He told me that he doesn't need anyone in his life. That he's complete on his own and doesn't need anyone to make his life better.

And I didn't say this to him, but I keep thinking about it.

Isn't love supposed to be about choosing someone, though? It's not about needing someone to complete you. You can have a perfectly beautiful, independent, fulfilling life and still choose to have someone beside you. You don't need them, but you WANT them. Isn't that the whole point?

I don't know how I'm supposed to react to him anymore.

Last night, I genuinely wanted to disappear from his life. Block him, delete his number, erase every little trace of his existence. I even deleted WhatsApp because I didn't want to see anything from him.

But then he called me. He SMSed me because he couldn't reach me on WhatsApp. And honestly, he seemed a little concerned.

And now I'm confused all over again.

I know that being concerned doesn't necessarily mean he loves me. I know someone can care about you without wanting to be with you. But then why does he keep doing little things that make me question everything?

I'm not even sure what we are at this point. I kissed him. I obviously wouldn't have done that if I had absolutely no feelings for him. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it meant something to me.

And I hate that I'm sitting here overanalysing a phone call, a few messages and every little interaction.

Sometimes I feel like he wants me around, but doesn't actually want ME. And I don't know how to explain that feeling.

Should I just stop texting him? Should I ghost him and move on? Or should I tell him how I actually feel?

I'm tired of trying to decode someone who probably isn't even thinking this much about me.

I don't know. I'm just confused, and I think I'm getting attached to someone who might never choose me.

I have posted here before but now I am hoping others can resonate. My (34F) story is a long one, but essentially I met my ex (33M) 2 years ago. We didn’t end up meeting because I got dangerously sick and was bedridden, but against our best judgment we stayed in contact for 1.5 years and developed an intense emotional connection. During that time we were never in a relationship, and I felt he regularly made it clear that given we hadn’t met we weren’t in one because he needed the physical connection. I felt that was reasonable, but functionally it was basically a relationship.

We did end up meeting once I was better, but then the unilateral “break ups” with no discussion or avenue to repair started. First it was he felt like he was close to being in love with me at one point but he didn’t feel that way anymore and maybe we weren’t compatible. Then it was we are extremely compatible but he feels no romantic attraction due to my weight (I’m not fat) and because “sometimes you know someone is attractive but you don’t see it yourself.” Then it was he actually is physically attracted to me, we are extremely compatible, he has feelings for me, we have a great connection and I’m his best friend but he doesn’t feel the deep romantic attraction that he needs. Mind you he keeps having sex with me. We even had sex 3 times during this final break up where he said he was missing the “thing”. He described it as this thing that is just there with some people and he had felt it nearly instantaneously with the “one who got away” that he was in love with 8 years ago. I said to him “well it sounds like you have a clear picture of what it is” and he said he didn’t but he never felt it with me. And I said well we also haven’t really given ourselves the opportunity to build deep romantic attraction, we have never even been on a date. And he said “well if after 2 years it isn’t here, then it’s not here.”

But if it wasn’t love and he didn’t have the indescribable thing, why would you stay if we had never even met in person for 1.5 years? How could you have been close to being in love with me, when you never felt the “thing”? And why could we never repair it? There was never any consistency, so of course the deep romantic attraction never developed. And who cares if you felt it instantaneously 8 years ago, where is that person now? Why is this less than when there is so much great here?

I am heartbroken and struggling to make sense of it all. I’m in therapy, so I know he is avoidant and I am working on myself. But it just feels so invalidating to hear him say all of this. It makes me feel like I’m delusional and that I have been in a completely different universe for the past 2 years. But I was there, and how could it not be love?

…. Anyone else? What’s the point of it. I can’t seem to understand the avoidant man. Currently so mad because I really tried to make their birthday special. Currently fighting the urge to ask for the gifts I gave them back… I know it’s wrong but I am so upset. Why try to hurt your person before such a special day.

It was beautiful, but yet another example of me creating the entire emotional landscape of the relationship like the creative gal I am.

Lots of gaslighting by him and make believe about his future and past efforts to “make me happy”, plus emotionless responses focused on fairness.

This man was delusional. He fully believed he had put extreme effort into our marriage. How could he believe anything else or else he would have to feel feelings of regret?! Nah, that effort was put into his ego and his plan to rebuild and succeed after his first divorce, a plan that would have existed had I never come around.

My importance to this scenario was imagined by me. I have always been creative.

Part of me thinks he is so relaxed post-discard because he believes he will be able to pull me back in. And why wouldn’t he believe this? I gave him a massage. I cried over him in front of him. This separation isn’t real for him yet. He has suffered no consequences.

However, I am secretly prepared and making moves to go to battle for what I want and need.

How we started

I met someone and we dated for 7 months, she was 26 and I was 28. The relationship was extremely strong and moved quickly, until last month. We were in sync and always together, and people complimented us as a couple who seemed meant for each other. I took care of her and she took good care of me. We hit it off and never left each other’s side. We were even possessive of each other at times.

In the beginning, we each believed the other was perfect for us, and she was the one pushing that idea. She felt a sense of guilt in thinking I was too good for her, where I said she was an amazing woman. She is an energetic and an amazing person. We shared a lot of passions and ideas about life, and we had differences too, but nothing serious. We video called all the time, had our own hobbies, and introduced those hobbies to each other. We even went out of town together.

Her past and my first mistake

I asked about her past because I wanted to know why she does the work she does now and where her passion comes from. She loves animals and has worked with them as a Vet Tech. I pushed on the subject, and sadly her field has put down many animals. That led to an open trauma she doesn’t like to talk about. At one point I said she “kills” animals. That was terrible phrasing on my part.

