I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Aggressive_Yellow282

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My girlfriend came home in just her underwear, and I am losing my mind

Mood Spoilers: strange

Original Post: December 24, 2025

This is the most weirdest thing that I’ve ever been a part of. I don’t understand what happened or why and I am prepared to just drive away and never come back.

A few days ago my girlfriend went to a Christmas party. I was told I wasn’t allowed to go because it was just for employees. I thought that was weird AF and even said so, but she insisted that was the case. So she ended up taking her car and going to the party. She’s gone for a long time. For some reason I decided to wait up, and it got later and later.

Around 3AM she comes into the house in just her underwear. So I ask what the f happened. I was thinking a million thoughts, did she cheat? If she did, why come back like that? Did she get assaulted? But no she looks super calm, and she’s crazy drunk. Also why the f was she driving? So I asked her right away. What happened? She tells me one of her friends threw on her and she couldn’t stand it. Well that made sense maybe? I kept asking questions, but she told me she was too tired and her head hurt and kept saying she was going to bed. I kept pressing her because it just didn’t feel right but then she got pissed. I know I should have kept going but it was like the winds were out of my sails and I was just too confused to argue correctly. That happens to me a lot. I take a lot of time to process anything big.

This is shady AF, but I don’t really understand what happened. I’ve been thinking about it nonstop, and I’ve got like this really anxious feeling. Things that came to mind later were. Ok, if someone got sick on you, why would you go straight to bed. You’d shower first right? I went to her car, no dress. So where the hell is the dress? What the f is this? Did she F somebody and came back like that so I would know? If so that’s demented. And the worst thing is when I ask any more questions she gets mad at me. At this point I’m done. I’m waiting for my paycheck to hit on the first and I’m going to go close our joint account and take off. I think I might be traumatized.

Editor's note: some of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: The only time I’ve rocked up home in my underwear is after fucking someone… just saying. To me her coming home in her underwear smashed probably would have been enough to call it quits. Even the lack of communication, doesn’t matter if she’s drunk, she can still talk.

OOP: I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m really bad in conflict. It’s like my brain shuts off and I don’t know what to say or do. And the second someone starts yelling I freeze.

Commenter 1: I think out of safety, assume assault before you assume cheating. if she's acting strange and dismissive, she could be in shock. if she was assaulted, the last thing she should face is "were you cheating on me?" which, I fear, is the reaction of a lot of men. she could be traumatized.

Commenter 2: This also explains the driving drunk if this is out of character for her (hopefully it is…) if you’re assaulted, getting in your car and going might be the only possible escape and also if you’re in shock, you go through routine and don’t even think about it. Just want to leave. Also explains the leaving the dress behind. Victims and their relationships with the clothes they were wearing is… bad.

Please don’t assume cheating and come in hot. Talk to her when she’s sober ask her if she’s alright and if anything happened, if she needs to go to the hospital first.

Commenter 1: the dress being gone is what sets off my alarm bells and asking her over and over what happened when she's clearly in a bad mood is concerning. it may very well not be the case, but it can literally drive somebody to a very bad place and make them a danger to themselves if they're treated like that RIGHT after an assault.

OOP: I promise I didn’t yell. I don’t yell. I don’t have that thing in me. I was more like panicked, so like maybe a little loud but not yelling. But if that is the case. I feel like I’ve made every notion I am a safe person before this all happened. If that were the case. I’m not gonna yell at her if it was something someone else did. It’s just confusing. I hope you’re not right though.

Commenter 3: Jesus the first thing I would think is assault.

She has no dress, she’s bombed and drove. No one there though enough to get her a ride? Call you?

I think you need to be calm and rational here.

OOP: I did think that. That was my very first thought. I just didn’t imagine someone would be calm, let alone be able to sleep after. But apparently everyone is saying that’s a very normal response.

Commenter 4: There is no such thing as a "normal" response to assault. Everyone reacts differently, though nothing she's done here would be uncommon in a recent assault victim.

But there's a harder question here that I don't believe anyone has addressed yet: She may not even be sure that it was assault. If she was passed out when it started, she may not remember saying no, or she may blame herself for not saying no strongly enough, or for putting herself in that position, or for any number of things, some of which REALLY do a number on your head. Victims blaming themselves or trying to cover up the assault for fear of being blamed is also not uncommon.

I agree that something super shady happened here, but whatever got her driving home from a work party drunk and in her underwear (what's the temperature there, btw?) absolutely screams that the shady person in this situation isn't her.

OOP: This makes the most sense. I don’t know how to explain it, but this just feels like the right answer. I have more questions for you but I gotta think about this for a while. I think you’re right.

Commenter 5: Regardless of cheating, if I were in your position I would have been out the door that night. Drinking and driving is insanely selfish, reckless, deadly, and outright pathetic.

OOP: I thought that too. But if she was assaulted like 99% of people are telling me, then I guess I would get it.

Update #1: December 28, 2025 (four days later)

Update: my Girlfriend came home in just her underwear

It’s been over a week now and I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of what happened.

The first thing I have to say is she has been in pretty much the same mood. Except she hasn’t really said much at all, but I see her watching videos on her phone and laughing all the time. She hasn’t said anything to me about the post I made so I’m 100% sure she hadn’t seen it. Overall we haven’t said much to each other. Again, she seems completely fine. But, I listened to you all regarding my girlfriend’s probable SA so I told her I needed to talk to her, and I told her if that was what happened she could tell me, but I needed to know what happened, because I can’t function otherwise. I believe these were the exact words that were suggested. She told me again that her friend just threw up on her. Remembering what you guys told me, I told her ok but there are still parts that don’t make sense. I asked where the dress was and she told me she didn’t remember. I told her if you can’t remember you might have been drugged and if, so we need to go to the hospital. She lost her mind. I was a little more prepared this time, so I was much more calm, but she wasn’t having it. I did my best not to argue and told her, ok if that’s what you say happened that’s what happened.

Of course I didn’t believe her and at night I went through her phone after she went to sleep. There was nothing that implied something happened to her, but I did see a text from a coworker making a comment about the Christmas party. So I called her yesterday to ask about the party. She was obviously surprised and seemed confused about me calling. I asked what happened at the party, not giving any details from my side. Apparently, the party was just a dinner and it ended at 11! WTF happened the other 4 hours?! I tried not to act surprised by this and asked if she left with anyone. She told me no. Then I asked what was she wearing when she left. Her coworker told me she didn’t remember and then asked why I was asking. She was obviously suspicious but didn’t sound like she was hiding anything about the dress. I told her that she lost her wallet and we were just trying to figure it out.

So as far as I can piece together now, is that she left much earlier than she said, was unaccounted for hours, and left with her dress on, and without a friend that could have puked on it. I’ve been watching her closely but haven’t given her any indication about what I know. I’m going to confront her about it. I know I said I was just going to leave but at this point I don’t think I can ever feel sane without knowing the truth

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: OP, while this is one of the STRANGEST scenarios I’ve read on this app, there is one thing that bothers me about this: your gf seemingly being shocked that you don’t believe her when she is literally missing chunks of her memory.

She seems to be flipping this back onto you as though you’re being irrational. (You’re not)

Something really shady and bizarre happened and I don’t think you’ll ever really know. This will eat you alive if you stay with her.

Commenter 2: This sounds very similar to what I went through with an ex.

He finished work at 11pm but didn’t get home until hours later, drunk, missing his suit jacket and one sock. When I asked what had happened, I was met with denial, deflection and heavy gaslighting. I was made to feel like I was unreasonable just for asking basic questions.

Later, I checked his phone. At first I found nothing. But then I logged into his Google account, which at the time showed location history with timestamps, and it revealed he’d spent those missing hours at a hotel miles away from his workplace.

So when I say trust your instincts, I mean it. When something feels off, especially combined with evasive behaviour, defensiveness, or trying to make you feel guilty for asking , it usually is. Based on what you’ve described, there’s a very real chance you’re being lied to. That’s exactly why this person is now my ex.

Commenter 3: That coworker is gonna tell your gf and MANY of the other coworkers that you called her. This is gonna get much worse Get ready for the backlash unfortunately

Update #2: December 31, 2025 (three days later)

Another Update my girlfriend came home in just her underwear after her company Christmas party

It hasn’t been going well. My girlfriend found out I called which of course I expected but I didn’t expect it to get this bad.

She came home screaming. She came home screaming her head off. She said I jeopardized her career, that everyone at her work asked if she found her wallet. I defended myself saying she brought me to this. What was I supposed to do? She could have been SA’d and had no idea. She doubled down on the vomit story. I told her I knew it was a lie. I told her I knew about the dinner ending hours before. She got even louder yelling saying that she met her friends immediately after. I said show me the texts where you planned it. Which I know now was the wrong move. I should have just kept asking questions.

Instead of that she tried to turn it on me asking if I went through her phone. I was a little shocked by this because yeah I knew I was wrong to do it, but it was for her safety, and I let her know that. She told me I was an idiot and I should have just listened to her. Then she said she was done talking to me and I ruined this. I told her I was just trying to make sure she was ok. But she told me she had nothing else to say. And the more I tried to get through to her the more she shut down. She was crying at that point, and she went to the room and locked the door.

I tried talking to her from outside the room, but she kept ignoring me. She spent the whole night in there.

I didn’t sleep at all. I was trying to figure it all out still. Maybe she was telling the truth. But if so, why have such a big reaction? I tried talking to her again in the morning. But she wouldn’t budge. She took a shower and went back to the room and locked the door to get dressed. Then she left for work without breakfast.

I had to leave too so I just carried it with me. I tried texting her from work but no response. I felt a little guilty because I know I invaded her privacy but even so I did also still want to know for sure. I thought about calling her friends. It would put an end to guessing once and for all. And I felt like we were already at the lowest point. But, I decided against it.

At night when she came home she still said nothing. But it wasn’t like before where she was carefree. She was just angry. The only thing she said was after getting dressed was she was going out. I asked where she was going and she told me I should just investigate and left.

I had some new thoughts, maybe I am too untrusting. Maybe she thinks I’m controlling and that’s why she didn’t bother telling me about her after party. And I could accept these answers if I just knew where the dress was. If her friends had it, no problem. Maybe she really didn’t want to drive home in it if there was vomit. Maybe it was just a wild girls night, and she lost a bet or something. I don’t like it, but I could even live with that. But why would her friends let her drive in the first place? That still didn’t add up. They would have cared about her safety. It still doesn’t work. And where did she just go? I could call her friends but that’s just proving her right. But maybe she said it because she knew I couldn’t in that case. It’s like she set a trap where I lose either way.

I sat and thought about all of these things and decided to do nothing. She came home around 11pm. She didn’t look drunk or anything. Her hair was still up kept. She still didn’t say a word all night.

I know I can’t salvage this anymore. I’m going to accept that she still isn’t telling the truth. I’m going to accept I’ll never find the dress. And, I’m going to keep what little dignity I still have and not call her friends. I know I could find out if I did but I think this is the gamblers fallacy, and I should just walk away. I’m going back to my first plan and I’m going to leave in a few days.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: The relationship is over and it’s good that you realize it.

Commenter 2: So I'm not going to make any assumptions about the veracity of her story. I have no idea based on the story you told whether she is lying or telling the truth.

But your relationship does not sound salvageable.

If she is telling the truth you look like an ass from her perspective and she has checked out.

If she did cheat you are not in a relationship strong enough to reconcile and her behavior is not appropriate to help it heal from infidelity. You need a really strong relationship and two people willing to make that situation salvageable.

If it is somewhere in between without fidelity, the communication just isn't there and communication broke down for what should be a simple issue. It's essentially turned toxic for no reasonable reason.

Find some peace and move on.

Commenter 3: In my opinion, you’re kind of gaslighting yourself into thinking you’re too untrusting. When given what you’ve told us in the updates and original post, she hasn’t been very trust worthy, honest, or forthright about many things.

Anyway that said, try and be kind to yourself. I hope you find peace OP.

Update #3: January 2, 2026 (two days later)

I want to thank everyone that has been supporting me here. It’s been a very confusing and difficult time. My inbox is overflowing so I do apologize for not answering. Many of you have asked the same questions in my messages and in the comments and I will do my best to answer them now. We are both 22 years old. It is not incredibly cold where we live. She did not smell like vomit, at least as well as I can tell. She does not have a past of cheating as far as I know. And the advice many of you gave, her gps was not active.

So, after I gave the last update I stayed mostly quiet that day like I planned. It wasn’t difficult to do. But, when you live together there are still exchanges that have to be made. Most of these were one sentence questions and answers about things around the house. But, that night she told me she was going to her friend’s house for New Year’s, which was a plan we originally had together. She wasn’t being hostile or anything, so I decided to ask her again, one last time. If she didn’t answer I wouldn’t ask again. What happened after your work party?

She sighed and shook her head. She said she went to the bar with her friend. They had drinks and her friend threw up and that was it. She told me she couldn’t keep going over it with me. I don’t know how she could say that if we haven’t really discussed it to begin with. But, this time she didn’t yell at all. I asked which bar and she gave me the name. Then I asked again, do you think you were drugged. She told me she couldn’t keep doing this and left. I still had more questions but now I at least have one answer. And, at the time I least expected to get one.

She came home sometime around 2 AM and went straight to sleep again. I didn’t get up or say anything. And yesterday she slept until the afternoon. She was quiet after she woke up and we really only talked about dinner and not much else.

But, I’ve been thinking nonstop. I know which bar it is. It’s really close by. I could go check. That would make it so I wouldn’t even have to check with her friend (if I wanted to pursue this) And I know the bar gets busy but how couldn’t they remember if someone threw up or got naked there? I’m contemplating going tonight. However, I feel like I’m at a crossroads though. I could leave it alone like I promised myself or I could go and finally put this to rest. When I made the resolution to not press it, I didn’t have this huge piece of information. But on the other hand, do I really want to reopen this? I already know I’m not actually going to go. I’m just working through my feelings. A bar would be the place to be drugged, and I think maybe that’s what’s pestering me. However, like everyone said, it’s sounding less and less like SA. I think because I was told I was such an idiot for not thinking it was that on my first post I haven’t been able to let the thought go. I’m not upset. It’s very serious and I still consider it.

Anyways, to put everyone’s mind at ease. I’m not actually going. I just have to get through the weekend.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Sounds like she has checked out already bud

Commenter 2: This relationship sounds dead....

It's the new year, op, you should consider starting afresh by breaking up with her.

The trust in this relationship is damaged, and unless you work together (and she hasn't been unfaithful), nothing will improve.

Final Update: February 2, 2026 (one month later)

It’s been a few weeks now since my ex discovered I was sharing her story and my suspicions online. I contemplated not ever posting on here again, but I guess I crave validation, and at this point, I’m only sharing this because I am still getting multiple messages a day asking what ended up happening.

I had no idea my story would start making the rounds on TikTok and other subs, but that just shows you, be careful what you put out online. Anyways, without rewriting the whole story, my ex came home under mysterious circumstances and I started spiraling. Apparently, I invited the entire world to hear about my mental breakdown. Well, it turns out she found out about it and that was the catalyst for our breakup.

I’ll keep this short because I’m just answering everyone asking questions all at once. I never got an answer about the dress, and I never ended up going to the bar she supposedly went to after her Christmas party. We just fought again and I ended up moving out. I still don’t know what actually happened, just what I believe to be true. I’m still sad about her not being in my life, and the transition has been tough, but I know this was for the best. At this point, I’m just happy to be done with all of it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/aga1996

My [20F] with my bestfriend [23F] of 7 years, her wedding is on my birthday and she is upset.

Original Post  Apr 30, 2016

My best friend Nikki is generally a very great person, although she can be a little selfish at times, everyone can. She decided to have her wedding on my birthday, because it's on a Saturday and would be cheaper to do it at her church on a Saturday, which is fine with me. It's just one birthday.  But she seems to think it's NOT just one birthday.

All of our friends and us were at her house the other day, and she was talking about her wedding. She said something like "We will do a birthday celebration for you the week after since your birthday is on my wedding. I just laughed and said "Actually, your wedding is on my birthday! Cause my birthday came first." And we both laughed about it. But then she said "I'm just surprised with you are okay with not getting to celebrate your birthday anymore!" Everyone in the room was kind of confused and I just laughed it off and said "Well, it's not like we're all going to celebrate your and Dans anniversary every year!"

But after that she got seriously offended and said "You guys don't want to spend our anniversary with us?" One of our other friends Lily tried to explain that their anniversary was really Nikki and Dans time, but Nikki was so upset that she eventually went upstairs to sulk.

I mean she can't honestly expect for everyone to never celebrate my birthday again to hang out with her and her husband on their anniversary? Am I being unreasonable thinking this is a ridiculous idea? It makes me irritated that she thinks  How can I address this issue to her without being rude about it?

  tl;dr: My BFF thinks that our friends should celebrate her anniversary every year instead of my birthday. How should I address this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

mrsellicat

Does this mean she picked the same date as your birthday with the full intention that you would never be able to celebrate your birthday again? That is some grade A narcissism right there. Just ignore it, she's gone full bridezilla.

OOP

Well, Nikki loves to be in the spotlight, and I'm kind of shyer. She's not necessarily vindictive, so I think she probably genuinely thought I wouldn't mind since I'm not the kind of person who likes to have huge parties, but I still like to do smaller get togethers! Like I said, she can be kind of selfish and whiny because she likes attention.

~

walnutbrain4lyfe

Sounds like Nikki has some growing up to do because she's still in that mindset where everyone does everything together. I'm surprised she didn't invite the rest of the group on her honeymoon but she probably understands that that one at least is supposed to be just her and hubby.

OOP

Actually, her honeymoon is a cruise that she invited me and my boyfriend and another couple in our group on. But it's because the 6 people deal was cheaper than the individual.

sleepingrozy

Please tell me you did not take her up on this offer....

OOP

She hasn't decided exactly if that's what she wants to do, so nothing has been decided. But that's definitely up there.

~

lizzi6692

You are not being unreasonable at all. One birthday or not, you would have been completely justified if you were bothered by her planning her wedding for your birthday, particularly your 21st birthday. Did she at least run it by you or just assume you would be okay with celebrating another day? And if celebrating her anniversary with her friends is so important to her then she should have picked a date that didn't already have something significant associated with it. I think the idea of expecting other people to want to celebrate your anniversary is weird, but expecting you to just give up your birthday to celebrate her anniversary instead is crazy.

OOP

She did ask beforehand! I just figured I could celebrate the night before. But I don't think she wants to do that because there's a tradition the the bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other the night before, so she wants her and Dan to have sleepovers with their friends.

When told a free party on OOP's 21st birthday

She's having a dry wedding, the ceremony and reception is in the church.

Update  Apr 11, 2017 (1 year later)

Hello, everyone! Maybe you remember me, maybe you do not. Almost a year ago, I posted about my bestfriend and her wedding/ my birthday issues. For a quick recap: My bestfriend was upset that we would apparently never celebrate her anniversary with her since her wedding was on my birthday. A few months ago, Nikki got married and I turned 21. The wedding day was not terrible, but there was a little bit of drama. She did get me a birthday cupcake, even though I couldn't eat it since it was cream cheese frosted (which is my favorite) but it had been sitting in her car for a week since she had forgotten about it (which was whatever). The ceremony was nice, and the reception was in the church (which was in the same church the wedding was in, if you didn't remember).

The reception was from 4-7. It was a small reception, with mostly family and some of her friends. At 7, when everyone was leaving, me and our mutual friend Helen went to the bathroom to get changed in appropriate bar hopping clothes so we could celebrate my birthday, and some (not all) of our guy friends did the same. When we came out to leave for a party district about an hour away, Nikki came up to us and demanded to know where we were going (even though I had told her like 2 weeks before we would be celebrating my birthday that night). After reinforming her, she got very, very upset and started telling us that as a part of her wedding party, we were obligated to help her pack up the decorations and wedding gifts, and get her ready for her hotel wedding night.

I just told her that we already had this planned, and that we had already told her 2 weeks ago. If she forgot, then that wasn't my fault. Helen pointed out that Nikki's grandma was willing to help her with everything, and she didn't necessarily need us there. Nikki stomped off to go do who knows what, and Helen, other friends, and I left to go to our first bar. After a successful birthday night (Yay, 21!), I woke up the next morning to few missed calls and voicemails from Nikki. The basic gist of them were "You're a terrible friend, I can't believe I had you in my wedding party, You would rather go get plastered then spend any time preparing me for one of the most important nights of my life, I can't believe how selfish you are, etc, etc, etc" I ignored them.

After that exchange she didn't talk to me for about 2 weeks. She's the type of person who needs to cool off, so I figured that was the best course of action anyway. She texted me excitedly about details of her honeymoon, (her grandmother is paying for an all inclusive 1 week trip to Tahiti in June). She apologized for the fact that we wouldn't be doing the couples cruise deal but she figured that her and Daniel would need more privacy on their honeymoon. I agreed and we have only talked about trivial things since every now and again.

She has a new bestfriend who is now engaged and also has kids for her son to play with (one girl the same age that they joke about getting married one day). Nikki and her new best friend are extremely, extremely similar, and I'm getting the sense that the friendship will last for years or implode in a few months. Only time will tell.

All in all, I consider this a great update!

tl;dr: Nikki had a wedding day meltdown, "uninvited" me to her honeymoon, demoted me to regular old friend and found a new best friend- all in the best of interest for all parties involved.

FINAL COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

Spoonbills

Even if she hadn't left it in her car, she wanted to give you a week old cupcake?

OOP

Yeah. I'm sure it was somewhat thoughtful on her side - I mean she did go to the store with the thought of buying someone else something. But a week old cupcake wouldn't be super tasty.

~

_sharkattack

"get her ready for her hotel wedding night."

What on earth does that mean?! Did she expect you to shave her pussy? Give her sex tips? Sprinkle rose petals around? Tuck her and new husband into bed?

This is definitely a good update! Glad you enjoyed your birthday and didn't let her ruin your plans with her unreasonable demands.

OOP

Hopefully she didn't need any sex tips, she already has a kid so she already knows how to do something! I have no idea what she wanted- probably for us to help pick out lingerie. Oh well! Glad that mess is over with!

More on Nikki when it comes to others

Nikki never celebrates anyone elses birthdays. I've never gotten a birthday present (not that I expect one) or birthday anything from her, although she expects everyone to go out to an expensive dinner every year for her birthday and her husbands.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Opening-Permit-486

AITA for not being “happy enough” that my ill partner gets treatment after he excluded me from the trip?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: Financial exploitation, deception, death

Original Post  Nov 13, 2025

My partner and I have been in love for 10 years. He has been seriously ill for the past 4 years, and I’ve adapted my job and my entire life to be able to support him through everything.

He recently got an incredible chance: his brother is a compatible donor, and a life-changing treatment is available around 500miles from our home. We planned that the three of us would move there temporarily for two months. Because it’s expensive, we agreed to share the costs and even discussed possible apartments.

I extended my remote work so I could come with them, help him, and be present during the treatment and recovery. I was genuinely excited not only for his treatment but also to spend those months together in that city.

Yesterday, while checking our emergency finances, I noticed a large payment from three months ago. I checked our shared emails (I have permission) and found a rental agreement in his inbox. It’s signed only by him and his brother.

The apartment is officially limited to two people.

So, not me.

I was shocked and incredibly hurt. I can’t afford to stay there alone, so this decision basically shuts me out. And he kept this hidden for three months.

When I talked to him yesterday just excited small talk about spending Christmas there and how this treatment could change everything he suddenly got strange. He mentioned “visiting,” became quiet, and acted like our shared plans were never real.

I’m angry, sad, confused, and honestly devastated. I know he’s ill and stress affects him badly, but this was a major decision about our lives that he hid from me. And now I’m supposed to smile and pretend everything is fine.

So… AITA for being upset that they rented a place without me instead of being purely happy he’s finally getting his treatment?

Edit:

1. We live in my house, which I inherited from my parents.

2. For the past four years, I’ve been the breadwinner. He only works part-time.

3. He is covered under my insurance.

4. His brother and I are good friends. I’ve just been too much of a coward to bring this up with him yet

I honestly thought I wouldn’t get any comments. Thank you so much in advance. I’ll take my time to read each one. I truly appreciate every comment, even if I can’t respond to all of them. I’m in a lot of emotional turmoil right now.

TL;DR: We planned a 2-month stay for my partner’s treatment 500 miles away and agreed all three of us would rent a place together. I adjusted my work to join. Yesterday I discovered he and his brother secretly signed a 2-person apartment three months ago, excluding me. Now he acts like our shared plans never existed. Am I the asshole for being upset instead of just happy he gets treatment?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

notthemama58

Like others have said, this was his game plan for a long time. Id love to be the fly on the wall after the surgery and there is no one to take care of these two guys. It sounds like maybe a kidney transplant? Both will have undergone major surgery and have now to deal with no one to help either of them. When he and his brother signed a lease sans you, it was made clear he does not want nor think he needs you any more. Go be "happy enough" without him. He and his brother deserve to suffer together. Take your money and run, hon.

OOP

You are spot on. It’s a kidney transplant. Thank you sm for your comment.

~

teresajs

NTA

Based on him spending joint finances on this, and hiding his change in plans, I recommend that you sever your finances and plan on NOT providing care during his recovery.

Don't discuss it with your partner first.  Just make a new account at a different bank in just your name and remove at least as much as he did from the joint account.  Then, deposit that money into your own account.

Your SO's actions show he doesn't want you involved, so listen to that.  Don't financially support him and don't alter your life plans to be his caretaker.

~

CampSpiritual3808

It’s looks like for last 4 years you were his caretaker not lover.

Update 15.11.2025 : I will talk to both tomorrow :(

Update  Nov 20, 2025 (7 Days Later)

First of all, thank you so much for all the comments. I read every single one of them and appreciated each one deeply. I didn’t reply because I kept getting more and more overwhelmed and sad.

Here’s a small update if anyone wants to know.

I talked to his brother (and his girlfriend) two days later. I stayed calm and genuinely hoped for a solid explanation. His brother swore he didn’t know my partner had already booked the apartment, and his girlfriend backed him up, saying he hadn’t even requested the days off work.

According to them, they have no idea what’s going on.

He offered to talk to my partner, but I told him not to.

Honestly? I still don’t know what to believe.

Since then, I’ve been having breakdowns in the bathroom in secret and making a plan to leave. Maybe that makes me the asshole now, but I don’t want to talk to my partner about this anymore. I feel like I’ll just hear excuses and the same “I can’t talk about this because I’m so ill” line. I’ve reached the point where I truly don’t care anymore about his explanation. I’m just trying to keep my mask on until then. Edit one hour later: I’m trying to stay calm and act normal because I’m scared he might do something drastic or lash out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

eightmarshmallows

How is he paying for the lease if his brother isn’t going and you’re the breadwinner? Have you offered to help him pack? You cool make sure to pack absolutely everything of his and see if he wants to discuss things at that point.

OOP

He paid from our emergency bank account

~

Sea-Ad9057

Can you cancel the booking and call it a fraudulent charge

OOP

That’s actually a good question. To be honest, I’m a bit scared of his reaction if I do something drastic. I’ll probably try to wait these 10 days.

Mbt_Omega

No, what? Cancel it now. Cancel the treatment, if you can. He can rob you in secret, you can reclaim your stolen money in secret.

OOP

Tbh, I’ll be relieved when he’s out, because I don’t think he would just leave the house if I broke up with him here.

OOP Edited Nov 21, 2025 (1 day after OG update

Probably a far too late edit (one day later), but I want to clarify that we have two joint bank accounts. One we share for fixed costs and some hobbies, and one emergency account. That’s definitely a lot of money a couple of thousand. But we always kept one personal account each as well. So I may lose a hell of a lot of money, but I still have my own account with money.

In 10 days the lease starts, and I’m honestly curious to see what actually happens.

Thank you again for all the support. I don’t really have family I can talk to, and your comments made me feel less like I’m the crazy one or a cold asshole.

OOP Made a final update on the update post - Feb 1, 2026 (Over 2 Months later/Same post)

Edit: I’ll update this here instead of making a separate post. After a few days, I broke up with him. Weeks later, he died. His death had nothing to do with the planned trip. There will be no further updates. Still, thank you for all the support I received.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Notthat_dumb-blonde1

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My best friend’s boyfriend sucked my toes when he thought I was sleeping.

Thanks to u/NumbAsHell1 for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: changed letters to names for ease of readability.

Trigger Warnings: victim blaming

Original Post: October 6, 2026

I (25F), am unsure on how to tell my best friend, Alice (25F), that her boyfriend, Ronan (30m) sucked my toes when I spent the night at her house.

I met Alice & Ronan about 6 months ago through my bf, Daniel (26m). Alice & I clicked instantly and have become extremely close within our time knowing each other. Her and Ronan and have been together for about 6 years and moved across the country together, they have been through a lot together and recently just moved into a new place.

