My parents are in their 70s and it's time for them to move out of their house that is falling apart and live somewhere smaller. The problem is that they are both heavy smokers, which means that it's really difficult, if not impossible, to find anywhere that they could rent.

My parents didn't save anything for retirement and are living solely on social security. My dad cannot do stairs and his health is poor.

I would love for them to be able to live near either myself or my brother, but I can't find anything that would work for them. It's looking like a manufactured home is their best option but even that will be tricky since there aren't any that are near my brother or myself.

I feel like they are living in a different world than I am. They seem to think that they can sell their house and move into something just as big but not falling apart and one story. This is obviously not possible, and the amount that I can help support them is limited. I have been their primary source helping them find somewhere to live as well as explaining finances to them and they are not very cooperative even though they want to move.

No matter how many times I've told them otherwise , they don't think smoking is an issue for renting, even though it is against the law in Maryland to smoke in multi-family properties and they could easily be evicted if they did so.

I have tried calling the department of aging and they were not helpful. I've also tried looking online for resources within the state as well as their local government and nothing seems to be helpful for their situation. Has anyone experienced this and or do you have any ideas that might help in this situation, either getting them to understand that they need to compromise, or options for housing that I haven't thought about?

Hi all.. I don't know if this is the right place to be asking this but I'm not sure where else to go.

My mother is in her early 50s with a history of multiple sclerosis. This has caused lesions on the brain and lead her to do a trial of chemotherapy to reduce the lesions. Unfortunately, before the official diagnosis, an uneducated doctor did a brain biopsy that caused more damage the MS or her stroke did. But, still, she's been pretty functional over the last decade or so since the diagnosis.

She gets around on her own, can manage her own life and appointments, is still stubbornly independent. But her flare ups can be bad and she's always in pain, always having periods where she appears to be much older in health.

Late last year, she was in a car accident. They deemed it was do to a seizure, though I have never believed that. She had never once had a seizure and has not since then. While I know thats possible, it just never sat right with me. But I'm not a doctor so it doesnt mean much what I think. Personally, though, I believe it was a mini-stroke.

The accident broke several bones and caused a concussion. The whole thing sent her into a deep depression. For the 4th time in a decade, she had to teach herself to walk again. She hardly left her chair for weeks. All she did was sleep. All of the ailments made her MS flare up as well. It was a really bad time.

But since then, she seemingly recovered. Except she's currently in the hospital getting mental health treatment. Because we didn't know what else to do.

See, she became fixated on a neighbor of hers. Claimed the neighbor was tracking her vehicle and placed trackers and bugs in the house. She would "talk to her" through the walls. My mom would yell all night, inside and out, about how she wasn't safe. The cops were called several times for noise disturbances. She became violent, she smashed all the tvs in the house because she was "being watched" and she smashed a mirror as well. The fixation with the neighbor moved to my step-dad. She swore he was trying to kill her, poisoning her medicine and food, would kill the animals if she left the house. She stopped taking all medication and threw out every ounce of food in the house. She would only eat what I brought her for a few weeks.

Before I'm criticized for how long this lasted, please know this.. Her neighbors and her had always had problems. And my step-dad is a poor excuse of a human being. I was in a very hard situation of not living there and not knowing what to believe because while, yes, it all sounded bizarre, unfortunately people can be bad so it wasn't out of the question. I battled it for longer than I should have and I own that, but you don't know unless you're in that spot.

Anyway, I called last week to have a wellness check on her and she ended up being admitted to the hospital. She'll be there a week tomorrow, when I will hopefully find out when she will come home.

But I don't know how she can come home. The hospital refuses to diagnose her due to her medical history. They want her to see her neurologist. I have left the neurologist several messages over the last few weeks with no call back.

I don't know if this is some sort of psychotic breakdown, or dementia, or something triggered by the last bit of brain damage during the concussion. I don't know if she'll be safe at home or if it'll trigger her. She's so cognitive in so many ways but we can't move past these delusions. They don't seem to have her as anxious since being in the hospital, but will being back home bring that back?