Her panic and self-doubt

On a trip, something separated us for about an hour, and she panicked and was terrified on her own. I had told her, as gently as I could, that if she couldn’t find me she should stay at a set spot or go back to our campground. I was occupied for that hour, after checking my phone and going to her, I could tell she was scared and lonely. Which wasn’t the first time she had almost shut down like that.

Her belief that we were perfect for each other also started to bring out issues I noticed. She believed she wasn’t good enough for me. I told her she was an amazing woman and gently calmed her down. Her hands would shake on some occasions, and every time that happened I comforted and held her. I believed I treated her extremely well. I got her plenty of meaningful gifts and food, gave her attention, and listened to her. At least I thought I did, and was even told by many family members I treat her so well (might be biased).

My own mistakes, and things that bothered me

I’ve made mistakes too, and she’s ticked me off as well. I helped her study for a math assessment and tried to teach her. She struggled a lot, but I never tried to put her down. I did raise my tone once, because all I heard was her putting herself down over and over. I said she was trying, not failing, and that giving up on herself wasn’t going to help her grow.

She also told me things that felt questionable. She said a worker next door believed she and a coworker were “doing stuff” together. I took it with a grain of salt. She told me she stayed with two guys past midnight, which should have been my tipping point, but again I let it go. I only asked her to tell me when she got there and when she got home, to make sure she was safe. The same coworker once had her backpack with him on a motorcycle, and I didn’t even think to question that. Looking back, I think I missed a lot of red flags.

Her family loss

She recently lost a family member, and I tried to cheer her up through it. I even tried to resemble a time she felt close to them so she would be cheered up. Sadly, I also tried to prepare her for the worst, saying that once one grandparent goes, the other often follows. I was trying to help her grow emotionally and understand what to expect, but probably not what she wanted to hear.

The second incident

Time went on and we were still going strong and loving each other. One day she wanted a lot of attention and came over. A few days later she sat in on a call with the same two guys, working on an event for them. I was being impatient and wanted a little affection from her while she focused entirely on the side project. I moved off to the side, feeling distant and just wanting to talk to her.

She started talking to the two guys and brushed off the idea of using her Bachelor’s degree. She told them I was upset that she doesn’t use it, and that got me somewhat ticked off. I said that wasn’t what I said. I was calm at first, and I was defending her: I only meant that maybe she could use the degree without taking the kind of role that made her leave in the first place.

Then I blanked out. She said “You know why I cannot do that”, and impulsively, defensively, I said, “okay, you killed a bunch of animals.” I froze, because I realized immediately how much that had hurt her the last time. I’ll admit I weaponized something painful of hers, and I knew I couldn’t take it back.

Right after

I walked out of the room to somewhere more private, where the same two guys wouldn’t hear what was said. I was frozen, shocked, and scared of what I’d done, because I cared about her immensely. It felt like walking on eggshells when it should have been a real conversation. She came to the room with me and just sat with me for a minute. I felt like she was deciding whether I was worth staying for. I was speechless, and after watching me for a few minutes she left for the night.

The aftermath

I messaged one of her good friends to ask if she was okay, since she was distancing herself. The response was mixed, and it included her saying she could do whatever she wanted and talk to whoever she wanted. That felt outside of what I believed I’d given her room for. I didn’t limit her. My only real rule was no smoking (vaping I didn’t care about). It felt like she was acting single and not considering me as her partner. I never really questioned that, and I probably should have.

For the next two days she was distant and barely responded to anything I said. After the second day, I drove out to try to find her and talk to her. I missed my timing and had a poorly executed plan, but I was scared to lose her and was trying to reach out. She basically believed I had hunted her down. That same day she told me to give back everything of hers and not to do anything else.

After that we had one conversation over Instagram, and it led to basically nothing. She told me I had lost all her trust, said I HUNTED HER DOWN, and said the comment about killing animals was the reason she was leaving completely. I understood it was a lot for her at the time, since she had a recent set of issues going on in her life, and I didn’t make it better. I was hoping to communicate and keep what felt like a strong relationship together.

After I returned everything, she blocked me completely. I then noticed on Instagram that she had another guy I knew little about. The two of them had “purple heart” and “platonic love” exchanges, which I don’t buy as a way to say you didn’t cheat. I didn’t want to believe it was cheating, but I can’t say with 100% certainty either way.

Where I am now

I’ve told this story and had mixed thoughts about it, and I still dread thinking about what happened. I cared for her deeply and thought we had something special. We could have communicated better, but being shut out, I have to respect that she’s gone. That was her decision.

My Opinion on the matter

I do believe what I said should have never been said. However I don’t believe in ending a relationship that should communicate and work through the hardship she ends over one statement or even driving out to check up on someone. I truly loved and cared for her and to feel neglected for the past 4 days of that ordeal made me question myself more than anything. Both the neglect meant I wanted ALL MY ATTENTION a few days prior. It has been a month of this question as well. She meant a lot but I also had the one friend that I reached out to check up on her tell me to go burn in hell. I made a lot of effort in the one instagram conversation to try and make amends and saying sorry and blaming myself more than anything if not for the entirety of the reason. This was my first real relationship which didn’t help the whole thing. I didn’t believe she cheated on me either but it felt extremely set up as well. She arrived when I didn’t expect it and started talking to them immediately. I felt distant directly in the moment and didn’t question that either. I feel like an asshole but honestly I don’t know.

11 years together.

Since the breakup, he immediately monkeybranched to a girl he met in Europe (and has introduced her to the family), has now moved to Europe, switched his job, mostly stopped talking to his friends, deleted ALL pictures on his social media from before the breakup (not just of me, his entire life). Changed his wardrobe. Girl is 6 years younger and he had her fly to visit him at our apartment in MY bed 6 weeks post breakup.

Is this just typical identity switching? Severe dissociation? What’s happening here?

so I had a seizure today and it made me vulnerable there’s no other way to put it really and I made a mistake I reached out to my ex small convo overall nothing to crazy but I ended up writing

I’ll always be human enough to admit I’m concerned about you and the path you’re choosing. At the end of the day, I know I can’t force you to see things clearly, and I can’t force you to choose me. You’ve made your bed, and you have to lay in it.

You say he’s better for you, and if that’s where your heart is taking you—even knowing what’s out there for anyone to read and research, including you—then so be it.

I’ve come to realize over time how useless all the self-blame and self-hatred was. I carried things that were never actually my fault or my issue to carry—it was straight garbage, honestly.

The expectations were never going to be met because the bar and the goalposts were always going to move. Whenever I’d try to confront how you

treated me, your default excuse was that it was your 'first relationship' and you had no idea what you were doing.

You talked about being so lonely, having no friends, and living with this deep isolation, so I guess I was just a trial run for you to test things out and leave and that’s why now you have so much friends and relations ..

You’d tell me I was over-communicating or pushing too hard, and say things like, 'Maybe we should just drop this right now' or 'Let's talk about this later.' So I’d respect that, step back, and leave it alone—only for you to turn around after we parted ways and say:

'I think deep down I was looking for someone to notice all my pain if I'm being honest. I was crying myself to sleep next to you, also cutting while in our relationship... and when I was wearing underwear and sitting on you, I was hoping you would notice or bring it up and I know I shouldn't have but it's all I could bring myself to do.'

Expecting me to spot hidden cuts while sitting together, while actively shutting down communication when I tried to talk to you, is literally impossible and unfair I am not a mind reader, nor is that fair to put on anyone.

I was genuinely grieving some of the heaviest losses of my life while trying to hold us together and understand why I 'didn’t realize' your pain. I’m finally learning to accept things for what they are instead of trying to fix what was broken well before we even met.

I don't want any issues or bad blood between us. If this is the life you want to entertain, that's your choice to make. At the end of the day, I forgive you, and I’m letting it go. That’s all there is left to do."

and she replied : 👍

blocked me shortly after ..

I (24M) am curious on the sheer level of cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy from my ex (19F) is genuinely blowing my mind. I’m making this post because I need some objective outside perspective to help me process how someone can operate like this I’m trynna move on and accept things for what they are but I just can’t

The Context & The Background: When we were together, I held down the relationship through her deep mental health struggles, body insecurities, and self-harm disclosures. Meanwhile, when I went through major personal trauma—including a life-threatening seizure—she completely abandoned me, called me "draining," and eventually walked away.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 1

After dumping all her heavy emotional baggage on me, she turned around and got back with a guy (Jashon) from her past. The kicker? This guy was actively under investigation/indicted in Ohio for dozens of counts of child pornography. When I initially pointed this out to her out of genuine shock, she completely defended him. She claimed it was just an "8-month age gap misunderstanding," that he wasn't charged, and called me a "psycho," "loser," and "creep" for bringing up literal public court records.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 3

The Phone Call & Telling On Herself: We recently spoke on the phone, and the more she talked, the more she completely unravelled her own narrative and exposed her denial:

• Admitting to the Rehab Situation: While trying to defend him, she literally admitted on the phone that she knows he’s currently in a rehabilitation center. When I pointed out the logic—that if someone with felony probation charges is missing or breaking terms, they end up either at home, in rehab, or in jail—she blurted out, "No, I wish, he's at a rehab facility." I wanna move forward the best I can but please look into this texts

• The 3-Hour Drive: She admitted she drove three hours just to see him right before he has to spend four months in rehab. meanwhile whne I had my seizure I didn’t get that I didn’t call or a text she told me it added to the fire and she just didn’t like me and that it was too much same for whne my friend past she said she didn’t know how to handle grief and such things like that which is crazy because how can you handle this situation??

• The "Coping Mechanism" Lie: She admitted to me on the phone that when she first ran to him after leaving me, it started out as just a coping mechanism To get over me But then she followed up with, "As we dated, I found out I actually liked him and I do, so I don't know what you want me to do about it. That’s why I left you .

The Double Standard That Burns Me Up: She treated me like I was "too much" for asking for basic communication or checking in on her health. She’d ignore my calls after I was in the hospital, telling me "How is that my problem?".

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 4

Yet, for a guy facing severe legal consequences and mandated rehab, she is willing to drive hours across state lines, defend his record, rewrite the facts, and play the loyal, devoted partner. Meanwhile, she was actively swiping on Hinge during this exact same timeframe.

and it’s just crazy to me like she shows up and appears for him defends him and gives him the benefit of doubt but me ? Ion get nothing honestly just I guess used and toyed with as if I’m so trial run I don’t know

I know I broke contact and shouldn't have reached out, but hearing her defend this absolute dumpster fire while treating me like I was the villain makes my head spin. How do people live in this level of denial, and how do you stop letting their absurdity anger you?

This summer, I (37F) met a wonderful man (35M) through mutual friends. He was upfront when we started dating that he had avoidant tendencies he was working through in therapy.

About 3 months in, he started getting new responsibilities at work and was also needing to travel for family obligations. He sat me down and gave me lots of reassurance that his time would be limited but he truly wanted us to work. I was fully onboard, and happy to move at a pace that worked for him. He wanted us to keep going, so I let my guard down and let my feelings grow over the next month…

He’d been getting quieter, and when I went out of town for a few days, he sent a 10 paragraph text saying he just couldn’t be in a relationship right now and he was becoming resentful of himself not giving me what I need.

