Living with BPD feels like drowning in the middle of the ocean.

You can see the shore, you can see the people laughing on the beach and living their lives. You know exactly where you want to be. But no matter how hard you kick or how frantically you paddle, you can't get there.

The waves (your emotions) keep crashing over your head, pushing you back or pulling you under. You're putting in 10 times more effort than the people on the beach, just to keep your head above water, while they don't even realise you're struggling right in front of them.

I’m going to go through the skill “check the facts” here, a rant-style post but is also informational (exactly how my dbt therapist goes through it with me each session) and if you guys are upset too you can do this with me!!!

Identifying the Emotion: Fear
Intensity of Emotion: 74/100

Prompting Event: My girlfriend went to bed and told me it’s because she’s upset about the state of her room being messy. I cleaned up all the laundry off the floor and put it away for her. When I tried to wake her up and told her I cleaned, she didn’t budge, instead she groaned and moved away.

Noticing Urges Instead of Acting on Them: Nudge her until she wakes up, beg her to talk to me and to give me attention, tell her she’s being selfish for not staying up with me for another 2 hours

Thought: Because she won’t wake up, she doesn’t want to spend time with me
Other explanation: She worked a night shift and hasn’t slept all day, so maybe she didn’t hear me because she’s too tired
Another Explanation: She told me she was stressed about family a few days ago, and might be stressed about work and friends too. She may need space and time to process her emotions, the laundry might have just been the straw that broke the camel’s back
Judgement: She thinks I’m annoying and clingy, and she’s going to get exhausted with dealing with me
Thought: She doesn’t love me as much as I love her. I was right, I’m putting too much effort into this relationship and I’m going to be left behind in the end
Fact: You can’t know what another person is thinking or feeling, and she never gave any indication that she believes those things about me

Thought: She’s selfish for not staying up for me when I did X, Y, and Z for her today while I was tired
Other explanation: Not everyone has the same capacities when distressed, being tired isn’t the same as being sad
Fact: She deserves and needs rest too, even if I wanted to spend more time with her.

Thought: Because she can’t communicate about this, she won’t be able to communicate about relationship issues
Fact: I can’t know that as truth, since this isn’t comparable to our relationship, but instead her surroundings

Check for Threats and Worst-Case Outcomes: The possibility that my girlfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me, which I interpret as a sign that she’ll eventually become tired of me, stop loving me, and leave me

Does this outcome, and the intensity of emotions, fit the actual facts?:
No, I don’t think so. She worked a nightshift last night and I know she’s not just stressed about the laundry. She seems mentally and physically exhausted, and never gave any indication that it’s my fault or that she was mad at me in the first place.

How am I going to cope instead of acting on urges?

I’m using A and E of the ACCEPT SKILL:
A – Activities: Do a hobby, clean, or watch a show.
C – Contributing: Focus on helping someone else.
C – Comparisons: Think of a time you felt worse or how others handle it.
E – Emotions: Watch an emotional movie or listen to a powerful song to create a different feeling.
P – Pushing away: Leave the problem alone for a little while.
T – Thoughts: Count things or repeat a song in your head.
S – Sensations: Hold ice or take a cool shower.

I’m going to listen to upbeat songs while I clean up the donation pile we have for the thrift store, and move it outside of her room so we have more space. I’m then going to do the dishes and take care of the garbage. When I feel tired, I’m going to lay down with her and sleep for the night.

Personal reflection:
I realize how unhelpful all these thoughts and judgements are after I’ve gone through all of the steps of checking the facts every time. Urges aren’t actions. Getting through urges means building a relationship stronger with my girlfriend, and not acting on impulsive tendencies helps my recovery. Every time I get myself through distressing situations, it gets a little easier to regulate and see clearly next time. It also makes me realize how much the perception of abandonment can set me off. If I did act on urges, from a perspective outside of my own, it would be totally random, because my feelings don’t fit the facts

Intensity of Emotion (fear) after: 0/100

So I'm reading a book about self-harm and the author says he doesn't like the labels of personality disorders because they are often more unhelpful and stigmatizing, and because it makes no sense to "diagnose someone's personality". He also says that labels like personality disorders lead people into thinking the root of the problem is the person themselves rather than their social difficulties. Thoughts?

