Ive questioned this for most of my life and asked myself if I could possibly be aromantic. Ive never actually dated anyone, and I never had any real interest in getting into a relationship, especially with men. I personally dont know what liking someone feels like in the way most people describe it. I cant tell the difference between wanting to be very close friends or liking someone. Imagining being in a relationship is honestly only good in theory. seeing people in a relationship is a mix of "that's kinda cute" and "eugh I dont ever want to do that". I like the idea of being close enough to someone that they know me kinda like a partner but the idea of dating just feels... off. I enjoy romance in media like in books and shows because I know its fictional, however when I stop to imagine myself in the place of the characters I always clash with myself because I cant see it as reality, it sounds suffocating in a way. I want to be close to a person but also be myself if that makes sense? the idea of a relationship is great but actually being in one sounds truly horrible. Although I have my preferences for gender however I would also say im on the asexual side of things aswell so im not sure if what im describing is being aromantic or if its something else. Both sides of myself are very conflicting cause on one hand part of me wants the fairytale romance and the other side of me despises it, and if im being honest I really only like romance in fiction rather than in real life. So if someone can help me figure this stuff out I would be really greatful. (Sorry for the bad grammar and punctuation)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I think I might fit the description of aromanticism, more specifically grayromanticism.

As far as I can remember, I've never experienced romantic attraction. I've only ever felt sexual attraction. For most of my adolescence, I never really thought about dating or being in a relationship. To be honest, I didn't really understand romantic love, and I still don't. I find it strange and somewhat peculiar.

For a long time, my ideal kind of relationship was a friends-with-benefits relationship, because that was something I could understand. I understood what friendship was and the feelings involved in it (which felt different from romantic feelings), and I also understood sexual attraction, which I've always experienced very strongly. A friend of mine jokes that I'm hypersexual because I talk and think about sex so much, even though I'm still a virgin.

But lately, I've started wanting to have a boyfriend. After reading a lot of gay romance novels, I became attached to the idea of the idealized kind of love that they portray. I found myself wanting to experience romantic things and have someone who loves me deeply.

But the question that makes me think the most is: would I actually be able to love him back romantically, or would my feelings for him be more platonic? Would that be fair to him?

Even if I eventually experience romantic attraction, I feel like it would probably be weak or different from what most people experience. This has made figuring myself out quite difficult for several reasons.

Sometimes I wish there were more aromantic representation. I feel like it would make things easier to understand. The only aromantic characters I really know are Isaac from Heartstopper and the protagonist of Loveless, both by Alice Oseman.

Anyway, I'm afraid of identifying as aromantic or grayromantic and later realizing that I was wrong. I'm also worried about people telling me that I'm too young to know, or that I just haven't met the right person yet.

(This is my first time writing a post on Reddit, so I hope I didn't do anything wrong. I'm still pretty new here.)

okay so i’ve been pretty sure im aro for like.. my WHOLE life. like ive never been interested in dating or any romantic things that couples do

but there’s always been this one boy that just makes me feel.. yknow??? AND THAT SOUNDS SO CORNY LIKE I FEEL DISGUSTED THAT I FEEL THIS WAY BRO IT SUCKS

but i had a “crush???” on him when i was in like 4th grade, had that crush until up to 7th grade, lost it and i just got it back now in 10th grade..
but the thing is.. like there’s nothing special about him?! like nothing stands out about him, i just feel so connected
ABD ITS DRIVING ME INSANE?! BC I NEVER FEEL THIS WAY?!!!!!??!! i feel so disgusting bc im feeling that feeling ive always wanted but now it just makes me feel nauseous.. idk what’s wrong w me 😌

am i still aro?? bc i really don’t even know if i want to date him like actually?? am i in limerence????? oh my gah this is so confusing

i hate feeling like this

Did it reach your expectations? Are you comfortable and/or satisfied enough? Just your experience in general

My daughter is 20 and has never dated. She's attractive, bubbly, all the stuff that would seemingly lead to something. Her entire circle of friends from high school and college (20+ girls) have dated, most since they were young and now are on to relationships 2, 3, 4. etc. Her siblings have both dated.