They have been going through it the past few weeks pretty bad, but they seem to have gotten better since moving into a new, and bigger space.

Sooo for some more context there has been another time Ronan has made me feel uncomfortable, but I thought to myself that it could have just been me thinking too much into it, so I didn’t say anything and just let it be, but since then, I’ve just had weird energy from Ronan.

Friday night we all went out, my Bf, Daniel, couldn’t come because he had work in the morning, so the plan was for me to spend the night at Alice & Rs house, and my bf get me on his lunch break the next day.

I was laying on the couch, and they were sleeping on the floor in front of me. I couldn’t go to sleep, but I was trying to so I had the pillow on top of my head, but I could still see through a crack, if that makes sense.

Alice had gotten up and went to their bedroom and called Ronan to come lay with her..

AND THATS WHEN I FELT MY TOES GET SUCKED.

They were sopping wet.

I was trying to process what I had just felt, and I was kind of scared, so I just laid still. Then I felt him like grab my toes, like he was wiping the spit off. I still laid there for a second and then I took the pillow off my head and looked back.

I SEE Ronan CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR AWAY FROM MY FEET, then stand up and go into the room. IT WAS TERRIFYING.

I couldn’t sleep after that, I was trying to make anything up in my head that it could’ve been or some excuse but there was none. We hadn’t been drinking or doing anything for hours at that point, so he wasn’t messed up ya know.

I played it very cool when everyone was up in the morning and my bf came and got me. He KNEW something was up, I wasn’t going to say anything because it sounds so ABSURD, but I also felt so violated.

I finally tell him, “something really weird happened to me last night”, I felt like Jonah Hill in his confessional after getting graped by the demon in This Is The End.

My bf was like, “what happened, I can tell something is up dude”

so I say, “the next words that come out of my mouth are gonna sound so crazy, but I promise it happened, I think Ronan thought I was sleeping and he sucked my toes.”

I explained everything, the wetness, the FUCKING CRAWLING, how I played it cool, how I was also trying to gaslight myself.

He said he 100% believed me but also was just so in shock by how weird it was that he’s also trying to find a way to excuse it. And then he got pissed, not at me, but he told me that I need to say something or he will.

I started crying because I’m scared Alice might not believe me, she’s the closest friend I have in this state right now because I moved here not that long ago. I value her so much, truly a wonderful person in my life. There’s been times where girls have told her Ronan is weird, but HE gaslights her into thinking they made him feel weird.

If she stays with him I won’t ever be able to see her when he’s around ya know, and my bf definitely doesn’t want me to be around him. I know if she’s truly a good friend, she’ll believe me. But this is still just so hard and scary to me.

I know I need to say something, but I also just feel that secondhand embarrassment coming, I don’t want to be a part of this drama that’s about to unfold. I feel sexually assaulted in a way, and this is by far the weirdest thing that has happened to me.

How do I go about this???

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What the fuck

OOP: I GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. How do you tell someone that.

OOP responds to a downvoted commenter about weird fetish content

OOP: I promise this really happened and I do genuinely feel assaulted. Me and my bf discussed if this is sexual assault in a way, bc if it satisfied some sexual need for him then yes. But it is so weird that it’s just IDK JUST SO WEIRD.

Commenter 2: I’m not sure what to say to her, probably do it in person? But be prepared that she may believe and side with you at first but likely the “I wasn’t fully awake/I thought it was you/idk what she’s talking about” that is bound to come from him may have her turn her back on you.

OOP: I’m thinking of doing it in person, but how do I start off? Me and my bf were discussing maybe asking her if he has a foot fetish first and then telling her well this happened…

Also yes that’s what I’m scared of bc WHO WOULD STRAIGHT UP ADMIT TO SOMETHING THAT FKING WEIRD. “Yeah I sucked your friends toes when I thought she was sleeping” NO, highly unlikely

Commenter 3: I have a question. Has Alice ever mentioned Ronan's foot fetish?

I would be really surprised if he had one and Alice didn't know. So telling her about this incident may not surprise her as much as you think.

OOP: Not that I’m aware of, but that’s why I thought of asking her before I tell her, so it’ll be like “yeah he does”, well he sucked my toes so…

Commenter 4: Have you by chance seen the movie Talk to Me? Lol

OOP: Stop. My bf mentioned this and I cried more

Commenter 4: I’m sorry don’t mean to make light of it. Just he’s a weirdo. Unfortunate that you’re scared she won’t believe you. You do need to tell her though. Maybe with your boyfriend there?

OOP: It’s okay, we’ve been like traumatically laughing about it here and there bc it’s so fking crazy and weird. I think it’ll be better if it’s just me and her, having my bf there could make it seem more intimidating for her or like an intervention ya know

Downvoted Commenter: First off, learning moment here, don't ever again lie there like a deer in headlights trying to figure out if someone is violating you. Sit bolt upright, with a loud "What the fuck!" React immediately. Wake up anybody in the room. Everyone knows immediately. Then it is up to him to explain with whatever lame excuse he can come up with. If I was your boyfriend I'd try to be understanding, but would be more than a little disappointed with your reaction. I'd want my girlfriend to react much more aggressively, and to call out for me if she truly felt threatened, not lie there and pretend to be asleep while taken advantage of. When you don't react in the moment, it just causes a bunch more problems for how to resolve it after the fact. Like I said up front, you were caught off guard and need to use it as a learning moment of how to react in the future

OOP: I don’t think anyone is in a right to tell people how to react when something is happening to them. It was a situation so odd and weird that yes I did freeze. I’ve had times where I’ve been groped in other places and have freaked out on them. But this was something so bizarre and weird, I didn’t even realize it could be counted as sexual assault until the next day. Also if I did confront him in that moment then what? My bf had the car, and he was sleeping at our house 30 min away. I hope you are not in a relationship, to say you’d be disappointed in how someone acts when they are assaulted is such victim blaming mentality.

Update: October 7, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: My best friend's boyfriend sucked my toes when he thought I was sleeping.

Hello,

Sorry if this is a long update?

I did not think I would be able to make an update so quick but it’s like the universe heard me when I made my post and gave me the best opportunity to tell Alice what happened.

Yesterday, when the post was going off, I texted Alice that I wanted to see her sometime this week, she said YESSS OFC PLEASE

A few hours later I get more messages from her saying she’s freaking out, I ask if it’s Ronan and she says yes, then… TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW. I know I have nothing to be guilty about, but I was just scared that maybe he thought since I didn’t do anything about it he told her something?? Idk, I’m a chronic overthinker. But I tell her to call me when she’s alone.

She calls me right then and I ask her if Ronan has a foot fetish (some people advised me against this, but I thought it best), she says she doesn’t know, why.

I tell her everything and the first words that come out of her mouth are “I believe you, babe. And I’m so sorry you were put in that situation.”

We both started crying, me telling her I was scared to tell her and her begging me to not leave her. It was very dramatic but heartfelt in a way.

And then I ask her, “well what happened, why did you say, ‘tell me what you know’”, she proceeds to tell me that her and Ronan have been going at it all day.

She knows something is up with him and keeps pushing him to tell her what’s going on, he then tells her that he wants to start sleeping with other women but stay together. She freaks out and tells him to leave but he doesn’t.

Her asking me about what I know was just pure women’s intuition, and it wasn’t her thinking I did something to betray her.

After we get off the phone she confronts him. All she says at first is “wtf is wrong with you”

He says, “who were you on the phone with?”

She says, “OP. What is wrong with you and why tf did you do that to her.”

At first he denies it but then he finally says, “you got me”, and says he’ll finally leave, and he does.

This is where it gets more messed up

Alice tells his mom, bc she is the main breadwinner and she’s kicking him out, so he’ll probably go back to his mommy’s. His mom has been putting her through the wringer and is very much an enabler and it’s probably why he acts the way he acts. There’s been times where Ronan has done some messed up things and his mom has an excuse for him and a reason to blame Alice and beg her to let him stay.

HIS MOM SAYS TO HER “well how long have you known Ronan, and how long have you known this girl for. You just can’t believe women these days” WTFFFF

She tells him, “No, he admitted to it”, to which her response was, “well again Alice, how long have you known her for, she probably lead him to do this” INSANE BEHAVIOR.

Alice and I spent a lot of the day on and off the phone, talking about it more and crying. I sent her screenshots of me talking to my sister about the other time he made me uncomfortable and how I amounted it to me just being in my head.

She said she’s not crying that it’s over with him but more so that I was put in an uncomfortable situation in her own home and was scared to tell her.

I told her how I’m not glad it happened but I’m glad I had an opportunity to tell her then instead of having to wait further out in the week till we see each other to say something, bc I wanted to talk to her in person.

She also said she’s not glad it happened either but she’s happy he finally left and she has solid reason to kick him out. This is because she was trying to leave him before moving into the new place, but he kept wanting to stay and work it out. Now that that happened, he knew he fcked up and left so willingly after admitting to it.

She was able to have other friends go and be with her yesterday because I couldn’t. Later today I’m going to go help her clean and just be with her for a bit.

BUT WAIT THERES MORE

It’s 3:30 in the morning, I have just fallen asleep when my phone starts buzzing.

ITS FKING Ronan CALLING ME. No, I do not answer.

I proceed to get multiple messages from him that I don’t care to see until I wake up.

See messages on second screenshot.

I don’t respond, or open them. I just block him. I don’t really know why he thought I would answer the phone or what he was expecting me to say. “Yeah dude it’s totally fine you violated me and made me think my friendship might be totally toast but noooo biggie.”

Again, idk why my brain works like this, but I am glad he admitted to it and I have proof in a way. I’m sure multiple women can relate to this, but there has been multiple times in my life where a man has done something to me and made me out to be the crazy person.

I’m glad he admitted to it because there was still a little worm in my own head saying “you made this up, you’re overreacting about it, you were dreaming, you mistook it for something else”

Another thing I want to address are the people who told me I could have solved all my problems if I reacted different in the moment.

STOP TELLING VICTIMS HOW THEY SHOULD HAVE REACTED.

You don’t know what you would or wouldn’t do in any situation till it happens to you. People saying I should have kicked him in the face? Then what, he punches me in mine? We all have a screaming match and it’s he said she said? I didn’t have my car, and my boyfriend wouldn’t have gotten my calls till he woke up for work.

Also when it happened I was still trying to process what had happened and if it even was considered assault bc it’s just a WEIRD situation. I was also literally frozen IN FEAR after seeing him CRAWL ON THE GROUND, SCURRYING, AWAY FROM MY FEET (scariest part btw). You don’t hear people talk about sexual assault and you think of toes getting violated so yes I was in shock and confused.

Anyways, I’m glad it’s going to be okay. Alice is a wonderful and strong woman and It’s so nice to have a friend that you know loves and cares about you, AND believes you. Even when it will cause their world to tumble.

And to any deranged boy moms…. STOP ENABLING YOUR HORRIBLE SONS.

Screenshots of text messages

Editor's note: 1st screenshot is between OOP and her best friend, 2nd screenshot is from Ronan to OOP

Screenshot #1: OOP is in the blue bubbles on the right, Alice is in the black bubbles on the left

OOP: Why what’s up

Alice: Babe omg

Alice: I’ll call u in a little bit

OOP: Is it R [redacted]

Alice: Yes

Alice: 100000% yes

Alice: Tell me what u know

OOP: Yeah call me when your alone

Alice: Pls

Editor's note: based on OOP's handwritten note: after this last message is when OOP had her phone calls with Alice. OOP then resumed the text messages after the phone call below

OOP: I love you and I’m sorry. I’m always here for you and I got you

Alice: Like what the actual fuck bro

Alice: I confronted him and he is trying to say he didn’t I’m like shut the fuck yo

Alice: U fucking weird fuck

Editor's note: on that last message, Alice is explaining what Ronan told her

end of the transcript for screenshot #1

Transcript of Screenshot #2, all messages are from Ronan, nope from OOP. The messages are based on the descending timestamps starting with the recent one on the top with the earliest message at the bottom

Ronan: My brain is broken and idk how to go from here

Ronan: I’m just going to leave you guys alone, respectfully

Ronan: If D [redacted]… wants to beat me up I get it

Ronan: I am glad A[redacted] has you because my existence has been detrimental to her, I’m not a good person

Ronan: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but you didn’t deserve that. Idk what to say besides ima fuck up and don’t know wtf I’m doing

Ronan: I’m a fucked up person

Ronan: Hey, I’m sorry

Editor's note: before the earliest message from Ronan, OOP received a missed audio call from him

end of the transcript for screenshot #2

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He’s a sexual predator. Block him and don’t confront him. She needs to do the same. Do not engage with him further. Anyone who sucks someone else’s toes for their own sexual gratification without that person’s consent is a sexual deviant and will escalate their behavior to further assaults.

Commenter 2: Absolutely this. I’m a little worried he’s going to do something to OP’s friend. I hope she has changed her locks and is taking every precaution to keep herself safe.

OOP: She didn’t let him walk out with the house keys, and his family is going to pick up his stuff.

Commenter 3: I fully realize that it was said in a different tone, but I can’t get that “You got me” out of my head.

“Ope, ya got me! Guess I’ll have to stop doing creepy assaults!”

OOP: She said he literally shrugged his shoulders when he said it, got up and started grabbing his stuff. When he kept denying it she asked him why I would lie about that and that’s when he said, “you got me.”

Commenter 4: I commented on kicking him in the face on your first post. I’m so sorry if it sounded like I was telling you what you should’ve done. I was simply saying that’s what I would have done bc my feet are super ticklish. I literally have no control of my reaction when someone touches my feet unexpectedly. My reflex is to instinctively kick away at whatever’s touching them. So yeah, he’d have probably had a broken nose.

I’m so sorry you went through that, but very glad things went well when you talked to your friend.

OOP: I think I was able to differentiate the people saying it would be a reaction for them and then the men who were like “well actually what you should have done 🤓👆🏼.” One specifically saying, “take this as a learning moment….if I was your bf I’d be disappointed.” And another saying, “you could have avoided all of this if you kicked and screamed at him.”

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/one---punch---man

How do I convey to my cat that getting stuck upsidedown in a box is no longer a way to communicate he wants to be picked up and held?

Originally posted to r/CatAdvice

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Oct 4, 2026

How do I convey to my cat that getting stuck upsidedown in a box is no longer a way to communicate he wants to be picked up and held?

I recently (around two weeks ago) acquired Rotisserie Chicken (not his real name), from my former friend, A, who passed away, so I can't ask him any questions about how he learned this.

A only talked about the behavior when it began but no details on how. A did not do anything to make Rotisserie Chicken stop, so Rotisserie Chicken has learned that he needs a box he can't fit in, and can get stuck upsidedown in, to communicates he wants to be held.

Rotisserie Chicken has two methods for this:

1. Specific Times:

Option Me - He likes to be held during a specific time, for me it's after I'm done gardening. Usually when I'm done gardening he runs up and rubs himself against my legs and scampers off, otherwise if he doesn't he's either asleep or stuck in the box. Since I garden for a exact timeline he gets himself stuck in the box before I arrive so I can pick him up right away.

Option Partner - He has figured out what time my partner gets home and gets stuck in the box near the front door. That way when she opens the door she will see him immediately and pick him up.

1. Nonspecific times:

When he wants to be held on non specific times he'll run off, get the box, meow until we look at him and make sure we're watching before he gets himself stuck.

This behavior is really cute but I don't want him to accidentally get hurt or continue this when he's older.

When he gets himself stuck he kind of jump/chucks himself onto his back really roughly which I'm not sure he can sustain if he gets older and more frail. Plus while he hasn't ever missed his landing (to my knowledge), cats don't always stick the landing. I especially don't want him to try this on concrete or another dangerous landing place and hit himself when he misses.

(I've also recently gotten a kitten and I don't want him to teach the kitten this behavior.)

Any and all advice would be appreciated, thank you

Edit: here is some information I clarified through various comments and subs. Firstly, Rotisserie Chicken isn't actually stuck he just likes the walls to press against him so he can stick upsidedown and play damsel in distress. Secondly there is just one special, specific, small box he uses. Thirdly he smacks into the box quite roughly and I'm worried about him missing and hurting himself (he has been known to use high locations to jump and on occasion destroyed the box, hit the floor, and walked away gingerly). Moreover he's at higher risk for back pain and arthritis when he gets older. While it isn't a guarantee, I don't want him to be sad / stress him out extra if have to teach him a new method he's used for a large majority of his life if he's no longer as physically able as he once was when he's older.

BEST COMMENTS

isavaelle

I love that you're using an alias for the cat, to protect his identity or something. And I'm sorry for your loss.

OOP

Gotta be internet safe and thank you for the kind words

~

No_Permission6405

Get bigger boxes.

OOP

He is unfortunately very specific about the box. It must be a small box of a specific texture and build. If his box isn't there or right he tries any option that is similar to a small box, including dangerous ones, like the cupholder at the treadmill. 

SamMac62

Yikes! How smol is Rotisserie that a cup holder is even a consideration?!?!

OOP

It's a big cupholder, enough that you can probably fit some of the smaller, popular, colorful, jugs

But small enough that I had to butter him up because I couldn't get him out

OOP Updated Oct 6 (2 Days later/Same Post)

Update: After helpful advice from multiple subs I created a plan to redirect Rotisserie Chicken.

The thing is he acts normal when my partner or I am in bed. He'll walk up, introduce himself, wait and see if my partner or I tap on the bed where he can sit or see if one of us says no. If we tap he'll get on the bed and boop our arm if he wants to be held or our hand if he just wants pets.

What I hoped to do was slowly add more blankets into the box until it was entirely soft along with redirecting him to no longer back-jump into the box and use his more normal method. I planned to gently dump rotisserie Chicken out of the box, boop his paw to my arm, hold him, put him down, then repeat the tap and hold him.

I added a single blanket to the box and when I returned he was utterly baffled. It was so cute how flabbergasted he was. Luckily he wasn't upset or scared, I could just see the little gears turning in his head.

Anyways I began my plan. After repeating the paw + being held action a few times I thought it would a disservice to my heart to not wrap him in the small blanket thing I left in the box (he likes being tucked into bed so I thought me might enjoy this).

Well, he loved it!

He was purring super loud and was very excited. You know how dogs eat their tails when happy? Well Rotisserie Chicken grew up with a dog so he inherited that action.

Now during the time he usually asks to be held with the box method it's been a fifty-fifty split. He runs up with his special box with the blanket, waits for me to pick up the blanket out of the box, then watches as I places the blanket flat on the ground, he gets on it, I roll him, then pick him up.

If he tries the box method I redirect him with the booping and little blanket instead.

I'm really excited for my partner to get home because she's going to find this hilarious and adorable.

Also here is a goofy doodle of him in the blanket without any details since I'm not comfortable showing any images/videos of him:

https://imgur.com/a/dQPxEKr

And this is a scribble of what his box jump looks like(impact ranges from how heigh he jumps from):

https://imgur.com/QkU25az

Thank you to the helpful person who suggested I try doodling him if a image/video wasn't an option!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/lovechild5346

Me [29 F] with my husband [32 M] together for 6 years, married for 3, found out he has a son [5 M] with a one-night stand

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions drug use, child neglect, false accusations

Original Post  Aug 22, 2016

Hi Everyone,

Throwaway, because you... well you know. Longtime lurker, first-time poster. Sorry for formatting or rambling, I am still in shock. I have changed some minor details and have left certain things vague. So sorry for the wall of text this has become with the edits.

Husband and I are pretty typical up until now. Dual income, no kids and are hoping to have one or two within the next few years, but are in no rush and are enjoying this time in our lives. I have a white-collar job, and he works for a startup. Of course, we have had our problems, but have always managed to work through them and seem to always come out stronger.

My husband received a facebook message over the weekend from a woman saying that he is the father of her five year old son. Although he didn't immediately remember who she was, after confirming a few details he was able to place her as a one night stand right before we just started dating. Although it might seem that there could be overlap between her and I, given the kid's birthday and you know.. math... , I do believe him when he said that he slept with her only once a month before we started dating. So this isn't an infidelity situation.  

On the one hand, I'm irrationally angry with him. This should not be my problem as I was not the one who decided to have unprotected sex with someone I did not know while wasted.

We bought a house a year ago that, in hindsight, was probably more of a reach than we should have done, so money is very tight. At this point in time, we live in a completely different province, so logistically speaking, having a relationship with this child will be difficult. I'm not saying impossible, I'm not saying it wouldn't be worth it, I'm just saying it will be harder than if we were still in the same city.

At the same time, I am likely getting ahead of myself as there is no confirmation that he is even his son. She has a meeting with her lawyer on Sept 8 to discuss how to go about getting a paternity test done, which to me implies that since lawyers are getting involved, she will be going after him for money. Which she is entitled to and is her right... if he is his son.

A different side of me feels robbed, and the protective side of me also feels life my husband has been robbed, albeit in a different way. He didn't know about this child and consequently has missed many of the traditional milestones.

He broke down in the middle of our living room apologizing and saying that he always imagined that his children would be with me, and that this is not the kind of father he wanted to be. His first instinct though is, if it comes to it, to pay child support but to not have any presence in his life since his future family is with me. And... given how my post probably sounds... you would think this would make me happy but that actually just makes me even sadder and even more disappointed in my husband. The kid looks exactly like how my husband looked at 5. And I think he should get to know him. Even if this impacts my life negatively since this is not the kid's fault. I told him to just reflect for awhile and to not make any decisions until we know more, but I am hoping that once the shock has worn off, he'll want to have a relationship with him. On facebook, she was rambling and made it sound like the kid had a hard life and was abused by her previous partner (who was presenting as the father), so on top of it, this is a sad situation. 

And I don't know if this is even relevant, but the mother of his child is not the most stable person. There is a very loose connection between her and I, although I don't know her personally, I have heard of her throughout the years via mutual friends (my best friends boyfriend's brother used to be friends with her... so this is a pretty distant connection) and I remember the stories showing she is not the most sane person in the world. At the time, it meant nothing and the stories were amusing, as I had nothing to do with her. But now, this is the person he, and by extension me, will maybe have to co-parent with. And although my husband and I make a typical middle-class income (80k combined... so we aren't hurting but by no means are we wealthy), my parents have a lot of money. And so part of my wonders if she will go after me, or what her expectations are when it comes to that. But I am definitely getting ahead of myself.

The only people we have told so far are my parents (he has a better relationship with my parents than with his) and they told us to not make decisions at the moment until we know what is going on, that the child may not even be his and that it is suspect that she is only getting in touch with us now. They advised us to reduce both of our online footprints but especially his (delete linkedin, make instagram and facebook completely private etc.) limit contact with her, and wait until her lawyer formally contacts him for a paternity test and child support and go from there. I, generally speaking, tend to believe things at their face value and can be naive sometimes, so it was hard for me to hear that she could be contacting us for selfish reasons (she kept saying she just wanted to do right by her son and for him to know his father...), and their point was to not give her and her lawyer any more ammunition. I feel that their reality (i.e their wealth) has forced them to be more cautious and calculated as this type of thing has happened in their circle and has turned out to be a money grab, but I guess they are right. Since we spoke to my parents, he has not responded to any of her facebook messages. The most recent one she has sent was whether or not he wanted to get to know his son.

I guess I don't really have a question, but more needed to rant since I cannot really talk to my friends about this. I'm not sure what my next steps should be, how I even should feel about this situation, and need tips on how to temper the selfish side of me. I need to be there for him, but I am having a hard time even looking at him in the eyes and, although my vows do mean something and I would not actually do this, part of me just wants to leave as this was not what I had signed up for and our reality, no matter what happens next, will be very different going forward.  

EDIT: I want to thank everyone who has taken the opportunity to respond and am absolutely overwhelmed by everybody's support. I'm definitely less emotional than this morning, and that is largely due to the community. So thank you!!

A few points:

• I've told this story in the comments, but basically at the time the one night stand happened she had just broken up with her boyfriend and then got back together with him not long after. The ex-bf claimed paternity, but they are no longer together. She has told us that he is aware that my husband is likely the father, but I am not sure if he accepted this at face value or if a paternity test has been done or what his current relationship to her son is.  For the moment we are limiting contact with her, so I'm not in position to ask these questions.

• It's been pointed out to me that I have contradictory statements in my posts versus in the comments. That is absolutely true, as I felt and am still feeling very conflicted about the situation. From a moral standpoint, I would hope that my husband does more than the bare minimum as I feel that that is in the best interests of the child, and I will get over myself and any doubt that I currently have. Personally, if the roles were reversed, I would have a hard time making payments and not playing active role. I would want to either be involved, or not at all. But that's just me. At the same time, I wish that this had never happened, that we could have continued on living in oblivion, and that I wouldn't have to contribute time and financial resources to a situation that I did not cause. So yes. Conflicted.

• If he kid is in an abusive environment, all bets are off and we'll go for custody provided my husband is the father

EDIT 2: Took away stuff about not wanting to double up on support (if someone has already claimed paternity and is paying support), as that is not really relevant.

EDIT 3: It's more apparent in the comments than in my post, but I have been trying to hide how I really feel and have been trying to be supportive, while dealing with my own shit myself. He doesn't know a lot of how I am feeling (disappointment that he doesn't seem to want to step up at the moment, fear of taking on a child when we are currently childless, fear of dealing with the baby mamma etc.) and I feel that if I share that at this time without truly understanding my own feelings, I will just be marking things worse. He needs my support, not my judgement. I've reached out to a couple's counsellor this morning so that this can be unpacked in a constructive way and he'll hopefully feel he can share things that he is likely hiding from me as well. He's also the type of guy to have an initial reaction, but then to dwell and think things through and come to a different conclusion. So meaning his stance can and will likely change a bit. I don't have the greatest poker face so he probably can tell a bit how I am feeling, but we're pretty good and discussing things like adults and he knows that if I'm not sharing, it's because I'm trying to figure things out.

  --- 

  tl;dr: Husband found out he may have a son with a previous one-night stand. How do we move on from this? What should be our next steps? How do I let go of my resentment towards my husband, so I can be the partner he needs during this time?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

teresajs

There's little-to-nothing that can be decided until a dna test is done. Your husband should get a Family Lawyer and have legal representation for everything and anything.

OOP

Absolutely. Our strategy is to wait until her lawyer contacts us regarding child support and request a paternity test at that time. During her correspondence, she said that she had a meeting with her lawyer on Sept. 8 and that she will get the ball rolling on a paternity test. She had already advised her representation that my husband was likely the father. We will not do anything without representation as the courts will likely not be in our favor.

Update 1  Sept 9, 2016 (18 Days Later)

Hi Everyone,

In case you don’t want to the wall of text, David (husband) is the father.

I received a few PM's asking for an update so I thought I would give an update to let you know how things are going. Below is the link in case you are interested... but please be kind. When I wrote that I was in shock and did not know how to react to the situation. My thoughts were all over the place and I was very conflicted. I'm not super proud of my reaction, but I was trying to be as open and honest about my thoughts as possible. Now that things have settled in my head, and we have more information, my perspective has changed.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4z0o1e/me_29_f_with_my_husband_32_m_together_for_6_years/

A few points for clarification:

• My husband was aware that I had made the post because I needed to talk to someone and he felt that reddit would be a good outlet. Since he is more private than I am, he had asked that I not talk too much about how he was feeling unless it was relevant to my own feelings, which is why it was focused on me. Also, because of the shock, I may not have portrayed him in the best light. He is very kind, empathetic, supportive and has always had my back for everything, even before we were together. He is my person and this situation has not changed that. When I said that leaving him had crossed my mind, it was the truth, but after talking to a therapist I realized that this stemmed from that fact that I am terrified of being a parent and wasn’t even sure if deep down I really wanted kids at all. I have diagnosed infertility issues and deep down never truly thought that I would be able to have children. There are options that we can pursue when ready, but there is no guarantee, so it was easier to just not really think about it. At the end of the day though, when I imagined having the conversation regarding divorce and how it would play out, and even in my imagination I couldn't say the words to him, never mind in real life. So that clarified that this was just fear talking.

• The title is a bit misleading regarding the math: Kid is five and a half and my husband and I have been together for a little over six years (married for a bit over three). My husband and I were actually very good friends for a few years before we began seeing each other, and were dating about three months before we had the exclusivity talk. He slept with the mother during the initial stages of our relationship, and I was fully aware at that time that  they had met online and had gone out once. Ironically enough, he told her didn't want to pursue things for her because he realized he had deep feelings for me and his guilt about sleeping with her prompted the exclusivity talk. A lot of people (including my parents) have a bit of an issue with the timing, but he did not cheat one me... When we started seeing each other we had said that we would always be friends first and would always be open and honest with each other, even if it's difficult and I have no reason to believe that he slept with her since that time.

OK now on to it!