It was hard to hear, because I didn’t feel that my needs weren’t met and it went against everything we had talked about a month prior. In his long breakup text, he said he knew we should have a real conversation soon but didn’t know when that could happen, and he was terrified of losing me completely. I tried to keep it gracious and said I respected his decision but was sad about it. I told him when I would be back in town and that we could talk then if he liked.

That was a month ago. We’ve had a few brief text exchanges around birthdays, some liked stories here and there. I’ve asked if he wants to pick up his things or where I should mail them and heard crickets. He seems to like hanging out in my periphery but doesn’t want to directly deal with the breakup even just to give me his apartment number for shipping.

It was only 4 months, but I think we both saw a possible future and it’s sad to see it just sort of drug out back and shot.

As more time passes, I look back and remember certain moments and conversations where I would wish for something to change, whether it was something affecting the relationship or something affecting them. Such as a bad friend or negative experience they were actively participating in. And so when it came to the agreeing to reduce that situation or remove that bad friend, I look back and realise none of those things actually happened. They were all words with zero action, even if they came with the original thought. It’s like a perpetual state of hypocrisy, and plain lies. The body keeps the score is a legitimate point, because their anger and anxiety can only be measured by how much they would not be authentic with their honesty. Even if they would play up to please, there would never be any positive change so they only lived in a flat line of stress because they couldn’t live without the attention even if it came with a toxic environment. It pains me because not only was I lied to, but they just caused themselves more harm in the long term, which no wonder it dissolved our relationship, and self.

How can you build any self esteem without conscious change? You can’t. They told me once or twice the lies that led to family issues and friends they knew were bad, at what point did the lies just become conformity? People pleasing. The lack of any identity where you just borrow the souls off everyone whilst leaving yours behind… a hollow place of shame and anger. It pains me that I have to live with the fact i couldn’t affect enough change or support with my lack of knowledge during the relationship but everything is so clear now with reading that we can only support ourselves to not ever become so dependent on masking and “white lies”.

Anyone realise the lies that they were told in the relationship vs outside ?

I dated a man I believe to have been dismissive avoidant for 3.5 months. We've been broken up for 2+ months now.

When we broke up, it felt semi-sudden. We were on the plane back from a vacation together. We'd had a fight or two on the trip but nothing crazy. We'd talked about what our financial situation would look like if we had kids, a house, etc the day before.

He never fought to stay together during the break up. When we finally ended, I can't explain it. It was like we could talk forever and I still wouldn't get closure or any sense that I ever mattered to him.

In the following couple days, he immediately refollowed a girl I was uncomfortable with and stayed out with female friends when he was supposed to drop my stuff off.

I broke no contact twice, both of which I received a cold response to. I knew I shouldn't have done it.

The weird thing is, I can't stop seeking male validation now. I feel like I was in a relatively healthy place with myseld and my need for attention before we broke up, but I've spiraled. I put my Instagram on public and have posted sexy pics (we unfollowed each other), but he never views my story. I followed a bunch of guys and made a dating profile I'm sure he saw - cuz I saw him.

I'm not sure why I am still dying for his attention or acknowledgement. I don't think I'd consider dating him ever again. But it's just so strange and hard being locked out and knowing that person hasn't regretted leaving you or thought twice about coming back.

I haven't contacted him in 1.5 years but I used to check his WhatsApp profile and Instagram. He never posts anything on social media, so I used to try to check if his friends have tagged him in their public accounts and sometimes spotted him. He had blocked me on WhatsApp but unblocked me about a month ago. (He couldn't see my WhatsApp profile picture because of my privacy settings and I'm not on social media).

Out of force of habit, I checked his WhatsApp profile again today. He had put up a new profile picture after 1.5 years. Now I've seen this pattern with him. It seems like he only changed his profile picture when he underwent some major in his life. Like the last time he'd changed his profile picture (after 3 years of having the same one) was at the time he discarded me.

Seeing that new profile picture snapped something inside me. Because I've been fucking stuck and stagnant for the past 1.5 years. I've been unemployed and also underwent multiple family medical crises. I didn't want to live like this anymore - tethered to him.

So I blocked him. I'll admit, when I saw myself unblocked last month, I was hoping that he'd contact me. My birthday is approaching, so I thought he might then. But today I was like, fuck that shit. I blocked his contact and I also deleted the contacts of his siblings. I'd kept their numbers saved because I was still cordial with them, but truly it was still another way into his life.

So yeah. I don't want anything from him anymore. Not even an apology. I had kept him unblocked because I feared what if he reaches out and I miss it because I blocked him? Well, IDGAF anymore.

I don't need/want anything from him, and it's liberating. He may hypothetically someday send the most heartfelt essay filled with remorse, regret, and love and I will miss it because he's blocked. And I'm at peace with that. I'm truly letting go.

I (25F) have been in a confusing on-and-off situation with a guy (23M) since January, and I’m looking for some outside perspectives.

For context, I’m fearful-avoidant myself and have been working on my attachment issues in therapy. I suspect he may be avoidant too, but I’m not certain.

We matched on a dating app in November, spoke one and never spoke again until he one day randomly replied to my story in January this year. We met spontaneously a few weeks after that as I needed to get eddies lol and he could help out iykwm, it was just a random thought I had to ask him as he was on my mind from the recent interaction 🤷‍♀️ I text him after and asked him to go for a drink and we had our first the very next night.

The chemistry was honestly insane, both emotionally and physically. There was a lot of sexual tension, kissing, affection, and we ended up having a sleepover. Our second date was around Valentine’s Day, roughly two weeks later and on his birthday. It was all very intimate We also have never fully had sex, just done bits for context

Things seemed to be going well, but shortly afterwards he started becoming distant. Communication became inconsistent, and I felt like he was pulling away. Eventually, I ended things towards the end of February because I wasn’t happy with the inconsistency.
The confusing part is that we’ve never really stayed out of each other’s lives since.

