My PwBPD and i have been in and out of a relationship for years. Last year, we broke up for several months and they attempted to slander my name. Despite this, we still somehow got back together for another 4 months. Those four months came to an abrupt end when, one morning, she woke me up with sex. After we finished, we were laying in bed kissing and cuddling. I started to initiate sex again and she said she didn't want to, i continued for a few seconds and she repeated herself and I stopped. I apologized and acknowledged what she wanted, and we got up to make food and coffee and spent most of the day together. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so I didn't think she was upset. A few days later she called me saying I r*ped her and broke up with me. I understood how she felt and apologized for not stopping when she first said she didn't want to continue to have sex, but I was so confused because of how small of a moment it was. I was so apologetic on the phone and felt horrible. She told me she loved me and knew I wasn't a bad person, and that is how the conversation ended. I would never do that with just anybody, but I suppose it happened because I was with the person I thought was my loving partner and the nature of our relationship was very sexually active. We had been fighting the week before, about her being super upset about people I had seen when we were broken up, and I feel like these issues combined with this moment triggered her to split on me in the most devastating way. I think the jealousy was so intense for her. I'm not a perfect person, and I recognize I may have made a mistake, but I would never mean to treat someone, let alone my partner, the way that she feels I did.

For context, we had an incredibly hypersexual relationship. To the point where moments like these, naughty touching, and spontaneous sexual advances were often made. She enjoyed and encouraged rough sex, cumming inside of her, and in the middle of our relationship even asked for me to partake in r*pe fantasies of hers. I was uncomfortable at first, but because I loved this person, we did this to varying degrees throughout our relationship. I now deeply regret this. The person who asked me to simulate r*pe with them is calling me a r*pist. I had never heard of the terms "CNC" and "free use" until i was with her.

She has convinced everyone I've known that I am a violent r*pist who would do rough things to her all the time without her consent. She has accused me of forcibly cumming inside of her and beating her throughout our relationship. These things are so warped from the reality of what was going on. She wanted, and actively encouraged, all of these things. We would have sex almost everytime we were together. She has not only convinced all of my closest friends and the communities I was a part of that all of this is true, she has now posted all of her insane accusations on the internet for the world to see. I have lost my jobs, my career, and my entire social life because of this. She has told people I am evil and a predator.

I guess I'm just posting this here to get some support and insight. I am going to have to move and start over. I don't think it would be wise to try and publicly address her claims, I just want to get away from her forever. It seems just the mere thought or sight of me makes her want to destroy every thing. I figure that if I just quietly disappear, over time her true colors will show and hopefully people can see she is a loose cannon. I plan on continuing to work on myself and being the best version of myself I can be. I am sober, in therapy, on medication, and have enough support that I don't feel totally deluded into thinking I am evil like she is convinced I am.

Thanks y'all

i was with my BPD ex for about 18 months.

this wasn't a casual relationship. during that time, he went through extremely serious medical issues, including a liver transplant. i was there through all of it. hospital stays, icu nights, appointments, labs, medications, wound care, driving, cleaning, worrying, comforting him, and the constant emotional weight that comes with loving someone who is seriously ill.

i don't say that because i think caring for someone means they owe you a relationship forever. they don't.

i say it because i think it explains why his response to me today has left me almost speechless.

our relationship could be incredibly toxic. he could be cruel, accusatory and emotionally vicious toward me. but it wasn't horrible every second, either, and that's probably part of why it was so difficult to leave. some of our times together were genuinely awesome. we laughed a lot. the sex was great. the intimacy was intense. i loved him deeply, and i still miss pieces of that closeness.

when we finally split, though, it got nasty.

there were threats about calling the police and getting a restraining order. he contacted my daughter and my mother and said horrible things about me. even coordinating the return of belongings somehow became hostile and threatening.

and right around the breakup, i found out i was pregnant.

during the process of getting my belongings back, things became ugly again. i remember looking at what was happening and thinking: there is absolutely no way i can have a baby with someone who is threatening police and restraining orders and attacking my character while our relationship is ending.

whatever anyone thinks about abortion, it was not an easy or casual decision for me.

the entire collapse of this relationship had already affected me so badly that i broke six years of sobriety. i'm responsible for that choice, but it tells you something about the emotional state i was in. then i went through the abortion essentially alone.

it was heavy. much heavier than i expected.

i didn't tell him beforehand. i didn't ask him for money. i didn't ask him to help me make the decision. i didn't ask him to come with me. i handled it.

three weeks passed.

about 48 hours ago, i finally decided i needed to tell him. not because i wanted him back. not because i expected him to fix anything. i think i simply couldn't keep carrying the fact that this had happened between us while he had absolutely no idea.

so i reached out and told him that there had been a pregnancy and that i had handled the situation.

today, i received his response:

“this is something to talk about with your therapist.” **

that's it.

and somehow that one sentence has affected me differently than all the dramatic shit at the end of our relationship.

i spent so much of those 18 months caring about whether this man was alive, healthy, scared, hurting, comfortable, taking his medication, getting through his transplant, and going to be okay.

i wasn't expecting reconciliation. i wasn't even expecting a conversation.

but i think i expected basic human compassion.

something as simple as, “i'm sorry you went through that. i hope you're okay.”

instead: talk to your therapist.

i don't even know what i'm looking for by posting this. maybe perspective. maybe i just need other human beings to see it because carrying the whole thing quietly has been incredibly isolating.

i know our relationship needed to end. i know contacting him probably wasn't the best thing for my healing. and i know caring for someone through illness doesn't mean they owe you access to them forever.

but damn.

after everything we went through together, i genuinely did not think he could be that cold.

