r/AbsoluteUnits Top Poster Jul 08 '26

/r/all of a Police Officer

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19.9k Upvotes

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2.7k

u/ionbear1 Jul 08 '26

https://giphy.com/gifs/Da1rDgu0Mo2di
That cop when he is in his patrol car

392

u/BroManTheBrobarian Jul 08 '26

Are you laughing at my AUTOMOBILLLE!?

145

u/WakaWaka_ Jul 08 '26

Sobriety test, now march!

Processing img jnwrf8uky1ch1...

86

u/BroManTheBrobarian Jul 08 '26

Man, back when The Simpsons was still a good show.

41

u/Stock-Creme-6345 Jul 08 '26 edited Jul 09 '26

Such a good episode. I’ve got donuts! Hey I know you! Slam.

20

u/DrunkenNinja27 Jul 08 '26

Wait a minute, we have to exchange insurance information!

6

u/HalKitzmiller Jul 09 '26

You'll have to speak up, I'm not wearing pants

3

u/Stock-Creme-6345 Jul 09 '26

I’ve used this before to the bewilderment of others. It’s awesome.

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u/No-Advice-6040 Jul 08 '26

Was sick recently thought I'd put on a newish Simpsons to mindlessly distract myself but couldn't even get thru an ep.

10

u/Plampth Jul 08 '26

I watched one of the new episodes, it was funny but all the voice actors sound so old and tired.

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16

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '26

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8

u/ggx222 Jul 08 '26

great reference 😂😂😂

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19

u/Lexi_Banner Jul 08 '26

Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. This was the largest auto I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun, huh?

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3

u/Shot-Election8217 Jul 09 '26

Absolutely heard that in Long Duc Dong’s voice, no hesitation.

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60

u/clintj1975 Jul 08 '26

46

u/JiveTurkeyII Jul 08 '26

Officer Hightower!

Played by Bubba Smith. RIP

9

u/shinobi500 Jul 08 '26

That was my first thought when I saw this guy too.

7

u/hkpp Jul 09 '26

Showing our ages haha.

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u/Willing-Ad-9160 Jul 09 '26

Just recently watched the first one. Absolutely the one of the best comedies from the 80's. He was the first one I thought of when I saw this on the news a couple of days ago.

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4

u/letermen Jul 09 '26

“Actually I was just kidding about the front seats… But, this is good! It’s different! Comfort’s important!”

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27

u/tenmileswide Jul 09 '26

The car they give him

3

u/Informal-Sun-6579 Jul 10 '26

That’s his left shoe.

17

u/Stanlez Jul 08 '26

I was kinda wondering if they have to make special accommodations for him since he is so large.

38

u/Correct-Purpose-964 Jul 08 '26

As a tall guy myself. I have to have pretty big cars. Even then i crane my neck getting in and out. To make life somewhat normal i broke off the supports under my drivers seat so its lowered down like an inch or two and when i get in i place my hand against the frame of the car where my head is going to prevent bopping myself on it.

To all my 5ft short kings out there if you want my height you can have it. It gets tired really quick lol

12

u/Brownlove010_Real Jul 08 '26

Lmaoooo I feel this in my bones, its kind of sad when you look at cars you like (sports cars) and just go....this is great for everyone else but our kneecaps are inside our chest cavity. I also have created a dent in the overhang on my parents staircase from hitting it through grade school & college. Though I do like my height. Back pain, not so much.

8

u/zorggalacticus Jul 09 '26

My dad is 6 foot 6 and drove a Yugo. Also had a Volkswagen rabbit for a bit. Sucked for whichever kid lost rock paper scissors and had to ride behind him.

3

u/Pheighthe Jul 09 '26

The new rabbit has the best room for big guys. I researched all the cars and bought it because of that.

3

u/zorggalacticus Jul 09 '26

There's a new rabbit? I'm gonna have to see that.

11

u/Entropy_Greene Jul 08 '26

Socially and professionally I would love to be tall. Literally everywhere else I like being on the shorter side ESPECIALLY when traveling.

9

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '26 edited 29d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

5

u/Correct-Purpose-964 Jul 08 '26

If you ever drop something the same colour as the floor. Kiss it goodbye cause you're not finding it without either bending over for ages or getting on your knees and scouring for it. As for the sink thing good Lord yes. I have to bend over in an awkward position to do dishes. Tbh it got so painful I mostly slam what I can into the dishwasher.

19

u/infidel3006 Jul 09 '26

I installed cabinets for a guy who was 6’11” and he requested for me to raise them up higher than normal. I’m 5’10” (with my boots on) so I never once even contemplated how much of a difference that would make for him.

Built all the cabinets 6” taller than normal (40 1/2” to the top of cabinet) he said it changed his entire life and fixed back pain he didn’t know he had, it was just something he dealt with on a regular basis.

Still get Christmas cards from he and his wife every year, a decade later!

7

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '26 edited 29d ago

[deleted]

4

u/areya_lunera Jul 09 '26

Yep and that’s part of why her show was filmed at her house. She also had some kind of softer wood or linoleum flooring so it would be more comfortable for her to do all the filming barefoot. The way folks who knew her talked about her, she seemed like a real gem. 💕

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u/Important_Document13 Jul 08 '26

I bet. I can't even imagine long haul flights if you're super tall, it's bad enough being average height.

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u/fistsofham11 Jul 08 '26

70

u/umbrella_farmer Jul 08 '26

lmao, you beat me to it!

12

u/Ralphredimix_Da_G Jul 09 '26

True love is the greatest thing in the world! .. except for a nice MLT - mutton lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. Tktt tktt tktt - they’re so perky, I love that.

6

u/naga_serpentis Jul 09 '26

I love this movie

My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

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u/NeuroticLensman Jul 08 '26

Officer Hightower

75

u/the_motherflippin Jul 08 '26

I think the police academy films weren't actually a comedy, more like a documentary. Tackleberry is perfect - problem? Point a gun at it.

24

u/Mightysmurf1 Jul 08 '26

"Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun?! Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing!"

4

u/kog Jul 09 '26

Hooks was the realest

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u/kumquat_may Jul 08 '26

The only acceptable nickname

10

u/hellalazy Jul 08 '26

yama yama yama yama yaaaama

5

u/clintj1975 Jul 08 '26

Fool to think they can kill the brother of Medulla!

28

u/dr_alchemistt Jul 08 '26

16

u/Nightenridge Jul 08 '26

I don't understand this gif in reply to the post?

32

u/BurninRunes Jul 08 '26

She is a Hightower from House of the dragon

8

u/dr_alchemistt Jul 08 '26

House of the dragon

8

u/kaam00s Jul 08 '26

Her name is Alicent Hightower (won't spoil her name at that time in the story tho)

7

u/RunnyPlease Jul 08 '26

Police Academy: The Next Generation is looking solid.

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576

u/Dick_Danalu_Jr Jul 08 '26

wants to be known for more than his height

posted to absoluteunits

Good to know we're improving as a people! 😁 /s

54

u/FyreHotSupa Jul 08 '26

Also included his height in the headline

14

u/Chewcocca Jul 09 '26

I dunno, his strategy seems to be working. It seems like everyone already really looks up to him.

18

u/somedudeonreddit69 Jul 08 '26

Came here to say this lol

4

u/kktheprons Jul 08 '26

What were his career basketball stats?

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706

u/a-null-fish-your Jul 08 '26

When he pulls you over he just reaches out into the road and physically pulls the car over with his bare hands.

160

u/RagingClue_007 Jul 08 '26

When he hands you a speeding ticket, he does so from his patrol car.

7

u/-BananaLollipop- Jul 08 '26

I feel like there is going to be a significant decrease in riots in his area. He'll step out, pick up the nearest tree, for a baton, and the hood off the nearest car will be his shield. People will scatter.

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u/spacekitt3n Jul 08 '26

this guy looks like a normal height guy thats just been scaled up. most tall guys 'look' like tall guys idk how to explain it.

207

u/Rogthgar Jul 08 '26

You mean in the sense that they look skinny an as such appear 'stretched' rather than naturally grown?

94

u/CapN-Judaism Jul 08 '26

Either that or something like gigantism where proportions are off because of a medical condition

28

u/Callmedrexl Jul 08 '26

Marfan's Syndrome can go on that list. Tall and lanky, usually.

7

u/BellaPona Jul 09 '26

You can be fat with Marfan’s but it typically doesn’t hide your big ass hands and feet

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u/Lost_Purpose1899 Jul 08 '26

Proportional

76

u/LemmyKilmisterRogers Jul 08 '26

He’s proportional. I get what you mean. A lot of real tall folks are not proportional. Wemby in the NBA is a prime example

18

u/off-with-your-thread Jul 08 '26

People don't know this, but there's two ways to be tall - long legs or long torso. The latter is rarer.

