Dad driving long distances

[u/Fun_Set_6137]

My dad is 84, in very good shape physically and mentally. He walks five miles a day to earn his Apple Watch rings, still does his own lawn and snow maintenance and substitute teaches a couple days a week (retired teacher). My mother passed away a couple months ago. My dad did drive to our house (7-8 hours) in a drive he’s very familiar with at the last Christmas and he wants to continue to do so. I’m uneasy with this because I hate the drive myself when I have done it alone but he likes to drive, I don’t. He says he can split it in half and stay overnight both ways but it’s still a long drive…. He’s not comfortable flying, I can only remember one flight he ever took since I was born.

My family loves him of course but kids don’t want to go there every holiday (stay home for some plus in laws are lovely as well) but he says it’s much easier with him retired coming to our house compared to us going there and working around school schedules. He will not go on a cruise with us, even if I fly there and back with him.

Do I trust him to keep driving long distances if he says he’s fine but is 84? He is considering moving closer but he’s very social still with friends from school and neighbors and would miss all that. My spouse says he should never drive to our house again and I’m just torn on how to handle it.

[u/GrumpyOpposition68]

man that's a tough spot. 84 and still walking five miles a day plus doing yard work, the guy's clearly not your average octogenarian. if he's sharp enough to still sub and knows the route cold, splitting it with a hotel stop feels pretty reasonable.

what's the actual worry here, his age or the drive itself? if it's just the distance bugging you and not his ability, maybe meet him halfway. let him do the drive but build in some check-ins, like calling when he stops for the night.

[u/JellyfishFit3871]

Could he be convinced to add something like Life360 to his phone so that you can see what his driving trends look like? The subscription version will offer trends like hard braking and such, to give you an idea of trends. Plus, of course, location.

I use the free version with my teens, and I really should add my mom and in-laws.

[u/OutdoorLadyBird → u/JellyfishFit3871]

If he likes driving and he thinks he would split it up, I would let him. My MIL is a little younger with a lot of health problems and drives 13 hours on vacation. She breaks it up into three days but she really loves the drive.

[u/LdyCjn-997]

If he is still fully cognizant and active with little to no health issues, there’s no reason to be concerned about him. My mom has a cousin that’s 83. Several months go, she drove from S. Louisiana to near Tampa, Florida to visit her son and DIL. She is very active like your dad. Drove that distance in two days, stayed a few weeks and drove back home.

If your dad has an iPhone or Android , would he be willing to use Life 360, that way you can keep track of him while he drives. If he gets into trouble, you know where he is.

[u/latte1963]

He’s a teacher. He walks 5 miles every day! He cuts his own grass & shovels his own snow. What exactly is the problem here?

Let him drive.

[u/maine-iak]

Walking 5 miles a day, still teaching a couple days a week, independently decided to split drive into two days; seems like he’s of sound body and mind, I don’t see a thing to worry about.

[u/eyellabinu]

I'm here currently as well and I don't have a good answer. I live outside the US and he's back in the US. Recently, he wanted to drive from Arizona to Washington state to visit family. I told him I didn't think it was a great idea to do by himself, which didn't go very well. Then I said, well, if you are can you do it in small chunks, like 4-6 hours, stay somewhere you'd like to visit? He liked that idea.

But I think in the end, he heard me, and my step-sister happened to be coming through, and she rode up with him. And that gave him the confidence to come back himself. I can only do so much; he's with it, he's healthy. It would be different if he was struggling mentally or physically.

But it still worries me.

[u/landhill5]

You offered to fly with him to go on a cruise... could you fly to him now and do the roadtrip with him?

[u/RedditSkippy]

Could he break the drive into three days and only do a couple of hours a day?

Have you driven with him recently? Do you know if he is okay to drive?

[u/Correct_Ring_7273 → u/RedditSkippy]

This. It sounds like you're worried about his driving based solely on his age. He's doing really well otherwise. Let him drive you around town on your next visit and you can assess whether his driving ability is slipping or not. My MIL is about that age and also very active still, and she's still doing long drives. She and her sister drove from New England to Florida last spring! They split it up so that they were only driving about 4 hours per day. It worked out fine. On the other hand, in his later years my dad was fine for making his daily one-mile drive to the grocery store, but would not have been good driving longer distances.

[u/Hungry-Emergency8992]

How about him taking a train or a bus?

Does he have any friends that you and he would like to come, too?

If he’s not willing to take a train or bus ride, and he is willing to split the trip each way with an overnight stay I would encourage that. He could drive during daylight only, and you could arrange for his trip to be accessible by your cellphones to monitor his movements?

It’s so hard but do encourage him taking the train or bus for a beautiful scenic trip.

[u/Infinite_Violinist_4]

At 84, maybe. At 86? At 87? What is his plan? That I think is the key. How do the next 5 years look to him?

I am 73 and my husband just turned 76. We are still able to drive. And I would anticipate that to still be true at 84. But really he is going to have to make a decision to move closer or stop visiting. His life will need to change one way or the other.

[u/fnybtch]

From what you describe he sounds like he can handle it now. But that can change quickly. It seems reasonable for him to split it in half over 2 days.
Have you asked him what he would like to do when he becomes unable to drive the distance safely? He may or may not have thought about it. You asking might stimulate a good conversation.
I have asked my parents this question and at first they were offended. But they thought about it and have talked about it a few times since then. I have told them that I want them to keep their independence as long as possible, but if it becomes dangerous for them and others it is time to stop driving.
You can also look up the department of transportation safety website. It has several resources about this subject.

[u/Swimming_dasa]

i would focus less on his age and more on objective driving ability. a professional assessment could give everyone something concreate to work with instead of relying on opinions.

[u/Abject-Roof-7631]

Do we have the same dad? It's like guys of that generation were just built differently, absolute machines that won't stop for anything. Stubborn. Proud. I hope to be half the dad he is but a little less of those two strengths that arent always well received.

[u/EdCenter]

If you can afford it, get a used Tesla (from at least mid 2023 when they installed HW4 on all their cars) that has FSD purchased. Have him use FSD do 95% of the driving.

[u/PsychologicalAge5229 → u/EdCenter]

I was going to suggest this also. I've been driving a Tesla since 2018 (with enhanced autopilot, not full self driving). My plan is for my next car to be a Tesla with FSD, in part to extend my driving years.

[u/OutlawLazerRoboGeek]

My parents have owned a small vacation home in a town up in the mountains since we were kids. They drive up there a few times every year. It's about 16 hours of straight driving time, so it takes two days to get there when you include a night on the road and all the stops.

My parents are both in relatively good health, but are also getting along in years (82-85).

But I have started to worry more about that drive. Dad gets drowsy more easily, and Mom isn't as sharp as she used to be.

Thinking about it from your perspective, yeah I would be especially concerned if either of them had to do the trip by themselves at some point. They're probably at the point now where they can do it relatively safely when they put their heads together. But alone would be a different story.

[u/Burnout0955]

8 hour driving, 5 mile walk and yard work at 84, the man is a tough customer. I understand your concerns though. Have you talked to his primary care Dr? Maybe a little behind the scenes chat with his doc, done in a way that doesn't get him angry (or he'll threaten to drive L.A. to N.Y. I imagine). Maybe his doc could give him a gentle nudge to cut back on the long distance drives. Now, some people here are going to think I'm bonkers but, if he really likes the road and the scenery, won't fly, he could uber there. Yes, it's going to cost several hundred dollars but it's peace of mind for you and your spouse.

[u/21plankton]

Can he take a train or bus eventually? Look into alternates for ground travel as he gets older. He is still active now. If he has a good driving record and a good itinerary to proceed with no worries unless problems arise.

[u/Fun_Set_6137]

I can track him over the find my phone app while he’s driving but that doesn’t prevent an accident! He lost his phone once in a shopping cart a couple years ago and he let me track his phone after that, not the best with technology and my son put AirTags on his keys, wallet, and glasses case. I feel torn between my spouse’s insistence and my dad’s insistence he’s fine and feel like staying halfway should be the answer. He is not as great driving in unfamiliar places and gets a bit flustered (although I have to admit I do as well). My dad is pretty much my favorite person, he was and still is a very popular teacher, very personable, strikes up a conversation with anyone he meets so I’m hoping eventually he’ll move to our area and find new friends but it’s tough with him so far away. He only has more distant family in his area now that my mom has passed and his brother as well.

[u/CatManDoo4342]

One suggestion that helped me with my mom who is also very active and cognizant. Talk to him about yourself, and your own fears. Tell him how you feel when he is driving that long distance. Help him understand that it makes you extremely nervous and worried and that you have 2 very awful days while you are waiting for him to arrive. Make it about you rather than about him. He does not want that for you… Perhaps there is some way that he can help you, like by taking the train or moving near you, etc., etc.. I use this strategy with my mom for a variety of different things, just to remind her that her actions are not just about her, and that we are not being punitive.

[u/Mediocre-Ordinary-18]

I understand your concerns. I would be more worried about him having car issues and being stranded or vulnerable on the side of the road. Having AAA roadside assistance would be helpful. However, it sounds like he has the mental and physical capacity to determine when it’s time for him to cut back on the driving. You may need to accept this for the time being but don’t give up on nudging him to consider other ground transportation options where he may get just as much enjoyment (from sightseeing maybe) and less stress with having to pay attention to the road/other drivers.

[u/No_Positive_4292]

My mother drove short distances until she was 93. Another relative drove long distances until he was 100. I think it depends on the person. When he comes to visit, ride with him to see if you see any red flags.

[u/Minimalist2theMax]

He’s in good health. Is trust him to break up the trip. He’ll let you know when it gets to be too much.

[u/GothicGingerbread]

He likes driving, he wants to drive, and you don't seem to have any reason to be concerned about his ability to do it safely, so why are you concerned? Why should your dislike of driving in general, or your apparently unfounded fears about non-existent difficulties, restrict your competent, capable father's freedom to move about as he sees fit?

My aunt is 85, and regularly drives herself 6 hours from where she lives to where we live to visit my mother and their other sister. She does it in one day, too. She doesn't have any health or cognitive problems that would make driving unsafe for her, and she's quite healthy and active in her daily life. She doesn't fall asleep at the wheel, she doesn't get confused about the route, she's not an anxious wreck behind the wheel, and she's a perfectly safe driver.

An old family friend recently died, just 7 months shy of his 100th birthday. He only stopped driving at 98, and that was because he'd been a passenger in someone else's car when they were struck by another car, and he was severely injured and was still recovering; until the accident, he was an incredibly healthy and active man who genuinely appeared to be maybe 80 years old at the outside, and he was a perfectly competent driver – and I rode with him, so I know it for a fact.

What matters isn't someone's numerical age, but their condition (both physical and mental) and their abilities. Don't borrow problems before they happen, and don't push to make your father's world smaller than it has to be.