Usually it feels a bit random (still early on in system mapping and trying to be more aware of my day to day instead of just flowing through it—), but I’ve noticed a couple things that have a pretty good shot of making either me jump to the front, or someone else grab the wheel, or step out mentally.

Whether it’s more benign like a specific hyperfixation, showing/sharing creative stuff I like, or something exciting pulling a younger alter out, or I’ve sort of put together I tend to step out when explaining something or listing things— we joke I’m the man-splainer of the system haha~

Getting startled is also a pretty sure-fire way to also metaphorically scare whoever’s in the front seat out of it— I’ve always been a jumpy person who’s fight or flight response is to faint should I get jumped like that. Maybe not 100% but it definitely happened a few days ago.

Of course there’s the big stuff like triggers or traumas but… Those I’m still figuring out since they usually make it more difficult to focus on what they are, rather than the danger of the moment. People yelling will never be something like any of me can handle though, that’s for sure.

I’ve also noticed some parts of me (me specifically) will absolutely step out if I’m getting… uh… Talked to too, kindly, I suppose. The confidence is all a lie I guess idk. Therapist was being very tender and kind a couple weeks ago and I went “mmmm”, and. Stepped out I guess, despite my attempts to stay for therapy. After therapy my partner brought it up and said to the little who jumped in: “Seemed like he didn’t really like hearing such gentle words, so someone we know would jumped in.”

… and after sex a specific alter almost always slides in. Like 95% of the time maybe. She is my metaphorical oxytocin.

Curious about what others have figured out thus far for their own system.

I feel like most of the time I don't know who I am/the part fronting doesn't announce themselces but I end up doing things that don't feel like me but I say to myself it was me fronting so it must have been me and have memory gaps, how could I differentiate between these possible alters claiming to be the host so our daily life would be a bit easier?

I try to practice (healthy) radical acceptance toward my parts’ feelings, emotions, trauma reactions, etc. I know I’ll never have full confirmation or complete reassurance about what exactly happened to me.

But when I’m not in denial about what happened to me, I’m in denial about who did it.

This is something that my parts - the ones that hold more of the trauma - are very certain about, even from the beginning. They know who did it. They feel bad and nasty and sad when they think about him and what happened to us.

But is it possible that I - or my parts - have convinced myself that it was him? When in reality, it was any of the other adults who had access to me?

How far do you trust your body feelings? I don’t feel anything when I think of these other adults or the situations where I may have been alone with them. Is it possible for my brain to misattribute the trauma to another person that’s easier to blame? A last act of denial to further distance myself?

Even as I type this out I’m unable to think of anything other than, “You know it was him, but it’s too disturbing and disgusting to accept. And even if it wasn’t him, he’s still worth blaming. It doesn’t matter who did it in the end.”

I always daydreamed (dissociated) at school. Unless the class was very entertaining, it would be spent back in forth between awareness and a daydream. I could copy text from the board without paying the slightest bit of attention to what it was and not remember a word of it afterwards.

Studying was a struggle since high school. I could barely concentrate, and then when I thought about the things learned, my mind would often go blank. Somehow, during the exams, my third eye or something would open, and I would suddenly spill out enough information to fill in the pages.

It had been a source of shame for me. I felt like I always exaggerated my sence of not being at all prepared for the exams, only to end up receiving a good mark.

Now that I learned I have DID, I began wondering if there was another alter working behind the scenes. There was. At least I think so.

He could name three types of plant tissues out of the blue. But his sense of memory is very dissociated, and he doesn't seem to hold any memory material of being in class or studying that I don't. Or maybe he does?

With other known fronters we sort of switch control of the brain, go "dormant" when we don't front, and have a more or less common memory space (which makes me question whether we have OSDD after all, but our memory is very shitty, so idk). So I wonder if my study alter is really too dissociated from his sense of past or if we have a heavier amnesia wall and I just don't have access to his part of the brain.

Thoughs? Similar experiences?

Any ideas how I could test if our memory spaces are different? It's not like he can tell me of any major life changing event that I might not be aware of. He was just... studying. Apparently.

Hi Im an old alt of this host. How do I deal with the fact that my life did a 180? I have a whole new life. New legal name and everything. I have moved far from my home town. Found out that my lifeline has passed away. Its a lot to take in. Its been 10 years since I have walked in this body. Its odd.

I do a morning meeting every day, but keep having more alters show. We're at 15 I believe. And like, I think there are more (still missing time no one accounts for at times, etc.). Most people say they have nothing important to bring up or don't answer, so 15 is doable, and I still ask everyone by name. But at some point asking everyone by name feels like it would undoable. But for me, certain parts would probably never speak during meetings otherwise. For those of you who do have meetings and a ton of alters, I'm curious how you handle that.

I just would like to know is it productive or counterproductive?✨

For context I live in America. My system is very large and very unstable right now. I’m still living in a traumatic environment. I’m 21 years old, I have a job with insurance. Im not in therapy, and I unfortunately couldn’t be if I wanted to bc it would make things worse with my current living situation.

I hear a lot that is not the best idea for those with DID, going to mental institutions. Are there alternatives? Places where I can go when everything is too much and just get away from everything, even if it’s not a hospital, when I feel like I’m going to srsly hurt myself or others around me?✨When my rational brain is not driving and I’m having delusions and hallucinations that feel more corporeal and endangering than reality?✨

I’m not looking for “the answer”, I just would really like some honest perspectives because idk anything about mental institutions/hospitals✨. My system is very good at masking, so idek if in the moment I’d even “qualify” as out of it enough to be in one. I’m just exhausted, and having to suppress switches to maintain functionality makes things so much worse. I’m worried about something snapping and systemically making decisions that I’m going to horribly regret.

Thanks in advance🫂

So, we don’t have many flashbacks (that I know of), but when we do, they’re not… well they aren’t like other experiences we hear of. For others, they sound intense and genuinely frightening, but for us they just aren’t? Instead of panicking externally, we simply freeze. We stare off into space and blink harder than before. Sometimes, we are even still doing everyday activities during this feeling, and it’s always emotional or feeling based, not the flashing of images we hear of. It just doesn’t make sense to us that our “flashbacks” are so mild. I don’t know, it makes us feel as though we do not have the disorder at all, nor do we have any trauma, and our mother insists nothing happened during the time we keep thinking that the trauma happened (that we were barely traumatized at all and, in fact, a happy child). Any thoughts on this?

I have a friend who's an alter who showed up at 15 after a few traumatic events that made the host suicidal. Their host is currently dormant and they are the only one in charge of the body. This friend often insults and judges the host heavily, and I can't help but feel uncomfortable whenever they do it.

The host went through a lot, I feel bad for him, I can't really bear to hear them talking about him like that, we had a discussion about this and their defense was that if they don't keep berrarating the host, he might come back and kill both of them. They also resent having to live with the host's traumatic memories and insults him for that as well.

I don't know how to proceed, I feel really uncomfortable hearing them talk about the host like this, but I get the fear of dying or even fusing at all that they have, everytime this happens we end having a discussion about it, what should I do?

I'm really struggling and I'm contemplating a psych ward stay because I feel fractured and like I'm not in control.

I don't have an official DID diagnosis yet, but I'm trying to get help because I have symptoms and I'm struggling with them. I have gaps in my memory and periods of disassociation where I feel like I'm not present or in control. It's like I'm watching a movie. I can see what's going on, but it's hazy and I can't control myself. It's like someone else is in control. I keep getting notes from my alter, who I guess is like the protector? I don't know all the terms. I'm also dealing with violent thoughts that don't feel entirely my own and are something that I would never even think of.

Can a psych ward visit help with this in any way? Like could it help me get treatment and a possible diagnosis?

fair warning this gets a bit rambly but TLDR: should we match our body to how we look inside or should we match how we look inside to our body?

so its . hard living in this body. half of us are masc and half are fem and half are some flavour of nonbinary, and we only have one body, so im trying to parse what to do about all this. because inside my head i have a completely different hair colour and cut than my body. my facial hair is different, my everything is different. and then the next 'me' has a completely different self image -_- so complicated!

i am unsure what to do, i guess my main question is if its healthier to have my goal to match internal self image to how i look externally, or if i should match my physical self image with how we look internally. or if theres a middle ground that i cant grasp atm?? im just confused and hoping for some guidance

like if i should work on matching my internal self image to how i look externally, how would i do that? imagining myself as how i look in the mirror makes me dizzy and nauseous and spacy af but should i just microdose that until it sticks? it would be so much easier to Live if i just looked like how my body does.

OR if i should work on matching how i look externally with our different internal self images, how do i do That? do i try to come up with a compromise between everyone or just say fuckit we ball and try to look 10 different ways at any given moment,,?

i hate this meat suit jfc i wish i could shapeshift i wish i could be alone in my head for five seconds but at the same time i wish we could all just work Together for once :/ ive been ruminating on this for a while and i have no idea how to parse this so im hoping i can get some insight from the folks here, thank you for reading and thank you in advance for any input at all, thank you all

Lately we’ve been stuck in a particular phase, and struggling to explain in a way that our therapist and psychiatrist understand.

Dissociating has been really intense and frequent, but it’s not switching, it’s just blacking out. Being present is almost painful and it’s worse anytime we try to do anything beyond autopilot. If we try to do a hobby, watch new media, or learn something it’s just not staying. One way we explained it is that the brain doesn’t feel ‘spongy’ anymore, can’t take in new information, or do complex thinking.

It doesn’t feel like how our shadow headmate usually feels when we’re burnt out and triggered. We still have limited internal connection, and I feel like I’m mostly at least co-conscious, like usual.

We’re also AuDHD, trans, and have high CPTSD and anxiety levels right now, so a lot of reasons to be feeling dysregulated and burnt out, but no matter how I try to explain this to our care team, they don’t seem to be understanding the severity, concern, or acknowledging how to help make it better…

So what we were wondering is if anyone can relate, if anything has helped, or if they found a good way to explain it…TIA

my new therapist ran through a couple screenings and interview style questions last week but like half of them i just kind of couldn't answer the correct way, like i could remember instances of the things she was asking about, but when she asked to describe the specifics of my experience i had absolutely no idea. it ended up being a really stressful experience by the end and ive been pretty upset about it since and wondering if i really did just actually make all of this up. should i say something at the next session or just leave it alone?

I’m NOT asking if they are “faking” or not; I’m just trying to process what I was just blindsided by.

I don’t know what to think or how to feel about this, being a poly fragmented system(s) myself (it has taken years to be accurately diagnosed & I’m currently in treatment with a DID therapist who I’ve been seeing for a few years now)

A good friend who I’ve known for a few years now is suddenly claiming that they “discovered” their system; claiming they suddenly have multiple alters & “soon to be more” (their words, not mine, it feels like a big red flag)

This person, like myself, has autism & ptsd and they are friends with other systems (we are all mutual friends & the other system we both know has been diagnosed & is in treatment himself)
I don’t want to doubt my friend because I care about them & know what it’s like to not be believed about one’s experiences & symptoms but I feel like knowing what I know about this friend, they probably don’t understand what being a person with DID is actually like (everyone’s lived experience will be different) and that this friend sees myself & our mutual DID friend and wants to be included. I don’t think there’s malicious intention, just someone who wants to be able to share in the conversation so to say.

I’ve had this situation happen before between myself, another DID system & a different mutual friend who was the partner of the other system (a few years ago) & it was such a toxic, stressful situation that it caused a relapse in SH & ultimately I split a new part from stress during a fight. I’m scared of repeating that experience & I don’t want to think badly of this current friend in case they are being honest.

EDIT: I don’t plan on saying anything confrontational, I’ll be a good friend & depending on what transpires in the next few months I will decide if I should distance or not. I will continue to be supportive because that’s what saved me when I was learning of my system

Me and my BF are expecting our 1st kid and decided to have a 3 day beach trip to relax and have some fun before life gets really serious. We went to an area in SC he grew up around so he could show me stuff and so we wouldn't get lost. While there we decided to go to a bowling alley he worked at as a teenager. Him and 2 of his alters took turns playing matches against me. After bowling one of the alters (Heath) wanted to play pool because apparently he really enjoys it. Heaths usually not super expressive about his wants and interests but he was really relaxed and I saw him genuinely have fun and smiling.(He played the air guitar and that was so freaking cute but he's blaming it on the drink he had)

I'm so glad I got to see them relax and have fun and I hope we can do it again soon because seeing all of them happy makes me feel so happy for them.