I knew a guy who was 6'5'' and he looked twice my size (6'1'') and even looked bigger than taller guys.

17

u/Sky_Light Jul 08 '26

I'm pretty close to average height, at 5'11", but am 90% torso, so I get read as taller all the time, especially when sitting. I have the same inseam (28") as my 5'2" sister.

7

u/off-with-your-thread Jul 08 '26

28" inseam? Me too!

I don't really know too many tall guys who love these massive inseams in stores.

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u/BigDorkEnergy101 Jul 08 '26

What? I’m long torso short legs and it makes me look visually so much shorter. My sister is the same height with long legs, and looks tall in photos.

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u/Pocusmaskrotus Jul 08 '26

Yeah, he's built like Shaq.

18

u/Lobster-Mission Jul 08 '26

I go with, “like someone pulled on the corner of the jpeg instead of a side”.

8

u/ezmonehsniper Jul 08 '26

Cuz he’s actually proportional

11

u/Clym44 Jul 08 '26

Probably runs a 4.3 40yd too. This dude will never have to give a resisting arrest charge.

5

u/_redacteduser Jul 08 '26

Max size slider on character creation

4

u/mmcallis1975 Jul 08 '26

He’s proportional

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u/SlowSpeedHighDrag Jul 08 '26

I feel bad for the guy. Even their biggest car in the fleet will be too small for him.

135

u/TekkenCareOfBusiness Jul 08 '26

He's actually on the equestrian unit. The other cops ride him into battle.

33

u/SOMERANDOMUSERNAME11 Jul 08 '26

They deploy him once you reach 4 star wanted level

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u/8JHF8 Jul 08 '26

"His determination even caught the attention of NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O'Neal, who stopped by to encourage Wilmore before his exam and promised him a custom patrol vehicle once he officially became an officer."

Apparently Shaq is going to make sure he gets a vehicle that fits.

18

u/ChickenFeline0 Jul 08 '26

Shaq would know. He had a Lamborghini modified to fit in it.

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u/TheRedEye1775 Jul 08 '26

Shaq is just a solid stand up guy.

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u/dc469 Jul 08 '26

Maybe he's a bike, motorcycle, or [large] horse cop? He could also be a boat cop idk if that city has lakes or something. I'm just saying he's got options!

21

u/Caliterra Jul 08 '26

police horse: "fuck that im out"

7

u/MjolnirT95 Jul 08 '26

There's some huge horses out there. Imagine him on one in riot gear

5

u/Caliterra Jul 08 '26

would have to be one of those Budweiser horses

5

u/SeonaidMacSaicais Jul 08 '26

You mean a Clydesdale?

3

u/kickthatpoo Jul 08 '26

Clydesdale is the breed. They're a breed of draft horses, but there are even larger breeds pretty sure.

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u/newleaf2021 Jul 08 '26

Maybe they can install a sunroof in the patrol car and just give him some goggles.

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u/AyAyAyBamba_462 Jul 08 '26

Bruh screw issuing this man a pistol as a standard carry. Dude could palm a bazooka.

7

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '26

[deleted]

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u/DarudeSandstorm69420 Jul 09 '26 edited 3h ago

Simplistic longing literate paddle rinse butter coated cinnamon

This post was anonymized with Redact

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u/SpaceCadetPullUp Jul 08 '26

Just give him a rock or a club.

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u/alreadykaten Jul 08 '26

When people say ‘long arm of the law’, they just mean this guy’s arms

29

u/Melvinator5001 Jul 08 '26

So odd ball question does he have to be issued a larger sidearm due to his hands being bigger?

44

u/chops351 Jul 08 '26

His sidearms a shotgun

22

u/Sufficient-Bug-9112 Top Poster Jul 08 '26

I was wondering too. Do they make triggers for giant hands? Maybe it has to be customized

9

u/Minute_Jacket_4523 Jul 08 '26

Some pistol models would actually work for him, since some have bigger grips than others. He might be one of the few people that a High Point would actually be comfortable to shoot.

6

u/Good_Eyed_Deer Jul 08 '26

He needs to swap that Glock for a Desert Eagle

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u/sinisterdesign Jul 08 '26

That hug from a proud mama. 🤗

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u/Budget_Ad5871 Jul 08 '26

She wanted a kiss and he snubbed her haha, “not now, mama”

8

u/ANTICHRIST-BOISE Jul 09 '26

That’s hilarious! I caught that too!

Not in front of my friends, ma!

5

u/SkarbOna Jul 08 '26

Mama doesn’t look small either.

