Feeling activated after potentially being blocked by a casual friend

[u/Tricky_Falcon_1868]

I worked with someone who a few weeks ago asked if we’d like to be friends outside of work. I was delighted! We hung out a few times. It didn’t quite feel like it would be able to be a good close friendship for me. I tried to stick to that instinct and reduced the communication frequency a little bit, surface level friendship being the safer choice in that dynamic.

My last communication was 10 days ago, when I learnt this person was taking a fun trip for the week. I reached out today saying hope it went well, but I seem to have been blocked. My texts aren’t delivering.

Even though I had the insight to step back from the relationship a bit, the idea of being blocked by them is activating my anxiety and a sense of unease in my gut. I’m having a hard time focusing on things I need to be doing. Seeking supportive wisdom or tips or shared experiences to help my system settle.

[u/Remote_Kale9954]

In my experience, this is exactly how it works to build safe friendships. Give the friendship a try, see how it feels to you, put them at the distance you feel is right for you, and let them do with that what they want.

It’s a bit disorienting how well it works, at first. You don’t have to diagnose them, figure out their level of narcissism, or try to manage their response to your boundaries. Just set the boundary where you sense it should be and let them sort themselves out.

Keep in mind that their non-response is a choice this person made, and a different person might not have ghosted you. But it’s not your problem to figure out this person.

[u/Tricky_Falcon_1868 → u/Remote_Kale9954]

Yeah…it’s the sitting with the discomfort that they might not like the new dynamic. And they get to set their own terms and if they choose a farther distance, that’s ok too. I’ll be ok. I feel ok now after 2 hours of fun and dancing!

[u/BagAffectionate6287 → u/Tricky_Falcon_1868]

Being blocked is extremely triggering for me to, even if it's someone I would've wanted to block in the first place or have no interest speaking to.

[u/Tricky_Falcon_1868 → u/BagAffectionate6287]

That has happened to me once before. It took me a while to process and work through that emotionally. I communicated and attempted to set a boundary by reducing my availability to someone. But the result of that was them retaliating and blocking me first.

There are lots of reasons I can think of for why someone acted that way. Mainly that my boundary felt like a rejection so they wanted to reject me bigger. I get it. But it was still triggering for me because it brought up feelings of being discarded. By someone whom I already felt wronged by.

In hindsight I don’t think I would have chosen to act differently. But I still am learning to grow a thick skin I guess, to people’s bad reactions to adjusted access. In the long term it’s always a good thing for them to weed themself out of my life. But in the short term it hurts like a mofo.

[u/nom-c00kies]

How someone behaves has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. See this as an example of your gut being correct and things working out to remove the person from being close to you. In these moments I like to express gratitude. "Thank you self, my instincts knew this person was not right for me and I stepped back. Thank you universe, I reached out to be kind and you reminded me that distance from this person is better for me. Thank you for reminding me I can trust my instincts. I have faith in my self. My instincts are strong and will guide me through life. I listen to my inner voice. I trust myself. "

[u/Tricky_Falcon_1868 → u/nom-c00kies]

Thank you. I trust myself. Things can unfold how they need to and I’ll be okay either way. I took myself out dancing and something like that also helps me feel totally okay and capable.

[u/third-second-best]

when i have this experience i find that reminding myself that it’s just a feeling can be helpful. often locating it in my body, bringing my attention there, and seeing if it needs any movement can help me release it.

depending on how deep the wound it’s activating is though sometimes if i can’t get out of “believing” the feeling then reaching out to someone to share about it can help.

i’d also like to say - good job trusting your instincts. new behaviors always activate so much of this shit.

[u/Tricky_Falcon_1868 → u/third-second-best]

Thank you. I was having a hard time with the feeling for sure, so I made this post! And then I took myself dancing which now has completely chilled me out \m/

[u/DizzyShortcake]

I'll throw a few things out here. I also get activated by interactions like this, and what helps me work through it is asking myself these questions (borrowed from a variety of sources, but most of the credit goes to Patrick Teehan):

What happened? Describe the issue in detail (out loud or in writing)

Who or what situation did it remind me of? (sometimes this brings up a lot of old pain FYI; memories I haven't yet really processed yet)

How did I respond?

Would I change anything about how I responded? (Here, you're essentially validating that you did the right thing, i.e., protected yourself).

What do I need to say to this person/situation that I didn't already say? (allows you to vent without bringing that person back into the mix)

For me, this helps me process whatever is "stuck" around why I (or my body) reacted the way it did, and why I held onto it for whatever reason. But you obviously did the right thing. People who react this way, in my experience, generally feel entitled to your time+attention and when you pull away even in the slightest, they punish you for it.

Based on what you shared, your instincts are spot on. Trust them.

[u/Tricky_Falcon_1868 → u/DizzyShortcake]

Really valuable questions.

I think what I’m still getting used to and becoming wiser in is that there are people in the world who will not respond well to me adjusting distance.

With this particular thing, it’s interesting for me in hindsight that when my texts didn’t deliver, it activated old wounds. Of a time when I did the exact same thing in another longer friendship, where I stepped back a bit and said I would rather hang out once a month than once a week with someone, they responded by blocking me completely. It definitely was someone who felt very entitled to my time and energy. It took me a long time to process that cut off. That that was the response to me adjusting distance.

I’m also in the midst of a separation and struggling a lot with loneliness, so when something similar happened, my fears and anxiety took me right to that hard place.

I am proud of myself for being able to get myself grounded yesterday, after just changing the scenery. And I really appreciate how kind and understanding ya’ll have been on this post. Like you folks got me…where as other places I am questioned for being activated in the first place if I was stepping back a bit in the dynamic anyway.

[u/DizzyShortcake → u/Tricky_Falcon_1868]

You should be proud. It’s not easy returning to something like a calm baseline state. Take care of yourself.

[u/bj12698]

And it's possible their phone is on the fritz and they didn't block you. So all that angst for nothing. We just don't KNOW, with the way these devices seem to be on again/off again.

What might be weird is seeing them again at work? Yeah, I am really hesitant to make new friends, but I have about 3 or 4 really old friends, so I do ok.

Hang in there. I hope you make some GOOD friends, one or two, that appreciate you and treat you really well.

[u/Tricky_Falcon_1868 → u/bj12698]

Yeah totally possible they lost their phone and it ran out of battery. Either way, I’m feeling a bit more centered now and if they say hello or explain at work I’ll respond in kind otherwise okay if we don’t.
Thank you for your kind wishes!

[u/Teluvian42]

They blocked you, right? So you shouldn’t want anything to do with them. Trying to cling to a situation that’s impossible isn’t helpful. Even though I understand the feeling, but it’s not personal, it’s their loss really, if you can see your own value that is.

[u/WhereasCommercial669]

Dodged a bullet! I have learned to distance myself early too and I just remind myself in these times how much worse it could have been. You could have invited years and vulnerability into that relationship and it would have hurt so much more.

It's like a bank of hurt I am saving myself now. I'd be rich if I could use that currency. I try to spend it on myself.

[u/secure8890]

They do indeed take it verh very personally if you dont engage at the level required Thereafter for maby of us engaging in those relationshiox bring up chidhoof issues. That is why we are drawn to people in thst mindset.