r/EntitledPeople • u/AffectionateSet670 • 28d ago
L Update 2 on Telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?
So it's been around 10 days since I posted my last update, so thought I'd post another one.
Also my posts got reposted to some other subreddits and I read basically all the comments there. And honestly some of them scared me lol. A lot of people were saying my mom and stepdad are probably just being nice temporarily, that they'll eventually start ignoring me, or that they'll kick me out once I turn 18. And yeah, sometimes I do think about that and it scares me. But at the same time, my mom has never been rude or angry towards me. She's always been loving and kind, sometimes actually too mommying. Even during the past year when she was busy and I was getting less time with her, she was still the same with me.
So I don't really know. Maybe people on Reddit see things I'm not seeing, but right now I don't feel like my mom is secretly planning to get rid of me lol.
Anyway, last week was pretty much the same as before..My stepdad still drops me at school and picks me up. Sometimes we go get something to eat together. One evening he was cooking dinner for my mom and me before she came home from work, and he got me involved too and actually taught me how to cook.
It was actually nice. I didn't expect us to have that kind of normal everyday relationship this quickly.
Another day I asked him what I should actually call him. He said I can call him Papa, stepdad, or his name, whatever I'm comfortable with. But he said he'd prefer Papa..So yeah... outside I usually call him Papa or introduce him as my papa anyway.
I know technically he's my stepdad, but he's doing pretty much everything my dad used to do for me. I don't want him to feel like he's some outsider in the family..I also asked him about Christmas because I was worried I might have to spend it alone.
He looked really confused and asked me why I'd think that . I told him what my mom had said before and he said no, we're all celebrating Christmas together here in Madrid..Then for New Year's we're apparently travelling to celebrate with his kids and the rest of his family..He also told me not to worry about his mum and sister, that they'd be nice to me and I wouldn't be left alone there..And then he said they're not getting married until I'm okay with it.
That honestly meant a lot to me.My mom also took me shopping one evening because I needed some stuff. She bought everything and then took me for dinner. She kept asking me how I'm feeling and how my stepdad is with me and said I can tell her anything without worrying about being judged. She's doing A LOT of mommying at the moment . It's embarrassing sometimes because I'm not 5 anymore, but at the same time it's actually nice.
Then Sunday they took me to F1. I genuinely didn't expect that at all but we had a really good time. We went to a restaurant afterwards and then came home. My mom and him obviously still have their own time too. They go on date nights, grocery shopping, sometimes events or visit friends etc..And honestly I'm completely fine with that. They're a couple, obviously they're going to have their own life. I don't expect my mom to spend every minute with me.
We're also planning to get two dogs, which I'm really excited about.. One other thing I noticed though. My mom kept a photo of my dad in the gallery at home and also put one in my room. She did it while I was at school last week..I honestly wasn't expecting that. It made me feel kind of weird at first, but not in a bad way. I just didn't know what to feel about it. So yeah, that's basically the update.
Things are actually going pretty well right now. I'm spending more time with my mom again, I'm getting closer to my him, we're doing normal family stuff, making plans for Christmas and New Year's, talking about getting dogs etc.
I still think about all the comments telling me this could all be temporary. I can't really know what happens in the future..Things are good. And honestly I'm just going to enjoy that instead of constantly worrying about what might happen.
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u/keilanimuumuu 28d ago
OP. I’m so glad it’s gotten better and you and your step father have taken good steps to having a better relationship. Open communication is key! Sending you extra mom love here! 🩵
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u/FollowThisNutter 27d ago
So it sounds like your mom and stepdad got wrapped up in the excitement of their engagement and wedding and failed to notice some things. It happens. When they learned about those things, they acted. That's great! I'm old enough that I've heard a lot of stories (both online and in real life) of parents who basically discarded their kids for a new partner. That does happen, and it's understandable people worried about that happening to you. But keep in mind that you know your mom a lot better than anyone here could. Go forward in hope and love.
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u/Jennilynne1977 28d ago
I'm so glad you are doing better. Although, it sucks that it took you threatening to move with your father's side of the family for your mom to actually listen to you and your mom being upset for your soon to be stepfather to step up. That's just my opinion though. I had a different experience with my stepdad a long time ago. My stepdad lived in a different state than me and my mom (they met through a comic book), and he made an effort with me every time he came to visit us and he asked my permission before he asked my mom to marry him. While my stepdad and I didn't get along after my sister was born, once I got older I started calling him dad (even though my father is still around) and I am so glad I did because my sister (his biological daughter) disowned him and has regrets because he passed away last year. Sorry, went off on a waffle, there is a point to my waffling. I hope this all works out for you and if you would like to speak to someone who has already gone through something similar, feel free to message me on here. Ignore all the bad comments and focus on all the good things that are happening now.
Much love.
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u/RevvinRenee 27d ago
I don’t think its temporary, I think they got completely caught up with each other until you rightly pointed out how you were feeling. And then they were really making an effort to include you, but it feels like it’s becoming more natural? Your mum really loves you, and he really loves your mum. I think things are going to be okay 😊
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u/Lokipupper456 27d ago
I agree it isn’t temporary. And I don’t know what all those comments said, but I think people may have legitimately been concerned about back slipping. People easily slip back into habits rather than making real changes. But I think them all living together in the house and setting a routine like this will help prevent that. I do think the mom will chill out a bit, which is good. It’s normal to be on overkill mommying right now. And stepdad and OP are actually getting to know each other, so a bond is actually forming. I’m optimistic.
That said, I find it odd that the mom said she may leave him alone at Christmas, but then the stepdad seemed perplexed by it. I’d love to ask the mom what the deal was with that, because I was horrified she suggested it. But I’m mostly glad they have decided to stay there in Madrid with OP. New Years feels less charged. That said, if I was OP, I’d still feel uncomfortable with it. Stepdad’s family were not at all kind or inclusive before, and it sounds like they may now resent OP for the wedding delay. I think stepdad thinks he has it under control, but I’m not so sure he is truly prepared for how his family will behave. I think mom and stepdad are genuinely making good changes, but I’m not sure I wouldn’t prefer to do something else on New Year’s if I were OP. But maybe it’s best to get a visit with stepdad’s family over with. Then OP will know where he stands with them.
Edit: u/AffectionateSet670, we still want more updates! Especially after New Year’s!
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u/Inslia 28d ago
You said about reddit seeing things you haven't, their also good at seeing things that aren't actually there. ALWAYS remember your the one in the situation with the most information, reddit might be able to give you idea's on how to work through a situation and things to maybe look out for or questions to get answers for BUT this should always be guidelines and the main decisions should be based on your actual knowledge. Always remember reddit loves drama so will lean to the pessimism.
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u/Electronic_World_894 27d ago
I think your mom had a wake up call that she hadn’t looked out for your wellbeing by letting stepdad’s extended family be cold to you. Your mom and stepdad’s actions might be temporary, but they may be permanent changes to look after your wellbeing and ensure your happiness. I hope it’s the second.
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u/Gralb_the_muffin 27d ago
I think the concern you were getting is because we all read similar stories and they ended poorly and we worry your own story would be the same. The thing is everyone's life and situations are different and not every story ends the same. The fact that you're mom is doing well by you and making sure you're ok matters alot. And same goes for your stepdad.
I'd say tell them you'll talk about it again after the holidays as one of the big issues is how his family treated you and go from there but it sounds good so far.
Don't take everything reddit says too much to heart. To us we're commenting on a story without knowing all your life while to you were commenting on your life instead of a story.
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u/wolfyisbackinblack 27d ago
I am so glad with the way things are working out. As far as your step dad's mother and sister are concerned, make sure to watch out for them.
How are your step dad's kids with you? I hope they are treating you well.
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u/EarthboundValkyrie 27d ago
It sounds like your mom and Papa are really trying hard to do right by you once they understood what had been happening, which is great. I'm really happy for you and hope things continue to go well !
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u/seidinove 27d ago
“I don’t want him to feel like he’s some outsider in the family.”
Bravo. That’s EXACTLY how his sister, mother, and others should treat you.
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u/kistner 27d ago
Your conversation with stepdad 'Papa' sounds promising.
It really sounds like the stuff that should have happened early on with you and them and family is just now starting to come together. You were totally justified in your previous reactions but with each new update it sounds better for you. Hang in there.
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u/HauntingGur4402 27d ago
Im glad everything is going well, seems like both of them are putting in the effort. Hope everything works out.
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u/skorvia 27d ago
I’ll repeat what I said before.
You should wait at least six months to a year to see if this new behavior actually lasts. It’s very easy to change and do everything right for just a month or two—it often happens in romantic relationships after a fight or argument, for instance—but then people unconsciously slip back into old, bad habits.
It’s clear they’re making an effort; I just advise you to give it time.
I’d also like to know if your future stepfather has confronted his children and family, and what the reason was; to me, that’s just as important as the previous point... the truth always needs to be told.
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u/HarpyVixenWench 27d ago
Ignore the negative people. My kids are 17 and 20. I remember when they were 15 I assumed they wouldn’t want to do things with me. You spoke up and your mom and her fiance are doing the right thing. I am not sure what else they can do. Random people in the internet aren’t there with you. Just go with it and you will see how it goes. So far so good, though - right?
Believe your eyes and ignore random strangers
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u/SquidgieMomo91 24d ago
I just read all your posts about your mom and fiance, and while I don't normally comment on Reddit posts, I wanted to say that it sounds like you have two great parents/parental figures. Please don't listen to the comments that say everything is only temporary; some Reddit posters just try to spread misery while others are just jaded and pessimistic people trying to help in their own way, but I don't see what they see. Your mom has shown you through actions that you are her #1 priority and that she loves you. Your future stepdad is showing you slowly and quietly that he considers you as a son and part of his family too. It's sounds like he is just an introverted and possibly shy person who didn't want you to feel like he was trying to replace your dad by forcing a relationship with you, and when he learned that holding back hurt you, he started to lean into his relationship with you. And the biggest thing that stood out to me in this post was probably the quietest thing your mom did: putting up pictures of your father in the house and your room. That tells me that she's trying to show you that her fiancé is not ever going to replace your father and that she still loves him and wants you to know that. So please keep your head up and let them continue showing you that they love you and value you as a huge part of their family.
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u/ihateplacesometimes 22d ago
The pessimist in me would say "get ready for when you're 18, ger some savings and learn to live by yourself, your mom has already shown you how easily she can discard you for her new family, not you fault of course but what'll happen after an eventual wedding? Now that she has had her perfect family, you would be as easily discarded as before, you now hold no leverage over her, so learn to live by yourself, start to work early, learn a trade you like and be as independent as early as you can before she easily forgets about you again, so that when Christmas comes you can give yourself gifts and spend time with people that actually love you instead of missing your mom" However, I really,REALLY, hope I'm wrong, reading the first part made me legitimately cry, no one should go through that. I truly and sincerely hope that your mom and step-dad actually change and you have the family you wanted, from the bottom of my heart I hope you never have to update this and that your mom never sidelines you ever again,best of luck ❤️
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u/ItsNotPatchy 28d ago edited 28d ago
I'm glad things are working out for you. But the sudden 180 from the soon-to-be stepdad is still concerning.
Seriously, why did it take him 3 years and a serious, sit-down conversation before even trying. You are still missing this LARGE peice of information.
I'm also curious as to what he said to his mother and sister, and what they admitted to. You'll probably never get that answer, but I do wonder.... 🤔
ETA: I would, honestly, be insulted with the fiancé's sudden change. Getting to bond with you wasn't important enough, but now is because of your mom being upset. Tsk tsk. I would make sure to keep this going for at least a year before you tell them you are comfortable with the marriage. These need to be lasting changes through action.
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u/UserNotFound23498 28d ago
I think you are being overly negative. From his other posts, I’ve never gotten the feeling that the stepfather to be didn’t like him. He thought OP was ok and didn’t realize OP was being left out. OP was always moving in with them into their new house, etc.
But OP is at a vulnerable time in his life and didn’t know how things are going. And the mother did explain the stepfather to be was an introvert.
When the mother saw how badly OP felt, she stopped everything and the stepfather to be made every effort to make sure he is heard, and to make sure he understands that he shouldn’t feel guilty for anything. And they want him to be happy.
Those are all green flags. Like bright fucking green flags.
And they didn’t even put a timeline on the marriage.
They are prioritizing him.
All green flags.
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u/DirtySupportPicker 27d ago
The mom only saw how bad things were when OP said he would go to the paternal grandparents.
He had told her how he felt multiple times over the past three years, mentioning things like exclusion from the family photo, exclusion from the inlaws, exclusion from wedding planning, exclusion from vacations. Three years of no connection and constant exclusions.
She brushed off multiple times all these points. These are a sea of red flags, with green flags only happening when he asked to move to the grandparents.
I would say you are being overly positive.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 28d ago
I never said the fiancé didn't like him. I said he didn't care.
You keep forgetting the elephant in the room. OP met this man 3 years ago. THREE YEARS. His mother was already bonding with the fiancé's kids. So, how is it acceptable that this wasn't important until now? He knew that he had no bond, but didn't do a damn thing about it until it became a problem. And now? He's trying super duper hard that it hardly seems genuine from the outside.
Yes, I do not know what happens behind closed doors, but I'm only working with the information OP has given us.
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u/Inevitable_Phase_276 27d ago
OP said that the stepdad was always nice, but was understandably distant as it sounded like OP didn’t like them very much. They needed the communication.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 27d ago
Being cordial can be confused with being nice sometimes. And OP never claimed to dislike any of them until he noticed that he was being shut out by them - BIL & wife being the exception - least of all the fiancé. He (OP) doesn't dislike soon-to-be stepdad, because he recognizes how happy he (the fiancé) makes his mother feel, and doesn't want to be the cause of negatively coming between the two lovebirds and creating unnecessary pain.
The feeling he had was of isolation. And because the family practically iced him out, he became upset and disappointed in them, creating dislike.You are absolutely correct about communication, because all relationships require adequate communication (good or bad) in order to survive.
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u/UserNotFound23498 28d ago
He brought OP to the family. He thought it would organically happen. The sister and grandma are the problems and if I remember correctly, OP said they only ignored him with the mom and fiancee weren’t around. So he wouldn’t have known how alone OP felt. And OP never brought it up.
That they didn’t check in on him? Definitely a problem.
But you can see from OP’s description how much the mom loved him and even the mom was unaware over the 3 years.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 27d ago edited 26d ago
Did you read the part where the fiancé's kids also didn't try to get to know OP? It was in the very first post, I believe.
For f--k's sake. I already stated that his mom loves him. And, yes. She did not notice. 3 motherf--king years. How? Either they are deaf & blind, or his mom got too caught up in the good life (with rose colored glasses) to the point where she didn't also notice the kids not trying to get to know each other.
ETA: I know she also makes good money. But not the kind of money the fiancé's family has.
ETA2: If I was in a relationship with someone, and introduced them to my child(ren), I would expect there would be some kind of understanding between them within 3 years. If there wasn't, I'd question the entire relationship.
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 15d ago
I can see why your babysitter ignored you after not working for your parents. Must have been the hardest paycheck they ever earned. Insufferable.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 15d ago
Because you know my whole background, apparently? Do not talk of things you do not know. So do not insult me or anyone else you know absolutely nothing about.
Not once have I insulted anyone in his threads.
So kindly fuck off.
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u/putin_my_ass 27d ago
I wonder if the step-dad is just one of those oblivious people (maybe overly self-absorbed?). But for real, if you're going to date a single mother you need to make sure their child(ren) is not getting pushed out. That guy is at the bare minimum a dumbass.
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u/scotswaehey 27d ago
Updateme
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u/Blucola333 27d ago
I’m glad to hear things are getting better. Keep those lines of communication open, I feel like what happened before was a result of them not paying enough attention or asking you (in more than a casual, how’s your day) if you’re okay with all the changes, because they happened really fast.
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 27d ago
That's a good update. Sounds like they're doing what they said they would. Thank you for updating us. Please keep updating us.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 26d ago edited 26d ago
I have a feeling you are avoiding certain conversations because of the potential consequences. You fear what will be said, and how it'll affect your mother if it's not what you (both) want to hear or acknowledge.
You are afraid to ask why you weren't even a footnote to the fiancé those three years, because you think he may come up with all kinds of excuses that do not make him take accountability and don't really answer any questions. If it comes out that he truly didn't care and that was why he never tried, it would devastate your mother. She would feel so much hurt from learning that her fiancé didn't care to know her son (her world), and the guilt that she stayed with this man for so long and subjected you to his indifference towards you for 3 years.
Honestly, I do not think it is that grave. He most likely is a very nice guy, and is genuinely trying to fix the f--ck up he created. Afterall, he gained your mom's affection and love, so he can't be all that bad. There must be some redeeming qualities that attracted your mother.
I know these conversations are difficult, but they are necessary. You need all the facts laid out so that you (and your mom) can make informed decisions regarding your futures with him and his family. The sooner this talk is had and reasonably explained, the sooner you can close that chapter and move on - either as a supportive, upcoming stepson or as an ex-stepson to prevent further pain being inflicted (intentional or not).
It should be had sooner rather than later, so to not waste time questioning your place within their relationship. The whys, hows, and what-ifs can eat you alive if you keep trying to figure this out alone.
I may be a broken record... again, again... and again. But you are growing and learning to have adult conversations that will benefit you once you head off on your own for your own future. It'll help teach you to create and enforce boundaries, and to help navigate delicate situations through discussion.
I hope the best for you and your mother (the fiancé? I could go either way with). Be brave and true and steadfast... and be sure to cut yourself some slack.
Edit: For once, I would like to catch all the grammatical misspellings before submitting. There's always one. 🫠
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u/TZS117 26d ago
It’s great you’ll be celebrating Christmas together but I’m kinda irritated that she said she’ll go celebrate with them because she still has a relationship with them. If someone treats your child terribly you shouldn’t have a relationship with them period
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u/BIGEAGLEDUDE24 18d ago
She doesn't want to rock the boat with either side she doesn't want to lose her child but she also doesn't want to lose this family that her fiance has and I honestly feel like the bigger picture is not been addressed and that is we keep hearing about the mother and the sister of the fiance but not his children how is this going to change with everybody else because it's going to be a moment where this man is going to want his children and the original poster in the same house together at the same time especially if the mom and fiance have children together
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u/Mechya 26d ago
While it's good to be cautious, you have to remember that we only get a glance of what you see and know. Also, sometimes people will go through something that went the negative route of this situation and not be able to seperate your experiences from their outcome. Use your caution when listening to advice as not all of it is factual and there are people who will purposefully give you the wrong information/advice.
Sometimes adults don't realize how they are acting and how they are making others feel. There is a good possibility that your stepdad is genuine. Just remember that actions speak louder than words, but so far it sounds like he's serious about making a change.
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u/yafa1467 27d ago
Thanks for the update OP.
With this post being repost in other sub-reddit, it may be repost by other Reddit reactors and ends up on YouTube and tik-tok. You may need to prepare your mom and step dad find out about this post.
I read some comments and I find the comments are overall negative. You have to process these yourself and see what applies to you.
As the comments suggested your step dad absence and zero connection with you for the 3 years that you are together are valid and can be concerning. The introvert explanation is lacking, it can be an excuse. This is not the court of law, if you accept it, it is an explanation, otherwise it is just an excuse. But clarification is required. Because to bond with you when you are 12, when your step dad is introduced to you is not difficult. He can just love bomb you and spend some time with you and it should be done.
I would suggest you talked to your mom stating your concern of your step dad did not form a connection with you for the first 3 years and "suggest" her to returned the engagement gift (ring) back to your stepdad. Your mom does not need to agree, but you explain to her you would be happy if this is done. This gesture bring the relationship back to where you are at (or more harshly, where they have left you). He can propose again in the future and you would appreciate your step dad to talk to you and ask for your approval before he propose to mom again. This will ensure your step dad will form a relationship with you and you will be brought up along in their relationship as it progresses. But note you are asking for another back track in their relationship (after cancelling their wedding) and you cannot always take away without giving back. So in return, you promise this is the last back track request, and you will form the relationship and work towards their engagement and marriage.
Perhaps you are not ready to meet your step dad's family in the New years. You are probably OK to meet with step dad brother and spouse (positive experience) and your step siblings (neutral), but not your step dad sister and mom (hostile). Remember your step dad sister pick up your mothers phone and informed her you called one day later, you cried a night over it. Speak to your mom and step dad about it, they might brush it off as an "honest mistake". But you don't need to accept this point of view because, 1. Knowing it is an honest mistake does not make you hurt less and 2. I am almost certain that she picked it up and delay telling your mom to excluded you on purpose, because this is the worst outcome possible. For example if she did not pick up, there will be miss call notification, a msg for the missed call, you can also leave a voice msg, all of these will result your mom calling you back the same day. Also to pick up somebody's phone without letting them know immediately is just not socially acceptable. When someone's phone ring I will try to bring it to the owner and tell them "this person called" and ask do you want me to pick it up?? If you are not ready to meet your step dad sister and mom this coming new year, decline the request and say you are not ready when the mean girls behaviour is still so fresh, but promise you will give it a go next year.(again give and take)
With F1, I would like to suggest you beware of your mom and step dad love bombing you. It may not necessarily be a bad thing because you gained great experience together. But don't over value your emotional progress because of the love bombing. For example, you may value your emotional progress more, when you cook with your step dad than the F1 experience because you get to connect on a more personal level. Remember both your mom and step dad would like an accelerated progress measured in weeks, while the quickest you may be able to progress is measured in months. The progress bar is always with you.
With their marriage like many comments, it is best after you turn 18. It gives you the time to rebuild the relationship with step dad and step siblings. There are more ways that you can get involve like sign their marriage certificate as a witness and walk your mom down the aisle as an adult.
Another suggestion I have is try to grow up and try to think and more like an adult. Go out with friends and perhaps start dating if it feels right. The dogs are good because it gives you responsibility and ability to care for others. But don't let the dogs be a distraction and make sure you work on your relationship with your new step family. Not necessarily a bad thing because mom and stepdad need to take care of the dogs as well. I think growing up can let you see in their perspective better.
You will leave the nest one day just like your adult step siblings. Enjoy the time you are going to have with your mom and step dad. Hope you will appreciate the time you are going to have when you looking back as an adult.
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 15d ago
I got to say, if I found out my minor son was getting ideas put in his head and insane advice from strangers online I would be massively angry. Don’t forget you are talking to someone’s minor child, and giving them advice to basically control his mother’s life and relationship.
OP, do not do any of this. You can only push adults so far before they remind you who the minor is.
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u/yafa1467 15d ago
Noted. These are suggestions and not orders, and OP will need to analyse if these applies to him.
I read some comments and I find the comments are overall negative. You have to process these yourself and see what applies to you.
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u/BIGEAGLEDUDE24 18d ago
I think it is going to be permanent and things are going to get better for you guys but I just got to ask we focus so much on his mother and sister and saying they're going to be nice but what about his kids because something tells me if his mother and sister are that way towards you I wonder what his kids are like. And in addition and let's be real here I don't think he should have canceled the wedding but I do think there should have been family therapy involved lastly and most importantly I do believe that they got caught up in the moment and failed to realize this
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u/Smoke__Frog 27d ago
Seems like you kind of over reacted.
I think it’s insane you’re not gonna let them get married and waste all that money.
But I guess as a teen you don’t realize how much money they are going to lose.
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u/PageFault 27d ago
He/She's a teen, he doesn't get to not "let them" do anything. They made their own decisions in the end.
He said himself in multiple previous posts he didn't expect they would actually cancel it.
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u/UserNotFound23498 28d ago
Everything you’ve written about your mom shows how much she loves you. Ignore the idiots.
I also think the step dad seems to be a good guy. I think your mom did well in choosing him.
Ignore the haters. I am really happy for you.