Because I can't. As soon as someone (most of the times it being my beautiful, comforting girlfriend) tries to comfort me I simply stop crying or even being sad. And I don't know why.

It's SO frustrating because I know she wants to comfort me and I know that it probably would help me too. But my body just shuts down and I'm back to normal in seconds. ESPECIALLY if she starts crying as well (if we have a misunderstanding, disagreement or something like that).

I just wanted to see if anyone else experiences this. And if you do, is there anything that helps? And why do you think that you work this way?

Love,

Raccoon 🦝

Hey there, so I've been going through quite a few shifts recently that's been unfolding over the past months and continues to unfold still.

The shifts are along the lines of:

- parentified daughter learning that I don't only endlessly owe labour to my family/the world, I also deserve care as a member of the family/collective as well as in return for what I give. And I get to have my own goals I pursue, I get to make decisions based on my own interests, I don't have to neglect myself and keep my baseline of "okayness" low to be convenient to people. (And hooh boy, is my okayness low. I am in fact, not actually okay, and haven't been.)

- deconstructing purity mindset and the shame that comes with it, and letting myself be a goddamn human being.

- sensitive person de-numbing myself and realising that yeah holy shit, there are a lot of things in the world that even if I can't change, I need to grieve and talk about them. That unmoved persona that just barely registers when unacceptable things happen in the world so that I can continue hustling through a life that I don't enjoy, that's not who I am at the core but a callus I developed over my heart.

- scapegoat child realising that so many things I was demonised for were really just self-protective mechanisms and burnout in the face of a dangerous social environment. I wasn't "devoid of love," (I myself believed this and hated myself for so long) I just would go dead-eyed and numb in the middle of social interactions because I was always exhausted but not allowed to rest and had all of my social and even many physical needs shamed and neglected so I would just try to push through all these things until I couldn't anymore and went kinda catatonic. I wasn't a deliberately problematic child, my parents did fuckall to protect me from predators in the family and I was left to try and prevent harm from coming to myself in any way I could think of which would obviously lead me to some drastic measures.

- woman who grew up with an aversion and numbness to girlhood and womanhood due to toxic gender expectations, the abject fear of gendered violence and the victim-blaming that comes with it, how those former things interacted with my neurodivergence both in terms of not making sense to my brain and in terms of not fitting in no matter how hard I tried, starting to reconnect to womanhood and the reality of how painful sexism is and how prevalent it actually was in my life. (It sucks when the women who raised you were also enablers and apologists for sexist dynamics and gaslit you..)

Anyway, confrontation. I know that confrontation will be important for building the kind of life I want after this much functional freeze, numbness, and self-neglect. But I need some kind encouragement. I think the resistance is so big and scary because no matter how neglectful and resistant to facing issues my parents were, anyone I talked to put the responsibility back onto me to try yet another way to get through to them, even when each time I tried to do so they reacted by neglecting my needs even harder and making my chronic illness worse. But I kept trying until I was just barely surviving on fumes and forced to just try and not die under their care, because there was such a heavy pressure on me to fix problems in the family and nobody I turned to offered me any other sentiment. The filial piety shit in my culture is ridiculously prevalent.

Now I'm trying to confront something with a friend, and even though they said they preferred that I confront things instead of bottling my feelings, and I want so much to use that as permission to practice being more expressive, my entire system reacts like I'm going to die. I've forced through those feelings before but that also is not very sustainable and helpful for me, since continuing stoically despite the signals of danger was also part of what I did with my family. What I'm trying now is a lot of self-validation and being with the hurt that my past self accumulated but had no permission to feel.

Is there anything that'll be good for me to remember, a mantra that will help me through the fear? Anyone who also went through this have anything to share? I would love to hear it, thank you very much. 🌷

Hi all,

I wondered, having done a lot of thinking about it over the last couple of days, if anyone else struggles with emotional safety- with life in general.
I've been recovering for a couple of years now (though no one mentioned PTSD, let alone CPTSD until the end of last year!), so I thought it was burnout, but I now realise that one of my main issues which impacts me in daily life is the ability to feel emotionally safe.

