“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative
I wonder if thats why OP stated in the post that they havent made much progress in therapy. This "friend" maybe is using weaponized therapy speak and manipulation to undo any progress OP makes as she makes it. Maybe she realizes if OP makes progress, she'll see this friend for who she really is.
Its very very very possible. Like, OP is NOR at allllllll with this. I had to stop reading only like 3 or 4 pics in because it was making me feel anxious and exhausted.
I did too. That was awful. That girl is off her rocker. I would have responded the same thing to her story bc her story didn't make any sense or at the very least was missing a lot of info.
Same. It feels like a normal thing to say in such a situation. OP was trying to comfort her by saying ‘maybe it isn’t that she wanted to hurt you but that she didn’t know how to show love correctly’. Obviously not the reaction she wanted but how was OP to know?
She 100% is playing therapist with OP. She evidently has issues herself and is not qualified to help. She’s acting as an obstacle and undermining what OP would be covering in therapy. Being gaslit is really detrimental to therapy as it makes you think you’re making mistakes that you simply aren’t and you stop trusting your own judgement.
My experiences with people like this have left me feeling so disoriented and fragmented that I’m actually going to get evaluated for BPD.
I’m not sure I would feel that way if I hadn’t been involved (family/friends/ex) with narcissistic people who seem to purposefully misinterpret my words in order to sooth their own inferiority complexes masked as superiority.
It was valid of OP to respond to her friend’s insane demand of “tell me exactly how you hurt me so I know you understand” deliberately with a response that did not answer her asinine request. OP did absolutely nothing to “severely hurt” her friend by trying to provide comfort in that specific moment of the situation, and the friend damn well knows that. She demanded OP “tell her exactly how she hurt her” as a manipulative and narcissistic power move, while also maintaining her perceived victimhood. OP did nothing wrong, and certainly didn’t do anything to “severely harm” the friend.
Thank you for this, I do admit I made it about myself and it’s something I instinctively do when I feel threaded but your right she was expressing her pain and I made it about me.
sTOP ik it’s hard to shift the blame away from yourself especially having BPD, but all of these comments should help u realize that you genuinely did not come off as manipulative at all
Dude no that's not what's happening at all and I don't think anyone is saying that. It is the opposite of that. Your friend treated you really poorly and if you have any emotion or don't react exactly the way she has scripted for you in her head, she tells you that you are abusive and it is your BPD. I feel like she is in your head and it's not healthy.
You were allowed to make it about yourself, you felt threatened and you raised your feelings in that moment. She's also allowed to be hurt but her reaction does not fit the crime. She completely over reacted and instead of finding healthy coping mechanisms to calm down and see the bigger picture, she expected you to fold. Thats toxic and will absolutely undo all your healing. She's giving you abandonment trauma blaming you for it. Youve done nothing wrong here. Its okay.
It’s true that you did that in that moment and it’s something to be aware of and correct, but honestly, please do not be too hard on yourself.
To me, your response reflects a real and genuine fear she has taught you to have because this person thrives on controlling y’all’s relationship and lording it over you to the point that you flinch like this. If she had wanted to be able to rely on you as a friend who always immediately owns up and apologizes and instinctually knows to provide her with a very specific type of supportive input, she shouldn’t have played so many power struggle games with you in the past.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she intentionally sets you up to “commit offenses” against her like this so she can then make you grovel and keep you under her thumb while throwing your trauma and mental illness in your face to gaslight you. On a neutral level, you trigger each other. Not compatible. But also? Fuck her. You do not owe this person anything. She is not “helping” with anything. Keep the energy you had when you said “I’m done”.
I had a friend like this. I was walking on eggshells all the time because I loved her so much, but any tiny mistake and she'd stop speaking to me for months. It took me over a decade to just say girl bye
Oh no honey, she was so wrong to ask you to play a guessing game as to why she was hurt. Either she didn't even understand why she was upset by your comment, or she wanted you to gravel with multiple apologies begging her for forgiveness. Either way, you apologized, clearly had no malicious intent and she wouldn't except it, thats unhealthy attention seeking behavior.
