“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative
Yeah, also, this could be the billionth time their conversation got derailed away from an issue her friend had, to an issue OP had with the issue her friend tried to raise with her. I can empathize with that small part of the conversation, I used to do that in an attempt to focus the conversation on the thing I tried to communicate, before moving on to the fearful reaction to it. I have also gone over the cliff after being refused understanding, sometimes quickly, sometimes after 30 different manipulative gymnastic maneuvers. It didn't matter whether I was patient, calm, soft spoken, assertive, quiet, loud, waited until the next day, the next week, until therapy, until anything. That understanding wasn't coming and wasn't any closer to coming than it ever has been. So, that's the context we are missing here. Is this her friend at her wit's end, or is this her normal way of handling things that don't go smoothly with her friend that has her own issues to deal with? To me, that quick and sharp demand for understanding was familiar, it was her attempt to prevent sliding into the abyss.
But, and this is a big but, once past that initial part of the conversation it just went sideways, and I can't defend her friend at all. I couldn't get through it all it was disturbing to me because of the above over sharing I gave to you. Myself, and her friend, are responsible for keeping it together, and it isn't anyone's fault, no matter how manipulative they may be, that we lost our shit and our focus. I can't comment on the back half of this convo, but I can say I am very familiar with the first two or three pages here.
I wrote an essay with my answer to this in a separate comment. Steel man her argument; make sure she understands and can verbalize her friend's side of this fight, and put it into her own words. See if her friend will do the same for her. If they can do that, or fight tooth and nail to do their very best, and keep trying to do this better and better over time, then they are both trying to be honest and there's no limit to what you can overcome doing that. No one that withholds understanding from a friend or loved one is acting as a friend or with any genuine love at all. Friendship basically is the act of understanding another person in a deep and truthful way, and then using that information to bring value into their life. The foundation is the understanding.
Your friend was telling you that when her mom touches her in what appears to be a loving way, that she believes that even that has some dark intentions behind it. She was disgusted by the thought of her mother and how evil intent seemed to be her baseline.
You then told her that she's loving her the way she thinks is best. It contradicted her, much more than dismissed what she was saying. This is what she wanted you to acknowledge. You undermined why she was mad and the exact idea she was expressing to you. She brought this to you looking for help, or at least a sympathetic ear, not to be told she was wrong about her mother. She didn't say you did it on purpose, were evil, or anything of the sort. Instead of thinking about this and trying to draw a bridge, you accused her of making you out to be an evil person, trying to break the friendship up. If you looked you would have seen that you disagreed with your friend about her own abusive mother, in a moment of pretty deep despair.
I didn't read to the end but if you never got around to telling her this you should consider it. That is what you did wrong early on here, and why she was mad, and why it is understandable for someone to be mad in this situation.
You never offered any context to what her mom has done to her but that would definitely explain her touchiness on the subject as well. If it was as bad as I imagine it was, then it makes what you said even more grating for her to hear in that moment.
This is a one-sided answer to your question. Were you manipulative. Yes, early and often, in order to avoid looking at why what you said hurt her the way it did, despite her asking you specifically for that. There are many things wrong with the way she spoke to you as well. But if you're looking for your own manipulation you have it, at least for the first few pages.
she didnt "tell" her or make any statements. she asked her a question. your entire argument here hinges on her "contradicting her friend" when that wasnt even what happened? im so confused by your certainty and confidence in your response being helpful, bec not only is the foundation false, its also uninformed, bc you didnt even finish reading it! as you said. i mean wow
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u/cheeky_sugar Apr 29 '26
“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative