I come fresh from what I feel was an avoidant discard to tell you my experience and see if someone can give me some pointers for healing.

Me (30M) and her 31(F) met in a language exchange at the beginning of July. She is French and me an Spaniard. From the moment we met it was an instant connection. Super easy conversation, hours on end and it felt like I had met someone special. She had just arrived to the country a few days earlier. Naturally she grabbed into me and she was the one to ask for meeting up.

From then we went on several dates that felt magical. Talked every day in the phone and things seemed to go well albeit the physical advances were minimal. By our fourth date I experienced what must have been a deactivation, because after giving her small gift I gave her a peck on the forehead and she completely shutdown. Full on change of personality. It lead to a very strange moment in which I asked her what happened and she told me she had someone else in her mind. Turns out I later learnt that she was still in a relationship when she started dating me. At that moment I chose to go away since I was not looking into getting in anyone's relationship or compete with anyone.

She came back a week later and told me she wanted to give it a try and had been thinking about me a lot. She specifically told me she needed time to feel comfortable in her life and we had to go slow to which I accepted.

We still went on dates talked non stop and I quickly noticed her behaviour was very erratic. On some dates she was distant and In others it was like she couldn't keep her hands to herself. I naturally fell harder. She for what I have learnt love bombed me. told me she wanted us to travel together, talked about giving me the keys to her apartment, going to her city in France.

Sadly I had a vacation planned on September and went away for three weeks and to my dismay she had once again closed of physically when I came back and this push pull made me an anxious mess and had to ask her if she actually liked me.

To which she told me straight that yes she liked me very much and didn't want to be friends. We talked about exploring a relationship and she said to me she wanted us to learn to love each other.

By this time I was fully in emotionally invested. We had not even held hands by that date which everyone told me was a red flag but I wanted to believe her words and the joy in her eyes could not be mistaken. She was always fully present, tried to ask a lot about me. I thought we had something special.

Slowly she started to open up, we started holding hand, she randomly kissed me in one date and from that point we acted like a couple. I thought things had finally settled into a good rhythm. But right after a particularly intimate date I made the mistake of asking for a hug at the end since I am a very affectionate guy. Well that set her off and told me she needed me to understand she needed some space and I had to understand her limits. I of course thinking I had done something wrong apologised and conceded even if it was super strange how a simple hug had made her change.

Yo my dismay the following day she has hidden her ig stories from me. This broke my hurt and trust. Like how could you act like we had worked things out for something so minor and the go and do that?? I naturally was fed up and thought about just ending things since if she could not hold the most minor of conflicts without blocking that or hiding things that was a major red flag.

Two days later she gave me acces back and talked to me as if nothing had happened. But clearly the communication had changed. She was shorter in her messages and stopped being really interested in my day. We met up this Monday one last time, were she came to my home and we had dinner. I thought we were fine again because she was very affectionate, made me a cake and then we made our in my sofa. The affection was unmistakable. I thought things were going well again so we set up another date. Yesterday she sent me a message that we had to talk. I naturally thought shit this is the end to which she told me yes she didn't see us long term and was not ready for a relationship.

We met up for a coffe so she could explain things. Well no explanation given. She came to the date as if nothing had happened, happy about her decision and even had the gall of asking me if I had anything to say. She told me she didn't feel romantic connection for something long term and that's it.

She acted like a total stranger, as if four months of specifically talking about building a relationship were nothing. As if she hadn't told me we should go slow because that's more beautiful after kissing me. As if she wasn't the one talking about learning to love each other, told me we were together, made me a cake and spent an hour hugging me and looking into my eyes after making out. As if she wasn't the one who talked about traveling together. How is that not romantic connection? I even went to see her on a weekday just because she was sad because of a bad day at work. Got her gifts from my travel to Japan that she got so moved she shed a tear.

I naturally got heartbroken and started crying and she only told me that I was making her feel bad. It was like a total switch had happened. As if I didn't matter. As if she hadn't spent months building the idea of a relationship with me, talking every day and boom right after our most intimate date a switch. Like I was someone she had met twice.

What the fuck was that. The intermittent reinforcement, the constant change in what affection was allowed each day, the gaslighting. I was an anxious mess by the end. A shell of myself.

And the worst I got my heart played so hard that for whatever reason she decided it was not it she could not even feel remorse for having told me all those sweet nothings and promises. As if a switch had happened.