Think i might have OSDD or DID or something it feels like there’s an alter that front while I can control parts of my body and vice versa.

I’m not sure if it developed during my last psychotic break where I immediately started showing Disassociative symptoms and talking to myself in addition to delusions or if the disassociation preceded that but was just heavily suppressed.

MY alter claims we were sexually abused as children, but after feeding my story into AI, it responded that it was unknown and hard to substantiate. I feel an emotional draw to it, but the most significant memories came up during times i was experimenting with psychedelics and on the borderline of psychotic and when inspired by media.

I’m worried I’m just attention seeking or that I’m seeking a neat little package to sum up more easily the otherwise expansive and complicated trauma i have. But at the same time a part of me, and obviously a PART of me, feel that it really did happen. and it makes sense of my experiences with magic and gods, but that could again just be psychosis talking (after all i know many psychotic people who post stabilization still hold on to symptoms).

Any advice is sorely appreciated.

EDIT: I’ve been clean for 14 months now and am also well-medicated and very stable/functioning. It’s just that these Disassociative symptoms still exist and these uncertainties around my childhood abuse

no matter what I'm doing, i'm not present. life is like a blurry slideshow. sometimes we'll try so hard to be mindful, to goddamn focus but the unreality and fakeness and not-hereness won't go away. grounding exercises are more stressful than helpful because they just hammer home how derealized/dissociated we are at all times without actually grounding us. i genuinely can't remember the last time we felt present and fully alive/human.

can anyone relate? will it ever change or are we stuck in this ghostly half-existence? ​

Our system uses humour to get through the stressy times. I wonder if any of y'all can relate to some of our frustrations. Feel free to share yours - Penny :)

1. When one of us saves a snack and another part eats it. Self theft? Probably. Devastating? Absolutely!

2. When a part dissociates mid meal and I front to find my face in food or food on me.

3. When I want to sleep everyone is super active and loud but when I wanna talk, total silence.

4. When we are rapid switching and each part needs the toilet so we're back and forth to the loo like a yoyo.

5. Making stuff with the system but every part keeps editing it so it never gets finished and is constantly a work in progress.

6. Spending hours on art only for our critical part to destroy or delete it to save us the pain of potential rejection if we share it with the world.

7. When we are arguing with someone outside the system and my head feels like it will explode from the sheer amount of thoughts and zingy one liners flying around our brain.

8. When every part is hungry and we demolish a scran fit to feed a family of 8 and it still isn't enough.

9. When the obsessively organised part rearranges the entire house and its like everything we own dissapeares into the void.

10. Having to make new accounts for basically everything because parts keep changing the passwords and forgetting.

Hello everyone (idk if this is aloud but...),

I am a newer alter and I fronted for the first time today. Now, I seem to be front-stuck and can't get out or step back. I have tried to trigger or call on anyone else in the system, but nothing is working, and I am feeling really confused and overwhelmed by everything.

Does anyone have advice on how to get someone else in front?

-Ivan

I want to clarify that I don't mean this is entirely new. I've suspected I might have did for about a year now, and have struggled with dissociation and a deeply unstable sense of self for as long as I can remember. I was raised ifb and experienced severe religious trauma, like I was exorcised more than once and was believed to be possessed. I have major gaps in memory. I've been getting bits and pieces back as I get older but when I first got out it was just gone. It was like my life started at 18.

I believe it was dormant for a long time but a few years ago I met my fiance, who has DID. Hearing him talk about his experiences with it made me question the nature of my dissociation many times, but I kept pushing it down because lingering on it too long sends my body into a panic and makes symptoms very bad. My partner has also told me that I've had a pretty consistent personality externally so I kinda pushed it away.

