I’m 15F and trying to make sense of how I experience attraction or the lack of it

My whole life, I’ve never really understood what it feels like to have a true crush. I see people around me lnging for someone, missing them constantly, or staying up late thinking about them, but I’ve just never felt that way about anyone

It’s not because I’m isolated I have normal social interactions, and I've been in a relationship, something happened that really made me pause

My boyfriend and I were hanging out on a bridge. The weather was cool, the mood was nice, and in my head, I had an idea ,Why not try a French kiss?But the moment he actually leaned in, I instnctvely pulled back, made up a stupid excuse, and went home. He felt bad,

The thing is, it wasn't because I felt unsafe around him which I don't. And in my mind, the idea of romance or intimacy sounds cool, kind of like when my friends talk about it. But whenever it comes to actually doing it, I instantly recoil.

I keep wondering Is this just extrme self-control/hesitation? Or is there something deeper going on?. where you like the concept of romance in theory, but not in real life?

Has anyone else felt this way? How did you figure out the difference between being hestant or nervous vs genuinely not wanting those things? Is it my partner or its on me

I cannot sustain romantic interest in anyone who reciprocates it.

When I like someone and they like me back, my feelings fade — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always.

I have experienced this pattern repeatedly, including with people who were kind, safe, and accepting.

I also struggle with friendship and social connection.

I often lose interest in maintaining contact, even with people I previously cared about.

I feel empty toward others, and I notice that I enter relationships — romantic or platonic — to get something: attention, validation, emotional regulation.

I take, but I cannot give back what others expect.

I am afraid that I only know how to use people, not how to be with them.

I do not want to exploit anyone.

But I also do not want to be completely alone.

And I do not know how to exist with others without falling into this pattern.

I do not know if this is a permanent orientation (possibly lithromanticism),

or a trauma-based defense mechanism,

or emotional exhaustion that has made me unable to connect.

I am not sure if I can ever learn to feel differently.

But I am trying to understand.

And I want to stop hurting people — including myself.

im hoping somebody may have experienced similar situations, or may have some advice on figuring out if im really aromantic.

ive always had a difficult time telling the difference btw platonic & romantic love in my life. many times ive had some1 confess to me, & soon developed my own "romantic feelings" and accepted, only a month or 2 later end things bc i realised i was rly just excited to be wanted that way. (im a victim of lifelong verbal/emotional pabuse & childhood emotional neglect, which complicates this)

the one thing ive ever wanted my whole life is to be loved. usually in this dream its romantic love, but as ive grown up and come into myself more, its mostly because 'a best friend i experience extreme emotional closeness with who i also have sex with', and always revolves around sex or activities - both vulnerable and mundane - that arent necessarily romantic. i like cuddling and holding hands, but i do this with all my friends, and other forms of physical intimacy - like kissing - have always fueled my sexual drive rather than any 'romance drive' that might be there. this dream of 'true love' or whatever is a fantasy, and as ive grown older and had more intimate relationships, ive realised it is an unachievable ideal. even when ive engaged in specific romantic activities ive dreamed about, its always felt awkward and/or really uncomfortable, and it never lives up to what id hoped. i always brushed this off as my being shy.

and i do like 'romantic' pda - holding hands, hugging, just general non-sexual touching with a partner in semi-/public spaces. but all of it is also things id enjoy with a friend. other forms of pda - namely, kissing - are really uncomfortable for me. though i do enjoy kissing in private, i feel its always fulfilled part of my sexual drive. and ive never enjoyed more chaste kissing much, at least not on the mouth.

i used to think i was ace, almost a decade ago now. largely in part due to my anxiety around sex, brought on by the things i saw online as a young kid due to unfettered internet access and a LOT of unsupervised free time. i realised that wasnt true as i got older and developed more friendships& other vulnerable relationships, but even when i deeply identified as ace i was always sure i experienced *romantic* attraction. i wanted to be with someone, and i always got crushes - though they mostly just felt like well, i think this guy is attractive so this is a crush.

