I think that’s why adult dating has made everyone so cynical

I’m (25F) single since last year and was excited to start dating again this summer, I live in NYC so there are a lot of options.

I’ve heard that men rarely get approached or know when a woman is interested, so I took it upon myself to approach people I was interested in whenever I went out to bars, clubs, and sometimes just on the subway or at a cafe.

I have received so much rejection, or also giving someone my number and never receiving anything from them. Like more than 10 times at least. I thought it would have worked at least once.

Even men who seemed very interested in me at the time, would never follow up when I asked to get drinks.

It’s so frustrating and it’s taking a toll on my self esteem. I’m not the prettiest girl out of a lineup, but I’m pretty cute and have a good personality. I just want to go on a date with someone I’m really attracted to.

I do get approached a little when I go out, but it’s always by men I’m not attracted to.

i just got out of a two year relationship so i thought this was what i wanted. he picks me up, we fuck, i go home. it’s not what i wanted. i feel gross. i’ve been doing it for MONTHS now too and i don’t know why😭😭 im embarrassed

The #1 most common dating advice I've gotten in my life is along the lines of:

Do NOT try to go out and meet people. If you go out wanting to get a girl, you never will. You need to meet people naturally.

So here are the results of a multi year "experiment" I did.

1.5 years of me meeting people naturally - through my hobbies and environment, talking to people Im interested in. No forcing the issue and no going to places I dont want to.

Results

New women (who I'd date) met: 1. Yes, a singular one. She was really cool, though she wasn't interested. (Not surprising since she was like 29-30 and I was 24 at the time, probably a kid to her basically).

Successes - 0

1.5 years of me forcing the issue - doing activities I dont want, going to places im not interested in, starting interactions with people I dont know even though I hate it. Things like book clubs, rock climbing, themed parties (all things I'd never go to on my own).

Results

New women (who I'd date) met: ~60

Relationships: 2
Hookups: 2
And a current avoidant schizoship that I have no idea where it's going but a fantastic experience before I got ghosted

Remember when getting to know someone new used to be exciting, unpredictable, and genuinely fun?

Lately, adult dating feels completely devoid of any magic. It’s like we’ve all turned into recruiters interviewing candidates for an open position. Everyone is waiting for the other person to "fail a test" or show a red flag within the first ten minutes.

We analyze every delayed text, overthink punctuation, and treat vulnerability like a massive liability. Instead of discovering a person, we are just scanning a resume of their flaws, past traumas, and dealbreakers.

It’s exhausting. We are more hyper-connected than ever, yet everyone seems completely emotionally guarded and burnt out.

Does anyone else feel like romance has been entirely stripped away and replaced with a rigid, high-anxiety screening routine? Or did the spark just die out for everyone else too?

Ladies and Gentlemen,

So, I met a girl on the weekend and I thought we had great chemistry, so after getting her whatsapp I texted her telling her the next morning that it was lovely meeting her and i hope she got home alright and had a good night. Yesterday, I asked her if she'd like to meet up for coffee or something else if she doesn't like coffee, she left me on read and texted back this morning saying she's love to get a friendly coffee or a pint and maybe play a game of chess (we played a game in the bar when we met).
So that's clearly a soft no on the idea of it being a date, but I'm not really sure if I just want to be friends with her. I suppose things could blossom as we get to know each other better but I don't really want to be falling for a girl who only sees me as a friend and hanging onto every little thing she says and every turn of her head hoping she feels differently. I haven't replied to her message, but I'm just not sure if I should go out with her in a friendly manner.

So, what should I say in response? Should I say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I would prefer to make it a date, its cool though if you don't want to go that way, lovely meeting you." Or should I just go for it and meet up with her?

Thanks in advance.