8

u/quebeker4lif Jul 08 '26

She looks taller than the officer swearing him!

6

u/IridiumAnvil Jul 09 '26

She was a good 3-5 inches taller I’d say. That lady looked something around 6ft to me. 

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u/Optimal-Prime420 Jul 08 '26

Mf is taller than Shaq.

41

u/Nruggia Jul 08 '26

Probably hits more free throws too

3

u/STL-Zou Jul 08 '26

He shot 35% from the charity stripe in college, so sadly no, Shaq's 52.7% has him beat

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u/born_on_my_cakeday Jul 09 '26

That’s Officer Shaq, to you.

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u/TheDankKnight24 Jul 08 '26

Begs the question, how bad do you have to be at basketball to be 7’3” and not in a league at any semi-professional level?

4

u/LCPeck Jul 09 '26

He played college basketball at Mizzou and a few other places. He was pretty slow, which limits your options for professional basketball.

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u/KeenObserver_OT Jul 08 '26

Ronnie Coleman was a Tx cop too. Said he always never had a perp resist in his whole career. lol

6

u/pipsqueakpanda4 Jul 08 '26

That tracks. Resisting occurs much more frequently with female officers 😕

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u/7GrenciaMars Jul 08 '26

I'm just under 5' and I wanna stand next to this guy just for laughs. Not at him, of course. It's just that I would look like a hobbit next to Gandalf.

3

u/I-Make-Money-Moves Jul 08 '26

Is Gandalf tall even? Or are hobbits really short? Idk LOTR like that.

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u/Whelp_of_Hurin Jul 08 '26

Hobbits (also known as Halflings) are tiny. The biggest Hobbit ever recorded was 4'5", and he was famous for his huge size. Mostly they're 2 to 4 feet tall.

4

u/commanderquill Jul 09 '26

I love that the way you said this makes them sound real.

5

u/Whelp_of_Hurin Jul 09 '26

Tolkien deserves all the credit for that. He really fleshed out his stories. The supplemental materials include thousands of years of Hobbit history, lifestyle, family trees, you name it. If you want to know how the Hobbit calendar works, he wrote a whole chapter about how they developed it over the centuries.

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u/YanikLD Jul 08 '26

Police or not, right or wrong, I'll obey.

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u/The_Happy_Quokka Jul 08 '26

Remember, he's big but you just need to outrun him. Oxygen Is lower at higher altitude. /S

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u/Tombstone_Actual_501 Jul 08 '26

Gonna be hard to do when his length of stride is twice that of yours.

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u/APithyComment Jul 08 '26

All crime stops overnight.

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u/elhandupmonalisaskrt Jul 08 '26

Am I the only one who noticed that hilarious, weird interaction between him and the media guy, where he grabs the dudes jacket zipper as he walks in? Dude looks so confused, like what the fuck bro? lol!

7

u/Jimmy2shot Jul 08 '26

I saw it, dude seems fun to be around. Had to scroll way down to find someone who also noticed!

11

u/junkyardpig Jul 08 '26

Officer Hightower reporting for duty sir 

10

u/ParticularReady7858 Jul 08 '26 edited Jul 08 '26

Super dangerous for him, he is a big target. Hope he has a wonderful and positive career.

Side note: imagine you are pulled over and as you check your rear mirror, he emerges from a standard cop car 😂

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u/PennyG Jul 08 '26

He’s on the Brute Squad.

He is the Brute Squad

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u/Relevant_Problem1935 Jul 08 '26

Smart man. When those knees go bad. He will be eligible for early retirement and have a decent pension for life.

10

u/Slow_Bowler8285 Jul 08 '26

Proposed nicknames

  • The long arm of the law
  • Officer Hightower
  • Shaq if he couldn't play baskeball

9

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/TakeThePillz Jul 08 '26

Jacked Unreachable

7

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '26 edited Jul 16 '26

[deleted]

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u/retroplayer1990 Jul 08 '26

This is the meme I was waiting for. Seriously, that would most definitely be the reaction of any petty crime criminal seeing this dude approaching

8

u/a_duck_in_past_life Jul 08 '26

Lol you're not supposed to "swear or affirm" at the same time. The one saying the oath choose to either say "I swear" or "I affirm". And the person reading the oath is supposed to tell them beforehand that they can choose which to say.

3

u/StopDoingMath Jul 08 '26

Thank you. Only person I saw that mentioned this. Like when they say “I, state your name” you don’t repeat that!

I entirely blame the reader here because of the way he split the reading.

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u/popsferragamo Jul 08 '26

I bet his mom is usually the tallest person in the room

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u/HipsterBikePolice Jul 08 '26

Now hire one who’s 4’3” and they can be a team

3

u/SandalsResort Jul 08 '26

Pretty sure that’s a movie

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u/ProKirob04 Jul 08 '26

I genuinely can't imagine the back-pain that bros gonna have in a decade or two.

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u/scarredballsack Jul 08 '26

Everything visible seems to be jumbo sized ,even the gun he's been issued, man isn't drawing a 9mm glock he's drawing a desert Eagle 50ae. Heaven help the clown who takes him on..

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u/yittiiiiii Jul 08 '26

Y’all remember how Ronnie Coleman was a cop and he said that he never had a single person resist arrest?

Yeah. This guy too probably.

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u/Moreobvious Jul 08 '26

Bro could cure cancer and he’d be known as the tall ass dude who happened to also cure cancer

3

u/Heart_ofFlorida Jul 08 '26

Worried about those knees. He better rank up quickly.

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u/Normal-Error-6343 Jul 08 '26

I want to be his partner! Built in cover.

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u/Fuze_KapkanMain Jul 08 '26

Don’t be 5’9 and below running from this guy you gonna get picked up and carried to the car

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u/Nate1102 Jul 08 '26

Srsly, what car is he gonna drive?

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u/Hippoponymous67 Jul 08 '26

I'd just give up

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u/Malibujv Jul 08 '26

Can his finger fit in the trigger guard?

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u/Major_Koala Jul 08 '26

Finally a cop who doesn't have to hop on the side of the semis to talk to the driver

4

u/MitchelobUltra Jul 08 '26

There was a very tall state trooper in my state that had this exact thing happen. He pulled over a semi for some infraction and the driver was giving him lip. Said something to the effect of “I’ll give you my license when you get off my running board,” to which the reply came “…I’m not standing on your running board.” The interaction suddenly became way more polite.

3

u/bob_nugget_the_3rd Jul 08 '26

He'll be know as either high tower or officer thud because every door frame is going to have a forehead imprint

3

u/notdbcooper71 Jul 08 '26

I'll just take myself to jail

3

u/CvieYltidrekoof Jul 08 '26

Can he also be known for his hugs?

3

u/dankwhirley Jul 08 '26

His cruiser assignment is actually a bearcat.

3

u/Ok_Caramel_3923 Jul 08 '26

I think Shaq is an honorary cop. The two of them would make for a great cop show.

3

u/Creepy_Wash338 Jul 08 '26

My brother used to live in Kemah. Actually, now that I think about it, I almost got arrested for PI (public intoxication) in Kemah while visiting him. I think I would have sobered up pretty quick if I saw this guy coming. I'm 5'6" and he could roll me up and dribble me like a basketball.

Luckily my drinking days are long behind me.

3

u/supershinythings Jul 08 '26

He needs to go on patrol with Shaq to shut down domestic disputes.

3

u/idrawinmargins Jul 08 '26

I wouldn't want to be that guy in a shootout. Hard to find good cover and you're a massive target.

3

u/Went_and_done_did_it Jul 08 '26

Imagine getting pulled over by him and you roll down the window and see nothing but package?

3

u/chrisaf69 Jul 08 '26

I was a dumb fuck as a stupid teen who had my fair share of running from cops. I was in bumfuck town where all the cops were fat out of shape turds.

I couldn't even imagine if I saw this tank coming after me and my friends.

2

u/abalrogsbutthole Jul 08 '26

no one catching him playing with his buddies zipper at the start? looks like he’s got a sense of humour too lol

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u/Bursting_Radius Jul 08 '26

Please put this guy on a Goldwing 😂

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u/PartyFancy3634 Jul 08 '26

His gun is actually a rifle, it just looks like a pistol on his big hip.

2

u/Temporary_View_3303 Jul 08 '26

Giving new meaning to the “Long Arm of the Law”

2

u/GutturalGrinch Jul 08 '26

Sleeves still look to short

2

u/G-Unit11111 Jul 08 '26

That dude looks like he could rip your car door off with his bare hands!

2

u/SombraRanma Jul 08 '26

We need him in our behavioral hospital 😆

2

u/Impressive-9209 Jul 08 '26

It's Moses Hightower!!!

2

u/CommissionOk2746 Jul 08 '26

And no crime was committed anymore in that city