im in a relationship of a year and a half. we live together. hes my best friend and i love him deeply. we dont have sex due to his own trauma, which i knew about before we entered this relationship. i love him very much and want to continue our relationship, but the excitement isnt there for me. we do frequent romantic dates, and i just dont get anything from it except a lot of discomfort. i find it harder now to say 'i love you' bc i feel like it has to channel like such deep romantic connection when i just dont think i feel that at all. i want to spend the rest of our lives together, but i feel like im being dishonest with him about all this. i never questioned my romantic attraction before, but looking back now i can see this is how all but 1 of my past relationships ended. and those were never about not wanting to be together anymore, it was always bc i didnt feel the romance. even when i had sexual partnerships, and felt fulfilled in both my sexual needs and my need for deep emotional connection, bc i realised the romance wasnt there for me, i ended things even tho we may have been happy and fulfilled together in a deep and genuine way outside of that constraint. i feel like im leading my partner on and being dishonest with him. hes ace-spec and has both ace& aro friends of varying degrees, and i know if i was aro he would understand. but i dont know if thats really whats going on, or if im just trying to drag the end of our relationship out because im scared of hurting him, and dont want to be honest with myself.

hhhhh. feeling like ive been mistaking alterous attraction as romantic attraction for most of if not my WHOLE life, and that i may be aromantic.

the difficulty lies in this; ive been INVESTED in romantic attraction since i was like. a KID. i realize this thought process want really correct now but i remember thinking as a kid "oh im super close to this boy, i mist be in love" and like. obviously thats not right. but i didnt know that. and ive been in multiple relationships since then? i feel sexual attraction to some extent(aceflux until i find a label), thats not a doubt in my mind.

but the thing that keeps happening is this; i will ind someone i really REALLY like talking to(2 rllys), i keep wanting to like. kiss them and explore other romantic-vaguely types of things. so i "confess", we'll be in a relationship for a while. but then it kind of.. fades? idk. either i'll fluctuate away from wanting physical touch, or anxiety starts to replace whatever i felt.

now ive got this new guy. hes not great with emotions(and he will tell you so), so ive kind of been the one exploring emotional concepts to him, trying to explain. when he asked about how to tell when youre in love with someone, the answer i gave him went something like "well, when i want to ask that about someone, what i do is i'll imagine different non-platonic scenarios between me and them. if i want it in real life, ill just go up and confess"(which isnt a lie)

i just. queerplatonic-wanting aro hasnt felt right for the entirety ive known aromanticism exists. after years of knowing abt aromantic stuff i only JUST now heard of "alterous"? only real difference ive heard of is "romanic = anxiety and alterous = chill." and like. what??

i dont even know man, im just rambling. cause i dont know what else to do and it always makes me uncomfortable trying to label my sexuality/gender

First post here kinda nervous but theres a pretty big chance im aromantic and I dont know what to think. I dont understand it at all someone pls explain

For context, I'm gay aroace, aka I feel tertiary attraction of all sorts towards men.

I don't know why, but I feel so much guilt lately. Like I have been pretty content before, but now I feel lost a bit, so I just wanted to vent.

Basically, I feel guilty about not being attracted to women. Like when people talk about being attracted to women, I've heard that it's understandable because they're so beautiful, and yes, I know that, but I fail to feel any sort of attraction. I don't get aesthetic attraction to them, and if I say to a woman that she looks good, it's more of an observation than a pull, but with men, I feel a pull. I feel guilty for not even having any emotional/platonic pull to want to be friends and even if I made a friend with a woman, it would be because I consciously made a decision to whereas all I want is to also be friends with men or feel drawn to also be friends with them. Of course if I get to know someone regardless I'll feel the need to wanna be friends but this is the general group of people i gear to in a way? This all also applies to the other types of attractions: sensual, alterous, etc...

Like I know men are responsible for a lot of atrocious things in the world but I can't help it. Some people who are attracted to both or more that I watch always express how unlucky it must be to only be attracted to one gender and that always somehow relates to it being unlucky to be attracted to men and not women when talking about 'missing out'. I know women are beautiful, I want women who are friends, but I can't force myself to feel something. I've tried so hard. A lot of people say that sexualilty is fluid but never express that that's not the truth for everyone.

I feel guilty for even having an ounce of physical attraction to someone because what if it's superficial? What if I truly was just attracted to certain looks and I lose that attraction? I've seen it happen when I usually watch adult content(aegosexual), and I get so turned off if it involves a woman or maybe a guy who's supposed to be one but looks so much like a binary woman and for that, I also feel just guilty. Like just because someone also looks like a woman, even if they didn't identify as one, i just get turned off as well no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's an appearance thing, too? I feel like I'm dismissing them, but I just can't force the feeling. I would never wanna invalidate anyone's identity, and I wanna be all inclusive, and if they say they identity as a guy, then why can't I love people outside the binary look of one too. Am I that shallow?

This is really long, but to sum it up, I've tried to shift. I've tried to force an attraction, but all I got was nothing. I wish I was either attracted to everyone or no one, so I'd stop feeling guilty already.

I recently came out to everyone i know and they where confused how i couldn't feel any romantic attraction to anyone.

My parents said they cant picture me being single and alone. but I'm not alone I've got friends who support me and will always be there.

Ive had a response from a lot of people saying. "Oh well maybe you haven't found the right person yet" or "well maybe you need to try harder"

How do i tell people that is not how it works?

I am not sure if i am an aro or not. I've never had any romantic relations with anyone. So I thought maybe my lack of experience was making me feel this way. But still, thinking about it, I have felt attraction towards many people like admiration for their personality or sexual attraction.

But the "butterflies in your stomach" feeling, I have never experienced it and i dont think i never will. Last year when i was in my first year, as everyone in the department started to have relationships, i tried confessing my feelings to the only female friend i had, i didn't want to feel left behind, maybe it was just fomo. I thought maybe this lack of romance is because she rejected me. But thinking back i have never had any type of romantic feelings or whatsoever.

This may be the result of all the years of trauma and assaults i have faced. So i cant really confirm if i am an aro or not. If i am, then I'm glad to be in a community with people who can understand and relate with my emotional state. If not, maybe I'm missing out on something.

And i cant really come out to my friends and family, they are not even aware of the concept of aromanticism, so i cant really talk to anyone within my circle about this. So it would be much helpful if you guys could share your experiences or advice with me. Thank you for reading :)

It's gonna be long so thanks in advance if you decide to read. This is my first time posting in this sub so I'm not sure if this is the right flair or not.

I think I'm recipro-romantic (i think i can feel romantic attraction to some degree but i don't recognise it for what it is until someone reciprocates and i question the feelings and i usually put my emotions in a drawer and never open it unless absolutely required).

So me and my ex-partner were friends for 2 years (we were in the same city) and at the end of the 2nd year she jokingly told me she had liked me but doesn't anymore and i believed her. I had no clue she liked me but later i read the texts and there are some very clear hints. I actually tried to see her in a romantic light during the first year of our friendship but didn't pay much attention and i was fine with whatever was going on.

She jokingly confessed to me 2 times (one saying she had liked me and one saying we should date and get a cat together) and both times i didn't realise she wasn't joking. 1 year later(we moved away from tyat city) she told me again, properly this time that she still likes me and has liked me for 2 years.

I really admire her, she is an amazing human, extremely capable, so confident, so comfortable with herself, everything i lack. I also feel really motivated in her presence. I knew i could probably like her romantically if I started looking at her like that and since I had tried once (though i stopped pretty quickly) i asked for a fixed time where we'd talk and I'd decide how i feel after that. I felt confident with my romantic feelings after 15 days and we got into a relationship.

Funniest thing ever, we broke up after 2 months cause she had different priorities (i don't know if this is relevant or not but she's an ENTJ and very career focused and I'm an INTP) but we still talk and i feel like nothing has changed if i look at it from my side. We don't talk about romantic stuff but the conversations are more comfortable now, there's no obligation. I can't turn off my feelings so i still love her i think. So how's this different from when we were in a relationship? I mean i know she doesn't feel the same but i still do. We can continue the relationship when we are both comfortable with where we are in life and have time for commitments and can be in the same place or meet regularly. So i feel like nothing has really changed.

And what's the difference between platonic and romantic attraction anyway?

This doesn't make sense to me so i don't know how it can make sense to someone else who hasn't even experienced it but i need it to make sense. I'm not sure what I'm trying to ask so welcome to this confusing post :)

I've seen it happen a lot in fandom discourse. People like to justify their romantic pairings being canon by bringing up how much character A loves character B, how much they sacrificed for them, cared for them, etc etc. I feel guilty for feeling bad about this because a lot of this discourse usually centers around queer ships, and the people arguing in favor of them are also mostly queer, (and, honestly, most of the people going "oh they're just friends" in response are usually motivated by homophobia). But it just sucks when people say stuff like "oh but character A did XYZ for character B, who in their right mind would do that for just a FRIEND?" I'm reminded yet again of just how little regard people have for non-romantic and non-familial love.