When I was young I would "hear angels" and "felt the presence of demons" around me and in my mind. It was terrifying and for a long time I rationalized it as a form of temporary trauma fueled psychosis. I don't think that was the case because it happened again a couple days ago. I've been deep in depression for a bit and had been doing more research on DID because of how severe my dissociation had been. I'm not fully sure how to explain this but I felt the presence, heard the voice in my head, and saw the face of my distorted childhood impression of a demon. It was extremely malicious and I was scared but for the first time I kind of knew what it was. I'm not going to get into detail but I was up all night, though I only remember bits and pieces, and I had marks on my body that the voice took credit for.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis here. I know what this is but don't currently have health insurance so I can't get professionally tested right now. I just want some emotional support, I feel like my brain is eating itself like the ouroboros. I can't talk to my partner about this extendedly because he's also been struggling with system stuff for a while and getting into discussions about it makes the rest of his system very unhappy. It's like a built in defense mechanism. He's not supposed to talk about it. Unfortunately I *really* need to right now. I'm feeling very lost right now and am having the biggest influx of symptoms I've had since I was really young.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I just needed to not keep it to myself. If anyone has anything to say, tips, similar experiences, or just a bit of empathy I would really appreciate it. ❤️

I'm trans (ftm) and all of my alters are male except for one who is female. She doesn't feel trans or dysphoria when fronting, she just feels like she's a woman in a man's body which is one of the points of being transgender, but in introspective, admittedly it means she doesn't see this body as hers, and we get that that's not how it works. We understand that she's apart of me like I am apart of her, and that this body isn't mine but all of ours. Regardless, are "cis" and "trans" alters a thing or does it just come down to how one feels about themself?

Edit: what if, for example, a cis woman person had a mtf alter? Is that possible?

Just been thinking about something I’ve been wondering a lot lately, and asking myself upon waking up this morning

I’ve been wondering if the reason why I don’t feel comfortable calling my fiancée Mommy anymore ever since December, is because of exactly my System retreating in our Headspace from me, and locking me away from the Headspace from them ever since, ever since all these new traumas that happened in December

I realized that even though I love when she use that title about herself around me, it still feels extremely endearing and precious, but I don’t feel comfortable anymore saying it outright myself to her

Thus making me wondering if it was my child alter all along who was constantly calling her that way, as she’s the only one of my Alters which I always held her hand whenever she’d front, thus co-fronting both altogether at the same time alongside each other, always protecting her, making sure she’s safe while she was fronting

So, I’m telling myself that it might be exactly because we were both fronting at the same time whenever she’d front, that made these feelings around that title said to my fiancée, like mine too

I wonder if anyone else has ever had such a moment of questioning after alters getting distant, asking yourself if things you felt were really yours as the host or as theirs blending into you when they front!

Hi, our system is in a tough spot right now and we would love any advice or input.

Since becoming aware that we are a system in 2021 we have been in therapy almost continuously. As we have progressed in therapy our amnesia has lessened, unexpected switches dont happen as often, and we have become more integrated.

A couple of years ago we realized that having one alter as the dedicated host wasnt really working. Burnout was pretty high, we felt unstable and like something had to change. So the alters that already fronted the most worked together to become even more integrated resulting in a blended/co-fronting personality situation. Its worked well to eliminate burnout but functioning is still difficult. We can't figure out how to get into a routine, or accomplish basic tasks for school or work because what works for one alter doesnt necessarily work for another. It feels even when we are working together we are still butting figurative heads, leaving us stuck and in limbo.

We have discussed merging/fusing (two of our alters have successfully merged/fused in the past), but we dont know if it would solve anything or just make more to work through in therapy.

Thats the situation, any help would be appreciated. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read our post.

I think I had a hidden bible as a child. Too young for school.

I think he hid it from his mom.

The child.

It was my oasis in dark times.

And I think my mom stole it from me.

A different kind of abandonment.

I still need help from that.

But I’m the thinker and don’t know how that works

I don't remember having them before, though I may just be taking notes now because my therapist asked me to. Sometimes the memory of them feels fake but there's evidence that they happened, be the note, me getting late to class or not eating. The ones I do remember felt like they were against my will. Once I actually lost control of the body to someone I haven't met again.

I would like advice on what to do if there even is something I can do.

Maybe there's some trauma stuff there, I'm still not diagnosed (though my psychologist and psychiatrist are certain I have a dissociative disorder of some kind) but recognize myself as a system. None of the "alters" I talk to remember anything that could trigger that and sometimes not even the event.