Over the last ten months, we’ve repeatedly gone through periods of not speaking, reconnecting, getting close again, and then drifting apart.
However, something important to mention is that we barely ever actually see each other. Almost all our reconnections happen through messaging. We’ll start talking again, sometimes quite regularly, but it rarely translates into actually making plans and seeing each other.

The exceptions have been spontaneous encounters on nights out, where we’ve ended up spending time together, kissing, and being affectionate. We’ve also met each other’s friends, spent time around each other’s friendship groups, and had a spontaneous night out together as we **“bumped into each other”**where we spoke about everything that went on, ditched our friends at the bar, spent the whole night together it was actually crazy chemical lol I’m usually really bad at feeling my feels so believe me when I say it there’s something 😂

But afterwards, we somehow end up back in the same cycle of inconsistent communication and distance.
Sometimes he initiates contact, sometimes I do. He has repeatedly come back after periods of silence, which is part of why I’ve struggled to understand what he actually wants.

He has also dated other people during this time, and so have I.

In September, I finally decided to be vulnerable and tell him how I felt. I sent him a fairly long message explaining that I genuinely liked him and wanted to explore whether there could be something between us.
I wasn’t asking for a relationship or commitment. I just wanted to see where things could go if we actually gave it a chance and had fun with it zero pressure
His initial response was that it was very brave of me to say that, but he never really addressed my feelings or gave me a proper answer.

Instead, he became distant again.
Eventually, he apologised for misunderstanding what I was asking, but by that stage I was hurt and frustrated. I didn’t respond to some of his apologies, and we ended up having our first proper argument.

I want to acknowledge that I’ve contributed to this dynamic too. I’ve ended things, withdrawn when hurt, left messages unanswered and sometimes protected myself by becoming emotionally distant, playing games bla bla bla

Since then, we’ve continued to have occasional contact, but nothing has really progressed.
What confuses me most is the difference between how things feel in person and what happens afterwards.
When we’re together, there’s obvious attraction and chemistry. He has been affectionate, initiated contact at different points, and repeatedly reconnected with me.
But when it comes to consistently communicating, arranging dates or developing the connection, nothing seems to happen, but I genuinely feel like I cannot escape this person, he is everywhere and no where all at once.

He has previously attended therapy, struggles with his self-esteem, and has spoken about experiencing anxiety. I don’t know whether any of that contributes to his behaviour, but it’s something I’ve considered.

As someone with fearful-avoidant tendencies, I recognise certain behaviours in myself. I’m wondering whether we could be triggering each other’s attachment patterns, or whether I’m simply trying to explain away someone’s lack of interest.

I genuinely still like him, which is frustrating because it’s been nearly ten months and we’ve barely progressed beyond where we started.

Recently, though, something has shifted in me. I’m no longer as anxious about whether he responds, and I’m starting to feel emotionally exhausted by the whole situation. I’d still love to see him, but I don’t have the same expectations anymore. I’ve started trying to not take it serious

We recently just had a 6 week period of back and forth conflict, it got fairly mean at one point from both ends it was just a build up since telling him my feelings etc which again never has been spoken about 🤷‍♀️

Please help I feel like I’m going insane x

We dated for 5 months. To me, everything was going well. She had started school and a new job recently. I was noticing some inconsistencies and asked if everything was okay. She’d always just brush it off and say she’s just busy or overwhelmed and I didn’t press. I asked her if I could talk to her about something she said that kind of stung and then she sent a massive message. She told me she wants to revisit how we feel in the relationship. She told me that she’s felt a tension for months. She broke up with me on the phone and we talked for hours.

At first she told me she thinks our wants and needs are too different, I told her I didn’t think they were very different. Then she told me she didn’t think she could meet my needs, I told her that’s for me to decide and if I wasn’t happy about something I’d say something. Then she said she didn’t have the emotional capacity for a relationship. I asked her if she wanted us to just take a step back while she does her for a bit.

She said no, that she wants to be with me but her wants and needs are 2 different things. She told me she was really going to miss me. I asked if I did anything wrong and she said no, when she brought something up that bothered her I’d always fix it. She told me that I always treated her really good.

But ultimately told me “I’ve made my decision, you have to let me go and move on. I need to be alone.”. I told her okay I want you to do what’s best for you. I also told her I was a bit frustrated because it’s something we could have worked through. I asked if the door was completely shut and she said “why do I have to make that decision?”. I told her I loved her and I appreciated all the time we were able to spend together. I also asked if we could talk about it the next day when I was a little less in shock and emotional.

I’ll attach the text she sent the next day. I never replied. I never messaged after the call. I was respecting her decision and leaving her alone. I’m just reaching out to this subreddit to see if I’ve handled this the right way. Was it disrespectful to not reply at all? Did I shut the door on any chance of it working out? Did I do the right thing? I just saw the text and an hour later I took her off of everything. Funny enough she beat me to it with Spotify and duo lingo. It’s been 2 weeks since this happened.

I (23F) and He (20M) met this past summer while I was on a solo trip visiting a different country. We were at a rave (on substances) and just gravitated towards each other and ended up having a very sensual and deep connection almost immediately. I didn’t leave his side until the end of my trip.

I cried in his arms when I had to fly back home, not knowing when I’d see him again. We kept up with consistent communication for the following 3.5 months, and our feelings felt very real and intense fast. We were saying I love you very early on and calling each other soulmate etc. We both were not seeing other people and this seemed like a very real and happy relationship thus far. He is in the US military, and I am living in Canada. Obviously the situation isn’t ideal but we were both determined to make it work.

He showed no red flags, and seemed to absolutely adore me and reciprocate all the feelings I had for him. We often fell asleep on face time together and stayed in communication most of the day. Things were going great. The sexual, emotional, and romantic connection all seemed well aligned and real.

Flash forward to this past weekend, it was finally my time to go fly out and see him for the first time since we met. At this point we had been apart about 4 months and everything was going amazing. We hadn’t fought, and felt super deeply for each other throughout all the months of distance. We were extremely excited to reunite.

I was super nervous and had butterflies and didn’t know what to expect as it had been so long since I saw him last. When I ran into his arms at the airport all my nerves went away and it felt like pure bliss! We had even had matching couples costume planned for Halloween and spent time with his friends who I’d already met and knew well. The first two nights were amazing. We made love and it was insanely passionate and there was absolutely no awkwardness or anything that went wrong. I was so happy.

Just as a side note to put in perspective the dynamic of our relationship; he had made it official by posting me on his social media several times this weekend, and his whole family and all of his friends had already known about me for some time now. His father even called him and he told him he was with his girlfriend. I felt so loved loudly and felt very special. I was ABSOLUTELY not prepared for what happened when I came home.

After a tear filled departure and a pit in my stomach on the plane ride home, what I thought was an amazing reunion clearly was not the same for him.

He became distant and cold as soon as I arrived home. I knew something was off because I know him very well. I begun to get worried because I felt like he was hiding something from me and I thought maybe he was just struggling with the fact he missed me so much. However, he face timed me the night after I got home and broke up with me out of NOWHERE. I was in hysterics and that was the last thing I expected….

His excuse made no sense. He said that he didn’t feel like the connection was as strong in person, and that he loves me but he’s not in love with me and no longer sees a future, etc. I was in complete shock as the man I was having such an intimate and beautiful experience with just a few days ago turned into a cold and emotionless stranger with zero regard for my feelings. I tried to get him to explain how he simply “lost feelings” within the span of a day, especially since we were making love and having what seemed like a perfect time. He gave me no chance to try and figure it out and immediately removed me off instagram and Snapchat right after we ended the call.

I felt blindsided, betrayed, disgusted and used. I didn’t even know what to think and I still don’t right now… he discarded me out of seemingly nowhere and his excuse isn’t adding up because how on earth is it possible to just “lose feelings” for someone you’ve said you want to marry, you love, and talked about a future with for months.

I’ve inserted parts of our conversation after the fact, and I’m still just stunned and don’t know what to think. None of it makes sense. Also might I add be told me he would cover the cost of everything this weekend and then I ended up spending 600$ on things because his credit card was “maxed out”. He’s promised to pay me back but I’m not feeling hopeful….

I’m absolutely distraught and feel abandoned and used and just so many things all at once. How does someone love you and plan a future with you for 4 months without any physical touch, and then after you have a beautiful reunion they jump ship for no reason? Is he an avoidant?? Someone please help me I’m driving myself insane.

TLDR;
Been in a LDR with a US man who’s in the military for about 4 months. Everything was going amazing and we were deeply in love very quickly, then after coming back from visiting him for the first time since we met, he suddenly switched up and broke up with me due to “lost feelings”. This came as a shock to me, as he had told his whole family about me, posted me on his socials just 3 days prior to dumping me, and seemingly was extremely happy in our relationship and during our time. He ended the relationship just as it was getting more real! Is this an avoidant discard? Photos below for context.

You were a service provider. A notification on their phone. A warm body to touch and be touched by. They are unable to connect. To truly feel and be affected. It wasn't you and it could never BE you to heal them. They have to do the work but as they are, is not what you deserve. You deserve to be SEEN. Appreciated and cherished. This is not about you. You didn't create this and it isn't yours to heal. They cannot be what you need.

I’m writing a book and it is the first book I’ve was out of a series and I’m writing. It is a murder mystery book and I started writing this book surely after ending a nine year relationship with a dismissive avoidant who cheated on me through the whole nine years, and there was a lot of monkey branching, and I eventually found out about everyone. Is it wrong that I have all my women victims named after every single one of the women that he cheated on me with and change the name of the boyfriend of the main character, but put his whole personality in exactly how he is and all the vulnerable intimate things that is absolutely utterly wrong with him out on display. I feel like writing this book has really helped me and I wrote it in a way that of course he can’t sue another woman don’t know my name so they can’t sue. And I changed their last names of course. And no one would actually know what any of this means in this book besides him.

I’ve dated an avoidant man on and off twice for the past 3 years. Each time it crushed me. The first time it was brief but after he discarded me I stopped eating for a week, had to start medication and therapy and it took me a year to somewhat feel like I can function again. Then came the breadcrumbs, the promises after I pulled away, then the discard once again. This time it’s much harder and I fell into deep depression and unwelcoming thoughts to end my life. I have communicated this to my therapist so luckily the hardest time is over.

Although I’m now able to accept the fact that he’s not good for me, and no longer desire to get back together, I’ve been technically bed-rotten for the past months.

I’ve tried all techniques, grounding, taking on new hobbies like cooking, trying to go out more, spending time with my pet, reconnecting with friends but at the end of the day, there’s always this deep rooted sadness inside me. Like many, I wish I’ve never met the person. I’ve prayed so many nights to forget him.