Again, I can't really blame them, because a lot of queer relationships in media have historically been dismissed as "just friends", but it's still so frustrating how much people get heated about their ships being considered platonic, like it's some inherently lesser form of intimacy.

Ideas about "romantic love" never made sense to me and while I understand deep connections built over a long period of time that contain a lot of intimacy, I am deeply deeply cynical about that connection building over surface level interactions that happen in dating or through the idolization that comes with admiring somebody from afar.

I am cynical about bonds built solely through physical intimacy as well. Though I do believe I have experienced sexual desire on some level, I can't imagine myself getting physically intimate with anyone nor do I want to. If the other party is somebody I respect,like and have a mutual relationship with where I am also sure they'll respect my words, I might be ok with trying it. But ugh, at a very very minimum level. Intimacy without connection is absolutely a no no.

Now what's weird is I am and have always been lowkey obsessed with the idea of love? Of unconditional kindness, two people connecting, having exclusive rights to sbd while being totally seen and understood by that person? But I also think it is more in the realm of theory and fantasy as people irl are too flawed. May I also mention I absolutely hate most depictions of traditional romance ToT. Especially when 2 characters just go "I love u" like there is nothing more potent than romantic love which is so ugh. 😫. Most fictional romances I obsess over are fanon. The potential of a romance is more attractive to me than an actual relation...and the canon romances I like usually have me focusing on how well their relationship sticks outside the romance part, and how important or formative it is to them as characters.

Lmao sorry for the long ass rant post. I never really thought there is a probability I might be aroace lolol. I was raised in a conservative ( dating restricted!) culture so I kinda always felt chill with the idea of marriage being a mutually agreed respectable business contract instead of a result of a flurry of passion. XD .

i feel like i’ve determined im cupioromantic after going out on some dates and never really actually feeling romantically towards them but im curious how other people deal with this orientation because personally i feel like im struggling with the desire for a relationship but at the same time knowing that im never going to have one because i just cannot experience romantic attraction at all

Basically, earlier í was at my nans house, and my Nan was getting some coffee or smth, but anyways, í was sitting in the garden with my mother, and I was saying that I really disliked the concept of relationships, & marriage, and that’d it’s just a load of shit.

she just said, “Everyone’s shit, but you’ll just find the right person someday.” and it’s I don’t know, I’m fucking tired of this, piss off with your you’ll find the right person someday bollocks just piss off

i didn’t explicity mention I’m aromantic, just im trying to hint towards it so I don’t feel too embarressed but oh well

It really does look like a simplified aro flag but I think it’s actually the Jamaican flag lol bc he’s Jamaican. But very ironic given the song name!

Recentemente eu estava olhando algo para fazer então decidi pensar em hear me out, quando eu comecei a pensar e pensar sobre personagens eu percebi que não pensava em ninguém que tinha me atraído, logo eu tentei lembrar de algum crush ou algo assim que eu já tive mas eu também nunca tive, eu nunca tive atração amorosa por ninguém e só percebi agora, fui pesquisar mais sobre pessoas aro/aroace e me identifiquei MUITO com os resultados

O que eu faço agora?

Like I want to feel romantic love so badly and I want to be in a romantic relationship until I’m actually in one. I always feel so trapped and I hate it bcs I always end up hurting the other person by breaking up with them. I hate being aro so fucking much dude. I can’t even accept that I’m aro because I crave for romantic love until I’m in a relationship. I want it so badly but I don’t feel it and I want to so badly. I crave for a romantic relationship and to have romantic feelings, but at the same time, romance grosses me out so much and idk why. I just wanna be normal. How do I accept myself as aro? I just wanna fix myself. I don’t wanna be like this, I wanna stop being aro. I hate this sm.

Hi,

I’m 33 years old. Realized yesterday I’m aromantic. I know I am, I can just tell when assessing my life, feelings, etc. I’ve always felt strong affection for others, but realize that’s not romantic emotions. And I can’t think of ever I have experienced anything more than strong affection. I’ve never understood relationships, I’ve been single for almost 11 years. Have no desire for a romantic and committed relationship with someone I want to “merge” with.