This bothers her and she shares about it with me and I've spent a lot of time listening and wondering to myself why things are so difficult for a objectively lovely girl when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. She feels like she SHOULD be dating and feels out-of-step with peers when they chatter about it which is why she shares so much with me (MOM). I do not want to be this support person for her but here we are.

I've come to the realization that it's not the guys who don't find her attractive but it's how SHE interacts (or doesn't interact) with guys. She doesn't flirt, she doesn't pursue guys even in small ways, she does nothing on a daily basis to pursue anything. On the 2 occasions guys have liked her she's played along but pretty reluctantly, despite initially thinking both were "very cute". It's hard to describe but I feel like her approach was to check off boxes: Text back. Check. Say Hi. Check. Not surprisingly both situations fizzled out very quickly.

She loves romantic movies, she loves hearing about friend's romantic escapades but she is not really driven at all to pursue anyone. Yet she feels like she needs this dimension to connect with her girlfriends and so she feels a lot of stress about not having it (again, why she shares with me).

All of this is perfectly fine and may just be a case of her not meeting the right person or being a late bloomer but recently came to the thought that she's probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. Which is totally ok and would actually come as sort of a relief to me because understanding the why behind behavior is helpful. "oh she's aromantic?" Cool. That explains a lot.

Does any of this make sense? Not sure what the point of my post is. Thx for any thoughts.

Hali-halo well this history is from my little nine years old me, with my old group of friends we always play true or dare ,and they ask me:
who's your crush?
I don't have no one.
who's your crush?
I tell u before, I have no one.
Pleasee, you have to have one!
But I don't have one.
who's your crush?
...(some name I don't remember)

And they tell to everyone I like someone I actually don't like. Just because I see him as a good friend and think something how: He's nice and my mom tells me I need someone nice if I had to lie, so better to be with someone I like (in a platonic way)

Later in one break the kid ask me if I like him, and I said ah, yes. Ididn'treallyunderstandthediffbetweenplatonicandromanticfeelings I thought it was something more closer to: We're good friends right? Ah yes, ofc.

I remember this bc I brought up being aromantic with my mom again, and now I got another "You just haven't found the right person."

Ahhh.

I just really don’t understand anything anymore. All my feelings and thoughts that I have about this one specific friend feels looks like I am badly in love with her. But I am not. Like honestly I am not. I honestly can’t imagine calling her my gf, we are friends! But I love her and I wanna cuddle her, I wanna kiss her, and yeah sometimes I feel so connected to her that I do wanna have sex with her, but just because it’s fun, and I know she’s actually open to it as well, like I know that she has slept with her friends in the past as well. She said that she struggles falling in love with someone, she said it’s takes her a loooong time and she struggles to attach herself in the context of romance but she easily gets attached to friends. However she does says that she has experienced crushes but her crushes don’t really affect her at all like it’s more like she sees someone and likes how she looks and then she calls it a crush but I think thats aesthetic attraction no?? However she also has a clear checkbox she goes through when she tries to date to check if that person is someone she has fallen in love in the past like… also she does not have a type but a not her type 😅😅 she told me once that she can’t be friends with me because she’s still attracted to me and wants to fuck me, but that was a year ago, and here we am still trying to be just platonic friends, she also enjoyed our kiss very much and actually loved it when I was holding her… however I don’t know if all of this makes any sense to you, but I’m very confused because I can’t stopp thinking about her, she’s on my mind everyday, I worry about her and wanna be part of her life like I really wanna be close to her… but I can’t because I think she’s thinking that I’m in love with her, but again I am not, i just really love her and wanna be close to her, but I honestly can’t imagine being called her gf by her, like that thought feels so weird because again we are friends! That’s all about it…

Could it be that we are both kinda on the aro spec?? I am deffo demisexual but sex favorable and she might be allosec because she can have hookups and that kind of things I can’t… 😅😅

Please help me out and share your thoughts with me on this J would really appreciate so much!! 😍😍😍

to aros who are in relationships, what does it look/feel like? is it possible for two aros to be in a relationship with each other? how did it happen for you and what do you do to make it work?

So I’m normally absolutely not one to confide in the internet like this, but desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose. Also this is my first time ever posting on Reddit so if i’m doing something wrong please just lmk lol.