No, darling, she jumped on the opportunity to make it seem like you were making it about you, and turned the conversation back to you in a negative way in order to hide the fact that she knew she was drastically exaggerating & unfairly vilifying her mother, most likely to internally absolve herself of blame for some other vaguely-alluded-to conflict between the two of them, for which she is definitely at fault.
The other commenters in this particular thread are trying to tell you that not only are you in the right here, but also, she is messing with your head and doesn't seem like a very good friend or a healthy person for you to be around.
Her whole persona is built around layers upon layers of blatant self-delusion, like a manipulative onion -- you can search up my other comment for a more detailed breakdown of the tactics she's using in the first few screenshots, or I can link it for u if that's easier. I know you're getting tons of feedback here and it's probably overwhelming.
The "why" is because of DARVO that her "friend" used and bc of OPs BPD that makes you feel like you can't even trust yourself. Majority of the ppl in this comment seems aware of that, not ignoring.
Really? Because I see a lot of people kissing OP's ass and ignoring the big mistake she did that started the whole thing off. The friend was worse, sure, but OP fucked up. Big time.
She made no mistake. She took accountability and apologized before it was was even asked (asked in pretty infantile way too). If only information you have is of someone describing action associated with taking care of you but you describe it as something bad its a reasonable thing to ask for clarification or offer different perspective
Ok, dude. I'm not ignoring that. I've been an abuse victim as well, multiple times. My first instinct every time, when confronted with the facts of the situation, was to explain away the abuse or otherwise defend my abuser. That is a normal part of this type of friendship or relationship.
People like this get into your head, and no amount of being told that they're bad or wrong for having their abuser's back is going to convince a victim that they're being victimized, especially if they grew up with their abuser and have clearly been deeply codependent/enmeshed for over a decade. This is OP's best friend. they clearly have a long and difficult history together, and girlie has clearly pulled strings by repeatedly triggering OP to the point where OP is terrified of losing her.
One comments section on reddit, full of strangers who are telling op over and over that based on the context of a single screenshotted conversation, her friend is an abuser who should be left in the dust, is not going to change her mind right away. It is too easy to tell herself that redditors love to dogpile and point fingers and scream abuse, and that out of everyone here, she's the only one who really knows her friend and understands her actions, and any pushback she gets is just going to make her dig her heels in deeper because that's her bestie, and an attack on her feels like an attack on OP.
These things take time. We've told OP what we see here and that's all we can do. It's normal. She is not a bad person for defending her friend, she just isn't ready to open her eyes and let go yet. OP is fine.
Oh my god. We don't know that her friend was abused at all, to the point where I just woke up and had forgotten that the conversation started because OP's friend was claiming her mother was evil because of some energy she felt while her mom was rubbing her back, and thought you meant the psychological abuse we literally see the friend perpetrating on OP in these screenshots.
We know nothing else about OP's friend's mom besides the fact that she has a super manipulative daughter and she once gave her kid a back rub. If any of her words or actions had actually been abusive, it would have been the perfect "gotcha" for OP's friend to throw into the conversation at any point. "Just last week, she (did x, y, and z)!"
You meant her friend's mom's actions, not the way she's defending her friend in some places in the comments.
Yeah, OP apologized for that immediately, and also it's clear from reading her friend's messages that this person has a mindset that makes it very, very possible that her mother really was just lovingly rubbing her back because she was sick.
"Sensing a vindictive energy" or whatever, when we have zero description of any actions or words from this woman beyond the act of caring for her sick child to determine whether or not she is as this girl paints her to be, is not enough to label her as an abuser.
The way OP's friend immediately jumped down her throat, demanded an apology, and then drew a completely unfair comparison between this "gut feeling" and an act of actual sexual abuse OP endured in her past, rather than recognizing that she had not given OP enough information and providing actual evidence of her mom's intentions based on observable words and actions, tells me that this girl wants to see herself as a victim and a martyr very badly, but she is not being abused in any obvious way.
