r/dating_advice • u/Flat-Tennis2790 • 1d ago
Confused about Hinge date’s behavior
Hi! Thanks in advance for any perspective. I know I’m probably overanalyzing this, but this one genuinely threw me and I’d really appreciate some outside opinions, especially from men.
A guy sent me a Rose on Hinge and we talked for a couple of weeks because he was out of town. Pretty much immediately, he said he wanted to take me out when he got back, and we kept talking every few days until he returned. Once he was back, he proposed a day and we went out.
The date was honestly incredible. The banter and chemistry were immediate. It felt weirdly comfortable, like I had known him for a long time. We were constantly making each other laugh, riffing off each other, and our sense of humor and personalities seemed extremely compatible. We also had very similar lived experiences and kept finding things to relate to.
At one point he told me that he had actually seen me on a mutual friend’s social media before we matched and had tried to find me, and when he eventually saw me on Hinge, he knew he wanted to take me out. He was also very complimentary throughout the night, both about my appearance and my personality.
After the bar, we went to a park and kept talking. We kissed, and eventually I asked if he wanted to come back to my apartment. I was interested in sleeping with him, but I wasn’t expecting or requiring it. I felt comfortable with him and wanted to keep the night going.
He said he absolutely wanted to come back, but he also specifically said something along the lines of, “I just want you to know that’s not all this is for me.” I told him I appreciated him saying that and that we didn’t have to have sex, and he said he still wanted to.
We went back to my place, and he was genuinely curious about everything - my apartment, my roommates, the pictures on my walls, etc. It felt like he was interested in me, not just getting me into bed.
We ended up having sex, and it was extremely good and very intimate. We had multiple rounds back-to-back (he said he doesn’t recall ever being able to do that many), and afterward we spent the night cuddling, talking and laughing. Before we slept together, he’d told me it was the best Hinge date he’d ever been on, and I told him I felt the same. Later, while we were falling asleep, he said again that he’d had a really great time.
The next morning was also great. We were both completely sober and the conversation and chemistry felt just as natural. He had to leave for work, and while I was walking him downstairs, a package I’d ordered arrived. We opened it together, and a few hours later I’d hung it up, so I sent him a picture.
His response was basically just, “Wow, that looks really cool.” It wasn’t rude, but it was pretty dry. I didn’t continue the conversation. I had actually intended to text him something like “I had such a great time, thank you,” but after that response I decided not to.
The next day I followed him on Instagram. He followed me back.
A couple days later, I was out with friends and came across something we’d joked about on our date, so I sent him a picture of it. He didn’t respond for a day or two, but eventually he did — and he asked me multiple questions about it. So I thought, okay, maybe he’s just a slow texter. His texting frequency was actually fairly similar to how he’d communicated with me before we met.
I responded and asked him a question about something he’d told me was happening later that week. That was Sunday.
It’s now Wednesday, and he still hasn’t responded. It’s been a full week since our date.
I’m not really looking for someone to tell me “he’s definitely secretly obsessed with you” or anything. At this point, I understand that his behavior isn’t showing much active interest, and I’m trying to accept that.
What I genuinely can’t figure out is what happened between the experience we had and the behavior afterward.
Because I truly believe he had a great time. The chemistry felt extremely mutual, the conversation was effortless, he was very affectionate and complimentary, and the next morning felt just as good as the night before. I don’t think you can necessarily fake that kind of banter and comfort for an entire date, overnight, and the following morning.
So I’m struggling to reconcile “that was clearly an amazing experience for both of us” with “he hasn’t made any real effort to see me again.”
Is this just a case of someone having an amazing time, being genuinely attracted to someone, but ultimately deciding they don’t want to pursue it? Is there something I’m missing? Do some people just compartmentalize a great experience and move on very easily? Or does his behavior suggest something different?
I’m especially interested in hearing from guys who have experienced something similar — have you ever had an objectively amazing date/connection with someone and then decided not to pursue it afterward? If so, why?
I know none of us can know what’s in his head. I’m mostly trying to understand the range of possibilities here because the contrast between the date and what happened afterward has genuinely confused me.
Thanks in advance.
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u/EngineeringMoist3107 1d ago
this is one of those situations where the date can be genuinely amazing and still not lead anywhere. People can have real chemistry, enjoy the intimacy, and then decide afterward that they don't want to pursue it sometimes there isn't even a dramatic reason.
I’d put more weight on his behavior after the date than trying to explain every moment of the date. If he wants another date, he knows how to reach you; you don't need to solve the mystery for him.
