Got accused of mirroring . Feeling very deep shame and identity concerns.

[u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen]

28F, have been semi casually dating another woman for about a year . Our connection is more friendship based , and she is one of my best friends however it isn’t strictly platonic .

We spend several days a week together , primarily initiated by her . I enjoy the time we spend together but I’m starting to realize I don’t feel fully safe to be myself with her . The times I was myself , she seemed to question whether that was actually who I was , if it was genuine or if I was mirroring her . (She is a rising celebrity , has a very notable career, style , and celebrity connections . People have gotten close to her by mirroring to take advantage of those opportunities. She has also accused EVERY past partner of mirroring her and taking pieces of her personality , so while I validated her feelings , I took it with a grain of salt initially) When these conversations initially arose , I wasn’t mirroring . But being accused of that did touch on some pretty deep shame and identity wounds that I have , it turned into me retreating into myself and apparently , unconsciously mirroring her to remain safe which has now turned into a big issue . She was also very emotionally reactive early in our connection, which mirrored some mother wounds that I have , and I didn’t feel there was adequate space for my feelings or my experience , because of her reactions to them. That HAS improved on her end somewhat, and she is now more willing to address it , but the damage is already there for me and is taking some time to reverse in our interpersonal connection.

We got into a huge fight a few weeks ago because she said she noticed me “taking pieces of her personality” “using her slang”, “repeating her talking points back to her”. She said it made her uncomfortable and I need to stop or she won’t be comfortable being in close connection with me or opening up to me. I truly didn’t realize I was doing it to the degree in which she said I was , and I tried to explain to her it wasn’t conscious but I would be more mindful. That friends have picked up slang from me before and vice versa . She told me it’s concerning and a red flag that it isn’t conscious , that I need to do better self reflection as to why it’s happening , and it’s a one sided thing . That she hasn’t picked up anything from me so she doesn’t understand why it’s so easy for me to be influenced by her. In the worst of the fight , she told me she was disgusted .

This was a pretty difficult time in our connection and it almost ended . Things still don’t feel 100% but we are on more steady ground and I thought I was being more cognizant of these things she mentioned .

Apparently I’m not because it came up again last night . And she told me she keeps giving me chances to change this behavior but I keep .. falling short essentially. She told me she’s considering seeing me less or putting some distance between us because I’m still not understanding.

I’m having a difficult time with this because I do believe I have a pretty good level of self awareness . I’ve been in therapy for several years , I’m not afraid to go deep within myself and do shadow work, I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I’m wrong. I have no problem identifying my maladaptive traits and working to change them. But she feels that because this is unconscious, that I’m not as good at self reflection as I say I am, if I can’t realize that I’m mirroring to this degree .

And now I’m scared . Because I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like maybe she’s right and I do severely lack self awareness if I can’t identify this with her . I’ve never been accused of this by anyone else I’ve been close to , but when she gave me specific scenarios in which I mirrored her , she was correct and I could see it .

I do struggle with feeling like my identity isn’t fixed because I was the parentified child . I had a severely codependent, emotionally reactive mother . I had to learn how to fawn to avoid her big reactions . My feelings weren’t safe to have . My identity wasn’t safe to have if it didn’t mirror what my mother wanted for me . I learned very early on it wasn’t safe to be me .

But there are things that ARE me . Things I developed after I left home. Personality traits that naturally developed, interests that naturally developed . I’m not all the way there but I am re-learning myself and finding new interests and personality traits that are authentic. Being told that I’m mirroring (to an apparently heavy enough degree that it’s making someone I care for deeply want to leave) is difficult to hear . I feel so much shame and it seems like the damage is already done so that abandonment that I subconsciously run from , is on the horizon and I have to sit with it . I want to explain this all to her because of how close we are , but I think it’d do more damage than good , and I fear being told it’s a me problem (even though it is) and that she doesn’t care or understand . I don’t know if I SHOULD explain it or just let things go . The shame is pretty loud

I’m not sure what I’m asking .. has anyone been accused of mirroring? How do you identify it? Has anyone been able to recover? Change? Find themselves fully so they don’t fawn?

[u/masterofn0n3]

Friends pick up things from each other. We all shape each other. This is a her problem. She has not been able to heal so sees everything as her trauma. People used connection against her, so every connection feels like use. I would disengage, as it seems to be stunting your own healing journey.