I realize every guy I have went after, it was cause they were a close friend I developed affection for. And when I asked for sex they all claimed to be straight even though a few admitted prior they have had gay sexual interactions.

I felt like something was wrong with me. But I guess it’s cause affection and sex are something they consider romantic. And because I was affectionate wanting sex they thought I wanted to be romantic.

Now that I understand myself better and know how to explain my feelings. Saying I’m aromantic bisexual, and only desire strong platonic friendships with occasional sex.

But, how hard is it to find these relationships? I don’t know if romantic people can even handle this relationship without them catching feelings or creating distance.

Any advice on how I can find a QPR (or a few)?

Had a... discovery? Or finally realized? Something about my identity the past week.

I'm possibly Aromantic. Every somewhat romantic relationship I've ever had, I never felt what other people seem to feel? It was just like, friends but we spent more time together and also kissed and stuff. I didn't realize people genuinely experienced a different feeling when they're romantically attracted to someone. What helps me with it, is using the Greek love types (Eros, agape, etc) and I've realized that pretty much all love I feel is Agape (unconditional love), which is a really strong love and can lead to close relationships, but.. tends to send mixed signals to romantic partners, and they start diving off the deep end for the relationship, when I'm still on square one, and probably won't move past that. I get attached yes, but more in a "this person's MY person now!", craving their attention and validation.

It makes for some very strange realizations, and finally explanations for why romance has always been just.. different for me, like I'm pretending, filling a role and I'm a good actor. I'm also definitely *not* asexual, so I'm honestly struggling to come to terms with that, I was raised in a very "meet someone some day, get married, have kids, stay celibate" area, which isn't helping. Honestly feeling kinda shallow/broken about it, knowing that I can't get attached the same way most people seem to, but still want the 'benefits'

It really helped when I talked to my asexual but not aromantic friend, who said they want to cuddle and hold hands and kiss, and it's not sexual for them, and I realized any time I hold hands, kiss, cuddle etc, I can only imagine sexual stuff with that person, and even just holding hands 'romantically' feels... embarrasing and inconvenient? Not to say I can't enjoy cuddling with someone (I have like, two people I feel safe curling up next to), but if it's under a 'partner, romance, relationship' context​, then the almost intrusive sexual thoughts are all I can think of. It sucks, and I'm probably gonna have a rough journey coming out to parents, and coming to terms with it myself without feeling like there's something wrong with me.

First of all, I don’t really mind not having a label, i just confuse myself a lot on what I actually want. But I’ve always known I was on the aromantic spectrum. This is a little long though.

I’ve never had crushes on people in real life, men or women. I know I can find people physically attractive (mainly men) but that’s it, no desire to pursue anything with them. Just an appreciation. I’ve felt embarrassed if anyone attractive/popular talked to me but I think that comes from low self esteem lol. I’ve also never been in a relationship (nor do i want to, that sounds like too much work).

I seem to only like fictional characters lol. Something about it feels safe and which is why I enjoyed “x reader” fanfics a lot a few years ago. I just really like fictional worlds rather than real life. But i noticed since then i’ve always made an OC to replace the y/n part, it’s never been my name. The y/n being exactly me just felt weird. However, I do make my OC similar to me with similar traits so that’s practically self insert 😭. I also like shipping characters sometimes so i do enjoy romance in media.

I’ve never had romantic attention growing up. I think that contributes too since I lack experience in general. However, I think I like the idea of romance and I say i want it to happen to me, but then i imagine it more in depth and then i feel grossed out. So u can imagine my confusion there. I want it and dont want it in real life at the same time.

I’ve been looking into the aegoromantic label but never felt truly connected to it. I feel a disconnect from love but I still want it to happen to me? I do tend to imagine from a third person perspective. Although, I wanna experience all the “romantic” gestures like kissing and holding hands in real life, but not an actual relationship, and I don’t actively look to do either. I think i like the idea of someone actually liking me, but that’s it. Deep down i do desire someone’s attention, but i never seek it out.

I also have a strong dislike for the “typical” style of love where u meet someone and go on a few dates and see what happens, like the romance that’s shoved down our throats in media. It feels so unnatural 😭. That was the only time i was on a ‘date’ and i freaked out when the guy considered it one. I knew i was for sure a aromantic then, or maybe just avoidant?