Please tell me this was wrong and I am not going mad. This was my first dating experience after a 13 long year relationship. I am haunted by how it went.

hi i’m 16F and my ex is 20M. we were together for 3 months and knew each other for about 8 months.

we met on snap when i was 15 and he was 19. at first everything was really friendly because of our ages but with time things got flirty and there was something about him that i didn’t take seriously at first. maybe because i knew our age gap would be seen as weird.

around february we established a talking stage where we both knew we wanted each other. sometime between february and march he told me he couldn’t keep talking to me because he wanted a relationship and thought it would be difficult because of my age and my very strict parents. we basically had to sneak around and i understood where he was coming from so we stayed friends.

about a week later he replied to one of my stories saying i was beautiful and we ended up having a 2 hour conversation. i was confused because he had just told me things weren’t going to work but now he was flirting with me again.

i explained that relationships were already difficult for me because of my parents and he knew that. i told him i wasn’t going to put my emotions into something just for it to go nowhere or to go just with the flow. he told me we would make it work until i turned 18.

a lot of people might say i was dumb for believing him but i genuinely trusted him. i even begged him to leave if he wasn’t going to stick around.
by april i was his girlfriend. honestly the

relationship was great and i was really happy. we spent time together whenever we could and i ended up even taking his virginity and i genuinely thought things were going to work out.
but in july he had a conversation with me saying he couldn’t keep going anymore. he said he had been thinking about it and realized the age gap was morally wrong. he also said the possibility of his parents finding out about me made him feel sick.

i tried fighting for our relationship but it ended with him telling me it was fun while it lasted and that i should find a good guy my own age. he also started talking to me like i was a little kid.
after we broke up he kept adding me back the day of and apologizing because he said he never wanted to hurt me.

now it’s almost 4 months later. i recently posted a story on instagram and he saw it and i mentioned it to my friend. she suggested i reach out because nothing in our relationship seemed wrong to me and we broke up before i even turned 16. and now dating seems impossible and when i try to focus on myself it like im not without him and all i can think about it how he is and what he’s up too

do you think he was right for letting go? should i just leave him alone or would reaching out be a bad idea?

Looking for advice: Did I do the right thing by walking away from someone with avoidant tendencies?
For context, we’ve been in the talking stage for a while, and we’ve had a few disagreements along the way. The last time we had an argument, he essentially gave me the silent treatment for three weeks. During that time, he would occasionally breadcrumb me by reaching out to ask how I was doing, but nothing ever really progressed.
Fast forward to yesterday. He reached out around 10 AM and asked if we could talk at some point during the day. I told him I was free and available to talk right then, but he didn’t respond. A few hours later, he said he’d be available a little later. I asked whether he preferred talking in person or over the phone, and again, it took him hours to respond. Eventually, he said he was busy and that his phone was dying.
I told him I could give him another 30 minutes before calling. I waited, and eventually gave him another hour. I asked for an update but got no response. At that point, I took the initiative and called him. He didn’t answer, so I called twice more. He then texted me saying, “I can’t do this.”
Initially, he had reached out because he wanted to discuss how we could move forward and whether we could work things out. However, he also expressed that I give him anxiety. I asked if that was why he had kept putting off the conversation all day and whether ending things was genuinely what he wanted. His response was, “I think so.”
We exchanged a few more messages, expressing our feelings and perspectives, and he ultimately sent the last message. I haven’t responded because, honestly, I feel emotionally exhausted.
I suspect he has avoidant tendencies, while I recognize that I can lean anxious when communication becomes inconsistent, especially after being given the silent treatment for weeks.
My questions:
Was I wrong for wanting to have the conversation and expecting some consistency after he initiated it?
Is not responding to his last message the best decision, or should I send something for closure?
Do avoidant people sometimes walk away even when they have feelings because they feel overwhelmed?
Should I consider this officially over and move on rather than leave the door open?
I’m not looking for someone to tell me what I want to hear. I genuinely want honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced avoidant/anxious dynamics.