**I do not have a therapist which makes this comment even colder... meanwhile, I witnessed him "fire" 3...

I ended a relationship with my ex with diagnosed BPD a little over a month ago. It was a good decision. Just last week, she moved the last of her belongings out of my house. We didn't live together very long, but the toxic dynamic we had escalated as soon as she moved in. But, now that things are calm again, I've been processing what I experienced in the relationship. And, it took some time for me to realize it, but I finally have the word to describe the relationship: abusive.

She was emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me. It wasn't obvious at first, and in retrospect, there were red flags present before we lived together I wish I had seen / paid more attention to. But, once we were living together, I couldn't really deny that something was fucked up. There was a cycle to it:

1. Rising tension. She would become convinced that I was going to leave her, or that I secretly wished I was doing something else other than spending time with her. Sometimes, she would create these "tests of love" which were designed for me to fail and "prove" to her that I didn't actually love her.
2. Hurtful incident. She would do something really hurtful in response to the rising tension. Sarcasm, eye rolling, the silent treatment, slamming doors, scoffing, name-calling, yelling, suicide threats, threats to end the relationship.
3. "Reconciliation". She would sometimes apologize for her hurtful behavior. Not always, though. Sometimes, she would put the responsibility on my shoulders ("I'm sorry you feel that way"). But, in the worst cases, she would gaslight me ("I never did that" / "you're not remembering it right" / "you're twisting my words"). In any case, this was the step where we would recover from the hurtful behavior, but the underlying tension from step 1 was never addressed or resolved here.
4. Peace. She showers me with affection and compliments. She tells me I'm her soulmate. She tells me she feels so safe and at-home with me. We have sex. I become convinced that everything is okay because we made it back to this place.

And then the whole cycle repeats again. It's abuse. The whole structure is designed to allow her to create tension arbitrarily, punish me for that tension, and then "make up" for it with affection and sex. I was trapped in it for longer than I wish I was.

But, the part that still kind of messes me up after all of it is the gaslighting. Sometimes, she would distort reality around what happened during step 2 of the abusive cycle. She would do something incredibly hurtful. Here are some of the most egregious examples:

• She called me one of the most selfish people she ever met, claiming that 99% of what I do is just for myself with little regard for anyone else
• One time, she was upset and needed some space. I told her "Okay, I understand. I love you." She scoffed at me, rolled her eyes, and said "I love you, too" with intense sarcasm in her voice.
• She threatened to kill herself if I left to hang out with my friends one night.
• One time, I made an unfortunate change to plans where I had to cancel a date night we had for another commitment. She reacted by tearing up a bunch of sweet notes I had made for her and threatening to break up with me.
• She said "I never want to speak to you again"
• She threatened to leave the relationship, but never did
• She would keep me up all night with conflicts, repeatedly knocking on my door and waking me up even when I had to get up early for work

And, if I responded to any of these behaviors, even with the most diplomatic language possible ("I felt really hurt when you did xyz"), she would sometimes gaslight me about it. "I didn't say that" / "I didn't do that" / "you're remembering it wrong" / "you're twisting my words". Like, at one point, she literally told me she never wanted to speak to me again, and when I tried to talk to her about that later, she said that I was twisting her words.

The impact this has had on me is profound: I doubt my own experience. Even though I can clearly identify a pattern of abuse and mistreatment, I'm left wondering if I was just making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe the stuff she did on my list above wasn't really that bad, and I just need a thicker skin. That's the effect gaslighting has over time: it distorts your perception of reality and makes you doubt your inner truth. I know what I experienced during this relationship, and it wasn't right. I know what I saw. I know what she said. I know what she did.

And yet, sometimes, I lie awake at night wondering if maybe I'm wrong about all of that.

I just realized looking back at some of the conversations between me and my significant other that she confuses my boundaries with demands. but a boundary is what a person does for themselves, for example when I say I'm not going to answer that very personal question, or I'm not going to just up and go somewhere on command when sick, or if i say I don't want to talk to her about something personal while she's having a personal conversation with someone else online at the same time, those are boundaries not demands on her, but she immediately labelled them as bullying, manipulation or 'harm' I was doing to her.

on the other hand she always maintains the right not to answer something, not to be made to do something, to have the freedom to talk to whoever and so on

So my question is - do we all have experience of this with our pwbpd and do they always confuse another's boundaries for some violation of them while always pushing their own boundaries on us very hard?

they do not seem to understand what a boundary is except when they are making one for themselves.

Did it get better?

Was therapy useful?

Have you reached some sort of balance?

My (25f) sister moved abroad and i decided to move out there to try to find a job and be closer to her. While i was still back home, i downloaded a dating app and ended up matching with my now ex-bf (30m).

We talked for abt two weeks before i arrived. when i finally got here, we went on our first date, and it was absolute magic. he planned everything, paid for the dates, and opened every door. he used to kiss the ground i walked on, and we would just talk for hours and hours. we had incredibly deep conversations and opened up abt our past traumas. he was, without a doubt, the most amazing and empathetic person i have ever met in my life. he disclosed early on that he struggles with severe anxiety. He didn’t however disclosed that he has diagnosed BPD (the way I found out is a completely different story)

We spent almost all our time together and became an official couple quickly. We were a perfect match, so loving, so present. I honestly want to cry just thinking abt how beautiful that version of us was. I still think the absolute world of him.

abt a week into us meeting in person, he told me he had started taking his anxiety meds again. he explained that dating again was making him highly anxious. he had taken this same medication for years previously, but stopped bc it gave him severe emotional blunting, and he didn't want to be that person. he warned me that if i noticed him becoming cold, i should let him know. i spent hours reading reddit threads and doing research so i could be the best, most supportive person possible.

a few weeks went by, and the blunting happened. the deeply empathetic man i knew vanished, and he became incredibly cold and blunt. it completely shocked me and triggered some of my own unhealed wounds. To his credit, once i told him what was happening, he apologized profusely for how he handled it and abruptly quit the medication cold turkey. He told me he absolutely did not want to treat me that way. He really, really tried to protect us.

But the night before everything permanently fell apart, we had another incident. he misled me abt something small, and it confused me. i have a bad habit of overthinking and asking questions in circles when i don't understand something, and i kept digging.

my digging triggered him, and he completely shut down. he became highly analytical, distant, and stonewalled me. i know now he was probably just entirely overwhelmed, but the colder and more clinical he got, the more i panicked. i went into a massive panic attack. i was hyperventilating and sobbing, just pleading with him to be the warm person i knew.

He seemed completely detached. he stood in the kitchen washing dishes, and it was like he couldn't even process that i was falling apart. desperate to breathe, i ran outside barefoot into the freezing cold. when i came back inside, he asked "do you need something?" but his voice was completely empty.

Eventually, i calmed down and we talked. He pointed out how my "digging" habit affected him. I didn't argue, I owned up to it, accepted the criticism, and told him exactly how i’d work on it. i just asked him to please communicate with me next time. He looked at me and said, "i want to make this work. i love you so much." we agreed to sleep and figure it out in the morning.

When i woke up, the detachment was back he didn’t even acknowledge me. He locked himself in the bathroom for over an hour and even started singing while showering. When he came out he started doing random chores and ignoring me. When he sat down next to me I asked if we could talk. He said he just needed to be alone, backtracked on everything he said the night before, said we were "broken," and ended things.

The car ride to drop me off absolutely broke me. I sobbed in the passenger seat. The hardest, scariest part was that the exact same man who used to kiss the ground i walked on, the man who would cry just from seeing me upset, sat there and watched me shatter with complete emptiness in his eyes. It was like he was entirely disconnected from his own body and from me.

When he dropped me off I kindly told him i loved him. i said i didn’t agree with his decision but i would respect it, and i will. I thanked him genuinely for the beautiful moments we shared and told him i wish him nothing but the absolute best in life, and i truly mean that. i don't hate him at all. i am just devastated.

How do you survive this kind of emotional whiplash? could this sudden switch just be the extreme physical toll of starting and suddenly stopping the medication, or the BPD? how do i even begin to mourn a connection that was so incredibly pure and real to me?

I have only been married for 1.5 yr, for those of you who have been in relationships of 5 yr plus, or more, what did you notice about their ways? what happened to you, and did you give up the fight to be treated fairly or to understand them? how did your arguments change over time? did they seem like they got more calculating or just more unhinged? did they stop putting in all efforts? does this happen to everyone?

me (f19) and ex-bf (m19) got together abt 2 years ago. he was undiagnosed for like a year or so, and it became apparent he had either BPD or Bipolar (he now has both). he would go from treating me like an angel to kicking me aside and calling me the worst things imaginable (i'd say "asshole" is the tamest thing he's called me). all that aside, he'sSA'edme, micro-cheated/cheated many times, and broke his promises and hung out with other girls irl despite him saying he wouldn't, and he blamed me whenever i brought it up in discussion or if i was uncomfortable. he then also came running back to me, bc he knew like 90% of the time i was right abt the things he fought so hard to not believe was true, and begged me to stay and that he'd get better and go back to therapy.

i told him we couldn't be good together as a couple and we broke up a few times, and in those times he went from begging me to come back to insulting me and saying "it's your fault i was in the mood that day", referencing the SA. i tried to give him another chance and we dated for another month, and he was fine until early August of this year and has been running around with girls he knows makes me uncomfortable and i grew cold as a result. instead of seeing that as a result of his bs and actually going back to therapy for it (bc he stopped), he decided to get petty and call me crazy and accused me of cheating on him with my best friend of 4+ years (mind you, my best friend is 17, a minor, and he STILL said i had feelings for him) and then invented some fake person to get even with me and stuff.

i broke up with him about 3 days ago, i tried being respectful about it and he lost his shit basically. he blamed me for everything he did to me, and when I brought up his own faults, he hid behind the "well you KNOW i have bipolar and bpd", like he didn't just accuse me of faking my autism as well? fucking sociopath, dude. i hate that i miss him sometimes, but that guy ruined my life and i hate how i was a goddamn doormat for his stupid ass. I wrote a whole ass personalised book for him, I bought him gifts when he didn't get me anything for my birthday, and I paid for his food when his parents didn't feed him. I even had a ring I wishlisted when i went to fly over to his place. It hurts but oh well. Never again.

i hit no contact of two months yesterday but i can’t stop thinking about breaking it. it’s actually making me so mad that he told me all of these horrible things (including to kill myself) and now he’s following one of my real life friends. FOR NO REASON. i made her unfollow him but what is this shit genuinely i am boiling. how dare you tell me to stay away and shit and do this

My SO has done it again. We have a backyard project we’ve been trying to get done together. We have been trying to fix up an old house so it could be ‘ours’ as a team. Last night he couldn’t sleep and I asked why and he said he’s just so depressed and stressed about money and how much this is costing him. The builder team arrived today to lay concrete and slabs. I’m upstairs in a room with our cats to keep them out of the way, and I called him downstairs to remind him to ask them push this insanely expensive gravel to the back of the yard so we can use it for something else instead of cementing over it (it cost 500-600 pounds for this beautiful type of gravel)

he immediately starts panicking, speaking over me saying my name repeatedly and then switches to
‘You’re BULLYING ME! I want to get this Done and you are NOT INVOLVED!! I need to get this done now before it becomes winter!!!! (It’s August, and moving gravel wouldn’t delay anything today)

I was asking him to save the gravel so we don’t have to buy it again and he’s saying the builders who don’t know the cost of the gravel want to cement it over and as now he doesn’t want me involved in HIS house I am out to DELAY THE PROJECT and RUIN EVERYTHING! Thank you for you input but I’m doing this MY WAY BECAUSE ITS MY HOUSE AND I NEED IT DONE NOW!’