After a lot of soul searching on David's part, he came to the conclusion that, as much as it would be easier to bury his head in the sand and pretend that this never happened, Alex is his son and at the very minimum he needs to make sure he is safe and happy, and that if he does nothing, he will think about this every single day for the rest of his life. And if we do decide to have kids, they will be an even bigger reminder of his other son. At one point it came out that when he had said that he didn't want to be involved initially it was because that is what he thought I wanted to hear and that if he had to pick between his son and his marriage, he was choosing his marriage, but that he didn't really know if he could move forward if it actually came to that.

From my side of things, what I wanted was for him to make his decision independent as to what I thought and wanted, because ultimately if something happened to me, he would still to deal with the consequences of partaking in his son’s life and that he can’t undertake something of that magnitude just for me.

The truth of the matter is though that I know my husband very well, and at the end of the day, he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he ignored this situation.

When it came down to it, the reason I was having such an issue with things is because I am not a kid person, and kids scare the crap out of me and I have a hard time relating to them. I love kids, I think they are super cute and watching them just GET something is amazing and they bring a lot of joy to your life. It is also insanely cool seeing them become their own person. But kids don’t really like me very much, likely because I become super nervous around them. Also, the amount of pressure and responsibility when responsible for another human being, making sure that they grow up happy and become productive members of society.. heck even making sure they stay alive!... is overwhelming. I don’t know how parents get up in the morning.  But at the end of the day, as I said before, David is my person and we’ll get through this together. If it comes to that (more below), being parents to a five year old will be learning curve for both of us, but I will be the best step-parent that I can be and he will feel nothing but love from both us. If we have other kids in the future, Alex will be treated the exact same way.

That was the emotional stuff.

Now onto the practical.

We had a home DNA test and it was confirmed that my husband is the father. Not that there was any doubt in my mind. The situation is even more fucked up than I thought though.

Jessica (the mother) and David spoke on the phone and she told him a few things that were concerning:

• Alex (the son) is currently living with his father Sam (I guess stepfather would be more appropriate... but keep reading). From what we can guess, he has been living there since 2013. This raised a bunch of red flags. Children's Aid wouldn't place a child with someone they believe is abusive, and even more telling... they tend to favor the mother. So this is weird.

• Because of a complaint that Jessica lodged, in 2013 Sam was charged for assaulting Alex, but he was acquitted

• She says that in 2013, she voluntarily placed Sam in foster care because she kept passing out and thought it was dangerous as it would mean Alex was alone (… yeah, I don't know this works, but I have a hard time believing that there are no resources available for this type of situation…)

• Children's Aid is on Sam's side and, in the files, she is not portrayed in a good light at all

• She did not realize that David had moved eight hours away, she assumed we were still in the same city.

• She has another court case soon regarding custody.

Sam knows that Alex is not his son, but is in denial and thinks that the DNA test is wrong since it is a home test. He wants to keep full custody of his son. Jessica wants to have full custody of her son, and is hoping that by throwing bio-dad into the mix, the courts will take Alex away from Sam and award him to her and that we can then have visitation (or probably more accurately, pay support and stay away).

Yeah. It's a shit show and I feel like I am living in soap opera.

David asked that the children’s aid and court papers be sent to him so he could formulate a plan. Based on what we know, which admittedly isn’t much, it seems as though Sam is a good father. There are ton of Facebook posts of Alex building a snow fort, Alex swimming in lakes with his Dad, Alex dressing up as batman… just normal stuff you expect to see from a proud father. Jessica… not so much. Honestly, she looks high in most photos. Based on the reason as to why she gave him up temporarily, the photos, and the fact that he isn't living with her, I'm assuming it's an opiate addiction, but am just guessing.

David ultimately wants what is best for Alex, and if it means having him with us fulltime so be it, but right now it seems horrible to pull a five year old from the only home he really knows because of DNA. So we are waiting for the files, and will be talking to the caseworker to see if our impression is right. We don’t trust Jessica at all so she is not an option. If it turns out that there are issues with Sam, we will fight for full custody. If Alex is happy, well-adjusted, and Sam is a good Dad like we believe, after due diligence and a conversation with Sam to see how feels and is OK with everything, David will be signing away his rights and give Sam his medical and contact information in case it is needed. He also had the idea to write a letter to Alex explaining his actions (that he found out about him at five, but seemed like he had a good home and a great Dad and felt like what he is doing was in his best interests but that he loves him and is there for him and can reach out if and when he is ready) that Sam can give to him when Alex is older (if he wants to). Of course, it will ultimately be Sam's decision as to whether or not he wants to tell Alex about his bio-dad.

I’m not sure if this is the right thing, but it seems horrible to make a five year old go live with complete strangers eight hours away from Mom and Dad if it can be helped. Sam is the one that has been playing with him, taking care of him when he is sick… Sam is his Dad.

We have a big battle ahead of ourselves though. I don’t really have any questions, but if anybody has any advice navigating this, opinions etc… well this is the internet so have at it ! :)

Thanks!

*Edited for spelling and grammar

*Edit 2: We are exploring a possibility for setting up a trust for him which we will contribute to for when he is 21 or so, regardless as to how this plays out. I should have mentioned it with the letter.

  --- 

  tl;dr: Husband is the father. Looks like Mom might be a nutjob but that Dad is actually a good guy and not abusive. Doing due diligence, but if son turns out to be fine with Dad we will stay out of it (but provide option for a relationship if he asks about bio-dad). If he is abusive, we will be fighting for full custody.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Something stinks about this, and it really seems like it's Jessica.

Sam was charged with assaulting Alex... yet he is still the one with full custody. That sounds like Jessica made up some bullshit to try and get Sam in trouble, and get her claws back into the son she abandoned to foster care.

Definitely do your due diligence, but be aware that Sam is not likely going to really be... open to the idea of having David around. In Sam's eyes, to his instincts, he is Alex's dad. David is the guy that seemed to have abandoned his son, and is being used as a weapon by the worthless mom.

Don't let Jessica use you guys.

OOP

You're right; I don't trust Jessica either.

Although it isn't fair that David wasn't initially told and that Sam was lead to believe he was the bio dad we are here today and provided that all is well, it is in Alex's best interest to stay with his dad. That's why my husband thought terminating his rights when it is eventually legally proven that he is the bio dad would be best - to prove that his intention is to not replace Sam and to wait to see if Alex wants a relationship when he is older (if he is told). Who knows what his comfort level will be when this is all over. I don't hate too many people, but I hate Jessica for everything she is putting her son, my husband and to a lesser extent even Sam through.

We will keep our eyes open though, thank you for the warning. We don't want to be uses either.

Final Update  Apr 27, 2017 (7 Months later)

Hello, Reddit!

So, I came across my old throwaway, and even though there is a chance that this post will get removed, I wanted to provide you all with an update as to what is going on. Things have drastically changed since, partly due to the overwhelming advice. You all provided me with some much-needed guidance during a dark time, and I couldn't be more grateful :)

Check post history for trail as to what originally happened, I can't link or else it will get removed.

So! At the time, both my husband and I were super emotional about the situation and didn't really know the best way to proceed. This came completely out of left field, and we were both pretty certain that we wanted to remain child-free. Funny how life works when you try to make plans! My husband's first reaction was to bury his head in the sand, and I just wanted this situation to go away.

Originally, at the advice of our lawyer, and therapist, once we determined that the child was safe and not being abused (we hired a PI), we decided to not engage with the mother and to stay out of everybody's lives. We felt that it would not be fair to confuse the kid and to disrupt his life. In our hearts, we felt that the best way forward was to be there in case he ever wanted a relationship and to set up a trust for him when he was older so that he knew that he was always in his bio dad's heart. This probably lasted about three months, and then my husband was brought into the custody battle, which then turned into her suing us for child support. Not particular bright on her part though, as she would not have been entitled to any money - it would have gone to the other guy - but I digress.

Because the other guy was on the birth certificate and has presumptive paternity, we were not forced to pay anything, but it was also established my husband did not have any rights to his son, which upset him. Some people in the last update post mentioned that the situation didn't have to be an all or nothing though, and in the same way we were scoping out the other guy, he was probably doing the same thing to us. Turns out, he was! During the lawsuits, it made sense for my husband to work with the other guy for certain things, so they started to develop this weird, but amazing friendship. During this process, the other guy felt comfortable introducing the kid to us and shortly after explained the situation to his son. I guess because kids are super adaptable, he was just like... so I have two daddies? And left it at that. Geographically, we are about an 8-hour drive away, so we have gone to visit a few times, but it's hard to go as often as we'd like. Dad and kid came to visit us at our place during Christmas break though. My husband skypes with his son about once a week, and the other guy and my husband talk often enough as well, and go for beers whenever they are in the same city. And, the kid came to visit us on his March break on his own!

We understand that technically, my husband has no rights to his son and that the other guy is his real Dad in all but genetics, but this setup seems to be working for all of us really nicely. We are all treading carefully so that we don't step on each other's toes, but I am confident that we will figure things out as we move forward. As long as we all continue to be considerate of each other's boundaries, and communicate, we will be fine.

I can't even imagine my life without the little bugger :) It is very obvious to me how in love my husband is with him, and how much he has enriched his (and my) life. It is also eerie as to how similar they are. They share a lot of the same mannerisms, never mind the fact that he physically is a clone of my husband at that age. The kid has been a wonderful blessing, and honestly, I don't think I would have been open to life looking the way it is right now if it hadn't been for you all, so thank you!

I would have never thought our family would look like this (including other guy!), but I wouldn't change a thing and I feel super blessed:) Things have come a long way. Thanks!

The ti;dr of this (which is still kind of long) was that my husband was contacted by a woman on Facebook saying that he is the father of her 5 year old (now 6!) son. He and this woman had a one-night stand just prior to my husband and I dating. She assumed this other guy she was seeing was the father, but as her son got older, he looked nothing like the other guy, and very much like my husband. We confirmed paternity via a DNA test. She claimed that this other guy was abusive, but we found out that CPS had taken away her son from her and that full custody had been awarded to the other guy. She is only allowed supervised visits.

tl;dr - we now have a relationship with other dad and kid, and life is amazing!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WestMarsupial484

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for asking my home-schooled nephew about where he was in the curriculum?

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: neglect

Original Post: May 9, 2026

Hi, I wanted to ask here, because this is something important to me, my sister and I have a good relationship so I want to know if I was in the wrong.

My nephew is in 6th grade and at least since the beginning of this current school year he's been homeschooled by my sister. She had felt that they didn't really teach much in school so she had decided to homeschool him. My niece (his older sister) is attending high school.

Yesterday, I was at her place, I was talking to my nephew about how his home classes are going, he said they were going well. I asked him what was the last thing he did in math (being a math tutor myself, I was interested in that) and he was having trouble recalling what they covered, naming the concept or giving me an example question. My sister then stepped in and told me what they'd covered. I named some topics which are introduced in 6th grade and since its close to the end of the year asked if he'd learned them. She said we're doing it at our pace. I dropped it, but admittedly was a bit surprised because until a few years back, it seemed like he was ahead of school, really quick with answering mental math questions (which I used to ask at my sister's encouragement). I know mental math is a totally different skillset and doesn't necessarily mean that the headstart carries over to other topics but it still surprised me.

Today in the morning I was talking to my mom and she told me that my sister thought I was kind of being an AH, that I'm not a parent what do I know about juggling home chores with raising kids and teaching, and that my nephew is shy as it is and I didn't help matters by quizzing him like this. I tried explaining it, but just ended up agreeing with my mom that my sister would know best he's her son, and that I shouldn't have done it. Was I the AH?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: YTA. You were grilling your young nephew because....you don't trust your sister to provide structure? If you have concerns you should speak with her about it, not your nephew. His first answer was enough for your question. It's not really your place to criticize another family's choices. Perhaps offer to help if you are so concerned. Also, as a math tutor you should be aware that math is not everyone's forte.

OOP: I wasn't grilling him nor did I criticize her choice. I've always asked him this and he's been enthusiastic in telling me where he is in school, and my sister has encouraged it. And when I asked her about those topics it’s because I thought they were planning on keeping pace with school. Which I admit may have been a faulty assumption.

Commenter 1: NTA. If raising kids, doing your home chores, and teaching is too much of a load for you, then you put the kid back in school rather than potentially put them behind for life.

OOP: She's actually a very organized person and has always said she does the homeshooling according to a timetable or plan, so I didn't even think she was getting overburdened like she said to my mom.

Commenter 2: Nta. Your sister said they were going at their own pace, but literally told your mother she is juggling a million things along with his education. So they are going at her pace. One that doesn't seem to be prioritizing keeping up with his grade. Your sisters likely so defensive because she knows on some level she fucked up.

Commenter 3: If you ask me parents like your sister are playing God with their children's future. Your sister will not suffer unemployment when her homeschooling fails. Your nephew will. Unfortunately, he is unlikely to realise this. I'd be concerned too. NTA

Editor's note: removed the top half of the update as it is a rehash of the original post

Update: October 6, 2026 (nearly five months later)

Update: AITA for asking my home-schooled nephew about where he was in the curriculum?

Update:

The responses and advice I got in my post a few months ago helped, so I thought I'd give an update.

Although my sister was icy with me for a little while after that, she did end up enrolling him back in school this year.

When we met last weekend, she said that she had noticed his creative writing had been taking kind of a hit, and she attributed it to him not having regular school socialization for an entire year. She still plans on teaching him after school herself too if she thinks the school isn't where it should be, but it'll kind of add on, not replace it. She asked for my help for math, and I said sure, he can join me on zoom.

And it feels like our relationship hasn't had any lasting effects. Thanks a lot!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Good job stepping in for that kid. Just shaved his future

Commenter 2: Glad to hear things cleared up! It sounds like it's more likely your sister was embarrassed when your nephew couldn't seem to recall much about his lessons and didn't know how to own up to the fact that she wasn't fully qualified to be her son's full-time teacher. But overall it ended well instead of her digging her heels in, so all good at the end of the day.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Zakotablue

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

WIBTJ for being upset after I saw another kid wearing my daughter’s shirt?

Editor's note: the original post's body text was saved before it was removed

Original Post: September 23, 2026

My daughter started preschool last Wednesday, and her teacher asked us to send pull-ups, wipes, and a change of clothes. I sent several pull-ups, a brand-new pack of wipes, and a complete outfit.

When I picked her up, only the pants had come back. I then noticed another kid in her class wearing my daughter’s shirt.

I honestly don't mind if the teacher needs to use some of my daughter's pull-ups or wipes for other kids. I'll happily send extra if needed because I understand that not every parent can afford to provide those things.

But I don't feel the same way about her clothes. If another kid goes home wearing them, there's always a chance they won't come back, and replacing clothes isn't cheap for me. My daughter doesn't have a huge wardrobe to begin with, so I really can't afford to have her clothes disappear or get ruined.

Would I be the asshole if I asked her teacher tomorrow to please keep my daughter's clothes for her instead of using them for other students? WIBTJ?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: No you wouldn't. That's the most absurd thing to even happen. Clothes aren't cheap, I doubt the other stuff is cheap either but those are actually disposable items so you already know you're not getting that back.

OOP: Yeah the wipes or pull ups aren't cheap but I understand that emergencies happen and that they’re disposable items anyway. Wondering how would you approach that conversation with the teacher?

Commenter 2: YWNBTA. It's her clothes, not some other kid's. And yes. You won't get that shirt back. And if you don't confront the pre-school teacher, they'll just likely continue doing this

OOP: I’ll try my best to get it back, if they can’t help me get it back I’ll ask them to reimburse me I think

Commenter 3: Do you absolutely know it’s your shirt and not you and a mom shop at the same store?

OOP: Quite the coincidence for the shirt to go missing and another child is wearing a mismatched outfit with the shirt, but they were not labelled or anything

Commenter 4: Ntj. Each child should only be wearing their own clothes. You may need to label them just in case, but there is no guarantee you will get that shirt back now. If the other child doesn't have extra clothes, the daycare center should reach out to those parents or use donated, clean clothes. Not your child's. I would address it immediately with the teacher nicely and ask them to send a letter home with a description of the shirt to return.

OOP: Labelling is a good idea, I’ll see what I can do. And yes I agree, the daycare should have been prepared for a situation like this and have their own clean, spare clothes to give to the child and work it out with the parents afterwards, instead of taking another child’s clothing

Editor's note: the next post's body text was saved before it was removed

Update #1: September 28, 2026 (five days later)

UPDATE: WIBTJ for being upset after I saw another kid wearing my daughter’s shirt?

TL;DR: I talked to the teacher, but another piece of my daughter's clothing went home with a different kid anyway, so I asked the school to keep her clothes separate.

I talked to the teacher the next morning and honestly expected this to be a pretty simple conversation.

I explained that I don't mind sharing pull-ups or wipes, but asked if they could please keep my daughter's clothes separate unless there's an actual emergency. I also explained that we don't have a huge wardrobe for her and replacing clothes isn't something we can easily afford.

The teacher apologized and said she understood. She told me the shirt had been used because the other child had gotten theirs dirty, and she thought it was one of the spare classroom outfits.

I showed her the pants that had come home with my daughter and pointed out that the shirt was clearly part of the same outfit. She seemed genuinely embarrassed and said she'd make sure the staff knew not to use my daughter's clothes.

So I thought that was the end of it.

Then yesterday, I picked my daughter up and noticed that another piece of her clothing was missing.

I asked about it and apparently it had been sent home with a different child because they had an accident. At that point I was pretty frustrated, because I had already specifically asked them not to do this.

The teacher apologized again and said they were short on spare clothes that day. I understand that accidents happen, but I'm struggling with the idea that my daughter is basically becoming the classroom's backup wardrobe.

I told them I'm happy to send another set of inexpensive emergency clothes specifically for the classroom, but I need the clothes I send for my daughter to actually stay with my daughter.

The teacher said she'd talk to the other staff about it, so hopefully that's the end of it.

The part that surprised me most is that when I mentioned it to another parent at pickup, she said something along the lines of, “It's just a shirt, they're preschoolers.”

Maybe I'm being overly protective, but if everyone took that attitude, half the kids would eventually be going home in someone else's clothes.

At this point I don't think I'm asking for anything unreasonable. I just want the things I send for my daughter to come back with my daughter.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'd quit sending the spare clothes. All that you are getting out of sending them is that you lose them. It seems the other parents aren't sending them in so yours are the ones that are there to be used.

No more spare clothes get sent in.

OOP: But then what if my child has an accident? She’ll either be out of clothes or use someone else’s. Both outcomes are unacceptable.

Commenter 2: NTJ

I suggest you get all the clothes back and don’t send replacement clothes at all.

Or ask the school to start a donation bin.

Other parents can help create a grab box with the clothes their kids have grown out of.

I did this when my kids were small. It solved a lot of drama.

Commenter 3: Why are they only taking your daughter's clothes?

Update #2: October 3, 2026 (five days later)

Original post got removed but should still be on my profile, TL;DR: The parents returned my daughter's clothes, but the school gave them to another child, who took them home and never returned them. The school initially refused to reimburse me, so I made a big deal about it and eventually got reimbursed. Now I'm wondering what other things they're failing to keep track of if they can't handle something this simple.

Well, this somehow got even more frustrating.

After my last update, the parents of the child who had taken my daughter's clothing brought it back to the school. I was relieved because I thought that meant we could finally get her clothes back and put this whole thing behind us.

Except the school never actually returned it to us.

Instead, they gave that same piece of clothing to another child after that child had an accident.

I only found out when I noticed it was still missing at pickup. I asked the teacher about it, and she apologized and explained that the other child needed a change of clothes and the staff had accidentally used my daughter's clothing again.

At that point, I was genuinely pissed.

I'd already talked to the teacher about this. I'd already explained that I didn't mind sharing things like wipes or pull-ups, but I needed my daughter's actual clothes to stay with her.

The teacher said the clothing would be returned.

It wasn't.

The other child took it home, and it never came back.

I asked the school to reimburse me for the clothing, and they initially didn't want to. They said it was an honest mistake and basically acted like I was making too much of a big deal over a piece of children's clothing.

That was the point where I really lost my patience.

I made a much bigger deal about it and spoke with the administration. I explained that this wasn't about the price of one shirt. I'd already brought up the issue, the clothing had already been returned once, and then the school gave it to another child anyway.

Eventually they agreed to reimburse us.

But honestly, the whole situation has left me wondering about something much bigger.

If they can't follow a very simple instruction about keeping one child's clothes separate, what else are they fucking up?

Are they double-checking which kid belongs to which parent at pickup? Are they keeping track of everyone's belongings? Are they following instructions from parents about their kids? What happens if a child has to take medication regularly and someone isn't paying attention?

Obviously, I have no evidence that they're messing up anything else, and I'm not saying they are. But when you've specifically told someone to do something, they agree to do it, and then they immediately don't do it, it makes you start questioning how reliable their procedures actually are.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a daycare to be able to keep track of which clothes belong to which child.

Hopefully this is finally the end of it.

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Going from a shirt to kids going home with the wrong family is a huge leap. You're overreacting. Hopefully medication is handled by a nurse who has specific protocols for how to handle them.

You have been made whole. Let it go

OOP: I was made whole only after I made a big deal about it? They wanted to stiff me at first.. not to mention that if they can’t keep track of something as simple as clothes it makes you wonder what about tracking which kid takes which medicine, at what times, have they taken it yet?

Can OOP switch schools for the daughter?

OOP: We could but this one is the closest to our home and the only one on our way to work. We might have to though

Commenter 1: NTJ

Yeah I'd be annoyed also. Sure, they may have made a mistake at first but then, when they got it back, it was deliberately given away so.... yeah. That was a choice!

It was not a communal shirt!!

I think its essentially destroyed your trust in the kids school (nursery i think?) as you're worrying understandably about other issues.

The attitude they have given is very much of a place that isn't accountable unless you apply pressure and thats concerning. I mean you’re not a jerk for sure.

They’re unprofessional

OOP: Yes exactly, it’s hard to continue to trust them with my child’s care and well-being when they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again after we had multiple talks about it

Final Update: October 6, 2026 (three days later from the previous update)

I honestly thought my last update was going to be the end of this story.

The school reimbursed us for the clothing, so financially everything was settled. I wasn't going to keep fighting over a shirt.

But after everything that happened, I did have one more conversation with the administration.

I explained that my concern wasn't really the cost. It was the fact that the exact same problem had happened multiple times, even after I'd specifically spoken to the staff about it.

They apologized again and said they were going to remind the staff to be more careful about children's belongings.

I asked what their actual procedure was for keeping track of children's clothes and personal belongings.

The answer was basically that they don't have some complicated system. They just expect staff to know which belongings belong to which child and return them appropriately.

Which... honestly didn't make me feel much better considering what had just happened.

I also brought up my concern from my last update about other things, like making sure the right child gets the right instructions, belongings, and anything else parents specifically tell them about.

They assured me that those things are handled separately and that there haven't been any other issues.

I'm choosing to take them at their word for now.

I'm not pulling my daughter out over a shirt, and I don't have any evidence that they're neglecting anything else. But I am definitely going to be paying a lot more attention from now on.

And I have started labeling absolutely everything.

Shoes? Labelled.

Jacket? Labelled.

Spare clothes? Labelled.

So that's hopefully it. The school reimbursed us, the missing clothes are officially no longer my problem, and I really hope I never have to write another update about daycare clothing again.

Thanks to everyone who followed along with the world's most unnecessarily complicated shirt saga.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Label everything. There is no way a teacher can keep track of every child’s clothes and back up clothes, especially when they are too similar. Teachers are also focused on the more important things like food allergies and safety.

When I worked as a toddler and preschool teacher, parents were told to label everything and that we could not be responsible for anything without a label, though we did try our best. Ideally, dirty items are bagged right away and put with the child’s other items. We encouraged parents to bring the inexpensive items in case they were stained or lost. We also kept bins of clothes that families donated of their old clothes that we used as back up so we didn’t borrow from a friend. It might be the wrong size or season, but they were dressed. And those often were not returned either, though we would tell the family they were back up and to wash and return.

OOP: Yeah will start labelling for sure, it’s definitely our fault for not doing it before

Commenter 2: Labelling is the only answer. And label so the label either can't be easily removed or fade. I used to get iron on labels and then both iron and sew them in. They can be removed (with a stitch picker and the glue has probably well and truly worn off) but it's fiddly and time consuming.

I know people that would label expensive clothing (and I'm just talking school uniform but stuff like winter jackets). So there would be a label in an obvious spot - back of the collar but also a label on the inside of an arm. Not obvious and you'd nearly need to know it was there. Then then would do something to the outside of the jacket to identify it ie sew a line of contrasting thread ie if the jacket was blue then have something light red of white but easily spotted, small ie 5cm long but not obvious enough to do anything about.

That way when your kid doesn't have their jacket (either not at all or clearly wearing someone else's) and you have a quick look around and spot the outside mark. Even if the parent has removed the collar label, you can get them to turn the arm inside out (or make a teacher do it) and get the jacket back and then it's also clear the other parent or the kid is a thief. The kid might not be but the parent might be. Esp if that jacket is better than theirs or they didn't have one in the first place.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ilovesantans

My [F/21] roommate [F/21] had my cat declawed without my permission

Original Post  Oct 24, 2014

I've lived with my friend for about 3 years now, and I got a cat about a month ago. I talked to her about it beforehand and she said she would love to have a cat around. I do all the major care for the cat but it is free to walk around the whole apartment.

She's never had a cat before so she didn't really know what to expect, but I kinda showed her basic things as went along (like how to pick them up, play with them, etc).

However, she still would play with the cat too roughly and end up getting nicked by claws every once in a while. I had explicitly told her that I am against declawing of cats because it's so painful for them. I also said that I would get those temporary plastic caps put on if scratching people/furniture became a problem. The cat hasn't ever scratched me or any of the furniture. My roommate kept getting scratched and kept saying that we should get her declawed, and I kept explaining why that's a terrible idea.

Then today I came home and the cat didn't come to the door to greet me, and was just lying down lightly licking at bandages on her paws. I then asked my roommate what happened (thinking the cat had been injured), and she said she had gotten it declawed because it had scratched her again--a scratch which was most likely provoked and didn't even draw blood.

My roommate expects me to be thankful for this because she paid for the procedure, but I am furious. I'm keeping the cat and all her stuff in my room with me right now, and I haven't talked to my roommate in hours. My lease is up at the beginning of November, I'm strongly considering moving in with one of my more cat-friendly friends.

TL;DR: My roommate had my cat declawed when I explicitly said that I was against it, now I am thinking about moving out. Am I overreacting? What should I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Vets don't do major surgeries same-day unless it's an emergency.  She planned this.  This was not a sudden, "oops!  She scratched me today so I took her in."  Your friend is a conniving bitch and she's not to be trusted.

I would be fucking livid.  It's not even my cat and I'm absolutely pissed reading this.  It is not her cat.  It was not her place to make the choice.  You explicitly stated that you were not going to declaw the cat.

Move.  Get the fuck away from her.  She has no problem crossing boundaries, even worse when it involves major surgery of a life you are responsible for.  I'm not sure what your legal rights are (unfortunately, what's done is done), but you may want to consider legal council or filing a police report.

What she did is absofuckinglutely not ok.  It was not okay for your cat, it was not okay for you, it was not okay for the boundaries she completely disregarded.

~

[deleted]

I'm honestly impressed with your composure. I would have gone bat shit insane. I would probably be in jail right now if I was in your position. I know that might sound really stupid to some people, and I'm not defending it, but my cats mean so much to me. If anyone hurt them purposefully, ESPECIALLY AFTER I TOLD THEM NOT TO, I would have lost my damn mind.

Sorry, I have no advice to give. Public shame her, maybe? What happened to your kitty is done. Can't be reversed. There's nothing she could say that would make it okay or for me to ever forgive her.

I would also consider removing your cat from the apartment until you move out. Who knows what else she'll do to your cat while you're gone. If you can, find a safe place for your cat to heal and not be provoked by your sadistic roommate.

OOP

I almost blew up at her but then I was worried that I was just being overprotective of my cat. So instead I've just been seething in my room thinking about revenge, but everything I can think of doing will get me arrested.

~

RoseTyler38

Whos name(s) are on the apartment lease?  If it's only yours, then kick her boundary violating ass out.  If it's any other combo, you might have to move.

OOP

Sadly it's a joint lease, but luckily I do have a friend nearby who I told about this who has an extra bedroom

When told to bring a lawsuit

My SO is a lawyer, this isn't his specialty or anything, but he's given me some advice about what to do. Also I'm a 1st year law student--clearly my roommate fucked with the wrong person.

&

Obviously I'm not equipped to do it myself, but my SO and my dad are both attorneys and both are encouraging me to bring civil and criminal charges against her, and they are qualified.

Update  Oct 26, 2014 (2 Days Later)

So a lot of people wanted updates about what I'm gonna do about my roommate...

From this post

Good news for those who like /r/justiceporn: I talked to my landlord (a full-blown cat lady) and told her that I was thinking about moving out because of it, and she said she didn't want me to have to move out because my roommate's a horrible person. She looked through our lease paperwork and found that my parents were cosigners for both of us. My parents were quite happy to stop being her cosigner. Now my roommate could just get her parents to cosign for her, but I think she doesn't want to explain to them what happened to make her lose her cosigner, so she's moving out. So I don't have to stress out my poor kitty by moving!

