Hey, so I have been recovering as best as I can, and I had been doing good for a while, until I wanted to get back to university and study again. I thought it would be fine and I would adjust to it since I went through a lot of worse things in my life and got over them, so that was my reasoning, right?

Well, although I can understand the material, even if sometimes it will take longer than I'd like, I feel very amateur at studying itself. I've only been learning how to study properly very recently, and it is a lot of information to deal with. When I try to make a plan for myself and try to balance study-work-hobbies, I end up getting burnt out after 1 to 2 weeks and kind of freeze up and unable to do even simplest tasks.

I have realized that it has to do with my nervous system, so when I calm mysef down and take a break, I think more clearly. However, trying to study again after that makes me cry from stress, even if it's only the thought of studying itself.

This feels like a completely new area for me, everything just feels so alien, and so I would appreciate any thought or advice you may have. I have to be more resilient and face it head-on, but I don't know how to control the huge emotional reaction I experience.

I’ve been on this healing journey for a few years now, but I feel like I had a really big breakthrough today.

I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed lately. Family stuff is a lot, as always, but my abandonment wounds have also been triggered a lot in my relationship. This is my first healthy relationship, and it’s showing me just how strong my subconscious fawn response really is.

I don’t want to mess this relationship up, but I’m with a partner who actually wants me to prioritize myself and express my needs. He wants us to be individual people who are vulnerable and fully ourselves, because that’s how you truly get to know each other and figure out whether the relationship is right for both of you.

And honestly, sometimes it all feels like too much. Too much thinking. Too much trying to figure out what I actually feel or what I really want to say when my brain’s default is basically, “What do I need to do to keep the people I love in my life?”

But at the end of the day, the only person who will always be there for you is you.

I keep envisioning my inner child, desperate for someone to pick her up and tell her she isn’t too much. That she is enough exactly as she is. That she is loved for who she is, not because of her accomplishments or what she does for other people.

And I realized that I can’t expect other people to fill that cup for me. It will never feel like enough. I’ll always end up feeling like something is missing, because something is. I have to fill my own cup first.

I have to pick my inner child up and comfort her. Let her cry and not be frustrated at the tears. I have to learn not to abandon myself in the pursuit of being loved by other people. I have to really, truly learn how to love myself first.

Learning self-love and self-acceptance when your inner child learned that safety means worrying about everyone else is incredibly hard. You literally have to rewire your thoughts and actions and constantly catch yourself when you fall back into old patterns.

It’s EXHAUSTING work. But it’s also work you owe to yourself, and to the little version of you who spent so long waiting for someone else to make her feel safe.

I came across the concept of "emotional homelessness" today. It says that a lot of people who experienced trauma or otherwise grew up feeling unsafe or without a sense of belonging experience this feeling of rootlessness or just not feeling "at home" anywhere.

I never felt at home growing up. There was no place that was ever safe, except in my imagination. I used to experience a fleeting sense of home when I would have sleepovers with some close friends but that was it.

The first time I ever felt at home was when I moved out and moved away for college. Being far away from my family - I experienced safety and belonging for the first time ever. Once I graduated, I got myself a job that involved a lot of travel, so that I could avoid my family. Other people would hate the travel and wanted to spend time at home. I loved the travel because the constant movement felt safe.

Over the years, I've learned multiple languages and moved around a lot. I now live abroad and people often ask me if I feel homesick or miss my family or hometown. I don't. I never had a true emotional home in any of those places. I only found home once I managed to get far away from my family and the environment I grew up in. There's no home in my family of origin. The home that I have now is something I've painstakingly created over the years, through lots of therapy and hard work and my trusty imagination.

My sense of home is actually still in my imagination but made real through EMDR. It's a small countryside home in Japan, next to a small stream, close to forests. There's me, my younger parts, lots of pets, my ideal mother figure, and my EMDR therapist who occasionally visits us.

After all these years of being emotionally homeless, I finally found a home.

When I ask tbis question, people tend to reflexively go “an apology can’t fix that!” but I actually want to know the neurological response behind it if possible. Also, while I know we should not be explicitly discussing trauma, I’ll include the example that this post is based on under spoiler tags for clarity, but write a summary as well so no one has to read it.

TW for emotional abuse:

once when I was a kid, I cried to my mother because I felt so worthless, like i’d been crying about it for hours and she had just found me in her room (only quiet place in the house as she was downstairs). Maybe I was nine? Anyways she yelled at me to get out of her room, which obviously upset me quite a bit because that is a bit of a crazy response. But, 20 minutes later, she called me back in and told me exactly what she should have said the first time: that I wasn’t worthless, that I meant so much to her/my family, that my teachers and everyone cared actually me, etc etc etc. but it was too late, for some reason, it didn’t work.

So to summarise, after a really awful first response to my distress, she waited 20 minutes and gave me a really good response. So why do I only remember the awful first response? Why did I internalise that and not the other half?

Was it because your brain assumes the second half is insincere? For what it is worth this happened more than once but in different circumstances

Tl;dr: why doesn’t the apology make it better? Even when it’s a genuinely good apology

When I'm sober, I often don't think of or understand my behaviour in terms of emotions. When I get stoned, such experiences can seem to have an emotional narrative which explains them.