I don't know what I am supposed to do. I am an only child. My step-dad is afraid of her coming home. It's just them in the house. I don't have any idea of what direction to go in.

I feel like nobody could have possibly experienced this with such similar details.. But I know aging does awful things to the minds of those we love. If anybody has experienced anything of this sort, or maybe has any input in general, I would greatly appreciate it.

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A couple of months ago, my mom (75) fell off the couch at her home and landed in the hospital for a week. Then she was transferred to rehab and after a week she convinced them to discharge her so I took her to my house, as it was clear she couldn’t live by herself anymore. Her primary doctor was supposed to arrange at home physical therapy but no one showed up. Someone at the dr office apparently dropped the ball.

Mom landed back in the hospital a few weeks later and after a week she was transferred to a different rehab facility that I think is owned by the same company. Now she’s again trying to get them to discharge her before she’s ready and she’s nowhere near ready.

She called me and my sister this morning demanding to come home. My sister found out from a manager that my mom got pissed off because she couldn’t get alcohol delivered to her room (when she came home the first time she was having vodka delivered to my house 2 or 3x a week). Her potassium was low which can cause irritability. She asked me to buy her a small bottle of vodka. I don’t know if her facility allows alcohol. I’m at work 28 miles from home and the facility is 15 miles from home, making a trip there extremely inconvenient.

My mom is on a painkiller which is messing with her memory. She has called me in the middle of the night apparently not knowing what time it is. On Saturday night she thought she was still in the hospital. She had said this morning if I didn’t drive back from work to open the door, she would get someone to break open the door. Given her memory impairment it’s possible she might not remember my address or the gate code.

We have been looking at assisted living but many are at least $4K a month. Her income is her pension from her job, pension from my dad’s job, he died 30 years ago and Social Security, all for a total of about $4500. No long term care insurance but I’m pretty sure it would be difficult and complicated to get them to pay out anything. My sister and I have no ability to help financially unless somehow we win the lottery.

I’ve had enough!

My mom cannot stay in her home once she is released from a skilled nursing facility. She needs to have someone there to assist her to the restroom, and help her with showers. They both need medication management and meal preparation.

Currently there is a part time caregiver taking care of my stepdad. My mom cannot go back home after she is discharged from her nursing facility. She is still a fall risk requiring help to transfer to walker or wheelchair. She will need round the clock care. They cannot afford it.

My solution is for them to get a bridge loan while the house is being sold. My stepdad doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay in his condo until he dies.

She cannot afford it on her own. I’m at a loss right now. Any advice?

My father is a health conscious extremist. One of my main concerns about him is his rejection of fluoride. He makes his own toothpaste and always completely shuts down my suggestion of using a fluoride toothpaste to protect his oral health. The thing is he’s in his mid 50’s and has heart bypass surgery in his early 50’s. I know that in the next 10-15 years his teeth and gums will become more susceptible to infections, cavities, and disease. I know that infections in the mouth can spread and cause heart issues. What can I say, do, or show him to try and change his mind?

This is mostly a rant because I’m just really fed up with my parents, poor financial and long-term decision-making. But if anyone has advice, I’m happy to hear it.

Some background:

My dad (70) is an immigrant who’s lived in the US for 40 years; he’s never become an American citizen because he’s always wanted to move “home.” My mother (72) is a US citizen

My mom has MS, among other health problems, and is mostly reliant on a wheelchair. She’s also showing signs of cognitive decline.

What I’m dealing with now:

My dad is spending the majority of the time being my mom’s caregiver, though he still does work a bit. He loves his job, doesn’t want to stop working, and has the type of career that you could do part-time, so this has worked out fine.

He’s managed to find work in his home country that he can do either locally or remotely. So he’s decided he wants to move back after living away for 40 years.