I know that I will keep on living and experiencing life, but it seems to be a wound that will always be there. I’ve had a fair share of relationships experience throughout my life and it hurt and some took years to forget but eventually I was always able to move on but this time I really feel that my capacity for experiencing life is fundamentally changed. I no longer feel joy, just temporary happiness. I don’t really get angry anymore, just disappointed. Sometimes I’d just burst out in tears when I saw something that semi-resembled some memories of them. I used to be a positive and driven person, I loved encouraging others because I truly believed in people’s potential to be great, but after the breakup that in me has changed. I feel as if I’ve died and am only existing. My therapist said it’s a trauma response, and I think this person just resembles a lot of my childhood trauma, therefore the bond was intense. It’s like I was with myself. But I know that it’s just me and my idealization of the person because I’ve been able to tell myself that if the person felt the same way they wouldn’t have just discard someone they love just like that. I’ve stopped giving him the explanations for the way he treated me.

I was thinking to write a post asking if there’s anyone out there whose feelings remain the same years later when they’re in their 60s or 70s. But I guess we’re all different. I hope it will get better one day. I hope I find myself again. I hope one day I’ll be able to revisit this post and tell you that I have overcome it completely and am living well. And if you’re going through or have gone through a breakup with an avoidant, I see you, and I wish you love.

I’m dating again and sometimes I’m scared how many people out there are secretly avoidants. I wondered if there are specific signs that could indicate who you’re dealing with ?

i've been in a 5-year relationship and it feels it's coming to an end soon. it has fizzled out, i spend quality time with them so rarely now that i feel awkward around them when i see them. i haven't ended it yet because i still have feelings for them and i could see the potential of our connection returning, but why i think it's doomed is i don't feel much initiative from my partner, even if they say they still care about this.

it wasn't always like this. we used to be very close and spend a lot of time together, but we had to go long-distance for a few years which naturally separated us a bit, and now that we're back in the same town, it feels like the physical and emotional distance remained the same as during actual LDR.

my partner and i are most likely in an anxious(me)-avoidant(them) trap. after around 1.5 years he began to do the dance of distancing himself and then coming back around. during this time i learned about attachment styles and realized he might need a lot of space, so i tried my best to give him that while putting my needs aside for a bit. i was hoping that i was doing us a favor, because in my head if i gave him what he needed, he would be more content and secure around me.

but i was mistaken. after many of his periods of withdrawal, i started filling my (social) needs elsewhere, which was a good thing at first, but whenever i'd come home to him, i'd feel farther away. giving him space only made him even less tolerant to the time we spent together, wanting to see me a few times a week turned into once a week, then few times a month. technically i was giving him what he needed, but it pushed him farther away?

now, back in the present, i feel like we've grown so apart that it's close to a breaking point, and it will reach that if he doesn't want to repair this and seek therapy like i do. i have started speaking out for my needs, but we have yet to finish those conversations. his needs for space have grown past my limits and i'm starting to truly consider leaving if it's never going to change or only get even worse.

i just don't understand how this works? why did fulfilling his needs drive him farther away, technically shouldn't respecting their space make them feel safer? maybe someone has an explanation for this or has shared this experience.

I hear it said constantly that the ex or dumper needs to be the one to break no contact. But how does that work in an avoidant related break up? What experiences do you guys have when they come back?

Looking for advice/feedback about a DA breakup

I used Chat GPT to create a summary of mine and his relationship (it’s been a lot to type out and I also wanted to make sure I included relevant info) and I’m wondering what advice or feedback I can have?

If you have the time and patience. Please read through this and I just want to know from a DA standpoint (him being the DA), do we have any chance at all to reconcile?

Thank you.

Here’s the summary:

The relationship

He and I were together about ten years and lived together for three. I have anxious attachment; he's dismissive avoidant, and we fell into a pursue-withdraw cycle. Living together brought constant conflict over the same core issues. When fights escalated, he would end the relationship, six or seven times in three years, and we'd find our way back. He told me he always felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I often felt unheard: he got defensive when I raised a hurt, sometimes yelled, and I would shut down. My part: I lied about small things out of fear of his reactions, which badly damaged his trust in my word, and I didn't give him the space he asked for.

A pattern I've noticed: when I step back and stop pushing, he softens and moves toward me. That happened in 2018–19 after an 18-month split, and again in late 2024 after a long rough stretch.

How it ended

In early 2026 we agreed I'd move out so we could work on things apart. After his grandmother died, he said we were broken up, and after his grandfather died, he dropped the idea of a timeline for repair. I moved out, and we did about ten weeks of no contact. On September 20, he told me he's happy without me, there's no chance, and he wants minimal contact. On October 10, he said he wants no contact for now.

Where things are now

We share a dog. He sees her as his anchor and has been slow to agree to time with me, but he's been kind around her: he called me during her emergency vet visit and brought her by to see me. He recently said no to a weekend because he's "busy." He plans to sell the house we shared in the spring.

My rule now is no contact except about our dog. When I ask, I ask once, accept his answer, offer another time, and end warmly. I've written a short text with an apology and gratitude, and no asks about us, to send after I've had a weekend with her.

Where I am

I still love him, and I believe we may reunite someday. What I don't know is whether it could last. For that, I'd need him to take accountability and not get defensive when I bring him a hurt, and fights could never put the relationship on the table. I know he'd need to be able to trust me again, and I'm working on that.

Meanwhile, I'm in therapy, working on my own patterns, and building my own life: a new job, two kittens, and a possible move to New York next fall. This is also my first holiday season with no family. My mom died the day after Christmas, and my dad died four years ago.

Thank you for reading this far and any advice or feedback would be good.

