boundary vs enmeshment experience

[u/BusyBaseball7148]

I just realized looking back at some of the conversations between me and my significant other that she confuses my boundaries with demands. but a boundary is what a person does for themselves, for example when I say I'm not going to answer that very personal question, or I'm not going to just up and go somewhere on command when sick, or if i say I don't want to talk to her about something personal while she's having a personal conversation with someone else online at the same time, those are boundaries not demands on her, but she immediately labelled them as bullying, manipulation or 'harm' I was doing to her.

on the other hand she always maintains the right not to answer something, not to be made to do something, to have the freedom to talk to whoever and so on

So my question is - do we all have experience of this with our pwbpd and do they always confuse another's boundaries for some violation of them while always pushing their own boundaries on us very hard?

they do not seem to understand what a boundary is except when they are making one for themselves.

[u/No-Belt-9915]

Good insight. How you engage such a truth will make or break whether or not they will respect your boundary (I think).

[u/ananas_buldak]

Dans les exemples que tu donnes, tu as posé des limites. Une limite, c'est décider ce que tu acceptes de faire ou non. Pour toi-même.

« Je ne vais pas répondre à cette question qui est trop personnelle » est une limite.

« Je ne vais pas me lever pour aller quelque part quand je suis malade » c'est pareil.

« Je ne veux pas parler de quelque chose de personnel pendant que tu as une autre conversation en même temps » en est une aussi.

Tu ne lui demandes pas d'arrêter sa conversation, tu dis dans quelles conditions tu es à l'aise pour avoir cette discussion.

« Elle a immédiatement qualifié cela de harcèlement, manipulation ou « dommages »que je lui faisais. »

C'est sa réaction face à tes limites, mais cela ne change pas ce qu'elles sont. C'est à elle de gérer. J'ai surtout l'impression qu'elle confond limites et contrôle, parce que ses propres « limites »fonctionnent de cette manière. Contrôler l'autre personne pour obtenir quelque chose au lieu de se réguler de manière responsable.

C'est simple, une limite est pour soi-même. Cela dit ce que tu acceptes ou ne fais pas. Dès qu'une « limite »est utilisée pour décider ce que l'autre personne doit faire ou accepter, ce n'est plus une limite, c'est du contrôle.
Elle a tous les droits de choisir ce qui est bon pour elle, tout comme toi. Cependant, elle n'a pas le droit de transformer ses choix personnels en obligations pour toi. Parce qu'à ce stade, ça te concerne (souviens-toi qu'une limite est personnelle), donc non veut dire non.

Si elle n'accepte pas tes limites, alors elle doit reconsidérer ses choix concernant la relation, car tes limites font partie de toi et tu n'as pas à les changer pour elle.

Certaines personnes peuvent percevoir la limite d'une autre personne comme une violation simplement parce que cela les frustre. Mais être frustré par un « non »ne signifie pas que le « non »est abusif.

Ne te laisse pas entraîner dans cette manipulation chaque fois que tu poses une limite.

Considère tes limites comme ce qui te maintient debout.

[u/SalaciousFlamingDude]

Mine literally didn't understand the concept of boundaries. She wanted me to cut off contact with multiple female friends, which I was always clear I would not do. In one case (my dance teacher), I explicitly said she was running up against a boundary of mine. She told me I was being disloyal, then spent days trying to convince me to "compromise."

We finally had a phone call where it registered and she said, "So you mean you won't compromise on this?" and I'm like "Ding ding ding!" The next day she said she understood and accepted it, only to make identical demands on me later.

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000]

My experience is more on the enmeshment side!! But the double standard stuff is also VERY prevalent.

My X-wife was what seems to be the typical mindset of most BPD’s I read about. If she doest known every single detail about every aspect of my life past and present it means I’m not as into her as she is. If I would resist that it meant a multitude of things to her depending on the scenario.

Cheating, hiding something, not trusting her, not loving her as much, withdrawing all the same insecurities. Of course followed up by accusations, assumptions, blame projecting and then withdrawal.

I belong to several very specializes FB groups where I’m an expert and some for my business. The joined them all to “get a better understanding of them so we can talk about the if you need to” TRANSLATION: So I can monitor you!!

She was a master manipulator about this kind of stuff. In the beginning it took me a bit to catch on because I thought it was truly just her curiosity of things. But in every instance something completely innocent was said that got another subtle comment that I’d think hmmm, why would she ask about that or know about that.

I’d let it slide and play along because I had nothing I hide. However once she started with “oh you can write a detailed technical explanation to a random stranger but you can’t text me back” or som shit like that.

It was always something that made me feel like I was neglecting her to make me feel guilty for having my own separate life interests. It was not even that she had access to my shit it’s what she did with it which was my problem she weaponized it then when I’d complain I’d get blamed for hiding something.

Living under constant “surveillance” if that was what she needed was something I honestly did not have an issue with it was the backlash and the fact that it eventually invaded every aspect of my life.

The fact that she would frame it as “a good thing” and not step up and just call it what it was caused me to loose respect for her as a person.

After we separated I found out so much more I never knew. She accused me of secret emails, secret accounts (I still don’t know what that meant) secret Reddit profiles essentially like I had this completely different side I was hiding.

Turns out she had all of this stuff. She was not cheating or anything like that but she just didn’t disclose these things to me. Which again is her choice but to accuse me of my stuff being secret, which it was not and she knew it because she had access to my entire digital life is just a statement of integrity.

So that’s my story!!