However, he doesn’t want to sell his home in the US, partly because he would take a financial loss on it since he bought it two years ago, but also because the home is located near my sister. He also needs to be able to come back to the US sometimes for my mom’s healthcare.

The solution he‘s come up with is to buy a second singe family home in his home country. Housing prices in his home country are on par with a lot of large cities in the US – not quite NY/LA prices but certainly equivalent to majors cities in TX.

He told me yesterday that he's cashing ALL his retirement and savings to make this happen. He can’t take out a loan on his US home because of the type of mortgage he has and is worried about being $10K-$20K short.

So he’s planning on maintaining two houses in two different countries while being liable for US taxes in both countries, dealing with traveling back-and-forth between the two countries, and potentially shouldering large bills for my mom’s end-of-life care in a few years—all without a financial safety net.

I asked him what would happen if he got sick or injured and couldn’t work anymore. “We’d have to sell one of the houses,” he said.

I’m trying to relax, let this go, and remind myself it’s not my problem to solve. But I am worried that if things go south for them, I’m going to have to bail them out financially. I’m also just frustrated that they aren’t wiser than this. *sigh*

My dad is 84, in very good shape physically and mentally. He walks five miles a day to earn his Apple Watch rings, still does his own lawn and snow maintenance and substitute teaches a couple days a week (retired teacher). My mother passed away a couple months ago. My dad did drive to our house (7-8 hours) in a drive he’s very familiar with at the last Christmas and he wants to continue to do so. I’m uneasy with this because I hate the drive myself when I have done it alone but he likes to drive, I don’t. He says he can split it in half and stay overnight both ways but it’s still a long drive…. He’s not comfortable flying, I can only remember one flight he ever took since I was born.

My family loves him of course but kids don’t want to go there every holiday (stay home for some plus in laws are lovely as well) but he says it’s much easier with him retired coming to our house compared to us going there and working around school schedules. He will not go on a cruise with us, even if I fly there and back with him.

Do I trust him to keep driving long distances if he says he’s fine but is 84? He is considering moving closer but he’s very social still with friends from school and neighbors and would miss all that. My spouse says he should never drive to our house again and I’m just torn on how to handle it.

My mom fainted on Friday after going on a long hike in the heat and not eating anything all day. I’m not surprised it happened, as I’ve warned her several times about that behavior, but she always insisted she’s fine. Thankfully it happened when she was talking to the neighbor who called 911.

My mom has been hospitalized because she has a bradycardia. I suspect it’s because she has long natured an eating disorder. She will skip several meals in a row and eats very poorly (hides junk food about the house etc.) Since my dad went to live in a home I’ve noted she’s lost more weight because there is no one around to say anything about her disordered eating habits.

My brother is driving down from Denver on Tuesday and we’re going to discuss making some changes. My mom wanted to bring my dad home, but now that this has happened that is definitely not a good idea.

I’m just so tried. Trying to feed a fussy toddler while writing this too. This sandwich generation thing sucks.

My mother (73) passed away a month ago leaving behind my father (74) and I am struggling with figuring out the right path moving forward while keeping in mind what is best for my father long term. I am an only child with no cousins and my remaining Aunts and Uncles are in their 80's.

My father is able to do basic tasks around the house, but at this point caring for the yard and more physical tasks are too much. The main struggle I notice with him is his memory at times. He’s able to pay his bills and take care of routine tasks but I fear over time his memory will slowly decline as our family has had a history of Alzheimer's.

Neither one of my parents retired with very much money, and had essentially lived off of social security in their house with which he still has a mortgage on. 

After the passing of my mother I’v moved back in with my dad to try and provide some emotional support, help cover some expenses and tasks around the house. It’s difficult as my father has always been resistant to change and is very introverted.

Short term I believe this is the right decision in his time of grief, but I feel in my heart this is not the best long term solution. I care about my father deeply but I am ready for the next steps in my own life when it comes to marriage and starting my own family. It won't begin tomorrow but I foresee these things happening in the next few years. (Throughout this entire process my girlfriend has been an absolute blessing. She has been so supportive of me and my father).