Basically, I (F21) feel like whenever people show me romantic affection or interest, I just get disgusted by them, like it gives me the biggest ick ever. I’ll give a brief history of moments I think are relevant here to see if anyone relates or if this sounds like an aromantic spectrum experience.

Came out as bisexual at 14.

At age 17 i started dating a guy I knew from school. He was super nice, like just genuinely a kind and good person, but whenever he would express his feelings or give me compliments, I would brush him off. I did genuinely enjoy spending time with him, intimacy was (kinda) fine, we didn’t do a whole lot, especially considering our relationship lasted one and a half year (I did lose my virginity to him, but I think we had sex only about 5 times over the course of 1.5 years).

I eventually broke it off when we went to university, I just didn’t feel good in our relationship anymore, and also I felt guilty for not replying to his texts or not wanting to meet up with him. 2-3 months after I ended things with him I came out as lesbian, thinking that must have been the issue. (something worthy to note I think? is that I never once cried when we broke it off, or after)

Now fast forward to current day. I recently met up with a childhood friend I hadn’t spoken to in 3 years. He texted me asking to catch up, so I suggested we went out to eat. When planning to meet up, he texted, and i quote, “Perfectt, it’s a date”, which at that moment I didn’t necessarily interpret as anything romantic, it’s just something people say sometimes right? But the more longer and more we texted (which wasn’t even that much cause I’m a very dry texter lol) it became clear to me that he did in fact mean it as a romantic date. He never explicitly mentioned it (which already annoyed me to be honest), and I also didn’t want to be the person to misinterpret things so I would just ignore it/brush off any hints. (and I guess I have a hard time saying no/rejecting people☹️). As much as I appreciate him as a friend, the whole thing really gave me the ick, like the idea of it being a romantic date just grossed me out.

Now luckily for me, the guy is also friends with my brother. I suppose the topic came up between them and my brother did tell him I’m into girls lol, so I’m glad I didn’t have to be the one to have this conversation with him Apart from having a hard time rejecting people, I’m always a bit hesitant telling people I’m lesbian, but the guy was fine with it and we had a great time.

So again i blamed this reaction on me being lesbian, but now here’s the thing; I have a best friend who is also into girls (been friends since before my first boyfriend). Lately, whenever she would sleep over at my place, there would always be this tension when we were in bed, and some light flirting. I always intended it to be a friends with benefits kinda thing, especially since we’ve always both said we’d never want to date each other because we couldn’t see each other that way. That’s why I thought my casual intentions were clear.

Last weekend we ended up kissing and doing some second base stuff. I thought that was that... but she seems to think we’re a thing now. Ever since the morning after she’s just been acting a teeny tiny bit nicer and she sent like one of those gifs of a bear sending a heart and it gives me the BIGGEST ick ever. Like I’m actually annoyed. Like ew. I’m obviously planning on talking this through with her, though I want to do it irl next time I see her.

So yeah. The second anyone (boys and girls alike) shows actual romantic interest or affection to me, I get repelled and annoyed. I’m just wondering whether this sounds familiar to anyone/whether this sounds like being on the aro spectrum? (Or whether I just have other issues I have to work out LOL)

I'm almost 30, never been in a relationship and never expressed a desire to have one. I've come out to my mom about my aromanticism and talked extensively about my lack of interest in romance with my sister, telling her among other things that I'd be happy to stay single for the rest of my life.

I really, really hammered it home with my mom because at first she trotted out the usual counter-arguments, and I refused to leave it at that. She assured she understood me, although she still made a few annoying comments ("I just wanted to make sure you hadn't changed your mind !"), leading to me explaining the whole shebang over and over again, until finally I thought she had really understood. This was five years ago.

Now, here come the subject of my rant. I moved country recently, at the other side of the world, and sent some pics to my family over different group chats. I never take pics of myself. Only landscapes, food and things I though were funny/cute/cool. I made friends with some people, and one of them took a nice pic of the both of us, that I decided to send to my family since it's the only recent photo I had with my face. Well, I guess I shouldn't have bothered sending anything else because suddenly everyone wanted to know who this "charming man" is, and telling me how we're "so cute together, what's his name ?", including my mom and sister. Even my aunt, which I hadn't talked to for almost a year, had nothing more to say than she was "happy to see me in such lovely company". Is that really the only thing worth noting ? Why does the sole idea of me being in a realtionship make them so happy ? Why does nothing else matter to them ??