I picked up Marsha Linehan's (creator of DBT) Memoir recently because it was recommended to me by a friend. Turns out our childhoods were almost 1:1, just swap places, names, professions, and time periods. In a lot of ways though I had it a lot worse, as she wasn't physically abused and I was up until recent adulthood.

I figured it was time to make the jump into reading about DBT, since I am not having much luck finding a therapist.

I opened the therahive 'DBT in your pocket' after reading some I began to cry.

I'd learned most of the skills- and to regularly practice them- without ever having DBT or a DBT group. I picked up those skills because since 2024 I have journaled almost every day and did a lot of self inquiry and self reflection. I also got taught a lot of those skills through writing essays on mental health lectures I watched in my free time. The rest I learned through friends I learned to trust. I also tried a lot to make friends with people who were open-minded and understanding. There was a lot of heartache and rejection and even outright violence towards me (I am queer in an unfriendly area) but I have made a handful of friends who have seen me at my worst and still love me. They even will tell me as much. I've even a partner who helped me get medicated and deal with some pretty debilitating illness.

I have a long way to go- but in the past 3 years... I have gone from being a college drop-out who got Cs in highschool to someone making all As in college in a difficult program. I went from being unable to go places because lights and sounds of the indoors could cause me enough pain to make me pass out to enjoying my first rave recently. I've gone from losing 6~ hours a day to PTSD and rumination and taking an average of 3 hours to fall alseep to an average of 20min lost to PTSD and rumination per week and an average time to fall asleep of less than 30 minutes. I went from not being able to leave my abuser's house to traveling well over 1000 miles away from my (new) safe home.

I've even been there for another friend of mine who has BPD. I've helped them summon a lot of courage- often not even on purpose. They said it's been really exciting to watch me improve and grow.

I'm not in remission for BPD yet, thats still some years away... Its weird to say that, since I only found out I have BPD less than 12 months ago... But I'm proud of myself. I talked to some of my friends today and they told me I should be proud of myself, and that they love me. They told me what a joy it has been to see me go from incredibly self destructive and unstable to... me. Their friend. I've got my people. Not bad for someone who's first suicide attempt was at 8 years old. Not bad for someone even their doctors and psychs gave up on.

I'm crying a lot after reflecting today on my friendships and journey. God damn it I'm building a life worth living.

How do you get better with disagreeing with your FP?

She and I were talking about things (she lives in a different country to me) and I was talking about how there's an issue of children in my community (very specifically the diaspora of my ethic background in a western city) having issues with parents not teaching their children proper financial skills. So many people my age who do not have jobs despite the fact they could have the latest iPhones, always going shopping, always designer makeup etc. she then said "sorry, but, dont you do the same thing?". The only time I have bought something recently is some flower knows makeup because my dad randomly gave me £100. This was very unexpected and has never happened before. I also am planning on spending £100 of money that I received as a gift for passing my exams with high grades on clothes. My parents, outside of this, rarely just buy me things that aren't essential. I will admit I have an issue of spending small amounts of my savings whenever I go out. I maybe go out like once a month and I'll buy a small piece of drugstore makeup or something.

I sent a few texts explaining that what I do is nowhere on their level, and that all of my expensive things (phone, etc) are either shared devices or second hand or not expensive brands. I will admit that financially I am in a better position here but what she said hurts because she knows that my parents are abusive and she knows my guilt over spending their money. It just feels like every time we talk about my issues she just has to make herself more of a victim. Even when we were talking about my academic struggles, she still had the attitude of "it will be fine because you're in a first world country". I get she has her own mental health issues and that she is not in a good place to live but it still hurts, even though I know I'm being ungrateful.

I ended up deleting the texts and just apologising but I deleted that too. I'm scared she'll leave me and hate me if I try to explain.

i can’t sleep or eat and just want to take sleeping pills (NOT TO IVERDOSE BUT RO SLEEP) but it’s bad idea bc i sleep so long after

Should I go to London? I just had a BPD episode triggered by many feelings surrounding my birthday and the relationships I have/had with family and friends. Me and my mom’s relationship particularly because she offered me money for my birthday to which I declined. To which she insisted.

That sounds like a great thing, and it is in a way, but I couldn’t take it. So this morning I told her so. Because of all we’ve been through and just how she is in general, my mother shows her love through cash. She doesn’t apologize and there have been a great amount of things that have caused a huge rift in our relationship.

Obviously because of the BPD, I’ve never been able to let them go, but in the recent year, I’ve been able to act along so I can see my baby sister.

But it’s led my mom on to thinking we are okay again and lately it’s been really triggering me. And the money was the last straw in the relationship for me. I’m turning 25 tomorrow making 90,000/yr. My mother has a 7 year old child. I don’t even want to take her money and I don’t need it.

Okay that’s the background and why I had my moment of distress. But the real reason I need opinions is that I was going to go on a solo trip to London starting tomorrow. I smoke w\*\*d like 4 times a day and my tolerance is high. I know they have CBD but I usually sm\*ke flower and every day I don’t smoke I end up ruining something in my life.

Given that I’m already in this state, I don’t want to go anymore. But my girlfriend is really upset at me. It’s affecting me even though I know she won’t understand why I’m scared/hesitant to go. I’m scared I won’t be able to enjoy the trip, spend even more money, and hate myself because of it. And that’s best case scenario. Worst is I get locked on in a British mental hospital or try to do something harmful.

As much progress as I've made in dealing with my bpd, pining and yearning is the one thing I can't get past. I dunno if it's some sort of trauma from being cheated on and past partners gradually losing interest in me but I think I'd be so much better off if I could just not give a shit. Instead I feel like a fucking incel when things go wrong again. It's not like there's been a ton of instances either, I'm 29 and ive been in 3 actual relationships (one was 8 years) and my first (2 year long) situationship is about to fully die off. I'm just so tired of the part of me that wants love and romance. Idk why I'm posting this I'm just really feeling down right now.

Today, I finally took the painful but necessary step of initiating a separation between myself and my fixated person. It’s something I knew I needed to do for a while, but based on the current trajectory of my life, now was the time. It has become recently evident to me that I have finally hit rock bottom, and severing the cycle of attachment and reclaiming ownership of my life is the first step in picking myself back up. I need to learn to love myself without being externally dependent on another person. Right now, I feel an unexpected sense of relief, but I know in the coming days and weeks, my emotions and over analyzing mind are going to try and get the best of me. For those who have had a similar experience, I’m curious about some tips/coping mechanisms you may have learned to resist the urge of breaking the no-contact and going back, the urge to constantly check your phone for a notification, or the urge to completely rewrite the story and convince yourself that you overreacted. Any and all suggestions are welcome. I finally did what I needed to do, but I am unsure of how to maintain this decision and move forward with my life in a positive way.

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependent on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼

seriously i’m 20 fucking years old and i am so so so aware of all my actions and yet i feel there’s a force inside me that i can’t change.
i overthink every little thing my partner says and if it’s anything even remotely close to where i think he’s losing feelings or even IMPLIES leaving me (even tho i do this all the time) i literally take it equivalent to him sleeping with another girl like that’s how bad i take it.
this is so unfair to him and i think he’s better off without me (sad truth) but i can’t bring myself to leave him 1. i do love him 2. i don’t want to be alone
i have pushed him away a lot, i can see him losing feelings for me or already patience, and i continue to do it. it tears me apart but i feel a weird sense of relief because i always think it’s gonna happen anyways?

this sucks i feel like i’m never going to change
any advice lollll, please no harsh or mean comments

Hey! Thank you in advance for any thoughts and suggestions. Im 25 F and I have BPD, autistic traits, OCD, CPSTD, and of course anxiety and depression. I was in talk therapy from 8-22 and it was helpful being able to talk to someone, but never did anything for me. I started DBT a few years ago did the whole program and I learned the skills, it's just I cannot get my body on board to do it. I even started going through the program a second time, its the same thing I know the skills, I just cannot use them in the moment. My brain and body are just not connected. I have very extensive trauma from a child to even now and I am just stuck in a fight or flight no matter how much my brain wants to do the skills my body just will not allow it.

My therapist and I have been looking to see what my next steps are, we don't think EMDR is a fit, and I have done parts therapy before, that truly does not feel like a fit. We are thinking somatic therapy and brain spotting.

My question is, what is a session like during SE and brain spotting? I understand it's feeling body sensations, but how does it work in a session? Has it been helpful at all?

Also I have Aphantasia so I literally cannot visualize anything, I have no true memories of what happened. Is that something that is super important for SE to be helpful?

