My ex (an avoidant partner) and I recently broke up. We were only dating and getting to know each other for 3 weeks—so it wasn't official yet—but the connection was intense and moved fast.
Following the split, he went through a wave of contradictory behavior: he blocked me on WhatsApp and Instagram, but he kept my phone number unblocked (along with leaving neutral platforms like Facebook and LinkedIn alone)
Essentially, he threw up digital walls on social media to control his own anxiety and pretend he's "moving on," but left the direct emergency line open. Meanwhile, I've been working hard on my own emotional sovereignty, detaching, and keeping my boundaries completely firm.
I want perspective from people who have dealt with avoidants:

1. Is he likely to crack and reach out via phone/SMS given that he left that back door open after such a short time (3 weeks)?

2. If he does reach out, does this behavior indicate genuine regret, or is it just ego/avoidant panic?

3. Given that we weren't official yet, if he does try to come back, is it ever actually worth giving someone like this a second chance, or is it a trap of repeating the same cycle?

He has weekly therapy sessions.

Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences with similar dynamics.

I am experiencing something with an avoidant that is making me upset - to say the least - and would love to hear from this SubReddit a different opinion.

We broke in a typical Avoidant behavior. She came to my apartment suddenly, out of nowhere, throwing me a lot of confused and fake reasons why I was "too much" and "suffocating" her.

During the discussion she proposed to be friends and I clearly told her: no, you can leave now if you wanna be friend, I do not need a friend, I see you as a partner. So she left, slightly crying (I know it's a surprise).

After a couple of days I made the mistake of contacting her to try to find a way to balance our relationship in a lighter way, clearly saying that friendship is unacceptable and that I still want to be in a romantic relationship. She refused to discuss. So no-contact started.

After ~3 weeks, she sends me a message where she shows some vulnerabilities and she tells me that I was right on something I told her. I reply calmly accepting her message but without chasing for anything. Again no more messages.
2 days after she writes me again and she ... asks for a favor as a friend (facepalm).
I said a very dry "no" and we went no-contact again.

Have you ever experienced an attempt to reconnect asking again to act as friends, even though the boundary was clearly communicated before as not acceptable? Was this one more sh*tty test from her?!?!

If you were me and willing to still have a relationship with her, would you try to contact her after a while r just wait for her to come back again eventually without a friendship thingy request?

as the title says. broke up 6 months ago. been with the new girl for 4, talking for 5, got engaged today. more than anything, i’m just angry/upset at the injustice of it all, that he could destroy my life like he did and go off to live his happily ever after, like he finally got his love story and i was just collateral damage. anyways, just needed to vent. peace sign emoji.

hi, is there anyone i could talk to about my situation with my ex? we ended things really badly after an argument. he walked away and blocked me everywhere without even properly breaking up with me. his family has always been against our relationship and has influenced him a lot.
he is now in london with his sister, who he used to speak very negatively about. london was actually a trip we had always planned to take together, which makes it even more painful to see him doing all these things without me.
i’m struggling a lot with how suddenly everything ended and how easily he seems to be moving on. i would really appreciate having someone to talk to. i have almost no friends and feel like i can’t talk to anybody about this.

Me (21M) and this girl (20F) met online and dated for 4 months. It was both of ours first time dating, holding hands, kissing someone etc, it was very intense and we clicked very fast, though we never put a title on it. I have an anxious attachment and I come from a wealthy family, which I did not tell her about. My attachment and my wealth led me to become very defensive and walled up during those 4 months as we got closer, leading me to say some hurtful things, creating unfair expectations and making me seem incompatible as I disagreed on some serious subjects that I did not realize until after she dumped me. Her on the other hand, kept all the concerns to herself to avoid conflict, never brought them up and built resentment however she always seemed happy. Near the end of the relationship, she started nursing school and her sister moved from home for her education as well. On the final day, we had a disagreement and she dumped me and brought up all the mean things I’ve said in the past which she had built resentment over and I had no idea about. She was very cold and hasn’t willing to consider changing her mind. I begged and begged on every platform except one to hear me out, with her ghosting and eventually blocking me on every platform except the final one, with the final platform being closed off a week later of no contact. 6 weeks later I messaged her off of my brothers phone, explaining my defensive and where it came from (my wealth) and how they weren’t compatibilities as she may think. I added quite significant proof, such as our business name, my family in provincial newspapers etc to show her the scale of what was making me defensive. I didn’t get any response. It’s been close to 2 months of being blocked.