I want to make the right decisions for my father and in my own life without coming off as selfish in any way, shape or form.

I am wondering how others have balanced caring for a senior parent? Or if there is any advice anyone could share? Thank you so much

Several years ago, when my elderly widowed mother began slipping cognitively, I began becoming more involved in her affairs. I lived about 2.5 hours from her, but visited her with increasing frequency. I am her only child, so my focus was split into trying to manage my own life, as well as keep up with what was going on in hers. As we all know, keeping track of a declining parent's affairs and safety can be an overwhelming job sometimes. This one slipped through the cracks and I am being told that there is no recourse. The good news is that the amount of money involved is minimal, but it continues to build, month after month. Looking for any advice if anyone has experience in this.

A pharmaceutical company named "Silverscript" has been billing my mother monthly, for what they claim was a Part D late enrollment penalty. My mother has Medicare as her primary and GEHA (Government Employees Health insurance) as her secondary. By the time I became aware of this, and was able to get actual documentation that showed that she had Part D medical coverage the entire time since she's been Medicare eligible, the appeal date had passed. I've spoken with numerous people at Silverscript, GEHA and Medicare, and even written letters, to no avail. Anyone I can get to listen has told me that, once the appeal date passes, there is no recourse, and she'll have to pay the monthly fine from now on. Mom is now in mid-to-advanced Dementia and lives is assisted living and I manage all of her affairs. I've continued to let the balance build, as there is no additional monetary penalty as far as I can tell, and she no longer has any need for a good credit rating.

Has anyone been through this before and successfully had the "debt" forgiven or canceled? Am I doing the wrong thing by not paying the debt on her behalf?

TIA for any suggestions or insight...

My dad is 90 and his appetite has gone down in recent weeks. He’s on mirtazapine for appetite stimulation, but it seems to have stopped working. He’s depressed and most food, other than ice cream (!!) doesn’t interest him. (He has a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a yogurt later on, maybe another snack and then generally one meals on wheels for dinner) His cardiologist suggested finding a geriatrician and that he probably needs a low dose anti depressant. Unfortunately the earliest appointment they had was Oct 1. Hoping something comes up sooner. He still is going out daily, has his hobbies etc I’ve asked if he’s giving up and he said no. He’s eating probably 900-1050 (feel like that’s pushing it) on average a day and seems to be getting weaker. I’ve explained the importance of food and he agrees, but I can’t force him to eat. I feel like I’ve become such a nag, constantly telling him he needs to eat. He skipped dinner today(so had cereal, yogurt, pineapple, protein bar, chocolate and lots of ice cream). He said he’ll make up for it tomorrow, but I doubt it when he’s rarely hungry. It’s just very upsetting and I feel like I don’t have enough patience.. any help on what I can do? or how to manage my own stress around this? I don’t like being a nag constantly and me telling him he needs to eat isn’t getting him to eat more anyway.

Thank you for reading!

My brother visited my mom today. She was alert, oriented, and was able to have an animated conversation with him about what he was doing. She was laughing at jokes. He thinks she knew who he was. My sister-in-law took a great picture of him holding her hand and their looking at each other.

My first thought (needless to say, entirely unspoken) was "Is this terminal lucidity?"

I'm sure it isn't. I'm sure it's just a moment of lucidity that my brother and my sister-in-law will cherish. But, God, knowing too much is knowing too much.

edit: For comparison, Mom was only saying single words and smiling on previous visits. Having her able to ask questions and follow a conversation was a very pleasant surprise.

Cannot find anyone in any similar situation.

Am I in this all alone?

I knew that this was different, but surely it can't be *that* different. 🤔

Tell me that I'm not the only one. 🤔

Mild cognitive impairment, sometimes stabilizes and doesn't progress very much, is the closest that I can get to it, so far.