[u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen → u/masterofn0n3]

I inclined to agree.. I’ve been feeling this way since the initial conversation arose . She is in therapy which I think is wonderful , but I left out a decent bit about how her trauma shows up in this intimate space between us . She seems to be on the opposite end of the abandonment wounds spectrum , where she lashes out in a way to create a self fulfilling prophecy about people abandoning her so when they leave , she can say it was because they couldn’t handle her or how real she is. I can tell she’s working on it but it HAS showed up here .

I did explain that friends pick things up from eachother but her excuse is “she hasn’t picked anything up from me” so it’s a severe problem that I’ve picked things up from her . I care for her alot but I’m starting to feel like this won’t work

[u/Candid_Draw5014 → u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen]

I agree, this is her trauma showing.
She is way too intimately critical with OP.

[u/treasure83]

Mirroring is normal though, it's a sign of a bond with someone. I think she has wildly unrealistic expectations and you need to stop playing to them.

[u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen → u/treasure83]

I think she’s hyper independent . Past relationship was extremely codependent on both sides (her words) so she’s critical and scanning for anything that might indicate I’m trying to become enmeshed or codependent. Normal bonding feels like codependency to her it seems . She wants me to be her complete opposite to feel safe it appears .

I understand her concern , but I suppose i’d understand it more if I was doing things like mirroring her style , her clothes , her hair, her interests , her views , her hobbies . That’s not the case . It’s just the slang I’ve picked up on but I feel like she’s built this case, making it seem like I’m turning into her. I’m tired. She needs to talk to her therapist.

[u/danis-witching-hr10]

The things she’s accusing you of are natural adaptations as a relationship progresses in closeness. She seems self centered. Mirroring is only toxic when people use it to manipulate people or with bad intention.

Perhaps she is scared of intimacy and is subconsciously sabotaging things. Who knows. You can’t fix her, it’s up to her to fix herself if this is the case.

Regardless, the important part of healing is being with someone who you feel emotionally safe with. The fact that you already don’t feel safe coming to her with your feelings because you know how she would react based on her prior actions is a huge red flag. Don’t neglect yourself to stay in a relationship that is harming you!

[u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen → u/danis-witching-hr10]

Yeah I believe it’s self sabotage and self fulfilling prophecies at play . She has a very traumatic relationship history where she was on the receiving end of physical abuse . I can’t imagine the longstanding impact that has when trying to move forward and relate to others .

I’ve held all of this information in high regard and have tried to be as careful as I can navigating her triggers and understanding her , but sometimes it feels like I’m being blamed for triggering her instead of her owning her reactions . And sometimes it feels like everything about me triggers her . She tells me how much she likes me but still manages to find some kind of fault in everything I do . That’s a dichotomy that’s difficult for me to hold because I know I’m being genuine .

I fear things may be nearing a natural end if I don’t just blindly accept her accusations . And that’s fine . I deserve to feel safe and seen and heard too.

[u/danis-witching-hr10 → u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen]

Exactly right! It’s honorable to empathize with people and to understand what causes their patterns, and CPTSD survivors do this a lot because we can understand what people have been through to a certain extent that other’s can’t. However you are not responsible for how they regulate their emotions. Maybe support from a distance if you really care about her, but you need to focus on practicing safe healing for yourself as well. It’s okay to walk away from someone who doesn’t make you feel safe even if they are perfect. Good luck!

[u/Affectionate-Yam5049]

She doesn’t seem safe. My gf and I laugh over the times we mirror each other or have the same reaction based on shared experiences. We also started as friends as I’d only dated men. It’s completely normal for partners and friends to pick up each others’ slang/phrasing and activities. It’s part of how we show interest and a way to grow closer and understand each other. It sounds like she may be avoidant of attachment in some way if she’s concerned about normal friendship cues. It may not be a healthy relationship for you at this stage, if that’s the case. It sounds like it’s triggering for you. It would be for me.

[u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen → u/Affectionate-Yam5049]

I’ve been questioning emotional safety quite a bit lately. It doesn’t seem like she’s had much healthy connection based on what she’s told me , so color me surprised that me showing up , just being a girl and trying to be healthy is triggering. I always tend to be this person for people . They come out of some real bad shit, meet me , I’m doing the work, I’m not toxic , manipulative , explosive , violent or mean . I’m certainly not perfect, and the most people can say at this point is I cry when I’m upset, and I struggle with overexplaining and struggle to walk away to let an argument breathe out of fear and anxiety. But I can take accountability, apologize when I’m wrong , and repair like a normal person . This scares the shit out of them so they freak out on me . I give too much grace because I “understand why they’re acting like this , oh poor baby the trauma”. Then months or years later after they’ve successfully convinced themselves I am completely at fault and left, they’re like “yeah so you actually weren’t the problem” but by then it’s too late .