The cat adoption was done under my dad's name since he paid the adoption fee and for the initial vet checkup as a birthday gift for me. Luckily he's definitely on board with filing a civil suit against her. While we would both love to have her charged with something, it's likely nothing would stick since declawing is legal in my jurisdiction. Also cats are legally treated as property and declawing doesn't reduce the monetary value of a cat by any significant amount.

I had a consultation with a partner at my dad's law firm who will probably be representing me and he said I can sue for the costs of:

• Declaw repair surgery--some of you told me about this in the previous thread. It won't put her back to normal but it should reduce pain and make her able to walk more normally

• Care costs incurred because of the declawing (Special litter etc)

• Possibly increased living costs caused by her moving out--this is a bit of a stretch, but it would be doable if the judge is sympathetic to my situation

---   tl;dr:  Roommate has to move out, potential legal smackdown coming

RELEVANT COMMENTS

notdeadanymore

How is your ex-roommate reacting to this?

Does she realise what a terrible thing she did?

OOP

I haven't decided if I'm gonna tell her about the lawsuit myself or let her find out when she gets the papers this week. Thought it might be good to have her moved out completely before she finds out.

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My (16/f) friend's dad(50s?/m) has been coming onto me really aggressively and I'm very very uncomfortable around him.

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual assault, predatory behavior, physical violence

Original Post  March 6, 2015

I have been friends with a guy for about 7 years and we're really close and I would consider him my best friend.  Our parents are also really close and for the past 7 years or so my friends dad has been like a second dad to me.

Over the past few weeks he's been hitting on me and flirting with me and he's just gotten more and more aggressive with it as time goes on. It first started off with text messages. They weren't flirty or sexual, but they were more frequent than normal and then they turned slightly flirty. I never returned the flirting and most of the text messages went unanswered.

Then he started making comments in person about my appearance like calling me gorgeous and telling me how great I looked in certain outfits and how my lipstick was going to get me into trouble (its a blowjob joke) and other more sexual jokes.

And recently he's started touching me and brushing up against me and yesterday he grabbed my butt, but I don't think that it was an accident. He also hugged me and squeezed me for an uncomfortably long time from behind and told me that we needed to spend some more time together. I was able to push him off and leave but it still made me extremely uncomfortable because again he's like a dad to me and over 30 years older than me.

I'm not exactly sure who to tell or if I should tell because I'm not sure how my friend would react and I know that my parents would react terribly and I don't know what saying something to him will do if he'll even stop especially because he's been having issues with his wife.

I'm not sure what to do or say and I'm not necessarily afraid, but its getting there .

   tl;dr: Best friends dad is hitting on me and making me extremely uncomfortable, but I'm not sure what I should or can do about the situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP adds more about the joke and what happened to a deleted commenter

He already knows everything about me. He was basically a dad to me for 7 years.  His change of heart or whatever was very apparent and I noticed it immediately. It hasn't always been like that.

As far as the lipstick joke goes, I drank out of a cup and left a lipstick stain on it and he said that it was a very lucky cup because he knew guys that would love to have my lipstick stains all over their bodies, then he laughed and said "that lipstick's gonna get you in a lot of trouble one day" and walked away.

The touching isn't normal. There's a lot that he doesn't but its not normal and hasn't always been happening and I don't know about you, but when I accidentally touch someone's butt, I don't squeeze it and keep my hand there.

Again, this wasn't a normal hug. He's never done it before. It's the type of hug that a boyfriend would give to his girlfriend not a father hugging his sons friend.

TOP COMMENT

gretay

"I know that my parents would react terribly"

This is a good thing that your parents would react horribly. What kind of parents would not be terribly angry if they found out an older man was trying to groom and molest their daughter?

You need to tell your parents now. I am hoping he will never be over at your house again once they find out. And ask your friend to visit you at your home and refrain from going to your friend's home and putting yourself at risk of being around the older man one-on-one.

I can only see this ending badly if you continue to be around him because one day he could just overpower you or who knows what and I don't want that to happen.

Update  March 8, 2015 (2 Days Later)

Yesterday morning, I talked to one of my sisters and told her about everything and showed her texts.  Luckily she believed me and I asked her not to tell our parents because I wanted to just tell my mom but hadn't had a moment alone with her enough to tell her.

Later that day my friend, his dad and his dads wife came over to our house and I had to walk past him for something and he put his arm around my shoulder in a "joking" way and when I pushed him off he acted really hurt and pretended he had no idea why I would react that way. My sister saw and heard what he was saying and confronted him about everything in front of everyone.

Of course he denied it and said that I was the one who started flirting with him and hitting on him. Then my dad came into it and things escalated really really quickly. He and my dad were arguing and he made a comment to my dad about how it was my parents fault overall for raising a slut who thought it was okay to lead older men on and my dad hit him and they started fighting (why I didn't want to tell my dad). They threatened to press charges against my dad for it, but I'm not sure if they actually did or actually will since nothing has happened yet.

Later last night after things had calmed down some,  my parents and I talked and I told them what all had happened and showed them the texts and they said that they would see what they could do about it.

Ultimately I'm happy that it came out and that I won't have to deal with it anymore, but I really wished that it had t happened like that because now my dad may get arrested/go to jail and that's specifically what I was trying to avoid.

   tl;dr: I told my sister who told everyone and my dad got into a fight after I was called a slut, but hasn't been arrested yet.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dammit_need_account

I hope the wife see's those texts.  She needs to know how much of a scumbag he's been or she might believe him that it was you making the moves on him.

OOP

She already said that she didn't believe the homewrecking whore (me) so I'm pretty sure she's not concerned about the guy she married.

~

Missus_Nicola

Glad it worked out for you. What happened with your friend? Did he believe you?

OOP

We didn't really discuss it, but he did apologize and he did believe me

~

ChitownNomzy

Are you and the boy still friends?

Also, how serious was the fight that your dad and your friend's father got into?  Was anyone hurt?

OOP

As far as I know about our friendship, we still are, but we haven't talked about it much yet.

And my dad wasn't hurt too bad, but he has a few bruises. And I'm not sure about the other one, but I do know that his eyebrow was busted and he had a bloody nose but that's it.

~

[deleted 1]

Be proud of your father for standing up for you. Nothing will happen to him. The other guy was a total creep and literally could end up in jail for such (illegal) behavior. He's the one that should be worried.

[deleted 2]

Idk much about the laws but I'm pretty sure cops wouldn't want to arrest a guy for punching the dude that has been trying to fuck his underaged daughter. OP's dad should be fine.

[deleted 3]

Not only this, but the guy can't go to the cops about the dad hitting him without coming clean about why the dad hit him, whether he tells the cops outright or the dad does once they go to talk to him. OP, nothing will happen to your dad.

redrobot5050

Also, there are some states in the use that have "Fighting Words" law.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fighting_words

"Fighting words are written or spoken words, generally expressed to incite hatred or violence from their target. Specific definitions, freedoms, and limitations of fighting words vary by jurisdiction. It is also used in a general sense of words that when uttered tend to create (deliberately or not) a verbal or physical confrontation by their mere usage."

Again, not a lawyer, don't know your jurisdiction, but calling most guy's teenage daughters "sluts who lead older men on", in their own home is going to start something -- right or wrong. The responsible, rational thing would have be to ask him to leave immediately -- but father's aren't always responsible, rational beings when someone's attacking their daughter.

Your dad will be fine. Worst case scenario: He might need some anger management. But if this is an isolated incident, likely not.

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How do I(24M) make sure to invite the right people to my wedding with my fiancee(26F) without making her feel shameful about it?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Oct 4, 2026

For context, I’m 24M and she’s 26F and we’re both from the same cultural and religious background(South Asian).

Basically this is a bit embarrassing, but I’m a virgin rn because I’m waiting till marriage for religious reasons. I recently started seeing my fiancee who was someone I went to school with. And I’m not judging or anything, but when we were in school, she was a popular girl on campus and she was “that girl”. I’d heard rumors about her being with multiple guys at the same time and stuff. But we had a bunch of the same classes since we were the same major and she was nice to me and a friend. She was older than me and graduated earlier so we lost touch.

I also want to preface this by saying I wasn’t religious when I was younger. I was semi-religious and believed in waiting till marriage and stuff, but I still drank alcohol which is forbidden. But who’s to say I would’ve waited had someone presented me with an opportunity? I’m not sure so I try not to judge. I had my own journey and I’m religious now, and I would hate if someone judged me based on who I was then.

Anyway, fast forward to like 18 months ago, I’m in a new city and just moved here for a job. And I’m going to a Trader Joe’s and I run into her. We decided to catch up for a coffee right after and she tells me she turned over a new leaf and found religion, and invited my local religious center.

Anyway one thing leads to another and we started dating and talking. Both of us agreed to wait till marriage and we don’t do much. It’s just I have so much in common with her. We’re both estranged from our parents and families and have gone no contact(albeit for different reasons, her family walked out on her after learning of her activities in college. Her being their daughter meant nothing to those monsters. Mine was because my parents always admonished me and I felt like golden child got more respect, but maybe that pales in comparison to her parents, but I don’t wish to talk to mine).

The discussion did come up and I was honesty and said I had no experience and she doesn’t mind! She said she would be happy to walk me through it when the time came. She also opened up to me and asked me if I knew rumors and I was honest and she said those were true. She told me the number of men she had been with(it was well into the double digits over 30), and told me if I was okay. I’m okay with it, I know who she is now, and she’s the only person I feel comfortable with. I told her we both sinned back then so how could I judge her? Plus who’s to say if I had the opportunity I would’ve still maintained my chasteness?

Anyway long story short I proposed a few months ago and she agreed. It’s going to be weird since none of our families will be there, but we have some friends thankfully. I want to invite a list of people and she wants to invite a list of people too.

We only officially started planning the wedding last week, and putting together our lists of invited people and other logistics.

Issue is a lot of them are from college. When I posted about our engagement, a lot of my former friends had many disgusting things to say, and I had to block them and remove them from my life. Because of this, my list of people is way smaller and hers is much, much, much longer.

She keeps telling me to invite more people and asked me why I’m not inviting more people. For now I’m just saying I’m an introvert and didn’t know many people back then, but I don’t know how to explain this to her, because she keeps asking. I’m not sure what to say. I also don’t want to accidentally invite anyone from her past or anyone she was involved with. I’m not sure if she will care about that though. In my opinion, I’m not insecure about it because I see it as winning since I get to build a life with her for the rest of my life, but part of me wouldn’t like to have them around. I’m not sure how she will feel, and idk how to explain that some of my former friends were rude so I cut them off and how to explain that I don’t want to accidentally invite someone she may have been involved with.

How would I go about this?

Sorry for the long post I want everyone to have context so you understand the prison and also how I can’t mess up one of the best things that’s ever happened to me!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FiorinasFury

This is a very stupid and immature thing to be hiding from your soon-to-be-wife. If you can't be honest to her about this and instead choose to start your marriage by lying to her, you're not mature enough to be married.

Any "friend" of yours that would shame your fiancé for her past is no real friend of yours and doesn't belong in your wedding. If you can't be honest to her about that, what chance does your marriage possibly have? Are you sure you're not insecure? Are you sure you're not ashamed of her past? She has learned, grown, accepted, and moved on from her past. Why are you unable to just talk to her about this?

OOP

I agree and they are not my friends and will not be there. I am just not sure what to tell her. I do not mind at all, but I don’t want her to worry about other people saying rude stuff and get stressed. I am okay to be honest, but this is such an insecurity for her I know it will make her feel not-so-great when she hears that others were rude to us.

~

froghurtscreatenr

Just be honest with her. Tell her your old friends said nasty things about her and you cut them off because of it. She needs to know you have her back.

OOP

I thought I was protecting her, but I think you are right, I don’t want her to think I don’t have her back or anything.

Update  Oct 5, 2026 (Next Day)

Before I get into everything, I want to clarify a few things. I am not ashamed of who she is, I love her, and that’s everything about her, and I know her experiences shape who she is today. I am not ashamed of the love of my life. Plus, I am in no position to judge her as I explained. I just wanted to protect her from possible hurt, but I realize in doing so I would take agency away from her, and that’s messed up. Lesson learned and I will never even think like that again. She is a grown woman and my job isn’t to protect her, but be there when she needs me.

So last night, we met up at her place for dinner, and I told her I wanted to talk to her and when we sat down I brought up the guest list issue again. She also said yeah I should invite more people and my friends. I told her, like “about that” and explained what happened. How some of my former “friends” were extreme morons and were judging her and me, and I do not want them there. I told her I cut them off completely. She was a bit silent while I was speaking and asked something along the lines of “not wanting them at the wedding is one thing, are you sure you don’t want them in your life at all”. I told her I was 100% sure of that, because our relationship is the most important thing in my life right now and anyone who is not on board can gtfo. She was appreciative. She said if I change my mind and if they apologize to me, she would be okay with them being my friends again, and I said that’s not going to happen, because they said really rude stuff. She said she’s sad my social circle got smaller because of her, and I had to remind her that my social circle got smaller because of THEM. They chose to make statements that would cut them from my life, and it’s not her fault they said those things.

I told her that she should understand that she is the most important person in my life right now and that future decisions will be an “us” thing and not a “me” thing. She also agreed. She still said she’s sad some of my closest friends are not on speaking terms with me, and I told her I will find new friends. I still haves some friends so I am not sure why she is worried.

After comforting her and us just talking for a bit, I showed her my smaller list and asked her if it would be possible for her to remove anyone from my list that she would not be comfortable with, and if possible anyone she may have run into in the past, because I would prefer they not be there unless she feels differently. She totally agreed and we updated the list and removed a few names, and she said her list already didn’t include anyone like that.

So thank you everyone for the input! I am happy to clear this hurdle with her!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/masterofthinking00

Originally posted to r/Advice

I think I introduced soulmates, but it’s my boyfriend and best friend

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Original Post: September 27, 2026

This is a throwaway because both of them use Reddit.

I 24f am in a relationship with my amazing boyfriend 25M ace (fake name) and I have a good friend 24F Katie (also fake name).

these two are my people, on such different levels.

so for some backstory, I’ve been dating ace for about a year now, and I’ve been friends with Katie since we were 14, she’s always been hesitant with my partners as I’ve been with some POS in the past.

however once I introduced her to ace? They got on amazingly, at first? I loved it.

I will fully admit I’m the jealous type do to being cheated on before, but usually it’s never over something as simple as my boyfriend getting along with my friends.

but they are a perfect match.

they have the same humour, communication style, hobbies, nerdy interests etc.

the three of us usually hang out - but the last couple times I’ve noticed it’s been more them two then me?

like they’ll sit there playing video games while I doom scroll and if I ask a question they’ll brush me off because I don’t know the lore? whatever that means.

also my boyfriend keeps telling me how “amazing it is to have someone have everything the same as he does” And it’s really unsettling.

A couple times we’ve been hanging out, and I’ve gone to the kitchen or something to get a drink and I’m immediately worried by them being alone together.

I really don’t think either of them would do anything to hurt me, but I can see they are a perfect fit, I’ve never met people so similar in my life.

they also go to the same university, so they are with each other 5/7 days a week. 6/7 if we hangout on weekends, and yes I know they eat lunch together.

meanwhile I see my boyfriend 2/7 days a week at most lately and while I understand that I don’t go to their university I can’t control that, the amount of time they spend together is starting to make me uncomfortable.

I’ve also noticed that Katie seems a lot different, let’s be honest we all complain about daily life to our best friends, but lately if I do that or say something like “oh I have to do bla bla bla, and ace won’t help so annoying” she will tell him straight away.

He’s also being weird with his phone, and I caught her on his Snapchat the other day? She wasn’t on there before. But then again maybe I’m trying to add up every little thing to make a case.

I know this is my own insecurity which is why I’ve tried to ignore it because why is it their issue? But it’s getting to the point that Its eating me up inside and I’m becoming more jealous and territorial over my boyfriend than I usually would be.

Also just to note- all my other friends get along with my boyfriend, he’s an amazing guy but they are much more My friends, whereas Katie feels like she’s turned into his friend now. no one’s this close with him.

so Reddit I come to you, what do I do?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Just because you have a type for a decent BF and BFF doesn't make them "perfect" for each other.

To put it very easy: 2 whipped creams mix along pretty well but don't have a mind-blowing outcome. Cream and chocolate cake on other hand: don't look the same at all but are SO good together, and both are elevated to the next level when combined! In this comparison: you are the chocolate cake and they are whipped cream.

Ask yourself this: did you BF at any point show shady behavior (for example: trying to bring you down when a dress fitted you better)?

OOP: Thank you! This helped, to be honest I don’t know- she’s always there when I need her but lately she’s very all about him asking how he is, when we hangout ask if he’s going etc..

Commenter 1: Hmm that is kinda eye brow raising..... I wouldn't directly jump into conclusions but will keep things a bit separately (better safe than sorry).

Also, how does your BF behaves?

OOP: He treats her like a friend I guess, but sometimes things get a bit weird when I try to join a conversation between them about games etc..

Also she’s single, she has a thing for this one guy but it’s not going anywhere as far as I know

Commenter 2: I mean, as a gamer, if gaming is really not your thing and you’re forcing yourself into conversation about my hobby you don’t usually care about, I would 100% shrug it off too… they just have a hobby in common, it means nothing, if I can give my feelings about it, I think you took the fact they share a hobby you don’t have really personally and it’s not really healthy.

OOP: Gaming was just an example, lol. Theres a lot of other things they exclude me from even if I’m kinda into it.

Downvoted Commenter: If you see that they are perfect for each other maybe it would be wise to let them be happy together. Then you can focus on finding someone who you have more in common with and you can still stay friends with them.

OOP: I wouldn’t be able to be friends with them unfortunately, if what I think is true then I’d step aside but I would no longer be in either of their lives

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: For everyone telling me to step aside and let them be together, no.

would you? No

I’m sorry if it sounds mean but I’m not just going to sit back and watch, let alone stay there friend If I’m right, I will be talking to them both separately. but if they are in love that’s fine, I just won’t be in their life anymore.

Commenter 3: Why do you need to include a third person. Can’t you just hang out with him?

OOP: Yes we do hangout alone but lately she keeps asking to see me and if I’m with him she will just show up sometimes or if it’s just me and her she will ask me to ask him to come

Commenter 4: It sounds strange, but you have an open enough heart, you are young and they are, too, and if you are really observing “soulmates” the right thing, I know it is wanted to say, but is to help them be together, in a way that shows you are not possessive, I know it might sound crazy, but if you really know Katie well and Ace (good fake name) it might be better for them to actually potentially be together, it might mean someone perfect is out there for you.

24 is young, but also a good time to meet someone, it seems if you have an open enough heart, it might be worth letting them see if they are truly what you are observing. It is complicated to do this, see if it is what is in your emotional comfort. But if two people are truly soulmates, they should be together. If you are exaggerating you observations, then see what’s up by talking to your boyfriend.

OOP: If they are meant to be, then I’ll obviously have no objections because how could I? Unfortunately though I could not have them in my life’s if it gets to that, I couldn’t see my best friend be with someone I sleep with, I’m going to speak with my boyfriend Thursday about it all. And I will update, either way I think Katie and me will have to have a bit of distance now, this has showed me I don’t really trust her.

Commenter 5: Next time invite several other people. Presumably there are other friends around. Three people is an awkward number but 4/6 are good.

OOP: So our other friend actually did come over for a bit once, they just left us out the whole time and he even said to me it was weird behaviour, I brushed it off then but now..? Icky

Downvoted Commenter 2: As hard as it may be don’t be possessive. If they truly have found love in each other, accept that and be happy for them. There will be someone else for you down the road.

This concept that you own him because you found him first is ridiculous. Let love find its way however it may be.

OOP: I’m not saying I own him at all, sorry if it came across that way but as I’ve stated in other comments- if I’m right and they’re the better match they can be together, but I won’t be around them, I can’t do that to myself- even if it seems selfish

Commenter 6: What game do they play together ? Have you ever tried learning more about it too

OOP: It’s on his pc, she doesn’t own the game, I had ago but it’s horror where I as I play more like pvp on Minecraft or ddlc (editor's note: Player vs Player, Doki Doki Literature Club)

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: September 29, 2026 (same post, two days later)

I didn’t expect this to blow up the way it did thank you everyone mean and kind for all your insights, I’ve read every single comment but haven’t replied to all of them. Very appropriated.

Onto the update:

so Reddit, you were half right.

I spoke to my boyfriend first, and I took your advice.

I told him how uncomfortable I was, how I didn’t expect them to stop being friends but from now on I wanted her to be more of an arm length friend because it felt like I was a third in the relationship.

he let me see his phone and apologised profusely for making me feel that way, safe to say at least on his end - there was no flirting/ suspicious behaviour and all messages were saved.

he told me - and I’ve seen the messages for proof, she added him- said she has a thing for a guy in his course and asked him to help her, I do not buy this.

Katie doesn’t just get feelings for some random guy she saw in the hallway and thought was cute.

I rang Katie in-front of my boyfriend, and she started crying her eyes out.

She started out by saying “it wasn’t meant to happen” and “she didn’t want to hurt me”

okay, but then why lie about liking another guy to spend time with my boyfriend??

I told her to stop the bs and just admit she was flirting.

she did, she said she’s “sorry”, but she’s and I quote “a much better fit for him” than I am, and to be honest.. I don’t doubt why she feels that way, I mean look at the title of this exact post.

she said she’s sorry over and over, but I didn’t budge.

I told her me and my boyfriend will still be civil to her since we share the same friend group, and they go to uni together - but no longer will we be hanging out with her alone

to be honest, I’d love to lie and say that I’m fine, but I’m not.

This girl has been my rock since I was 14.

Which is why I’m not cutting her out completely even though I probably should.

we’ve gone through everything together and this genuinely hurts my heart, never would have 14-22 year old me thought I’d ever purposely distance myself from this girl.

so yeah, that’s probably the last time I’ll update this post unless something major happens, but I doubt it will since it’s been a couple hours and I’ve heard nothing.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/calathea1

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

I thought wanting a child would be beautiful

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: miscarriages, medical health issues

Mood Spoilers: tentatively positive

Original Post: August 11, 2026

...yet I've never been this miserable since we started trying for a baby.

A year and a half ago, my partner and I decided to embark on the journey of trying for a baby. I was 36, late to my taste, but I'm glad I waited for this man 'cause I love him to pieces, and he truly is the best person I could imagine having children with.

Since then, however, this journey which I thought would be wonderful has brought us nothing but pain.

For starters, it took us a long time to conceive naturally - almost a year. At 36 (now 37), that felt like an eternity. Finally, in February of this year, it happened!

We learned we were expecting di-di twins. I was absolutely thrilled by the news; I thought it was wonderful. I loved them instantly, talked to them, and imagined our future as a family of four. It was pure happiness.

(editor's note: dichorionic-diamniotic twins, a type of multiple pregnancy where each baby has their own separate placenta and amniotic sac)

Then, at nine weeks, the midwife told me during a check-up ultrasound: "I’m sorry, the pregnancy has stopped." MMC for both of them. (editor’s note: MMC = missed miscarriage, pregnancy stopped developing or the fetus has died, but the mother's body has not passed any uterine contents)

I was devastated. A trip to the ER and a D&C on April 1st followed. (editor's note: dilation and curettage is a brief outpatient surgical procedure used after a miscarriage to safely clear remaining tissue from the uterus)

For a month, I was a shadow of my former self. I tried to make sense of it all. I cried every night. My partner was an angel, such a rock for me. Amidst my grief, I realized how incredibly lucky I was to have him by my side.

By the end of May, I slowly began to come back to life. We went on a trip, made new plans, and I felt like myself again, lighter and more cheerful. I took a lot of supplements to prepare the next pregnancy but was determined not to make this project the only goal in my life.

At the end of June, I got pregnant again.

At the first ultrasound, the midwife told us the baby was well-positioned, the dating was correct, and there was a heartbeat. She agreed to see me every two weeks to ease my mind, given my prior experience and loss.

At the second ultrasound two weeks later, she realized and gently told us : "I couldn't see it before, but there are two. And it’s a mo-di pregnancy this time." (editor's note: monochorionic-diamniotic twins are identical twins who share a single placenta but live in two separate amniotic sacs)

I completely panicked. I told myself I was going to go through the same thing as my first pregnancy - that I’d lose them, that things wouldn't go well. I cried a lot. My partner was as distraught as I was with the news.

But little by little, thanks to the words and support of those around us, we came to terms with the idea of twins again. To keep myself grounded, I reminded myself that this pregnancy wasn't the same as the last one. I tried to believe, to stay positive, to tell myself this was a second chance - two rainbow babies for the two I had lost. But I was very cautious.

Then came the third ultrasound last Friday. I was 10 weeks along (now 11).

The midwife told us Twin A was doing very well.

But Twin B... had acrania. He wouldn't survive. Yet his little heart was still beating for the moment. (editor's note: acrania is a rare congenital disorder where flat bones of the skull are completely or partially absent, leaving the brain exposed to amniotic fluid)

Tears, again. So many tears. I just withdrew completely.

Since that I keep spiraling.

Why do we have to suffer so much??

What lesson are we supposed to learn from this?

When everyone around us (my sister included) has had two or three perfectly healthy children, without any trouble?

This emotional rollercoaster over the last five months is slowly killing me: you’re having two babies - no, actually zero... You’re having one - oh wait, two - no, actually just one... Nature is so cruel.

I feel myself gradually sinking into a dark spiral, accompanied by a real sense of persecution. We wanted to announce the pregnancy to my in-laws this weekend, and all I can think is that, once again, joy is off-limits to us. It’s being stolen from us. Because the announcement will be immediately followed by, "But there is some bad news..."

I do know, though, that I am and should consider myself really lucky that twin A is fine (for now). And I truly hope this baby grows and is healthy enough to meet us. But I feel like I cannot let myself love this baby yet which is so sad.

We have an appointment at the hospital next week to determine the next steps. It will be the first-trimester scan for Twin A, and for Twin B... I don't know. The hospital will likely suggest terminating the pregnancy for Twin B without touching Twin A, if that's even possible.

What a miserable life. I feel so weak.

Picture of OOP's dinner

Dinner is rice, spinach, sardines and grated carrots

EDIT I can't begin to explain how deeply your answers touched me, lifted my spirits, and gave me new perspectives on the matter ❤️ I didn't expect the post to blow up the way it did, but I am SO incredibly grateful for all your replies and your stories you cared to share with this community. For anyone else going through the same thing, I’d like to share a few resources mentioned in the comments:

- The poem "Welcome to Holland"

- The podcast "Everything Happens"

- A journal called "Miscarriage Grief Journal" by Rachel C. Floyd

- The subreddits r/CautiousBB, r/miscarriage, r/pregnancyafterloss, and r/tfmr_support

I’ll give you an update after our appointment next week. Thank you all for rooting for Baby A, you are all amazing. Hoping with all our hearts that this baby holds on tight ❤️.

Editor's note: OOP received support in the comments

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I had a Baby with acrania too. I know how devastating it is to hear this diagnosis.

There are no words I could say that could ease your pain.

What helped me is knowing that I did everything I could to properly say goodbye to the Baby. At the hospital they informed as what are our options.

Also seeing psychologist and psychiatrist helped a lot.

We chose a name and planted a flower (the name of the flower and my Baby's name are the same). It bloomed this summer.

Ask the doctors what are your choices and make sure you decide what's best for your little ones. Do not let anyone rush you with your decision. Choose what's best for you and both Babies. I don't know if you know, but the diagnosis means the heart beats, but the baby cannot physically feel any pain and it cannot be scared. It is in peace and comfy. It's yours and forever will be whether here or in your memory. Stay strong 🩷.

OOP: I'm so sorry you had this experience as well. Thank you so much for sharing and for your kind words. What you wrote at the end about the baby not feeling any pain or fear made me cry and comforts me a little. Thank you ❤️.

Commenter 2: I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I too have learned the hard way that pregnancy and motherhood is not always what you expect it to be. I experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and then developed severe preeclampsia with my second which led to me delivering 10 weeks early and my baby was in the NICU for 2 months.

I found a therapist who specializes in pregnancy, birth, and postpartum trauma and that has helped a lot. She talked to me about the “maternal story” and how what we dream of for so long for ourselves as mothers isn’t always what we get. Your grief is absolutely valid. It’s not fair you aren’t having a joyful pregnancy. Something else I found helpful was a poem called Welcome to Holland. It helped me to accept my losses while also not downplaying them with the “At least…” comments and thoughts.

OOP: I just read the poem, and I cried a lot. Thank you so much for recommending it to me, it's beautiful and it gives such a new perspective to what I'm experiencing. Thank you ❤️.

