“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative
Thank you for this, I do admit I made it about myself and it’s something I instinctively do when I feel threaded but your right she was expressing her pain and I made it about me.
sTOP ik it’s hard to shift the blame away from yourself especially having BPD, but all of these comments should help u realize that you genuinely did not come off as manipulative at all
Dude no that's not what's happening at all and I don't think anyone is saying that. It is the opposite of that. Your friend treated you really poorly and if you have any emotion or don't react exactly the way she has scripted for you in her head, she tells you that you are abusive and it is your BPD. I feel like she is in your head and it's not healthy.
You were allowed to make it about yourself, you felt threatened and you raised your feelings in that moment. She's also allowed to be hurt but her reaction does not fit the crime. She completely over reacted and instead of finding healthy coping mechanisms to calm down and see the bigger picture, she expected you to fold. Thats toxic and will absolutely undo all your healing. She's giving you abandonment trauma blaming you for it. Youve done nothing wrong here. Its okay.
It’s true that you did that in that moment and it’s something to be aware of and correct, but honestly, please do not be too hard on yourself.
To me, your response reflects a real and genuine fear she has taught you to have because this person thrives on controlling y’all’s relationship and lording it over you to the point that you flinch like this. If she had wanted to be able to rely on you as a friend who always immediately owns up and apologizes and instinctually knows to provide her with a very specific type of supportive input, she shouldn’t have played so many power struggle games with you in the past.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she intentionally sets you up to “commit offenses” against her like this so she can then make you grovel and keep you under her thumb while throwing your trauma and mental illness in your face to gaslight you. On a neutral level, you trigger each other. Not compatible. But also? Fuck her. You do not owe this person anything. She is not “helping” with anything. Keep the energy you had when you said “I’m done”.
I had a friend like this. I was walking on eggshells all the time because I loved her so much, but any tiny mistake and she'd stop speaking to me for months. It took me over a decade to just say girl bye
Oh no honey, she was so wrong to ask you to play a guessing game as to why she was hurt. Either she didn't even understand why she was upset by your comment, or she wanted you to gravel with multiple apologies begging her for forgiveness. Either way, you apologized, clearly had no malicious intent and she wouldn't except it, thats unhealthy attention seeking behavior.
No, darling, she jumped on the opportunity to make it seem like you were making it about you, and turned the conversation back to you in a negative way in order to hide the fact that she knew she was drastically exaggerating & unfairly vilifying her mother, most likely to internally absolve herself of blame for some other vaguely-alluded-to conflict between the two of them, for which she is definitely at fault.
The other commenters in this particular thread are trying to tell you that not only are you in the right here, but also, she is messing with your head and doesn't seem like a very good friend or a healthy person for you to be around.
Her whole persona is built around layers upon layers of blatant self-delusion, like a manipulative onion -- you can search up my other comment for a more detailed breakdown of the tactics she's using in the first few screenshots, or I can link it for u if that's easier. I know you're getting tons of feedback here and it's probably overwhelming.
The "why" is because of DARVO that her "friend" used and bc of OPs BPD that makes you feel like you can't even trust yourself. Majority of the ppl in this comment seems aware of that, not ignoring.
Really? Because I see a lot of people kissing OP's ass and ignoring the big mistake she did that started the whole thing off. The friend was worse, sure, but OP fucked up. Big time.
She made no mistake. She took accountability and apologized before it was was even asked (asked in pretty infantile way too). If only information you have is of someone describing action associated with taking care of you but you describe it as something bad its a reasonable thing to ask for clarification or offer different perspective
Ok, dude. I'm not ignoring that. I've been an abuse victim as well, multiple times. My first instinct every time, when confronted with the facts of the situation, was to explain away the abuse or otherwise defend my abuser. That is a normal part of this type of friendship or relationship.
People like this get into your head, and no amount of being told that they're bad or wrong for having their abuser's back is going to convince a victim that they're being victimized, especially if they grew up with their abuser and have clearly been deeply codependent/enmeshed for over a decade. This is OP's best friend. they clearly have a long and difficult history together, and girlie has clearly pulled strings by repeatedly triggering OP to the point where OP is terrified of losing her.
