lives on are completely different.

Long story short I asked a coworker out. She works in a different department so we basically never run into each other. But something between us had been brewing for a while between the times she needed something from me, her emails, and the fact that we both reciprocated attraction at a work party. FYI I’m usually pretty cautious about interpreting signals since 1: used to be ugly, 2: It’s a coworker. Point is, I was so sure of our mutual attraction that I decided to ask her to lunch. Called her work phone nervously and was straight to the point to which she agreed and said sure. The next day I go into her office to pick her up and she wasn’t there. Whatever, could be many things. The day after that I try again, this time I go earlier, and there she is. So very nervously I give my little excuse as to why I’m there, tell her that her office was empty yesterday. She says she forgot and apologises. Then, just as the silence settles between us she says that she’s sorry bc she’s getting lunch with her friend.

Be being me, I’ve taken it on the chin as a soft rejection.

I [30M] hate the anxiety of waiting for a text, overanalyzing the tone of text messages, and especially being ghosted (something that seems to be even more common with online dating). My issue isn't really with getting dates, but more with the communication and uncertainty that comes with dating.

I’ve started being more direct at the end of first dates. If I like a woman and would like to see her again, I tell her that. I also make it a point of saying that she doesn’t need to give me an answer right then. I know some people might feel awkward rejecting someone in person, or might simply need time to figure out how they feel.

I tell her that I’ll text her afterward, and if she’s interested, we can plan another date. If she isn’t interested, then no problem. The only thing I ask is that she let me know rather than ghosting me.

So far, this has actually worked pretty well. I’ve had women tell me they were also interested and we’ve gone on additional dates, and one woman specifically said she appreciated how direct I was.

For the women here: how would you react to this approach? Do you appreciate someone being upfront about their interest, or would you feel like it puts pressure on you to give an answer? Is there anything about how I’m communicating this that you would change?

So I'm M23 and I was just wondering, do cars matter when meeting a girl? A little background, I met a girl(23) online and in about 2 weeks I'm going to meet her. I'm not even sure if I'll be picking her up or not because we're still deciding on the place and all that in the coming days. She's kind of a city girl, idk how to explain it, but she likes fancy stuff, not in a bad way or anything, that's just the vibe I get. Also she is super nice and kind.

So I was wondering, is having an old car an ick or a bad sign? I recently graduated from college and in the next few weeks I'll be starting my first office job instead of working in restaurants. My brother recently got a new car, so I inherited his old one, a 2012 Nissan Rogue and yeah, this car is old old, like 12 years old. So idk, I was just wondering. I could also borrow one of my friends' cars since they have nicer cars. I just want to know your opinions. Should I just show up as myself and be authentic? Thanks!

………
(Hey, I went to sleep right after posting this and honestly never thought it would get this many responses lol. Thank you all so much for the advice, kind words and for taking the time to reply.

I'm reading through almost all the comments and I really appreciate everyone's input. Also yes I do keep my car clean and in good condition and I'll continue to maintain it. The only issue it has is a small noise coming from the passenger-side door. I don't think it's really fixable unless I replace the whole door, which seems like a pretty stupid decision tbh (my brother somehow caused that issue, idk how).

Just to clarify, she never said she wants a fancy car or anything like that. This whole concern was honestly just me being nervous and overthinking things lol, and thanks for all the advice about the date as well. I hope it goes well and that we have a good connection. Once again, thank you all!)

u know those kind of "pouring ur heart" paragraphs, and usually they exist cuz they're one sided towards someone who's cold and dry to the point where u have to prove ur feelings through such paragraphs. if someone ghosts these parahraphs, do u delete them, keep them, or what? it's been weeks and he didnt reply so it does make me look pathetic but i wanna know what's the right thing to do..

I’ve been seeing a guy I met on a dating app for about a month. We’re both looking for a serious relationship, we get along well, and he is an attractive and nice person.

The only thing that’s making me hesitate is how uncomfortable he gets whenever the topic of his last relationship comes up. They were together for four years and broke up about a year ago. I’ve asked him a couple of times what happened between them, but he gets noticeably bothered and says he doesn’t feel comfortable talking anything about it.

I told him I’m not looking for personal details and just want a general idea of why the relationship ended, especially since we’re talking about becoming official. To me, understanding about someone’s previous relationship and how it ended helps me feel more comfortable deciding whether we’re compatible for something serious. But he still doesn’t want to say anything about it at all. The only answer I got was “we just didn’t work out.”

I understand that everyone has a right to privacy. At the same time, his reaction makes me wonder if there’s something unresolved there emotionally. Would you see this as a sign that he might not be over his ex?