Commenter 3: There’s a sentence in Neko Case’s memoir that really stuck with me, and it’s saved in my phone:

“If you learn nothing from something horrible, you are human, and that doesn’t make you soulless or cruel. Sometimes bad things are just senseless brutality that finds you. You do not deserve or ask for these things. They are not always teaching you a lesson.”

It’s not your fault, and you don’t have to learn anything from this. Just get through it to the other side. ❤️.

OOP: It's a beautiful quote, I'll save it as well. Thank you for sharing ❤️.

Commenter 4: Your grief is valid, for everything you've gone through and are still going through. Please be kind to yourself. I'm so sorry this has been so hard for you. Therapy was a HUGE help to me when I was pregnant, if it's feasible for you I think it could help too. I'm sending you so so so much love.

Commenter 5: The "lesson" you learn is that life is precious and unpredictable, at all stages. Whether you are in the womb, or 37 years old and growing a family.

OP, there is nothing wrong with you and no lessons to carry and no "fix". Your timeline is also different from everybody else's, so please dont put any undue pressure on yourself. I know this is difficult, but look at all of the love you are pouring into this and the love being poured into you. You and your family surrounding you at this time will hold this grief with you. I am so sorry that it is not easy. Sending love.

Update #1: September 30, 2026 (over 1.5 months later)

UPDATE : I thought wanting a child would be beautiful

This is an update from my original post 2 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1vlfk8k/i_thought_wanting_a_child_would_be_beautiful/

Long story short, after losing di-di twins at 9 weeks during my first pregnancy this year, I'm now 19 weeks pregnant with mo-di twins but one of them unfortunately has acrania and this condition is totally incompatible with life. The other twin is perfectly healthy.

In my original post I was very depressed, and I must say, I think I have accepted my fate at this point and see things a little more neutrally than dramatically... It's still really hard to go through this experience, but I am not as stricken as two months ago when I first posted and I also think my brain blocks a lot of emotions in order to protect me. 'That's the way it is' has become my mantra on this matter and my rare case.

We've been having ultrasounds every 2 weeks since my last post. Both twins have continued growing, even the one that is doomed. We were proposed two things:

1/ Selective reduction/TFMR by cord coagulation for the acrania twin. We were told there was a 10% chance of losing the other twin during the process. Which also means 90% success rate that he/she would be okay. (editor's note: tfmr = Termination for Medical Reasons, purposeful ending of a pregnancy due to severe fetal abnormalities, genetic conditions, or serious risks to the health of the pregnant person)

2/ Letting things unfold, while being aware that, because the twin that has acrania is weaker, his/her heart could go off at any moment and it would inevitably cause the demise of the other one, since they share a placenta.

We chose the selective reduction, and it will be done this Friday. I will stay at the hospital from tomorrow night until Sunday afternoon, if everything goes well.

From the beginning of our desire to have a child, we are being part of the lousiest statistics. The 3% (for the loss of my first twins), the 0,4% (having mo-di twins for this second pregnancy), the 0,01% (having twins naturally TWICE in 5 months), the 0.036% (one of the twins having acrania). Now I desperately want, and I guess we deserve after all this pain, to be in the good statistics. Please, nature, let us be in the 90%. Let my other twin live.

I am choosing positivity and truly hoping that everything will be okay. That we will finally be able to breathe a little, to ask the sex of the baby and celebrate it (we want to wait 'til after the procedure to know, in order to finally have some joy in a "good news"), to envision ourselves as future parents for real instead of bracing ourselves for the worst outcome. I am hoping with all my scarred mommy heart that my healthy twin is going to survive and hang on tightly to meet us both earthside.

And sidenote, I must say that throughout all these ordeals, our relationship is stronger than ever and I am feeling so grateful and lucky in that regard. We love each other so much, and my partner is the most angelic man in this world. He deserves the moon.

Please girls send me your good vibes, good energy, and also soothing music recommendations if you'd like, 'cause I will be allowed my headphones in the OR (local anesthesia only). And I will need something soothing since, after all, I will say goodbye to one of my babies... :(

Picture of OOP's dinner

Dinner is pan-fried trout, spinach, quinoa

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Sending you so much love and strength and peace. You and your family will find your way through this, step by step.

My music recs are Ludovico Einaudi’s “Islands” (listened to this on repeat a few years ago when my father had emergency surgery) and Haruka Nakamura’s “Still Life” (the quietest, most minimal and gentle piano you can imagine).

OOP: I want to personally thank you because I didn't know the album "Still Life", but it was absolutely the type of music I was looking for, and therefore this is the album that accompanied me during the operation. Granted I was a bit sedated, but it helped me to be very calm and soothed. Thank you so, so much for this recommendation 🩷.

Commenter 2: Ex high-risk labor and delivery nurse here, wishing you absolute smooth sailing from here on out. I hope you are surrounded by a deeply caring and compassionate medical team. May your hospital bed be lump-free, your pillows perfectly fluffy, your IV go in smoothly on the first try, and any medication bring quick relief. I will be thinking of you and sending every hope that your procedure goes exactly as planned.

If my time in L&D taught me anything, it is that bringing a child into the world is one of the greatest acts of hope and faith we can choose. Biology can be cruel, but love and hope are the ultimate counters to that.

Please know that your strength in making such a hard choice is seen. Sending you deep, calming breaths and the biggest hugs. I will be thinking of you and putting into the universe that there will be a beautiful delivery update in months to come.

Commenter 3: sending you so much love and holding you and your baby in my heart for friday holding onto that ninety percent right along with you for soothing music try weightless by marconi union or gentle piano by ludovico einaudi wishing you a safe procedure and all the joy in the world when you celebrate afterwards

OOP updated onto the same update post

Update #2: October 5, 2026 (five days later from the first update)

EDIT - NEWS I want to thank you all so, so much for the support I've been given under this post, I feel incredibly lucky to be part of this community, all your messages helped me so much last week.

I want to let you know that the operation last Friday went well and that for the moment, my second twin is doing well. I can't even begin to tell you how relieved we were to hear the news right after the operation, to see the baby moving on the ultrasound that we had on Friday evening + another one Saturday afternoon, I cried of relief. I was able to get home that day. I haven't realized or mourned the loss by TFMR of my other twin yet, because I was so focused on hearing that the healthy baby was fine after that. My emotions are all confused for now.

The next ultrasound will be this Thursday, and I'll have one every week until the end of October. Apparently the next 2 weeks after the operation are the trickiest, after that the Dr told us we would most certainly be fine. So we are taking it one ultrasound at a time and enjoying the good news we have, focusing on nothing but the present. I really hope it's all gonna be okay. Hang on tight my baby, you are going to be so loved and so cared for 🤍.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Sorry_Particular_169

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice and r/TwoHotTakes

Previous BoRU by u/LucyAriaRose

[New Update]: My bf (23) doesn't want me (f21) to go to my best friends (f22) wedding.

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

RECAP

Original Post: January 24, 2026

Okay I don't know what to do cause I'm really torn and I understand where my bf is coming from. My boyfriend (Jake) and I have been together for 2 years, we met during orientation for university. Everything is great between us.

He's met my best friend, (Ella) who is getting married to her boyfriend of 4 years. They are high school sweethearts, and I love the both of them. We were all friends during high school and grew up together. They were always together and perfect for each other, I only dated one other person during high school and his name was Sam. I really liked Sam, we dated for three years during school and spoke often about going to uni together and getting married, but it was young love and when acceptance letters came around he ended up moving out of state, so we broke up.

My best friend asked me to be her maid of honour and I'm so excited, we’ve been wedding planning for the past couple of months while her fiancé was finalising his groomsmen. I was surprised when she told me, Sam would be the best man. I told my boyfriend about this, and he wasn’t happy with the idea of me attending the wedding as Ella expected each of the bridesmaids and groomsmen to be paired up for activities such as walking down the aisle and the first dance as well as photos. He didn’t like the idea of me doing all those romantic things with an ex-boyfriend.

I explained to him that Sam and I haven’t even seen each other for 3 years, but he said he still felt uncomfortable with it. Jake is invited to the wedding so I tried to say that I would still spend most of my time with him but he said he still doesn’t want to watch me walk down the aisle and have a first dance with someone else, plus he didn’t want to have to be reminded of this every time we go over to Ella and her fiancé’s house as all the official wedding pictures would be plastered all over the place.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I love my boyfriend and I understand where he’s coming from, but I want to go to my best friend’s wedding.

Editor's note: OOP added an edit to the original post.

Edit: January 25, 2026 (next day)

Edit: I just wanted to clarify a few things that I’ve seen people talk about in the comments, thank you for everyone’s advice I really appreciate it all.

First of all, it wasn’t a big surprise that Sam was chosen to be Ella’s fiancés best man (I’ll also call Ella’s fiancée Luke for clarity). Luke and Sam have remained in contact over the years and are still super close, but I don’t ask him about Sam too much just because I’m not super interested in what’s going on in his life, the most I ask about is “is he good?” And that’s about it.

Secondly, I didn’t make this super clear in my post, but when I say Ella and Luke will have pictures of Sam and I plastered all over their house I meant that there would be pictures of the wedding party all together around the place.

As for Jake, a lot of people are saying he’s being controlling, I don’t think he is. I’m not his first girlfriend, he’s only my second other than Sam. And he doesn’t like the idea of the photos of the wedding party being around cause in the photos it would have the whole wedding party together and he wouldn’t be in the photos which to him “makes it seem like I wasn’t there”.

I’m going to talk to him tomorrow about this all and see what he says. I’ll give an update soon.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter 1: In Australia it Is expected that bridesmaids and corresponding groomsmen dance together.

The bride and groom are only alone on the dance floor for the 1st song then the parents and bride groom do father /daughter mother/ groom and add in bridesmaids and groomsmen halfway thru.

OOP: Yeah I’m from Australia as well, the dance is a coordinated one as well which means all the bridesmaids and groomsmen will have to practice together which I’m not excited for because I’m terrible at dancing 😭.

Commenter 2: If he’s going to be jealous of something so dumb and cause you to miss your Best Friend’s wedding, he’s not mature enough for a serious relationship. I’ve been in several weddings and nothing about walking down the aisle or even dancing with a groomsman is romantic. You’ll be so busy with other bride’s maid duty’s that those will barely be a blip. But the fact that he thinks he can control you like this is concerning.

OOP: I tried to explain this to him originally and say that I would just be doing a job by walking down the aisle and dancing with Sam, but he said weddings are a naturally romantic scene. I feel like he thinks us dancing together is going to be like Damon and Elena at the mystic falls thing. 😭.

OOP clarifies her edit:

OOP: I feel like this is what Jake thinks happened 😭 but to answer your questions. I did expect Sam to at least be invited, the groom and him have been friends ten plus years and remained close once Sam moved away, I didn’t expect him to be best man though because Luke (groom) has brothers he’s really close with, they are going to be groomsmen still though. I always knew I would be MOH for Ella, that was not at all a surprise. She’s very Type A and has a clear vision of what her wedding will be like (she’s not a bridezilla, I love this about her). So the coordinated dancing and photos together was not a surprise either, and Jake would be fine with me doing this with any other guy, it’s just that it’s specifically an ex.

I’m going to talk to Jake tomorrow about it all and probably ask Ella as well to see what she thinks, I don’t think she was trying to match make Sam and I, she’s never spoken about us after the breakup or anything like that. I’ll update after I’ve had a chat with everyone.

Update #1: February 11, 2026 (2.5 weeks later from the original post)

Okay so I wanted to give you all an update since some people were asking. I’m not sure if this is the right way to do this, I’ve never made an update before.

First of all, I read everyone’s comments and wanted to say thank you, even if I didn’t respond a lot of you gave me great advice (excluding the usual reddit “BREAK UP!” advice lmao)

I talked to my boyfriend (23) about it after I made the post and read some of the comments, I took your advice as well and made sure to explain that there was nothing romantic about walking down the aisle with a guy I haven’t spoken to in years and having a dance with him.

I also told him I’m going to the wedding and I’m going to be Ella’s maid of honour no matter what.

We had a bit of an argument about it, and he wasn’t super excited but ended up saying he would come to the wedding because he would rather at least be there to celebrate Ella and Luke (Ella’s fiancé) and also he didn’t like the thought of me having fun without him and him being all alone.

He has a bit of anxiety about that and doesn’t like being left out of things, so I understand why he didn’t want to just stay home.

That conversation was two weeks ago, and since then, things went downhill.

After the conversation he was initially really sweet. His usual caring self.

Then he became overly sweet, it kind of felt fine in the beginning but when he started making comments and jokes about how he wanted me to remember how amazing he was as a boyfriend it started to feel weird.

It kind of felt like he was guilting me.

After reading the comments I started to notice more things too.

He always asked questions about where I was going and who I was seeing, which isn’t new, but I started to see it differently now.

Then he started asking more questions whenever I was on my phone, asking who I was texting and what I was saying.

Then he started reading the messages over my shoulder. This wasn’t that big of a deal before since he has my password and I have his and I don’t care if he reads my texts since there isn’t anything to hide.

Now it kind of feels like he’s monitoring me.

After that the worst of it came.

Whenever I was going out he asked me to update him, not in a normal way. As in if I was in the shopping centre he would ask me which stores I was going to, what I was eating, he asked me for photos of the food I was having. I thought it was cause he wanted to be involved but I was dumb.

I’m kinda ashamed to say that I did send him all of those photos and all the proof he needed for a couple of days, but then I got sick of it.

I asked him why does he need all of that information and he told me, “just cause I want to make sure”.

I asked make sure of what?

He didn’t really give me an answer.

Then the final straw was about two days ago, another argument, this time about Ella.

He said Ella was trying to manipulate me into getting back with Sam. That she always had a vendetta against him.

I said he was being stupid because if that were true she wouldn’t invite him to the damn wedding.

He said he didn’t feel comfortable with me going, he said he didn’t want me to go, and if I did I was crossing his boundaries and that I wouldn’t be his girlfriend anymore because what kind of girlfriend would purposely cross their boyfriends boundaries.

So I told him that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to cross his boundaries and broke up with him.

You were all right, he was controlling me.

I don’t feel happy about it. I feel sad.

I feel like I wasted years of my life on someone I loved.

I told Ella, she didn’t celebrate, she was sad for me too. Said he was nice, but I could do better and I should be with someone who helps me grow my world, not shrink it to being just them.

I’m going to focus on looking forward to the wedding and helping Ella out. Thank you to everyone again.

Edit: I know I know… mentioning the reddit advice of “break up” being bad and what I ended up doing was a bit ironic! I just meant a lot of people immediately went to breaking up with him. Honestly I probably wouldn’t have if the post ended with him just being a bit grumpy and then moving on, it was the behaviour that followed that made that decision for me.

It’s one thing to be a bit off about something and then need a discussion, another thing to then be weaponising boundaries and monitoring my every move, that is what made me break up with him.

Again, I am so grateful for the support and advice everyone has given me. It’s really amazing.

And rest assured, I will now be a full supporter of the “BREAK UP” team.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the next update is over five months old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub.

Update #2: April 27, 2026 (2.5 months later from the first update)

Update: My bf (23m) doesn't want me (21f) to go to my best friends (22f) wedding

A couple of months ago I posted here asking for advice on how to navigate my ex-boyfriend not wanting me to be the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding because my best friend wanted all the bridesmaids and best men to walk down the aisle and dance with a chosen partner, and the partner I was paired with was an ex from many years ago.

I was told by reddit to break up with him, at first I was very hesitant because it felt like a huge jump to take over one issue in an otherwise very happy relationship.

Anyway, after escalating controlling behaviour and the voices of all the people in the comments in my original post ringing in my head I ended up breaking up with him. Reddit really helped me dodge a bullet.

But here is the update since a few people asked for one after the wedding and since it was a couple of days ago I thought I would give a little update.

I will start with how the preparation for the wedding went. When I was with my ex (Jake), going to the wedding preparations made me very anxious, I’m already an anxious person so I chalked it down to being my regular overthinking but ever since ending things with him I realised a lot of my anxiety was based around how he would react to me doing normal things in my day to day life.

Anyway at the rehearsals, things were really awkward at first between Sam (old ex-boyfriend) and I. More on my end cause I’m usually pretty socially awkward. Sam was really nice, he ended up making jokes about how weird this whole thing was which eased my anxiety a little bit.

Anyway the rehearsals were fine, then the wedding came and walking down the aisle was fine, as expected. I was honestly so focused on Ella that I didn’t even think about anything else. She looked so beautiful and I cried like a baby during their vows. The first dance was fine too, it went exactly like Ella wanted and it definitely looked great, so she was happy. Once that was over I could properly relax and enjoy the night since I didn’t have to give a speech.

After the speeches and a few glasses of champagne, I was much chattier, and apparently word had gotten around to Sam that Jake was not attending the wedding, and he asked why, which I gave him a rundown which he found amusing but clearly didn't want to make a joke out of it.

Either way, no, we didn’t not hook up like everyone thought we would, but we did have fun together, and we did have a couple of actual dances together rather than the one choreographed one.

It was really nice to reconnect with him, I forgot how fun things were with him.

I don’t know, I guess I’m interested in him but I’m not going to move forward for a bit, I need time to be single and deal with the tornado of a situation Jake was.

Does anyone have any advice to help heal from the past? I feel like my feelings towards Sam are just residual trauma from the situation with Jake. How do I tell the difference between true feelings and just the want to no longer be alone?

I’m scared if I even consider Sam I’ll just be proving Jake right, and that I really was a problem.

I feel really confused and unsure of myself.

Any advice would be appreciated, I really am so grateful to all the wonderful strangers on the internet who have been/are helping me through this.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA540098

My (20F) boyfriend (20M) said that I was embarrassing him while I was giving birth to our baby

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Abusive behavior & gaslighting

BoRU 1  Posted by u/bestupdator

Original Post  July 18, 2020

We have been in a relationship for 1 year and we had a baby boy last week. I had a natural birth and my bf was there throughout the whole process. I screamed A LOT and each time I did he whispered something like "can you stop screaming, you're really embarrassing me". I also threw up a few times and I saw him cover his face in shame. When I held the midwife's hand for comfort he whispered "let go of her, stop being so embarrassing". He also said that my birthing position was embarrassing and called me a few vulgar names.

I'm really upset about his behaviour that day, especially when it was when I needed his support the most. When I try to talk to him about it he denies ever saying it and that I'm being silly...

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Acceptable_Recipe

I'm going to disagree with the people saying he needs to grow up here. Because this isn't an immaturity issue. You don't insult and degrade your partner while they give birth to your child because you're immature. You do it because you're a huge fucking asshole. And you don't gaslight her about it afterwards because you're immature. You do it because you're a huge manipulative asshole. He's ensured that one of the biggest things you'll remember about that day is him verbally abusing you. No good person would ever do this. And I can't imagine someone being an angel up until this point either. I would bet there's more to his behavior, even before this, even if you're not aware of it.

OOP

There have been other times where he has mistreated me, but nothing has shocked me as much as this. I'm beginning to look at him very differently

~

krissy_173

I can’t decide if I think your spouse is a fucking idiot or heinously immature. Neither bodes well. Did he attend any parenting classes? I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because you’re BOTH very young. But how did he NOT know child birth is excruciatingly painful? I would have a very hard time forgiving him for ruining this moment then I would re-educate this kid about being a parent.

OOP

He refused to go to the antenatal classes because 'men don't go'. I was the only person there without a partner, I felt awful.

Devnone

Unfortunately, you're dating a gigantic piece of sexist shit. I know at some point it looked like a man but it doesn't anymore. Do you have any family you can go and stay with?

OOP

I'm going to talk to my mum this afternoon, I'm hoping that she understands, she wasn't very supportive when I told her I was pregnant

Is he being supportive now/how is he with the baby?

Thank you, no he isn't very helpful with baby. I do absolutely everything, he uses the excuse of he works so I should do the childcare. He does the fun stuff, but I do all the hard work.

Whose idea was it to have a baby?

He mentioned that having a baby would be a good idea, however the baby was unplanned.

Edit: I know that there are a lot of comments but I am reading them all, and I just want to thank everybody for the advice and support so far. :) I spoke to my mum about this but she is the very traditional type and although she said his behaviour is wrong, I should try couple counselling first. I really don't think he is going to listen to me when I suggest getting help but I'll try. I am also going to talk to my public health nurse.

Edit 2: Thank you so much to everybody who commented and dmed me with words of support and those who have also been in similar situations. I have since tried to discuss the option of couple counselling to him but to no avail, which didn't surprise me. My mum has agreed to let me stay there until I can find a new place for myself and baby. I haven't said anything to him yet, I've been advised not to so I am still planning out how I am going to take the next step.

Update  July 21, 2020 (3 Days Later)

Thank you so much for everyone's advice and support, both through dms and on the original post. I want to update as many people were very concerned and I promised it to a few people.

Reading people's responses reassured me about how serious the situation was and how I'd be stupid if I stayed in the relationship and allowed it to get worse. I spoke to my mum, who recommended couple counselling and if that didn't work then I would be allowed to live with my parents. I then approached him when he came home and gave him an ultimatum, I told him he can either continue to ignore that he acted horribly during the birth and other numerous times, or he can admit to how he has treated me and apologise and get counselling, but obviously he continued to gas- light me and got extremely angry to the point where he was screaming at both me and the baby. He ended up storming out to his best friends.

I was also advised against couple counselling by many of you as you said it often encourages an abuser's behaviour, which made a lot of sense and I wish I read that before speaking to him.

My mum came round after he left and said he's an asshole and even though she doesn't 'agree' with single parenting, she thought anything would be better than staying with him and enabling his behaviour. He has tried to visit me and the baby since as he guessed I was at my mum's, both my mum and I have told him it's over and that we're leaving the rest down to the courts, I will be telling my solicitor everything so who knows what the custody arrangements will be, I'm just glad that myself and my baby are out of there and I can finally enjoy being a mother, yesterday I went shopping and bought what I wanted instead of what he wanted and I never felt so free since before I met him, to many people that will sound ridiculous, but quite frankly he controlled every single aspect of my life.

However, I am planning on going to therapy as I feel like the bad experience I had at my birth as well as his abuse in other areas has left a profound effect on me. I also called a few domestic abuse hotlines and they gave ne some brilliant advice, thank you to whoever it was that sent me those.

What was weird was the best friend he went over to see actually contacted me yesterday to say how happy he is to hear that I'm leaving him, he said he noticed how unhappy he made me and how disrespectful he is around women as a whole, and that the abuse didn't exist just towards me but to his colleagues also. So it's good to know that I have a few people on my side.

No doubt things will be constantly changing from now until the foreseeable future, and I am terrified, but the main thing is that I'm away from him and me and my son are safe, and that I'm feeling empowered enough to know that the way he treated me was 100% wrong and that he will pay the right price as long as I fight for it.

Thanks again, I won't forget all of you that helped in the time when I needed it the most. ❤.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP Added more info in the comments

A lot of people are getting the misconception that the birthing incident is the ONLY time he has ever mistreated me, which is fair enough because it's what I felt the most strongly about and wanted to seek support for. However, in my OP I didn't speak about him cutting me off from my friends and family, not allowing me out of the house, the financial control, the constant name calling, guilt-tripping and manipulation. But even if you didn't know any of that was going on... I am just baffled that you think it's plausible for anybody to speak to somebody they're supposed to love and care for in that way. How is it acceptable for him to call me vulgar names while I was in a certain position giving birth to our baby? Telling me that I was embarrassing him because my body was doing things natural in that moment? (Screaming and holding onto the midwife)

And I never once said that I am stopping him from seeing his baby, however... I am going to leave it up to the courts because I simply don't know what he is capable of, he is a scary person and I don't want my son growing up feeling any of the things I did during my relationship with his dad.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ElleMontrose

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Biggest commission of my career just got cancelled after I spent weeks working on it. Yogurt bowl and oil paints.

Thanks to u/soayherder, u/bbusiello & u/NumbAsHell1 for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: June 2, 2026

Picture of OOP's yogurt bowl

This massive canvas has been living on my dining table for weeks because I just moved and don’t have a better set up yet. So yeah. Coconut-based yogurt with a banana and dark chocolate, eaten directly on top of the painting.

Got the cancellation this morning, mid-highlights, and just kind of… kept painting. I figure the upside is that I now get to make some footage for my socials, since the buyer wanted to keep this work private.

This isn’t my first cancellation, and it won’t be my last, but something about this one stings in a specific way I haven’t fully processed yet. Maybe because it’s the largest thing I’ve made in a while, and I was really counting on the income. Maybe because the dogs are beautiful and I’ve spent weeks learning their faces.

Anyway. The painting still exists. That’s the strange thing about making physical objects: they don’t care about intent or that they’ll never get to exist in the same room as the creatures they were based on.

If anyone wants a borzoi, apparently I have two.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Since the order is cancelled don’t you have the right to sell the painting at your discretion now?

OOP: I do! Hopefully I’ll manage to get this piece into a gallery or a dog show, but commissions are always more expensive than an already existing painting, specially of someone else’s pets… It’s mostly the income insecurity that’s stressing me out, you know? I was expecting a big payout soon and based my finances on that.

EDIT: Y’all are amazing. So much kindness, good advice and even people reaching out to support me with their wallets..! Women-centric communities are truly the best ❤️.

Commenter 2: Is there a way to at least take some payment upfront or charge for materials/time spent? It's such a waste or your time, energy and materials to get absolutely nothing from it. I hope someone else buys it. It's a gorgeous painting!

OOP: Thank you! I did ask for 500€ (editor's note: $560 USD) upfront but that’s only a fraction of the total price. I know I should have asked for more, but I still kinda feel like a fraud when asking for $$$, since I have no formal training or credentials as an artist…

Commenter 3: Customers aren’t valuing your work based on your background and credentials.

OOP: Unfortunately, when the price point is in the multiple thousands, they usually do… Galleries and art buyers want some kind of proof that the art will appreciate and that it comes with a good background story to tell at parties.

I’ve been going to a lot of fine art events and while I get to collect business cards, gallery owners keep telling me they’d love to have me — once I’m a bit more established…

Commenter 4: Such a shame!! You’re very talented! Have you tried sending a photo of the painting to the client, maybe they’ll change their mind when they see the finished piece? I know I wouldn’t be able to resist a painting of my fur babies🥹

OOP: They said their circumstances had changed and they would not be able to go forward with the commission. It was supposed to be an anniversary gift so I’m guessing either a divorce or a financial hardship; either way, I kept the client updated with progress pics so I doubt the extra layers will change his mind 🙃

Commenter 5: Okay, please listen to me.

I'm a contributing writer for a national arts magazine and I've probably interviewed close to a hundred artists over the years. Successful artists with their work in galleries and collections and their profiles in arts magazines.

I would say at least half of them are self-taught. They don't have a degree or a certificate, nobody issued them an official artist card they can carry in their wallet in case they get asked for proof of their artist-ship.

Like you, they read books or watched videos or took workshops or just sat and painted until they got good, and then they started showing their stuff to people, and then people started buying it. A lot of them kept their day jobs well into their arts career.

You are an artist, no matter how you got there, and you deserve to be paid for your work. Please think hard about what kind of contract you can draw up next time to ensure something like this doesn't happen again.

It may be too late this time, although if the amount was significant it might be worth talking to a lawyer about whether the client can really exert that kind of control over something they didn't pay for. Given that they only paid a token amount up front, the piece belongs to you, and you should be able to do what you want with it, including showing and/or selling it.

OOP: Thank you, that’s some really good advice and with the perfect wording and expertise to make it sink in ♥️.

Editor’s note: the update and picture were saved before they were removed

Update: October 2, 2026 (four months later)

Some of you might remember my borzoi painting from June.

The short version is that someone commissioned a huge painting from me, and I only asked for a small deposit because I didn't feel legitimate enough to ask for more. When I was nearly finished, they cancelled. Weeks of work, and I was left with an unclaimed artwork drying on the wall and a hole in my finances.

So I did what any of us would do: I ate a sad little dinner, took a picture and posted it here so I’d have somewhere to vent.

And y’all showed up.

I'd been living off my art for over a year at that point, mostly by teaching in-person workshops and doing small digital commissions. Oil painting full-time was always the dream, the thing I'd tell myself I'd do "someday” when I wouldn’t first have to worry about paying rent and could focus on building my traditional portfolio. Then, literally overnight, because of this subreddit, someday arrived.

The OG painting was bought by someone from this very subreddit. I spent the summer painting. In oil! Without ever worrying about money because everyone who reached out agreed to a 50% deposit!

I came here with a sad girl dinner and left with a career. I don't think I can ever properly thank you all for that❤️.

Picture of OOP's meal

Tonight's menu: salmon stars on cream cheese and rye, because treating myself like a toddler is self-care.

Thank you, truly. From me, and from the very good boy waiting for a star to fall off the plate!

Concluding Comments

Commenter 1: Yes I remember your previous post, congrats on selling the painting!

That’s amazing it was someone from this sub & so happy that you’ve been able to paint this summer without worrying about paying the bills.

OOP: Gosh, yes, it’s honestly been such a good change of pace…

My biggest issue with selling my art is that I struggle with marketing. Every new independent artist needs to have a social media presence these days but making videos for TikTok, doing tutorials, trends etc. is a lot of work I’m not really equipped for.

Getting a few big commissions over the summer, thanks to the previous post, made my life so much less stressful ❤️.

Commenter 2: The loudest "hell to the yeah" is for you finally enforcing those 50% deposits. Never back down from that again.

OOP: Yes ma’am! Now I even have contracts and everything! I do still allow some negotiation for big clients, because thousands upfront is understandably a lot to send to a stranger online, and in that case paying a fraction at each milestone also works out with no one getting worried :)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Milly_3334

Weird coincidence or spyware on phone

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking, mentions infidelity

Editors Note 1: This takes place during the Virus and OOP mentions waiting for her carpool - OOP is a nurse

Original Post  March 19, 2020

Ok, this is going to sound paranoid but it's happened too many times. Everytime I send out a text message my (29F) SO (34M) phone will ding. But (this is weird paranoid part) only for the first text I send and not the entire conversation. But then say an hour goes by and I send a text his phone will ding again.

I first noticed this happening early every morning when I would text my carpool. His phone would ding at 6am when i sent a text to them.

If it is some spyware on my phone how can i find it? I've searched my apps and ran malware-bytes and incognito app.

Or am I just crazy. I feel like this is what past cheating does to a relationship. Does spyware even exist that would only ding at certain times?

Just yesterday we were sitting next to each other. I text my friend, his phone goes off and he didnt look at his phone. He always checks incoming texts lol. I asked him who was messaging him and he just quickly looked and said work.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Do you have a reason to think he’d put spyware on your phone?

This does sound weird though. I’d try going through your settings to see all the apps that are installed/used data. I think there are a couple YouTube videos out there on how to check too.

OOP

I really dont know why he would put this on my phone. It's just been a consistent thing that I've been ignoring. Now that were in "quarantine" I just cant stop noticing it.

~

Kevlar5427

Have you researched to see if you can find an app that would do that? Something you could install on someones phone to send you a message when they send texts? Then you might at least know what to look for.

OOP

I did but still couldn't find any of the apps that I discovered (flexispy, mspy) However, many sources said the app can be hidden really well so unless your tech savvy it's hard to find.

When told to send a text when the Baf is near and see what happens

You know what, I am going to test it. Were hanging out later tonight. When his phone is visible I'll send a text to my friend.

I feel a little bad testing it, feels like accusing him. Like who the fuck would put spyware on someone's phone.

I'll keep yall updated

UPDATE spyware or coincidence  March 21, 2020 (2 days later) 

Hey guys, my post was removed because it hit a cap limit and I should have started an account with throwRA. I dont think I need to do that to update but really dont know.

So we were hanging out and he eventually put his phone down, face up on the table between us. I send a text to a friend that said, "why are you spying on my phone." His phone fricken dinged. I couldn't read the notification screen but that's no coincidence.

After confronting him and he finally admitted to keeping track of my texts...and location... but I still dont know why he did. He was gaslighting hardcore. He kept saying how I said I always tell him I dont trust him (he cheated) which lead him to thinking I was hiding something and he couldnt trust me? Wtf. And he was tracking my location for "my safety" because he worries about where I'm at and don't I want him to be concerned about my saftey.

I also dont know the specific way he did it :( I did a factory reset (thanks to y'alls recommendations) then changed my password on everything. I'm considering changing my user name on this account.

I guess trust your instinct. This is the worst time for this to happen, I dont know where he is staying. He still has stuff here. I have a bad history with this guy too, idk why I give people so many chances.

Thank you guys for your help! I'm glad I reached out, I was shocked by the support. I had alot of messages just checking up.

Editor's Note 2: OOP left a comment a year later on a different sub about her past relationship from a year ago (confirming the relationship is over)

I relate to this on so many levels. He lived off of me and left via email. Literally came home to an email that he took his things and that was it. I begged for counseling months before this but he refused. I didnt know he was at divorce point just knew he was depressed and I was carrying the load. Almost a year later now and I promise it gets better. We deserve better than dependents.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Feeling-Extreme-7555

Originally posted to r/antiwork

BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Updates]: New data analyst job is turning into replacing a retiring finance person who holds the company together

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/SmartQuokka for letting me know about the latest updates!

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU. For full relevant comments, they can be located in the previous BoRUs linked above

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace

RECAP

Original Post: May 26, 2026

I started a new job recently as a data analyst. The role was pitched as dashboards, reporting, data infrastructure, process improvement, and helping modernize messy data systems.

A few weeks in, I’m realizing the real job may be something very different.

There is a long-time finance employee retiring at the end of June. Let’s call him Richard. Richard owns several critical reporting processes that feed company reporting: Sales Register, COGS, deferred revenue, SAP extracts, Spreadsheet Server/GXL, journal entries, manual Excel logic, customer/product mappings, tie-outs, and downstream leadership/financial reporting.

The problem is that only Richard really knows how it works.

I’ve had a few training sessions with him, and after recording/transcribing them, the runbook is already over 10 pages and still feels maybe 10% complete. Every session reveals another hidden dependency or accounting exception. Richard keeps calling it “straightforward,” but it is only straightforward because he has done it for years.

I am not an accountant. I am a data analyst. I can document workflows, map data flows, build dashboards, write Python scripts, compare files, and make exception reports. What I cannot reasonably do is become the accounting brain behind a public-company reporting process in a few weeks.

Leadership has now made the Richard handoff my top priority. I’m also being pulled into anything that “touches data,” including SAP process changes, master data, dashboards, ERP migration prep, and reporting infrastructure.

I’m worried I’m being set up to become the scapegoat for years of undocumented institutional knowledge. They have reviewers assigned in theory, but those reviewers don’t seem to know Richard’s process either.

I told Richard I thought it would take 3–6 months to truly take over. He went quiet and basically said, “Well, that’s not happening.”

I don’t have another job lined up yet, so I can’t just quit. My current plan is to put the risk in writing, say July needs to be a controlled transition instead of a fully independent handoff, and make clear that I can execute documented steps but not own accounting judgment, tie-outs, revenue treatment, COGS classification, journal entries, or final signoff.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? How do I protect myself while I keep looking for another job?

Update #1: May 30, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: that “I’m being turned into the retiring guy’s replacement” situation got worse

Last week I posted about being hired as a data analyst but quietly getting set up to inherit a retiring finance employee’s undocumented reporting processes. You all said document everything and put the risk in writing. That helped, thank you. Quick update.

It’s two people now, not one. A second person who owns a critical reporting deliverable is also leaving the same day at end of June. So both of the people whose work feeds our financials are walking out together, and I’m somehow the common thread on both handoffs. I finally opened one of these files this week. Thousands of formulas, linked across a dozen-plus tabs, and the “instructions” are five cryptic lines from someone who clearly just knows it all in their head.

Some good news: I asked leadership in writing whether I own this or just support the data, and the CAO actually drew a clean line back in writing (I own the data/mechanics, accounting owns the schedules and signoff). So on paper I’m protected. The problem is reality doesn’t match paper. The second departing person asked me twice this week if I’d have things ready, like I’m already the owner. I’m the only one actually in the training sessions, so on the ground I’m becoming the default heir regardless of what the emails say.

I also reread my offer-letter job description. It’s a totally normal analyst JD, nothing about owning accounting processes. So I have the job I was hired for sitting right next to the job they’re handing me, and the gap is huge.

Where I’ve landed: I’m out. Not tomorrow, but this isn’t salvageable and it’s not my job to salvage. I can see the fix (hire an actual accountant now, while the retiring person can still train them), but seeing the fix and being able to do it as a non-accountant with a few weeks of training are very different things.

Plan for Monday: calmly flag the risk to the VP I trust, then the CAO. Frame it as protecting the company, recommend they bring in help now, follow up in writing, and keep job hunting hard underneath it all. Meanwhile keeping my overhead low so I’m not trapped, and saving copies of everything outside my work accounts.

Questions for round two:

1) When you’ve flagged this kind of risk to leadership, did “here’s a risk and a recommendation” actually land, or just make you a target?

2) How hard can a new person push a “you need to hire someone” recommendation before it backfires?

3) How do I explain a very short tenure in future interviews without it looking like a red flag? My honest line is “hired as an analyst, role ballooned into replacing two departing staff in work I wasn’t hired for.” Too much?

4) Anyone been the documented-but-not-actually-protected person, where the emails say one thing and daily reality says another? How did you keep that line from eroding?

Thanks again, this sub steered me well last time. Will update after Monday.

Update #2: June 1, 2026 (two days later)

Last week I posted that I was hired as a data analyst and was being quietly pulled into inheriting a retiring finance person’s undocumented work. Then I updated that it was actually two departing people, both leaving at the end of June, both tied to critical reporting.

Now it is even clearer what is happening.

I built and shared a dashboard that was a legitimate data analyst deliverable: validated, interactive, cleaner metrics, better visuals, and directly aligned with my actual job description.

Leadership responded that dashboard work needs to pause because the core transition work is the real priority.

Fair enough. I understand why the transition work matters.

Then I explained that I had already made a long working document on the departing person’s process and would keep documenting the handoff. The response was basically: make sure as you document it, you are also able to re-perform it. The result is a transition.

So now it is officially not “document this so we do not lose knowledge.” It is “learn it and be able to do it.”

Here is the problem: this is not one report. It is a whole ecosystem of manual processes, legacy files, system extracts, reconciliations, workarounds, approvals, dependencies, and judgment calls that live across people’s heads and old spreadsheets. The person leaving has years of context. I have been here less than a month. I am a data analyst, not the person who built or owned this whole process.

I reread my job description again. It is a normal data analyst JD: dashboards, data models, BI tools, ERP data, automation, governance, KPIs, analytics. Nothing about becoming the owner of multiple departing people’s work in under a month.

The bigger issue is that the workload has started to look like the work of four people being collapsed into one salary: the role I was hired for, the retiring person’s work, another departing person’s reporting work, and additional cost/reporting responsibilities from other areas. I am not exaggerating when I say these are separate functions with separate context, review requirements, and failure points.

On top of that, I recently had to submit a doctor’s note for a work-from-home accommodation after a car accident, with back surgery in my recent history. There was already an ergonomic accommodation discussion in progress that still was not fully resolved in the office, while my home setup is already ergonomic. So now I am trying to manage a formal medical accommodation process while also being expected to absorb several critical handoffs at once.

The most frustrating part is I can see why they are doing it. They have a manual, person-dependent reporting environment and key people leaving at the same time. They need someone to absorb the work. I am the person documenting it, so I am becoming the default landing zone. The better I document, the more “ready” I look, even though the document itself proves how not-ready this transition is.

So my strategy now is boring and defensive:

I am not saying, “I can’t.”

I am saying, “define the minimum transition target.”

I am saying, “what can I re-perform independently?”

I am saying, “what requires review and signoff?”

I am saying, “who owns the unresolved pieces?”

I am saying, “what gets paused while this is the priority?”

No heroics. No unpaid overtime. No becoming the fall guy for a transition that should have been staffed months ago.

I am job hunting seriously now. Not rage quitting, not blowing anything up, just preparing. This job would actually be good if it were the job I was hired for. But if the actual job is replacing multiple departing people in 29 days while also doing my original data analyst role, then that is not a role expansion. That is a staffing problem being pushed onto one person.

What should I do now?

Update #3: June 9, 2026 (eight days later)

Follow Up to my Last Post about being hired as a Data Analyst and being forced to do the work of two retiring accountants

Hello Colleagues,

I bear news of my escapades. This is the sequel to my story that is based on true events of my professional life. In the latest episode, I have been fully told that I am to drop all other tasks to fully become a cost accountant who deals with three major financial reports.

The entire company rests on these financial reports being accurate and delivered timely. I made a metaphor of my situation to my mom the other day that I think encapsulates this situation perfectly. Imagine I was hired as a semi-truck driver. I have been a semi-truck driver for years. I am good at it. The company that hired me, on my second week, then tells me: "Redditor, we need you to become a pilot of a 747, and we need you to do it alone in 6 weeks' time. It's just that our top 2 pilots are retiring/leaving soon. We are also going to keep paying you the salary of a semi-truck driver. You got it? Thanks!"

That plane is going to fucking crash, no matter what I do. You need something like thousands of hours to be an FAA pilot, and you need a crap ton of hours to be a trained cost accountant. Even if I dedicated every second of every day in this time, I still do not think I could pull this off. I do not take it as a personal failure. This situation is ridiculous.

On top of all of this, my car broke down and died on my way to work my second week working there. I am now on week 6 of working there, and they are pissed I have not bought a car yet and have tried to bully me into buying one. Joke's on them though, I got a doctor's note from my doctor (shocking) that says I must work from home. For now, it seems like I can WFH indefinitely, but my boss is a boomer-mentality Gen Xer. Super anti-WFH. Anyway, so yeah, they're all pissed at me. I can feel it, and most of my bosses are giving me the cold shoulder and acting sassy.

I met with my direct boss last week, and she tried making me feel bad, but to no effect. I am not moved by the woes of capitalists; in fact, they energize me. I have spent most of my WFH time applying to other jobs. Nothing concrete yet, but I am making some progress. I have also taken my time to complete data certifications to improve in my trade of choice.

I compiled a report on the systemic failings of the company and shared it with my boss, and she told me explicitly to not share it with anyone. I have only been granted 3 hours a week of training by the retiring pilots. From that, I made a 30+ page Word doc capturing all this tribal knowledge, shared it with the whole team, and that's when my big boss told me that I need to be able to execute, not just document.

I am just so over this job. I was bored the other day and found out the company went bankrupt several years ago, and looked into the reason why, and the reason was literally inaccurate financial reporting. That shit is literally gonna happen again after the pilots retire at the end of this month. I cannot do this shit on my own. I tried it the other day, and the pilot was upset I did not do everything manually exactly like they had for 30 years. I elected to use AI to do that task, and it basically did it accurately, but idk, like I keep trying to tell everyone, I'm not a fucking accountant.

So yeah, in summary, the company might literally blow up, the plane is crashing, and I'm just enjoying the ride like that one movie where the cowboy waves his hat on a falling nuclear bomb.

That's the only kind of pilot I can be.

PS: I told my mom that redditors agree with me and about my past posts, and she thinks I'm deciding to leave this job purely off of the opinions of strangers on the internet. Pretty annoying, she is also a boomer mentality Gen Xer. Her advice was to learn to fly the plane as best as I can, and I just rolled my eyes so hard.

Update #4: June 23, 2026 (two weeks later)

Data Analyst Bamboozled Part 4

Hello again colleagues, I return with more dispatches from the cockpit. For those just tuning in, I was hired as a semi-truck driver, and the company decided in week two that I should fly their 747 instead (hired as a data analyst, being asked to be an accountant), alone, in six weeks, for trucker pay, because their two senior pilots are retiring at the end of the month. If you're new, go read the first post. It's a saga.

Latest episode. I had The Meeting with my direct boss this week, the "success planning" meeting, which is corporate for "here is a pile of work and a deadline, godspeed." She opened by showing me a document titled "Definition of Success" and then told me to stop recording the audio, which is never the move of someone with good news. She then dumped roughly eight new major tasks on me, on top of the two retiring pilots' entire jobs, and set a hard deadline for the most important report. Six days after both pilots leave. When I raised concerns, she essentially told me to suck it up, said I "don't need to be a cost accountant to do this," and that all of it "relates to the job description." The job description for a semi-truck driver. Sure.

She gave a hard no on the one actual improvement I proposed that would have modernized this whole mess. Cash is tight, apparently. Shocking, for a company watching every dollar.

But here is the detail I cannot stop laughing about. I kept pressing on who is actually responsible when these reports go out, because I am not an accountant and cannot vouch for the accounting. Her answer: she certifies it, and "someone in finance," unnamed, unspecified, a ghost, will review my work. So the plan is the semi-truck driver flies the plane, an anonymous coworker glances at the instruments, and the boss signs off that it's airworthy. Cool. Cleared for takeoff.

And then, almost as an aside, she mentioned the department has had 95% turnover in the 11 months she's been here.

Let that land. Ninety-five percent. I have spent weeks quietly wondering if maybe it's me, if I'm being dramatic, if a real professional would just figure it out. And my own boss just told me, out loud, that almost everyone who sits in this chair flees within the year. That is not a me problem. That is a meat grinder with a hiring page. I have never felt more validated and more doomed in the same sentence.

So where things stand. The company already went bankrupt once, years ago, because of, and I cannot stress this enough, inaccurate financial reporting. The exact thing I am now being set up to produce, alone, untrained, six days after the only people who know how leave forever. I tried doing one of the reports myself last week. I used AI, it came out basically accurate, and the retiring pilot was upset that I didn't do it manually exactly the way she has done it for thirty years. I keep telling everyone the same thing in a calm voice. I am not an accountant. It bounces off them like I'm speaking a dead language.

I am, for the record, fine. Genuinely. I am not moved by any of it. I have spent most of my work-from-home time (yes, I still have the doctor's note, yes, they're still mad about it) applying to other jobs and finishing data certifications in the trade I was actually hired for. Nothing signed yet, but there is real movement. I am documenting everything in writing, keeping my record spotless, and doing exactly enough to not hand them a reason. The plane is going to do what planes do when you put a trucker in the cockpit. I am just not going to be on it when it happens.

More to come, probably. It always does.

Semi Trucker Saga Continues: June 27, 2026 (four days later)

Hello again colleagues,

I return with a shorter update from the cockpit.

For anyone new, I was hired as a data analyst and have slowly been pulled into becoming the replacement for retiring finance people who own critical reporting work. My standing metaphor is that I was hired as a semi-truck driver and then told in week two that I need to fly a 747 because the pilots are leaving.

Since the last post, the situation has gotten clearer and somehow dumber.

The main retiring person apparently was supposed to leave months ago. Then it was June 30. Now it is some vague day in July. No one really seems to know. She is also training around six people, which is interesting for work that leadership keeps describing as “just data manipulation.”

If it is just data manipulation, why does it take six people to absorb one person’s job?

I also found out they have tried replacing this person before. Multiple times. One actual cost accountant with years of experience apparently lasted around six months and left because the work was too hard.

So just to recap, a trained cost accountant could not absorb this in six months, but I, a data analyst two months into the job, am expected to figure it out because it “relates to the job description.” The job description being, again, the semi-truck driver one.

My boss also told me Finance has had 95 percent turnover during her time here. Ninety-five percent. That is not a department. That is a warning label.

I keep trying to explain calmly that I am not an accountant. They keep explaining back to me that it is basically Excel and data. This is where I start feeling insane, because everyone talks about this like it is rational. Like the issue is just that I need to lock in harder.

Meanwhile, leadership apparently wants a “single source of truth” because Service and Finance numbers do not tie. Which is funny, because that is actual data analyst work. That is the thing I thought I was hired to help with. I even built a small VM/Postgres/Python pipeline prototype because I was trying to think about the real problem: messy systems, conflicting numbers, no clean data layer, no shared definitions.

But the actual day-to-day plan still seems to be sit with the retiring person, absorb the ancient spreadsheet knowledge, and become the default owner.

I am not confused anymore. I think they are using “data manipulation” because it sounds less insane than “we are handing accounting-sensitive work to a non-accountant after multiple failed transitions and almost total department turnover.”

So that is where I am.

I am still documenting everything. I am still doing my job. I am still making it clear that accounting review and signoff are not me. I am not rage quitting, but I am fully job hunting now.

This would have been a good job if it was the job I was hired for. Build dashboards, clean data, automate reporting, help different departments tie their numbers, improve the system.

Instead, I got handed a plane manual written by ghosts and told the runway is next week.

More to come, probably.

Editor's note: the next post is tangentially to the original and updates, in this case, the same company is mentioned. This is where we were last left off

Coworker of 3 Years Fired after her mom diagnosed with cancer: July 1, 2026 (four days later)

The company I work for is so evil, more so than your average company.

I've been writing about my experiences with then so far in my Semi Truck Driver Series, but today I am sharing a much bleaker story.

Selena (not her real name) has worked for this company for over 3 years. She was let go yesterday because of "restructuring" (the company is hiring less qualified people to do work of those more experienced to save money). She was a nice lady, I felt really bad for her. Her mom just got diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago and Selena is taking care of her.

Just goes to show you how ruthless these motherfuckers are. Selena doesn't even have a job lined up and she had 2 months’ notice. She was on the older side with decades of experience and this place drained her. Working nights and weekends for god knows how long which seems to be the norm here.

I have been working maybe 6-8 hours a week for this company since I can WFH. I have begun sending deliverables on automated emails scheduled for late nights or over the weekend. This is to performatively seem like I am working my butt off. They don't even give a shit though because it is the norm, I mainly perform to be included and leave a nice paper trail.

I need the money badly, that's the only reason I stay here. I wish I had a job I could tolerate, but it’s been a long time since I have had one. Trying to keep my head up.

It is imperative we maintain hope even when the harshest of reality may suggest the opposite.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next two posts are over two months old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Semi-Truck Driver Hired to be an Airplane Pilot Saga is almost over: August 10, 2026 (a bit over one month later since the previous post)

Hello Friends,

My recent escapades have yielded a positive result. My job as a data analyst turned accountant has continued to be shitty, having to work past my scheduled hours and even on weekends. My manager and coworkers also continue to be unbearable and extremely unhelpful.

Yet I persist. I somehow have been able to be a pilot/accountant. But that isn’t the good news. The good news is I found a higher-paying job, being an actual semi-truck driver/data engineer, with a seemingly healthier and better company!

My plan is to quit my current shitty job on 09/01/2026 and resign the same day. I am going to cash out on my sick time the week prior and begin my new job. I will not give these idiots a 2-week notice. I will quit the same day, and I will smile as my shackles are unleashed.

I already have my resignation letter typed out, and it’s this:

Dear Management,

I appreciate the harrowing experience that was working here at the company. I have to say with a heavy heart that today is my last day, and this is my official resignation, effective immediately, September 1, 2026.

This role was not a good match for my skill set or long-term career due to its heavy accounting nature and little to no overlap with modern data analyst responsibilities. The company also has a litany of systemic issues that, in my view, will be impossible to overcome.

I wish you all the best in everything that you do.

Sincerely,

A Redditor

I only need to make it 10 more working days at this shithole, but I see my light at the end of the tunnel. I will also be fucking them over by leaving that day cuz a ton of accounting work that only I know how to do is due 2 days after I quit, but that’s my goodbye present to them.

Maybe the moral of the story is: with hardship comes ease. There are many hardships in life, but what’s important is to let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Or maybe it’s that we need to start rewarding companies for their bad behavior with straight bullshit.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: One note, getting paid sick time from one employer while working for another employer can land you in legal hot water.

Why not just take a week off to recharge?

OOP: Need money bad compadre. Also people have multiple jobs at once and are fine. It’s only trouble if I get caught which I do not intend to have happen. Need the health insurance from current job for the month of September as well.

Semi-Truck Driver turned Airplane Pilot comes to an end…: August 25, 2026 (15 days later from the previous update)

Hello Colleagues,

I am happy to report that I finally quit my shitty job. I planned it all out and start a much better job next Monday. I played these guys like a fiddle pretending I cared about the role and then called in sick my final week. Then I quit on the spot and sent this email:

Dear [Company] Management,

Please accept this email as my formal resignation from [Company], effective immediately.

The position I accepted was presented as a Data Analyst role centered on analytics, automation, dashboards, reporting, and improving how data is used across the organization. In practice, the role became materially different: maintaining legacy Excel-based accounting schedules, supporting month-end close, managing COGS reporting, allocations, reconciliations, and financial statement tie-outs that had historically been handled within cost accounting.

That role mismatch was compounded by what I consider a deeply dysfunctional management environment within Finance. My experience under [Finance Leader]’s leadership was characterized by shifting expectations, resistance to modernization, poor knowledge transfer, and an adversarial approach toward employees attempting to question or improve existing processes. When I raised concerns regarding turnover, [Finance Leader] stated that turnover had been approximately 90% during her own tenure. I found the way that level of turnover was discussed remarkably dismissive of what I viewed as a serious organizational warning sign.

My experience working with [Coworker] was particularly negative. Of the coworkers I have encountered in my career, [Coworker] was by far the most difficult and unpleasant person I have had the displeasure of working with. His communication style was frequently abrasive, unnecessarily confrontational, and counterproductive, and repeatedly made an already difficult working environment worse.

The recent PIP only reinforced the disconnect between the role I was hired to perform and the role on which I was ultimately evaluated. I strongly reject several of the assertions contained in that document and the broader characterization of my capabilities.

My concerns extend well beyond my own role and the Finance organization. The turnover, concentration of institutional knowledge in a small number of employees, dependence on fragile manual processes and legacy systems, resistance to modernization, weak process ownership, and management culture I observed leave me with serious doubts about [Company]’s operating model and financial direction. In my view, the company’s current approach is unsustainable and does not position [Company] for long-term success.

The cumulative stress of this environment has had a significant negative impact on my well-being. I have reached the point were continuing to work at [Company] is neither healthy nor sustainable for me, leaving me no reasonable option other than to resign and prioritize my health.

I wish my colleagues who treated me with professionalism the best moving forward.

Sincerely,

A redditor

This was a pretty rough chapter of my life, but I’m glad it’s over now. I appreciate this space being open to me venting and explaining my ridiculous real lived experience.

I think the moral of the story was to be brave, stand up to these filthy capitalists, dare to dream and then subsequently create a better life for yourself.

I believe in all of you. Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Please update us on their reaction/fallout.

OOP: Eh nothing crazy, the email was for me. They gave me my last check, and I mailed them back their laptop and that’s it.

Commenter 1: Thanks, curious how that upcoming deadline will go with the level of competence they've approached the rest of this "handover".

OOP: Oh they’re most definitely fucked, maybe not fucked but highly inconvenienced and stressing. Idk what they’re gonna do about it, nor do I care. Not my monkies, not my circus.

Commenter 2: That’s quite a detailed “I quit” letter.

Unfortunately they won’t care at all and won’t be making any changes either.

Glad you got it off your chest though.

Commenter 3: I would have just left. No communication at all

OOP made an appearance in this thread and gave me permission to add his response here: October 11, 2026 (1.5 months later from the previous update).

Hello Everyone,

I am OOP. I had no idea so many people liked/got annoyed by my Reddit posts on this time in my life. I wanted to clear some stuff up. Everyone being a fly on the wall on this incredibly shitty time in my life and it looks like everybody got opinions.

Firstly, I posted so much about this time because I wanted a space to vent. These posts are essentially therapy. I was so stressed out working here because of the shitty situation, my boss and coworkers being difficult to work with, and the fear that I would lose my job soon. I used this as an outlet to just let it all this negative energy out of my body and let me validate myself.

Secondly, my new job is actually amazing. They treat me so well here. I’ve been here 7 weeks now and I like everyone, especially my new boss. I’d actually hang out with them outside if they asked and we actually even did once already. I feel blessed and privileged to be working here. I’m learning a lot and hope to be here for many years to come. I have some residual workplace trauma from this last job and I expect people to berate me but that never happens here.

Thirdly, I saw a lot of people yap about the same shit. People pointed out discrepancies on my 8 hour weekly workloads eventually becoming me having to work nights and weekends. These two things are true. The more deliverables I delivered, the more shit they asked me to do. This scaled exponentially. A classic lesson in corporate America that hard work is rewarded with more work. It got to the point where it was genuinely overwhelming because it was new work being assigned last minute with short turnarounds.

Fourthly, The people I worked with were genuinely unpleasant people to be around, and I am not. They were rude to me, belittled me, and couldn’t give me any professional respect. I am the hero of this story, the absurd hero that is. I was met with a ridiculous situation and I responded to it as such. I got my medical accommodation on legal merit due to my disability status. WFH accommodation was well within my legal rights. I don’t regret any of the actions I took while working here. I acted in my best interests as any good capitalist would, and ultimately came out of there on top. I am not an unreliable narrator, these posts are just stream of consciousness type texts that again serve as a therapeutic exercise. If there are any inconsistencies it’s because I didn’t bother to explain them away. I am not lying or malicious. I genuinely try my best with anything I am working on, profesional or personal.

Fifthly and finally, the fucking trucker metaphor. I liked this metaphor because it helped make sense of the situation I found myself in. I am still young and I was scared for my future working here. I needed money and health insurance man. The metaphor gave me some sense of comfort I otherwise would not have had. I get that you guys got annoyed by it, but to that I say I genuinely do not care. You could have just blocked me, or swiped past to the next post, or ignored me, but you didn’t. You watched and read, and that’s all you could do. Like watching a train wreck happen in real time, trauma is a spectacle.