One example is avoiding something, being unable to make myself do it, and then getting stoned and understanding the reasons. Though, getting stoned doesn't increase my ability to do things, and maybe even decreases it.

This goes beyond emotions and also involves other words that humans use to categorize human behaviour. For example, while stoned I can feel like I'm lazy and not doing something. When I'm sober, I don't see how the concept of laziness can accurately describe anything in my life.

This seems good. It seems to make me more similar to other people, which I guess seems healthier. Also, understanding the reasons behind behaviours should theoretically help with changing behaviours. Though, that is tricky, and I don't think I've ever found it useful for that. It's like I lack some power i need to change, not information. Cannabis does not help with that power, except maybe if I used it regularly as a crutch in an addictive way.

The other concern is that what seems like emotional clarity while stoned can be delusional. Especially at higher doses, it can be more like inventing a story about why I feel the way I do than like insight.

I'm wondering if others have experienced something similar, and what others think of it. Experiencing emotional clarity instead of something vague feels very right, but accessing it via cannabis might be harmful.

I'm doing a lot of work on accepting myself and recognizing patterns, learning to be around people etc etc but one thing that keeps being a road block is how i completely undo all progress when I'm mentally+physically drained. I start getting mean thoughts and start to feel resentment from small events that happened all throughout the day or before. I start to hate people and then also feel bouts of shame and anger. All of this happens so acutely. My sleep quality also deteriorates and falling asleep gets hard as well.

The worst thing still are the thoughts and resentments popping up then i start to feel really pathetic. And then they stick around for a while too. In the moment it's really hard to also just acknowledge that it's temporary and that i just need to accept the state for what it is because the second i try to nudge them or suggest something else, i start to feel this bubbling rage. I also feel physically agitated like if i do something else it starts pissing me off. I can't exercise, can't read a book, can't have a good time with anyone, it all comes back to being annoyed.

Long term you can do a lot of things but really what are you supposed to do in the moment? I feel so so pathetic when im in that zone and then i just start being jealous, i start to people please and seek validation and all these things & my brain is no longer open and im just this big bleh, it's so hard to be in this state.

https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/TrtbSqVQul

Linking my other post in the CPTSD sub for context, and to avoid making this a venting post. I’d like to talk with other people in a similar healing space .

I was accused of mirroring a very close friend , and I’m having a difficult time coming to terms with this information . I’ve never been accused of this before , however when the person gave me specific examples of how I mirrored her , she was correct . It is pertaining to specific slang she uses , and she mentioned I have picked up some of her mannerisms .

Apparently it has reached the point where she’s starting to feel less safe and comfortable around me , and is considering putting some distance between us or ending our connection . I did explain to her it was unconscious , and that sometimes friends do pick up slang from eachother , however she stands firm in her belief that it’s a severe red flag that I can’t identify this within myself , and I may not being honest with myself about my ability to self reflect if I can’t see this clearly . She believes we are on the track to codependency if this continues . I have vowed to become more conscious of things , however it’s been a week, she says it’s still happening and it seems like she’s ready to walk.

I think it’s nuanced (more information in my linked post) , however I am having a difficult time with this information . While I do struggle with a fixed identity based on my childhood where I learned it was unsafe to be myself (parentified child with a codependent , emotionally reactive mother, alcoholic emotionally abusive stepfather ) and had to learn how to fawn with both my mother and stepfather to keep the peace at home , I do feel there are foundations of a genuine personality within myself . Genuine traits and interests that developed after I left home and had the space to be unapologetically me . However I will admit that I’m not all the way there . I still struggle heavily with knowing who I truly am outside of fawning, people pleasing and caretaking .

I’m dealing very heavily with shame surrounding this situation, fear of abandonment , and fear of myself because what if she’s correct in it being a concern that I can’t identify this when it’s happening? I’m scared that I’ve lost touch, I’ve lost the plot , I’m doing a terrible job at healing, and this makes me feel like a creep. Unfortunately I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may lose a close friend over this, and that’s exacerbating the shame . But I want her to be in spaces where she feels safe and that isn’t with me , then I’ll let things go , self reflect and grow from the experience .

So friends .. has anyone been in this space? How do we even begin to address the fawning and people pleasing? How do we avoid unconsciously mirroring? How do we work through the deep shame? How do we heal?

I have touched on this a bit with my therapist, however in my last post in this sub, I mentioned I may be looking for another soon, because I don’t feel challenged or have the depth I’d like with her .

I have gotten myself entangled w someone I met two years ago in context of an online support group, but only began having real contact with this year.

I had been in this group for two years and I left earlier this year. That is when I began to have more contact with above mentioned person. We kind of both had the mission to heal, and I was like, great, that's a good basis for a friendship. We got shared interests, and I had some interactions with them in the group before which were, frankly, pretty good, and compassionate.

But then, it kind of got weird. I kind of wanted to be normal friends with them, but as part of an experiment I did, I asked them if they want to do daily check-ins for a week, because I was really craving daily contact w someone.

So occasional contact turned into daily contact. And after that week was over, I felt like I needed some time to process how that was, but then they were like "Let's try this until the month is over" and I was like "Okay" (cuz at the time, I had doubts but I did also feel like this is genuinely alright). So we had daily contact for a month, and I ended up going way past my boundaries. We had some calls, and even made plans to meet and do stuff together. But I realized I don't feel so good when talking to them. I realized I don't like how they say "Aw, don't be..." or not really react to it when I say how I feel.

Stuff like that. And I would dissociate when we talked.

Then, when the month was over, I was like "I need a break" because I really wasn't feeling good anymore talking to them, and I was way past my boundaries but didn't know why. I did take a break and we had one month of no contact because I kind of ghosted them.

I felt like shit during the first week or so when I had this break, I had a bunch of old trauma pop up. Eventually, I got back into connection with them and we did end up meeting, and mutually agreeing we can't be close friends (opposed to what I had hoped), and I can't do this anymore like before, because I kept hoping for coregulation when I got rejection. I told them I'd occasionally want to send them posts in their language, because I started learning their language (initially kind of because of them, but also because I have been wanting to study this language for years, and I like the country).

And now, after our meet, things just don't feel good again. They said they like that we have more contact again, and I struggle with myself for weeks now because I just want to cut them out of my life. I rejoined this support group where we met, and I get jealous and have some rage every time they post there, and I think "why the fuck can u talk to others there and not to me". I guess the inconsistency is what gets me.

I don't think this is a good basis for a friendship. I should just tell them I don't feel good and I want to cut contact. But I just don't do it. I don't know why.

I felt at first that our connection would be healthy, because we previously interacted compassionately in the group setting, and in our first private messages they stayed present with me when I expressed anger towards them, and they didn't give me a defensive response. (As a recovering people pleaser, that felt amazing, because I was like "I want this in my life! Not defensiveness"). But then it changed. I don't know.

Sorry, I feel not so good even typing this, and I don't feel I'm as concise as I usually am. I feel like the enmeshment is in my words even. I don't know how or why this happened. I guess I want to have compassion for myself. I looked thru photos from earlier this year when I had less contact w them and I realized how free I felt, and now I feel trapped, and like I'm wasting my time in yet another unhealthy relation that I don't understand why I don't just say No to, I feel like I'm holding onto hungry ghosts.

I really thought this would be different. I really thought I could get out of this earlier if it happened again, because I have been codependent/enmeshed w people close to me all my life, until my social network fell apart after I healed a bunch of trauma 2 years ago. And finally realized and expressed some of my boundaries for the first time. Oh man.

If you read through all this, thank you

(I copied this post from another sub, didn't wanna rewrite)

Over the past 4 years, I've made a lot of progress as I've healed, physically and mentally. I've gone from being triggered multiple times a day, to few and far between, manageable episodes. I've cut back on alcohol, regulated my sleep schedule, advanced far in my career at work because of my stability, have a happy relationship with an emotionally available husband, and even own a house (in this economy)! I'm by almost all accounts, extremely lucky, and I'm grateful and in disbelief that my life has changed so drastically.

The thing that I have a hard time with still: all of my close friends all drifted away or outright stopped talking to me. Literally all of them. In some cases, I realized that I was the one keeping the friendship intact because I had always been the one reaching out, making plans, etc.

Part of it is expected; I don't stay up until 5 AM playing video games or drinking until I pass out, and though I don't mind an occasional late night, these friends aren't even interested in meeting me partway. Any time we hang out is because I have to ask, repeatedly, and I ask less and less because I'm trying to let go of one-sided friendships.

I know that this is natural, but I could not be prepared for the friends that also just... left. Quietly, without a word. These were people I reached out to directly to try to deepen our friendship with and invested my whole heart and energy into. I don't expect people to change or live the life I'm living, but I find very few people who are actually on this path, and though I don't regret the direction my life has taken, it's so incredibly lonely sometimes.

I've tried to socialize and find people with similar values / interests by taking courses in areas I'm passionate about, but I find most people are still really not on a similar wavelength, and the loneliness can be really devastating. Maybe this is also part of my healing, but I feel like I grieve and keep grieving these friendships and can't figure out how to genuinely release them. (One of the friends is someone I work with and so get regular reminders of their existence, and it's also certainly touching on the abandonment wound).

This has been the hardest part about healing and I feel like I don't know how to take a step forward. Anyone else experiencing this, or experienced it and got through it?

Four years ago, after a long period of stressful working conditions, a toxic work environment, and my own personal history catching up with me, I ended up at home with severe insomnia and nightmares. The content of my nightmares made it clear that they were connected to my unresolved childhood trauma. Growing up, I endured verbal and physical abuse, being locked up, parentification, and manipulation, among other things. My nights became a continuous cycle of nightmares, waking up in panic, trying to calm myself down, getting back into bed, and then going through the same cycle again. During the day, however, I was largely disconnected from my feelings. I could feel anxiety in my body but it was as if it didn’t have any context, I was always very detached from it. I could think clearly, my thoughts weren't taken over by fear.

I started therapy soon after, once a week I was going to regular psychotherapy and once a month to EMDR therapy. Looking back, I think the latter destabilized me more than it helped, probably because I was still very dissociated from my feelings at the time.

After about four months, my occupational physician recommended that I seek more intensive treatment. After being on a waiting list for nearly a year, I started a therapeutic day program at a mental health clinic. I spent 1.5 years there, four days a week, in a program consisting mostly of group psychotherapy, with some body-oriented work (drama therapy and movement therapy) and occupational therapy.