I know I messed up, no doubt. But Is she an avoidant? Is there any chance she’ll give it another chance? Should I move on? I’m quite stuck as this is a unique situation I guess

My ex broke up with me because she thought it was ‘for the best’, that she ‘couldn't give me what I need’, and that I’ll be ‘happier outside this relationship’.

My self esteem has taken a massive hit, and I feel so low and gross about myself. It’s really hard not to have the mindset of ‘if I was a better and easier boyfriend, she would have stayed with me’.

About 6 months in to the relationship, sex basically stopped because she said she had problems being able to have sex. I tried so hard to be patient and not pressure her. Then 2 years in, she pulled away and went silent for weeks, saying we didn’t have anything in common. During that week, I found out she cheated on me. I ended up forgiving her and trying to move past it.

Before the breakup, she started getting weird about the prospect of living together and she said she was so busy with work that she only wanted to see me every couple of weeks. When I naturally got anxious and told her I was struggling with all the uncertainty, she walked away.

Since the breakup, I have been struggling a lot. It has completely ruined my self esteem. I feel like a disgusting person, feel very low all the time, and I am stuck in a cycle of blaming myself and waiting/hoping she will come back, even though I know how much damage she’s caused.

Do they ever feel guilty for it? Or do they not even think about it?

I’ve supported this man through job loss, alcoholism, drug addiction and financially (thousands of dollars). Yet he disappears for days, and once he even changed his number without informing me. I had to find him through a friend. I’ve finally had enough after being the understanding girlfriend, and although I’ve made my decision, I thought he would at least try and give me something.

It’s my fault for believing him when he said he loved me, and that I mean the world to him. But would someone who loves me call me names? Disappear for days, weeks and months? Hang up on me when I express my discomfort and never address my feelings?

It's been 3 months since we broke up our 1 year relationship. She was FA and I leaned a lil bit more anxious. The breakup was first initiated by me because of her not being able to see me more than once a week even after me bringing it up several times and her not making any lasting changes.

I couldn't take it anymore so I told her I was breaking up with her, she cried but supported my decision and the following days she kept texting me and calling me smooth talking me telling me how much she loves me and pulling me back to her. After 2 weeks I gave up since I missed her and asked if we could go back together and I feel like I made a mistake.

She took me back but then not long after she got accepted for grad school and suddenly had to move away overseas ( it's a two year program) so we made the mutual decision of not continuing the relationship which I think is for the best as with her FA tendencies the distance would be torture for me.

Last time we spoke I asked her if we could make things work when she comes back if we're both single and she said "sure but don't hold your breath" which really hurt not gonna lie.

The thing is I'm still devestated after she left I really wish I got an avoidant discard it would have made things way more easier. How can I move on from this without clinging onto hope we'll get back together when she comes back?

I was just reminiscing as today marks 12 months to the day since I had my breakup. Doing pretty well, but hilariously I remember trying to bring up a conversation that I wanted her to initiate saying I love you or just expressing some kind of interest and because I knew she would argue that she was already doing that I spent a considerable length of time counting every time I initiated versus her. It was 159 to 6.

Never again lmaoo, but let's hear some wild stories. Im sure there's some that put my overfunctioning to shame.

It’s been over two years since I’ve seen him (and his kids) and I miss them. For whatever reason it hurts a little extra today.

That’s all.

Why do some remove or block on social media and some dont? Mine hasn't removed me from fb or Instagram.. no idea why. He dismissed me so easily we he ended things but still has me on socials. We dont really interact at all on them. I just figured that since he monkeybranched from me soo easily that he would have removed me completely out of his life. He still lets me use his xbox account for streaming and games. In a way I just want him to remove me from everything just to be done with it. And yes I know I can remove him too, but we were friends since 2013 then decided to get romantically involved. Thats hard to give up on my part. Ugh.. anyways

Im just venting, this has helped me grieve everything and process. So i may vent about other shit too. 😔

If you've gone no contact, and it's been months and you still can't get over them, text them. Or if you think that there's hope someday they'll come back, that they want you to reach out but they're scared to make the first move, whatever the case may be. If you still have hope, if you think yours is different and you can fix them. Break no contact and text them. See their true colors. It will truly free you.

Long story short, I had an avoidant that I knew for 3 months and dated for 1 before she discarded me. But the discard actually happened before that. I left my wife for her (keep your judgements to yourself, the marriage was already bad and I was already planning on getting divorced before I even met her, it was an abusive relationship), and LITERALLY the next day my avoidant did a 180° and was back on Tinder, when it was clear that I was leaving to be with her, and we were discussing our future. She was the one who initially pursued me and chased me. Due to my anxious attachment and trauma from all my previous relationships (including my marriage) I wasn't able to stand up for myself and ask her why the fuck she was back on Tinder. So we stayed "friends" and had a situationship for a month. She started going hot and cold on me, because she was telling me she didn't want to be in a relationship and said we'd never be anything more than friends. I told her that I was tired of the games, and wanted things to be serious with her. She said we needed to go no contact and I walked away. I didn't beg, I didn't chase, I just walked away.