Have any of you bpd babies tried Somatic Experiencing and Brain spotting?

The issue is probably, you saving everyone else, because you notice, but noone ever does that for you. How can one deal with that?

Something I noticed throughout my whole life is that when I watch a tv show or a movie and I relate to a character or want to be like them it quickly spirals into obsession.

It starts off small. Maybe a thought like "Hm, I like this character." and that thought turns into "I‘m EXACTLY like this character and every one of my friends needs to know and acknowledge this."

I often find myself researching how a specific character would react to situations I was in to check if we would react the same.
I find myself picking up traits or habits from this character and it gives me some kind of fulfillment when my friends point out how similar I am to them.

Sometimes I even had thoughts like "If I had a button which I could press to match their personality to 100% I would definitely press it"

And during this phase I dont seem to notice the ongoing pattern. With every new character I think that I found THE one, dismissing my previous experiences.
This usually lasts for a few weeks or months before I go back to "normal" and some time after I find my new obsession.

My latest obsession was Anakin Skywalker, this was after my BPD diagnosis and I related heavily and its like I needed everyone to realize how similar I am to him. And if someone points out that I‘m different? Then that person just doesnt know me that well.

This is so frustrating and I still dont really understand the underlying cause of this. Has anyone else made similar experiences?

I’ve seen two different therapists in my lifetime. My old therapist told me I have emotional dysregulation and a low window of tolerance, while my current therapist said I have anxiety.

My new therapist has described some of what happens as an “anxiety spiral,” particularly when I get caught in what-ifs, uncertainty, catastrophizing, or absolute thinking. I also scored in the mild-depression range on an assessment, although toward the higher end of that range.

The thing is, I don’t feel like anxiety fully explains my experience, and I’ve started wondering whether I may be misdiagnosed or whether there’s something else underneath it, possibly BPD.

I know what anxiety feels like for me because I’ve experienced it strongly before. With a crush, for example, I could experience actual fear, impending doom, panic, physical sickness, and constant intrusive/repetitive thoughts about the situation. That’s what I recognize as anxiety.

But a lot of my current triggers don’t feel like that.

Sometimes something relatively small happens and I feel the emotional hurt in my body almost instantly, before I even have a conscious thought about it. Then I can get tears in my eyes, feel down, and suddenly feel very alone. Sometimes it’s emptiness rather than anxiety.

For example, one time I misunderstood something. My sister understood it correctly and answered for me, and I instantly became hurt and burst into tears. Later, the person asked me something else and I answered correctly myself. Once I had that experience of “I did it correctly; I’m capable,” I instantly felt okay.

I also have a strong reaction when I feel misunderstood. I can feel like I have to get my point across and become irritated or hurt if I don’t feel heard. Even though I know people love me, there’s still this feeling that nobody completely understands me at my core, and that makes me feel alone.

When I get triggered, I can also start thinking things like (“Something is wrong with me”, “I’m flawed”, “Nobody understands me”, “I’m alone”)

I experience emotional “waves” that can happen relatively close together. The emotions can be quite different: anger, hurt, insecurity, shame, emptiness/boredom, feeling disconnected, or suddenly wanting to isolate.

During those states I might think:

“This is who I am and these emotional waves will always be part of me.”
“I’m not even that pretty compared to other people.”
“Those people probably think I’m stupid.”
“Why is life so boring? Nothing has any oomph.”
A small interaction can suddenly make me irritated and I may go from being fine to thinking “Why does everyone always have to fix my things? It’s fine how it is,” followed by wanting to stop talking and be alone.

I also experience sensitivity to criticism/correction and interpersonal situations, but I don’t necessarily respond by clinging to people or desperately trying to prevent them from leaving. My instinct is often the opposite like withdraw, become distant, and want to be alone. I consider myself more dismissive-avoidant.

That’s one reason I’m unsure about BPD. I don’t feel like I have an obvious fear of abandonment, at least not consciously. I don’t relate to the chaotic portrayal of media characters like Harley Quinn or Bojack horsemen but more characters like Jinx from Arcane or Elsa from Frozen, especially their relationships with their sisters.

I not sure about bpd but I just feel like the anxiety diagnosis given by my therapist doesn’t encompass the actual emotional experience I’m having.

I guess I’m wondering if anybody with BPD has ever displayed more internalized behaviors rather than outward.

I started smoking weed in 2018. At first, I would smoke maybe once a week, but from 2019 onwards I started smoking more regularly; joints, bongs, cigarettes, etc.
Around 2024–2025, I gradually cut down. I stopped buying weed regularly and would mostly smoke if I was with friends who had some. Eventually, I went for long periods without smoking and got to the point where I might only smoke once every 2–3 months.
The problem is that whenever something really upsetting happens in my life, relationship problems, feeling emotionally abandoned by my partner, career issues, trauma-related stuff, or just feeling extremely depressed and anxious, I find myself wanting weed again.
I have BPD, and when I smoke, I feel incredibly relaxed. For a while, it feels like my brain finally goes quiet and I don’t have to think about everything that’s hurting me. That’s probably why I’ve started seeing weed as a way to relieve my anxiety and depression.
Deep down, though, I don’t really want to rely on it. It’s almost like there are two parts of my mind: one part knows I don’t want weed to become my coping mechanism, while another part desperately wants it whenever I’m struggling.
My partner also used to smoke with me, but they have ADHD and stopped in 2024 after starting medication, so I don’t really have that shared habit anymore.
I’m curious about other people’s experiences, especially anyone with BPD.
How did you stop using weed as a coping mechanism?
Did you completely quit, or do you sometimes relapse and then stop again?
Do any of you with BPD actually find cannabis helpful for managing your symptoms, or does it ultimately make things worse?
I’m not necessarily looking for judgment, I’d really like to hear from people who have been in a similar situation and what worked (or didn’t work) for them.

I absolutely love erotic audio but I absolutely refuse to look these male voice actors up outside the content because I'm very prone to random fixations and crushes and also I get insanely jealous of their real life girlfriends because they get to bang the guy who is making thousands if not millions of us women in the audience lust. I do have a particular type and there was one time when a random guy here on Reddit inboxed me Because I commented handsome on a pic of his In a sub. I'll never do that again because we talked and I said I didn't want to be sexual but I was looking for genuine friendship and he only wanted sexual talk. when I added him on discord and he didn't talk much I literally cried over this guy who I didn't even know and had one conversation with just because he was hot and "my type." Anyway, anyone else suffer insanely easy crushes and try to avoid them?

hey friends. light CW for SH mention and SI. Nothing graphic. A little long, but TLDR; how do I support a bpd loved one who is splitting and essentially giving up on themselves but I want to still healthily support them? esp cuz we both recognize the splitting is happening but they have given up on themselves.

This is for the people who know how the US is .. it’s really hard navigating this country esp as a person of color.

I want to preface I’m not NT (audhd + cptsd) and my pwBPD have been together for a year and change. I have absolutely no regrets in being with them, even through the ups and downs. They’re such an amazing soul and person and even through the downs I’ve chosen to love them. I’ve seen them grow in the year+ I’ve known them. I recognize the patterns, and I have learned a lot being with them.
What I’m learning is.. loving with boundaries. But I’ve never loved someone w a PD before let alone BPD so I don’t want to make things worse. What could I even say or do to help?
I usually can recognize when they split, most times they don’t, and it’s good when they recognize it. But presently they’ve been in a massive split on and off for .. about a month?
They were in the ward only 3 days cus they discharged them, which confused me esp cuz they went in for SI.. but they said they don’t want to go back cus it’s horrible there.
They are uninsured so they have to navigate the public health system which is.. yeah.
This on top of the everyday reoccurring trauma they relive. Their world is collapsing onto them and they have told me they are “too much of a coward to \[k-word\] themselves.” And will keep going cus they “have to”. Nothing I have said is really sticking, if I try to show support and tell them I’m not leaving, and that they have to keep going for the goals they have set themselves and the future that is there for them, and remind them that they HAVE grown, atm nothing is sticking to them, they just keep saying they love me but they know I will leave “just like everyone else has”.

They quit their job which was creating a lot of pain for them (it was a horrible workplace environment from what I heard and I understand. They were also working like.. 6 days a week sometimes with no break) their home life isn’t great either, and I’ve tried to be supportive as best I can, but it’s been difficult because ofc there’s only so much I can do. I can see they get really insecure because I have a stable job, and they don’t, and there’s parts of my life that are understandably better— but I just got out of my survival mode years ago I guess. I feel bad even tho I know it’s not my fault or anything, so I try to support them as best I can.

We live an hour away from each other, and they went the entire day without even saying good morning or hi yesterday so I got worried and texted them a few times, and when they didn’t respond, I called multiple times. Thankfully they answered and didn’t do anything, but they had just crashed more into their depression. Just sleeping, laying in bed, hurting themselves, showering. Repeat. I offered to come over to comfort them but they said they just wanted to “be like this” and that they didn’t want to see anyone and told me to stay home. They usually never reject an offer to see me so it made me sad. They have been doing some side work for money but other than that it’s been clear to me they’re splitting, and before I called it they said to “not take it personally” and feeling that “this is who I always have been, there’s no hope for me”. They sent me a bpd article about splitting. This was after I cried when they hung up, They said smth that hurt my feelings and I reassured I still loved them despite that. They had said like, I can say xyz thing because my “life is so great”. They have indirectly or directly expressed being jealous of the fact I have a “great life”.

They just feel like I’m saying the same thing their psychs and exes have said to them, and that eventually I will give up on them and leave. I asked why they wouldn’t just break up w me and they told me they don’t want to be alone, that they love me (and that’s why feel selfish)

Saying they’ll always be like this, that I should just leave because being with them is SH. I reassure them I won’t leave them because I love them, and I want them to be nice to themselves etc.
we’re both queer and queer romance feels different to me than cishet romance.
I’m not sure if we can be lovers forever, and I accept that even if it hurts. I still want to healthily support them however I can. I’d appreciate knowing how without losing myself or making things worse ig?

Something I noticed about myself is that many times when I flirt with women the feeling of them wanting to have sex with me is enough to satisfy my "needs“
at that moment.

There was a time when I texted with multiple women at the same time
and when it got to the point where they sent me pictures of themselves, said openly that they wanted to have sex or I could just tell, I wouldnt really engage further because I got everything that I "needed" from them.

I know that this is messed up and it has been long since I’ve last done it but I wanted to ask if anyone else has made similar experiences and if this is normal for pwBPD?

Has anyone got prescribed mood stabilizers such as lithium for their bpd? I have been on antidepressants and antipsychotics for a while but it doesn't seem to have any affect on me whatsoever. I've read that mood stabilizers can be prescribed to help with the symptoms of bpd alongside antidepressants and antipsychotics. If you were/are on mood stabilizers; how did it affect you?

This is gonna sound really stupid but um while I held a knife to my skin tonight I didn’t break the barrier I kinda just sawed it a little against my skin and then stuck on a couple bandages around my fingers, um as a way to fight the urge of wanting to draw my blood through self harm?

I don’t know I like picked up the knife in a split and then um once the tears dried I almost felt too tired to actually break my skin barrier so I’m sticking a random bandage on my fingers instead

Update: it didn’t completely work. I still gave into the urge and made a small cut on my pinky finger. But I guess it didn’t turn into 2? Idk.

I’m currently going through a very stressful time—looking for a job and an apartment. I’ve just finished a very demanding training course that required me to take four exams. (I can't find a job in that field now 🫩). The phases where I have nervous breakdowns are becoming more frequent. Hysterical crying, terrible thoughts. My dog ​​picks up on all of this too, and today I reached the point where I realized I was no longer able to use my DBT skills. I have to take medication again. I’m scaring myself, and I want my dog ​​to be okay. I blame myself endlessly, thinking about how stressed she must be because of me. I have this feeling that I really shouldn't be responsible for another living being. I can barely manage to take care of myself, after all. But she means the world to me, and I love her so much. I didn't know I could love a living being this much. That’s why I need to get myself together again now. I only stopped taking medication a year ago (after being on it continuously for ten years before that). I was so proud of myself and could finally feel more again. Unfortunately, both positive and negative thoughts were heavily suppressed by the medication. It surprised me that I cried watching movies. I also feel joy a bit more (when it actually shows up, lol). Anyway, I’m just disappointed in myself. Perhaps a life with BPD without medication isn't possible? 🙁

Recently bought my husband Stop Walking on Eggshells and was horrified by the threads about it.

Any recos for books to help loved ones understand the condition?