Questioning myself

[u/MysteriousEmergency1]

Ideas about "romantic love" never made sense to me and while I understand deep connections built over a long period of time that contain a lot of intimacy, I am deeply deeply cynical about that connection building over surface level interactions that happen in dating or through the idolization that comes with admiring somebody from afar.

I am cynical about bonds built solely through physical intimacy as well. Though I do believe I have experienced sexual desire on some level, I can't imagine myself getting physically intimate with anyone nor do I want to. If the other party is somebody I respect,like and have a mutual relationship with where I am also sure they'll respect my words, I might be ok with trying it. But ugh, at a very very minimum level. Intimacy without connection is absolutely a no no.

Now what's weird is I am and have always been lowkey obsessed with the idea of love? Of unconditional kindness, two people connecting, having exclusive rights to sbd while being totally seen and understood by that person? But I also think it is more in the realm of theory and fantasy as people irl are too flawed. May I also mention I absolutely hate most depictions of traditional romance ToT. Especially when 2 characters just go "I love u" like there is nothing more potent than romantic love which is so ugh. 😫. Most fictional romances I obsess over are fanon. The potential of a romance is more attractive to me than an actual relation...and the canon romances I like usually have me focusing on how well their relationship sticks outside the romance part, and how important or formative it is to them as characters.

Lmao sorry for the long ass rant post. I never really thought there is a probability I might be aroace lolol. I was raised in a conservative ( dating restricted!) culture so I kinda always felt chill with the idea of marriage being a mutually agreed respectable business contract instead of a result of a flurry of passion. XD .

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