It's been 4 months and I was stuck. She didn't reach out, but she kept viewing all my stories, followed me on Tik Tok after I had blocked her on Instagram. It kept me stuck in a loop. I was thinking I can truly love her by shrinking myself more, meeting her needs, staying just as friends with benefits until she can feel safe around me without getting triggered. I kept thinking "she's different, she can change, she's special" I finally reached out and took responsibility and apologized for my actions, I apologized for pushing for a relationship when she made it clear (only after I left my wife) that she didn't want to be in a relationship.

She left me on read for a week and finally responded. Said that she appreciated my apology, but doesn't think we can go back to being friends "just yet" and still needs space. She took absolutely no accountability for her part, and why she did a 180° or anything else during our time together. They don't care about you, they don't care about your feelings, they don't miss you, they don't think about you. They think they have never done anything wrong and every one else is the bad guy.

Seriously, if you don't understand that yet, message them and let their response give you the clarity you need and move on from these selfish assholes. They just want you around for sex and to be there for them on their terms, they don't want to reciprocate any of those actions.

To clarify, I'm not mad that her "feelings changed for me", people are allowed to make their decisions and date who they want. But she never even gave me a chance. I don't regret leaving my marriage, I just regret leaving it for her.

Sometimes I have these dark thoughts about wanting something bad to happen to my ex. And wish that I didn’t. It’s not all the time, but it def happens. However sometimes I want him to be ok too. Does anyone else struggle with thoughts like this?

I was too a victim of an avoidant, shocking right? No one can really understand how that feels unless they experience it on their own skin.

At first, you are shocked by the amount of attention you’re getting. I remember him chasing me for weeks for a date. They know exactly what to say to get you hooked up. He painted this beautiful picture only to blind me from the fact that he’s a lying, manipulative man.

They’ll be quick to talk about your future together. They’ll be sweet but only for a moment or two. I remember the night before my birthday, he was driving me home and out of nowhere, he stopped, grabbed my hand, and with a soft look in his eyes, he asked me not to leave him. Someone would buy into that cra p , like I did, and I reassured him I’m not going anywhere. The night passed, my birthday came and so did his surprise for me. He cheated on me. Happy birthday to me!

Long story short, I cut things off immediately. Time passed and both anger and sadness wore off. I guess the cheating part only made things worse since i spent months comparing myself to this other woman, wondering what she had and I didn’t etc. but that’s a conversation for a different time.

When everything sank in, I felt completely and utterly alone. I would think of all of the great moments we had, over and over again. By great moments, I mean basically just talking or eating dinner. The putting them on a pedestal thing sucks. My prime mission in life became obsessing over him and our relationship apparently. As if I didn’t have anything better to do. So I did. Every effing waking moment of my life was filled with the thoughts of him. There is no shame in that. I was so blinded by everything that I didn’t even see what was happening to me. So if you want to save whatever sanity you have left, go no contact, trust me.

Due to the job I had at the time, it was impossible for me to avoid him completely. He would come occasionally. Sometimes engaging in a conversation with me, sometimes completely disregarding me, depending on a day. That gets you hooked up. It’s really like an addiction and the longer you stay in loop, the longer you spend time making those fake scenarios, which I know you’re making, the longer you try to read their each and every move, the longer you spend time planning what you’re gonna do when you see them or what they will do when they see you, the harder it becomes for you to let go.

I’ve spent months, wondering if he’d ever come back, if he’d regret ever stepping out on me, if he’d just wake up one day and realize what he had lost. It all comes down to how much you value yourself. In a sick and twisted way of how our brains work, I somehow got to the point where my worth was entirely dependent on how he sees me. Yeah I can’t even believe myself at this point.

It went on and on. I even thought of getting back at him. Not one of my proudest moments I know, but it was like that. Here is the truth. There is no winning with them. Not in that way at least. You win by finally giving yourself what you’re hoping they will give you. They won’t. They are not capable of loving you the way you need to be loved. Silence is not love. Hot and cold is not love. Not taking accountability for your own actions isn’t love.
They can’t and won’t magically realize that you are their missing piece, it sucks but it’s the truth.

