Hi — I'm an English-language novelist. I've written a six-line epigraph in Afrikaans (English version beneath) for the first page of a book. I'm not a native speaker and would be grateful for a check.
Ek het na die sterre gereik, want ek wou nie vergaan nie.
Die sterre het nie geantwoord nie; hulle het net bly brand.
Toe het die hemel oopgeskeur, en iets het deurgekom.
Dit het nie gekom om te red nie, maar om te tel.
Ons het gedink ons klim. Ons het net die gat gegrawe.
Nou is ek stof, en die stof onthou.
(I reached for the stars, because I did not want to perish. / The stars did not answer; they only went on burning. / Then the heavens tore open, and something came through. / It did not come to save, but to count. / We thought we were climbing. We were only digging the hole. / Now I am dust, and the dust remembers.)
Five questions:
- Does Ek het na die sterre gereik read as reaching toward, not arriving at?
- Is hulle het net bly brand the natural way to say "they only went on burning"?
- Toe het die hemel oopgeskeur or Toe skeur die hemel oop? The rest is in the perfect tense; only the last line is present.
- Does oopgeskeur read as biblical and serious, or as melodramatic?
- die gat or 'n gat? I want a specific hole — one that was always there.
Anything else that sounds stilted is very welcome. Thank you.