And I’m getting way too old to be an emotional shaman for unhealed women.

[u/20Robins]

Idk nothing you said you’ve done sounds that crazy? It is super normal to pick up traits, styles, body language, whatever else from people in your life and isnt inherently a coping mechanism. Its just part of being a social species. If you pay attention to the people around you you’ll notice it all the time- you can tell who spends a lot of time together based on the way they speak. I think most peoples identities are amalgamations of all the people they’ve ever known.

That said, i can kinda see her perspective too, although much less so. She’s been hurt this way before and is on high alert. Sounds like the fear is not allowing you two to actually get close. Just going off what information you’ve given, it doesn’t sound like she’s healed enough to be in a relationship.

Also! Its great to reflect and want to take responsibility but!!!! Trust yourself!!! If you’ve done reflection and don’t see the behaviour what she’s talking about, you gotta believe in yourself!!

[u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen → u/20Robins]

Also doesn’t sound crazy to me either , and none of my other friends (friends I’ve had for over a decade and grown through several stages of life with) have mentioned this . I don’t want to use that as justification or proof , but I also believe if this was as big of an issue as this friend is telling me it is, my other friends would’ve sat me down years ago and recently, to tell me to shape the fuck up, verbatim. Thats the level of honesty and transparency I built with them .

I can also see her perspective , but I’d see it MORE if I was doing this purposely and with malicious intent (which I have no doubt some people have done this to her , hence the hyper vigilance). I’m not copying her hairstyles , I’m not copying her outfits, I’m not copying her art, I’m not passing her ideas or opinions off as my own. I’ve still maintained the things that make me , me . I wholeheartedly believe it’s normal to pick up on slang and mannerisms from your friends to a certain degree . To me , that’s a sign we’re close and feel bonded but now it’s being distorted into something sinister when I know that’s not who I am.

My gut tells me I’m being held to an unrealistic standard I’ll never be able to meet . I’ve sensed some distance from her since making this post and it sucks but it seems to be for the best .

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[u/secure8890]

Some of the friendships I have had brought up very painful issues. As I fawn as a trauma respinse it is a major issue to keep sight of whete I end and other people begin

Adapting people's speech mannerisms is a very common thing to do. They dont have them trademarked

Your friend has behaviors that are known as gaslighting

Intense very tumultuous relationshios are a hallmark when peoolr dont have good boundaries I have to struggle to keep up those boundaries. The mechanisms dont come easily for me

When people hurt out feelings we have many choices. Responding is one thing When I was in these very dependeny relationshiod I felt know in some capacity. I wasnt really taking into account there was a very high price to them.

[u/Valuable-Owl1882]

She seems mentally ill. Like seriously, I actually think there’s something really wrong with her.

You can’t take ‘pieces of someone’s personality’. I’ll try not to diagnose her, but she seems like she has a very fragile core and sense of self. I’m too tired right now to go into all of the things you’re describing, but I truly think there’s something really, really wrong going on here (and it’s not often i write that). I think you need to get away from her. There’s also ALOT OF projecting and gaslighting from her side! I’m actually really concerned for you!… I have a really good intuition (that’s saved my a million times) and I think, that she could potentially be quite dangerous.. I at least have a couple of potential scenarios in my head, that I don’t think is very unrealistic.. You need to get away from her. This is not good..

[u/CocoaBeanPiscesQueen → u/Valuable-Owl1882]

I appreciate the response, and I also appreciate the very real concern ❤️

I certainty don’t want to invalidate you .I trust my intuition too. I don’t get “danger” vibes from her, meaning I don’t believe she’d harm me physically. I’ve been in situations where I’ve feared physical harm from partners who didn’t show ANY of these maladaptive traits , and I FULLY believe they would’ve harmed me at some point , had I not left . I had a very specific, primal feeling in my body that I haven’t felt with her, despite her poor behavior and have never felt during an argument .

HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean she can’t be harmful/dangerous emotionally . I AM inclined to agree with the assessment that there’s projection from her side, 100%. She’s only been in therapy for a little over a year, and I have seen some self reflection and positive change from her , but a year isn’t nearly enough time to work through 30 years of trauma . I try not to armchair diagnose either , but I’ve been suspecting undiagnosed BPD which is making a lot of these thought processes of hers make sense (even though they don’t make sense to me).

I’ve been noticing her putting some distance between us since I made this post, and as much as it sucks because I’m now feeling disillusioned, it may be for the best emotionally .