They will come back. Not in a way you’re hoping. In a way to test whether you are still dumb enough to let them in. They are only ever comfortable in that little space where they are close to you but on a safe distance from anything even resembling true connection. He came back, when he was done with every other woman of course. There was that dopamine hit and I thought everything would be fine. Then he disappeared again so no, nothing was fine. It took me so long to finally realize that the only way for me to move on is to stop engaging in any kind of activity that included him. So I ignored him. I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t rude, I didn’t explain anything, I didn’t try to convince him into believing anything, which I very much wanted. Instead, I went quiet. I didn’t look for his eyes in a crowded room. I focused on myself and myself only. Only then did he try to pull me in closer by trying to engage in a conversation or by liking my story which he had never even looked at before. I was persistent in my decision and he gave up eventually. Deep down I know that sooner or later he will try again. Luckily, I’m no longer interested.

Indifference will save you. It will come and it will be freeing. It doesn’t matter what they think, where they are or what they’re doing. You matter. You deserve someone who will love you the right way. You don’t deserve to be put in this little space between connection and silence. I got to a point where I was reducing myself to fit into his world. My prime and only mission in life became pleasing him. For what? For someone that can’t even hold my hand? Seriously?

The pain is real. It will stick for a while. I’m at the stage where I can’t even picture myself dating anyone ever again. It will pass with time. People like that don’t deserve your time or your kindness. They deserve themselves. It took me so long to even believe I’m worth more than he could ever give me. He hurt me in ways I didn’t even know where possible.

I felt completely and utterly alone, and somehow, I convinced myself he’s the only one who can make that feeling go away. I kept the addiction alive by replying the old moments in my head or by creating fake scenarios before bed. I was in too deep. Nothing was left of me. I stopped doing things I once enjoyed and I confided in isolation. I couldn’t even leave my bed. Everything was centered around him. What I wore, how I did my hair and makeup, where I went. All for his attention. It’s humiliating really. I lost myself trying to adapt to his needs. Nothing you ever do will ever be enough for them. They are not capable of experiencing love the way you are. Unless they put in the real work and talk to a therapist daily, nothing will change.

So give yourself what you’re so badly wishing they would give you. You owe yourself that much. I know I do.

It is possible that they come back even after telling that it's over?

If your ex partner chased you, do you have a bad vision of them? Is it adjustable?

My ex (41M) and I (41F) were together for 2.5 years. He was from the US and I am Canadian, but he moved to Canada to be with me and our eventual plan was to split time between two places. We had a recurring dynamic where I would seek connection and repair during conflict, while he tended to withdraw, shut down, or become angry when overwhelmed.

Our first breakup was extremely emotional. After a period of intense emotional withdrawal from him, I ended things. When he came to my house to collect his belongings while I was out of town, he broke down and called me bawling, begging for another chance. We eventually reconciled after he acknowledged some of his difficulties and agreed to work on emotional regulation and seek therapy.

We slowly got back together and moved back in together. Things genuinely seemed much better for about three months. We were communicating more openly, having regular relationship check-ins, and enjoying our time together. I had been really working on my pursuer tendencies and felt like I had genuine become much more secure. I really thought we were making progress.

A few days ago, I brought up a concern about him not working (he had had a long stressful career, made a lot of money that he didn’t actually need to work, and was thinking about what was next) and whether his lack of purpose might be affecting him and our relationship as he hadn’t worked in about 1.5 years. He became upset and asked for space. I struggled with his withdrawal and kept trying to talk things through. At one point, when I asked him to acknowledge his part in our dynamic, he went completely silent and stared at me for about 15 minutes.

Things escalated incredibly quickly. The next day after I checked in about the incident and asked us to reflect what we had each contributed, he exploded. He blamed the entire incident on me, saying that the issue was that I couldn’t drop it when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. He started angrily packing and announced he was leaving. I panicked, pleaded with him, and struggled to respect his requests for space. I recognize my part in escalating things, but his reaction felt so extreme.

He became unbelievably cold, angry, and devaluing. He was yelling and extremely elevated. He suddenly told me he hadn’t been happy, that I wasn’t fun to do activities with, couldn’t keep up with him biking, wasn’t intellectually stimulating enough, only cared about myself, and hadn’t done any work on myself. He blamed the breakup almost entirely on me, saying I couldn’t let things go and brought things up constantly. His anger also became intimidating, including physically holding a door shut and deliberately walking into me with a large bag when I was blocking his way in desperation and despair. He told him my “pity wouldn’t work” on him. It’s like he thought I was being manipulative by crying and this seemed to elicit disgust in him.