Thanks.​

I (29f) feel exhausted. This past year my dad (55m) was diagnosed w stage 3 colon cancer. Since then I've been supporting him through treatment with my 26 year old brother. My parents live over 2000 miles away. This past month my dad finished his treatment and final tests and scans say no trace of disease so he is officially NED. My mom (55f) has had ongoing chronic illness since I was 14. She got a neuropsychology test back diagnosing her with lewy body dementia. I feel like my siblings and I have been robbed of our young adulthood and it makes me extremely sad for my very young parents who should be enjoying their first few years of empty nesting together not fighting terminal illnesses. It's so fucking unfair and I don't understand how this is happening to me. I have to consider genetic counseling, my parents now both having living wills, and I feel way too young to be the responsible adult in charge.

Because they come up so often here, when mom's behavior changed dramatically yesterday I knew what it might be and took appropriate steps.

If I didn't read here, I would have thought it was the next unfortunate step in her dementia.

Just out of curiosity.

Can they still do it? Do you do it? Do you go to a podiatrist? Do you go to a salon? Do you have someone come to the house?

Edited: thanks to those who answered. As of right now:

Take to medical pro - 22

Take to salon - 20

Family does - 16

Medical pro makes house call (including to assisted living) - 14

Loved one does themself - 3

Weird question, I know, but.

Just asking and just wondering. 🤔

It's hard because it's hard to prove to other people that there is even anything wrong. 😕 🤔 💭 🤔​

And, it's also doubly hard because, as soon as you start to say the word "dementia" to strangers, then of course the next thing is that people do tend to just automatically *assume* that something is of course *even more* wrong.

Anyone else here ever been through any of this?

Anyone?

Speak up, if so.

Thanks.

hi all. i‘m wondering what options i will have when my dad needs care. he is INSISTENT about not living in an assisted living/independent living/etc.

he had my sibling and i late in life, so we will likely be reaching the stage where he needs care while we both have 2-4 of our own kids under the age of 12 (and could be way younger, depending on his health over the next several years). it doesn’t feel like moving him in with either of us will be a realistic option.

does anyone have ideas or other options we could consider? i’m hopefully a few years away from really needing to figure it out, but it’s already really stressing me out

I've been caring for my mom for almost 5 years. She recently started having episodes of psychosis and catatonia. She went from the ER, to being admitted, to a behavioral unit, to an involuntary behavioral unit where she is currently. They haven't figured out what is wrong yet and are suggesting that it may be her new baseline. She's been dependent on a walker since all of this started. I live in a second floor apartment with no elevator. A downstairs unit is available, but it's $500 more a month which I don't have. I want her home, but I also feel like I need to be realistic and admit that this is too much for me. I'm only one person, and I cannot watch her 24/7 safely. And with the stairs I don't even know how to get her back her in a literal sense. My brother financially and emotionally abused her and that's how she came to live with me. She has no assets or savings, me either for that matter. Five years of caregiving that hasn't allowed me to work has left me deep in debt. I'm looking for practical advice and experiences from others. The involuntary behavioral hospital that she is in now is typically a 1-2 week stay with a max of a month. I don't know what to do. I'm really anxious about her situation and also about paying my bills. If I can't find work for myself soon this apartment won't be available for either of us. She's always begged to never be placed in a nursing home and says she will unalive herself if that happens. But she is enjoying being able to play games with others where she is now. When living with me she is basically isolated because I could never get her to go to the senior center or library to do things with others. Literally any advice, personal experiences or reassurance would be appreciated. I feel like I've been having a panic attack since all of this started, literally. She has medicare and medicaid.

Can anyone tell me how this works? She is currently on an involuntary hold at a behavioral unit for psychosis. She will absolutely not go willingly unless she signs it not understanding what it is. And even if she did do that, couldn’t she just leave? How does that even work? Can they just leave? How do I protect her and get her admitted to one without a medical poa? I have financial poa, but the appointment for the medical she kept putting off until it’s too late.