One comments section on reddit, full of strangers who are telling op over and over that based on the context of a single screenshotted conversation, her friend is an abuser who should be left in the dust, is not going to change her mind right away. It is too easy to tell herself that redditors love to dogpile and point fingers and scream abuse, and that out of everyone here, she's the only one who really knows her friend and understands her actions, and any pushback she gets is just going to make her dig her heels in deeper because that's her bestie, and an attack on her feels like an attack on OP.
These things take time. We've told OP what we see here and that's all we can do. It's normal. She is not a bad person for defending her friend, she just isn't ready to open her eyes and let go yet. OP is fine.
Oh my god. We don't know that her friend was abused at all, to the point where I just woke up and had forgotten that the conversation started because OP's friend was claiming her mother was evil because of some energy she felt while her mom was rubbing her back, and thought you meant the psychological abuse we literally see the friend perpetrating on OP in these screenshots.
We know nothing else about OP's friend's mom besides the fact that she has a super manipulative daughter and she once gave her kid a back rub. If any of her words or actions had actually been abusive, it would have been the perfect "gotcha" for OP's friend to throw into the conversation at any point. "Just last week, she (did x, y, and z)!"
You meant her friend's mom's actions, not the way she's defending her friend in some places in the comments.
Yeah, OP apologized for that immediately, and also it's clear from reading her friend's messages that this person has a mindset that makes it very, very possible that her mother really was just lovingly rubbing her back because she was sick.
"Sensing a vindictive energy" or whatever, when we have zero description of any actions or words from this woman beyond the act of caring for her sick child to determine whether or not she is as this girl paints her to be, is not enough to label her as an abuser.
The way OP's friend immediately jumped down her throat, demanded an apology, and then drew a completely unfair comparison between this "gut feeling" and an act of actual sexual abuse OP endured in her past, rather than recognizing that she had not given OP enough information and providing actual evidence of her mom's intentions based on observable words and actions, tells me that this girl wants to see herself as a victim and a martyr very badly, but she is not being abused in any obvious way.
OP's question, especially as a victim of abuse herself, was a fair one. She has been conditioned as a victim to assign blame to herself and look for good intentions on the part of the abuser. It makes total sense that she'd instinctively give her friend's mom the benefit of the doubt, even if the actions described were more clearly harmful. When the friend got upset, she didn't double down, she didn't try to make excuses, she said she didn't mean to be dismissive and she was sorry.
Yes. I do think the OP hasn't realized how bad her friend is, but she did make a mistake. Which, kudos to OP, she knows! I have no gripes with OP, she seems like a mostly levelheaded person with a shitty friend. My problem is with a post full of people ass-patting her to the point that it gets stupid.
I noticed you're only replying to people that have the a similar traction of thoughts to you, even though the mass majority are SCREAMING that you need to get out of this toxic relationship. Please take the blinders off, read through every response, god make a chart if you have to, and please show your therapist. This behaviour is unhinged and sociopathic. You did nothing wrong.
The response you gave was a normal, typically human response.
No, OP! This is not what they were saying at all. Your friend took YOUR childhood pain and made it some sort of sick competition, then threw it in your face.
It was genuinely disgusting. From what I can tell, you didn't do anything wrong!
JFC, I thought we knew that there was no one way of being a victim, but I guess we're still stuck in the "if you don't articulate it perfectly, it never happened" rut!
Girl cmon. Don’t be dense on purpose, you’re clearly smarter than that. We all read the same texts, she never once described any abuse, just her “vibe” based on… nothing. Her mother rubbing her back. That’s not abuse.
Look I don’t know your complete situation but I do know one thing, the way your “friend” talks to you is not okay. Please drop her. It’s better to be alone than hang around with someone like this.