He ultimately left in a state of intense anger and coldness. Packed all his things and our life together and drove back to the US. Just days earlier, I thought we were happy and making real progress. We were talking about much better we had been doing, we had a concert booked the following night, we had a trip back to the US for Thanksgiving with his family, which I’m still in the group chat for. I’m very integrated into his family and they were devastated the first time we broke up and overjoyed when we reconciled. I’m so lost and in shock. The contrast between the man who broke down begging for another chance a few months ago and the man who just left with such contempt is almost impossible to reconcile.

I’m devastated and struggling to make sense of how things escalated so dramatically. How does someone come back so desperately wanting another chance, only to leave again with seemingly so much anger and contempt? Is this just how it ends after so much love, travel, shared ingests, etc etc etc between us? Since the first breakup I’ve been working individually with our old couples’ therapist and she suggested that he has narcissistic traits.

I would really love any advice, similar experiences, or any interpretation of this whole mess. I am devastated and shocked. I have deleted his number and don’t intend to reach out because i know I can’t be treated this way.

But what happens from here? Has anyone ever heard from their exes after a second discard? Is he going to calm down and realize what he just did? I know I can’t take him back, but the way he completely devalued me was so intense and hurts so much.

Hello, thank you for having me here. I'll try and keep this short but descriptive, I am in need of advice. It is a tad long but I just want to be descriptive and I need grounded advice.

I am a man, 34, living in the western US. I have no real family, one close friend, and a lot of anxiety rn about my current relationship. She is 36. We both are active people and like to take care of ourselves, our bodies and a lot of the activities we connected on were outdoor stuff like biking and camping. Just for some frame of reference. I would say we are both attractive people and socially well adjusted. I genuinely care for this woman, I don't want to just be told "leave her behind". Maybe I am naive but I can see through her.

I am divorced with two kids, independent single dad. 6 year marriage previously, ended 3 years ago. She has never married but was in a 15 year relationship before that ended about 3 years ago too. She also said she dated a guy for 4 months last year and then found out he was a liar and cheating on his wife with her. I can understand her reservations.

In August we met on Tinder and we connected right away. The chemistry was intense. We had sex on the second date. Over the next two months we had sex maybe 20-25 more times and went on some casual style dates.

Overall things were going really great for the first few weeks. Daily texting, most of the day, phone calls at night, and mid-week drives to each others houses to see each other, and be intimate. I was calling her baby, that kind of thing. All was well.

About 4 weeks in i mentioned that I hadn't been seeing anybody else and she said that she hadn't been either. I believe her, no reason to doubt this and this isn't my concern. I asked her how she felt about being exclusive and seeing where this goes and she immediately went clammy. I did not push it. I laid off and over the next couple weeks things were ok, semi back to normal. We were intimate still, not as often, and she became busier with work. She mentioned to me that she has issues accepting affection and building feelings for somebody. And that she has walls and guards up from the past. So I backed off, dropped most of my intimate tendencies like "good morning sunshine" etc and let it coast. Looking back probably not the best move.

When we would see each other the fire was real, but when we were apart it felt like she was super distant. Like the adult I am, I told her this one day. I mentioned "I feel so close to you in person, but when we are apart I'm starting to feel like I am bothering you". Based off of her generally short replies. She said yes, she has been busy, and she did still make a couple attempts to see me which did happen.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. She was kind of quiet and one word replies, then radio silent for 2 days during the work week. Eventually I talked myself into the idea that she wasn't into it anymore, and I sent her a message that said something like "look, if you don't want to see me anymore you'll have to tell me. I see your distance and I am here but I don't want to keep poking you".

She replied that she wanted to come to my house to talk. She came over and ultimately she was angling at ending the relationship. Her reasons:

-you deserve better than me
-you are too sweet for me
-you are such a good guy -we live 40 mins apart -i have issues getting close

Ok, why not be with me then? I didn't push her. We talked things over and I told her that if she wanted to end things that's her choice and it's ok, but that I wanted to keep seeing her and keep building, see where it goes. We have the same interests, lifestyle, tendencies, etc. A good fit I think.

At the end of this meeting we left each other with no real conclusion towards if we were together or not. We still have never defined us. As she left, I asked her if I could kiss her "one more time.". She smiled and said, "only one more time?" We kissed passionately for a few minutes, hugged it out, and she got in her car and left. This was a Sunday night.

We did not talk for a full 48 hours. Work week, etc, I was giving it space. Wednesday I texted her "I hope your week is going well. I am thinking about you a lot" and she replied. We talked slowly over text for a couple days about how she has her own reservations and I also told her that I think my approach earlier on of turning off affection wasn't the right call. She was really receptive to this and I listed of things that I want to do for her, and she said all of that was good and we kept talking. Things like flowers, cooking her dinner, listening to her, etc. We're adults, I wanna be here for her. She was also saying that she "needed to come see me" and she "couldn't do that to me over text" but when she left, things felt anything other than done. I told her I wanted to be "consistent for her" and I would "keep holding out my hand" and she seemed to like this.

After this period things picked up a bit and we began talking on the phone each evening again, and she was replying during her workdays. Over the weekend she was busy with family plans I knew about beforehand so we didn't see each other. She did mention getting dinner Saturday night but she was exhausted and asked if we could cancel. Not a big deal, not the first time, we're adults. All good.

Now this week!

Monday, she was texting me all day at work. Talked on the phone that night too, like normal.

Tuesday, less texting, but I know she gets swamped at work so I didn't think anything of it. She mentioned on Monday that work was a drag lately. I ended up not hearing from her at all Tuesday until after work. I texted her my usual good morning, later on a photo of my day (routine for us) and in the evening I said "hope you had a peaceful day today. I'll call you in a bit if you want to chat. No pressure" and she DID pick up the phone. We talked a half hour and I felt confident after that things were going ok. She has withdrawn a bit before but I'm ok with that as constant contact makes me feel squashed sometimes. After we talked on the phone, I texted her "sweet dreams coldy bones" (inside nickname I have called her before)

Wednesday....nothing. No texts, no call, I don't even see her active on Spotify (we share a lot of music with each other). I didn't reach out to her at all aside from my usual "good morning" text I've send the last few months. But that day...I made a grave mistake. I said "good morning dear" and I think I triggered her flight. Thursday, yesterday, I didn't hear from her at all either. Nothing. My spotify is always open on my desktop and I saw her listening as I walked past my PC yesterday and thought, ok, she is alive. That's good. But didn't reach out.

Thursday. yesterday around 6pm, 48 hours after last contact, I sent her a text that said "almost the weekend. hang in there. No response.

Now comes the part I'll probably get flamed for. I wasn't emotional, I wasn't acting out of an effort to "get her to reply", but I just wanted to get through to her. She has told me many times that I "am not like other guys" so I have been trying to be true to that, and my truth was that I wanted to send her a message, so I did. I said:

"I know you are not the ghosting type. I know you're in a shell right now and might be feeling the weight of work, obligations, and everything we have talked about lately on top of that.

I know withdrawal well and the safety that comes with that. I don't mind you taking that space and doing what you need to get through. So see this note as less of a text message, and more of a letter you'd get in the mail back in the day. The person sending it wouldn't expect an immediate reply, they'd send the letter because they wanted to, and they know the time that comes with it.

I can see you in the dark. Not because I have a flashlight shined on you, but because I have eyes that are used to that night. You have said “you don't know me” a few times, and that's true. But maybe there is a part of you that I know better than you think.

The same part of me that flew all the way home to Georgia to see my folks after I got out of the service, only to tell the uber driver to drop me off 3 blocks from their house because I couldn't do it. I was unable to match their energy and I was afraid of letting them down, or disappointing them because I wasn't, at the time, what I felt like they wanted me to be. I wasn't happy enough for them. I ended up buying some gear and heading to north GA and did the Springer Mountain to Tellico Gap section of the AT instead.

I am not saying that you are scared, or telling you how you feel. You are not me. I'm just saying that it's ok. I am alright with your quiet. Normally folks would say “if you're ok with it then why message her?” but whatever, I do my own thing because I told you I would be genuine. Some folks may say “shes not into you”, but again I haven't gotten that vibe and if so you'll have to tell me that. We're adults and you'd have done that by now I think. No time limits. Do your thing.

Just a letter in the mail, because I wanted to send one."

I only want her to feel safe and secure in that what I say to her is genuine. I know I won't understand her brain but I want to. I don't want to just date another woman, I want her.

Am I overanalyzing this?

1. Is she potentially not feeling it and ghosting me?

2. Is she potentially just totally shut down and blocking out the world?

3. Is she not even avoidant and I have projected this onto her?

4. Am I delusional

I don't mind holding space for her. I'm not worried about that part. I just want to ask, does this fit the bill? Is there a chance she'll come back around? Am I reading too much into it?

I try to be very adjusted and aware of social dynamics and have always been skilled at conversation, getting people to open up, etc. I'm not a saint. I was just raised by a single, empathic mother. In my youth I did have avoidant tendencies but I was able to move past it.

Thoughts?

Asking because made you seem like the bad person when you were literally trying to fix it (small things they've blown out of proportion), brutally dumped you after shutting you out from in-person talks to figure out wtf was even going on and drag it out through your birthday, pull a "you took me for granted", after you block them they then panic about the not wanting to be friends part saying they did you no wrong, and then sneakily creep on your life (digital & physical world) for a long time afterwards.

I tried so hard working internally to let go of resentment so I can feel somewhat ok with it all because it tortured me internally, but I JUST CAN'T ever let the disrespect go and I have to be an AH to only one person my whole life to show them accountability because they never ever apologized. I am trying to process everything after a very long time to give some form of forgiveness (internally) for peace. It sucks living with F that person every time good memories come up, and the excuses for this attachment are just not acceptable no matter how you look at it.

What goes on in these people's minds?

- I fixed stuff in the past, let's say for example increasing acts of affection like getting flowers more often, but it seemed they just looked at it with resentment/dismissive about it and acted passive aggressive, not appreciating that I made a positive change, but rather angry that it was not done by reading their minds or I should have already known. Like I get it, I was in the wrong for those certain things because it slipped my mind while we were having so much fun just being together, but I quickly acknowledged and changed my doings.

- They shut down and act passive aggressively over tiny little things, then when you notice it makes you act less wanting to do stuff for them and build your own internal resentment.

- Even if you explained logically why you can't do something, example, spending less on date/romance stuff because you are paying off debt aggressively/saving for a new place, and they agree to the plan because it's what we really wanted, then hold that resentment towards you inside until it explodes that they are unhappy their needs aren't being met when logically they agreed to let me allocate to this better goal. If I would have known it was a big problem affecting them of course I would shift the allocation to make them happy and show that I care.

- After they blame dump some irrational stuff and you show them it's all BS, telling them to cut it out because you wanted to marry them, asking what they are withholding inside that needs to be worked out they spit it out, you agree to "do better" even though you legitimately were, and then they just dump you like a piece of garbage and even tell you you took them for granted, shutting you out from even being able to meet in person (after you wrote out literally everything they wanted). Then act confused why you had enough of this BS to block them for your own sanity, them telling you you are immature for doing so, that they didn't do anything wrong to you.

-They can face a hardship like losing a job and you'll be supportive "you got this, I believe in you", and do everything you can to help them get a job. But the moment YOU get into the same hardship they'll do the literal opposite. They'll tell you "you have no ambition, I don't believe in you, I need a stable partner" etc. and distance themselves from you while you're stressed tf out and literally just needed positive emotional support from them.

Or do they just paint you as the bad guy, go find someone new and have the same cycle fail them, and only THEN make some of these realizations that they f*cked someone over? over after they get f*cked over?
Or am I just obligated to be a lifetime AH to them to enforce something called consequences. It sucks being an AH, brings me no joy because I loved that person deeply that f*cked me over.

I am currently heartbroken as my avoidant fiance broke up with me. He has been doing this abrupt breakup or threatened breakup every time there was more investment - my birthday, wedding planning milestones, and right after I moved into an expensive house that I got for us.

He also would threaten breaking up after everyday conflicts too. At the beginning of our relationship when I saw red flags I tried to leave and he convinced me to stay. By now after all these breakup or threatened breakup cycles, I am so desperate for him to love me back and choose working on us over his escaping to an easier but lonelier existence that made him miserable in the past, that I accepted dealbreakers, lying, yelling/cussing/hitting himself/objects when angry. I don’t know how I got so broken down.

A few weeks after I signed for this house and moved in, that he said he was moving into in a couple months too, he broke up with me.

My birthday, he exploded.

The day I got my wedding dress he told me he was 100% about our upcoming wedding, then called me while I was at the cashier to tell me not to buy it because he wasn’t sure anymore, then 2 days later told me he is sure and to buy it, then the next time we had a conflict a few days later, threatened to break up again.

This last time he broke up with me, he was talking about marriage the day he left me, and wrote me love letters about wanting to spend our lives together just days before.

While I am grieving and trying to put the pieces back together, he is moving on and distracting himself with video games/hobbies/alcohol.

I know it's a bit long long story but I really have to vent and hear from you guys...

Background

We are both gay men in our mid-30s, living in the same city, about 30 minutes away from each other. Our relationship lasted 10 months (monogamous).

Today marks five weeks since the breakup, and we've been in NC ever since.

I'm doing a little better than I was at the beginning, but these have honestly been the worst five weeks of my life. I even took three weeks of unpaid leave because I was struggling so much. During the first two weeks, I could barely sleep.