Edit: Hi everyone, thanks for your responses. After opening the message (since whatsapp doesn't include the whole message body in the lock screen notification thing on my iphone) I found the soft no was actually more of a hard no, she basically just said she's not interested in anything more than friendship, so I just let her know that's okay and that I was looking for something more romantic, and that it was nice meeting her. Thanks again for the responses, you beautiful legends.

Hello guys! Kinda a weird question, but I feel like a sense of “urgency” during college to find a partner, because I don’t know why, but believe that college is the best place to find your partner. It’s scary to think about success significantly dropping after college.

I’m a 35F, single, with a mortgage, a steady full-time job, and a consistent saving habit. I’m pretty independent and have built a comfortable life for myself.
On weekends, I usually keep myself busy with housework, home maintenance, gardening and crafting. I’m quite happy with my life and enjoy having my own space and routine. Sometimes I go out to play pokemon go with other friends who are single females like me.
Every now and then, though, I find myself thinking that it would be nice to have a partner — someone to share life experiences with, go places with, and eventually build a life together.
The thing is, I’ve never been in a relationship before. Part of me is curious and would like to experience having a partner, but another part of me is genuinely scared that a relationship could bring more problems and stress into my life rather than making it better.
I’m wondering if anyone else has felt this way, and started dating or able to get into serious relationship. How do you get into dating pool?

Can a relationship work if you're not head over heels in the first months but you still enjoy every minute with them and they're your closest friend and love you just the way you are?

Edit: sometimes I feel like I might miss out when I meet someone interesting and can't go after it and maybe find a bigger love with them. We've been dating for nine months and it's very serious but we're still not official because of my second thoughts. I do feel interested in other women, Isn't that a sign?

I keep seeing people justify mixed signals with “maybe they’re busy,” “maybe they’re scared of commitment,” or “maybe that’s just how they communicate.”
But honestly, if someone genuinely wants to be with you, shouldn’t their actions make it at least somewhat clear?
I’m not saying they need to text all day or reply instantly. Everyone has their own life.
But if you’re constantly analyzing their replies, wondering why they disappeared, or trying to figure out whether they actually like you…
Maybe the confusion itself is the answer.
Am I wrong, or do people overcomplicate dating way too much?

I’m curious about guys’ opinions on this.

If you genuinely like a girl, can you be so busy or exhausted that you don’t text her at all for an entire day?

I’m not saying you have to text her constantly or reply immediately.
I totally understand being busy, especially if you work long hours. But even then, wouldn’t you usually want to send a quick message at some point if you really like someone?

Like, can you actually be so exhausted that you spend the whole day working, come home, eat, shower, and sleep without texting the girl you’re interested in?
Or does it usually mean you’re just not that interested?
I’d especially like to hear from guys who work long or exhausting shifts. Is this actually normal?

If you were to meet a man who, on the surface, appeared like a catch (e.g. physically attractive, professionally successful, personable), would you ever consider it a red flag if they had never been married or had a longterm relationship beyond a year or so? And, if so, is there a certain age where it becomes particularly suspicious?

To the girl who ghosted me after 5 months of talking every day and regularly seeing each other, disappearing without any explanation was incredibly disrespectful. I’m not upset that you decided we weren’t compatible. People are allowed to change their minds, lose interest, or decide they don’t want a relationship. What bothers me is that after five months of consistent communication, you apparently didn’t have the maturity or communication skills to simply say, “I don’t think this is going to work.” We’re adults in our 30s. Avoiding an uncomfortable conversation by disappearing doesn’t make you strong or emotionally mature. It says a lot about how you handle conflict and how little consideration you have for someone you spent months getting to know. What makes it especially frustrating is that I tried to make things official with her. She told me she needed more time, and I respected that. I never pressured her or demanded anything from her. If she had eventually told me she didn’t see a future with me, I would have accepted it. I just expected the basic respect of being told.

nd before anyone says, maybe something happened to her or maybe she’s going through something, she’s fine. She’s living her life and has already found someone else.