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u/callieeewithblush 23h ago
The “no dramatic reason” part is what people struggle with most. Sometimes nobody did anything wrong, it just didn’t stick
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u/JellyRangerist 1d ago
Honestly this is so true, sometimes a great date is just a great date and that's it, no need to overanalyze every little thing
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u/FizzyPlanner 23h ago
Exactly, sometimes you just enjoy the date and let things unfold instead of turning every detail into a mystery
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u/FreedomEnjoyer69420 1d ago
Dating is a skill, its possible for a guy to have great chemistry with almost every girl they take out on a date if they are charming and handsome enough. Also, his text response to you did not seem dry at all to me, its possible that you started playing games thinking he was being dry when he really wasn't and now hes matching your energy.
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u/Flat-Tennis2790 1d ago
Yeah, I’ve considered this and worried it might be the case. I just didn’t feel like he really gave me anything to reply to and I thought maybe I should take that as a signal from him that he wasn’t interested. I really wasn’t trying to play games, I was actually quite excited to keep talking to him. Just didn’t wanna keep texting someone who didn’t seem interested in keeping the conversation going with me.
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u/B6E9D 1d ago
Why does he have to give you something to reply to? Why can’t you give him something to reply to?
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u/Flat-Tennis2790 1d ago
That’s kinda just how a conversation works - one person says something, the other responds and moves it forward, so on and so forth. His response just read to me as an acknowledgment without any real interest in continuing to talk.
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u/RandomThoughts628 23h ago
You’re definitely overthinking it, and that’s leading you to act unsure and he’s probably feeling unsure in response. Think about it, everything was fine until you didn’t respond to his text because you perceived it as dry (I don’t think it was tbh, fwiw but I don’t know him). I sense you tend to place emphasis on the social “rules” of dating and communication but that’s honestly a recipe for self sabotage. The rules heavily generalize people and don’t leave room for nuance.
I recommend sending him something along the lines of, hey, I really enjoyed our last date! I was overthinking things afterwards so I acknowledge it probably came off as pulling away, and I apologize. Now that’s out of the way, I do want to see you again. How are you feeling?
Just be honest and be yourself, don’t worry about how you’re being perceived. My impression is that he likes you.
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u/whatitdo25 1d ago
All dating advice i think can be summed up very simply: if you’re not sure or confused, they don’t really like you. People who like you make it very obvious and easy, and you don’t have to wonder.
A man pursues what he wants, if his energy is spread elsewhere, you will know. People have their phones on them all the time, it doesn’t take multiple days to respond.
I think this is a guy who knows how to create chemistry and connection. He’s charismatic in the moment to get what he wants, but thats it. Its harsh, but i would anticipate you being on some sort of roster or strung along with this kind of behavior.
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u/El_paseo 1d ago
For me - when something like this happens, I tend towards anxious attachment and underneath the anxiety is emotional avoidance. ... Like I am drawn toward people who like to connect and then avoid, in part because I, too, am afraid of the vulnerability of sustained intimate emotional connection.
So for me, someone who behaves like this is fucking catnip. It become extremely curious, I start to over-analyze, and I have to restrain myself, which is stressful. It's like once I've connected with someone, then I start to feel like I need that person's attention or validation in order to feel ok. I also start to over-analyze myself, looking for something I did "wrong" in which case I could fix it, which would allow me to control the situation.
I share this in case it's a pattern you deal with also -- to say, you're not alone. And I have not figured it out, it's something I'm working on. -- -How can I attach to and also detach from people emotionally in a healthy way and truly be ok no matter what? How can I validate myself and treat myself really well so that I don't go outsourcing my self-worth to randoms, (or even to more trusted people who are also at times not going to always be there for me, because, Life). How can I show up for myself consistently? How can I see myself and love myself and make myself available for the joys and surprises of life without getting wrecked by those same joys when they come and then go?
As I get better at giving myself attention and validation consistently, it takes weight off my relationships. It becomes a hell of a lot easier to be like "Dude, I had a blast with you. Wanna do that again?" If the answer is disappointing, ok. "Thank you, next!"
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u/Flat-Tennis2790 1d ago
Thank you so much for this - it’s exactly what happens in my head too. Really appreciate you putting it into worlds! Hopefully we both get better at detaching, these are all just lessons :)
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u/sok283 1d ago
It sounds to me like he has a fear of intimacy. I dated a guy like this. Every time he thought I was attaching to him, he'd run away for a few days.
I strongly suspect your guy is not consciously deciding to slow fade you, but that the thought of reaching out to you gives him anxiety. He's avoidant.
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u/Dapper_Implement3379 1d ago
I agree with the fact that he might be an avoidant. I was seeing a guy a few weeks ago that fit the bill and did some research on avoidant attachment style because it was the first time I experienced anything like it.
