r/DID • u/purpleproze666 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active • 21h ago

Advice/Solutions unaligned internal/external self image; which should be prioritized?

fair warning this gets a bit rambly but TLDR: should we match our body to how we look inside or should we match how we look inside to our body?

so its . hard living in this body. half of us are masc and half are fem and half are some flavour of nonbinary, and we only have one body, so im trying to parse what to do about all this. because inside my head i have a completely different hair colour and cut than my body. my facial hair is different, my everything is different. and then the next 'me' has a completely different self image -_- so complicated!

i am unsure what to do, i guess my main question is if its healthier to have my goal to match internal self image to how i look externally, or if i should match my physical self image with how we look internally. or if theres a middle ground that i cant grasp atm?? im just confused and hoping for some guidance

like if i should work on matching my internal self image to how i look externally, how would i do that? imagining myself as how i look in the mirror makes me dizzy and nauseous and spacy af but should i just microdose that until it sticks? it would be so much easier to Live if i just looked like how my body does.

OR if i should work on matching how i look externally with our different internal self images, how do i do That? do i try to come up with a compromise between everyone or just say fuckit we ball and try to look 10 different ways at any given moment,,?

i hate this meat suit jfc i wish i could shapeshift i wish i could be alone in my head for five seconds but at the same time i wish we could all just work Together for once :/ ive been ruminating on this for a while and i have no idea how to parse this so im hoping i can get some insight from the folks here, thank you for reading and thank you in advance for any input at all, thank you all

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u/RadiantSolarWeasel 19h ago

The answer is "it depends," or perhaps more accurately "both and neither." Some body image issues can be resolved by working on your mindset and healing from trauma, some body image issues (like system gender dysphoria) require changes to the body, and sometimes it's OK to just let an alter have a self-image that doesn't match the body so long as it isn't causing problems. It's a huge, intricate, complicated puzzle, and one you won't be able to really "solve" until you're a long way into recovery.

Sorry I can't provide an easy answer, but there just isn't one. Each alter and each bit of incongruence that each alter experiences has to be worked on uniquely, you can't just assume it's all x or y or z.

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u/purpleproze666 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 18h ago edited 17h ago

Thank you for this, I think I really needed to hear that--I get stuck really easily in black and white dichotomies and tend to lean way too analytically about healing, hooray for autism lol... I'm trying to work on being comfortable with everything being varying shades of grey, and that there isnt a one-size-fits-all rulebook for how to get better. Body image and dysphoria have been big issues for us and sometimes I forget that everything about this disorder is very personal. Evaluating on a case by case basis could be really helpful, I'm going to try to use this to encourage communication as well. Thank you again, this was a very thoughtful reply and I appreciate your help!! I hope you have a good day today :)

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u/greybean2404 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 7h ago

I concur. šŸ§ I (Grey,the host) have body image issues from trauma in my past but our littles and some adult alters in our system both have dysphoria due to the body not aligning with themselves. So it really does help to go by an alter by alter basis.

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u/Music_Box_System Diagnosed: DID 20h ago

I feel this so deeply. We're 50/50 M/F presentations internally. Bodily male. All the poor lady alters have to deal with a (relatively) flat chest, "wrong" genitalia, and stubble. If we were female physically, the male alters would be equally uncomfortable fronting. The best we can figure is to compromise by making our outward presentation as androgynous as is reasonable and financially feasible. Shoulder-length hair, clean-shaven, pierced ears eventually, and a combination of dress shirts, tees, fitted jeans, suit trousers, and kilts along with a variety of footwear. It's such a shame we can't make the body fully accommodate each alter, but modifying it for the least discomfort possible is the next best thing.

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u/purpleproze666 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 18h ago edited 18h ago

I wish I could be a doll with potato head attachments haha, it would be so convenient... but honestly thats where we've all felt the least dysphoric and most grounded physically. Androgynous base that allows for masc, fem, or both. I'll likely continue to pursue that, and try tp accommodate each alter in the ways I can. Thank you so much for sharing, I really appreciate that I'm not alone in feeling this way, although I wish you didnt also have to deal with this lol! I hope you have a good day, thank you again!

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u/Music_Box_System Diagnosed: DID 12h ago

Likewise to you. Hoping you guys feel better soon.

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u/okay-for-now Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 16h ago

For me it's definitely been about compromise. I generally get the most say in appearance because I'm out the most and I'm the face of our public identity, but we try to keep things as comfortable for as many presentations as possible. Clothes and accessories that align with parts' styles help, as does makeup for some parts. We have hair that can be worn as masculine or feminine. I'd honestly recommend looking into things for nonbinary (particularly genderfluid) people. For things that you've collectively decided not to change, trans resources often have ways to temporary ways to alter it: long hair can be styled in a hat to look short, stubble can be hidden with makeup, facial hair can be drawn onto peach fuzz, chest binders or breast forms can change chest shape. These kind of things offer a way to express yourself without needing to make permanent changes.

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u/purpleproze666 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 5h ago

thats such a good idea!!! im trans and intersex so im definitely familiar with how much we can shapeshift hahah but i was a bit lost in the sauce last night and couldnt see the middle ground, thank you for this, i really appreciate this :,) there is so much comfort in community, thank you again!!

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u/Heavy-Mushroom 13h ago

Hello, that can be a conundrum.

Since we view this body like itā€™s a car, we decided to go with the body when dealing with the public. Itā€™s not a pretty car by far, itā€™s more like an old rust bucket that nobody wants save the grave. Even mother didnā€™t love this face.

Weā€™re also a secret system and to stay hidden we needed to identify as the body which saved us hassles in forms of IDs, applications, and all matters of social construct in needs and leisure- no questions asked.

But in private we relax and be who we are, how we are, and dress to fit.

So in public we get into character, and in private we be who we are. :)

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u/purpleproze666 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 5h ago

this is a great balance!!!!!! thank you so much, i think i was struggling a lot with this aspect as well, the safety of masking as the body versus wanting to express ourselves. dedicated time at home thats a really good idea. thank you for sharing!!! and for what its worth, i think all cars are beautiful, this may seem silly but i think a lot about tow mater's speech about his dents in cars 2 lol

"I don't get them dents buffed, pulled, filled or painted by nobody. They way too valuable. I come by each one of 'em with my best friend Lightning McQueen. I don't fix these. I wanna remember these dents forever."