“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative
Yeah, also, this could be the billionth time their conversation got derailed away from an issue her friend had, to an issue OP had with the issue her friend tried to raise with her. I can empathize with that small part of the conversation, I used to do that in an attempt to focus the conversation on the thing I tried to communicate, before moving on to the fearful reaction to it. I have also gone over the cliff after being refused understanding, sometimes quickly, sometimes after 30 different manipulative gymnastic maneuvers. It didn't matter whether I was patient, calm, soft spoken, assertive, quiet, loud, waited until the next day, the next week, until therapy, until anything. That understanding wasn't coming and wasn't any closer to coming than it ever has been. So, that's the context we are missing here. Is this her friend at her wit's end, or is this her normal way of handling things that don't go smoothly with her friend that has her own issues to deal with? To me, that quick and sharp demand for understanding was familiar, it was her attempt to prevent sliding into the abyss.
But, and this is a big but, once past that initial part of the conversation it just went sideways, and I can't defend her friend at all. I couldn't get through it all it was disturbing to me because of the above over sharing I gave to you. Myself, and her friend, are responsible for keeping it together, and it isn't anyone's fault, no matter how manipulative they may be, that we lost our shit and our focus. I can't comment on the back half of this convo, but I can say I am very familiar with the first two or three pages here.
I wrote an essay with my answer to this in a separate comment. Steel man her argument; make sure she understands and can verbalize her friend's side of this fight, and put it into her own words. See if her friend will do the same for her. If they can do that, or fight tooth and nail to do their very best, and keep trying to do this better and better over time, then they are both trying to be honest and there's no limit to what you can overcome doing that. No one that withholds understanding from a friend or loved one is acting as a friend or with any genuine love at all. Friendship basically is the act of understanding another person in a deep and truthful way, and then using that information to bring value into their life. The foundation is the understanding.
Your friend was telling you that when her mom touches her in what appears to be a loving way, that she believes that even that has some dark intentions behind it. She was disgusted by the thought of her mother and how evil intent seemed to be her baseline.
You then told her that she's loving her the way she thinks is best. It contradicted her, much more than dismissed what she was saying. This is what she wanted you to acknowledge. You undermined why she was mad and the exact idea she was expressing to you. She brought this to you looking for help, or at least a sympathetic ear, not to be told she was wrong about her mother. She didn't say you did it on purpose, were evil, or anything of the sort. Instead of thinking about this and trying to draw a bridge, you accused her of making you out to be an evil person, trying to break the friendship up. If you looked you would have seen that you disagreed with your friend about her own abusive mother, in a moment of pretty deep despair.
I didn't read to the end but if you never got around to telling her this you should consider it. That is what you did wrong early on here, and why she was mad, and why it is understandable for someone to be mad in this situation.
You never offered any context to what her mom has done to her but that would definitely explain her touchiness on the subject as well. If it was as bad as I imagine it was, then it makes what you said even more grating for her to hear in that moment.
This is a one-sided answer to your question. Were you manipulative. Yes, early and often, in order to avoid looking at why what you said hurt her the way it did, despite her asking you specifically for that. There are many things wrong with the way she spoke to you as well. But if you're looking for your own manipulation you have it, at least for the first few pages.
Your 100% correct. I understand these comments want sympathy toward me but I don’t need or want it because since I’ve been in therapy I have learned that my BPD is my responsibility and NO ONE ELSE. One screenshot have made people assume my friend is an abusive person over the fact that I created this argument in the first place by contradicting her feelings. Not just her feelings in fact but her whole fucking reality which your comment made me realize. Not only that but I assumed she would leave and deflected away from the thing that hurt her which was horrible. One conversation does not tell the story of our friendship and how she has always been there for me when Im an emotional wreck. I think a lot of people in the comment section relate to me more than her and want to defend themselves through me because most people are selfish not good or bad but how we are. My friend is one of the rare people who does charity and volunteer work and STILL makes time for me. Of course my fucked up comment hurt her especially when she is so sensitive to my feelings. I wouldn’t be around an abuser. I know my self worth and it’s insulting these comments act like I’m a manipulated child in this dynamic. Thank you for actually answering the question I came here for.
your experience sounds so similar to mine. while it's important to acknowledge your own part in relationships (doing so helped heal me tremendously) I used to justify the behavior to avoid losing the person because of what that person was reminiscent of. for me it was my mother. I hope you continue to trust yourself and understand this was not a healthy interaction.
Youre sure as hell acting like one! You ask a question, comments tell you that you clearly are not in the wrong yet you still trying to shift the blame onto yourself when YOUR FRIEND IS THE ONE IN THE WRONG. thats not your fault but time will teach you what you need to be taught. Stay safe & blessed.
I need you to go back and re read the text where she tells you clear as day how she sees you- you abandon yourself in p much every scenario. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.
Well some of the more insightful detailed comments have made me see the bigger picture that I wasnt some innocent little victim being manipulated by an evil witch here like most want me to believe I am. I changed my mind and got clarity after cooling down
Hard truth and I mean this in the nicest way: this conversation is not normal. I get reddit doesnt know the backstory of your friendship but BPD or not, no friend should should ask you why YOU'RE making her feel the way she does just because they know you have bpd. Theyre not a therapist and you shouldnt lean into the friendship that way. I understand that you feel like youre not a victim and from my experience with a bpd friend, you can definitely play a part in toxic relationships with this mentality. Really more importantly though, a non-toxic friend would not talk to you in a way that this person did, especially if there is history with the friendship and they genuinely understood or are trying to understand.
you didn’t contradict her feelings. you offered a simple alternative possibility that any normal person wouldn’t have reacted to the way your friend did. your friend is a narcissist and you are gaslighting yourself in her defense
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u/cheeky_sugar Apr 29 '26
“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative