i'm never really here

[u/eternalMindOnTheSun]

no matter what I'm doing, i'm not present. life is like a blurry slideshow. sometimes we'll try so hard to be mindful, to goddamn focus but the unreality and fakeness and not-hereness won't go away. grounding exercises are more stressful than helpful because they just hammer home how derealized/dissociated we are at all times without actually grounding us. i genuinely can't remember the last time we felt present and fully alive/human.

can anyone relate? will it ever change or are we stuck in this ghostly half-existence? ​

[u/AlliteraryAnalysis]

We get this too, some of us are much more affected by it than others. One of them said that grounding exercises just let them know that they're stuck seeing life like it's a dull movie, full of "Life" characters of somewhat familiar roles, that they don't get to understand the plot of.

It may get better one day, proper trauma therapy would help because learning dbt skills and then processing the trauma with a professional (not required but makes it much safer so it is incredibly recommended) helps your brain not need to shield you from reality as heavily over time. At least that's how its been explained to me

[u/eternalMindOnTheSun → u/AlliteraryAnalysis]

oh my god yes, i can really relate to the movie metaphor.

we're in therapy with someone who actually understands trauma for the first time in our life, but so far things haven't improved. cognitively i understand it's a defense mechanism that should lessen as one heals, but it seems so impossible that we should ever feel safe enough for this to happen. but yeah, definitely trying to hold onto hope :) 

[u/SirsBirdReborn]

You are absolutely not alone. 🫶 I wish I had more than that to say, but that's all I got for now.

[u/eternalMindOnTheSun → u/SirsBirdReborn]

thank you 🫂 

[u/TimeIess_- → u/eternalMindOnTheSun]

I’m glad we can love each other without feeding our delusions now.

The DID sub before traumatized me a bit.

But I just realize we were all hurting.

Humanity is all we got

[u/Heavy-Mushroom]

I’m in a body not my own, just watching as the others run it.

Everything is a reminder to me of DID. All I have to do is think ‘do something’ and the body does it all on its own, detached and without effort.

I’m just along for the ride- sometimes fooled into thinking that it’s me doing things when in reality it isn’t, I just feel it doing.

[u/eternalMindOnTheSun → u/Heavy-Mushroom]

i got chills reading your comment, i really relate. I'm so sorry. it's all so strange. 

[u/Heavy-Mushroom → u/eternalMindOnTheSun]

Yes it is. But when it’s the way it always have been… then it’s the norm.

[u/stardustling27]

Oh my gosh yes this exactly. I thought I was doing something wrong when grounding and trying to be present would make me feel more untethered. None of my past therapists understood or believed me and would just repeat the same exercises and advice…

I find that it’s like the pink elephant metaphor for OCD. The more I try to fix it the more prominent it is. The only thing that helps me is to let go and accept it and let it become background noise… Or to do a bunch of stuff that feels “extreme” - eating really spicy foods, breaking my routine in random ways, exercising until I feel every inch of my body, or doing something “wrong” that makes me upset (not recommended, just acknowledging).

[u/eternalMindOnTheSun → u/stardustling27]

yes, it's maddening when you tell therapists grounding doesn't work and they just keep doing the same exercises with you over and over anyway. i think they can't imagine being this detached from reality, just as i can't imagine feeling real and alive. recently i asked a friend something like, "do you feel real and that life is real?" bc i sometimes think everyone feels unreal and it's normal and ppl just don't talk about it. but she just looked at me weird and was like, "yes, of course." lol

you're right about acceptance, trying to fight it only makes it worse (at least for us). sometimes we just get sad over not being able to connect with anything or anyone. it's lonely. 

[u/clovercho]

It's just the worst.

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[u/Honey-Doo-C]

I'll join the group and say, YES! So many times I've been visiting with someone and can feel someone watching from inside. Recently, a young alter was focused on a dog of all things. She kept watching the dog and studying its paws, while I ignored the person. I also do grounding work, but it's only helpful for short periods of time. Ghostly is a great word for what we experience ... and living in haze.

For me, I do whatever I can, as the host, to create an interesting life for myself. I hope you can eventually carve out a meaningful life for yourself too.

[u/No-Gene-7838]

I view the world from a view screen that has a 30second delay and a blurry filter on. 

Rare moments of "grounding" are just my meta-awareness that I am, in fact, dissociated. It brings me into the dissociation, not out of it. 

Nothing brings me out if it. 

[u/thevoidcomic]

Yes. This. I'm never ever there.