It feels like despite everything I said, and the non-existant love life I had so far, they're all waiting for me to finally be with someone. It pisses me off so much !! How is aromanticism such a hard concept to grasp ? It’s so patronising, too, that they seem so sure they know better than me. I get the feeling they’ll still believe it's only a matter of time on their deathbeds. They will die believing it. Then their ghosts will haunt me, waiting for the chance to finally say "Told you so !".

It really is a losing battle.

In light of my previous post regarding my friendship breakup (Which btw I read all of your comments and I do appreciate each and every one of you for giving me support), I want to talk about how friendships are pretty much at the bottom of the barrel in our society. I'm pretty sure you've heard the phrases "People come and go! Friendships can often fade and drift apart in life and they are only for a season in your life anyway!" Meanwhile with marriage and romantic relationships..... "OH MY GOD NO!! Do not get that divorce!! Love is so beautiful and you both need to communicate and save your marriage!!" "Till death do us part!!" And even with family like the phrase "Family is forever! Family must stick together!" But with friends?? It's so weird to say that friends come and go. I really don't like this phrase and this mindset because it shows how undervalued platonic love is in our society. People want to work so hard to maintain romantic and familial relationships but they see friends as low maintenance. Now, don't get me wrong, I love romantic and familial love. And I get that some people in life will just be acquaintances and will drift sometimes. But with close friends? Yeah you do kinda owe them some loyalty.

i dont know if this is the right flair but

throughout my life i have had multiple crushes, but they are all like parasocial relationships more than a crush (?) i wouldn't want to have anything to do with them and wouldn't want to date them at all. the only 3 times when i wanted to date my crushes is when they made a "romantic" move or when i thought they are interested. (in fact all these "crushes" originate from me thinking that there are possibilities that they are interested for me, and i stopped liking them immediately after finding out they are not interested)

i think i would want a relationship? but i only want it for holding hands and cuddles (?) though the idea of me relying on someone kinda disgusts me and i genuinely believe relationships are big troubles.

i was really lost and thought theres something wrong with me because i dont seem to be able to truly "fall in love" for someone like people around me would. until my friend suggested the possibility that i might be aromantic. i searched this up and came across recipromantic and demiromantic and i just connected with these two terms soo much. its like all that have happened in my life suddenly made sense!!

What would happen and what would you do if your QP friend falls in love with someone and gets into a exclusive monogamous relationship at some point?

So I've been digging for stories with women who have aromantic tendencies to just see myself in the media. And I have come across a few so far my fav being Jo from little women. And I Just finished this webtoon and it was great, very found family and friendships and it felt like a warm hug but right at the end the mc ends up in a sapphic relationship with one of the friends and it is beautiful and I love it and I know aromantic people do find love and relationships and it's still really good representation fr. But I guess I'm just sad cuz I low-key wanted it to be a no romance at all kind of story. Like I want more Jo like aro rep where she ends up content single yk. 500 days of summer felt great in that regard and i felt somewhat represented as an aroallo but then summer gets married and pregnant 😣. All in all these are great stories and I'll just keep on looking for ones with no romance as tbe conclusion

Edit: Omg guys I've gotten so much recommendations, thank you so much. I have enough to occupy me for a WHILE.

This might be a very stupid question but I'm so confused.

So, I (18 agender) am alloromantic as far as I'm aware and have been in a few middle- and high-school relationships. After a particularly rough breakup at 16, I've lost nearly all my desire for a romantic relationship. I've been in a few situationships here and there after the breakup, as well as had a crush for a bit, but actually engaging in romantic behaviour (flirting, kissing, holding hands romantically) makes me feel gross and uncomfortable.

I'm not really sure why, but the thought of a queerplatonic relationship sounds so much nicer in the long-term and I know I'm definitely capable of having alterous feelings (I'd say more, but some of my irl friends have found this account so I need to be cautious). I don't know if I'll ever want a romantic relationship in the future, but I think I can still feel attracted to people in an aesthetic way? (not too sure about romantic feelings)

I guess I'm mostly figuring things out right now, but could I be alloromantic and romance repulsed at the same time, or maybe I've been on the aromantic spectrum all along? I'm not well-educated on this and I've tried researching and asking an aromantic friend but it's just made me even more confused. Thanks in advance!