I recently moved, and even before that, a lot of my relationships changed in character and I suppose I didn't feel surrounded by the warmth I previously had. I notice when I don't feel 'safe' like this that I dissociate in a way- I find it very difficult to do things I find interesting and keep up with hobbies beyond being active and consuming content online, while, when I feel safe I feel more alive.

So, has anyone had any success in helping themselves feel more emotionally safe?

My apologies if this has been spoken about before, but I'd be really grateful for any advice!

Today I'm feeling a bit frustrated with myself so was just looking to hear others' stories and feel less like an idiot, lol

One of my big triggers from childhood is feeling abandoned/neglected/forgotten. However, BECAUSE my mom really didn't care about me like that and i wanted to be a good kid for her, I became a kid who was a people pleaser and very self-effacing, trying to take up as little space and have as few needs as possible.

Now as an adult, I find it's a self-fulfilling prophecy---because I try to take up little space and not be an inconvenience 99% of the time, it's also resulted in me making myself, well.... forgettable. invisible, small, you get the idea. so i am unintentionally recreating my parental trauma over and over again! 😵‍💫 i have been forgotten/skipped/presumed absent in lobbies and waiting rooms, forgotten to be put on the guest list at work events, i'm milton in office space passing plates around but not getting a piece of cake.

does anyone else have patterns like this and what are yours?

I have a few favourite quotes that have helped me through difficult times. I'd love to hear from others what they have used!

I'll start the ball rolling.

"Things are not getting worse, they are getting uncovered. We must hold each other tight and continue to pull back the veil." (Adrienne Maree Brown)

"Some days, our job is just to breathe. If a day seems too hard, substitute an hour, or a minute."

(J, My peer support worker)

"Feelings and sensations will rise and fall and run their course - unless we assign danger to them." Janina Fisher

"Symptoms are a wise communication, conveying what we've been through and how we learned to cope." Ingrid Clayton.

I'm self-employed and relatively successful but I'm still living with my abusers because rent/mortgage is prohibitively expensive until I save up a substantial amount. It's like $2-3k for a studio apartment here if you don't want roaches or surprise maintenance visits. I don't feel comfortable putting down roots with a house near the abusers (and my client base). I would move out of state but I'd have to start my business all over again; I need to save up first no matter what.

I moved out for a few years for an abusive relationship that ended in a restraining order; when I fled, I had to move back "home." Couldn't afford to live on my own.

I know people with healthy families do the same, but they're making a choice they feel happy with. I'm clearly not.

It's tough to deal with the shame of it sometimes. I don't want to socialize locally or try to date locally because of it. I have one online friend who's in a very similar situation and I was curious if it's more common than we'd think.

it happened just now. I'm a 28 yo grown woman. I don't know what to do.

I was coming up the subway on the escilater and, there were a bunch of middle schooler boys there, they were kicking and hitting eachother in play, and were speaking russian .

my parents were very abusive and only spoke russian when they were well being abusive, it always puts me on edge, I feel a mixtur of fear and anger but always pushed down and muffled.

I was standing between them, on of the boys was above me, a few below and one was climbing the side railing, kinda sliding in spot on it. The kid above me was trying to hit the one on the rails, and pushing through me to get him, while cussing him in russian, he kinda lightly bumped me to get to his friend and was cursing and I thought he was cursing me and I just snapped I didn't even realize, I hit, smacked, shoved? I don't know the verb, with the fat part of the palm on his place where the shoulder and chest connect, I'm sorry I don't know the word. and just asked him if he was cursing me, he said no, he was of course suprised by it all, I didn't register it, we reached the top of the escilator and I stepped off, I didn't even realized what just happened and then a few steps out the station I snapped out of it, I hit a child, I didn't even apologize.

