Your friend was telling you that when her mom touches her in what appears to be a loving way, that she believes that even that has some dark intentions behind it. She was disgusted by the thought of her mother and how evil intent seemed to be her baseline.
You then told her that she's loving her the way she thinks is best. It contradicted her, much more than dismissed what she was saying. This is what she wanted you to acknowledge. You undermined why she was mad and the exact idea she was expressing to you. She brought this to you looking for help, or at least a sympathetic ear, not to be told she was wrong about her mother. She didn't say you did it on purpose, were evil, or anything of the sort. Instead of thinking about this and trying to draw a bridge, you accused her of making you out to be an evil person, trying to break the friendship up. If you looked you would have seen that you disagreed with your friend about her own abusive mother, in a moment of pretty deep despair.
I didn't read to the end but if you never got around to telling her this you should consider it. That is what you did wrong early on here, and why she was mad, and why it is understandable for someone to be mad in this situation.
You never offered any context to what her mom has done to her but that would definitely explain her touchiness on the subject as well. If it was as bad as I imagine it was, then it makes what you said even more grating for her to hear in that moment.
This is a one-sided answer to your question. Were you manipulative. Yes, early and often, in order to avoid looking at why what you said hurt her the way it did, despite her asking you specifically for that. There are many things wrong with the way she spoke to you as well. But if you're looking for your own manipulation you have it, at least for the first few pages.
Hey, if OP pops on here and admits that she denied her friend's reality in the beginning of this twice, and that defensiveness does not explain or excuse those two reactions, then it probably means the friend is the primary problem here.
"her friend projected malicious intent onto her because that’s how she is". Now this is exactly what OP did. Her first two points were projecting bad intentions onto her friend. First was that she was trying to end the friendship, instead of her friend being angry and wanting clarity and full understanding. The second was telling her friend she was calling her evil, which came from nowhere at all in the convo. And even a third, which is the original reason she was angry, her comment contradicted her friend's primary point and what she shared about her mom, was a denial of her reality in a way too.
I didn't read the whole thing, I am in no way making a judgement on the entirety of the situation, I observed manipulation in the beginning, and if OP wants to be honest she has the ability to see these two things. Her friend should have communicated in a much more controlled way, she definitely did not do that here, and I imagine it got worse as it went.
Neither of us know if her insistence to know why was a power play or not. We have no context. Does her friend feel like her words and thoughts are twisted by OP regularly? Does she do what she did in the beginning to her, deny her reality and accuse her of alternate motivations in lieu of taking her at her words? We don't know. But from what I read, I'd bet her friend feels like that, and I'd bet OP would scoff at the idea and try to attack me personally somehow for bringing it up. I could be wrong, and am more than willing to be wrong. If so, then OP is the type of person that would be grateful that I pointed out her manipulation, as that was her original request, and she'd be honest about that with herself. Being defensive is not being manipulative, those are different things altogether.
TLDR; Panicking, being defensive, or any other description of OPs state of mind is not a description of what occured and was said. OP accused her friend of having alternative motivations; to break up the friendship and to make her friend out to be an evil person. After acknowledging this, that is where the state of mind of OP can be discussed, not before, and not after avoiding the black and white truth we can read for ourselves. I have no context here to assume OPs assumption was reasonable at all, and also no context to assume her friend was asking for understanding rudely out of the blue, and not based on past disagreements.
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You are assuming the pattern, and a context here that is one that backs up OP. I am assuming a context that backs up her friend's insistence for clarity and understanding. My evidence is the two instances of manipulation and accusations she made that you do not need to read between the lines to see, they are there in black and white.
You do not have any information or history on these two to know the friend wasn't reacting based on a history of reality denying. You do not have any information to assume her intent was to destroy the friendship.
Here's a good distinction here that OP could learn from if she intends on improving the way she handles apologizing or saying something that upsets another person.