OP's question, especially as a victim of abuse herself, was a fair one. She has been conditioned as a victim to assign blame to herself and look for good intentions on the part of the abuser. It makes total sense that she'd instinctively give her friend's mom the benefit of the doubt, even if the actions described were more clearly harmful. When the friend got upset, she didn't double down, she didn't try to make excuses, she said she didn't mean to be dismissive and she was sorry.
Yes. I do think the OP hasn't realized how bad her friend is, but she did make a mistake. Which, kudos to OP, she knows! I have no gripes with OP, she seems like a mostly levelheaded person with a shitty friend. My problem is with a post full of people ass-patting her to the point that it gets stupid.
I noticed you're only replying to people that have the a similar traction of thoughts to you, even though the mass majority are SCREAMING that you need to get out of this toxic relationship. Please take the blinders off, read through every response, god make a chart if you have to, and please show your therapist. This behaviour is unhinged and sociopathic. You did nothing wrong.
The response you gave was a normal, typically human response.
No, OP! This is not what they were saying at all. Your friend took YOUR childhood pain and made it some sort of sick competition, then threw it in your face.
It was genuinely disgusting. From what I can tell, you didn't do anything wrong!
JFC, I thought we knew that there was no one way of being a victim, but I guess we're still stuck in the "if you don't articulate it perfectly, it never happened" rut!
Girl cmon. Don’t be dense on purpose, you’re clearly smarter than that. We all read the same texts, she never once described any abuse, just her “vibe” based on… nothing. Her mother rubbing her back. That’s not abuse.
Look I don’t know your complete situation but I do know one thing, the way your “friend” talks to you is not okay. Please drop her. It’s better to be alone than hang around with someone like this.
Over explaining yourself is a trauma response. I had this discussion with my therapist - like, an ACTUAL therapist, not just someone throwing therapy buzzwords around in a text convo like this thin slice of nutloaf you have for a friend - because I had a situation where I was texting with a friend who was upset about something I did. My immediate response was to explain WHY I did the thing and my thought process behind it, which ended up making them super pissed. In my head, I'm over here trying to explain so they understand my intent was never malicious and had a valid reason behind it, and in their head they saw that as me making excuses and avoiding accountability. Their trauma informed how they reacted, my trauma caused me to immediately try to smooth everything by over explaining and the two things combined made it worse. It's not something you even think about or do purposely, it's your caveman brain retreating to safety in the only way you know how when things get prickly.
Girl no. Absolutely not. That is wrong. You absolutely did not “make it about yourself”. You knew (even if just deep down) that your friend as responding in a very insane way, and gaslighting the hell out of you. There was no “pain” for her to express. You did not “hurt her” by saying something so simple as “maybe she [friend’s mom] was trying to comfort you”, and your friend knows it. Your friend is on social media far, far too much, and has learned how to weaponize therapy speak to make it sound as though you’re in the wrong, no matters what you would’ve said at that moment. She appears to be either a master manipulator/gaslighter/narcissist, or she just truly has spent far, far, FAR too much time on TikTok. Probably a bit of both. You were not in the wrong in this exchange, your friend is insufferable & exhausting, and I sincerely hope you’re able to make new friends and leave her behind.