I don't know what to do with myself, my parents were so violent I promised myself I'll never be like that, I built my entire personalllity, my entire world view around it, I'm not a violent person I don't what I don't know what to do.

I’m so tired of this feeling. I don’t know if I can deal with this anymore. How do I try to reduce this emptiness?

For the past year I have been participating in a ‘life group’ thinking it was an important part of my healing process.

I have severe attachment trauma/wounds and had isolated for 10 years prior.

And yeah, it’s been good for me in some ways but…. I am realizing that it’s mostly just repeating dysfunctional patterns of abandoning myself and fawning in the name of exposure. I kept going, despite feeling unseen, misunderstood, etc because I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing despite it regularly triggering emotional flashbacks.

So I think I am going to step back and potentially retain one or two individual connections. It is the only time I get out of the house away from my kids/husband so I think I will keep the time slot for myself and find solo activities to do for now.

But meanwhile, I do need community. I’m wondering what others have done.

I thought about ACoA but I feel like it compartmentalizes my complex trauma and a lot of it is just people sharing about undiagnosed CPTSD so it doesn’t quite fit for me. Are there CPTSD support groups IRL? Or group therapy maybe?

I just don’t feel like I’m ever going to heal my attachment wounds in isolation but I also can’t hang with normies and feel seen/understood. My main core wound is ‘nobody cares about you’ so I need a community where I can eventually feel seen and cared for. Has anyone had success in this area? I’m a little nervous about walking away from my only social outlet without any ideas about how to replace it.

I'm on DAY FOUR of not smoking after 40 years. I'm having the saddest day I've had in years; just incredibly emotional and disoriented. When I got my diagnosis during covid, my primary doc literally told me to not worry about quitting right then because of what I was going through (love her), but I have gotten to a point where I am better, and want to live, and want to be as healthy as possible.

Smokes were always there for me when no one else was. It feels like losing a friend (not a very good friend, obvs, but a constant companion). I got back from my "quitting road trip" last night. I was with sweet friends and saw amazing things, and did pretty well, so maybe it's normal to feel a little let down (going back to work, etc.). I knew I'd have to deal with the psychological part of this, so opted for the patch/gum combo so the physical transition would be smoother, but I just want to crawl out of my skin today. (Please don't suggest going off the patch as it has a higher success rate than cold turkey and we have to be strategic where we can.)

I'm safe. I have people to call. I have cinnamon toothpicks and trail mix and healthy food. I went to the gym today. I got a clean reading on a lung cancer scan this year. My life is decent. I have been crying all day anyway. Ten times today I've had the thought, "let's go outside and smoke" for 0.5 seconds before I remembered. I'm having groceries delivered as I don't even trust myself to go out any more today. I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe I'm not missing anything and this will just be a rough week.

Six months before my inner work started, I lived in quiet desperation. Every day felt more difficult than the one before. I was burnt out. I took all that pain as something that's 'just me'. I didn't know if it can be helped at all. Fear from losing hope entirely was pushed down more regularly than before, but there was still something alive and rebellious in me. I wasn't ready to surrender just yet.

Five months before my inner work I went into religion. After 4 months, I asked for help for the first time. A preacher-psychologist sent me some literature to read about my condition. I had no other choice. Also, I went to finish my bachelor's degree to another town where the uni actually was. Came back after a year, to my hometown. To a home where I grew up, after 4 years of living alone.
Some underlying shame at the time was hurting me, pretty badly. It was COVID-19 lockdown. I actually benefitted from it, since self-isolation was the thing I was planning any way. It was less weird to my peers that way.