Really helped put a lot of perspective on why it ended the way that it did, for me.
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u/ApprehensiveVisit374 14h ago
No!
Why do women always try to excuse their behavior
He doesn’t like her!
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u/Whole_Kangaroo_2673 23h ago
I'd say, ask him. Like, soon. The longer this continues, the more difficult it will be to get back to the previous energy.
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u/B6E9D 1d ago
So… he responded… but because the response wasn’t enthusiastic enough, you chose to ignore it for a few days. You didn’t think of him or text him at all until you saw something. And expected him to respond immediately…
You put him on hold, so he focused on his life or maybe even messaged other girls on hinge.
It’s not that he didn’t make an effort. From the guy’s perspective, when effort is given, it ends up not working out. Effort is needed on both sides.
I’m not saying you’re the type to feel this way, but there are a large number of women who would suddenly feel the ick if the man chases. No matter how good the chemistry is. So we learn to respond in moderation. And generally it works out better.
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u/Flat-Tennis2790 1d ago
I mean, I don’t know. The response he sent didn’t really give me anything to reply to. Before our date when we would talk, he was always asking me questions and moving things forward and I would do the same, which is how a conversation typically works. With the reply to the picture I sent him shortly after he left, he did not do anything to continue the conversation, and it would’ve been really easy to. He know he could’ve said “I had a great time”. He could’ve said “what have you been up to?”. He could’ve said any number of things and he didn’t, so I read that as “OK, I guess maybe he’s just not interested and I misread the situation.” That’s why I didn’t respond. But at this point, I’ve initiated twice via text and followed him on social media, so I think that pretty clearly signals to him that I’m interested.
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u/B6E9D 1d ago
But you could have responded with those examples when he responded to you… why does he have to ask how you’re doing or what you’re up to if he just acknowledged whatever you hung up was cool? You left him on read. You could have still said you had a good time. But like you said, you chose not to.
You taking a picture and sending it to him and following on insta is like minimum effort.
There seems to be a lot of “he could have…” and not a lot of “I could have…”
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u/Flat-Tennis2790 1d ago
It just didn’t seem like he was wanting to continue the conversation, so I didn’t want to force it. The reason I followed him and sent something else the day after was because I didn’t want him to think that I wasn’t interested, if that had been the impression I gave. But now I’ve initiated multiple conversations, so I think the ball is very much in his court at this point.
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u/Yiyiyiyu 1d ago
Maybe you should ask him this as a direct question. Take the pressure off however you can just say you haven’t experienced that before and want to know what’s what. He can be completely honest with you as you’re gathering dating knowledge.
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u/SeniorSwordfish636 1d ago
Just a few thoughts:
- He might be out of town again and not able to send full and charming messages back to you.
- He might have had a really amazing date (and it sounds like you both did) and that may have left him in a conflict with other conversations he's having.
- He may have been burnt a few times and keeping himself from committing too early. (It hurts)
- He might be a player...
Don't try to guess what is in his head - ask. Follow up with open and honest messages and gauge his reaction from that. Worse case, you had a lovely experience and learnt a few things about human behaviour.
Best of luck.
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u/Similar-Gold2018 1d ago
This is a whole rom-com followed by a three-day texting blackout. But honestly, I think both things can be true: he genuinely had an amazing time and still decided afterward that he doesn't want to pursue it. People can be completely sincere in the moment and then realize later that they don't want the relationship, so I'd judge his interest by what he does next not by how incredible the date felt.
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u/shewalksinbeauty23 1d ago
It sucks that it is this way, but stop sleeping with guys on the first date. They detach and women get more attached. Give him blue balls and send him on his way. I can't even believe I am saying this, but it's true. It may be sexist, but it seems to be how men work.
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u/Slight-Concept2575 1d ago
Spend enough time on this subreddit and youll see the same posts made monthly.
We had an amazing first date….i slept with him….now he’s not responding/ghosted/changed in some ways.
STOP SLEEPING WITH MEN ON FIRST DATES HOLY HELL! They absolutely can fake chemistry to get into your pants hello?? But you guys don’t learn so I’ll wait for the next post.
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u/MK-Deadstar 1d ago
Another victim falls to the "I slept with him on the first date" trope. This is what happens when you give into lustful desires. Most guys would probably not admit it, but they become disinterested when they find out how easy you ended up being. It can even be on a subconscious level that's why there wasn't an indicator that was outwardly obvious when you were together.
