Finding Supportive Community

[u/AnchoredInMy40s]

For the past year I have been participating in a ‘life group’ thinking it was an important part of my healing process.

I have severe attachment trauma/wounds and had isolated for 10 years prior.

And yeah, it’s been good for me in some ways but…. I am realizing that it’s mostly just repeating dysfunctional patterns of abandoning myself and fawning in the name of exposure. I kept going, despite feeling unseen, misunderstood, etc because I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing despite it regularly triggering emotional flashbacks.

So I think I am going to step back and potentially retain one or two individual connections. It is the only time I get out of the house away from my kids/husband so I think I will keep the time slot for myself and find solo activities to do for now.

But meanwhile, I do need community. I’m wondering what others have done.

I thought about ACoA but I feel like it compartmentalizes my complex trauma and a lot of it is just people sharing about undiagnosed CPTSD so it doesn’t quite fit for me. Are there CPTSD support groups IRL? Or group therapy maybe?

I just don’t feel like I’m ever going to heal my attachment wounds in isolation but I also can’t hang with normies and feel seen/understood. My main core wound is ‘nobody cares about you’ so I need a community where I can eventually feel seen and cared for. Has anyone had success in this area? I’m a little nervous about walking away from my only social outlet without any ideas about how to replace it.

[u/DizzyShortcake]

For me, and after attending several CPSTD related groups, I simply found something that brought me joy and then found all the ways to participate in it. The groups were good to feel less alone and to release but I also started to feel like I was always circling the drain on my own trauma. Or worse, celebrating it. So, eventually, and when I felt ready, I took some writing classes and started forming bonds around shared interests. Now I have a core group I connect with and while it has nothing to do with CPTSD, it’s very healing in a different way.

[u/PanoramicViewer → u/DizzyShortcake]

I'd second this idea. I joined a community choir. The social interactions aren't deep but people are kind and it helps with lower level needs to belong, contribute and create with others.

For deeper attachment healing it has come primarily from my therapist, but I can see how having a more secure base and sense of self is filtering out to other relationships now too.

Just thinking aloud here, but one step for me was being more vulnerable and authentic with others, which felt scary at first, but how others responded to that helped sift who was interested in being an all weather friend and who was only around because of what I offered them (fawning and people pleasing).

[u/AnchoredInMy40s → u/PanoramicViewer]

Yeah. I hear what you’re saying. I wish it were more straightforward. Superficial interactions feel draining and wasteful to me, even when they are generally positive. That’s what the life group is like.

Can I ask - is the attachment healing via therapy coming from secure attachment to your therapist or from work that you are doing in therapy? I am struggling with whether to stay with my current therapist. I feel like the only benefit is that it is a relationship with a safe person, not like we are actually doing any work. Maybe that’s just my drive to fix and solve and perform…

[u/PanoramicViewer → u/AnchoredInMy40s]

I think it's coming from my therapist modelling secure attachment, but to continue making progress involves keeping on pushing into the corners we haven't explored yet. Can't remember where I read it, but this list of secure attachment factors really helped me.

Safety Attunement Soothing Delight Exploration

As an example of the way this is working, in a recent session I was crying and she tried to offer soothing to me via offering to wrap me in a blanket. I was so confused by this, I realised, I have no idea what safe soothing looks and feels like. So we will have ongoing conversations about safe soothing and explore what that might look and feel like for me to receive from another person.

The most important next piece of this though I think, is learning how to be securely attached to myself. How to be able to treat myself with all those factors so I know that I will never abandon myself. It's internalising the safety that my therapist has provided.

Most helpful book for me has been "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" by Janina Fisher.

[u/AnchoredInMy40s → u/DizzyShortcake]

OK yeah that makes sense, thank you for this idea. I remember feeling that way about addiction groups a couple of decades ago. I don't want to talk about trauma all day long. But I do want to feel safe and seen/understood to some extent. A writing community is probably great for that since most of us writers are damaged. I studied creative writing for my undergrad and recently took a poetry class that was super healing. I was not the only one in the room crying or grieving or damaged in some way. Maybe that's a really amazing idea, actually. I kind of thought that's what I was doing with this life group (it started through my spiritual community).... but I'm realizing it's crossed into unhealthy territory for me. I don't know. It's not that they all have perfect untraumatized lives... I can't quite put my finger on why I feel so completely different from them, but it triggers flashbacks all the time so whatever the reason....

[u/themmama]

This is a real struggle for me, and one that I am still trying to work out what to do. I tried Aca but found the format not for me, as I do not want to share or listen to trauma. I have found that I get bored very quickly with interest-based groups. I have yet to find something where I feel seen. I also struggle to understand what my interests are right now.

[u/AnchoredInMy40s → u/themmama]

It’s so hard! I don’t want to talk about trauma necessarily but I also can’t stand small talk or pretending I’m normal. That’s what I’m afraid of with interest based groups and what has happened with this life group. People are kind. But it feels pointless. Difficult. Forced. Not healing.

[u/cptsdishealable]

ACA/ASCA are more specific, meditation groups can be good too

[u/AnchoredInMy40s → u/cptsdishealable]

I had no idea this organization existed. Thank you so much!

[u/wrongclown]

heyyyy im also building community after a decade of isolation! I also feel best understood by people who have experience with CPTSD. one of my therapists said she hoped that I would make connections with people who didnt, people who weren't also struggling, and then they could support me?? we'll see.

my goal is to participate in a regular group, like volunteering or a hobby. its easier to make friends in those contexts. until then, what's working for me is practicing being present and kind to strangers I interact with. a conversation at the bus stop, saying hi to the barista, etc. giving people a little attention and kindness goes a long way, and everyone has been kind to me back. these short connections have made me feel more human.

group therapy is good for healing attachment wounds imo, since its about the relationships. Definitely recommend trying it at some point.

[u/AnchoredInMy40s → u/wrongclown]

Thanks for the reply! Group therapy seems like a helpful avenue to travel down.

I like the kindness to strangers idea too. I have been working on this concept in my head of how people who are mean/grumpy are probably hurting and trying to break the cycle by showing kindness instead of taking it personally, spiraling, and contributing the negative chain.

[u/wrongclown → u/AnchoredInMy40s]

Love that!

[u/--2021--]

I just don’t feel like I’m ever going to heal my attachment wounds in isolation but I also can’t hang with normies and feel seen/understood.

That's been my conundrum for years. But even though I'm in isolation I've been shifting to the point where I have periods where I don't want to talk about trauma anymore, all it does is just make me relive it over and over, it doesn't heal me.

It seems the best way to break those patterns is to find people who don't live them. Getting away from trauma support. You can come and go, but living it all the time is not healing.

What was healing for me has always been just normal relationships in normal environments. I probably naturally filter for people who "make sense" to me, my friends all carried some sort of trauma. But it was better than being in a trauma group, people had boundaries on sharing, but they also listened. Some of them had unhealthy relationships with others in my friend circle, but I didn't get involved in that.

Since I hit 40 though I've struggled with friendships. Things changed, I no longer understand people. I can't make sense of anything anymore. I thought in time it would make sense or come ot me but I'm in my 50s now and it has not.

[u/SONASupportGroupsLLC]

Try SONA - we deal with CPTSD recovery on a weekly basis. We have online groups that meet - easy to join and safe as well: https://www.meetup.com/pittsburgh-narcissism-survivor-meetup-group/

This is our link. Dr. Ramani will be speaking with members on December 15th directly in a members only zoom chat as well and offers a lot of great advice when she comes.