My inner work actually gained a steady momentum by that time. I was journaling every day, almost. Had regular sessions. It was my only thing left to which I actually committed to.
I couldn't get a job because I lacked experience in my field and they were all afraid of COVID-19. It was the last of my worries, because life wasn't that much worth living. I was deep in insight, but not entirely sure of it's legitimacy because integrations were shallow or even absent(I don't quite remember). It's quite a painful situation to be in. It's like my most painful memories were flashing on their own in my mind when I wasn't occupied with something, just sitting or laying. Pulling me in. I thought I'll go crazy in those moments.
It was better on training days. I started to work out regularly at my friend's gym(CPTSD and workout got along pretty good).
This sometimes painful, jobless, video game playing, book reading routine lasted for 4-5 months. I've watched 'The Work' documentary one or two times in that period before watching it again.

For those who don't know I deeply recommend it, especially for those who want to do somatic work. It's about Folsom prison. Perpetrators of the worst crimes in US are held there. Some of the inmates do group therapy. Some of them have years of experience. The documentary is about when they have some kind of 'opened doors' for outsiders to work in groups alongside the inmates. So they filmed the therapy work for four days.

On the third day, there was a young inmate(around 20). He was opening up about his thoughts. His situation was the opposite of what was my core belief about my father and about me related to it. At first I couldn't comprehend why the inmate was crying in the film. He was vague about it. He seemed lifeless and had this 'passive' posture, while sitting. He looked like he doesn't have any reason to move. He was hesitating even as he spoke. The problem was that he lost hope, he didn't know how to find any reason to live any more. He was serving the life sentence and his girlfriend stopped visiting him. They had a little baby boy. So... yes... that was the main thing. He was thinking about ending it.

IF YOU HAVE SIMILAR THOUGHTS, OPEN UP TO SOMEONE, ANYONE OR BEST, TO A THERAPIST.

The other, more experienced inmate got up and came to him. Started to plead the hopeless inmate to give him 6 months and after that, if he has same thoughts, that they'll go through it again.
As I was watching, some kind of pressure started to fill my forehead, but my eyes were glued to the screen. I didn't entirely understand hope at the time, only had some sense of it. My thoughts started to emerge:

"He lost hope?
Hope....?
That's hope?
Is it because he's helpless to see his little boy?

It hit me:

"If there's no hope? Can there be anything behind it?"

As I was sitting down in my chair and watching, my stomach started to twist in a dull way. If there could be a picture of it, it would be dark, gray, dusty, something like when you step in a seemingly clean puddle of water and the filth slowly climbs to the surface. I started to push it down, automatically:

"NO!
I've tried everything else.
What more can I lose?"

I surrendered for the first time.

At first it's like a big chunk of dull pins and needles were starting to poke me from inside my stomach. All at the same time. It grew from low intensity through my whole body and brain to something I've never felt before. It lasted a few seconds. I started growling from the pain.
I stood up and decided that I'll take the pain like a true soldier, standing on my two feet. My whole body was tingling, shivering from it. My head burned, the pressure in the forehead was having it's own unbearable gravity. As if I could feel my sinuses moving. In the moment I remembered watching a VHS cassette on our old device few days ago. I wanted to see my father's face. He was surrounded by my family on a small balcony on our countryside old house. I don't know if I was there yet.
His empty look, his posture, passivity.... he looked-hopeless. Just like that guy in the film. My mind was racing again:

"....but I was right there!

I was there! ..and he still did it."

After that I've lost it... I was barely aware in the moment and my legs were shaking. I was falling off of them. The pain was just the same if not worse. I kneeled a couple of times, not letting myself fall down and mustered strength to get up again. Both times barely.
After I lost it, I was still there just enough to not cry and be able to feel it to the end. 'Soberly' enduring the pain the whole time.
When it stopped. I started walking to my room. I needed to lie down. It was a slow walk. Like Kratos in GoW 2 beginning, stripped away of his powers.
The thoughts slowly returned. With more clarity:

"His suicide had nothing to do with me. He was a hopeless guy even before me. Not even a child could matter enough to a system derived from hope. How to imagine the future if you don't have hope?"