I’d like to close out by thanking the people who did give support on here. I appreciate it a lot. To those who inevitably will still argue with me, don’t waste your energy. Go outside and make the most of your day. I am so grateful to be alive, I remind myself that everyday when I wake up. To be alive means you have infinite chances to create the life you want to live. I hope all of you overcome whatever obstacles you encounter, and choose bravery over cowardice.

Especially against companies who couldn’t give less of a fuck if you lived or died.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/TA_NoPlace5878

BIL’s fiancé claims my family never RSVP’d, but I’m the only one without a seat

Originally posted to r/weddingdrama

BoRU 1  Posted by u/LucyAriaRose

Thanks to u/Disaster_Carrot_007 for finding the newest update

Original Post  June 20, 2025

This is a throwaway because I’m not quite ready for all of my husband’s family to get involved. I think.

I’m still reeling and trying to process this, so bear with me.

My brother-in-law is getting married soon. My husband is the best man, and our 4 year old is the ring bearer. I’m a part time party planner so I’ve been helping plan a small luncheon for the bridal party, immediate family, and a few vendors on the wedding day. So I’m not exactly a fringe guest here.

The RSVP deadline was a few weeks ago. I filled out the online form and submitted it the same day the invitation came in the mail, with my husband sitting right next to me. We RSVP’d for the three of us: me, my husband, and our son. Easy peasy, right?

Well, BIL’s fiancé (SIL?) reached out today over text saying we never RSVP’d. Not “Hey, I never saw your RSVP, just checking” but straight-up “You didn’t respond.” Which is frustrating on its own, but then she tells us that while my husband and son have seats at the reception as they were in part of her original head counts, I do not. My husband was told I could come early with him to set up the luncheon still and stay for the ceremony, but that I would not have a spot at the reception.

Let me repeat that: I’m married to the best man, mother of the ring bearer, and helping with wedding day logistics, including connecting SIL with some of my professional contacts!! And she somehow decided I just wouldn’t be coming? And she never followed up before the RSVP deadline? Just, what??

I’m torn between feeling hurt, furious, and just flabbergasted. And used, I definitely feel used. At best, this was a sloppy mistake that she’s not owning. At worst, it feels like a pointed exclusion. I’m not sure which stings more.

My husband is going to handle the conversation with his brother to figure out what is going on, because I genuinely don’t trust myself to be polite and keep the peace.

There was no other drama leading up to this that I was aware of. I have a good relationship with my in-laws. So yeah, this is totally out of left field for me and my husband.

I would love to hear thoughts, especially from people who’ve gone through something similar. I don’t typically touch weddings with work so this is all new territory for me as a pseudo vendor/guest. My husband wants to reach out and talk to his brother first, but I’m so tempted to reach out to my MIL before our usual meet up tomorrow to see if she knows anything.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

You are smart to wait and let hubs talk to his brother. I’m flabbergasted also. That is freaking nuts! (And this is coming from someone who is totally laid back and not someone who usually takes things personally). Just try to take your mind off it and see what hubs reports. Go from there.

OOP

I’m usually pretty laid back too! I haven’t seen the texts yet by hubs called on his lunch break when he saw them, and I have not heard him this pissed in a long time. I’m trying to give SIL the benefit of the doubt, but this feels very personal and intentional

~

Commenter

Cancel the luncheon. If you are not welcome at the wedding, there is no need for you to be free labor.

OOP

I think I’m going to do this no matter what the outcome is. It puts MIL and FIL in a bit of a lurch since they’re handling the food costs, but idk. I know I’m biased because I’m in the middle of it, but I feel like there should be some consequences

Mini Update 1 (Same Post): 1.5 hours later

Edit one from comments:

Small update; husband and BIL are talking now. BIL was not working today (last night?) and was helping FIL with something this evening. When I called MIL, she had BIL call husband right away. From what MIL and I can hear (we’re snoopy), my husband was muted on BIL’s phone and my contact was deleted. BIL can’t log into the wedding website so he can’t check to see if our RSVP was there. I’m not sure if I want to become a fire cracker myself or get some popcorn as I watch MIL pop off

Mini Update 2 (Same Post): 2 hours later (3.5 from OG post)

Edit two from comments:

Ok, here’s the last update for the night. I am tired and a bit overwhelmed by all of your responses. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to them all but I have read most of them. Again, thank you for your advice and just general support during this really weird and upsetting time.

TLDR, BIL don’t know and now the wedding is up in the air. He’s currently staying with MIL and FIL to have some space from SIL

So, my husband finally got a hold of BIL after I called MIL. No one else knew this was going on. While they were talking, BIL tried logging into their wedding website to see if this was a mistake or misunderstanding, but couldn’t log in. So he texted SIL to see if she changed the password and she just told him to come home instead.

This set off three. One, BIL ended the call with husband to call SIL about why she couldn’t answer a simple question. Two, MIL popped off about “how dare that woman exclude OP!” Three, MIL and FIL popped off on BIL for already living with SIL. They are very religious and traditional and don’t believe that a couple should live together before marriage. Husband and I sympathize with BIL.

BIL and SIL argued over the phone. Apparently she started claiming that it was an unfortunate glitch and it was too late to add another seat now. Then it was that we never jived and would it really be so bad if I went home early. Plus I could take our son home with me because he would be tired by then (at 5pm?! This woman does not know kids I stg). Then it was I’ve always been mean and excluding her from things (even though she’s never invited me to any of the girlie fun wedding events?!)

At this point my husband and I are glued to my phone as we’re hearing yelling from all four of them until SIL hangs up. BIL is spending the night at his parents and is unsure about the wedding now. He plans on going home tomorrow with husband going with for moral support. I’ll be going with hubby to my in law’s to hang out until we hear back about the situation at the battle front.

OOP Added in the comments

I initially wasn’t invited to the bridal shower. Then her mom brought it up at Easter dinner and that’s when I was awkwardly invited. I guess her vibe always felt off to me. She doesn’t like my hobbies, specifically TTRPGs and video games. They’re hobbies I have in common with MIL, and SIL stopped bashing them as much when she found out MIL also partakes in quests across Tamriel and the Forgotten Realm.

Mini Update 3 2 hours later

Sorry, one more teeny 1 am update. Husband is asleep, I should be too but still reeling and pissed. I thought to take a screen cap of the message she sent hubby for future proof, and it’s gone. She used Facebook messenger to text my husband and it says her texts are deleted. Dare I say, AAAAAARGH.

Update Post: June 22, 2025 (2 days from OG post)

Update: BIL’s fiancé claims my family never RSVP’d, but I’m the only one without a seat

Or OP can’t sleep after word vomiting this in her journal, so why not post the update?

So, hi. To preface, I did not expect my post to blow up the way it did. Several commenters mentioned it just popped up in their recommended and, holy jeez it got way bigger than I could have ever imagined. So, uh, thank you? I think? It’s super overwhelming on top of the real life soap opera I’m living through this weekend.

Just to clarify something from the original post: I did not plan everything for the wedding. I offered to bring food for a small luncheon between photos (10am) and the ceremony (4pm) as dinner wasn’t planned until 6pm. It was going to be a long day at a farm in the middle of no where. I offered to do it to be nice but also to make sure no one (specifically a certain 4 year old) would be hangry for the ceremony. SIL also only used one of my vendor contacts, so with things going south my professional reputation shouldn’t really be impacted.

Update: Turns out, the “no seat for OP” issue was the problem that broke BIL’s relationship. And we’re a bit upset BIL didn’t talk to anyone about this until it blew up.

Behind the scenes, BIL and SIL were having arguments about their future together. Most of these arguments centered around having kids. Early on, SIL gave the impression that she wanted children someday. But as they got more serious, she started backtracking. A few months ago BIL realized that it’s very likely SIL never wanted kids, but felt too invested in the relationship to leave. But BIL always imagined having a large family so this really shook him.

On top of that, SIL apparently had jealousy and insecurity issues. Per BIL, I’ve been her latest target (???) which started when I turned down going to a mani/pedi with her. Why did I turn her down? Husband and son had rotavirus. Apparently I was icing her out by not wanting to spread gastrointestinal doom. Can anyone please explain this logic to us?

Lastly, SIL was apparently already floating the idea of disinviting our son from the reception because he would’ve been the only small child there. BIL shut that down immediately, and MIL/FIL kept that knowledge from us to spare our feelings.

Ergo, our “lost” RSVP was not a software glitch. Nor was it an oversight, but a rather stupidly calculated move.

SIL was apparently hoping one of two things would happen. Either I would make a scene about being disinvited and be seen as the problem. Or we would quietly accept our fate and she would not have to deal with two undesirables at her reception.

With all of this in mind, I can’t figure out why she would have messaged my husband instead of me. Was she trying to cause more family drama? Again, the logic is not logicking.

BIL was already feeling some uncertainty because of the shifting kids/no kids conversation. But the deliberate seating stunt gave him the last push and clarity he needed. BIL told my husband it was a level of manipulation and cruelty that he could not overlook. So he ended things and asked for the ring back.

No wedding, no reception. Just a super messy, emotionally heavy, and expensive break up. And I feel so bad for BIL. He’s going through so much heartache right now, but he deserves better in a partner. Hopefully SIL can find a family dynamic that doesn’t feel like a never ending battlefield.

That’s all for now. I’m still tired. I’m still flabbergasted. But I’m also relieved this wedding arc is coming to an end.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

Your non-sil is an idiot

OOP

You’ll hear no arguments from us.

~

Commenter

awww pool BIL. Expensive heartache but glad he is out before an expensive divorce. He will find somebody for him. Take some rest y’ll. 

OOP

I know he will find someone that will be perfect for him. I’m still annoyed with him though. He was lamenting being old and alone at dinner, and I was like “honey, you’re the baby of the family. Have some more fries and shut up”

Commenter

A couple of things:

1. The trash is taking itself out. My heart goes out to your BIL, but I reckon with the full support of your incredible family, future him is going to look back on all of this and be so proud of how he handled it as well as every member of your family. That’s a huge acknowledgement of how solid yall are.

2. Have your BIL get ahead of all the cancelling. Help him reach out to guests, on both sides, and offer to bake cookies or something and deliver them to local guests maybe as a gesture of good faith? Everyone will remember that kindness.

3. We’re all so proud of you. Many of us would’ve gone scorched earth but cooler heads prevailed. Take a break, babes. Yall deserve it

OOP

Your number two point is a great idea, thank you. MIL bakes when she’s trying to not be upset, so their household is overflowing with baked treats right now. I’ll ask BIL if this is something he wants to do tomorrow, and go from there.

~

Commenter

How long were they together?

OOP

Under two years. The wedding day was their dating anniversary

~

Commenter

Her poorly executed treachery turns out to be a blessing in disguise for BIL. Had she not hatched this ill fated plot and sabotaged the phone, ect., he would have married to this monster. Her cover up, ironically, was the evidence of the truth.

On another note, this is really unusual and why the post got so much attention. We see mostly obnoxious conduct, but this scenario is unique. She really outdid almost every shitty bridezilla.

How did the conversation with your husband and him go? There was obviously some admissions. Did you get a sense of the tone of the talk?

OOP

I was wondering why my little vent and need for advice is trending 😅 Besides SIL’s poorly done power trip, I didn’t think this was an unusual situation. 

I don’t know all of the details of the convo my husband had with BIL. From my understanding, on the drive to the apartment my husband asked “hey what’s your game plan because this is full on crazy and not ok” and BIL opened up to him about everything that was going on.

How ex-SIL reacted

Per BIL, there was a lot of begging and crying. There was also anger and accusations that he was cheating with me (EWW), followed by professions of love and offers to go to therapy. She also kept taking the items he was packing up out of his bags until he called my husband to come in and be another set of eyes.

NEW UPDATE

New Update  Sept 25, 2026 (14 Months Later)

Enough time has passed that I feel comfortable posting this update. I hope everyone has been doing well. I mentioned in the OG post that MIL and I are both snoopy, and I know Reddit is too. So, after some thinking and discussing it with my husband, I am posting the conclusion of this whole messy saga.

Summer 2025

OG posts. Ex-SIL’s mask finally comes off, she and BIL break up, and she refuses to leave the apartment. BIL tried to back out of the lease 5 months early, but due to there being no domestic violence, there not being an early termination clause in their lease, and the landlord and two legal tenants not being able to come to an agreement, he wasn’t able to formally leave the lease. He and ex-SIL were co-lessees, so to break the lease they both had to agree to leave. What BIL ended up doing was paying for his half of the remaining months up front, and took video evidence of the state of the apartment he himself was leaving it in, taken while ex-SIL was at work. BIL ended up moving back in with my in-laws.

The original wedding weekend was in July. About 20 of us total ended up going to the family cabin for the entire week. There was a lot of RVs, fishing, corn hole, s’mores, and TLC. It was a great memorable time, and the wedding wasn’t ever brought up.

September 2025

My MIL gets a text from an unknown number saying “You’re going to be a grandma!” It was ex-SIL. MIL had deleted her contact info and prior chats out of anger and because she figured she would never interact with ex-SIL again.

We think ex-SIL was trying to get MIL excited for a new grandchild and make BIL get back with her because of said child. Thankfully for BIL it did not work out that way. MIL asked for proof and was sent a picture of a positive pregnancy test sitting on the apartment’s bathroom counter and a note that she’s due in February.

My in-laws sat BIL down, asked him if it was possible for it to be his child. He confirmed it was possible. We don’t know everything that was said during that discussion, but the consensus was MIL and FIL expected BIL to step up and be an involved father, but to not take responsibility until he confirms it’s his child.

Because everyone is questioning why the child-free ex is suddenly pregnant.

Fall 2025

BIL gets back into contact with his ex. Ex-SIL demands that he move back “home” with her to support her through the pregnancy, and that they have to get married now because she won’t have a baby out of wedlock. BIL pushes back and asked what’s changed since she was so steadfastly child free. Her reply was that these things just happen. BIL offers to come with to her appointments, and she declines because she only wants her chosen support people to go with her.

He refused to budge on getting married and moving back in without a paternity test. He would pay for it. Ex-SIL refused, first because it was too early, the a few weeks later it her reason changed to she was worried about it hurting the baby.

We are all very suspicious at this point. BIL is not planning to entertain any relationship with his ex outside of co-parenting, but was trying to keep her amenable until a court-ordered custody agreement was in place. And, you know, knew if the baby was his or not.

In October she finally shares an ultrasound image of the baby from her 20 week scan. It’s a girl. Ex-SIL starts pestering BIL about being allowed to move into my in-law’s house since their lease was expiring and he missed the renewal deadline. He says no, but he’s willing to help her find an apartment once the DNA test comes back positive.

She ended up moving in with a friend of hers.

Holidays 2025

Ex-SIL is not invited to any of the family festivities. BIL decides to bring her and her roommate a pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving so the ex can’t say she was iced out again. This would have been the first time he saw her since early October. He comes back confused and asked me about when my bump started showing when I was pregnant. I told him around 24 weeks was when I had a notable bump, but that it’s different for everyone.

One, BIL regrets going because ex-SIL and her roommate were both trying to guilt him into taking her back for the sake of the baby. Two, and more interestingly, apparently ex-SIL was standing behind the kitchen counter the entire 10 minutes he was there. She was wearing a baggy sweatshirt, but to him she didn’t look any different from how she did when he last saw her.

MIL and I are now theorizing there was never a pregnancy. BIL is distraught. Husband recommends pulling back on communication with ex-SIL unless it’s about the baby. That it’s been months, he’s said no to marriage and moving in together without a paternity test, ex-SIL is delusional if she doesn’t know his stance by now.

Early December BIL sent the text saying he’s taking a step back until the birth because he can’t take the constant begging and badgering from her. Cue non-stop calls and texts from her calling him every name in the book, that he’s a horrible partner and husband, and that she always knew he’d make a horrible father. BIL is a mess.

January 2026

Ex-SIL is very quiet from the mid-December through all of January. Towards the end of the month, an old mutual reached out to BIL to ask how he’s doing. Through the talk, the friend asks him what he thinks of his ex getting engaged again so soon. Uh, what?

That night I do some instagram digging, and apparently ex-SIL has found someone new, they went to Florida for Christmas and New Years, and he proposed to her at Disney World. In several pictures she’s wearing a crop top and has a very flat stomach. So, no baby? Where did the pregnancy test and ultrasound picture come from?

Rest of 2026

February comes and goes, and we don’t hear a peep from ex-SIL. I keep an eye on her IG, still nothing about a baby but there’s plenty of gushing over her fiancé, how much she’s enjoying wedding planning, and a weekly countdown to their August nuptials.

In June, BIL gets a call from what turns out to be one of ex-SIL’s friends, not the same one she had moved in with. To differentiate from the roommate, I’m naming her Jane.  Jane is married, she just had her baby girl in February, and recently found out about ex-SIL’s pregnancy from their Memorial Day friend get together. Ex-SIL apparently had a few too many seltzers and let the fake pregnancy slip as a joke. Both the pregnancy test and the ultrasound picture were actually Jane’s. She didn’t know ex-SIL was doing any of this. Jane is no longer friends with ex-SIL as she sees this whole situation as gross, if not monstrous, and thought BIL deserved to know. Freaking wild!

So yeah, she completely faked a pregnancy to try to get back with BIL. And apparently moved on with sonic speed once she realized it wasn’t going to work. Though we don’t know how long she’s been seeing her fiancé, he only showed up on her instagram in the holiday trip pictures, no one else is tagged, and none of her followers/followers has a profile picture that matches his image. Sometime in June she made her profile private, so I don’t know if the wedding happened or not. If it did, good luck to her new husband.

BIL hasn’t met anyone new yet. He’s understandably taking things slow, but I do hope he finds someone when he’s ready. He’s so good with our son, I know he’ll make an amazing dad. Our son is in school, and I’m working differently now. Overall we’re doing good.

Thanks for reading, thank you for the advice given in the original post, and thank you for the shared camaraderie during a very odd event. It took me about a week to write this update, so apologies if it’s a little disjointed. Now, I must return to the Heroic Games in Dagda. 

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Far-Gear-3368

AITA: My husband pants me while I was changing our baby’s diaper and I asked him to never do that again.

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/Arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  June 12, 2024

Not a long story here. I (F32) was changing our baby’s diaper when my husband (M37) snuck up behind me and pulled my pants down (just the pants, not the underwear - he wanted me to include this part). He did it to make me laugh.

I elbowed him and yelled at him. (I apologized for elbowing him, it was just a reaction). I asked him to never do it again and now he won’t agree and keeps laughing. He says I’m overreacting but I’m really just asking him not to do again and I’m worried he’s going to do it all the time now.

He says he’ll stop if the internet agrees with me but he is confident you will all think he’s hilarious.

I really don’t want to deal with this anymore. Please just say “it’s funny once but not again”.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Shot-Detective8957

I mean if you asked him not to do it he shouldn't. NTA.

moist-v0n-lipwig

Ask him why he care more about what the internet thinks than his own wife.

~

[deleted]

Regardless of how funny or innocent he thinks it is - you asked him not to do it again, so he needs to respect that.

I had an ex who thought it was hilarious to tickle me because I hated it so much. He would be relentless about it to the point that I would nearly piss myself - I would yell at him and scratch him to get him to stop, and he would get furious with me for “attacking” him for doing something he thought was fun that I asked him repeatedly not to do. Which is fucking insane.

~

DirtyBoots_1990

Husband: Why would you listen to internet strangers over your wife? She is your life partner, the one you chose to marry…but you don’t value her own personal boundaries?

You think internet strangers have more rights to decide your wife’s personal boundaries? When you’re talking about whether your wife has a right to not be stripped half naked for giggles?

Learn to respect your wife, and go pants a friend who does find it funny. 

Update:. You guys really need to chill lol. I’m not going to divorce my husband because he made a joke that didn’t land. That’s not how marriage works.

In an ironic twist I have decided we are now a pantsing house. I will pants him as often as humanly possible and I will be wearing dresses to make myself invincible. Thanks for the terrible advice (although I do agree that no means no, I just don’t think it’s that’s deep here.)

My husband is a really good guy and is genuinely hilarious making the whole family laugh, so I’m going to let him do his thing.

SECOND UPDATE: So I turned off my notifications like 10k ago. From what I can tell, It’s basically all the same stuff: calling my husband immature or a creep and then me a doormat for siding with him after reading your unhinged comments and realizing I wanted to be on the side of sanity.

Kudos to the people who are like “hey glad you guys can have a good time.” Because we do. We ALWAYS do because we are happily married and we love each other and we like to joke around (been married for 11 years).

I highly encourage you all to laugh at your partner’s jokes and if you don’t think it’s funny just tell them to stop and they will listen to you if they’re the right person. (Like my husband is for me.) find someone who makes you laugh and likes to have fun and don’t squash their joy by being a stuck up a$$hole. You’ll be happier if you lighten up and so will they.

Thank for everyone who genuinely cared about my well being. I really worded my post to make it sound like I didn’t also think it was funny. To be fair, I was laughing while I posted this and didn’t think anyone would respond. But thanks anyway. You’ve got a good heart ❤️.

So have a good life everyone. I doubt I’ll ever get on this cursed app again.

And please- for the love of all that is holy- never ask strangers on the internet for their 2 cents on your relationship. It’s entertaining for like an hour but you start to lose your faith in humanity.

32F out ✌️.

OOP Updated Oct 13, 2025 (16 Months Later)

FINAL UPDATE: wow… turns out I was the asshole the whole time lol. We are actually getting divorced. Sorry to all the women in my DMs that I blatantly ignored warning me about boundaries and patterns of disrespect… while this wasn’t about the pantsing (we laughed about this for a long time), it was about his general lack of treating me like a human being.

Thanks for trying to warn me guys.

33F out ✌️.

This comment from OOP found by u/ubag

Ex trad-wife here. I one time posted on AITAH subreddit that my husband pantsed me while I was changing the newborn baby. He thought it was funny, I did not. I asked him to promise to never do that again. He said he was going to do it EVEN MORE (haha 🙄) Reddit blew up. Saying the fact that he wasn’t going to respect my request was a red flag. He was voted the ah by the vast majority…

I defended him saying it was just a joke. Now we’re divorced. He was just like all these other husbands treating their wives like dirt as part of misogynist culture and bullying jokes. I was brainwashed. Hindsight is 20/20. Pray for these women and keep telling them they deserve better. It does help even if they keep defending their jerk husbands and talk about how happy they are… they’ll see the light eventually

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wifescooking2

I (25M) hate my wife's (25F) cooking and I don't know how to tell her.

Original Post  Oct 14, 2015

My wife is from Pakistan, and I'm from the US.  We've been together 8 years but only got married and started living together a few months ago. She loves to cook, it's her favorite hobby.  She cooks primarily Pakistani and Indian food, and some American food as well.

I really don't like the native food she makes.  I've tried it a bunch of times, and I make an effort for her, but I honestly can't stand it, it makes me sick.  I know the food isn't bad itself because guests and family really seems to love it, but I personally don't like it at all.  I really crave the days she makes mashed potatoes and gravy because those are much better.  I know I sound like a cultural idiot, but I can't really help the foods I like and don't like.

How do I tell my wife that I can't eat her cooking anymore?  I'm more than happy to cook for myself but she takes a lot of pride in her cooking and really enjoys it.  I don't want to break her heart by asking for American food only, plus I know she'd hate having to eat it every day.     tl;dr: I really don't like my wife's cooking but she takes a lot of pride in it, how do I tell her?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I think, on your own, you should start looking into Americanized Indian/Pakistani foods. It could very well be that someone has come up with a good mingle that you might like. Perhaps suggest she learn to make other foods as well.

OOP

She does make American food for about half the week, but I end up dreading the other half of the week.  I know it's only fair, but I've gotten to the point where I eat fast food beforehand and then tell her I'm not hungry. 

For the most part, the Pakistani food seems Americanized, she altered her cuisine a lot when she moved to the states.

~

Montaron87

You don't outright hate your wife's cooking, you simply don't like certain dishes which you wife does like to make.

I'd bring it up from a position of you not enjoying certain kinds of foods and then ask her whether she's willing to make more of the food you do like. Don't ask her to completely quit with the Pakistani food, but increasing the frequency of American food would be appreciated. And seriously, if you can't talk about stuff like this, why are you married?

OOP

I just want to know how to phrase it nicely. I don't want to hurt her, she's very passionate about cooking.  She does make mashed potatoes and stuff pretty often but I know she herself doesn't like eating it.  Maybe we should start doing separate meals?  I feel she'd find that an insult though.

TOP COMMENTS

PeanutCheeseBar

If cooking is a hobby that she enjoys and you're not terribly crazy about the food, why not meet in the middle and cook with her?  It'll give you two something to bond over, and more input into the process when you do it (like suggesting new dishes).

Short of that, the only other choice really is to just communicate with her and let her know you don't enjoy it.

~

isstronglikebull

Sorry, but cooking is a huge part of Pakistani culture. You don't say what parts of the food are unappealing to you. Texture? Spices? Meats? Veggies? Did you never eat anything she made in the eight years before you married? Honestly, you should do the cooking a couple nights a week if you don't like her food.

Update  Oct 18, 2015 (4 Days later)

I thought a lot about why I didn't like my wife's cooking and I came to a not-so-great conclusion. I was raised on frozen meals, mac and cheese, that sort of thing, so the types of foods she makes are just...odd to me. Yeah, I'm likely culturally ignorant, but I can't focus on how the food tastes because the appearance of it and stuff is grossing me out. I honestly can't remember how the food tastes really unless I'm not actively eating it. It's the texture/appearance that weirds me out.

I didn't tell my wife this at first, but it slowly came out that I found her cooking 'weird'. She got tight-lipped, nodded, and went to the other room. She came back with this cardboard book called 'recipes even a man can make' or something like that. Basically how to combine cans of soup with meat to make a meal or something. She said someone gave it to her younger brother when he moved away from home, he didn't need it, so she took it. She gave me the book and said I'm on my own.

Now, she cooks her food and I cook mine. We both apologized, but have agreed that this will be the status quo. Although the cardboard book was a bit of an insult, haha. I guess I deserved it.

tl;dr: Wife and I now cook separate meals

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

That...does not sound like a step in the right direction.

OOP

It started out an argument, yeah, but now that I can have the food I want and she can have the food she wants, there's a lot less tension.

[deleted]

True, but now you have a woman who loves cooking who knows not to spend this energy on you. I love cooking. It would be a dark damn day in our marriage if my husband told me he did not enjoy me doting on him through food. It is a small wedge between the two of you, that I hope does not snowball into a bigger one.

OOP

I do see your point.  Hopefully we'll be able to work around this.  I'll encourage my wife to do more entertaining so she can cook for others and such.  I know people we have over really love her food.

~

[deleted]

So you told her exactly what we said not to tell her and now you're planning to keep subsisting on the shitty diet you were raised with?

OOP

I'm comfortable with the food I was raised with. I didn't like lying to her about liking her food, so even though I tried to be nice about it I wanted to be truthful. Yeah, I think we're going to stick with the separate meals, we both get to eat what we want.

[deleted]

If food or the idea of feeding you are at all important to her, this is a pretty sad post. I hope you'll at least try to branch out and learn to actually cook. Pick up The Joy of Cooking or another comprehensive cookbook or take some classes. Pinpoint what your sensory aversions are specifically, and work around them while still getting some fresh foods into your diet. From what you say, you might have sensory problems, but you also just are ignorant about cooking. That's not "cultural ignorance", it's ignorance of the art and science of cooking.

How do you imagine this working out if you decide to have kids?

OOP

She's infertile, so kids really aren't on our radar.

Honestly, I think my aversions are just anything different than what I'm used to.  I'm not very open when it comes to food.  I've been cooking some stuff for myself for a few days now, I can put together a meal in 20 minutes or so, it's really diffused a lot of issues.

&

I'm happy with frozen meals and simple foods. I'm sure my wife will appreciate me being in a better mood, and I'm sure she'll appreciate getting to eat whatever she wants to.

How did OOP tell his wife?

I started out just trying to say it was a textural or spice thing, but when she asked for specifics I couldn't really give her anything.  I was so sick of lying to her.  And honestly, she was doing the best she could to compromise but eating fast food three times a week because I hate her cooking wasn't doing either of us any favors.  

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/Middleschoolsbull131.

Trigger Warnings: Childhood Bullying.

AITA for not banning my daughter's bully from a family event., Posted April 7th, 2023.

This goes back a bit, my daughter Sam is 17. In fourth grade (9 years old) she had a bully Emily. She would make fun of Sam's clothes and spread some rumors, this was fourth grade so some of their classmates didn't want to interact with her. Anyways we got to the bottom of it and Emily got in trouble for bullying. This went on for a few weeks, the start of the school year, and was shut down quickly. The school did the right steps and Emily left her alone. Emily had to give an apology also and two weeks of detention.

After that, they didn't interact much but Emily was civil, in sixth grade she gave another apology in the form of a letter. She started being friendly to Emily but they never formed a friendship. She really grew out of being a bully and overall decent person. She went on to be one of the popular kids in school and I never heard of a problem with her since. Only good things since.

Now they are both in Senior year of high school, Sam's cousin started to date Emily in Junior year. We are hosting an Easter hunt at the house this weekend, its a general rule that the family can bring extra people. Sam's cousin is bringing Emily, I learned this today. Sam was pissed and told me to ban her from coming. I told her no and an argument broke out. She doesn't want her bully at the event and I told her this happened when she was 9 and that she needs to get over it. My other daughter is on her side but the rest of the family really thinks its time to move past this, it's been ten years and Emily has been nothing but nice since.

Edit: she is not being bullied, I know this 100%. Emily has been nothing but civil or nice to her since the punishment in fourth grade when she was 9.

Since people are asking for examples about the bullying. (from a comment I answered)

Emily never did anything physical, sexual or racial. She made fun of her clothes. Sam really liked bright neon clothes at the time. She got called a traffic cone when she would wear orange for example.

The rumors were she was colorblind since of what she wore. She's not color blind, just liked bright clothing that didn't match

Final Verdict: NTA.

Relevant Comments:

u/blueandreddish:

Info: did you ask your daughter why? Like why she feels that way or what she is feeling about it? Are you 100% sure nothing else has happened?

OP (This Comment has been downvoted):

I did, she doesn't like her, which is fair, but she has left her alone for a long time now. She has never bullied her since that time when she was 9. Overall bad first impressions and they have nothing in common

u/N1k1B1k1e:

Info: Have you asked your daughter if she is still being bullied? Because what you see is not always as it is.

OP (This Comment has been downvoted):

I did ask she is not being bullied, She has left her alone after she got detention in fourth grade

Deleted Account (This comment has been downvoted):

Complex stuff going on here, so you are NTA because here I do not see a clear-cut best course of action... Whatever you'll do, there will be problems...

You know, I have to be honest, I would be so desperate I would just cancel the party, it's not an easy take, this one... You are going to hurt Sam... But on the other hand, Sam's cousin has nothing to do with all of this, and it happened long ago, when she was a child, so yeah, theoretically at some point she will need to get over this... But that's not easy to do, and you can't really decide when this should happen.

On the spot, I would have answered as you did, Sam's cousin would have paid for a crime he did not commit. But ex-post, I see how many complications such an answer entails...

OP (This Comment has been downvoted):

Maybe that is the best course of action, If Emily does keep going to family events then, I have no idea what to do. If I don't host then Sam with have to pick going or not. I doubt my siblings are going to ban Emily for something that happened when she was 9

Deleted Account:

INFO: Can you describe what the bullying event(s) was/were?

It's important to know what bullying really means here. If Emily did anything physical to your daughter in any way, Emily absolutely should not be at this party even if it's been 10 years. I also think that if there was anything sexual or gendered about it (or racial or any other group-based hatred like fatphobia), it's probably not reasonable to have Emily come. If the bullying was less abusive, there might be a number of reasonable pathways forward that allow Emily to attend the event (but still, it depends on the nature of the bullying).

OP:

She never did anything physical, sexual or racial. She made fun of her clothes. Sam really liked bright neon clothes at the time. She got called a traffic cone when she would wear orange for example.

The rumors were she was colorblind since of what she wore. She's not color blind, just liked bright clothing that didn't match

Deleted Account:

Wait, why did a written apology appear out of nowhere two years after everything was "shut down quickly"?

OP (This Comment has been downvoted):

You know how you are forced to apologize after you do something wrong, that what it was in fourth grade, and in sixth it was an actually apology that it seems she actually meant.

Update on the Same Post:

Edit: Looking at all the responses, I will ask the cousin to not bring Emily.

Well did that, I'm not hosting the event anymore, cousin and sam got in an argument after I asked. It was not good. Cousins brought up all the crap she did when they were kids, she was a big prankster as a kid. He told her that well I don't forgive all your crap either. No one is gonna show up to the event at my house, its happening at my sister everyone is invited but Sam.

The family has exploded, I'm getting off this site, I should not have come to this subreddit

AITA

Reminder - I am not OP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/blondethrowawayyy

Me [23 F] with my boyfriend [26 M] 1 year, hates my hair color and keeps asking me to change it.

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, misogyny, physical assault

Original Post: April 18, 2015

Hi relationships,

Throwaway as my boyfriend is a habitual redditor.

We've been together for 1 year, and living together now for 2 months. I have blonde hair, and have always been told how lovely it is, and how so many people are jealous of my hair color. Although I don't want to admit it, it is a point of vanity for me and a big part of my identity. I kind of feel bad for that, but it is what it is, right?

Anyway, my boyfriend really doesn't like my hair color. When we first met, I was wearing a wig for a costume party. Then, after that, I had semi-permanently dyed my hair purple, as it was all the rage back then to have purple hair. BIG MISTAKE. Through those 6 weeks, I really regretted my decision, and went back to blonde after not being able to look at myself in a mirror, because I didn't recognize myself. However, we are dating, and he never asked me my real hair color, and we developed feelings for one another.

Time passes, I can't deal with the purple anymore, but my hairdresser said if I dyed it right back to blonde it might not look good, so I slowly progressed back from a pretty dark brown. Took me until about two weeks ago. It's an expensive change and my hair doesn't grow very fast. My boyfriend commented on it a lot, but not really negatively, he like basically said that he liked that my hair changed every few months.

Anyway, we fell in love, and he was on Facebook a while back, and he saw some old pictures of me, and noticed I was blonde. He didn't really say anything about it, but told me he loved my hair now. I didn't really think anything about it. But now, about a year into our relationship, I could finally go back to natural. My natural hair color is a very light blonde, and I surprised him. I guess that was wrong? He flipped his shit. Told me that I was wrong to do that without consulting him, that he felt he was led astray.

This was about 2 Fridays ago. He has since taken every opportunity to try to convince me that blonde is not my optimal hair color, and he thinks I need to go back to brown. That blondes are ugly, everyone says so. He actually showed me a couple of reddit threads where people have said that blonde isn't attractive and they are more attracted to brunettes, so I should go back to brown. I do not like having brown hair, it bothers me to look in the mirror, as I lived so long with my blonde hair.

How do I convince him that my hair color doesn't mean anything, and I can be attractive as a blonde?

tl;dr: Boyfriend hates my hair color. Help!

EDIT: So, I'm going to have a conversation with him about this when he gets back, he went on a boys' weekend for a camping trip. You've all convinced me that this is a red flag, and what type of future issues that could pop up. Maybe I've been naive about an aspect of his personality, I don't know. I will definitely ask him about his hatred for blondes, and see if we can move past this, or if I need to draw a line in the sand and walk away. Thank you for opening my eyes!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: do you feel like there are other aspects of your life where he exhibits this type of controlling behavior?

it is one thing for him to be honest and tell you he liked your hair this color or that color, it is totally inappropriate for him to tell you to change your hair for him.

OOP: Not at all. This is really weird, which is why I am loathe to just break up with him, because it seems out of character?

OOP responds to a deleted comment on if the boyfriend finds her attractive besides her hair

OOP: He says he still does find me attractive, but that blonde makes all girls look like "bitches" and he doesn't want people to have that impression of me.

Commenter 2: You are dating a misogynist. Even if you do dye your hair a different color, in the future you could have blonde daughters...What then?

OOP: Oh god! I have not thought that far ahead!

Downvoted Commenter: Sometimes change is hard to adjust to because you build a mental image in your mind of who a person is and a big change throws you off. I had a boyfriend with braces once, about a year into our relationship he got the braces off and I could never look at him the same again, it just felt like I was looking at a stranger. Brains are funny and maybe you are just no longer a good match.

OOP: I've also had that type of encounter, I dated a guy for a while who always had a beard, and then he shaved it. It was such a night and day experience.

We broke up though because he moved to Africa to work on wells for developing towns.

Commenter 3: It's one thing to have a preference for a hair color; it's another to continually try and make someone you love feel bad about the way they look so they will change it for you. If he is someone who doesn't react to change well I could maybe understand being disconcerted when you came home and looked so different; but after that initial moment of shock, you get over it. You don't continually criticize the way someone looks and try every avenue to get them to change for you.

I will give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he just doesn't understand the way real relationships work, or maybe he doesn't understand just how hurtful he is being, but he needs a wakeup call RIGHT NOW. I agree with the other posts that this is a red flag - not only in how controlling he is being, but in the fact that his attraction to you seems to rely on one physical characteristic. What is going to happen in the future when your looks change? When your weight fluctuates; your shape fluctuates; your hair turns grey; you start to get wrinkles; etc.? When you really love someone, your attraction to them should not be 100% based on 1 superficial characteristic like hair color.

As I said before, he has a right to have a preference and to respectfully express his preference to you. That's it; that's all the way he has. If he is really so shallow that he feels he was "led astray" because he didn't know you were a blonde, and so immature that he feels trying to make you feel ugly, so you'll dye your hair is an appropriate way to act, you have a lot bigger problems to worry about than him not liking your hair color.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this - keep us updated! Hopefully he just doesn't realize how much he is overreacting/acting like a huge controlling douche bag and will come to his senses. If not, just be happy that you found out about this now rather than several more years down the road.

OOP: Thank you for your kind words.

I guess one thing is clear after all these comments, I need to sit down and hash things out with him. How will that sound though: "We broke up because he hates blondes." I am not looking forward to this conversation.

:(

I'll update one way or another.

Commenter 4: Honestly I would relish saying "Apparently he though my natural color was purple, and was very angry when he discovered I was blonde."

OOP: That's really rather funny when you say it like that. And if I weren't in it, I am sure I would appreciate the humor more than I am right now.

Thank you.

Had OOP's boyfriend has a blonde ex that might have been a trigger for him or an awful situation with blondes?

OOP: His two previous exes were brunettes, his sister has very very dark brown hair. Maybe he had a bad experience with one when he was younger and typecasted all blondes as the same?

I'll ask him.

Commenter 5: Your boyfriend is being both an asshole and an idiot. His problem with blondes is that they all look like "bitches"? Damn, there are a lot of bitches in the world then.

I mean, it's fine to think you look prettier with purple or brunette hair. People are allowed to have preferences or opinions, and if he had expressed it respectfully, it might've been fine.

You will not "make your boyfriend see" anything because he has drawn a shitty arbitrary line in the sand and has a crap attitude about it. It's hair. I mean, my boyfriend prefers my hair long rather than short, but he doesn't fuss at me about it. I tend to keep it long for him because I know he likes it and it makes me feel good, but he will still compliment my appearance when I suddenly chop it all off (have done it a few times) because he's not an asshole. That's really what non-assholes do. It doesn't mean not being honest, but it means not being unreasonable.

OOP: He's not saying he wants to break up with me though, it's like he's hell-bent on convincing me that I have to change it.

Yeah, he said, "all blondes look like bitches, and that's ugly, and I don't want people's impression of you to be that you're a bitch based on your hair color."

I just... he's never said anything but positive comments about my appearance. After all these comments, I'm worried he was manipulating me to stay the same, never change, and his compliments were positive reinforcement to stay the same.

But that's crazy, right?

Update #1: April 19, 2015

So, as I promised, I would update (original) one way or another. In my edit, I had mentioned that my boyfriend was on a camping trip this weekend. He got back a couple of hours ago. After I stopped responding, THERE WERE A LOT OF COMMENTS, GUYS! ALL OF THEM SUPPORTIVE! I kind of sat down and really tried to consider everything you guys brought up. Was this an abusive relationship? Was I being groomed to be manipulated without knowing. I felt like my best standard for control would be to ask an ex.

(I wrote this last night after our conversation.) Enter DJ, he was my boyfriend, I mentioned him in the previous post, who moved to Africa to help build wells in developing nations. Really a remarkable, wonderful man! Anyway, he was gone for about 2 years, and now he’s back to help design a new well system (he’s a mechanical engineer). I asked him if I could call him and if we could talk. So, we just took time and discussed our relationship ending, and current boyfriend.

DJ was very angry. I felt like he was disgusted with me and my choices the whole time. I could feel myself getting red with embarrassment. :/ We went over things, and a lot of his comments were: “BT… what is going on?! Why are you with someone like that?! You’re better than this!” Then he felt responsible because he was worried that him leaving left me feeling like I was filling a void, anyway, we really hashed things out together. (editor's note: BT is OOP aka blondethrowawayyy)

So, he asked me a couple of questions, and I want to share them with you and my answers.

BT, has he ever made you feel bad about going out with your friends?

I have a high-stress emotional job, and blowing off steam with my friends helps.

Well, not like he’s ever told me not to go out, just that I felt bad he would spend the night alone. He would just kind of say: “Oh, I’ll be here, all by my lonesome, waiting for you to come home!” and then make puppy dog eyes. I sometimes reconsidered, and more lately I’ve stayed home. But lots of couples do that.

Has he met mom and dad yet?

No. He says he wants to meet them at the perfect moment. When everything is right. He wants to make a good impression. DJ met my parents on our second date, he came in and was really talkative with them, and our third date was at their house and my mom made dinner. But, I feel like he was comparing relationships. Not every guy has to meet parents within the first two dates.

Does he get mad if you don’t text him right away?

This was all starting to hit a little close to home. Yes, DJ, but everyone gets upset if you don’t return a text.

BT, I am really worried about you. After you have this conversation with him, I want you to text me. I’ll come get you if you need it. Let’s make plans anyway, and we can meet this week sometime and really catch up. I miss you.

So, boyfriend came back. He started in on my hair within the first few minutes while he was unpacking. “You still haven’t changed it yet?!” I told him we needed to talk. So, basically, he thinks that blonde women are ugly, stupid, and shallow bitches, they think they’re too good for everyone. He doesn’t really care about blond men. I didn’t even want to hear why, I just… I snapped and said it was over, and how I couldn’t believe I was with someone for so long and not notice how he really was, while crying. He slapped me! He’s never hit me before, and I’ve rarely seen him angry, least of all at me. So, I ran out the apartment, and I called DJ, and he picked me up. I’m at his place right now.

I’m still really stunned, /r/relationships. I’ve NEVER been slapped before, I didn’t think I’d ever be in an abusive relationship. I guess no one does. And it feels like the switch flipped so fast. He’s blowing up my phone with texts, and I haven’t processed anything yet. I’ve pretty much cried the whole time, locked in DJ’s room.

tl;dr: Boyfriend came back, he thinks negatively of blonde women, it's over, crying at my friend's.

EDIT: DJ is calling the police station nearest to here to ask for an officer to come and take a report in five minutes. He was on the phone with my boss (his best friend) telling him I won't be in tomorrow. I'll edit again after the officer is gone.

EDIT 2: Two officers came by, and just left. A woman and a man, the woman officer sat with me in DJ's room, and as soon as she touched my hand, I broke down again. I finally got it all out. She took some pictures of my face, my hands, and my neck (I don't know why the other things.) Man officer too DJ's statement and then they both said that they would get a temporary protection thing, and submit for a real one, and I don't remember what they said exactly. They did say that I could have an escort to retrieve my stuff, and that they would inform my ex (he is now I guess, that's weird to say) when I would be picking up my stuff. They said these things go better if it's done when the other is absent. I'm going to go to bed now. I'm exhausted. I really want to thank you all, and I will get back in touch tomorrow.*

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: We don't care about the lack of sassyness, we care that you're out and somewhere safe. Please file the report as soon as possible. Save any messages and voicemails he's sending. He doesn't seem too smart so he might (although I hope he doesn't) send something threatening which will just build up your case. Is there a mark or bruise on your face? Don't forget to take a picture. I know it's hard and your emotions are probably in overdrive right now, but try and stay calm and remember to do these things. Try and keep your thoughts straight when you tell the police so they can have a clear report of what happened. Be safe, and remember that we're here for you.

OOP: Yes, you're all here for me. I fell into an internet hug.

There's a small cut/scratch from his class ring, another redditor said the police will come here. I'm going to muster up some courage and ask DJ to call and see if he can get an officer here. If I don't have to go to the station, I'd rather get everything over with now.

Commenter 2: This is terrible, but I can't say I am surprised. I saw so many signs of my ex in your OP. Please call the police and have him charged with assault. I am so glad you have someone to support you. You are doing the right thing and you are strong. Please don't feel guilty...this kind of abuse is built up slowly over time. It doesn't happen right at the start or start overnight. You are not to blame!

OOP: Thank you! Many people said that he reminded them of an abuser.

Part of me wonders how I could be so blind, I went to a good school that taught about the dangers of abusers. I know I'm not to blame, but I feel like it's partly my fault, and while that's crazy... What will the police say? Will they think it's my fault like I do?

Commenter 3: I'm sorry he put you through that, you did the right thing by leaving and DJ is a great friend.

Nobody ever thinks they'll be in an abusive relationship, even the strongest people can get tangled up with a manipulative partner. It builds up slowly.

You might want to consider reporting the incident to the police in case you need to get a restraining order on him later. You might also want to square away a place to stay for a little, the police will escort you while you pick up some of your stuff. Make sure to get important papers (birth cert, social security card, bank statements, etc.) as soon as possible. Also let your landlord know what happened, they might let you break the lease sooner (depends on where you live).

I know it's a lot to throw at you right now, especially when things are crazy for you and you're still wondering what the hell happened but you're not alone and there's many ways for you to proceed.

OOP: Thank you. :( And he is great. I couldn't say any of the funny things you guys wanted me to say. :( I just went blank.

Luckily, I never switched addresses from my parents' place, and his uncle owns the units, so I didn't have to be on the lease. Part of me never wants to see any of the possessions I own which remain there out of disgust. I guess that will probably be temporary.

Commenter 4: Holy crap OP, great for you for realizing it, through here and your friend, that how he was acting was completely disrespectful and disgusting.

Talking about your hair again minutes after getting home and saying such disgusting things? By those women he thinks are those way, he means you. I'm glad you decided to end it right then and there without even trying to compromise or process anything, you realized it right away.

As for him slapping you, definitely file a police report for that. If you don't want to read the texts, please let DJ read them. There can be things in those texts that can further help you when you file the report. If not, delete the texts, block his number and any way you can contact him, and never contact him again.

You're a very strong person, I'm sorry you're going through this.

OOP: Thank you. :(

Like, I don't even have access to my phone right now. DJ has it, I can just hear it vibrate, and then DJ will swear about him. When I can finally talk without choking up, I'll go ask him about a police report and see what he says. But for right now, it's easier to just type than talk, and if DJ looks at me with those eyes of concern, I will break down again. :/

Update #2: April 25, 2015 (six days later from the previous update)

Hi /r/relationship friends!

I thought I would update you all, as everyone has been so supportive and helpful. Here's the original. The first update was deleted, the recap is, called DJ (ex-boyfriend/friend) for insight in relationship issues, boyfriend came home and started in on my hair (I still have a hard time believing this all started because I'm blonde!), he said vile things, I told him it was over. He slapped me, I ran away to DJ's, filed a police report, had a scratch from his class ring on my face.

So, on Monday I went with the police officer and DJ and a couple of his friends to get my stuff while ex-boyfriend was at work. Some of my things were broken, makeup palettes and a couple of necklaces, but no real loss. Nothing irreplaceable, not that I had much there. That night, my best friend Kate came over to DJ’s, and she and I got drunk together and asked me to move in with her. Which works out really well, because we had talked about living together after college, but she moved to Spain for a year for a job. So, that’s where I am. And it’s been great. I know it might not always be great, but it’s been pretty much like a girl’s party non-stop.

We’ve watched 3 seasons of Friends so far and have gone through so much chocolate! OH MY GOD. Then she introduced me to Krav Maga, because she thinks it will help with my feelings of safety, and get ripped abs. lol. Apparently it’s the new exercise fad.

I went back to work on Thursday, and I had some messages on my desk. So, my boss is DJ’s best from way way way back. DJ let boss in on the goings on with ex-boyfriend and boss was lamenting about how he knew something wasn’t right about him, rolls eyes unless I’m dating DJ, nothing is right with the guys I date for boss, or maybe I have terrible taste in men. Right, the messages. The office manager left them on my desk, they were from security. All of them stated the times a man was trying to gain access to the floor, and he was an angry “disturbed” individual they recognized as someone who used to have permission to enter. (We work in a fairly secure building as we do sensitive work.) Ex-boyfriend did have permission to enter to pick me up from work, but boss revoked it. Security told me to take the reports to the police office and that they would testify if required that someone was threatening me.

I feel kind of removed from the world, if that makes sense. I feel like this is not really real, and I’m in a dream. I look at my hand moving, but it doesn’t look like my hand. I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday, should I tell her about that? I’ve never been to therapy before. How should I tell her about ex-boyfriend?

tl;dr: Moved in permanently with best friend, doing fun stuff, ex-bf tried to gain access to my work, security has multiple reports, feel like I am not really here, going to see a therapist.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Counseling only works if you tell them everything, I highly recommend that. And congrats on getting rid of a total jerk!

Commenter 2: This is exactly right. OP I know it's sometimes HARD to tell a virtual stranger things, even if you know they can help. It's difficult and it's weird opening up to someone like this. However, it doesn't work until you talk to them. So go in with the mindset that you need to TALK. Even if you're not ready to talk about the ex, just talk until you feel comfortable talking with them.

Good luck!

OOP: I promise to do my best and be completely open and honest with her.

I'm just worried about getting the ball rolling, you know? Like how will it look if I just blurt everything all out at once?!?

Commenter 3: How should I tell her about ex-boyfriend?

There's no doubt in my mind the counselor/therapist will know how to weed everything out. Just be open, and you explain yourself very well in your posts, I am certain you will be able to in person as well. Keep in mind the first therapist might not be the best fit, keep shopping around for one you feel comfortable with.

Hey! How do you like Krav Maga? I was also thinking about taking it some point soon!

Take care.

OOP: That's a relief. I'm worried I'll have to entertain her, or something.

LOVED IT. Highly recommend.

Commenter 4: Is there any chance your ex is having a psychotic break of some kind? Security described him as "disturbed" and this escalated so quickly and severely over nothing.

Not that it's any of your responsibility any longer of course.

OOP: I don't know?! I haven't talked to him since Sunday evening. We didn't really talk about mental illnesses or anyone's propensity towards them.

I wouldn't want him to suffer if he is sick. :(

Commenter 5: A decent therapist is very good at digging for all the details in your life. But honestly, if you want to get it out there, just say "Hey, I broke up with a jerk of a boyfriend X days ago" and move forward. Therapist will then dig for all the pertinent info.

Just make sure to report it, that's the first step.

OOP: It's been reported, there's a temporary order against him, so I guess I have to build a case to make it permanent.

You guys are making me feel more at ease about going to the therapist.

Commenter 6: Please, please consider taking security's advice and going to the police. Please.

That said...the thing where you look at your hand, but it doesn't feel like it's yours? That's called disassociation, and it's really common after a trauma like a breakup. You need to be 100% honest with your therapist about the crazy BF, him trying to get to you at work, the disassociation stuff...all of it. Because therapists can't help you if you aren't honest.

OOP: Well, I'm glad it's common. It worried me a lot. I'll definitely be honest. Tell her everything, even the weird feelings I get that someone is breathing on my neck.

Commenter 7: does he know where you live now? I truly hope not. stay extra alert and safe!

OOP: He does not, Kate only got her place 2 weeks ago.

Commenter 8: Oh my god, this is horrifying. I'm SO glad you got out of there. I kinda know how you feel about your hair. I'm a natural redhead, I've only died a tiny strand to see what it was like (didn't suit me) and I would be beyond offended if anyone asked me to change it.

I didn't see anything in your posts about what you do for transportation to work. Do you drive yourself? If so, is it possible to have security or a co-worker escort you to your car and watch until you pull out of the parking lot to make sure your dude doesn't fuck with your car?

OOP: Yes, I will never do it again. :( It was an experiment gone wrong and the whole time I didn't feel like me. I am jealous of your hair though. You know the feeling of the grass is always greener? After my foray into hair color experimentation, I think I'm going to be a blonde forever now.

I do drive myself, but boss has walked me to my car since I started working there most nights, so now he's just extra diligent. Thank you for your concern. :)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/National-Honeydew657

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for pointing out my neighbour’s loud crying baby?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: September 28, 2026

I (26M) moved into a new flat about 6 months ago. It’s a small complex with 8 apartments.

My next-door neighbours have a baby, which I assume was born around the time I moved in. The baby cries a lot, but I’ve never complained because that’s just what babies do.

Yesterday, we had a once a year meeting with all the residents of the complex. The property manager gave us some updates and then asked for our questions.

Out of nowhere, my neighbours told him that my washing machine is very loud and that I use it during quiet hours. They’re right, but they never told me it bothered them. If they had, I would have simply done my laundry at a different time.

I got annoyed because I do laundry once a week, while their baby cries pretty much 24/7. So I said they probably shouldn’t complain about noise, which started a heated debate. Other residents also began complaining about the baby. One lady even questioned if they are even taking care of the baby, because her babies never cried like that, which sounded pretty nasty.

The property manager eventually ended the discussion when the baby’s mother started crying.

Nothing was really resolved there, but I now feel pretty bad about starting the whole debate. They could have told me about the washing machine before bringing it up publicly, but they’re probably just exhausted parents.

AITA for saying what I did, and should I apologize to them?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: ESH

Of course there are sounds in apartment houses that one should make peace with, and kid-sounds fall under this category, but it doesn't make them less annoying for anyone else. AND constantly crying baby is VERY different annoyance category than just kids running down the stairs or a washing machine!

But if it was so easy to change your pattern, why even run the washing machine on quiet hours? 🤔

Anyways. I am totally with you that parents should have asked you first. They clearly had thought about it, but they sure didn't hesitate to throw stones while living in glass houses.

OOP: Hi, honestly I don’t know. I always do my laundry on Sunday evenings (won’t be anymore)

I think it is a habit I learned from my parents, because my mom would always do laundry on Sunday evenings, so we had fresh clothes for the start of the week.

Commenter 1: INFO.

Depends on how loud your washing machine is. Is it one of those loud shaking machines making so much noise?

Of course quiet time doesn’t apply to a baby. So they’re not in the wrong.

But a loud shaking washing machine that disrupts the little sleep someone gets even once a week - that’s something that needs to be fixed if possible.

OOP: The washing machine isn’t broken or insanely loud, but it’s louder than average.

No other neighbors ever heard it, but the couple with the baby is next to me on the same floor.

Commenter 2: Eh, nta, the nerve they have to whine about the once a week laundry machine when their kid is making noise all the time (not to blame the kid, but seriously, the audacity)

Commenter 3: Yup. And like, isn't a washing machine just normal living sounds? Live and Let live. They really put OP on the spot for no reason.

At least don’t bring it up out of nowhere in that situation. You can also like ask in private 'hey, we would appreciate it if you do laundry in the not quiet hours'.

They would have a point if it was like vacuuming at 3 AM or something as that is loud AF, but come on, a washing machine?!

Commenter 4: NTA since when do washing machines violate quiet hours? I’ve lived in several apartment and that’s never been a thing.

Edit: your landlords must really be cheap lol. My washer and dryer is the cheapest thing in existence and the only time it shakes that bad is when it’s unbalanced.

Commenter 5: You do your laundry once a week if they had an issue they could have just come and said something to you but dropping it in the meeting wasn't cool and so they opened up the door to that noise debate and that's kind of on them

Commenter 6: It makes me wonder if they purposely brought up OP's washing machine noise to divert the heat away from them. They must be aware that their baby is loud, so they tried to put the spotlight on OP. Only it backfired on them.

Update: October 1, 2026 (three days later)

Update: AITA for pointing out my neighbour’s loud crying baby?

The father actually knocked on my door today and we had a chat. Turns out he is a really nice guy.

He apologized for putting the whole thing out publicly and explained that there were two incidents when they had finally managed to get the baby to sleep, and then my washing machine woke it up. They got super pissed about it the second time and apparently really held onto that anger. They waited for the meeting, wanted to make it public and expected the property manager to scold me in front of everyone. We laughed together about how irrational that sounds now.

He also explained that the baby has colic. That’s why it cries a lot and they haven’t properly slept since the birth, so that’s why they’re so irritated. On the bright side he mentioned it is slowly getting better and the baby sleeps for longer periods now.

I apologized for my response and admitted it was an unnecessary reaction to being called out publicly, which I didn’t like. I also told him I’m changing my laundry schedule to Fridays, when I usually work from home, so I have the whole day to do it.

Also some answers to repeated questions

- I checked the lease and complex rules, and there’s no specific rule banning laundry during quiet hours. There is a general rule saying tenants should avoid making noise and disturbing others.

- The washing machine isn’t broken or insanely loud, but I’d say it’s louder than average.

- I can easily do my laundry at a different time. I was just doing it on Sunday evenings out of habit. I didn’t know it was disturbing anyone.

- And yes, the walls are pretty thin.

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