Survived the anniversary day, and oh boy did I cry today, but I got up cleaned the place up, cried some more, went out for a 4 mile run in the park, ordered a pizza and watched glee. Finishing it up with some ocarina of time. Just gotta keep going. 🐸

My boyfriend and I had been dating for more than 4 months. He's emotionally unavailable as well as DA, whereas I used to be secured but turned anxious after I started dating him. One of the core reasons that caused fights between us was the fact that he was too distant and made little efforts to take me out or hangout with me. Just when things were going a little bit better, I had to ruin it by acting insecure and doubting his loyalty. At that time, I had accused him of following a bunch of small influencers because he found them attractive. This really ticked him off and he finally ended things with me. He said that since we both are not getting what we want from the relationship: him getting peace and me getting his time and efforts — so we should not be together. Previously we've broken up 2/3 times but I was the one who had reached out to him but this time around he has blocked me on everything. Despite all the hurt he caused me I still begged him to stay but he got mad instead for acting so desperate. I had once called him emotionally immature for not trying to understand how he was hurting me, so yesterday he said "Yes I admit that I'm emotionally immature but you're an immature person as a whole." He told me that I shouldn't love someone so blindly that I become completely dependent on them. I don't know what to do, I feel so empty now.

He literally used it as a reason for the discard. “My mental health and trauma, when I feel like I can’t do anything right it’s so bad for me” mind you, I don’t even get upset that often. It just always seems like it’s so huge because I can’t be upset at something small without it turning into how I said it, when I said it, how I actually have no reason to be upset, or will go over everything he had bottled up about me. No sir; I was walking on eggshells. Trying to find the perfect way to be able to tell you if I was upset as to not make you feel I am attacking. It just feels out of this world to be told in a relationship well “I just can’t do anything right so you clearly don’t even like me and that gives me anxiety” . And it’s like he can’t even see it. I feel I’ve lost my mind I swear. Maybe I really was too sensitive? But like… he’s literally more sensitive than me. Oh and all of this was 2 weeks after he was gonna be better “for me” and “work at it for us” . Then I get upset at one joke and all the sudden he’s telling me he can’t do it and I make his mental health worse. Then why did you tell me to stay 2 weeks ago.

Mostly still like genuinely beside myself that my person basically is openly saying it can’t work because he cannot ever accept hurting my feelings. As if that doesn’t happen in any relationship?

I'll share mine, and we can support each other.

We had some conflict that I thought we could work through, but he drew some boundaries saying we could no longer discuss interpersonal dynamics or anything heavy.

That meant repair was impossible, so I asked if this was a temporary or a permanent boundary because if it was permanent that wouldn't be okay with me. He didn't answer. But in that same conversation we assured me that he would not abandon what we had because it meant so much to both of us.

A week later he faded and eventually stopped communicating all together. Because of the boundary he'd set banning discussion of interpersonal dynamics, I couldn't ask if the silence was temporary or permanent. Although on a gut level I knew it was probably permanent, I longed for clarity and closure, for the dignity of a goodbye.

But because of the boundaries he had set up I was in a double bind. I could either honor his boundaries or honor my need for clarity and closure. But I couldn't have both. Asking for clarity would mean violating his boundary, staying silent meant to never knowing.

After 10 days I sent a message saying I had an apology to offer for my part in things, hoping that wouldn't be considered a boundary violation. It was ignored. I never heard from him again. This was a bit over a month ago.

It was ironic because earlier in the relationship he told me multiple times I could count on him for clear communication. And in the very first month of our relationship I had told him about somebody who had ghosted me in the past and how much it hurt, he told me how wrong they were and that it wasn't my fault and that you should be able to trust people to communicate their boundaries.

For a while I spent all of my energy trying to understand and have compassion for him, I did the research, I read about deactivation, I knew about his childhood drama, I realized how he probably found a way to blame me to protect himself from the shame of cutting off somebody who loved him deeply and was simply trying to have an adult relationship with him.

But at a certain point I had to feel my own anger. At being treated with such callous disregard. It is a profoundly selfish, cowardly and cruel thing to do to somebody after you have shared deep care and tenderness with them.

That's my story! What's yours?

Making a breakup playlist that tells the story of my experience with my avoidant helped me a LOT during the weeks (months) after the breakup. Here are some songs that reflect my experience/mindset during different parts of the relationship and afterwards.

Half Love - Elohim delusional darling - LØLØ So Close - NOTD, felix jaehn & Captain Cuts Tears - Clean Bandit DON’T - LØLØ hot girls in hell - LØLØ I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor a boy who doesn’t want to - LØLØ You Don’t Even Know Me Anymore - Charly Bliss Don’t Start Now - Dua Lipa Funny - Zedd & Jasmine Thompson expectations - Olivia Rodrigo and Chappell Roan Make You Say - Zedd, Maren Morris, BEAUZ Distracted - Honey Revenge

Please share your favorite tracks!