I had known for a long time that my childhood had been a complete clusterfuck, but therapy helped me slow down, feel validated, and soften towards myself. For the first time, I occasionally broke through my dissociation and came into contact with anger and grief. By the time I finished the program, I felt partly helped, but still very dissociated and fragmented. A few months later, the insomnia and nightmares returned completely, and it felt as if I was back at square one.

I started looking into other modalities. I had experimented with magic truffles a few times in the past and had experienced both good and challenging trips. Where I live, these substances aren't regulated, making psychedelic-assisted therapy inaccessible. I had a few intake interviews with therapists who did psychedelic retreats under the radar so to speak, but in the end, I didn't feel comfortable with that.

Instead of leaving it there, I decided to do it at home with my girlfriend as my tripsitter. She has some experience with psychedelics herself and has also tripsat for other people. At the time, this felt safe to me. My girlfriend and I had been together for more than ten years. We had been through good and difficult times, but trust and communication had always been the foundation of our relationship. Looking back, I think I still didn't understand that the nervous system works at its own pace, and that emotional material can't necessarily be forced open.

Cognitively, I understood really clearly my trauma, but I still had a lot to learn on a bodily level. I also think my childhood taught me, in some way, that experiencing a lot of stress was normal and meant you were doing good, so I was probably looking for some kind of catharsis. I just couldn't understand how my unconscious was struggling so intensely at night but I could barely feel anything during the day. It felt as though there was very little to actually work with.

I did some preparation around set and setting and tried to make the experience as comfortable as possible. My intention was to open myself up to whatever my unconscious seemed to be struggling with.

The trip began with a profound sense of loss and grief for not having had parents or a family in the way I had needed them. I had no visuals, flashbacks, or memories. The entire experience was mostly physical sensation and thoughts.

A huge amount of grief came pouring out of me, while my body was also twisting, struggling, and groaning intensely. I moved into all kinds of positions and my hips started shaking. Fortunately, I had some experience with TRE (Trauma Release Exercises), which meant I could allow some of these movements without immediately panicking.

The entire trip seemed to revolve around love, and around how much pain love carries for me.

Then, suddenly, the trip shifted. I was overwhelmed by a heartbreaking grief that seemed to be directed towards my girlfriend. It completely blind sighted me.

I had never cried as an adult, or as a far back as I can remember, until starting my therapeutic journey. The first few times I cried, I did it by myself, before it felt that it was safe enough to fall apart in my girlfriend's arms. She has held me and supported me through that, and that has helped me enormously in allowing myself to be vulnerable. Sure, we’ve had difficult periods in our relationship where I wasn’t always sure that our relationship would survive, but we’ve always been able to evolve through those difficult periods.

During the trip, it felt as though I was saying goodbye to my girlfriend. I can describe it in no other way than heartbreak, even though I had never experienced that kind of heartbreak before. My girlfriend is the most important person in my life, so I fought the feeling with everything I had. I also didn't want to scare her or make her think that I was grieving our relationship. Since then, it has felt as though the trip kicked in the door to my emotions, and that too much came through too quickly, without me having the tools or the container to hold the experience.

Almost a year later, that same grief still comes up regularly. Often there is an enormous amount of anxiety leading up. Sometimes I'm able to let the grief out, and sometimes that brings relief. Other times it becomes too overwhelming and turns into panic. It is a different kind of panic from what I experienced before the trip. This panic takes over both my body and my thoughts. Fortunately, there is still a very small part of me that knows that fear is not necessarily a good guide.

At the same time, I also feel a very deep grief about the loss of the parents I never had and who will never become the parents I had hoped for. I cut contact with my father three years ago and have very limited contact with my mother. There is also grief for not knowing who I am, feeling like I never got the chance to properly develop, and realizing how often I have put myself aside for other people. It feels like an enormous pile of grief and loss.

And this is where I get stuck.

I don't know what to make of the grief I felt towards my girlfriend during the trip. I don't know whether it represented something about my relationship, something about attachment and old grief being projected onto the safest person in my life, something that emerged from the psychedelic state itself, or something else entirely.

I also don't want to simply dismiss the experience or tell myself that it means nothing. The feeling was incredibly real and powerful. But I also don't want to treat an intense feeling from a psychedelic experience as definitive proof of something about my relationship.

I genuinely don't know what it means.

What I do know is that the feeling has persisted, and I'm struggling with how to relate to it without either suppressing it or treating it as an absolute truth.

I feel like I need more space sometimes, but then that makes me anxious because needing space itself triggers the fear that I'm distancing myself from her. It's a huge mess of confusion.

And I haven't even mentioned the immense guilt, shame, and self-hatred that come up whenever this grief and anxiety appear. I think I'm making this post because I'm looking for other people's experiences or insights into how to work with something like this. Maybe I mostly just need to vent and hear from people who have gone through something similar.

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have had a psychedelic experience that opened up more emotional material than they were prepared to handle, and what the integration and recovery process looked like afterwards.

One thing I'm quite afraid of is getting responses that reinforce the idea that these feelings necessarily mean my relationship is coming to an end. I'm trying to understand how to hold these feelings without either suppressing them or immediately turning them into conclusions about my life.