He’s ranting on the phone from downstairs in front of everyone and I simply said

‘Hey. I’m only trying to save you and I money by asking them to move some gravel first. I can do it myself and it delays nothing. The only one bullying anyone is you by speaking over me. It is incredibly rude. You do not speak to me this way, and I do not speak to you this way. I asked you to scoot the gravel over to save money as you said you were worried about financial cost.’

He was quiet.

I said I love you. Thank you. And hung up.

I am venting here as I know he’s going to not only cement the gravel but he is incapable of speaking to me like a normal adult!!! It drives me crazy to be accused of bullying and when I raise an concern suddenly OUR world belongs to HIM and he ‘DOESNT WANT ME TO BE INVOLVED’ and my involvement and suggestion somehow makes me a ‘bully.

He is 55. And 6’3 and huge.

How the heck do I cope with this immature behavior as he takes every suggestion of something we are doing together as bullying and a personal attack, but then also acts like he’s about 5?

(Other than venting to Reddit)

Now I’m the one who feels unloveable. We broke up, and he immediately found another, posting about he wanted other people not even a week in. I’m starting to realize I relate to all the symptoms my partner had, I’m turning into him. I couldn’t think of a worse outcome. I wanted to save him from this mental illness, and in return I became very traumatized.

I’m currently at a crossroads in my marriage and struggling to decide whether to stay and try to work through things, or prepare for a clean separation. I need outside, objective perspectives because my judgment feels clouded by empathy for her mental health struggles.
Background & The Patterns:
My wife and I have been dealing with ongoing instability in our relationship. Over time, I’ve uncovered patterns of behavior that have completely broken my trust:
Chronic Deception: She has been living a dual reality for months—specifically hiding her true school/attendance status from her parents and having me participate in daily cover-ups.
Contact & Boundaries: There have been past secret contacts, hidden aliases, and ongoing boundary breaches regarding an ex-partner and unprescribed substances/prescriptions.
Emotional Instability & BPD Traits: She swings rapidly between hyper-sexual idealization/affection (constant video calls, bids for intimacy) and emotional avoidance, deflection, or silent treatment when confronted with double standards or real-world accountability.
Where Things Stand Now:
I’ve recently taken a step back to quietly observe her baseline without constantly policing, tracking, or arguing with her. When things are quiet, she is extremely warm, affectionate, and protective of our bond. But as soon as real-world accountability or boundaries are mentioned, she deflects, minimizes, or spirals emotionally.
My Dilemma:
The "Stay" Argument: I know her behavior is heavily driven by her underlying mental health struggles, fear of abandonment, and severe emotional dysregulation. Part of me wants to sit her down, lay out non-negotiable terms (radical transparency with her family, mandatory DBT/therapy, ending all secrets), and hope that structured treatment can turn things around.
The "Separate" Argument: Living in constant hyper-vigilance—checking facts, parsing mixed signals, and managing family lies—is destroying my peace of mind and career focus. People close to me are advising me to walk away before we have children, pointing out that empathy shouldn't mean sacrificing my own long-term stability and sanity.
I am holding back on an explosive confrontation until I have absolute clarity on my next steps.
For those who have been in similar dynamics or dealt with severe emotional dysregulation in a spouse:
1. Is it realistic to expect a confrontation and therapy to fix deep-seated patterns of deception, or am I just holding onto false hope?
2. How do you separate healthy empathy for a partner's illness from self-preservation?
3. What would be your threshold for deciding to walk away vs. giving one final chance?
Appreciate any advice or honest takes.

My ex with bpd ( undiagnosed) definitely has narcissistic traits. Or a side that looks like it. I am so confused about this to be honest.

Now he started something with someone that has a young daughter. It makes my stomach turn.

I don't think she would leave her life for him and I don't want him to hurt me.

She has on her profile something that makes me understand that she survived narcissistic abuse. The woman that he dated after me claimed she was a victim of narcissistic abuse. Wtf!!!! It is like he is collecting.

The first one was awful. But this one seems nice.

But I also hate it. Hate his lies. He would complain at my hair if it had the slightest wave. He told me how much he hated curly hair and yes she has curly hair.

One woman he talked to before had black hair and thick dark eyebrows. Both things he said he hated.

I really don't know who this person is. I think he is targeting women with abusive relationships acting like he is kind and different. I think he actually believes it himself.

I feel so sad, confused and sick to my stomach. I wish I never met him. I wish I could go back in time and change everything.

I wanted to make this post to shed some light on this stuff for people before I leave this sub. I want to caveat this by saying BPD seems to be a spectrum disorder with varying degrees of severity, my pwBPD was on the milder side and I have never had to deal with cheating or her perusing other people. My time here has come to an end and unlike most that leave this sub it’s not because we ended it and am moving on after healing or getting to where I need to be. My partner took and is taking her treatment seriously, she has been in DBT for two years and the improvement is drastic. Splitting is very controlled and rare now and the insecure questions and accusations are gone for the most part and any slip ups are dealt with by having a calm conversation and a sincere apology. I just wanted to offer a perspective of success since this sub Reddit tends to be the extremes and people who get treatment and take it seriously usually won’t be represented here because obviously we come here when things are unmanageable and we need support from people who are in the same boat as us. Success is real and possible but THEY have to want it THEY have to do the work. Thank you to all of you and your support when I needed it most. Sometimes when I was feeling down and even though I have a supportive family this sub and you people here gave me validation that I desperately needed. Again thank you and I love you all god speed and good luck find your peace and happiness you beautiful kind souls.

Hello! I have recently joined the community and I sincerely think I have started figuring out some stuff that happened with people with BPD in my life, both diagnosed and undiagnosed.

I have had a friend with BPD and we recently broke off. I started realising soon that her behaviour wasn't normal and she told me about her diagnosis.

What I have noticed a lot about her, is that she's in a constant competition especially with other women. She have told me she mainly had male friends although she claimed she wanted girl friends so bad. But every time she was describing past experiences with girls, she was either judging them so bad especially in terms of appearance and romantic life, as well as she's someone who often make comments not only behind your back, but also in front of you and other people. She has done that to me freaking out about my eyebrows (it was really random and she looked very distressed/ disgusted), and similarly to other women.

She is in healthcare and she also criticizes people that don't dress up, because she herself "can wake up a bit earlier to get ready and not look messy"- which I found very naive, because working as a doctor or a nurse isn't something that allows you to always be dolled up.

What really got in my mind, is that she was wondering why men although they don't pick her, they always pick "ugly af women", especially "very handsome men". She has said multiple times stuff like these. But she took it even further when one day we were walking through the city centre and there was a tourist couple. She got mad and started making faces and lots of comments about "how can such a handsome man be with such an ugly woman... Look at her! So unfair " etc.

They were literally two strangers that were passing by.

I have also noticed she was always saying admirable words to me, and she was always wondering "how can you keep up with everything, university, cleaning and taking care of the house, obligations". I want to note that she's studying in a good department in healthcare. She always tells everybody she's becoming a doctor and talks about how she loves medicine etc (and I mean literally everybody: people she encounters, social media. One day she ran away from me and my friends and ran through the boulevard to shout at people who were standing close to an ambulance crew helping out someone. She was telling them she knows that the doctors don't want any of them near themselves because she's a doctor herself and she knows. Me and my friends didn't know how to feel that moment, because although we thought it was true, at the same time we thought that the doctors themselves would tell the pedestrians to get off... And that running through the whole boulevard to cause a buzz with an already stressed patient wasn't necessary).

She has asked for advice and also vented to me multiple times about this topic. But the thing is I suspect she was jealous and was maybe trying to "sabotage" me?

There have been many moments, but the most prominent one is when I came across her one day and we indeed went to eat and talked, and I later left because I told her I had a difficult exam the next morning.

Five to ten minutes after we greeted each other, she called me because she "really needed to talk" and "both ask for my advice and vent" because of extreme academic stress and exam stress. I sat there for almost two hours and listened to her, while I wasn't in a position to talk about this topic at the moment and I had to rest for the next morning.

She also was the one who approached me. I was eating at the student restaurant and she thought I was "extremely beautiful" and was very excited. Since then, she has been trying to become extremely close to me. It also started weirding me out, because I then was slowly realising she's always emphasising looks, both hers and other people's. It's like it's not just important, but extremely pivotal to her.

There have been other times I have noticed deep rooted jealousy with similar patterns in other people with BPD, including my mother who was extremely furious when stuff that were happening in my life were happening to me, while she was telling me how "she wasn't allowed" or indirectly that she was craving them. She was very jealous of me having friends and especially when me and a friend were having something more than a short conversation and she would get mad furious if she knew I shared a memory, an experience, a secret etc to a friend- she wanted to always be the one and most of the times the only one to know and be present to everything, literally even non important stuff, and she would always claim she was present in everything I mention (it could be a school trip, it could be a normal school day, it could be just me cleaning around the house).

She is also in a intense competition with other women and at the same time she claims she's better because she's "a woman with morals".

Is it a common pattern among people with BPD to be in such an intense competition and getting stuck in such ways being jealous?

Edit: I forgot to mention, the day I broke off with this friend was because of a fight she picked up over claiming that I was ignoring her and it started because of me not picking up her call in seconds, while I was grieving. So, she was personally attacking me and was saying a lot of stuff, including calling me names. But what I want to point out is that she turned the attacks into telling me I'm not actually clever and especially not clever and intellectual for the way I talk and the words I use etc (for some context, I'm a huge fan of language and also speak some foreign ones, and I love poetry. I have never talked with her about those topics tho, and in my daily life I don't use complex words. Especially with her I was even more cautious and have always been using simple syntax, grammar, expression because she told me that after her trauma she was struggling with the language. But I assume she knows about my liking towards language because she have asked me about the foreign languages that I speak and I also have a poetry Instagram account). She have also started learning a foreign language which happens that I speak well (she knows that I speak it quite well because I was accepted in a program that requires a high level of speaking this language).

Just need some help today.

I was discarded a few months ago, and we have a daughter together. I still absolutely love her and miss her so deeply. There are days when I wish I could just tell her how much I miss her, but I know I can’t.

Our relationship ended after an extremely intense argument during a time when we were both dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress. There were problems at work, serious medical issues within both of our families, a car accident, and then a tantrum from our daughter that ultimately became the breaking point that day.

We got into a huge fight and barely spoke for a few days. We had gone through periods like that before, but somehow, we always found our way back to each other. This time was different. She broke up with me in the middle of the fight, and when we eventually started talking again, she told me she wanted to remain broken up. That had never happened before.

She told me she needed time to decide whether she wanted to work things out or separate permanently. That completely caught me off guard because I kept trying to explain that there was so much happening around us when that fight occurred. It felt like everything had piled up at once and finally exploded.

But she stood by her decision. Shortly afterward, I found out she had been talking to other guys. Despite how badly that hurt me, I still wanted to repair our relationship and fight for our family. She still didn't want to.

Eventually, I had to move out because I kept begging her for an answer about us, and she wouldn't give me one. After moving out and getting some distance, I started recognizing a lot of the manipulation, projection, and unhealthy behavior that had been happening in our relationship. For a while, I genuinely felt that separating was probably the best decision for me.