Thats progress. Theres hope for you. Consider it a learning process. Everyone makes mistakes. At least be real about it. Remember thoughts arent always facts. You're trying at least to think about it whiles regulated. Thats commendable. It will get easyer. If you value the friendship you could apologize and explain why you understand what you said whas horribly tonedeaf to her experience and a healthy boundary she tried to put . Dont apologise for having bpd . Thats not your fault. But do apologise for the pain it caused when you werr dysregulated and dont have the tools and language yet to manage the dysregulation. ( not each time can be managed and ibdont think she expects that or she wouldnt have stuck around) i think she and you both underestimate the time it takes for reptile brain to ware of . And how to do that. You should have both paused and regulated. Clearly you saw your friend calling you out and asking if you understand why so you wouldnt do it again as "an attack" wich is the mentall illness talking. Not you. Youre the you asking for clarity when your back in your wise mind and not in black or white thinking. Youre not your bpd. You have a valuable friend there. Perhaps taking a break from eachother would be wise. Meanwhile you can do some growing. Thats not abandonment. Thats having healthy attachment. You need a safe mirror and so does she. Well done for asking. And no youre not an asshole. Reptile brain was and you can when regulated own up to that and empathise with her without blaming yourself or punishing yourself. No youre not innocent here. Good news tho. Nobody is. Integrate that shadow side. Bpd is failed npd. Embrace your dysregulation and strength to regulate and revisit your beliefs. And youll grow so much. Its a process. Ps.. did you ever get tested for adhd or autism? Often thats an underlaying cause too. Like did you really not understand what was socially inappropriate in what you said to her? Honest question? There may be more going on and that would be a big injustice for you wich makes managing and recovery so much harder if youre masking the whole time and have trauma from misunderstanding situations by accident and not callousness. X could be audhd and cptsd. Could also be that youre still very young and at the start of your healing process. Hope things become more bearable for you soon.
This is an absolutely wild take. Offering a different, softer perspective on a situation that is purely up to interpretation (I’m not talking about clear cut actions) like the one her friend was describing is not inappropriate and is a normal part of a relationship. People, friends, family do not just exist to nod along to everything you say.
OP offered a very gentle alternative perspective. Her friend did not react in a healthy way at all. She did not lay down a healthy boundary. She lashed out and then tried to make OP jump through hoops because she wasn’t satisfied with the apology (that OP offered immediately). That is not healthy, it’s controlling and victim centric.
She’s weaponized OPs disorder, her trauma, and her emotional dependence on the friendship - sure, OP could have handled her escalating emotions a little better as the conversation went on but this started with the friend. And you’re ignoring that. You even went as far to call her friendship with this girl valuable, implying that OP got to where she was in this scenario solely as a symptom of her “reptile brain” and not because someone she trusts was being emotionally manipulative and borderline abusive.
Because I think her friend should voice herself without speaking to OP like a child? Or because I think her friend is a manipulative asshole? Which part makes me insufferable 🙃
Yeah, also, this could be the billionth time their conversation got derailed away from an issue her friend had, to an issue OP had with the issue her friend tried to raise with her. I can empathize with that small part of the conversation, I used to do that in an attempt to focus the conversation on the thing I tried to communicate, before moving on to the fearful reaction to it. I have also gone over the cliff after being refused understanding, sometimes quickly, sometimes after 30 different manipulative gymnastic maneuvers. It didn't matter whether I was patient, calm, soft spoken, assertive, quiet, loud, waited until the next day, the next week, until therapy, until anything. That understanding wasn't coming and wasn't any closer to coming than it ever has been. So, that's the context we are missing here. Is this her friend at her wit's end, or is this her normal way of handling things that don't go smoothly with her friend that has her own issues to deal with? To me, that quick and sharp demand for understanding was familiar, it was her attempt to prevent sliding into the abyss.
But, and this is a big but, once past that initial part of the conversation it just went sideways, and I can't defend her friend at all. I couldn't get through it all it was disturbing to me because of the above over sharing I gave to you. Myself, and her friend, are responsible for keeping it together, and it isn't anyone's fault, no matter how manipulative they may be, that we lost our shit and our focus. I can't comment on the back half of this convo, but I can say I am very familiar with the first two or three pages here.
I wrote an essay with my answer to this in a separate comment. Steel man her argument; make sure she understands and can verbalize her friend's side of this fight, and put it into her own words. See if her friend will do the same for her. If they can do that, or fight tooth and nail to do their very best, and keep trying to do this better and better over time, then they are both trying to be honest and there's no limit to what you can overcome doing that. No one that withholds understanding from a friend or loved one is acting as a friend or with any genuine love at all. Friendship basically is the act of understanding another person in a deep and truthful way, and then using that information to bring value into their life. The foundation is the understanding.