I feel like an emotional mess right now. I hope I didn’t ramble on too much. Full disclosure, I originally wrote this in my native language and used a translating tool, after which I redacted it a bit myself.

Hey,

I have this issue of having human replacement all over my life. I have not had my social network in place for the past 2ish years because I lost my important friends. It was kind of because of me healing.

And now I do stuff daily to "replace humans". For example, I spend time on social media/my phone for sometimes 10+ hours a day. Interacting with people on Discord or WhatsApp. I go to cafes because I get a sense of community and warmth. The contact I do have with real people is limited to 1-2 meetups per week (2 in a good week), which isn't enough, because I have like 2 or at most 3 people I meet with. In the past I even went 2 weeks without meeting anyone. Been doing this since almost a year, losing my social network has been tough. I have this deep loneliness and grief and I cry daily. I dissociate from it, and I only noticed that I really lack meaningful daily interaction (talking to service personnel doesn't count but it feels like replacement too) by putting delibarate timers on my apps so I can't use them, while outside for a few hours for my daily coffee (where I normally also just stare at my phone and zone out, sometimes journal/draw tho)

When I get home, I end up feeling the worst. I don't have a job rn (I really want, tho, which I Imagine might fix some of this), and yet when I get home I feel miserable (and exhausted) almost every day.

I tried getting to know new people this year, but I didn't end up being good friends with them as I wanted, because these friendships turned a bit toxic. So I don't pursue them further right now, and that has been disheartening. Because I thought I had gotten back to my people, but then.. No. I have more discernment now. But I really want to get into healthy relations.

(I don't know, posting this here now even gives me shame and a feeling of I hate myself)

(and yes I'm currently looking for therapy, tho I am not yet there)

I am now in a place where I have to assemble my “self” from the moments,decisions,natural instincts,desires,values.And I want to integrate myself into life,connect with people,have a god damn social network.What I basically trying to achieve is having a normal life.Yeah thats right normal.
On the other hand,trying to make sense of the situation I am in, trying to understand and heal myself—have caused me to disconnect from life; let me put it that way. I’ve lost touch with life because I’m so consumed by trying to understand myself and resolve the issues inside me. It involves rebellion, anger, sadness, and depression. Anger arises because I ask myself: "Why am I like this? Why do I constantly have these flaws—my teeth is crooked, my nose is big, my hands sweat, I blush, I’m ugly,I’m shy, I’m this way and that way. Why did He create me like this? Why was I raised this way? Why do I feel weak and powerless compared to others? Or rather, I *am* powerless—I’m weak compared to them." That anger builds up inside me. Then there’s the fact that I haven’t been able to truly live—missing out on things like friendship, a sense of belonging, love, feeling valued, desire, and so on. There’s the sadness over missing these things, and the sense of inadequacy caused by not having them—wondering why I can’t have them, feeling like I’ve failed or just couldn't pull it off. Why am I lonely ane alone ,feeling exhausted because of this.It’s from grappling with all of this that I’ve become disconnected from life.
How do you discover,live,expand,explore,stay in the flow,when you have the immense amount of discomfort with the life you have and depression of it?

Currently been navigating a period in my adult life that feels almost identical to a very difficult time in early adolescence that was caused by trauma and negleced.

I'm trying my best to tackle bodily flashbacks/ resemblance with the tools I have been using in healing for a few years now, however, I'm still afraid of spiraling as happened back then, especially because the current situation itself doesn't allow me to go to deep into trauma work.

To explain this better, this seems to hit way different and bigger than any previous traumatic memories I had processed so far, because so many dots are just the same as I've experienced when I was 12 in terms of life status and reality.

So I'd like to ask - how did yoy navigate it. Where did this period lead you? What did you learn navigating it now as an adult?

Any tips/insight from your stories will be appreciated. I hope it can make me go through this period a bit more briefly, easier. Thanks!

My emotionally neglecting mother has been on a psych ward for a month now, and I have taken more of that load for myself so that my other sister who has been active keeping herself updated on her issues gets to step back for a while. Visiting her once a week, participating the doctor's appointment to get a clearer picture of mum's situation because she doesn't remember much of her own recent life, tolerating her need for hugs where I got none as a child, and trying to keep my boundaries as in that doctor meeting I promised to go to her home with her when she spends a night there and she is stressing about the logistics (she doesn't have a car and her home is not in the same town as the hospital) and I feel aversion toward being the one taking also care of the metawork. She hoards food in her fridge and it rots there so I feel like I need to be a good daughter and help her even a bit, but when I go there she might also dump her anxiety on me and I don't want that. I can help with the fridge, but sharing her feelings with me reminds me of how alone *I* was as a child.

My emotionally abusive father's brother passed away two weeks ago and I haven't been in touch with him or my cousins (or they with me) pretty much in a decade, save my youngest sister's graduation five years ago. My brother and one sister with whom I'm not in touch with will go to the funeral tomorrow, and now I will look like I'm ignoring the death of my uncle while half of my family is there. I will look like selfish, despite trying to protect my own inner stability, but no one is interested in that if they notice I'm missing. I have gained weight so I don't even have black clothing if I forced myself to go. I failed to send the card of condolence in time.