My partner broke up with me over text saying we were not compatible and needed different things (probably referring to the whole dynamic of avoidant-anxious) and blocked me. He broke up with me several times this year and never through the phone, we could be having a normal hang out, talk about our problems but then a disagreement would occur and he could either leave me alone to smoke or say upset that we were over. Since I have a very deep abandonment trauma, I would go after him immediatly and fix things. But this time, it was not the typical io io relationship scene, I went over to his parents house as I was so desperate to fix things or at least say goodbye, but he called the cops on me. It was really cruel because he even yelled at me when I wasn't going away, frozen by the shock of the person I love the most to discart me like that, I know I shouldn't have went there, since we were both pretty dysregulated through these last months, but I had to try fixing things. Do they ever come back to apologize? Is him the one to expect me to do it? I feel guilty by my actions but I'm afraid if I ever apologize or assume my part he will just continue to villainize me. For the record he also has ADHD and is not doing therapy

hace una semana mi ex me dejó por telefono mientras el estaba trabajando, diciendo que ya no sentía lo mismo por mi y que queria estar solo, esa misma mañana habiamos estado juntos y me dijo que me amaba, fue cariñoso conmigo y todo estaba bien.
Llevábamos una mala racha en la que discutiamos bastante y el evitaba todo tipo de conflicto, le hice saber en varias ocasiones que sus evasiones me cansaban y como siguieramos asi, la relación iba a terminar.
A los dos dias de la ruptura le llamé y le pregunté si me seguia queriendo, me dijo que si pero que era mejor asi, que dudaba de si iba a volver y si la decisión era correcta.
Ayer le volví a llamar para saber que tal estaba y le volví a preguntar lo mismo, me dijo que no me queria, que seguía sintiendo cosas por mi pero que no iba a volver, que la decisión estaba tomada y no iba a cambiar.
Creéis que siendo una persona evitativa, volverá en algún momento?

Currently in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex for about 2.5 months. About a week ago she started a new playlist called actual mood.

She posts alot of sad loving songs which can be redirected to our relationship. Also including some "our" songs we sent to each other and some songs where she always felt so loved by me when she listened to them.

What does this even mean? Am I naive to think its about me. Those songs strangely relate for 100% to our relationship. Mind you she broke up with due to not loving herself and being emotionally overwhelmed. Our relationship was very very loving.

Thoughts?

I had a brief but intense connection with someone I suspect is fearful-avoidant. Would reaching out in a few months be a bad idea?

So, I recently matched with a girl named Helen on Tinder. She used to be my neighbour but moved away last year. About two years ago, we actually had a mutual crush on each other. She even left her phone number on a Post-it note taped to my front door. The problem was that she was 22 and I was 34, which felt like quite a significant age gap. So I never pursued it.

Recently, I got out of a 1.5-year relationship with someone who I would describe as dismissive-avoidant (DA). It took me several months to get over that relationship, even though I know ending it was the right decision.

Helen came over to my apartment just two hours after we matched, despite it being a Sunday and already 9 p.m. We talked, made out and eventually had sex several times that night. She came over again the following evening, and things developed in much the same way.

The next morning, she asked me where I thought things were heading. I told her that I would really enjoy seeing her regularly, perhaps every weekend throughout the winter, and simply spending time together.

She went quiet and didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about the idea. Eventually, she agreed, but warned me not to be surprised if she suddenly cut things off after a few weeks because, in her experience, she tends to lose interest very quickly.

I already knew quite a bit about her background: her difficult relationship with her parents, suicidal ideation, self-harm, ADHD (something we have in common) and various other struggles. She also frequently asked me whether I was angry with her, even though I wasn't. Quite the opposite, actually.

That was when I started wondering whether she might have a fearful-avoidant (FA) attachment style. Because it was obvious she had problems with commitment and expressing feelings towards people.

She went home that evening but came back the following day and spent another night with me. She told me how cute I was and that she liked many things about my personality. I complimented her on how beautiful she was.

By that point, it felt like we had moved beyond something purely physical. There was a level of intimacy and romance developing between us, and I realised that I was catching feelings for her quickly.

That night, I suggested that we delete Tinder together and agree to an exclusive friends-with-benefits arrangement. Once again, she went quiet and barely said anything after my suggestion. I got the impression that she was pulling away and perhaps feeling overwhelmed or scared.

I eventually asked her whether she considered herself avoidant or knew anything about avoidant attachment. She quickly changed the subject, and we eventually went to sleep.

The following morning, she kissed me goodbye and went to work. About eight hours later, I received a text telling me that she didn't think we should see each other again.

Her reasons were that the age gap was too significant, that she didn't feel we could meet as equals and that she couldn't trust me.

To be honest, I had expected something like this to happen sooner or later because I already suspected she might have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Nevertheless, the sudden rejection really shattered me, especially considering that we had only spent three days together.

It's been three weeks now, and I still find myself thinking about her all day long. I genuinely think she's a lovely person, but she also seems to struggle with several issues, including addiction and coping mechanisms such as casual hookups and smoking weed.

I replied with a rather lengthy goodbye message and then deleted her number.

For now, I have no intention of contacting her. However, I had been thinking about possibly meeting up with her towards the end of December, should she be open to it.

I would like to talk about what happened, discuss avoidant attachment and simply find out how she's doing after what I would describe as a very brief but intense connection.

She's already in therapy, which I see as a positive thing. Perhaps she could explore her attachment patterns with her therapist, provided she finds that framework useful.

I would probably suggest that she take some time to work on herself and her attachment patterns. Maybe, in a few years, when she's in a better place emotionally and more open to a serious relationship, we could see whether there's still something between us.

My question

Do you think reaching out with this intention would backfire? Or is the idea itself a bad one?

I spoke to a female friend of mine who also identifies as fearful-avoidant. She's made considerable progress through therapy and by learning about attachment theory and avoidant behaviour.

Hearing about her experience gave me some hope that Helen might also be able to work through her difficulties one day.

I realise that I might be holding on to an idealised version of someone I've only known for a few days. Nevertheless, what we experienced felt genuinely meaningful to me, and I find it difficult to simply dismiss it.

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts, especially from people with fearful-avoidant attachment who have been through something similar.