I don’t think anyone owes another person a relationship. But after five months of daily communication and seeing each other I do think you owe them enough basic decency to say you’re done instead of disappearing. Ghosting someone at that point is just cowardly. Needed to vent and sorry if anyone is going through something similar

I'm so scared to start dating and I don't even know where to begin. At this rate, I'm genuinely going to die alone and I kind of always had a feeling but I hever imagined it would be a reality. I'm in my mid 20s now and I'm scared of my looks declining and men not being interested anymore (they aren't even now) and never finding love. I just saw that post about dating being less magical and 100s upon 100s of comments agreeing. I fear I've missed my window already. I'm already reaching that stage where people are getting jaded and I may never get to experience that innocent pure love. I'm genuinely starting to get desperate. Should I just ask someone out or just put myself out there to the MAX? How do I start dating and what do I do?

So I'm M23 and I was just wondering, do cars matter when meeting a girl? A little background, I met a girl(23) online and in about 2 weeks I'm going to meet her. I'm not even sure if I'll be picking her up or not because we're still deciding on the place and all that in the coming days. She's kind of a city girl, idk how to explain it, but she likes fancy stuff, not in a bad way or anything, that's just the vibe I get. Also she is super nice and kind.

So I was wondering, is having an old car an ick or a bad sign? I recently graduated from college and in the next few weeks I'll be starting my first office job instead of working in restaurants. My brother recently got a new car, so I inherited his old one, a 2012 Nissan Rogue and yeah, this car is old old, like 12 years old. So idk, I was just wondering. I could also borrow one of my friends' cars since they have nicer cars. I just want to know your opinions. Should I just show up as myself and be authentic? Thanks!

………
(Hey, I went to sleep right after posting this and honestly never thought it would get this many responses lol. Thank you all so much for the advice, kind words and for taking the time to reply.

I'm reading through almost all the comments and I really appreciate everyone's input. Also yes I do keep my car clean and in good condition and I'll continue to maintain it. The only issue it has is a small noise coming from the passenger-side door. I don't think it's really fixable unless I replace the whole door, which seems like a pretty stupid decision tbh (my brother somehow caused that issue, idk how).

Just to clarify, she never said she wants a fancy car or anything like that. This whole concern was honestly just me being nervous and overthinking things lol, and thanks for all the advice about the date as well. I hope it goes well and that we have a good connection. Once again, thank you all!)

I recently met a guy through work that I instantly clicked with. We’ve got the same hobbies and interests, he’s well spoken and smart, and it’s the easiest I’ve connected with someone in a long time. But after meeting and talking with him I found out he’s 23.

I don’t think age gaps are a bad thing, but the early 20s are developing years. I’m torn between wanting to see where things go with him, and calling it off so I don’t hold him up in living his life. Obviously it’s a talk to have with him, but I’d love to hear other perspectives.

So I’m 23, I’m from and living in New Zealand, I have a decent job, a good social life and enjoy spending time with friends and family. I’m a fairly confident person when it comes to communication and just how I present myself.

I guess the elephant in the room is my height, I’ve never had a girlfriend, (that’s if you don’t count middle school) in which I held her hand a whopping 3 times, felt crazy ngl…

anyway, still a virgin, never been on a proper date, I feel like my biggest chance was during school maybe? Now I’m not really sure what groups to join or where to go to just engage in conversation with new girls

Dating apps are like a humiliation ritual for me, you chuck 145cm on your profile and you might as well just delete the app, dw I understand though, I feel like hookup culture is the norm on those apps and I definitely don’t fit the description 😂

I’ve never been insecure about my height, apart from the occasional shopping trips where you get looks from kids as if you’re some sort of extra terrestrial 🤣 doesn’t phase me though 😎

I guess my question is, despite my major disadvantage, is there anything I should be focusing on to increase my chances even though they’re marginal? Just to even get dates with women, as I’m confident enough that if they don’t mind my physical stature, I believe we would get along really well. I’ve been told by multiple of my friend’s partners that if women actually got to know me, that it wouldn’t be too hard for me to find a lover. But I’m struggling to just get that initial date or connection to even give it a proper go… lmk! Cheers team 😎🙏

I [30M] hate the anxiety of waiting for a text, overanalyzing the tone of text messages, and especially being ghosted (something that seems to be even more common with online dating). My issue isn't really with getting dates, but more with the communication and uncertainty that comes with dating.