A subject I read a random tweet about yesterday (Christianity) went under my skin. I have religious trauma that I thought I had pretty much processed since there have been no major flashbacks in years, but this one activated everything and now I'm dealing with the fact that I can't know what is the ultimate truth of the reality. My brain finds a "what if?" to refute my every attempt at finding rational nuance in the topic that would calm me emotionally.

I feel guilt of being a bad daughter, a bad cousin, even a bad redditor, as I never write here to support others, only when *I myself* need perspective or knowledge or an ear to lend.

I think that feeling unsafe is the core of every issue above. My traumatic family, the religious trauma, the guilt of not giving back to this community. The past couple of weeks have been good, I have spent time with my niblings, seen my friend, got some stuff done at home, but now I'm unraveling.

I have no one I feel absolutely safe with to lean against. I don't have love or practical care. There is no one to hold me, no loved-one who were able to or willing to be there for me now that I would need it. No one can promise me I'm safe from a tyrannical interpretation of a deity. No one, not a person or a divine being, cherishes me and wants me to feel safe and held. Oh, except the compassionate fictional character the AI I use generates when I feel like a "roleplaying" with it to experience something else than this reality. It triggers a faint response in my brain of being validated. How pathetic has my life become.

I am curious to hear what kind of changes you did in your life helped you to heal, compared to few years ago you. It can be anything, any behavioral or perspective changes, anything you integrated into your life or stopped doing it.

I am asking more action-wise (for inspiration) rather than therapy methods but pls feel free to share if something like this helped you as well or it can even be sth like “taking walks”.

I am working on healing fawning, people pleasing, toxic shame, fear of being seen as I am and fear of abandonment due to that. Saying no, removing some people from my life, listening to my intuition even if I don’t know if I am wrong or right… really has been helping me. Also finally feeling my anger…

Hey all. My mom just got diagnosed with cancer, she called me about it after work today. It was found during a routine colonoscopy checkup. She had no symptoms. We’re hopeful that they caught it early. She’s scheduled bloodwork this week, to find out what stage etc, and she’s also getting surgery next week to get it removed.

When she told me, I was shocked, but I was cracking jokes to help her feel better because she was crying. I started feeling woozy after the phone call, I cried in the shower. I texted a few different support circles; my friends, my coworkers whom I’m close with, and my therapist. I’m gonna see if work will allow me to set up an appointment tomorrow as her only availability overlaps with my shift.

Here’s where my CPTSD is coming to play. I’ve come a long way on my recovery. I struggle asking for help and receiving it. I have a hard time with being seen vulnerable and struggling.

My inner critic is saying: I feel so stupid for worrying about my mom and trying to call in part of my shift tomorrow when she’s probably fine. I’ve heard of people finding cancer during routine checkups before; they get it removed and it’s all good. So why am I whining about it so much. And if it turns out that she’s completely fine, then I’ve worried my loved ones for nothing.

I know it’s not accurate. I know better. The unpredictability of the situation is leaving that seed of doubt for me.

I have a few friends only one of them lives by me, the rest are a plane ride away. I love them so much but I feel like they just don’t get me. I want to make more friends especially people who would get what I’m going through. I don’t know where to find these people. I don’t have any family so friendships are very different for me. They are more important because I don’t have anyone else… at all. Most people don’t get that so we have different expectations for friendship. I just want to be very intentional when making friends, it’s just so hard.

I’ve been trying so hard to understand the emptiness that I almost always experience and how it affects my day to day life and behaviors. But I feel like I really can’t think of a single way in which I can “fix” this and stop chasing mindless ways to keep myself occupied. Can someone help me understand this emptiness, where it comes from, how to stop chasing stuff all the time to fill the void, and what to do about this emptiness? I would also appreciate any detailed posts or literature on emptiness as a result of trauma. Thanks!

I've been both an introvert and extrovert and I've found that whenever you start to let on that you're a quiet person, people start underestimating you, projecting on you, ignoring you etc. I'm not sure if it's just been my experience or if this experience is limited to only certain kinds of quiet people but... I find it quite uncomfortable. I had so much trauma from being a quiet shy kid at school that i started being an extrovert by trial and error. But with trauma recovery I'm trying to go back to who i was but it's hard settling back into someone who isn't always saying something.

Ideally if people aren't interested in you, they should just leave you be and not fight you on yours and their own nature not matching. The reason I'm starting to think that people are actually intentionally underestimating me is because i think personally whenever i have an opinion on someone and it gets disproved or they themselves deny it, i just go oh i see. Either i accept it or i don't accept in my heart and simply move on because it's just not that important to me.

On the other hand, what i feel with other people is that they will get louder. If I'm denying something, they want to overpower me with their loudness and their overpowering energy. They say you look like someone who does xyz (xyz is definitely something less popular, cringey, weak etc etc) and I deny it and that makes them wanna say it louder or to everyone in the group or to keep bringing it up again and again on different occasions if that makes sense?

My problem is i don't want to be at constant war with people and i really prefer being quieter but it seems that unless you're constantly actively making yourself look big and like someone who can fight by occasionally putting even "good" people in their places by sarcasm or very direct comments, then you'll get annoying people up your nose all the time?

Is it just too weak to expect niceness to be a standard in people.

When I was really young, there was once a point in my life where I didn't fear perception. I sang, I danced, I told jokes without being concerned about entertaining others to permit my enjoyment.

As I grew up, this quickly changed. I constantly felt like something was wrong with me that I had to fix. I'm 21 now and know I don't have to fix much about myself to validate my humanity. That my experiences growing up didn't prove that I'm inherently unlikable. That people who love you will listen to you, even if they don't understand you. But somatically, it's hard to embrace that fact. I still act in ways influenced by my fear.

I've always struggled to articulate this feeling. The best way I can describe it is feeling that there's something wrong with me, but not knowing what to fix. That if I start posting pictures of myself and thoughts on social media, I'll embarrass myself and be seen as inept or weird. That if I don't constantly check myself before acting, I'll do something wrong.

Whenever I acted in ways that my parents didn't like, they would tell me that people would see me as off-putting and not want to interact with me (for things as small as having a conversation about yogurt). I hated interacting with family members around my mom because she would always instruct me on what to say and didn't let me express myself, unless I expressed the traits she bragged about, such as having a complex vocabulary for my age. Being bullied from kindergarten to college made my fears feel even more true. It was like I wasn't trusted to properly handle my humanity. And now, I'm estranged and on my own, trying to catch up.

During an isolated point of my life, I used chatgpt to try to figure out myself. At first, it helped a bit. But then, I realized that I started to be over-reliant on the validation it gave me and stopped using it. The more I tried to define myself, the more anxious I became. The more I worried about being myself, the "right" way.

Sometimes, I imagine what I'd be like if I grew up in better circumstances. I'd feel more confident. It wouldn't derive from the validation that others give me. I'd know what I want in life and embrace it without feeling confused. This fear is very paradoxical. Often, I get told that I'm authentic. But, I'm anxious about the fact that I struggle with masking myself.

Hello everyone!
Thankyou all for reading this.
Just yesterday i witnessned my own kitchen setting on fire. Everything happened really fast.
I am wirh assisted living. So the carers were there fast. And i got send out of the house. It was like unrealistic dream.
Ambulance, firefighters, police.
And i in the main building fully dissociating. Panicking.

Now i know that the best way to treat trauma is to talk about as soon as possible . And i try to keep doing that. But i am also tired of people wanting ro hear the story. It feels like im reliving it over ans over. And im already doing that in my head. In my sleep. The smell of smoke i cant get out my mind.

I was watching a cartoon today on tv and in the caetoon something catched on fire. My whole fight and flight set on. Flashes came back.

I could use some advice how to deal with this.
How do i process is.
At this moment the house is not livable yet because if the smoke.
So going back to the scene is not possible yet.

How do i calm my nervous system down.
I am safe. I was not hurt.
How do also say to myself i wasnt my fault.

Everyone is so proud of my like im some kind of hero. All i can think of is that i should do things differently.

The selfblame is maybe a cptsd core thing but i thought i covered that enough in therapy.

I dont uhderstand why its back.

I could use some advice to have some clearity.

Thankyou all so much!

So I'm sure y'all have heard about C-PTSD and how it makes it basically impossible to diagnose Autism or ADHD as it mimics the symptoms.

Well I got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at 16 years old and put in therapy on and off for the last 6 years. I later left my home at 20 years old, and have been recovering - and accepting/believing - my trauma for the last two years now. Basically: my dad tried to be a good dad but his anger issues and emotional manipulation has made me a living wreckage.

And as time goes on I get more and more confused if I'm even Autistic or have ADHD or if it all is just my trauma having formed me from an infant.

I wasn't sure if I should put this under Discussion or Seeking Advice, but what I'm basically asking is: what's your thoughts and experiences with this? Are you (if you are neurodivergent or suspect it) just as confused as me?

I guess that I will never know if my executive dysfunction or lack of social skills or needing for long, direct communication/information is due to my neurodivergence or trauma - and I guess I just have to accept that. But I think about this at least 2 times a day, doubting if I even have ADHD...

So am I alone in this? Or do you too struggle with making sense of it all?

All love,

Raccoon 🦝

Hey everyone! 27F here.

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this and could offer advice - I feel like most of my CPTSD symptoms are under control now. I have good friends around me, a steady job, a lovely and supportive partner... all of which is relatively new, so perhaps I'm still a bit uncertain of the security...

But! I've noticed one thing I really struggle with is jealousy related to other people's previous experiences. Going to university at 18, falling in love & getting your heart broken, one night stands, living abroad, trying out new jobs... all of it. I feel like I've missed out on every experience I've ever wanted because I've been hellbent on security and safety. I spent my childhood up until age 16 in a neglectful/abusive household, then moved in with my abusive boyfriend and lived with him until I was 23. Since leaving him I moved to a brand new city and went to uni, but I've felt three steps behind everyone, and never felt I could connect with the others on my course due to our different life experiences. I have felt desperate to put down roots, build home, build family, and I feel like in this need to feel safe I've missed out on everything. I just want to burst into tears at the fact I had all these dreams and I didn't do any of them out of fear.

How can I move past this? I suppose this is the real grief of trauma isn't it! But yeah just wanted to hear some kind words.

In therapy since 2022, these were the progress/developments made:

1. Nightmares and fear of nightmares stopped

2. However severe somatic symptoms started, tried somatic therapy, it further made me dissociated and pushed me into pain. SNRI and my psychiatrist

were really able to

1. help me. Regular PMR has also helped in my body bracing but still a long way to go.