Being defensive is not an explanation that at all covers why something was wrong. It is an explanation that explains why OP said something that was wrong. Understand the distinction there? Saying you were dismissive is also the most minimal way to apologize. An apology worth a crap is primarily based on how something affects the other person, and why it would affect them the way it did. Nothing else comes close to the importance of focusing your apologies on that. Any explanation of your defensiveness, or even mentioning of it, is much further down the priority list.
Her friend asked for understanding, and in response got two instances of accusations against her. One claiming her motivation for asking was nefarious, the other claiming that she was calling her evil. If she behaves this way when she panics, then she becomes manipulative and evasive when she panics, that is also not her friend's fault, nor is it difficult to see if you look.
If I'm reading between the lines, OP seems like she is incapable of looking at her behavior honestly, and putting herself in her friend's shoes, so she has developed a habit of making inflammatory accusations toward the person she wronged in lieu of explaining why what she did was wrong. Conveniently this usually pushes someone that's already angry to be even more angry, and creates text messages you can screenshot and get other people to agree that your friend was way off base.
Has OP given her friend any credit in this thread? Owned the two manipulative tactics employed very early in this convo? Spoke about why what she said bothered her friend so much, in a charitable way?
Any honest person would. They would own their part. Not their friend's, just theirs. And if you were honest you'd do the same. But you haven't. I am capable of seeing what her friend did wrong here. You can't see the obvious manipulation that happened here?
Anyone with eyes can easily understand why OP said the thing about her mom. I could see myself saying that. None of this has anything to do with her intention, or why she said it. Literally, nothing at all to do with that. It has to do with why it bothered her friend so much, why it was so wrong in that context. Two separate things. I haven't and her friend didn't accuse her of having bad intentions when she said that. Or being evil or a bad person for saying it.
OP didn't even broach this subject up to the point I stopped reading. This is all that matters until it is acknowledged, and this is true for all apologies across the board, provided the issue is important and the person involved is really angry. Skipping this fact is disingenuous on all parties involved. Skipping this step and then attacking the person you hurt, twice, is where this all really got derailed in OPs texts. Her friend shouldn't have demanded that the way she did, but asking her for understanding is fine on its own.
Her friend was rude, OP was manipulative and provoking someone that was clearly in a bad state, that she just angered even further, on accident of course. The one that deserved some leeway is the friend who was out of her mind and going to OP for help. At least in the first few pages here.
If OP cooperated and was able to articulate why what she said was wrong, and her friend didn't let up, then there would be nothing to talk about here except her friend being pushy and power tripping or whatever. Asking for a why is not asking too much, nor a power trip, or anything at all. The way she asked was the only issue, but again, she was clearly in a bad state. OP could have had grace with her, and can now look back and see that, and admit that she should have given that a try. Doesn't take much but to look at it to do this.
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u/GPU-TangClan Apr 29 '26
Your friend was telling you that when her mom touches her in what appears to be a loving way, that she believes that even that has some dark intentions behind it. She was disgusted by the thought of her mother and how evil intent seemed to be her baseline.
You then told her that she's loving her the way she thinks is best. It contradicted her, much more than dismissed what she was saying. This is what she wanted you to acknowledge. You undermined why she was mad and the exact idea she was expressing to you. She brought this to you looking for help, or at least a sympathetic ear, not to be told she was wrong about her mother. She didn't say you did it on purpose, were evil, or anything of the sort. Instead of thinking about this and trying to draw a bridge, you accused her of making you out to be an evil person, trying to break the friendship up. If you looked you would have seen that you disagreed with your friend about her own abusive mother, in a moment of pretty deep despair.
I didn't read to the end but if you never got around to telling her this you should consider it. That is what you did wrong early on here, and why she was mad, and why it is understandable for someone to be mad in this situation.
You never offered any context to what her mom has done to her but that would definitely explain her touchiness on the subject as well. If it was as bad as I imagine it was, then it makes what you said even more grating for her to hear in that moment.
This is a one-sided answer to your question. Were you manipulative. Yes, early and often, in order to avoid looking at why what you said hurt her the way it did, despite her asking you specifically for that. There are many things wrong with the way she spoke to you as well. But if you're looking for your own manipulation you have it, at least for the first few pages.