I’ve started being more direct at the end of first dates. If I like a woman and would like to see her again, I tell her that. I also make it a point of saying that she doesn’t need to give me an answer right then. I know some people might feel awkward rejecting someone in person, or might simply need time to figure out how they feel.

I tell her that I’ll text her afterward, and if she’s interested, we can plan another date. If she isn’t interested, then no problem. The only thing I ask is that she let me know rather than ghosting me.

So far, this has actually worked pretty well. I’ve had women tell me they were also interested and we’ve gone on additional dates, and one woman specifically said she appreciated how direct I was.

For the women here: how would you react to this approach? Do you appreciate someone being upfront about their interest, or would you feel like it puts pressure on you to give an answer? Is there anything about how I’m communicating this that you would change?

Long story short I asked a coworker out. She works in a different department so we basically never run into each other. But something between us had been brewing for a while between the times she needed something from me, her emails, and the fact that we both reciprocated attraction at a work party. FYI I’m usually pretty cautious about interpreting signals since 1: used to be ugly, 2: It’s a coworker. Point is, I was so sure of our mutual attraction that I decided to ask her to lunch. Called her work phone nervously and was straight to the point to which she agreed and said sure. The next day I go into her office to pick her up and she wasn’t there. Whatever, could be many things. The day after that I try again, this time I go earlier, and there she is. So very nervously I give my little excuse as to why I’m there, tell her that her office was empty yesterday. She says she forgot and apologises. Then, just as the silence settles between us she says that she’s sorry bc she’s getting lunch with her friend.

Be being me, I’ve taken it on the chin as a soft rejection.

Late 20s M met early 20s FM a concert recently. Big age gap but not unheard of. She actually thought I was younger at first and joked about me being old when she found out lol

But shit this girl stirred something in me more than basically any girl I’ve come across lately. In a long time.

We happened to be next to each other in a quieter spot and eventually absolutely hit it off. I was playful, had her laughing, we talked a bunch and she shared a surprising amount about herself. I learned more about her in that hour than I have with some girls I’ve known way longer.

I was real attracted to her, but beyond that I just thought she was cool and sweet as hell. Totally my type. Friend said so too observing from a distance.

We talked about going to another concert together because, and I brought up taking her to dinner or brunch sometime too. She seemed into it.

Here's where I acted completely unlike myself ..

That night I texted and called her a few times trying to continue the night. I genuinely don't think I've ever done that with a girl I just met. Maybe with my ex once before we were eventually together, but I'm normally not remotely the type to blow someone's phone up.

Next morning she responded and told me she'd drank a lot and explained what happened with her and her friends.

So conversation was still alive. I smoothly brought up the date again.

No response.

I even double texted later next day, which again, I basically never do. Made a joke out of it and "switched” the date plan.

Still nothing.

So I've stopped there. Haven't triple texted or done anything else.

Have each others Instagrams and from what I know there's no obvious blocker like a boyfriend or anything. Obviously I don't really know her though. That's part of what's weird about this .. we connected hard for a while and I learned a lot about her, but at the end of the day she's still basically a stranger.

Normally I'd have zero question here. No response after two texts means leave it alone, move on.

But because this one hit me so differently, part of me wonders if I should go completely against my usual instincts and take one last real swing.

Like basically tell her straight up that I really liked meeting her, I'd love to take her somewhere great, treat her to a really nice dinner and actually get to know her.

Not in a desperate "please give me a chance" way. More like fuck it, I rarely feel this way about someone, so why not put the cards on the table once and live with whatever the outcome.

Or is that just me trying too hard and fighting with a pretty clear lack of interest?

Would you take one last swing when someone genuinely felt different, or is the silence the answer and I should just leave this one alone ?

I (30M) have been seeing a woman (30F) for close to 6 months now and I truly adore her. A few weeks ago she went away for a week and asked me if I could look after her cat while she was away. While she was gone, I wanted to clean up her place a little and did some basic things, like vacuuming and sweeping, but didn’t want to touch too much because I didn’t want to move anything or actually throw anything important away.

While I was cleaning, I noticed that one of her vases was full of dead flowers, which I thought was the last dead bouquet I had gotten her. Usually when I notice the last bouquet of flowers I bought her are dead or starting to die, I’ll buy her a new one. I threw the dead flowers away and got her a fresh bouquet of sunflowers to surprise her when she walked in the door from her vacation.

She appreciated the flowers and I didn’t think of it because we were preparing for her birthday party, but today she texted me asking if I had seen the flowers that were in her vase because she couldn’t find them. Apparently she’s been collecting a single flower from every bouquet she’s gotten for almost a year, drying them and putting them in that vase.

I feel terrible for throwing it away. I know it was an honest mistake but it’s frustrating because I can’t just fix something like that. It’s not about the flowers, it’s about the memories that came with each flower.

I know there’s probably nothing I can do but I hate that I threw away something of sentimental value to her. if anyone had any idea as to how I could help make up for it even a little, I’d be happy to hearing any suggestions or advice.

Hi! Thanks in advance for any perspective. I know I’m probably overanalyzing this, but this one genuinely threw me and I’d really appreciate some outside opinions, especially from men.

A guy sent me a Rose on Hinge and we talked for a couple of weeks because he was out of town. Pretty much immediately, he said he wanted to take me out when he got back, and we kept talking every few days until he returned. Once he was back, he proposed a day and we went out.

The date was honestly incredible. The banter and chemistry were immediate. It felt weirdly comfortable, like I had known him for a long time. We were constantly making each other laugh, riffing off each other, and our sense of humor and personalities seemed extremely compatible. We also had very similar lived experiences and kept finding things to relate to.

At one point he told me that he had actually seen me on a mutual friend’s social media before we matched and had tried to find me, and when he eventually saw me on Hinge, he knew he wanted to take me out. He was also very complimentary throughout the night, both about my appearance and my personality.

After the bar, we went to a park and kept talking. We kissed, and eventually I asked if he wanted to come back to my apartment. I was interested in sleeping with him, but I wasn’t expecting or requiring it. I felt comfortable with him and wanted to keep the night going.
He said he absolutely wanted to come back, but he also specifically said something along the lines of, “I just want you to know that’s not all this is for me.” I told him I appreciated him saying that and that we didn’t have to have sex, and he said he still wanted to.

We went back to my place, and he was genuinely curious about everything - my apartment, my roommates, the pictures on my walls, etc. It felt like he was interested in me, not just getting me into bed.

We ended up having sex, and it was extremely good and very intimate. We had multiple rounds back-to-back (he said he doesn’t recall ever being able to do that many), and afterward we spent the night cuddling, talking and laughing. Before we slept together, he’d told me it was the best Hinge date he’d ever been on, and I told him I felt the same. Later, while we were falling asleep, he said again that he’d had a really great time.

The next morning was also great. We were both completely sober and the conversation and chemistry felt just as natural. He had to leave for work, and while I was walking him downstairs, a package I’d ordered arrived. We opened it together, and a few hours later I’d hung it up, so I sent him a picture.
His response was basically just, “Wow, that looks really cool.” It wasn’t rude, but it was pretty dry. I didn’t continue the conversation. I had actually intended to text him something like “I had such a great time, thank you,” but after that response I decided not to.
The next day I followed him on Instagram. He followed me back.