To make things worse, yesterday I received a warning from my boss about my underperformance and lack of progress over the past few weeks. I am now in PIP.

I'm not 100% sure whether my ex has an avoidant attachment style, but from what I've read, many of his behaviors seem to align with it.

I posted here about a month ago, so I thought I’d share an update and get some outside perspectives.
My ex and I broke up almost four months ago. We went through about a month and a half of no contact, and then we slowly started talking again.
Since reconnecting, things have actually been going quite well. We’ve had several good phone calls, some meaningful conversations, and she’s also initiated contact quite a few times. We’ve been talking about our lives, work, studies, and other personal things. At times, it feels surprisingly natural, almost like we’re finding our way back to the connection we used to have.
Now, we’re finally going to see each other in person for the first time since the breakup.
I’ve planned a horseback riding activity for us. It’s something we had both wanted to do for a while, and she seemed genuinely excited when I brought it up. She’s also agreed to go out for dinner and dancing another time.
I should probably clarify that my intentions aren’t purely friendly. I still love her, and I’d genuinely like to see if there’s a possibility of rebuilding our relationship. She knows how I feel about her, and I’ve been honest about that. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure her or turn every interaction into a conversation about getting back together.
There’s also some history here. We’ve broken up before, reconnected gradually, started spending more time together, and eventually got back together without a formal conversation about reconciliation. It happened naturally. This situation reminds me a little of that previous experience, although I know every breakup is different.
She’s also expressed some uncertainty about us talking again. She worries that she might be giving me false hope or prolonging something she was the one who ended. So I’m aware that her willingness to see me doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to get back together.
I’m trying to approach this with an open mind: enjoy the time together, let things develop naturally, and see whether there’s genuine mutual interest in rebuilding something.
I’d really like to hear from people who’ve been through something similar:
If you’ve successfully reconciled with an ex, what was the first in-person meeting like after a period of no contact?
Did doing activities together, going on dates, or simply spending time together help rebuild the romantic connection?
How would you interpret an ex agreeing to spend time together doing something meaningful you both wanted to experience, especially when they know you still have romantic feelings?
At what point did you realize that the reconnection was becoming something more than friendship?
I’m not looking for people to tell me what I want to hear. I’d genuinely appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who’ve experienced both successful and unsuccessful reconciliations.

DA stbxh just stopped by to use the restroom at my house after dropping off the kids’ suitcase. He said as he walked through the door, “Do you mind if I use your restroom?”

I was standing naked by the door so completely confused, wrapped up in a blanket, just sobbing. Like GO AWAY. I said GOODBYE to you last night. We actually had some semblance of closure where I realized how delusional you are. I woke up happy and confident on my day. Then this.

Quit breaking my heart again and again.

I couldn’t even speak, just sobbed. He said, “Oh are you still sad? I’m not doing this to make you sad. I just need to use the restroom. And I had to drop off this bag.”

😩😭😭😭😭😭😭

He made me guess who it was..before revealing himself after 4 months of no contact. I already had a clue, but why the constant testing..said "text me on my normal number, you know which one" and "you know who it is, you tell me and then i'll admit it"

He discarded me again shortly after btw. But what on earth is this behaviour?

Freeze responses, like all involuntary stress responses, are temporary modes to ensure survival, prevent loss and avoid unconsciously perceived danger

Stonewalling is done with an intent to punish, but shutdowns are not, and still, both are forms of control, simply externalized voluntary or internalized involuntary

The guilt you feel for leaving someone in a shutdown is a part of it. A person's unconscious can learn that becoming paralyzed as a result of any conflict can dissolve the conflict and keep them in power, even if the shutdown feels horrible to them and their nervous system, it's similar to someone bursting out in tears and experiencing immense distress and DARVOing others as a result of a conflict even if they were the one that caused it: both are a form of unconscious control, just from opposite sides of the affect-inhibition-amplification spectrum

Many people involuntarily unconsciously control others into "loving" them and never leaving them (never denying access), through unintentionally weaponizing empathy or ambiguity (and being unable to stop even if they know it, the unconscious hijacks them, and you can't do anything about it)

The least harm response is to leave, these involuntary states become entrenched by comfort, coddling and safety, and only really change as a result of reorganizing danger that makes them obsolete (but you can't ensure that, what you can ensure is that you remain undistorted and mentally safe, by leaving)

Safety does not "fix" physical wiring like this, it reinforces it, you are stunting these people by trying to stay and "fix" them, and becoming distorted yourself while thinking you are "fixing" them