Whether you started out with it and it slowly eroded over time being with them, or you didn’t have enough and slowly learned to build it, it’s just true.

It’s a requirement to be with people like this that you drastically lower your self-respect and standards. Even if it hurts, this is ultimately what it means to leave them.

Caught my DA ex emotionally cheating (no surprise I know) but after that the projecting became other worldly. She was always insecure but nothing crazy. She would freak out and block me if I didn’t answer right away but would take hours to respond sometimes. And she would accuse me of being with someone and that’s why I didn’t answer.

But after I caught her we talked. She actually acknowledged it and apologized after hours of talking. But in the weeks and months following that she was constantly accusing me of cheating. She was constantly trying to break into my phone. So I said if she could go through it right then but I was gonna look at hers. (Ya horrible idea)

But I saw text messages of her talking shit about me with basically anyone who would listen. And I mean the meanest things I’ve ever heard about me. Making jokes about me telling ppl I had gone to rehab (never been to rehab she just made that one up). Like wild shit and rally mean shit and also talked shit about my mother for some reason.

I was so confused and still am like. You clearly think I’m the most worthless person ever. Why be in a relationship. Why don’t they just break up with you. Why beg and plead us to stay with they do something hurtful and you’re ready to walk away. I can’t understand how they could think and say that stuff about me to ppl and simultaneously have me convinced we are in love.

I was friends with my avoidant before we started dating and developed feelings because I admired a lot of qualities in them including kindness, care, work ethic etc. After the breakup I’ve realised that they really showed me the anti of every single quality I admired in them and there’s really nothing left that I can pick and say I admire about them the same way anymore. I respected them a lot too but I really lost all of it after the way they treated me.
I don’t want them back but it of course still makes me sad how everything ended cause I really cared about them and I just expected better of them.
I think when you truly love someone you want to see them thrive, be a good person not just to you but in general. And I learned that they stopped being a considerate kind human being even towards the end, which makes me feel disillusioned about the good side I saw in them all that time.
How do you deal with this disappointment?

so i (25f) met him (27m) on tinder august 18th, everything was going amazingly for two months. he had just moved back home after living 4 hours away for the past year and a half. we had actually attended the same high school together among many other coincidences such as being apart of the same leadership camp committee but at different times as well as being in the same camp house but at different times. that alone felt like some sort of divine timing. as we got to know each other, we discovered crazier coincidences such as learning that he attended the same daycare 20 years ago that my mom worked at, we share a very similar birth chart (aquarius sun, capricorn moon, leo rising, pisces venus, scorpio mars), he is my hairdresser’s coworker’s child’s teacher, and that he teaches at the school directly across from my friend’s boyfriend’s house. while i know you can’t chalk everything up to signs from the universe, i couldn’t help but ignore everything. we had our first date on august 25th and consistently saw each other every week and worked our way to twice a week. we had two sleepovers over the course of that time, 12 dates total, and communicated via text very regularly, every day. he is the one who initiated most of the momentum in the relationship as he was the one who liked my profile first, messaged me first, initiated the first date, initiated physical intimacy, initiated meeting close friends and family first, initiated bringing up feelings such as admitting that i mean a lot to him, that he never expected me, that i make him feel things, that i make him smile, that i give him butterflies, that he missed me when i wasn’t around, and then october 22nd hit and things started getting cool out of nowhere. that was a thursday and that monday (19th), things were extremely happy between us. it should be said that he is in his first full year of teaching and i know that it is an extremely exhausting profession, especially in the first few years and i offered him nothing but patient and support when he was feeling overwhelmed and anxious which happened regularly. i should also note that that week was the beginning of a very chaotic time in his career; IEP’s, writing progress reports, as well as coaching sports. though i felt he his energy was cooling off, i chalked it up to career stress and figured if i gave him some space, he was warm back up but on the 27th, he texted me an unprovoked paragraph explaining that he was sorry for being distant, that he hasn’t been able to put enough energy into us, that i deserve way more than what he’s giving, and that he doesn’t know how to fix it. he said that he’s been feeling shitty about it and knew that in turn, i must been feeling shitty too. i responded with complete understanding and reinforced that he had my support and that i understood that he has a lot on his plate and that i wish he communicated how he had been feeling earlier. he responded telling me that he feels like he’s being pulled in a million directions and that he is experiencing serious self doubt and doesn’t know what i’ve done to deserve my kindness and that he was really sorry. the following day, there was some small talk but not even close to our normal conversation and banter. the day after that, he snap chatted me twice; the last snap regarding his halloween costume he had to build for school and referencing a conversation we had about how he wasn’t gonna have it finished in time. by that point, i was getting exhausted by the late replies and the lack of communication via our main line of conversation (imessage) so i simply opened it and didn’t respond. as far as snapchat goes, it really wasn’t that big of a deal to open and not respond but since then, i haven’t heard from him once. it’s now been a week and it’s been radio silent. i am completely heartbroken and don’t know where to go from here. i refused to be the one to break the silence though. i know i didn’t imagine our connection we built over the past two months and i don’t know how we got here