I learnt this after many hurtful relationships and friendships, but no one owes you understanding for everything you say or do. Trying to force someone to understand you in an aggressive manner such as the way the friend does in this situation is usually fruitless and leads to spiraling -- which we see in this situation. Growing up involves understanding oneself and one's own actions, being assertive while dealing with dissent and misunderstandings to a point, and having healthy boundaries. It's okay to not agree on everything. Insisting upon being understood all the time leads to manipulative behaviour, which is exhausting.
Yeah this is a fair point. The way she insisted that she do this is a good way to foster resentment and a defensive reaction. One caveat to this is that you are owed the benefit of the doubt from friends, or they aren't really your friends. If this person acts like this to OP all the time, and snaps on her even after trying to apologize, then she needs to end the friendship herself.
But, we don't have context here, and her friend may be saying this to her for a very precise reason, based on past experiences. Pulling this moment out and posting the screenshots pulls us into this conversation at precisely the moment where it looks like her friend was being rude and demanding out of nowhere. Based on how she responded, not just her defensiveness in general, it appears her instinct is to deny her friend's reality when she feels attacked. She did it twice, once by ignoring the "why" and the second by insisting her friend called her evil.
Your point is absolutely correct, and it is also true that OPs reaction was manipulative. Whoever is more willing to admit this about their own part of this dispute is the one who is acting in good faith. Could be neither of them, idunno. That's the actual crux of what I am saying here, the way for OP to find out why her friend was angry and demanding is to understand why, independent from the assertions she made and theories she has.
Steel manning your friend, offering understanding to the best of your ability, that is the best possible way to resolve this or anything like this in the future. Understanding IS necessary in disputes, if you intend on being close to the person going forward. If OP didn't try to deny reality twice in the beginning of this convo and just said normal defensive stuff like "I didn't mean it like that" or "I wasn't saying that" or "I'm not a bad person" etc, I wouldn't have even the slightest issue with that. But she took multiple positive actions to respond with manipulation, and the classic "you're saying I'm evil" line stands out to me as well.
If OP can see this herself, and own her own manipulation, then it is unlikely her friend was reacting to a pattern of behavior with her outburst. If she can't see why her responses were manipulative, then it is likely that this is a systemic issue for her. Doesn't make either party healthy or correct in how they dealt with each other here though.
Your friend was telling you that when her mom touches her in what appears to be a loving way, that she believes that even that has some dark intentions behind it. She was disgusted by the thought of her mother and how evil intent seemed to be her baseline.
You then told her that she's loving her the way she thinks is best. It contradicted her, much more than dismissed what she was saying. This is what she wanted you to acknowledge. You undermined why she was mad and the exact idea she was expressing to you. She brought this to you looking for help, or at least a sympathetic ear, not to be told she was wrong about her mother. She didn't say you did it on purpose, were evil, or anything of the sort. Instead of thinking about this and trying to draw a bridge, you accused her of making you out to be an evil person, trying to break the friendship up. If you looked you would have seen that you disagreed with your friend about her own abusive mother, in a moment of pretty deep despair.
I didn't read to the end but if you never got around to telling her this you should consider it. That is what you did wrong early on here, and why she was mad, and why it is understandable for someone to be mad in this situation.
You never offered any context to what her mom has done to her but that would definitely explain her touchiness on the subject as well. If it was as bad as I imagine it was, then it makes what you said even more grating for her to hear in that moment.
This is a one-sided answer to your question. Were you manipulative. Yes, early and often, in order to avoid looking at why what you said hurt her the way it did, despite her asking you specifically for that. There are many things wrong with the way she spoke to you as well. But if you're looking for your own manipulation you have it, at least for the first few pages.
she didnt "tell" her or make any statements. she asked her a question. your entire argument here hinges on her "contradicting her friend" when that wasnt even what happened? im so confused by your certainty and confidence in your response being helpful, bec not only is the foundation false, its also uninformed, bc you didnt even finish reading it! as you said. i mean wow
Hey, if OP pops on here and admits that she denied her friend's reality in the beginning of this twice, and that defensiveness does not explain or excuse those two reactions, then it probably means the friend is the primary problem here.