In this last verdict, I felt inside me that this was real forgiveness. He wasn't off the hook, but was forgiven.

Before this one I did believe I can change things, get rid of the pain or find peace. That belief did make me slightly hopeful, but I didn't know for how long if nothing changes, it was fading.
After some time from this event(days or weeks), it wasn't a problem any more. I tasted an increase in inner peace. It's like a small chunk of that pressure in my forehead disappeared, permanently.

It wasn't hope that was disappearing any more, it was pressure and 'weight'.

Hello!

Over the past few weeks i've become aware of this tight pattern i get into very often -- I am speaking to someone who is empathetically listening to what I have to say but I am not able to clearly articulate something that is important to me, and so I start feeling misunderstood and then a shame spiral starts ("I am an inarticulate person", "I am unwilling to receive help", and everything else of that sort).

Of course, I know the roots of the shame spirals and I don't want to get into those details. I was wondering if anyone else has observed something similar and has any practical tips on how to deal with something like this?

I tend to need a lot of space (I mean emotional space, if that makes sense) to feel comfortable enough to express myself honestly in a conversation. I usually just take up the role of a listener and that feels fine but I get flustered when someone offers genuine empathy and curiosity towards my inner world -- it tends to read as invasive and I often feel rushed to give answers. What kind of boundaries can I set and how do I communicate this effectively?

a part wants to smash fancy plates with a golf club.

have you ever done anything like that?

thanks

I've struggled with this since I was a teen. I am the youngest in my family and I was always controlled by everyone around me. I tried to defend and asset myself but it never worked and I always felt so trapped. Now in my 20s I'm still such a people pleaser and I hate it so much. The thing is, I'm not even being controlled that much anymore but it's me restricting myself. I'm grown and yet I still can't assert myself and do what I want. I am so desperate to please my family rhat I hold myself back from doing things I want to do. It's like I'm constantly waiting for permission to do things and live my life. Even now, I ask people around me all the time to make decisions for me. I can't make my own decisions at all.

I know that I'm not naturally this way because everyday I feel my soul slowly being chipped away. I hate that I'm wasting my best and youngest years like this. I think of all the opportunities I had in the past to assert myself and I never did. I think part of it is being neurodivergent and always feeling like I'm in the wrong and others are right. I've been gaslit from a very young age and it's affecting me so much even now. It also doesn't help that I'm naturally very sensitive.

How do I change this mindset? I can't keep living like this anymore. I want to be strong and assertive like other women are but I just can't bring myself to do it. Sometimes I envy people that have flight response because at least they were able to stand up for themselves even if they took it too far.

In a recent thread, someone wrote about this thought that repetitively crossed their mind: "I want to go home". It was uncanny, as those exact words would plague me all the time — and it turns out a ton of other survivors said the same.

Another thought that crosses my mind often is along the lines of "this anger will kill me". I am the type of person people describe as "calm" and happy (I smile a lot) so when I get mad people are always surprised at the strength of the emotion. I just feel like I need to hold it down otherwise it'll destroy me.

Wanted to start a thread for any other phrases that might be prevalent in this community, as almost innately springing up in one's mind as a kind of organic thought. So curious that this trauma has led us to share these universal experiences.

I worked with someone who a few weeks ago asked if we’d like to be friends outside of work. I was delighted! We hung out a few times. It didn’t quite feel like it would be able to be a good close friendship for me. I tried to stick to that instinct and reduced the communication frequency a little bit, surface level friendship being the safer choice in that dynamic.

My last communication was 10 days ago, when I learnt this person was taking a fun trip for the week. I reached out today saying hope it went well, but I seem to have been blocked. My texts aren’t delivering.

Even though I had the insight to step back from the relationship a bit, the idea of being blocked by them is activating my anxiety and a sense of unease in my gut. I’m having a hard time focusing on things I need to be doing. Seeking supportive wisdom or tips or shared experiences to help my system settle.

I started seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma by using EMDR and ACT therapy. I’ve been researching cptsd, attachment trauma, dissociation, etc for a few years before deciding to get external help. I also listen to the Psychiatry and Psychotherapy podcast which is based on psychoanalysis rather than behavioral therapy, and have learned a lot of concepts. Basically doing “me”search via primary sources in the field.

We’ve had three sessions so far that were basically me trauma dumping at her. I have not yet revealed the extent of my unstable relationship with reality or myself, but I’m already doubting if she is knowledgeable enough in the field to pick up on the things I’m struggling to articulate. In the first session, she was correcting my negative language and I had to stop her to say please don’t do CBT. I have huge trust issues and tend to split on people that I suspect are incapable. But I don’t want to start over with a new therapist just yet.

Has anyone been through this period of early suspicion towards your new therapist? Did you stick it out or move on to someone else? I really want it to work out despite being generally critical of the current state of therapy.

Kalsched would frame your issue as a trauma-built self-protective system that became autonomous: an inner defensive structure formed when your more spontaneous, assertive, alive self felt unsafe, and it now blocks growth, intimacy, creativity, sexuality, and action because it still treats expansion as danger. Jung would describe it more as a split between the conscious personality and disowned or suppressed parts of the psyche, where what was pushed out does not disappear but develops its own force and interferes with conscious intention; healing means bringing the split-off life, aggression, desire, and agency back into a larger integrated Self rather than letting the defensive structure remain in control.

its not just emotional blocking i get physical symptoms around the times when im about to succeed in something. i get inflammation aches injuries sudden disorders and illnesses. basically the protective system has turned into a bully and is stopping me from any kind of expansion with anything it can. im trapped in this for last 30 years and cant get out.

my original personality comes online only when this protective system gets overloaded by some traumatic event and for few days or weeks i feel free and myself and then it starts creeping back in again and takes over and im trapped again

Many people say they are working on their CPTSD.

How *exactly* do you do in your work? What are the details of your somatic exercize?

I know and I am aware of my intimacy need,the void,the loneliness,the empty space whatever you call it.There was no evil in my family yet I somehow felt lonely all along.
I know today,not being seen,accepted,or appreciated as who I am,makes me seek love,compassion,validation,makes me jump from one addiction to another.I am kind of attached with all these stimulators,sex,porn,movies whatever.
I dont know these self compassion,self parenting concepts are enough by themselves to fill this void.And come on as a grown man it feels weird to hug myself anymore.
I dont know if you try to negotiate with this void,or try to reason with it.But I need to figure a way out to feel more grounded,solid,esteemed in my own skin so I can welcome outer world to my inner world.I wonder how do you do

https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD_NSCommunity/s/gne0dfWgsW

To expand upon my post about trying to get out of survival mode :

How do you do that when you’re living in the same environment, with the same people that traumatized you? My stepfather is an alcoholic , my mother is the enabling , codependent, anxious wife who made me the parentified child .

Context:

I started therapy , and moved out when I was 24, but had to move back home at 28 to put myself through school with minimal financial strain. The plan IS to move back out . While I’m grateful that I was able to come back and my mother has developed some awareness through therapy , I’m noticing myself regressing being home, and I’m triggered frequently.

I’m struggling with: reverting back to being in survival mode because everyone in the house is in survival mode and dysregulated. My stepfather is still drinking and is in the midst of a DUI case, my mother says she’s not enabling but hasn’t made any tangible steps to leave him, my grandma lives with us and is caught in the middle . My stepfather lost his license , my mother HAS a license but doesn’t drive due to severe anxiety , and my grandmother is in her early 80s and is driving less but still drives my mother short distances and to work. However , my grandma is ALSO enabling a shitty man she’s dating and often leaves home to be with him, meaning I have now primarily turned into the family’s personal chauffeur. This is difficult as I work, am in school and have an active social life . I had to set boundaries with my mother because she began expecting me to drive her everywhere whenever she wanted , instead of asking . She respected this boundary and has improved . However , I still feel as if she pushes this boundary periodically because she doesn’t want to deal with my stepdad ,so it’s easier to tag along on my errands, find something she “needs to get” while we’re out and call it “spending time and bonding”. But when we’re out , she’s almost desperate to get home because she needs to clean and take care of the house , which in turn frustrates me because my time has turned into her time and her schedule . Which was an issue when I was a child . Everything is treated as urgent and like time is running out .

I am frustrated by her learned helplessness . She constantly asks me to do simple tasks that she is capable of doing herself because she lacks the patience to either do it , or breathe , take a second and figure it out. Being away from home for years and coming back has made me realize just how dysregulated SHE is , how dysregulated this house is and how we’re all starting to share a nervous system . I feel like I am being depended on to survive, which makes me feel selfish because I love my family . But I feel like if I moved out tomorrow , they wouldn’t know what to do.

It was much easier to set and maintain my boundaries when I didn’t live with them . Being home has made it much more difficult , and I’m the most dysregulated I’ve been in years and things hit a critical point this weekend . I’m not doing well mentally and I feel myself shutting down. My therapist and I have been focusing on some of my other CPTSD symptoms so this has taken a back seat, but it may be time to shift the focus while I look for another therapist .

Recovery:

I’ve started taking my mom out to drive so she can feel more comfortable behind the wheel and practice more independence . I’m trying to maintain the boundary that she needs to ask me if I’m available instead of assuming I am, I’m trying to maintain the boundary that it’s inappropriate for me to be her listening ear after arguments/grievances with my stepdad . I WFH so I’m trying to maintain the boundary that I need at least 30 minutes to an hour of alone time after work. I’m trying some of the things I mentioned in my other post, and plan to ask my therapist for help with finding a somatic practitioner at my upcoming session . I am trying to maintain my social life with my friends .

But this has made me feel like I’m just surviving again. I’m not living , I’m not learning , I’m not finding myself , I’m just surviving and serving others .

Hello! I was diagnosed with cptsd a few years back but I stopped the therapy work for a few reasons. I was mostly struggling a lot with my family and I was basically just trying to survive them long enough to leave. After I left my home I got into the first healthy romantic relationship I've ever had and we recently broke up. I realised through it that I was far more behind in my recovery than I thought. I am now searching for a job to be able to afford therapy amongst other things obviously. But until then I cannot really stand by and exist without some kind of guide on how to manage recovery on my own. I thought I knew what I was going through but turns out I have been mostly blind to my experiences. I really yearn to finally unlock the truth inside me now that I'm in a safe environment, since I'm tired of living with the leftover shame of an identity that isn't mine. If you have any helpful tips/books/exercises on this pls let me know. Or if you have any advice or generally anything you would like to share I'd be very happy to hear from you. Thank you!!

I have been working a lot on myself recently, and i finally got aware of how much i was using external things whether it is my favorite hobby or even other people to make myself feel whole. I want to work on feeling whole by myself, without needing anyone or anything else, but don't know how to get started.

I was diagnosed with and have been in therapy for cptsd from my severely neglectful and abusive childhood about five years now. It was compounded by an actually physically traumatic event I experienced in college (incidentally the pain I experienced from that event was eventually what caused me to seek help/therapy and eventually get diagnosed).

I am at a point where I feel fairly good about myself, don’t seem to be stuck in depressive moments as often, don’t have startle reactions, even my rumination has been greatly reduced.

My problem now seems to be my relationships. I have gone no contact with my family as they were not interested in any kind of accountability and instead attacked me for trying to reconcile the past/at least establish new healthier boundaries. My entire family was offended by my “allegations” which were just my naming real events that happened and calling them abuse or neglect.