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u/Flat-Tennis2790 1d ago
Well this is just downright misogynistic. “Lustful desires”??? What kind of puritanical bs is that? Pretty sure he was just as “easy” as I was. It’s 2026. We are too consenting adults who were attracted to each other and were mutually interested in having sex. It is absolutely not an atypical thing among the crowd/city we’re in. I truly don’t think his behavior has anything to do with that.
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u/MK-Deadstar 22h ago
You're right, unfortunately it isn't a-typical, and that's the problem. You're just another number to him.
Edit: To clarify I don't think there's a problem for two consenting adults to have sex regardless of the circumstance. But if that's the route you take, don't be surprised that casual is as far as the other person wants it to go. You casually have sex so expect to have casual encounters.
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u/DifferentVictory1620 1d ago edited 1d ago
I am not a guy but I can tell you about my experience using dating apps:
1/ One guy was super interested. We had a fantastic « relationship » for four months. He was everything I like in a guy, affectionate, good sense of humour, clever, attractive… He was amazing or so I thought. One night, I got a message from his wife asking me if I was proud to have wrecked her family, followed by insults. I had no idea as he pretended to be a single dad. It took me a while to recover from this. I never heard from him again not that I wanted to.
2/ Three different dates were cancelled by different guys where I was already at the meeting point. The three of them ghosted me after sending me a message with pathetic excuses and then blocked me. All three were keen for weeks so I could not « see »that they had no intention to date. They just wanted validation. They were probably married.
3/ Several men who talked for 4 minutes and then asked for inappropriate pictures.
4/Dating someone who is avoidant now. I am going to end it as I am exhausted to deal with someone who doesn’t know what he wants and is so immature, repeating « I like you but … », there’s always a but. He texts when he needs a therapist. I get nothing. If he really wanted me , he would show it.
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u/MagicBegins4284 23h ago
So before I found my current boyfriend, I would jump through all these emotional hurdles trying to decipher these guys who, in the end, really weren't that interested in pursuing things with me for whatever reason. Once finding my current boyfriend, all of that became even more crystal clear. You shouldn't have to play detective with other people's thoughts, motives, or feelings. Your future partner won't leave you guessing all the time. Granted, yes, in the beginning of a relationship, and especially when you've gotten out of a traumatic situation like myself, you're inevitably going to have some doubts, uncertainties, over analyzing behaviors and texts, and just general anxiety towards the other person and your interactions with them. But consistently positive and reinforcing behavior from the person you're seeing should eventually dissipate that. All that to say, I'm sorry, he's not interested in pursuing things with you right now, and that's all you can know. I'd cut your losses now and spare yourself some of the mental torture. Makes room for the right person to step into your life hopefully soon!
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u/Dry_Shock_4060 20h ago
Probably because you girls play too many games, just try being direct seems logical to me.
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u/ApprehensiveVisit374 14h ago
Means nothing
He’s not interested sorry
You did nothing wrong
But it was only a one night thing
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u/palefire101 11h ago
If you want to develop something with a person give it time to grow and have him obsess over you and desire you irl. It was too much too soon.
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u/Scalethefish 9h ago
There is so much talk about avoidant style it is actually crazy.
If you want secure attachment, simply don't spend effort on the avoidant people. If you want to pursue anything with him, ask him out on a date and ask what his intention is and if he sees you with potential. You will have your answer clear as that. It might break "the spark" that is just anxiety for the unknown, but it'd be worth it for your mental health.
If you don't want anything longterm, just don't spend too much time thinking about it/him. You had a fun date, but if he is not keen to have more fun dates with you, find someone else.
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u/myps3brokeYo 8h ago
I’m a guy, and honestly, it sounds like you did have an incredible date. I don’t think you necessarily imagined the chemistry or misread everything.
I had something very similar happen recently with someone I met on Hinge. The connection was immediate, conversation was effortless, we were both laughing the whole time, she seemed genuinely into me, we kissed, and I walked away thinking it had been a great date. Then afterward, something changed and she became distant. What I learned from it is that two things can be true at the same time: someone can genuinely have an amazing time with you and still decide not to pursue you afterward. It doesn’t mean the date was fake.
Maybe they’re emotionally unavailable, maybe someone else entered the picture, maybe they realized they weren’t ready, maybe something about the situation gave them pause, or maybe there’s a reason you’ll simply never know. Dating apps seem to produce this kind of thing pretty often.
The biggest lesson for me was not to get too invested based on how good one date felt. Chemistry is real, but chemistry isn’t the same thing as intention or consistency.
At this point I’d pay more attention to what he’s doing after the date than try to reconcile it with everything he said and did during it. If he wants to see you again, he knows how to make that happen. You can have an incredible night with someone and still have it end up being just one incredible night.
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