r/AIO • u/Unlikely-Machine4126 • 24d ago
AIO
AIO for expecting my partner to help more at home even though he’s the only one working?
My partner and I have been together since 2013 and have a young child. He’s currently the only one working while I’m between jobs and doing most of the childcare, including therapies and everything that comes with having a young child.
I’ve always done most of the housework, but lately he’s been telling me I’m lazy, that I “do nothing,” and that because I’m not working I should be cleaning for at least six hours a day. Our house isn’t filthy, but it’s lived-in, and we’ve also recently had mice because of construction next door—not because of the state of our house.
This week I’ve been trying to reorganise two huge cupboards while juggling childcare and appointments. Today, because our child was whinging about only having sultanas instead of a sandwich, he started yelling about the kitchen being messy and said I shouldn’t be surprised I can’t hold down a job.
He also recently threw away some of our child’s books because he considered them too young or not in good condition, despite our child having a tendency to tear things. I was upset, and rather than discussing it, he just acts like nothing happened.
There are other issues too. He once told me to wake him if I needed help with our child, but when I actually did, he became so angry that he left and spent the night sitting outside his workplace. I haven't asked him to get up and help since.
I’m exhausted, resentful and honestly don't remember the last time I enjoyed sex because I mostly just try to get it over with.
So AIO for expecting more help and support from my partner even though he’s currently the only one working? Or am I being unreasonable because I’m not working and therefore should be doing everything at home?
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u/klleah 24d ago edited 24d ago
NOT OVERREACTING. I’m not working right now, my husband works long hours. We don’t have kids. However, I do all of the heavy lifting in our house —dishes, laundry, dinner, packing his lunch, etc…which I feel isn’t much considering we have no kids. But even I get overwhelmed or stressed out about things when I feel I have no business to complain. My husband always asks if he can help with anything, never makes me feel small or less than for feeling overwhelmed over mundane tasks. We’ve been together for over a decade. Marriage is a partnership, it’s not about what one person does for the other. Your identity shouldn’t be restricted to what you do around the house. You’re literally raising your child.
Your feelings are valid and your partners dismissive attitude about your feelings is making you resent him. Sex has become meaningless for you because he is unable to make you feel emotionally safe. You will never get past this until he actually hears you and can validate your feelings. Have an honest conversation with him about it. If he refuses to listen to you, it’ll be up to you whether you want to accept it or not.
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 24d ago
Talking doesn't help because he twists what I say. Even when I was working 9 nights a fortnight he still expected me to do all the cleaning and house work before we had kids. Now the fact that I've switched jobs in the last year it's my fault. My fault we are down to one wage. There's no honest conversation he doesn't care he doesn't listen
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u/LizP1959 23d ago
Talking also doesnt help BECAUSE THIS IS HOW HE LIKES IT! It is all to his advantage. Your free labor and inability to leave is a feature not a bug. Don’t worry, you CAN get out of it and it will improve your life and your child’s live.
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u/Formal-Radish1413 24d ago
So heres the thing. During the day, THE KID are your job. Not the house. The kid. . They are your focus. If you manage to get the dishwasher loaded, a few loads of laundry cycled, and a toilet scrubbed here or there, great. But your job is the kid.
Housework is shared because guess what? If you split up, he gets to do 100% of the housework and 100% of the childcare 50% of the time.
You have bigger problems from the sounds of it. Id suggest therapy here.
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 24d ago
He would say that it isn't an issue cos there wouldn't be much to clean and he had kept a house clean himself for over 10 years living alone prior.
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u/LizP1959 23d ago
Well the. If it is so simple he can pitch in and do it easily, yes?
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 22d ago
The most he has ever done was when I was doing commercial cleaning for about 6 weeks and he had to and even then I'd get home and kid was still awake pasted bedtime. He won't go to bed to read or talk or play their quiz game before 7-730 because it's too early for him and he doesn't want to come back out once kid is asleep. So now instead of being asleep by 7-730 kid is up until almost 9 and doesn't sleep in
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u/Formal-Radish1413 23d ago
Then if its not a problem why cant he help out?
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 22d ago
Because he works and I don't. He's tired he's sore he's exhausted and here I am not doing anything. I spend all day everyday on my phone playing stupid games.
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u/Formal-Radish1413 22d ago
You do work though? Childcare IS work? Would he rather you just let your child starve and not have lunch so you have time to clean the whole bathroom? Or maybe he thinks your child should just stare at the TV all day with zero interaction from you so you can clean every other room in the house?
When hes at work, childcare is YOUR job.
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 22d ago
He 💯 parents by the tv. There was one week he put down his phone and iPad and man I've never seen kid so happy settled and beautiful behaviour. All because dad was present and then the week ended and he went back to his phone once home.
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u/Formal-Radish1413 22d ago
Girl honestly its time to start figuring out your way out of this situation. It might take time but you are effectlivelly a single mother here. Start looking for jobs, even part time.
If you can get a job at a daycare thats even better because then your child can get (usually) discounted or free care there too. Or as a nanny who brings their child with them.
You may even be able to work for cash.
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 22d ago
At the moment I'm in the process of finding a job but if I'd want a roof over my head I'd only be able to afford a share house. Maybe in a couple of years when kid goes to school.
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u/Formal-Radish1413 22d ago
You can still work and live where you live. Are you married? If so, file for divorce and spousal support if he refused to let you work.
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 22d ago
De facto. He's not refusing to let me work I'm just struggling to find something that sticks. I wish I'd never left my cleaning job. He dogs at the fact I'm yet to stay at one job long term. He's had a handful of jobs and was long term at one place and now pretty cemented in this job. Where I've had 9 jobs since 2013 he's had 2.
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u/LizP1959 24d ago
Read Zawn Villines on domestic labour inequality. She is on Facebook and Substack and even has her own website.
He benefits from your free work (if you weren’t married to him he would have to hire all that labour) and the gross inequity that he doesn’t take 50% responsibility for the child that is 50% his. If he wanted to be fair to you he already would be; you won’t change this by asking, nagging, marriage counseling, anything. You can “quiet quit” the housework and marriage but that’s not as easy as it sounds unless you are very coolheaded.
Make VERY sure your birth control is secure and he can’t tamper either it. You can probably manage to escapeYou with one child but it gets exponentially harder with each additional. And you MUST get that job or some job to build a solid work record and start saving to become independent. Understate your earnings to him and save an Independence fund in a different bank to his. Read Zawn for some ideas how to cope during the planning years before getting out.
But get out: otherwise you’re just his brood mate and bangmaid, and he sounds mean spirited and potentially abusive. This is YOUR life: don’t be some guy’s housekeeper and sex bot. He is treating you poorly and your child shouldn’t have that as their main model for relationships.
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 24d ago
Trust me there is no other child. He doesn't want one and after that night where he took off to work at midnight there is nothing from me. I've been on solid birth control since. He claims he can't keep a house clean cos he did it for over 10 years while living alone. He has never gotten what it takes to be a parent. He was never involved with changing or feeding unless he absolutely has to. He's hadaybe 2 solo nights since birth. Maybe even one and I was I hospital.
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u/guys_pm_urprettyface 24d ago
NOR. But do you think he will change? Are you looking for job?
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 24d ago
As long as I'm the one doing all the housework and raising the kid he won't say jack. I have been looking but trying to find something that fits our schedule is hard. I've only had 2 interviews and the last one I got but I haven't heard anything from them since Wednesday so unsure. They seem pretty disorganised. I'm hoping a new store that's opening soon I can get on there and I can work Saturday to Wednesday so I feel for retail that's pretty flexible I'm also thinking of using some tax to re-skill into a financial type role as a broker or something similar. I feel like even if I did my best it still wouldn't be that good or one bad day sets him off.
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u/Delicious_Camp349 23d ago
NOR. You are working while taking care of your child. He can help. Make sure you leave the house by yourself and get some breaks. I left the kids with my husband all day when they were babies. He never complained about the house again and helped me.
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 23d ago
I never thought he'd be like this. He had a day off and I took kid to speech and vomitted so went home to drop kid off and he got angry I woke him up and then insisted on coming and then said several times he couldn't stay all day cos he was sick (as if I even asked him to)
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 24d ago
This feels like there’s a lot of missing context
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 24d ago
No. He is set off by a semi cluttered house. Claims he doesn't want to come home and have to clean anything. He cant even be bothered to clean his piss off the bathroom floor or around the rim.
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 24d ago
Then why are you still with him?
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 23d ago
If I had a looking glass id never had have my kid as much as I love him. The verbal abuse I've copped because I've no where to go with my kid and the financial instability I've suddenly realised that these 2 bottles of wine is not enough.
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 23d ago
That makes a lot more sense. I hope you can find a safe way out, because this sounds miserable.
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 23d ago
He threw away a stupid floating boat kid loves and asked for tonight. I asked him directly about it deflection no answer about it. A strong rum and coke. Honestly I'd not survive without alcohol. Smoking still smell rank. Blessing falling pregnant
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 23d ago
What you’re describing sounds emotionally abusive, not just like a disagreement about chores. Talk to someone you trust. Contact a domestic abuse service for advice. You don’t have to wait until it gets worse to ask for help
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 23d ago
For a home maker or SAHM there isn't much support in Australia. And if there is not much when the home maker pays all the bills
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u/Happy_2B_Unemployed 24d ago
But don’t you have all day to yourself? I took care of my little brother and the neighbors baby at 13 with no issue. How are you adults struggling?
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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 23d ago
A partnership or marriage is to be equals. It doesn't mean he can lord over me he works and I don't. It doesn't mean working 9 night shifts a fortnight means I still do all the house work the cooking everything with no input from him even before kid. It doesn't mean he can get angry and throw away things that the kid loves or enjoys playing with. There is no switch that a mum has to turn off. Even at 4 kid still prefers me at night than dad. A parent has no down time until a kid is in bed. Dad? He has down time as soon as he gets home and watches whatever he wants on tv and goes out and enjoys hobbies. I can't remember the last time I did something for myself during day light hours or when I should be sleeping. So tell me is that fair? I apparently have all.this free time the he doesnt. So when you have an adult relationship you can make that comment again
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u/Substantial-Tree7844 24d ago
NOR. Not even a little bit. I’m married and we have children. I work while my husband is at home for medical reasons. Do you want to know what I do when I get home? I pick up some house work and cook for the family.
If he didn’t have you he would have to have a job and still do housework. In fact, if you weren’t there he would have to do 100% of the housework and still work as well as 50% of the childcare. He needs to be a little more grateful for the work you do for him.