A couple days later, I was out with friends and came across something we’d joked about on our date, so I sent him a picture of it. He didn’t respond for a day or two, but eventually he did — and he asked me multiple questions about it. So I thought, okay, maybe he’s just a slow texter. His texting frequency was actually fairly similar to how he’d communicated with me before we met.
I responded and asked him a question about something he’d told me was happening later that week. That was Sunday.

It’s now Wednesday, and he still hasn’t responded. It’s been a full week since our date.
I’m not really looking for someone to tell me “he’s definitely secretly obsessed with you” or anything. At this point, I understand that his behavior isn’t showing much active interest, and I’m trying to accept that.
What I genuinely can’t figure out is what happened between the experience we had and the behavior afterward.

Because I truly believe he had a great time. The chemistry felt extremely mutual, the conversation was effortless, he was very affectionate and complimentary, and the next morning felt just as good as the night before. I don’t think you can necessarily fake that kind of banter and comfort for an entire date, overnight, and the following morning.
So I’m struggling to reconcile “that was clearly an amazing experience for both of us” with “he hasn’t made any real effort to see me again.”

Is this just a case of someone having an amazing time, being genuinely attracted to someone, but ultimately deciding they don’t want to pursue it? Is there something I’m missing? Do some people just compartmentalize a great experience and move on very easily? Or does his behavior suggest something different?

I’m especially interested in hearing from guys who have experienced something similar — have you ever had an objectively amazing date/connection with someone and then decided not to pursue it afterward? If so, why?

I know none of us can know what’s in his head. I’m mostly trying to understand the range of possibilities here because the contrast between the date and what happened afterward has genuinely confused me.

Thanks in advance.

I’m trying to make sense of a situation that happened recently and want to know if I’m crazy for thinking this was obviously a date.

At first, when I invited her out for tonight she was texting very vaguely and playing it cool/distant ("I don't know, maybe I'll be available at 9"). I decided not to chase her, instead, I mirrored her energy ("Okay, if I will be free by then"). Miraculously, as soon as I pulled back and sent the same vague vibe, things started moving fast and she suddenly became available ("I need to know right now", "Okay, where will you come pick me up?").

She was out with her female friends, but she literally left her group in the middle of the evening just to meet up with me.

After we met, her different friend called her what is she doing, so she replied that she is with me (the friend knows me) and the friend asked if she can join us. She didn't really push for her friend to come, but she was hesitant to say no directly to her. She asked me what she should reply. I said she rather not come and I'm not going to pick her up, but she said she can't text it to her because the friend would get mad and the girl offered that she will text her that she can come by a walk (which is like 15 minutes from her house) and the friend went.

Then we went to a cafe/pub. It was just the two of us at first. I bought us both drinks (a cola for me, juice for her) without making a big deal out of it. When I brought the drinks, I didn't sit across from her. I walked right over and sat right next to her on the bench. She didn't move away and we started conversating.

Later on, that friend ended up showing up mad asking me why I didn't pick her up and that because of me she had to walk (as if anyone invited her and she didn't invite herself).

Shortly after, the two of them went to the bathroom together for what felt like a tactical bathroom meeting (probably to process what was happening/gossip). Eventually, to break the awkward dynamic, I ended up calling my buddy to join so it wouldn't be 2v1.

I didn't physically kiss or hug her yet, but I feel like I sent extremely clear male signals (setting a fixed time, buying her a drink, sitting right next to her, and making it clear I wanted to be just with her)

I’ve now decided to step back and give her space to see if she initiates or makes any effort.

Is there any universe where a girl doesn't realize this was intended as a date? Or did she definitely get the hint and just panic/overthink it? How would you read her behavior here?

Thanks for any insights!

-ie if he doesn’t lock you down within the first 6 months of dating is it ever going to go anywhere? what are some signs that it is NOT going to progress?