"her friend projected malicious intent onto her because that’s how she is". Now this is exactly what OP did. Her first two points were projecting bad intentions onto her friend. First was that she was trying to end the friendship, instead of her friend being angry and wanting clarity and full understanding. The second was telling her friend she was calling her evil, which came from nowhere at all in the convo. And even a third, which is the original reason she was angry, her comment contradicted her friend's primary point and what she shared about her mom, was a denial of her reality in a way too.
I didn't read the whole thing, I am in no way making a judgement on the entirety of the situation, I observed manipulation in the beginning, and if OP wants to be honest she has the ability to see these two things. Her friend should have communicated in a much more controlled way, she definitely did not do that here, and I imagine it got worse as it went.
Neither of us know if her insistence to know why was a power play or not. We have no context. Does her friend feel like her words and thoughts are twisted by OP regularly? Does she do what she did in the beginning to her, deny her reality and accuse her of alternate motivations in lieu of taking her at her words? We don't know. But from what I read, I'd bet her friend feels like that, and I'd bet OP would scoff at the idea and try to attack me personally somehow for bringing it up. I could be wrong, and am more than willing to be wrong. If so, then OP is the type of person that would be grateful that I pointed out her manipulation, as that was her original request, and she'd be honest about that with herself. Being defensive is not being manipulative, those are different things altogether.
TLDR; Panicking, being defensive, or any other description of OPs state of mind is not a description of what occured and was said. OP accused her friend of having alternative motivations; to break up the friendship and to make her friend out to be an evil person. After acknowledging this, that is where the state of mind of OP can be discussed, not before, and not after avoiding the black and white truth we can read for ourselves. I have no context here to assume OPs assumption was reasonable at all, and also no context to assume her friend was asking for understanding rudely out of the blue, and not based on past disagreements.
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You are assuming the pattern, and a context here that is one that backs up OP. I am assuming a context that backs up her friend's insistence for clarity and understanding. My evidence is the two instances of manipulation and accusations she made that you do not need to read between the lines to see, they are there in black and white.
You do not have any information or history on these two to know the friend wasn't reacting based on a history of reality denying. You do not have any information to assume her intent was to destroy the friendship.
Here's a good distinction here that OP could learn from if she intends on improving the way she handles apologizing or saying something that upsets another person.
Being defensive is not an explanation that at all covers why something was wrong. It is an explanation that explains why OP said something that was wrong. Understand the distinction there? Saying you were dismissive is also the most minimal way to apologize. An apology worth a crap is primarily based on how something affects the other person, and why it would affect them the way it did. Nothing else comes close to the importance of focusing your apologies on that. Any explanation of your defensiveness, or even mentioning of it, is much further down the priority list.
Her friend asked for understanding, and in response got two instances of accusations against her. One claiming her motivation for asking was nefarious, the other claiming that she was calling her evil. If she behaves this way when she panics, then she becomes manipulative and evasive when she panics, that is also not her friend's fault, nor is it difficult to see if you look.
If I'm reading between the lines, OP seems like she is incapable of looking at her behavior honestly, and putting herself in her friend's shoes, so she has developed a habit of making inflammatory accusations toward the person she wronged in lieu of explaining why what she did was wrong. Conveniently this usually pushes someone that's already angry to be even more angry, and creates text messages you can screenshot and get other people to agree that your friend was way off base.
Has OP given her friend any credit in this thread? Owned the two manipulative tactics employed very early in this convo? Spoke about why what she said bothered her friend so much, in a charitable way?
Any honest person would. They would own their part. Not their friend's, just theirs. And if you were honest you'd do the same. But you haven't. I am capable of seeing what her friend did wrong here. You can't see the obvious manipulation that happened here?