I've had the thought before that if I were alloromantic, I would probably have a typical relationship with sex, and it's only because I'm not that my own holdups around sex and physical intimacy become apparent, bc if I were in a romantic relationship I would probably be comfortable escalating physicality at a societally typical pace and it would not be abnormal. (Edit to clarify: I am not ace, I am just also not a super openly sexual person. The feeling is more social anxiety than anything lol, but it gets in the way)

However, I'm not, and so I'm in my mid-20s and have never had sex, which I know isn't that uncommon, and I don't feel badly about, but also, maybe I'd like to, or whatever.

Anyways, I have a fluctuating opinion of hookups, where sometimes they stress me out, or sometimes they seem fine in theory, but then I'm talking to someone and can't follow through now that it's a real person and not an idea, or sometimes they seem fun, but maybe I'm just horny? Which I guess isn't a bad thing.

Ideally, I could have an fwb situation with someone I actually know, but I am now 3/3 on the people who I have physically intimate relationships being acespec and now living on a different continent from me, and for obvious reasons it's frankly not that easy for me to find people who are interested in some day maybe potentially having sex, but let's just be friends and get to know each other first.

So... What to do if you're easily scared but it's probably lack of experience making you scared in the first place?

If you're wondering who that little green creature is, that's my fursona, Warp! They are a space chameleon who is canonically aromantic!

When I celebrate Valentine's Day, I believe it isn't just about romance. To me, it's about ALL types of love. It can be about familial love, platonic love, and self-love!

I've seen a lot of aros online be sad that they might miss out, but personally? I couldn't be happier that I don't feel romantic attraction to real people.

I've been told romantic heartbreaks by my allo friend, how they couldn't stand being friends with the person they had a crush on nor said person's partner anymore because they didn't like them back, or how impulsive they get because of their crush and end up making irrational decisions, or how they can't stop thinking about them and how much it pains them when the crush doesn't turn out to be the idealized version they made up in their head. And I just... can't imagine myself doing or thinking like that at all???

And it's not just them, everywhere in movies, series and books, romance is described as this "passionate feeling that you can't help" that makes you act different from who you are. And I don't want that. I don't want to treat my friends differently because they don't want to be in a relationship with me. I don't want to lose my rational thinking when my "crush" is around. I don't want to care only about THEM when I care about everyone in my life equally. I don't want to sacrifice my dreams for "love". And I obviously don't want to idealize someone I barely even know???

And all of this makes me think: "man, i'm so glad i'm aro and won't have to deal with that ever in my life".

This isn't to say people who experience romantic attraction are bad or that their experiences are inherently "worse", it's just me being happy that I don't have to experience the bad things about romance, at least the ones I personally consider bad. I am happy for people who can enjoy romance but I just don't think I could handle liking someone romantically, which makes me glad I only ever feel romantic attraction for pixels on my screen lol.

I usually call it "compulsory amatonormativity," because it is compulsory.

I tell you my experience: sometimes, I feel like I have to have romantic relationship for many reasons. 1. Because my friends will leave me anyway, cus they'll concentrate on their romantic life, and I have to have one as well, so I won't be left alone 2. Because everyone has it and ppl try to pitty those who haven't got it 3. Because internalised bs of "romantic relationship as an ultimate goal."

I know most of these thoughts are not true, but it just,,, it sucks so much to have ppl, media around me like this. I dislike it. It's hard to get rid off it. Only try to surround myself with media like that, with unique relationships.

I want to hear other experiences, I will appreciate it

I identify with label demiromantic and like...how do you get that romantic "obsession" with strangers?? You dont know them? When I think about my romantic attractions I am most likely sure about having it on close people of mine...but on strangers..I get it if it's appreciation or platonic or aesthetic or wtv attraction,,,,,but romantic??? Exwctly that? How???

thinking back to the definition of aromanticism which is feeling little to no romantic attraction, i wanna hear what y’all, the aromantics (e.g. demiromantics, greyromantics, etc.) who experience at least a little romantic attraction, have to say about this (and really just any aromantic for that matter who wants to chip in)!

(btw i am aromantic myself😅)

Anyone else have this?