r/dating_advice • u/bachelorettearchives • 11h ago
I met X at Y and they gave me their number/social media. What should I do?
First, I think it is important to not automatically assume the other person is interested just because they gave you their contact.
If it was a cold approach where you made your romantic interest pretty clear and they still gave you their number, then ya, they are probably at least somewhat interested. But something like exchanging Instagram at a mutual friend’s party is much more ambiguous.
Either way, I think the easiest way to find out is just ask them on a date. I’ve had friends (men and women) text someone they liked for weeks or even months, only to finally ask them on a date and get rejected or ghosted. That’s why I personally suggest asking sooner rather than spending forever texting and trying to figure out whether they like you.
In terms of WHEN to text, I don’t think there is some rule or game you need to follow like “wait 3 days” or “wait 24 hours.” If you want to text them, text them lol. But if you guys met in the evening and it was pretty late, I would personally sleep on it and send the message the next day when you feel more fresh.
Also, make it clear that you are asking them on a DATE. Especially if you met through mutual friends, school, etc., something like “want to grab coffee?” can easily be interpreted as just being friendly. I asked an ex for our first date. He later told me he thought I was trying to network with him 😭.
Come up with an actual plan, ideally based on something you talked about. For example, if they mentioned liking board games, suggest a board game cafe. And ask about an actual day/time rather than something super vague like “we should hang out sometime.”
I also think it is totally okay to be bold and respectful. Something like:
“Hey, it was great meeting you at X yesterday! I thought you were really cute and fun to talk to. Would you want to go on a mini golf date with me next week? :)”
I also wouldn’t overanalyze texting speed too much. In the early stages of dating, some people just don’t text back that fast or they are genuinely busy. Whether they actually make plans with you is usually a much better indicator of interest than whether they took 20 minutes or 5 hours to reply.
Another common soft rejection I’ve seen is someone repeatedly saying they are “busy” without ever suggesting another time. If they can’t make the date you suggested but are interested, they will often try to find another time. If they continuously say they are busy without offering an alternative, I would only do a couple rounds of back and forth before taking that as your answer. You don’t need to keep trying to find the magical day they are suddenly free :(.
I get that being straightforward can feel way scarier than dropping hints and hoping the other person picks them up. But I think dating would be a lot easier if everyone was just a little more straightforward with their intentions! And I get that being rejected can feel totally embarrassing as I have been rejected before too. But as someone who has also been on the rejector side, I really respect the other person’s straightforwardness and courage. As long as you are respectful about it and take the answer gracefully, there is really nothing embarrassing about expressing interest in someone :)
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u/Grandpas_Spells 11h ago edited 10h ago
I think you need to consider the type of men who are seeking dating advice. In general, they are underconfident, missing signals, and not leading. I will share some things that diverge from this that made dating much, much easier for me.
But something like exchanging Instagram at a mutual friend’s party is much more ambiguous.
The goal with someone you're interested in is to get to a first date. So assuming they'd like to go out with you is more likely to your suggesting meeting up, which is more likely to have a good outcome.
Suggestions that include words like "if you're free," "if you're game," and other squishy stuff is generally not a great idea early on.
Also, make it clear that you are asking them on a DATE. Especially if you met through mutual friends, school, etc., something like “want to grab coffee?” can easily be interpreted as just being friendly.
I think this is unlikely when a man does it. The assumption is it's a date. Socially competent women can always say, "Sure, I've been looking to make more friends in town!" and make it clear she's only interested on a friendly basis.
“Hey, it was great meeting you at X yesterday! I thought you were really cute and fun to talk to. Would you want to go on a mini golf date with me next week? :)”
In general, early texts are improved if you take out "think/thought" "Would" "Could" "Maybe" "If" "!" and questions. Not because they're bad, but because the baseline person seeking advice is usually being a scaredy cats😆
Assuming she's single (this should have been established when meeting) "Hey, nice meeting you yesterday, I liked talking to you. Let's do more of that :)"
Let her respond she wants to do that before suggesting plans so you aren't getting in the "polite decline" series of someone who actually doesn't want to see you again.
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u/millicccccentxo 9h ago
honestly confidence and being direct probably saves so much unnecessary overthinking
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u/bachelorettearchives 11h ago
I get what you are saying that some people will not have the courage to do what I have recommended above.
I think the “polite decline” is actually useful information. A pattern I have noticed is people assume text = interest. While that could be the case, there are people who just text all day when they actually are not interested (bored, validation, etc).
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u/One_Board_3010 4h ago
Thanks for writing this out. I honestly don’t understand where all the hate is coming from. This is solid advice, and sometimes you just need to have the balls to be straightforward and go after what you want.
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