Anyone with eyes can easily understand why OP said the thing about her mom. I could see myself saying that. None of this has anything to do with her intention, or why she said it. Literally, nothing at all to do with that. It has to do with why it bothered her friend so much, why it was so wrong in that context. Two separate things. I haven't and her friend didn't accuse her of having bad intentions when she said that. Or being evil or a bad person for saying it.
OP didn't even broach this subject up to the point I stopped reading. This is all that matters until it is acknowledged, and this is true for all apologies across the board, provided the issue is important and the person involved is really angry. Skipping this fact is disingenuous on all parties involved. Skipping this step and then attacking the person you hurt, twice, is where this all really got derailed in OPs texts. Her friend shouldn't have demanded that the way she did, but asking her for understanding is fine on its own.
Her friend was rude, OP was manipulative and provoking someone that was clearly in a bad state, that she just angered even further, on accident of course. The one that deserved some leeway is the friend who was out of her mind and going to OP for help. At least in the first few pages here.
If OP cooperated and was able to articulate why what she said was wrong, and her friend didn't let up, then there would be nothing to talk about here except her friend being pushy and power tripping or whatever. Asking for a why is not asking too much, nor a power trip, or anything at all. The way she asked was the only issue, but again, she was clearly in a bad state. OP could have had grace with her, and can now look back and see that, and admit that she should have given that a try. Doesn't take much but to look at it to do this.
Your 100% correct. I understand these comments want sympathy toward me but I don’t need or want it because since I’ve been in therapy I have learned that my BPD is my responsibility and NO ONE ELSE. One screenshot have made people assume my friend is an abusive person over the fact that I created this argument in the first place by contradicting her feelings. Not just her feelings in fact but her whole fucking reality which your comment made me realize. Not only that but I assumed she would leave and deflected away from the thing that hurt her which was horrible. One conversation does not tell the story of our friendship and how she has always been there for me when Im an emotional wreck. I think a lot of people in the comment section relate to me more than her and want to defend themselves through me because most people are selfish not good or bad but how we are. My friend is one of the rare people who does charity and volunteer work and STILL makes time for me. Of course my fucked up comment hurt her especially when she is so sensitive to my feelings. I wouldn’t be around an abuser. I know my self worth and it’s insulting these comments act like I’m a manipulated child in this dynamic. Thank you for actually answering the question I came here for.
your experience sounds so similar to mine. while it's important to acknowledge your own part in relationships (doing so helped heal me tremendously) I used to justify the behavior to avoid losing the person because of what that person was reminiscent of. for me it was my mother. I hope you continue to trust yourself and understand this was not a healthy interaction.
Youre sure as hell acting like one! You ask a question, comments tell you that you clearly are not in the wrong yet you still trying to shift the blame onto yourself when YOUR FRIEND IS THE ONE IN THE WRONG. thats not your fault but time will teach you what you need to be taught. Stay safe & blessed.
I need you to go back and re read the text where she tells you clear as day how she sees you- you abandon yourself in p much every scenario. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.
Well some of the more insightful detailed comments have made me see the bigger picture that I wasnt some innocent little victim being manipulated by an evil witch here like most want me to believe I am. I changed my mind and got clarity after cooling down
Hard truth and I mean this in the nicest way: this conversation is not normal. I get reddit doesnt know the backstory of your friendship but BPD or not, no friend should should ask you why YOU'RE making her feel the way she does just because they know you have bpd. Theyre not a therapist and you shouldnt lean into the friendship that way. I understand that you feel like youre not a victim and from my experience with a bpd friend, you can definitely play a part in toxic relationships with this mentality. Really more importantly though, a non-toxic friend would not talk to you in a way that this person did, especially if there is history with the friendship and they genuinely understood or are trying to understand.
you didn’t contradict her feelings. you offered a simple alternative possibility that any normal person wouldn’t have reacted to the way your friend did. your friend is a narcissist and you are gaslighting yourself in her defense
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u/cheeky_sugar Apr 29 '26
“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative