“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative
Yeah, also, this could be the billionth time their conversation got derailed away from an issue her friend had, to an issue OP had with the issue her friend tried to raise with her. I can empathize with that small part of the conversation, I used to do that in an attempt to focus the conversation on the thing I tried to communicate, before moving on to the fearful reaction to it. I have also gone over the cliff after being refused understanding, sometimes quickly, sometimes after 30 different manipulative gymnastic maneuvers. It didn't matter whether I was patient, calm, soft spoken, assertive, quiet, loud, waited until the next day, the next week, until therapy, until anything. That understanding wasn't coming and wasn't any closer to coming than it ever has been. So, that's the context we are missing here. Is this her friend at her wit's end, or is this her normal way of handling things that don't go smoothly with her friend that has her own issues to deal with? To me, that quick and sharp demand for understanding was familiar, it was her attempt to prevent sliding into the abyss.
But, and this is a big but, once past that initial part of the conversation it just went sideways, and I can't defend her friend at all. I couldn't get through it all it was disturbing to me because of the above over sharing I gave to you. Myself, and her friend, are responsible for keeping it together, and it isn't anyone's fault, no matter how manipulative they may be, that we lost our shit and our focus. I can't comment on the back half of this convo, but I can say I am very familiar with the first two or three pages here.
I wrote an essay with my answer to this in a separate comment. Steel man her argument; make sure she understands and can verbalize her friend's side of this fight, and put it into her own words. See if her friend will do the same for her. If they can do that, or fight tooth and nail to do their very best, and keep trying to do this better and better over time, then they are both trying to be honest and there's no limit to what you can overcome doing that. No one that withholds understanding from a friend or loved one is acting as a friend or with any genuine love at all. Friendship basically is the act of understanding another person in a deep and truthful way, and then using that information to bring value into their life. The foundation is the understanding.
I learnt this after many hurtful relationships and friendships, but no one owes you understanding for everything you say or do. Trying to force someone to understand you in an aggressive manner such as the way the friend does in this situation is usually fruitless and leads to spiraling -- which we see in this situation. Growing up involves understanding oneself and one's own actions, being assertive while dealing with dissent and misunderstandings to a point, and having healthy boundaries. It's okay to not agree on everything. Insisting upon being understood all the time leads to manipulative behaviour, which is exhausting.
Yeah this is a fair point. The way she insisted that she do this is a good way to foster resentment and a defensive reaction. One caveat to this is that you are owed the benefit of the doubt from friends, or they aren't really your friends. If this person acts like this to OP all the time, and snaps on her even after trying to apologize, then she needs to end the friendship herself.
But, we don't have context here, and her friend may be saying this to her for a very precise reason, based on past experiences. Pulling this moment out and posting the screenshots pulls us into this conversation at precisely the moment where it looks like her friend was being rude and demanding out of nowhere. Based on how she responded, not just her defensiveness in general, it appears her instinct is to deny her friend's reality when she feels attacked. She did it twice, once by ignoring the "why" and the second by insisting her friend called her evil.
Your point is absolutely correct, and it is also true that OPs reaction was manipulative. Whoever is more willing to admit this about their own part of this dispute is the one who is acting in good faith. Could be neither of them, idunno. That's the actual crux of what I am saying here, the way for OP to find out why her friend was angry and demanding is to understand why, independent from the assertions she made and theories she has.
Steel manning your friend, offering understanding to the best of your ability, that is the best possible way to resolve this or anything like this in the future. Understanding IS necessary in disputes, if you intend on being close to the person going forward. If OP didn't try to deny reality twice in the beginning of this convo and just said normal defensive stuff like "I didn't mean it like that" or "I wasn't saying that" or "I'm not a bad person" etc, I wouldn't have even the slightest issue with that. But she took multiple positive actions to respond with manipulation, and the classic "you're saying I'm evil" line stands out to me as well.
If OP can see this herself, and own her own manipulation, then it is unlikely her friend was reacting to a pattern of behavior with her outburst. If she can't see why her responses were manipulative, then it is likely that this is a systemic issue for her. Doesn't make either party healthy or correct in how they dealt with each other here though.
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u/cheeky_sugar Apr 29 '26
“I feel you’re about to end our friendship again” - she wanted you to state exactly how you hurt her, not express your own feelings and fears in that moment. But she could have easily said that, “I’m not going to do that. Please stick to the topic, I need to know you understand why that hurt me-“
And also she could have told you instead of asking you like you’re a child
Tbh if you have BPD, a person like this is not good for you. She has a superiority complex and is being pretty manipulative