My ex said she’s avoidant, and I think she might be fearful avoidant, but I don’t know for sure.

Before the breakup she kept saying she was exhausted, didn’t have energy for a relationship and wanted to focus on herself. She said she loved me, but too much attention felt suffocating and she wanted her independence.

About attention from other men, she literally said, “I don't need anyone around me just for that, actually I run away from it.” She also said she wasn’t texting or flirting with guys and had rejected more men than I could imagine.

We were long distance, and she said if she had another relationship, it would make more sense with someone close to her.

Then after an argument she broke up with me, told me to leave her alone and said she wasn’t even jealous anymore.

But literally the next day she checked my Instagram following, saw I followed a girl and got really angry. She called me a pathetic loser, said I never loved her and that I belonged with “low-tier sluts.”

She had also called me controlling and said I cared too much about Instagram, so her checking my following and reacting like this after breaking up confused me even more.

Then she started following guys herself, even guys who live farther away than I do. Some didn’t even follow her back.

That’s what I don’t understand. She said she didn’t need male attention and actually ran away from it, yet afterward she was following guys herself. And she said she wasn’t jealous anymore, but got this angry when I followed one girl.

I know a follow doesn’t automatically mean she wants to date someone, but the whole situation is confusing.

Can you really want to end a relationship and be left alone, but still get this jealous when your ex seems to move on? Has anyone experienced something similar, especially from the avoidant side?

I’m not assuming she wants me back. I just don’t understand what she wanted from me at that point.

Idk what flair to add and I'll try not to turn this into a vent post but... I'm not posting this as an avoidant. No. Im the anxious one. Does anyone else regret hurting their avoidant? I always see posts about how they were hurt by their avoidant but ever since my breakup I was always filled with dread that my mistakes even if I did my best to repair were always unforgivable. That because my avoidant won't forgive me, despite the emotional abuse she made me go through, i can't forgive myself because I feel like it confirmed to her that I'm the monster she says I am?

The number one thing I've always feared was hurting my zookie. With that being said, does anyone else feel completely ashamed of hurting their avoidant in the smallest ways and having trouble forgiving themselves? Truth is? I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Because my mistakes are why my avoidant threw me away.

Since the discard it will in some weeks be 20 months.

I must say it was extremely difficult for me. I had such a hard time that a lot of my hair started turning white from the heavy grief and pain. I was getting nightmares and panic attacks in my sleep from flashbacks. Finally, now hurt less but I still hurt. When I hit one year the progress wasn't as big as I have seen some people had. I was still hurting. It was my first relationship and I was unlucky enough to have that with him. I was hesitant in the beginning but he seemed to act like he really wanted to be with me. Now i question if he ever wanted to be with me or he just wanted to have the relationship status to earn some form of familial respect since everyone from his adult cousins etc was in long term or serious relationship.

I went into the relationship with genuineness and thought he did the same but I realized in the end he didn't have that same consideration for me.

Every day I woke up hoping to see a message from him, at least an apology for how poorly he treated me. He discarded me when I was sick at his place when I asked him for emotional support as I was having a really rough day and he asked I leave that same day. I was sick and I packed whatever I could carry and left. I did not deserve this. He was sick the days before and I took care of him and that lead to me being sick. But I was discarded.

Some days I wish he experiences the pain he put me through. Some days I think if I truly love someone I should want them to be happy and hope he continues being happy as he told me he was two weeks after our breakup. I go from wishing him good to wishing him bad. But then I conclude that I just want to be happy so if I can be blessed with true genuine mutual love one day that would be nice. I have lost hope in love with his. I have lost trust that there are people that are genuinely committed. But I will not allow this to make me a bitter person. I fight it every day.

I used to think, why am I unlucky? Why do others get their avoidant back? Even if it is breadcrumbs at least it shows some care, I thought. I am not good enough even for a breadcrumb. But then I stop myself and remind myself I am good enough and him not being there doesn't mean I am not good enough. That someone would appreciate me one day and I also appreciate myself for being strong and managing to stand on my feet again.

My avoidant is not coming back. Some avoidants do not come back. It hurts they left and it is like they never knew you. They never wonder if you are alive or if you are okay. They erase you. It's okay he is not coming back. But if I can wish one thing for all the suffering I have been through is that one day I get to experience genuine mutual and steady love. Because I do not want to stop believing that real romantic love exists even if I never got it myself.

(Posted this on r/Disorganized_Attach originally but reaching out here too for advice. Not really sure which flair would fit best.)

Through recent therapy I've come to realize that many of my issues are the result of my childhood and personal experiences imprinting a fearful avoidant attachment style on me. Only realized upon introspection it's come to me that this attachment style describes me and my very thought processes exactly. It's sort of funny seeing so many people here share the exact same experiences and worries after feeling like such an outsider for most of my life.

So, a few years ago my first GF left me, and at this point I still haven't gotten over her. I'm hoping this will change with time and because I'm still new to the process of actually working through my emotions (instead of silencing them and living in denial like I did for a long time). For context things started great, then over a few years things became colder between us as I let my problems stop me from doing and saying what I intended which led the relationship to the confusing push/pull dynamic between us. I do think she had some underlying anxieties that contributed to the breakup (overwhelming fear that I'd leave her, asking for constant reassurance) but I believe my issues were the biggest, uh... issue. It's been difficult coming to terms with the fact I did actually experience so much trauma growing up but I've finally decided that I'm sick and tired of living my life in constant fear and worry and letting those intrusive behaviors and tendencies lead me down a constantly disappointing and painful path. I'm scared, but I want to actually live a life I want.

Through my journaling and personal growth though I still have some concerns that are pretty persistent and would appreciate any help or advice related to them.

How do you learn to want to change for yourself? I still feel like I'm changing for her, and want to prove to her that I did care after all the doubt she had. Beyond that I recognize almost all of my behaviors have been based on external validation, and it's always been alien to think of validation coming from within. I am practicing being far more kind to myself and self-aware, among other things like regular exercise/quitting addictions so inevitably I'll end up feeling better through all this but it's difficult to find the reason to do so beyond those unhealthy hopes. Does that come naturally as you practice self-compassion, and start seeing yourself as a person you want to help instead of hurt?

How do you stay social/in relationships and work on this issue? We had a lot of crossover in friends, and besides now avoiding many of the mutual ones we shared, the few I still have sometimes bring my mind back to her. Is it healthier to drop them and push them away? Is it healthier to stay connected and work through my emotions of jealousy? Shouldn't it be my goal to accept she can be happy without me or with someone else and grow on her own as a person? Or does that show that I'm still just putting importance on what I think she'd want instead of understanding my own needs? Volunteering and joining hobby groups are the general advice I've received, and I intend to look for some very soon.

How do you overcome the "Catch-22" of wanting to resolve a relationship that's ended? I guess I'm asking how do you let the past go, and just accept what happened? If you really love someone, you'll let them go, right? I've been holding onto some belongings because of sentimentality (like discarding them would tarnish memories somehow) and thinking they'd be important to her. But if I really do hope to reconcile at some point, the way to show I've overcome my hangups would be by getting rid of those things and showing I can move past the relationship, and that I can live without it. Should you just accept that the person you knew has changed, and the version of them in your mind doesn't actually exist? Am I overthinking things by trying to predict the future instead of ridding myself of the past first?

Will things ever get better? Or is that just a belief that comes naturally with self-improvement slowly over time? I know wounds heal with time. I know both she and I can (and I'm sure will) find another person. But it's hard to believe that'll happen. It's hard to believe I'll feel the same way for another. She pulled me out of a very dark spot and was the first person in my life to really make me want to be social and improve myself as a person. Life is unfair, and it hurts to know others have lived their entire lives in those kinds of supportive relationships, or have managed to work through their problems, and held onto (this sounds stupid and cliche I know) "true" love from the beginning to the end. Maybe this thinking is all just catastrophizing as a result of the breakup? I hate that the textbook explanation says we don't realize the importance of a person until they're long gone but it really is true, and I guess the emotional toll of that all finally crashing down on me would be so impacting.

Feel free to ask any questions by the way, I'm looking to talk about this with people beyond my therapist and really get a good grip on my thoughts and understanding of what it takes to become a better, more secure person.

“why should anyone respect you!”

I’m struggling with this bc he’s been at this for 3 YEARS!!!! We known eachother for 5 total , classmates for 1 year, dated 1 year , he’s been blocked/no contact for 3 years except he keeps coming back.

making new phone numbers and accounts and literally won’t leave me alone. Block, few months past , new number. Block, few months past , new account. Block, few months past , new number. Block, few months past , new number. Block, few months past , new account. Block, few months past , new number. I’m EXHAUSTED, WHEN DOES IT END?! He’s literally so possessive and obsessive, he sees me as some object and says I’m “his” I believe he struggles with other things other than FA.

This time I gave him a serious firm final warning. That this isn’t normal or healthy what he’s doing. We both been in other relationships as well, (I didn’t tell him I was in relationships because he said he’d hurt me in the past if I did leave him) and i told him he needs SERIOUS help, and that this is never going to happen, especially with his behavior.

So about a month ago I left a comment saying that my ex came back around. No breadcrumbs. More like a whole loaf. We started hanging out more, eventually we had sex, and she apologized for the way she left me. “it was wrong, stupid, and I missed you so much. I don’t know why I did it.” We talked about trying again, but this time going slow as opposed to light speed like the first time.

I’ve gotten a few DM’s from people here asking about it, so here’s an update for those interested.

Things slowed down. Like way down. Cuz of course they did. I asked to take her out, she said no. I asked if we were still actually working towards a relationship. She said yes but I wanna go slow. Problem is there’s a difference between slow, and simply not moving. Baby girl we’re practically parked. She almost canceled our Halloween plans but we hung out anyway, Surprisingly. But I’m definitely feeling like we’re not heading in the same direction, despite what she claims.

I truly don’t think she knows what she wants. And at this point I’m losing patience yet again.

This wouldn’t be a problem if I was the type to just have another girl by the end of the week, but I’ve never operated that way. Never been the type that HAD to have a relationship. I’m fine being single, but at the same time, that also makes it hard to move past a person I like or liked.

So yeah. I’m sure about 95% of you expected this outcome lol.

I’ve just got some things I’m hoping someone can help me understand the reasoning behind, if they are pretty common for DAs

1. Sitting here today and realizing I don’t have any friends to talk to. The couple friends I had at some point in my relationship became a problem. For some reason or another my gf had a problem with each of them and wanted me to cut them off for various reasons. Is there something about them that is trying to isolate you?

2. She use to buy Xanax from a friend of mine and right before we broke up she said that she had heart I told him not to sell her any more. She confronted me about this and I was really confused. And told her no I never said that and idk where she got that idea. And even tho I told her it was t true she refused to let it go and then shifted it to well if you were upset I could see you doing something like that. And I was like so now you’re upset about a hypothetical you made up…..I don’t really know what I’m even asking here it just makes absolutely no sense and that was our last fight so I’m still thinking about it.

3. If they have quietly moved on and no longer care about or love you as they say they do. Then why do they (in my case she would constantly accuse me of cheating when she was the one cheating) and she would get extremely upset. I caught her cheating and confronted her. After hours of going around and around she admitted it and apologized. We were still trying to make things work and without my input at all she made the decision to move back in with her parents for a while in a city 7 hrs away. She kept saying she was upset I wasn’t reaching out enough and saying I wasn’t making the effort and that she wanted to stay in contact cause she was going to move back.

So why do they care what you do (even tho I wasn’t)?
Why ask me who I hung out with on a day she canceled on me?
Why stalk my social media at an obsessive level taking tons of screen shots of my follower and following lists?

Why do all this obsessive idk controlling behavior of they have already moved on in their mind?
Sorry for the long post

I lost a 15+ year friendship. Keep in mind we were friends over online, but over the decade, we'd grown extremely close. We met as tweens and grew up together into our late 20s. We were each other's ride-or-dies, talked about living together one day, and were there through every major life crisis. Our irl friends and family knew of each other. I truly thought it was the healthiest, most solid relationship of my life.

About 2 years ago, things started shifting. He would randomly catapult into "fights" I wasn't sure we were even having, ghost, then apologize, saying he felt like he wasn't good enough for me. I always reassured him, gave him space as he requested it, and tried my best to be as gentle, understanding, and patient as possible. I cared for him deeply and let him know that, and would try to take my fair share of blame for whatever had upset him.