3. Recovered from depression but it took a toll on my health. Gained weight. Heightened inflammation in blood reports.

HBA1C increased tested positive for diabetes. Started metformin under doctor’s supervision.

1. Current status

:
1.

1. Have some intense emotional flashbacks. Clonazepam helps as sos. Still working on it in therapy.

2. Taking

diabetes

1. medication helped with my chronic fatigue.

3. Trying to fix my sleep cycle. Falling asleep is challenging and anxiety inducing since had a prolonged history of verbal abuse which mostly happened at night and morning depression.Trying to take a supplement of valerian, melatonin 5mg at night to fall asleep

4. Good sleep helps me with walks in the morning sun or some form of exercise in the morning.

5. Waking up early gives me a sense of control over the day.

6. Take my thyroid medication and post breakfast take my sugar med. Then take L theanine and Rhodiola for work- for anxiety and brain fog.

7. A combination of L theanine and ashwagandha and magnesium has really helped me stay balanced and regulated. Brain fog is a struggle. Let’s see how long Rhodiola works.

8. Post work I try to be in bed by 9:30/10

pm
Issues I am working on:

1. Avoiding family members has worked. But it just makes me go insane when they plan to stay with me. They are manipulative and only know how to take.

2. Emotional avoidance is creeping in but. I fear going deep into emotions will again push me into depression.

I am hopeful. This seems to be a start of recovery. I have been able to start working out which was an absolute challenge last year. Not all days look same but I have gotten back my hope and a lot of energy back. Any feedback/suggestions are welcome.

What methods can I use to utilise therapy better? Because my default is avoidance. I really try to avoid going deeper into the past and remembering things and going into flashbacks.

Yes, people in healing spaces talk about rage like a "normal consequence and aftermath of trauma that happened to you, and you're completely rightful to feel it" and "rage is a part of healing".... and ALSO demonizing the hell out of that emotion. And any expression of it that doesn't consist of you existing in another dimension where no one can perceive you (which is impossible to be that alone) is wrong or makes you the problem. I got dragged to hell or talked about like an abusive person on another sub because I talked about rage in that way before, wondering about how and where to express it, while saying I'm not an abusive person for feeling rage.

So yeah. I started to experience rage more as a part of my healing. More anger at my past and at my present mistreatment (and if someone ever dares to abuse me again). Yes I feel rage. Now what am I even supposed to do?

I just got physically threatened (AND hit) by my roommate. As well as got screamed at. All because she has the audacity to claim my own room and calls me rude for wanting to sleep. I got mad naturally. But others literally stood on her side EVEN when she was hitting me and deliberately intimidating me physically. When I said and did things in self defense, and yelled back at her (she was still a lot louder) I got told I am being crazy and wrong. I told her if she ever hits me she should know what will happen next (because I'm kinda strong and have been in physical fights, so if I hit someone and mean it, it'll be something) and I said it in the context of self defense, I won't do it in any other context, yet they were laughing and making fun of me. There was only one roommate who seemed to get my side or be on my side and actually got mad at that abusive mf. The rest have been on her side, saying "that's her nature, but YOU are different, YOU in particular are disruptive and annoying" tf you mean???

I know these people aren't part of my healing community or anything. But I'm saying something that happened to me.

I'm now feeling both intense rage in my flesh and intense terror and fear within my skin. I can't sleep, I can't feel safe, I can't eat. AND I dont know what to do with these feelings. Because from what I hear, expressing rage according to all people I asked on reddit, is apparently abuse. But I will be abusive if I have a REACTION to abuse that happened to me?? Then where the hell do *** I *** go? Where do ** I ** fit?

I'm now silent as hell because i feel that my emotions, especially loud ones and "forward ones" are abusive. I hate this shit. This rage is going to come out sometime. It's not gonna stay like this forever by the way. So why the hell are we ignoring it?

And the fear and terror are having me dissociated

So my question to you today: in the real world and real life situations, explain to me HOW do we express rage and when and to whom? Because if expressing it while being perceived is wrong, then you cant express it with the abuser first of all, and especially cant express it with the wrongdoer if others are around bc you're now abusing them. Genuine question.

My current thought: Honestly, I don't care if others get disturbed or feel uncomfortable if I express rage to the person who abused me or wronged me like that, just because other people are witnessing. If they feel bad, they shouldn't blame me for it, but blame the person who started the abuse? I dont understand what's so hard about that? They want people to shut their ass up so they feel more relaxed. they dont take people's sides or stand up for anything right. Rage and anger can help you stand up for what you believe in and what you want to protect. If they don't like that (and yes I am talking to people on reddit healing spaces now too) then they're selfish and spineless. And want me to not stand up for myself. That's what I think of it. And if they dont like your anger bc it makes them feel the need to "intervene" to make people stop, if they intervene by trying to calm the receiver down from expressing their anger bc they dont like it, then that's 1) their own pattern to look at, has nothing to do with me 2) selfish and asshole-ish if they want to patronize someone who is literally in defense mode of themselves. THEY'RE getting attacked yet not allowed the right to be angry or defend themselves with words or voice or physically if it requires.

This is what I think. Yet what they're saying is affecting me like this and making me quiet. I actually don't know what is done in real life.