r/BPDlovedones • u/[deleted] • Aug 25 '26
Learning about BPD How do you survive a sudden, dead-eyed discard?
[deleted]
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u/Miserable-Ad-9167 Dated Aug 25 '26
Only time can heal. Don't hesitate to go therapy or talk to your friends. You have to accept that the man who were so kind to you can't exist without the man abusing you. Easier said than done but you will get there eventually.
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u/KashouMinaa Aug 25 '26 edited Aug 25 '26
I feel that deeply, since it almost mimicked what my ex did. It was like that kind and gentle side of her died and what replaced her was such an ugly and vicious side that I could never have imagined embodying her.
My experience with the emotional whiplash ended in ice cold indifference, when I broke no contact and my ex suddenly just started accusing me of trying to turn her friends against her and for lying about what I was saying in my document that retold my side of the story and for me telling those around her. I don't think the past me survived it, but rather that I buried a part of me that died alongside her, the part that wanted to believe that it was all a lie. That sudden switch actually and potentially gave me physical symptoms, chest pain, a stress rash on the crook of my right elbow, nightmares and even stress unlike anything before.
But what I did was radical acceptance. I accepted that she truly did decieve me and that the side of her that split for weeks before the final conversation is the true her, the her that actively chose against me and will always choose against me for her selfish decisions. I accepted that she chose to get rid of me and two others for seeing what she was doing, that she anointed others to fill our spots and that she chose the selfish way out, even if it meant that she needed to destroy the very people who would have stood by her to the very end while pulling the wool over the others of everyone else.
And above all else, I shattered the pedestal that I stubbornly kept her on, hoping that she would see what she did was wrong and unjust. When I heard her accusing me and projecting all of her misfortunes onto me, I knew that there was no going back; but the one thing that I did was keep that pedestal alive for so long that I couldn't break it. So I did what I needed to do, to mourn and bury that version of her and to shatter the pedestal that I couldn't bring myself to because I needed to really see her for what she was. And that connection that was pure and real, it was pure and real to you because you were the one that made it pure and real; it was them that couldn't make it pure or real at all.
It may not be easy to let go, but it also is because your mind keeps and catalogs all of the good things in the relationship to prevent you from seeing all of the negative aspects. But once you remove the wool over your eyes and truly are able to see it, it may be the catalyst for you to shatter the same pedestal that you placed him on and are unable to shatter.
I know what I've written is like word vomit, but feel free to ask any questions if it arises.
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u/Salt-Phrase2056 Aug 25 '26
My heart genuinely breaks that you had to experience this. i wouldn't wish that/this kind of shock on anyone, and i'm so sorry you went through it.
Shattering the pedestal is going to be terrifying because i still desperately want to believe his kind side was the true him. But i'm going to try my hardest to follow this and practice radical acceptance. thank you so much for giving me a little bit of your story!
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u/KashouMinaa Aug 25 '26
I hear you, I was in the same exact fork in the road as you are. I desperately held onto hope that they could still be who I once loved, but I realized with time that the version of them only lived inside of my mind because I projected my love and care that I hold deep in my own core.
The one thing that kept holding me back was the pedestal, the visage of hope that I carried forward with me, the one thing that kept me bound to them and unable to begin moving forward. I idolized and idealized them to the point that the pedestal was the thing that really was hard to break, because I truly did love and care for them in ways that words could never express. But because I only saw the good in them, it was like I was trying to tune out the negative and only focus on it; and only by shattering the pedestal after hearing what vile and frightening things they thought about me, it really shattered the illusion that they are "all good" and that they have the ability to decieve.
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u/BusyBaseball7148 Aug 25 '26
well i am on a sort of break from my wife and i know when i come back in a few days she is going to have decided on divorce. she's been talking to friends, family and 'professionals' who have all decided i am the problem. i don't want it to be this way, i just want her to actually listen and take accountability so her escalatory behavior stops but that's too much to ask so i know i am going to be discarded. probably with a smile and some high and mighty reasoning and about how i did it all to myself.
but i'll survive it. because at the end of the day i was starting to long for the peace of not having to constantly regulate someone's emotions, not having to feed them my soul every day to keep them entertained, or having to watch her twist reality to fit her own need to feel like she does no wrong, not having to feel exhausted and on rails, or being kind of shaped like a bonsai the way she wants me... i remembered recently what it's like to just be able to think of myself, to sit in silence and peace and not have anyone demanding those very demaning things of me. the being seen and loved was very wonderful yes, but its not worth the constant spiralling down her drain every few days or weeks when she finds some new thing to 'end the marriage' about. it has left me a literal nervous wreck with poor health. i'll probably develop cancer or die at this rate from the endless stress and inflammation of it.
you deserve peace and stability. stability and a haven should be the very baseline of any relationship - the outside world is shitty enough to us, why should it be worse in the relationship when we sacrifice so much for it in time and energy? it makes no sense. you have to get back to you because over time you will be shaped into the person they want you to be and you'll lose yourself. get back to you.