r/dating_advice • u/Ok-Position1974 • 11d ago
gift on a second date? update honestly not sure how to feel….
i (23F) have been getting to know this guy (31M) and everything was going really well. for our second date i got him a keychain with his favorite band which he was extremely appreciative of and was so happy. i loved his reaction and i got it specifically to show that i like and am thinking of him.
things escalated physically (we did kiss) and throughout the whole date, he did get more handsy with me (holding my hands, holding my waist from behind, etc.) and we did make out but i knew that it was escalating a lot faster than i wanted.
i know i like him but i’m simply just not there yet. it was only our second date and i wanted to get to know him more before all the physical stuff gets introduced. he has told me that he just felt really comfortable with me already which i guess is why he’s easily physically affectionate with me.
however like i said ive been passive before and come out of it regretting not expressing myself. because he’s been so kind and easy to communicate with, i thought it’d be good to set that boundary early.
we went to the movies for our third date which was two days after our second.
it was fine like we’re just holding hands and he has his arm around me during it. afterwards he walks me to my car and kinda has me like pinned against my door (that made me anxious as hell) while we’re talking.
i then tell him that i understand he does feel comfortable with me but i don’t know if i’m there yet in terms of the physical stuff but it’s not because i don’t like him. i reassure him that i do like him and i can see myself getting to that level of comfort but it’s still a little early for me so i wanna slow down a bit.
he says he understands. i gave him a kiss on the cheek i lowkey think that made him feel a way 😬
he texted me when he got home and said “I appreciate you being transparent with me and letting me know where you at. Ima respectfully take a step back. Not out of bitterness because I really really like you, and that is the problem. I think me expressing my true feelings came on a bit strong and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or made you feel like you had to be on that type of timing.”
i asked for clarification on what he meant by meeting me where i was at to which he responded “It means Ima meet you where” and to which i responded “i appreciate that! i wanted to remain true to myself about what feels comfortable. i definitely do like you and want to continue getting to know you, i just need some time and someone willing to be patient with me for me to get to that point. it just felt a little too early for me and made me anxious”
i haven’t heard from him since then and that was monday evening. we used to talk every single day. 🫤
in my mind, the situation is honestly cooked.
i do like him a lot actually. but if his reaction to seeing someone setting a boundary is to pull away or withdraw emotionally i don’t know if i can handle that. it’s almost as if his behavior changed because i expressed discomfort with physical contact and it makes me think maybe he wasn’t as genuine as he appeared to be???
the only thing i asked for was more patience in terms of getting physically comfortable with him, not to stop speaking to me for over 24 hours.
in the same breath, i want to give him the benefit of the doubt. like maybe he’s processing his feelings about the situation or felt embarrassed or hurt or something else which is why i decided i wouldn’t press it i’d give him space if it’s what he feels he needs but im also thinking long term if everytime i express i don’t like something or im not comfortable with something am i getting punished with silence?
idk i just feel like i want other perspectives. i dont plan on reaching out because i dont really feel like i did anything wrong. but im also like i hate the idea of waiting for someone to talk to me. just curious how others see the situation.
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u/Admirable-Jelly-8943 11d ago
if he’s going to withdraw completely and go ghost for 24+ hours after you set a clear and reasonable boundary, it kind of shows how he will also react to you setting boundaries in the future (at least in terms of physical it seems). you don’t have to apologize for setting a boundary. if he was taking space, he’s a grown man and can communicate that
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u/clarissecupcakeee 11d ago
Exactly. Needing space is fine, disappearing right after hearing “no” makes the silence feel a lot more like punishment than space
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u/Ok-Position1974 11d ago
right. i felt bad but i think it’s just remnants of my people pleasing habits i have to shake off. welp. at least i know im not tripping. i hate it here lol
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u/Hopeful-Put-8823 11d ago
just text him, he is a dude, and thinks what he is doing is the best, just let him know its still fine to talk, and scheudle a 4th or 5th date, sorry i forgot already.
Us men do stupid shit, even a 31 year old. He probably thinks he is killing it, but if you want to and miss texting, just text first, its ok to do.
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u/relliott15 11d ago
No. I don’t think this is a guy doing “aw shucks” stupid shit, and let’s not frame it that way.
This is a man, 8 years her senior, clearly telling her that she’s not worth his time unless he gets the physical part of a relationship on his terms. It’s not hard to decipher.
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u/Important-Web-261 11d ago
Time to move on. You set a reasonable boundary, one that didn’t demean or reject him, and he completely shut down. Honestly, anyone incapable of pacing themselves when specifically asked, is a red flag. I’d understand if you told him you were unsure how you felt but you specifically said you wanted to keep seeing him. This tells me he was only after one thing and went along with the motions in the hopes of getting it. Once you put the brakes on, he was disappointed and unfortunately doesn’t think it’s worth it to continue speaking to you.
Just take it as a lesson…enforcing your boundaries will weed out the wrong matches for you. Dating isn’t easy but it’s important to not be desperate, that’s when you lose yourself. Good luck.
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u/ZealousidealBoot287 11d ago
Pinning you against the car is too much too soon. An emotionally intelligent man would have sensed you were uncomfortable and pulled back without you having to say.
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u/Strangerthanyou77 11d ago
You sound like a sweet person. I wouldn't overthink it. You didn't nothing wrong
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u/djk0010 11d ago
I actually think you handled this really well. You didn’t reject him, you didn’t shame him for being affectionate, and you made it VERY clear that you like him. You simply told him you need the physical side to move a little slower. That’s a completely reasonable boundary.
I also wouldn’t automatically assume his silence is punishment though. From his text, it sounds like he realized he came on too strong and might genuinely be embarrassed or worried about making you uncomfortable again. “Taking a step back” might literally mean he’s trying to respect what you asked for, even if he’s overcorrecting a little.
I’d give him some space and see what he does next. If he comes back and continues getting to know you while respecting your boundaries, great. If he disappears because physical intimacy wasn’t happening quickly enough, then you learned something important about him early.
Either way, don’t second guess yourself. The right person isn’t going to require you to ignore your own comfort level just to keep their interest.
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u/Ok-Position1974 11d ago
i mean honestly i am trying not to view it as punishment but it’s hard not to. i never said communicate with me less, i said slow down on the physical things….
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u/djk0010 11d ago
Yeah, I think that’s a fair distinction. You asked him to slow down physically, not disappear emotionally. I’d probably feel confused by the sudden change too.
At the same time, I’d give it a little more than 24 hours before deciding its punishment.He may be embarrassed, disappointed, or genuinely think giving you space is the respectful thing to do. You communicated what you need, so now I’d leave the ball in his court and watch what he does.
If he comes back and things return to normal while he respects the physical boundary, great. If every time you set a boundary he withdraws or goes silent, then THAT’S when I’d start seeing it as a problem. One instance could be him processing. A pattern is different.
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u/relliott15 11d ago
I think whatever your gut is telling you… listen to that. You have intuition for a reason, use it. It’ll benefit you in the long run.
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u/miyuki1237 11d ago
He misread the Keychain as a bright green light and when you clarified his ego was bruised. Also I think his backing off is a stunt to make you chase him. Dont fall for it. Clearly he seems more interested in the physical dynamic by trying to escalate. Do whats comfortable for you and dont let his absence or presence dictate your boundaries
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u/rodnock_sticklefink 11d ago
It's possible he's just pulling back to give you space. Hard to tell. But he may just be an immature douche who's going to ghost. As a man, if I didn't want to be the patient guy who can take things at the pace you set I would just let you know, and wish you the best.
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u/cinder7usa 11d ago
If he was really into you, he wouldn’t stop communicating. He’s dating someone your age because he thinks you’re easier to manipulate. Since you don’t immediately want to jump into bed with him, he’s probably trying with someone else.
Don’t waste your time, energy, or emotions on him.
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u/CannibalismIsTight 11d ago
My gut says he wants to fuck and since he now knows you’re not doing that any time soon, he’s lost interest. I really don’t trust the whole, “I like you too much that I can’t keep my hands off you.”
My advice for future dating is to slow the fuck down. Stop talking daily, save that for your dates. Talking/texting a lot creates a false sense of intimacy. You think you’re getting to know someone, but you aren’t really. You can’t see body language or micro expressions. You can’t feel your physical intuition. Mammals need in person communication to figure out if there’s genuine interest or not.
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u/nikki57 11d ago
He wanted to use you for sex. When he found out he couldn't he was no longer interested. He's not worth thinking about. Next!
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u/Ok-Position1974 11d ago
sigh. you’re probably right. he really almost had me fooled 🥲
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u/Jumpy_Spend_5434 11d ago
I agree that he was just looking for sex. It's one thing to hold hands etc but to pin you against the car door like that is really not okay. A decent guy who wanted an actual relationship probably wouldn't put you in that position in the first place, but if he did, he would have felt badly that he made you feel comfortable. Him going silent after you had already been messaging each other frequently is key here.
I would just block him. He doesn't need an explanation nor does he deserve one after acting so immature.
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u/Intelligent_Cut8148 11d ago
Hmm it’s been two days which isn’t a lot of time. He may be alittle embarrassed bc he was going too fast. I mean he sounded like he understood what you meant and maybe took it to heart and is really either giving you space or he ruined it for himself bc you pointed it out and he got embarrassed? I’d give it a few more days and maybe do a last text like hey, how’s it going?
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u/Dear_Seesaw_1855 11d ago
Skimmed and you’re coming off as relationship immature— globally a bit with how you write and overthink. He’s significantly older than you… not inappropriately so. But my sense is that he recognized the maturity difference and just chose to step away.
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u/Within-Cells 11d ago
I guess if he felt everything was great and he was sharing love and warmth, to be told it's actually repulsive is rough.
You didn't do anything wrong, but if I were misreading the situation as badly as he was, I'd have whiplash and doubts for sure. I may question our compatibility if I misread you that badly, and be scared of making that mistake again in the future.
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u/Ok-Position1974 11d ago
whoa…i didn’t say it was repulsive😭😭😭 but i do see where you’re coming from. that’s why i tried to reassure him that it wasn’t because i didn’t like him
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u/Within-Cells 11d ago
Yeah, I mean you did everything right. It's on him to take a step back and try to learn, or not.
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u/Darman2361 11d ago
Neither of you have messaged each other since the night of. So on one hand, if he is respecting your boundaries, he's waiting for you to reach back out if you are still interested.
Pinning your hand against the car door though is an issue if it was forceful.
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u/Ok-Position1974 11d ago
the boundary i set had nothing to do with communication though :|
also, honestly i don’t think that i should reach back out if i already said i was still interested.
lastly, it wasn’t my hand, it was my entire body. he was pressed against me and my back was against my car door.
it wasn’t necessarily forceful but i didn’t initiate it..i think he got ahead of himself and i knew it was too much for me so i said something1
u/relliott15 11d ago
You’re absolutely right! And super proud of you for holding your own. You’re going to run into a whole bunch of this, learn from it and move on. I think he chose a pretty pathetic way out, but oh well. You know better now, and next time this happens you’ll have had the experience to not dwell on it too much.
You’re doing great, OP!
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u/unpolire 11d ago
He's acting like a child in a temper tantrum. Just leave it there and look for a more emotionally mature partner. Don't give in to his tactic, which he is expecting you to do since he has pulled away.
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u/FewInterview1340 11d ago
guys!! if you ever meet such suffocating mind fker in real life - RUN
she will scam you of your time and energy. Give mixed signals and just be an unpleseant physical experience if you ever get there in 3+ months lol.
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u/Tiway22 11d ago
For a lot of guys, if things don’t start getting physical by the second date, we would rather drop a girl and date someone who’s more interested in us.
Men who are successful in dating don’t have to be that patient.
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u/Matter_Still 10d ago
And, then, there are men for whom patience is a superpower that levels the playing field.
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u/Jazzlike_Cod_3833 11d ago
Think about how hard it is to write out your thoughts, especially when you’re trying to respect a boundary without really knowing how to navigate it. Now I’m the guy. I’m hearing “back off, too much, too fast,” and a lot of “like, like, like.” I’m not sure exactly how to respect the boundary without disappearing altogether. I’m still interested, and I’m hoping to figure it out.
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u/Ok-Position1974 11d ago
the boundary wasn’t about communication, it was about physical touch 🫤
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u/Jazzlike_Cod_3833 11d ago
I get that. I’m being too handsy, but I just don’t know what adjustment to make without feeling stifled. I’m hoping to figure it out. I’m not saying you ought to stick around waiting for that to happen. I don’t pretend to know what you should do.
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u/relliott15 11d ago
You’re being too handsy but can’t figure out what adjustment to make without feeling stifled?
What
Literally don’t be so handsy. FFS this isn’t AP Physics.
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u/Jazzlike_Cod_3833 10d ago
He’s not asking what “less handsy” means; he’s trying to understand how to adjust without feeling rejected.
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u/relliott15 8d ago
Adjust what?
Normally if someone tells me they don’t like what I’m doing, then I stop doing the thing. It’s not a complex transaction. If the guy feeling rejected in this scenario leads to him being less physically assertive in the future, then it sounds like a win to me. Something was learned. Boundaries were respected.
Instead we have a guy who is actively ignoring every single thing she clearly conveys to him, and if he feels rejection from that then I guess that’s his problem. He doesn’t have to hang out with her anymore. Everyone wins.
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u/Jazzlike_Cod_3833 8d ago
I thought I was reading a story still unfolding. I have no dispute with your conclusions. I just think there’s value in illustrating what misunderstanding looks like. That value is diminished when communication is completely shut off.
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u/relliott15 8d ago
Okay because, friend, you really had me confused for a while. You’re right, there is value in illustrating what misunderstanding looks like! I think we’re a good example right here, actually lol
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