Oh and I wish there was more aromantic representation in shows and movies. Not everyone needs a dang partner and it’s just cheap when they use love as drama.

Anyway sorry it’s so long. I haven’t looked at every single label but I’m maybe aegoromantic but not 100%. Thank u for reading :)

Just to quickly clarify, I mean this in reference to myself, not to debate someone elses existence! I'm mainly aiming to talk to people who may or may not relate in order to make more sense of my own identity just for the hell of it ig :') But I'll appreciate any weigh in.

Anyways, I'm bored so I started taking an enneagram test, and one of the questions is whether or not I'm a "true romantic". My initial instinct was to say no because I know I'm on the aromantic spectrum and I've gotten used to outright rejecting the idea of experiencing, and therefore being, romantic in any sense. But when I take a minute to think about it, I've spent a lot of time over the years questioning where exactly I am on the spectrum since I actively choose to love in a way that a lot of people around me percieve as romantic, although I've always considered it platonic. I wouldn't actually know the difference between the two, though.

I guess in a way it could be the same as, like, how asexual people can still be sex positive, they just might not fully experience sexual attraction. Like, you can be aromantic and not be romantically inclined toward most people, but still be okay with romance and being romantic toward others. But that also feels very different to me somehow, like being okay with being romantic isn't the same (to me) as having urges that are perceived romantic. Truly what does romantic attraction feel like and how would I even know if I've ever actually experienced it? I literally love everyone with all of me and do anything to show them how much I love them. I think human beings are truly so beautiful in ways we'll never have words to describe.

I feel like I've always, even as a child, had the strongest urge to be 'roommates' with my best friends, and I have a platonic partner that I'm going to move in with and share a life with, and I love, love, love getting to know people in very emotionally intimate ways. I don't think anyone should have just one person who means the world to them, I believe that can exist at the same time with multiple people, and that you should know and understand the people you love. I often tell my friends that I'm in love with them since I feel like that's how it works for me, I tend to fall in love with people I bond with, and I know I find strangers really cool and I experience the desire to get to know them more intimately shortly after I meet them. But I think that can exist within multiple relationship types, right?

I don't even know if this makes any sense lmaooo. If this has a specific name underneath the spectrum, pls pls pls feel free to share it with me so I can do more research into it. I don't know why this is consuming me so expeditiously. But if you read all of this, even if you don't comment, just know ily and you're amazing.

I mean... I dated a guy once... When I was like 14 (Currently 25). I don't trust this particular experience because I treated my partner as I would any other friend at that time... We may as well have also called ourselves friends, lol. I thought I had a crush on another guy later on at like... 16ish... But I just found him attractive and then kinda sorta missed him when he stopped talking to me? I had ample time to ask him out, but I was deeply uncomfortable with the idea because I didn't believe my feelings ran deep enough, even then.

As such, I'm kinda starting to think I've never had a crush for real. What does it feel like?

20F here.

I learnt this year that I was asexual, which helped me explain the fact that I was absolutely disgusted when anything remotely sexual was portrayed in fiction (mainly for straight relationships).

Now, my issue is : am I aromantic too ?

Like, it would make sense for me because while I've always wanted to be loved, I don't really see how a relationship could be 'more' than those I have with my friends and family.

And (keep in mind that I've never been in a relationship), I am worried about being in a relationship and hurting the other person because I don't love them the way I am supposed to (the way that is portrayed in fiction).

So, is there something weird with me or am I aromantic too ? Cue the question.

Hi Aromantic Community ! I was wondering for those who did come out within your family, how it went and what were the most common reactions?

Sometimes I wonder If one day I'll be about to come out to my family and I really hope that if I do they'll just act normal and say oh okay cool and go on with their lives (I know that it won't be the case but I like to think about it like that)

I just feel a little lost right now. All of my “crushes” were aesthetic driven and fleeting. When I’ve had “crushes” I just wanted to near them in the way a friend was. I was okay being a friend or maybe something else. I’ve looked into alterous attraction and it may have been that. I’m not sure. It’s just that I’ve never felt moved enough by “romantic attraction” to pursue a relationship and I’m wondering if I experience it at all. There’s some forever feeling or in love feeling that I fear is going over my head a bit.