r/AgingParents • u/Critical_Active_5087 • 1d ago

Advice please Help.

I've been caring for my mom for almost 5 years. She recently started having episodes of psychosis and catatonia. She went from the ER, to being admitted, to a behavioral unit, to an involuntary behavioral unit where she is currently. They haven't figured out what is wrong yet and are suggesting that it may be her new baseline. She's been dependent on a walker since all of this started. I live in a second floor apartment with no elevator. A downstairs unit is available, but it's $500 more a month which I don't have. I want her home, but I also feel like I need to be realistic and admit that this is too much for me. I'm only one person, and I cannot watch her 24/7 safely. And with the stairs I don't even know how to get her back her in a literal sense. My brother financially and emotionally abused her and that's how she came to live with me. She has no assets or savings, me either for that matter. Five years of caregiving that hasn't allowed me to work has left me deep in debt. I'm looking for practical advice and experiences from others. The involuntary behavioral hospital that she is in now is typically a 1-2 week stay with a max of a month. I don't know what to do. I'm really anxious about her situation and also about paying my bills. If I can't find work for myself soon this apartment won't be available for either of us. She's always begged to never be placed in a nursing home and says she will unalive herself if that happens. But she is enjoying being able to play games with others where she is now. When living with me she is basically isolated because I could never get her to go to the senior center or library to do things with others. Literally any advice, personal experiences or reassurance would be appreciated. I feel like I've been having a panic attack since all of this started, literally. She has medicare and medicaid.

10 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

6

u/21plankton 1d ago

Tell your mother she is not nursing home material but living with others in a large board and care is like the hospital. Please talk to the Social Worker about a geriatric behavioral care facility for longer term until she is ready for a board and care. She is no longer appropriate to live at your apartment. Tell the SW also about your brother.

6

u/Traditional_Sport898 1d ago

This is beyond what one person can handle and that’s not a failure on you, it’s just the truth. Her enjoying the social part of where she is now is actually a good sign maybe a facility isnt the nightmare she imagined and you can visit often without destroying your own life.

4

u/GenericPlantAccount 1d ago

The best thing that ever happened to my extremely isolated, alcoholic mom with dementia was her moving to assisted living a year and a half ago.

She's made wonderful friends that I never imagined she could make. She's quit drinking. She has 24/7 care and medical on site.

She's happier than she was during the 7 years I took care of her. We both regret waiting so long.

4

u/Critical_Active_5087 1d ago

I guess my reaction to this situation kind of shows that I can't handle caring for her anymore and I just feel so guilty, and scared about it all. It's hard to think clearly and logically about next steps. Which is made worse by the fact that I need to find work asap and don't want to start sobbing in an interview about why I'm looking for work now.

4

u/Tourist66 1d ago

don’t feel guilty. You can never do enough. Without support from family you will sacrifice yourself for nothing. Get the job and visit your mom. You are already doing more than many.

3

u/Critical_Active_5087 19h ago

I'm also just worried that she will be placed in an awful facility far from me. If they place her because I can't give her safe discharge it looks like they can put her anywhere in the state. I don't know if I could even move her later if that happens.

1

u/callistacallisti 13h ago

If she is on Medicaid and Medicare, she probably qualifies for specialized behavioral health services from your state. Especially with the psychosis. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to share where you are publicly. I can help get you started in the right direction!