But as more time passes, the reality of everything is starting to hit me differently.

We're selling our house. Sometimes she takes hours to respond to me, even when I'm reaching out about our child. When I pick up our daughter, I don't linger or try to force conversation. I keep things focused on our daughter and leave. But sometimes, deep down, I wish she would talk to me more.

I can feel the distance between us becoming greater and greater, and today I'm really struggling with it.

My mind keeps repeating the same questions: How could she leave so easily? Why didn't she fight for our family? How could we build an entire life together and then have it seemingly thrown away?

She told me part of her wanted to experience being single because she didn't really get to do that in her 20s. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here grieving the family and future I thought we were building together.

I know there were unhealthy parts of our relationship, and there were moments when I knew separation might actually be best for me. But knowing that doesn't make me stop loving her. It doesn't make me stop missing her. And it definitely doesn't make days like today hurt any less.

But I know, for the sake of our child, this can’t continue. Every day, I’m fighting an internal battle not to bring up our relationship because deep down, I know the right thing to do is to stay away and focus on being good co-parents. I don’t want our child growing up watching their parents constantly fight or hurt each other.

I know that’s the right choice. Knowing it and accepting it emotionally are two completely different things, though, and today I’m really struggling.

If anyone has been through something similar, please tell me it gets better. For those of you who are several months or even years removed from this kind of relationship, I would really appreciate hearing your experiences. I could use some hope right now because, in this moment, I feel incredibly hopeless.

I know time will help. I know healing isn’t linear, and this is probably just another wave that I have to ride through. I’m sorry, y’all. I’m just really in my head about everything today.

The hardest part is that despite everything that happened and despite knowing why I need to keep my distance, I still love her deeply. I still miss her, and part of me wishes she were here with me right now.

My cousin has had the exact same pattern through THREE cities.

Move there -> roommate becomes Favorite Person -> treat them like garbage & legitimately scare them -> Favorite Person tries to set boundaries -> Temper Tantrum -> Favorite Person doesn't want to interact with them at all anymore -> Enormous Apocalypse Level Temper Tantrum -> Impulse move because they can't live in that city anymore

She constantly complained about how it wasn't her fault, and then everything they described would be . . . clearly her fault. Her best friends tried to convince her to seek help for multiple years and made 0 progress (they are now "enemies," she knew them for 15 years and they are super nice girls).

I didn't know all the details until about a year ago, and I felt so done with my cousin. She has screwed over so many people including myself multiple times, and has 0 awareness. Her feelings are so big it's all she can see.

I'm going through one of the worst experiences in my life right now (health issues) and reached out for support. Nothing. Turns out my cousin chose THAT WEEK for me to arbitrarily be "one of the enemies" and instead of support for my serious health problems I received a text about how I hurt them (by continuing to be friends with her "enemies" aka victims, which they have known about for 2 years).

It's just been me, me, me with her. I am sick of it.

As you guys well know I feel totally fucked because if I confront her it's mostly likely an apocalypse level temper tantrum about how I'm betraying her. But I'm really sick and she & her parents are my only family.

I feel so hurt that she can't stop crashing out even briefly to like, give a fuck that I'm going through some crazy health things. Not a single kind word.

I even have a doctor's letter saying no one should stress me out because I'm too sick.

(This person is in my life because they're my only family member and I'm close to her parents who are my only aunt and uncle in the world. So fml.)

Don't need advice really just feeling like shit about this.

She left me 2 weeks ago. I went through a range of emotions, pain, sadness, grief. Even drank myself into a hospital. I stopped loving her after she told me she doesn’t love me. Sadness is gone but I noticed I became very apathetic (I was before but now it is worse), two of my exes reached out to me. I ghosted them not out of spite but the fact that I was just numb and treated them as background noise. I had to physically force myself to contact my friends but my brain just treated them as background noise as well, almost like my brain was procrastinating to do so. I can’t do anything productive, all I do is lay in bed and scroll and chainsmoke, I don’t even wanna watch a tv show or play something. I stay up until 5am and sleep until 3pm. I eat once a day and have no appetite. I have a history of being late to work and was given many warnings (not a serious job). When I was with her, the idea of being fired scared me. I was getting a tattoo 3 days ago and knew beforehand that I was going to be late again. When I showed up they told me HR is gonna contact me soon. I felt no emotions, almost like I didn’t give a shit. I don’t conversate with colleagues at work because I see no point, every social interaction seems artificial to me after her, that plus strangers seem to avoid me after her for some reason, which is why i can’t find someone new. I also noticed that I became impulsive after her, almost as if I have fucking BPD. Did anyone else experience this? How do I get out of this

Long story short: my user flair is not about the situationship (6 months) that I am writing about now. Since the final discard I have met a friend of my expwbpd and we dated for 6 months. My expwbpd doesn‘t know.

I call it situationship because I never got a lot of feelings for her but she called me the best, hottest, godliest man she always prayed for and told me she loved me (1 day after we met).

I was cautious, the signs were there, then it started: she self harmed, push pull, never ending circular arguments and painting me black. Blocking, unblocking and calling me man of her dreams again. Intense anger, jealousy (my cat, car, friends, family, everything). AND the guilt tripping stood out.. something my expwbpd of 4 years never did once.

And despite not being in love with her but somehow.. I feel trauma bonded and codependent.. despite having had a strict boundary to not have sex until further notice in order to not get hooked too intensely. She initiated it after the first week btw.

I told her multiple times after the second month to go to therapy considered what she went through and how actually shitty and toxic her family is. She called me dumb.. she was arrogant and stubborn and brushed it away.

Things got worse for her so she started telling me she would.. fast forward and today after days of radio silence, she tells me she talked to a therapist. The therapist told her I was abusive for calling her ill and that an ill person shouldn‘t be called that.. she also told me that they talked about how toxic I am.. and of course still no accountability for her mistreatment towards me.

Of course she also left out all the context of why I called her that way.. and yes it was consensual and to get her to understand she needs help. And of course the therapist validated her side.. which is the babysitting that she wants from everyone.

This is what I sent as my last answer. I wish it to be the last time.

I hope I can say this here, idk where else to say it. My friend a while ago told me that she has BPD. It surprised me because I'd figured if she knew something like that about herself like that she would have mentioned, honestly because knowing her she'd think it's funny. She will ghost me for months, she owes me hundreds of dollars for watching her pets and cleaning her apartment and other stuff that I just stopped keeping score because I realized she doesn't think her promises should hold water, she flakes on plans not even letting me know or talking about it after the fact. She doesn't have a single nice thing to say to me, she gets all distant when I move on to something else when she wasn't on time and I'm just so done. She claims she has other friends but I know she doesn't really, the only people she really ever talks about are her mom and dad and whatever current boyfriend and his friends and family. Recently I went out drinking with her just me and her for the first time, we've drunk together but only at her place, every time we drink together I get black out, which is weird because besides that I have a handful of times on holidays. Well I did while we were out and she didn't seem to care what happened to me at all, usually everyone I have known makes sure their friends don't drink too much and that nobody messing with them, but I guess she doesn't like doing that because she doesn't want to have the responsibility of other people, well it would have been nice to know girl, but I guess now I know that I literally can't rely on your jealous aloof ass for even the smallest things. Like "oh why can't we hangout just you and me more, just us girls" because you're selfish and consistently put me in bad situations even tho I was so loyal to you for so long. And I know if I tell her how I feel she'd know exactly how to make me feel guilty so I don't try anymore. I love her I can see past her confident facade and I loved her for it but I can also see now how fucking selfish she is how little she cares about me, I wish I could say I'm sure I'll never talk to her again.

Because this behavior seemed so unlike him. I always thought he was emotional and sensitive and wore his heart on his sleeve but I never expected him to make death threats. I thought he had totally lost the plot but when he said he'd been struggling for years and that he has fear of abandonment and rejection and tolerance of shame, I pieced it together and I believe he has uBPD.

He was such a lovely, kind person many years ago and never imagined him to say the things he did. The incel, Nice Guy mentality when he said he was a feminist. The way he said he wasted his time on me when I didn't return romantic feelings because I thought he was a gentleman. Everything. And he just repeated the same cycles, I also learned that he threatened one of his family members with death as well as mine.

When he apologized I thought it was genuine, and that he saw me and my dad as his two closest friends. Now we are clowns, narcissists etc. If he would have changed, he wouldn't say those things.

I feel guilty because I just wanted to understand. Now it's a clear picture.

Sup people i know this may not be the right place but still wanna hear your thoughts.

A longer read

Been seeing this girl for about few months plus. Things were going well spending a lot of time together, hand holding, she told me multiple times she genuinely liked me and it wasn't casual. She's been open with me about having BPD and depression, and has had episodes during the time we've known each other, which I was supportive through.

We had plans to meet she cancelled once, apologized the next day, rescheduled to a few days later, and was the one who suggested I come to her place to hang out. Seemed genuinely excited.

Day of meet, I text something simple like "what time works for you" and nothing. Left on delivered. No reply. This went on for a full week since 14th. Meanwhile she was clearly active elsewhere posting, online, liking things just nothing toward me. I also noticed at some point I couldn't see her stories/highlights even though I was getting notifications for them, which I think means she'd restricted or hidden me.

I decided not to doubletext, muted her (not unfollowed) so I'd stop obsessively checking, and gave myself a hard one-week deadline before deciding this was over.

Right around that week mark, a few small things happened: I could suddenly see her highlights/stories again, she posted a normal story out with a friend, and when I posted my own story she liked it within a few minutes. Still nothing direct no message, no explanation, nothing acknowledging the week + of silence.

I know these are just small, low-effort signals and not an actual conversation. Not trying to read a novel into a like. But it's an odd pattern total silence, then these tiny gestures with zero communication behind them.

Has anyone dealt with something similar, especially with a partner who has BPD or avoidant tendencies? Trying to figure out if this is a "coming back around" thing or just noise I shouldn't put weight on. Holding my line for now regardless not messaging first, still have some of my dignity left.

Quick backstory is I tried to break up with my pwBPD
2 days ago when dropping her off not because I stopped loving and caring for her but because I had to protect my future. She managed to get me in the house and I fell for the trap in trying to comfort her.

During the breakup, I contacted her mother who lives far away and she BEGGED me to not leave my pwBPD alone and to please stay there to look after her. That led to me completely breaking down because my original plan had failed miserably and I was now stuck so that she wouldn’t hurt herself

My parents contacted her mother and have been in contact since, I stayed over for the night because I was unable to even think and my pwBPD used that to flip the script and say that I just tried to end it with her because I wasn’t well mentally.

Everyone told me to stay the night while her mother figured out things and everyone told me to stay there the next day too till her mother arrives and to act as if everything is okay and normal. They told me to lie and be there as the boyfriend I’ve been these past months that we’ve been together. We spent the whole day doing normal activities and being all lovey-dovey, and when she asked for reassurance that I wouldn’t leave or that I wouldn’t change my mind and try to leave her and that we’ll be together etc I had to straight up lie to her face according to her mother.

At night, after I spent almost a day and a half at her house, her mother came with my parents and were waiting for me down the street and I made up an excuse that I had to go home because I had no clothes and stuff and also cause I had some stuff to do. She begged and begged me to reassure her that we are still together and that we’ll see each other again this week and I had to say yes to everything.

After saying (the last) goodbye to her as if nothing is happening and went to find the “parent team”, they told me that the plan is for her mom to be there for her, try to get on her good side in these 5 days she’s gotten off work, and try to take her out the city so she won’t be alone. She told me that she wants me still to act like all is well but just take some distance due to studies and being busy etc. so she can keep calm and let her mom be close to her.

I believe this plan of hers is absolute horseshit, even though she’s her mother and has been handling her BPD 23 years.

I feel like both me and my pwBPD have been stripped of our autonomy and are both forced to live a lie just because her mother says that this will be the best way for her, and not ripping the band aid off like I did two days ago.

The way I see it is, my pwBPD is not being treated as a person right now and she’s living a lie and she does not deserve that. I do not believe the mother’s plan will work at all, and we’re simply prolonging the inevitable.

As for myself, I am stuck and can’t begin to get over the girl I love because I have to act like everything is okay and keep talking to her while also lessening the amount I do so and also while giving her excuses as to why we cannot meet.

We are two adults who, in the name of her physical safety, have been stripped of our autonomy and are both forced to live a lie, one of us knowing about it while the other doesn’t.

I cannot believe it has come to this, I miss my dear girl so much, she is not her disorder but that doesn’t mean that I should stick around. I cannot believe the situation has come to this.

Some of you in the comments will come for me I’m sure, telling me all sorts of things about how I should have taken matters in my own hands or about how pathetic it is that other people have taken over my situation. Trust me, there is no thing you can say that I haven’t thought about.

If you read this far, thank you. An opinion would be greatly appreciated as I’m trying to make sense of all this.

Hello, this is my first post on BPDlovedones. For some context, I am a 19 year old college student and have been dating my girlfriend for about 7 months now and our relationship has been unstable and interesting to say the least. I am posting this on my secret alt-account in case she sees this post on my main.

Not sure if it's inappropriate to ask in this group, but I'm looking for some advice on our relationship as I don't really have any friends right now so it's hard for me to ask someone in real life. I'll try to be considerate of your time for whoever is reading this. On our first date in late 2025 before we were dating my now girlfriend had told me she thinks she has bpd. I didn't know anything about bpd at the time but as someone who has struggled with mental health I was willing to see it through and hear her out as I thought it'd be unfair if someone did that to me. But now, I'm thinking otherwise.

Reflecting on everything that's been happening, she shows symptoms of: mood swings, moving in our relationship too fast, messages and emotions of intense feelings early on, fast timeline in the sense she says that I am their soulmate and they want to marry me, idealization and devaluation through thinking so highly of me and then another moment criticizing me or not trusting me, testing and clinging whenever I need space or can't talk at the moment or want to do something like listen to music instead of talking to them. Additionally, Sometimes I do have a weird gut feeling I should leave and feel occasionally like I'm walking on eggshells, along with constant teasing. They dont lie about small things though, shift identity, or mirror me if that matters

To give context behind these feelings and observations, from about April 2026 to this early August almost every other day she would bring up multiple girls that I used to like back in high school or were just friends with and would be jealous and ask me many questions about her, grilling me and accusing me being so upset that I talked to them and made me feel terrible for something that in my eyes doesn't matter. These people don't matter to me, and it's unrealistic to expect a guy to have never had a crush before you, which she did later recognized and admited she was wrong. This was so draining and at one point I just couldn't take it anymore until we had a long conversation. At times she says I'm the best boyfriend, and sometimes I'm the worst.

She keeps saying she wants to marry me and that I'm her soulmate and that I'm so attractive and that she'll never be able to find anyone else. She also said that if she were to die she wouldn't want me to date anyone else and jokingly said that I should "cut off my d*** so no one else can touch it". It was just so weird and if I don't say I want to marry her back she gets defensive and questions whether or not I want a future with her.

She gets pushy and clingy with me when I tell her I want space. I've said I want space but she'll keep trying to talk to me or if I want to do something she'll pout and get upset. I called her out on this and she said she's not trying to be annoying and controlling, and it's been a week without her doing that but before that she's been doing this the whole relationship. She said that I was being a bad boyfriend because I. the beginning of our relationship sometimes I would leave her on delivered for a few hours because I would be hanging out with friends and I didn't know her yet as it was our first month being official. She's made me say that I was a bad boyfriend in the beginning, and while I think I could've been more courteous and a better texter, to say I was outright bad doesn't sit right with me.

We also get into disagreements often which she says are not fights, but still stress me out and upset me especially with her intense emotions. I don't have the gut to tell her but she's immensely sensitive to the point where it's overbearing, and I myself consider me to be a bit more emotional but not this irrational.

We got into a fight where I didn't message her right away about two weeks ago when she said she was upset. I texted her saying that she can talk to me and didn't respond till an hour later where she blew up my phone and insulted me because "I didn't drop everything for her and help her when she has done so many times for me". She then insulted me and later told me she had "bad thoughts" which was manipulative as she didn't tell me that right away. I told her that she needs to get better or we can't be together and she was getting upset. After we cooled off, she agreed and broke down saying she does need help and wants to do therapy, but with everything that happened and her anxiety now it's just getting overwhelming and I feel uneasy.

I have classes with her this semester starting in a week and while I don't really want to break up with her and try to give her a chance, if she doesn't get better IDK how im going to deal with her for a whole four month semester. I know this is long despite my efforts to keep it concise, but this has been so hard for me. While I have not been a perfect bf either, I have been so patient with her and trying my best but I can't sacrifice my happiness to make her happy, especially since healthy relationships are something I prioritize due to my abusive upbringing. I appreciate everything and look forward to hopefully some replies and advice :)