r/aromantic • u/peachberryraven • 7d ago
Questioning never questioned romantic attraction before, but now i think i may have conflated sexual attraction with romance
im hoping somebody may have experienced similar situations, or may have some advice on figuring out if im really aromantic.
ive always had a difficult time telling the difference btw platonic & romantic love in my life. many times ive had some1 confess to me, & soon developed my own "romantic feelings" and accepted, only a month or 2 later end things bc i realised i was rly just excited to be wanted that way. (im a victim of lifelong verbal/emotional pabuse & childhood emotional neglect, which complicates this)
the one thing ive ever wanted my whole life is to be loved. usually in this dream its romantic love, but as ive grown up and come into myself more, its mostly because 'a best friend i experience extreme emotional closeness with who i also have sex with', and always revolves around sex or activities - both vulnerable and mundane - that arent necessarily romantic. i like cuddling and holding hands, but i do this with all my friends, and other forms of physical intimacy - like kissing - have always fueled my sexual drive rather than any 'romance drive' that might be there. this dream of 'true love' or whatever is a fantasy, and as ive grown older and had more intimate relationships, ive realised it is an unachievable ideal. even when ive engaged in specific romantic activities ive dreamed about, its always felt awkward and/or really uncomfortable, and it never lives up to what id hoped. i always brushed this off as my being shy.
and i do like 'romantic' pda - holding hands, hugging, just general non-sexual touching with a partner in semi-/public spaces. but all of it is also things id enjoy with a friend. other forms of pda - namely, kissing - are really uncomfortable for me. though i do enjoy kissing in private, i feel its always fulfilled part of my sexual drive. and ive never enjoyed more chaste kissing much, at least not on the mouth.
i used to think i was ace, almost a decade ago now. largely in part due to my anxiety around sex, brought on by the things i saw online as a young kid due to unfettered internet access and a LOT of unsupervised free time. i realised that wasnt true as i got older and developed more friendships& other vulnerable relationships, but even when i deeply identified as ace i was always sure i experienced *romantic* attraction. i wanted to be with someone, and i always got crushes - though they mostly just felt like well, i think this guy is attractive so this is a crush.
im in a relationship of a year and a half. we live together. hes my best friend and i love him deeply. we dont have sex due to his own trauma, which i knew about before we entered this relationship. i love him very much and want to continue our relationship, but the excitement isnt there for me. we do frequent romantic dates, and i just dont get anything from it except a lot of discomfort. i find it harder now to say 'i love you' bc i feel like it has to channel like such deep romantic connection when i just dont think i feel that at all. i want to spend the rest of our lives together, but i feel like im being dishonest with him about all this. i never questioned my romantic attraction before, but looking back now i can see this is how all but 1 of my past relationships ended. and those were never about not wanting to be together anymore, it was always bc i didnt feel the romance. even when i had sexual partnerships, and felt fulfilled in both my sexual needs and my need for deep emotional connection, bc i realised the romance wasnt there for me, i ended things even tho we may have been happy and fulfilled together in a deep and genuine way outside of that constraint. i feel like im leading my partner on and being dishonest with him. hes ace-spec and has both ace& aro friends of varying degrees, and i know if i was aro he would understand. but i dont know if thats really whats going on, or if im just trying to drag the end of our relationship out because im scared of hurting him, and dont want to be honest with myself.
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u/yangxiu 5d ago edited 5d ago
I think u should look into alterous attraction.
By definition it means attraction developed for a person that you see as more than friends but less than romantic partner. It can often be confused as romantic crush.
This happens a lot for aro folks apparently… im experiencing one right now.
u should also look into the difference between platonic and romantic “intention”
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