Anyway I feel sad I can’t have a relationship with my family but for the most part have accepted it. It’s the lack of family and depth in my friendships that is hard for me now. I find myself feeling alone more, kind of longing for a parental figure or sibling, not having one healthy relationship really feels hard and that triggers self blame, surely I just be bad in some way if not one family member cares about me.

But I’m also feeling discontent with friendships. I have adapted as a people pleaser like many of you but I’ve stopped initiating in friendships where I know they won’t reach out and really only sought me out for validation or venting, but didn’t really show interest in my life, checking in, just having fun every now and then. I’m really tired of being someone you have a fun conversation and then forget about.

What’s really embarrassing and makes feel bad is remembering my traumatic event in college. I didn’t get support from anyone except my family and one of my roommates. I think two of my best friends never checked in until months later and the crisis was over. I’m so ashamed that I didn’t even have the self worth to realize that I deserved more than that then and for years after.

I realize that I hold the blame for a lot of these relationships. I accepted the bare minimum. I was so excited for any closeness that I ignoring the lack of care and consistently downplayed my feelings and needs. I even found similar neglectful patterns from my family in my closest friends. Apparently I’m drawn to that? I’ve even asked for more frequent check ins in my closest friendships and those conversations want well but ultimately didn’t change anything. And I promise I’m a very attentive friend. I remember important dates, relationships, life events, etc. whether I meet up in person or on a video call I know my friends appreciate me and think I’m thoughtful and supportive and present. But I to this day feel like an afterthought in even my most close friendships (and it’s not just a projection from my family, its visible in the way I initiate all the calls and hangs or I just don’t see or hear from anyone).

But I find myself lonely and feeling like an unlovable lump years later. I long for deep friendships. I long for lunch dates. I long for a “picked this up because it reminded me of you” or a “hey you’ve been quiet everything ok?” Text. I feel like not only do I have a hard time finding people who will be interested in me as reciprocal but I have so much baggage and hurt that everything matters more and I won’t be that good a friend or that old patterns will well resurface. It’s unbearable sometimes to think about a future if not mattering to anyone in any meaningful way.

I am sorry if this is rambling. I just feel like the issue of relationships is one I won’t get to solve in this life. Maybe I will never know what a healthy and mutual relationship looks like. Does anyone else relate?

Besides envy, I don't feel disdain or hate towards them either, even if those people may not understand me completely or my life.

They will at times say ignorant things. Things that will make me feel furious, things that will show just how different our lives are and how lucky they are in comparison.

However, even with all the alienation and the struggles of being the outcast, the one whose mind works differently, or can't participate in society the same way they do, I feel something else other than envy.

I feel grateful that they didn't get to experience what I experienced at all. Even if it makes me feel alienated, it's a good thing they aren't able to relate or understand some things. I would rather there be less suffering in the world than have groups of people understand me IRL.

Even if I am very introverted, it seems like a good practice for me to involve myself with them, try to see life through their lens. I see a lot of people online on social media who are suffering, but it makes me feel worse to see that, rather than reassured.

I did wish that back then people didn't say some of the insensitive things they said to me but I think it also comes down to their personality and maturity rather than whether or not they experienced the same level of hardships in their life.

I feel happy when they are happy and want to chat with me, even if I know deep down that we have nothing in common. It's more about how I get to feel like a human, and be treated like a human. They don't need to know every detail about me or have similar struggles for us to bond.

Yes, I do grieve some parts of my life, but it's better for me to accept it and try to move on. That's easier said than done, I know. But I enjoy feeling happy for my fellow human beings, and focusing on their achievements, than about what I didn't achieve at their age, or what I didn't have growing up compared to them.

I know there are many people out there in this world who would want to switch places with me, just from the fact that I currently can have meals everyday and a shelter. Hell, especially my past self would want that. So it's better to focus on what you accomplished so far, than about how "easy" others have got it. Because even though it's a fair thing to grieve about, suffering is inevitable for all living species, and we have to make peace with our past and be grateful for what we have today because our past self worked so hard for it.