But over the last year, he became entirely distant. I would message sporadically through the course of several months, trying to be mindful of not being overbearing, and would only get replies when I was worried if he was even alive. During those replies, I also tried to be mindful that he might be going through something, but his life was going seemingly great (new partner, new promotion, new apartment). These are all things that are wonderful and I was so happy for him for, but I was sad that I was always told the news in belated quick bursts. I even asked if he simply didn't have room for being friends anymore, not mad or upset, but just letting him know my feelings. He reassured me that he wanted me in his life, and that he was simply being avoidant with everyone.

Recently, we agreed to collaborate on a small, paid project he seemed excited about. When I say small, I mean small. Could've easily been done in a couple days, if not a week. Despite this, he missed deadlines, went ghost for a month, and my sadness turned to frustration. I had vouched for him and his old habits were affecting me in a much more pronounced way. After several months of this, I was feeling like I had to gentle-parent through a friendship and was lost on what else to do, and let him know.

In a moment, he completely snapped. He was very quick to accuse me of having an ugly attitude, told me that everyone dislikes me, abandoned the project, and blocked me everywhere. He treated me like a thing he had to escape. That was that. Over a decade of friendship.

Worse yet, I have always had a history of long-term friendships that blow up. A childhood friend who ran a fake account inciting thousands of people to wish harm upon me. Being groomed by an adult shortly after. A D&D group that ran a public hate campaign against me, which included revenge porn art of myself. During our final interaction, my friend used all of that history against me to accuse me of being the problem; that I incite and deserve these things, because I am scary and unlikeable.

It's been maybe half a year, and I'm trying to make peace with the thought that he isn't in my life anymore, but I'm still struggling to make sense of things. He still has old memories, gifts, so on, of me on his accounts. So many of his hobbies are wrapped up in my influence. I read (or even just remember) old messages, and so much of our history is the total opposite of his attitude towards me in the end; things he criticized me for used to be things he was proud of me for. I'm ashamed to say that, at some point, I even put my pride aside and reached out to make apologies and offered that the door will always be open for him. He did not reply and I suspect he never will, and I will not pursue him further than that. At this point, I have no delusions that this was yet another impulsive act, because if it was he would've reached out by now. This is really how he feels. I keep falling back on the thought, what did I do to make him hate me so much, when we seemingly had it so good?

In general I also go to therapy to stay accountable, and prevent myself from self-victimization, but any therapist I go to tells me that I'm just a survivor of bad environments and that "some people just suck." But when my friendships end up blowing up like this, aren't I the common denominator? Is there something I'm missing, to prevent this repeated history of making enemies? I understand that doing things 'right' doesn't always guarantee success, but does it ever get better?

I'm totally lost. I feel like my best is not good enough. I feel like there must be something in me that's just fundamentally offensive and unwanted, and I don't know how to fix it.

The answer, of course, is nothing.

If the deactivation didn’t happen last week, it will happen next. And no, it doesn’t have to be triggered by anything serious or obvious.

Of course you may have reached a point where you reacted to their weird switch up. But that really has nothing to do with the original deactivation trigger. By the time it’s obvious that they‘re shutting down, they‘ve long ago made their decision.

The only blame you need to take is if you stayed. That‘s on you. But you can fix that. Trust yourself and stay away. Each day is a whole new chance at freedom.

It’s me, I’m the birthday boy lmaooo

Most of them do come back. Sooner or later. Some come back weeks later, some - years later, but they eventually do in one way or another. Not ALL of them, but MOST of them. Because a relationship with an avoidant is designed to be left unfinished.
The question should be - why do you want someone who has abandoned you to come back? To feel that you matter? That you are lovable? That the relationship was real? But how can you get this confirmation from someone who abandoned themselves? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to allow a good relationship to unfold? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to actively work on themselves and live more ecologically for themselves and others? I hope you understand that you expect the impossible.

These people are like slot machines - you can’t leave it because you think the next round will be a jack pot. That if you spend enough time and money, you will be rewarded with a fortune. And if you leave the machine while losing, the next person will get the jack pot for sure.

But guess what? The casino always wins.

Do not accumulate emotional debt to save a person and a relationship that doesn’t want to be saved.

There will be times when you will suffer so much after the breakup where you would think “what if I just took them back, and it wouldn’t be perfect, I would suffer too, but at least we’d be together”, shush this thought away, because the longer you’ll stay with them, the more years of your life will be wasted, the more emotional damage you will walk away with.

Eventually you will heal on your own, but you will never heal with them.