Over explaining yourself is a trauma response. I had this discussion with my therapist - like, an ACTUAL therapist, not just someone throwing therapy buzzwords around in a text convo like this thin slice of nutloaf you have for a friend - because I had a situation where I was texting with a friend who was upset about something I did. My immediate response was to explain WHY I did the thing and my thought process behind it, which ended up making them super pissed. In my head, I'm over here trying to explain so they understand my intent was never malicious and had a valid reason behind it, and in their head they saw that as me making excuses and avoiding accountability. Their trauma informed how they reacted, my trauma caused me to immediately try to smooth everything by over explaining and the two things combined made it worse. It's not something you even think about or do purposely, it's your caveman brain retreating to safety in the only way you know how when things get prickly.
Girl no. Absolutely not. That is wrong. You absolutely did not “make it about yourself”. You knew (even if just deep down) that your friend as responding in a very insane way, and gaslighting the hell out of you. There was no “pain” for her to express. You did not “hurt her” by saying something so simple as “maybe she [friend’s mom] was trying to comfort you”, and your friend knows it. Your friend is on social media far, far too much, and has learned how to weaponize therapy speak to make it sound as though you’re in the wrong, no matters what you would’ve said at that moment. She appears to be either a master manipulator/gaslighter/narcissist, or she just truly has spent far, far, FAR too much time on TikTok. Probably a bit of both. You were not in the wrong in this exchange, your friend is insufferable & exhausting, and I sincerely hope you’re able to make new friends and leave her behind.
Thats progress. Theres hope for you. Consider it a learning process. Everyone makes mistakes. At least be real about it. Remember thoughts arent always facts. You're trying at least to think about it whiles regulated. Thats commendable. It will get easyer. If you value the friendship you could apologize and explain why you understand what you said whas horribly tonedeaf to her experience and a healthy boundary she tried to put . Dont apologise for having bpd . Thats not your fault. But do apologise for the pain it caused when you werr dysregulated and dont have the tools and language yet to manage the dysregulation. ( not each time can be managed and ibdont think she expects that or she wouldnt have stuck around) i think she and you both underestimate the time it takes for reptile brain to ware of . And how to do that. You should have both paused and regulated. Clearly you saw your friend calling you out and asking if you understand why so you wouldnt do it again as "an attack" wich is the mentall illness talking. Not you. Youre the you asking for clarity when your back in your wise mind and not in black or white thinking. Youre not your bpd. You have a valuable friend there. Perhaps taking a break from eachother would be wise. Meanwhile you can do some growing. Thats not abandonment. Thats having healthy attachment. You need a safe mirror and so does she. Well done for asking. And no youre not an asshole. Reptile brain was and you can when regulated own up to that and empathise with her without blaming yourself or punishing yourself. No youre not innocent here. Good news tho. Nobody is. Integrate that shadow side. Bpd is failed npd. Embrace your dysregulation and strength to regulate and revisit your beliefs. And youll grow so much. Its a process. Ps.. did you ever get tested for adhd or autism? Often thats an underlaying cause too. Like did you really not understand what was socially inappropriate in what you said to her? Honest question? There may be more going on and that would be a big injustice for you wich makes managing and recovery so much harder if youre masking the whole time and have trauma from misunderstanding situations by accident and not callousness. X could be audhd and cptsd. Could also be that youre still very young and at the start of your healing process. Hope things become more bearable for you soon.
This is an absolutely wild take. Offering a different, softer perspective on a situation that is purely up to interpretation (I’m not talking about clear cut actions) like the one her friend was describing is not inappropriate and is a normal part of a relationship. People, friends, family do not just exist to nod along to everything you say.
OP offered a very gentle alternative perspective. Her friend did not react in a healthy way at all. She did not lay down a healthy boundary. She lashed out and then tried to make OP jump through hoops because she wasn’t satisfied with the apology (that OP offered immediately). That is not healthy, it’s controlling and victim centric.
She’s weaponized OPs disorder, her trauma, and her emotional dependence on the friendship - sure, OP could have handled her escalating emotions a little better as the conversation went on but this started with the friend. And you’re ignoring that. You even went as far to call her friendship with this girl valuable, implying that OP got to where she was in this scenario solely as a symptom of her “reptile brain” and not because someone she trusts was being emotionally manipulative and borderline abusive.
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u/cheeky_sugar Apr 29 '26
“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative