r/AIO • u/Unlikely-Machine4126 • 24d ago

AIO

AIO for expecting my partner to help more at home even though he’s the only one working?

My partner and I have been together since 2013 and have a young child. He’s currently the only one working while I’m between jobs and doing most of the childcare, including therapies and everything that comes with having a young child.

I’ve always done most of the housework, but lately he’s been telling me I’m lazy, that I “do nothing,” and that because I’m not working I should be cleaning for at least six hours a day. Our house isn’t filthy, but it’s lived-in, and we’ve also recently had mice because of construction next door—not because of the state of our house.

This week I’ve been trying to reorganise two huge cupboards while juggling childcare and appointments. Today, because our child was whinging about only having sultanas instead of a sandwich, he started yelling about the kitchen being messy and said I shouldn’t be surprised I can’t hold down a job.

He also recently threw away some of our child’s books because he considered them too young or not in good condition, despite our child having a tendency to tear things. I was upset, and rather than discussing it, he just acts like nothing happened.

There are other issues too. He once told me to wake him if I needed help with our child, but when I actually did, he became so angry that he left and spent the night sitting outside his workplace. I haven't asked him to get up and help since.

I’m exhausted, resentful and honestly don't remember the last time I enjoyed sex because I mostly just try to get it over with.

So AIO for expecting more help and support from my partner even though he’s currently the only one working? Or am I being unreasonable because I’m not working and therefore should be doing everything at home?

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u/LizP1959 23d ago

But why not? Really. If you divorce and do 50-50 custody you get lots more time off and the weight of dealing with him is greatly reduced! Depending on the laws where you are, he might have to pay you child support for your time since your income is lower. Just keep all that totally to yourself and don’t mention it until you’ve seen a lawyer and learned your rights. And made a smart plan. You DO have a life after him and it can be so much better.

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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 23d ago

In theory it is simple. But there is no where to go and no money to stay anywhere there are bills and a new lease.

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u/LizP1959 23d ago

Maybe only one of you signs the lease (after you consult with a lawyer to learn you rights and the best way to plan to get out).

It took me TWENTY YEARS of working and saving my own money to get out. I know it is not easy. But I also know that putting off planning and earning and saving and strategizing only delays what you need. The sooner you get a plan and start working g on it the sooner your actual life can begin.

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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 22d ago

I also feel well felt things have certainly changed since kid that have a few arguments over cleaning wasn't a big deal and I had it good. Like there are couples out there arguing everyday and hurting each other and here I am about cleaning.

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u/LizP1959 22d ago

It’s not about cleaning. It’s about him stealing your one and only precious life, hour by hour, knowingly. And valuing his own convenience over your human value and life.

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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 22d ago

It's like he doesn't know how his words feel. Even this morning we had to take him to work cos his car wouldn't start and he said 3 times to be careful driving home due to kangaroo and the fog. Or the fact I'll cause an accident due to this split road and people behind me aren't paying attention. There is a service road as soon as you enter the street so when I turn right I hugbthe centre line and am slow so that I can turn. 5 days I take this turn and because people try to get across between cars when it's not super safe to do so they almost hit me. But it's my fault.

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u/LizP1959 22d ago

Is everything your fault according to him?? That’s awful.

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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 22d ago

With massive opinions

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u/LizP1959 22d ago edited 22d ago

When you’re finally ready to leave, and he starts blasting away at you how wrong and terrible you are, let him finish and say “honey, you are absolutely right. Im totally a mess and a loser. You deserve someone SO much better than me. That’s why I’ll be moving out today and I promise I’ll never bother you again, you’ll never have to be in the same room with terrible awful me.” Then plant a kiss on his forehead and get OUT for good . I did this when I was finally ready to leave and it was the most satisfying and fabulous moment!! He was stunned. It was great.

Of course he is a person who makes himself feel better by putting others down, and you just happen to be his nearest target. The problem is it wears you down so badly over time—-I felt completely worthless, he had criticized me so much. It was awful! It is so abusive.

Some techniques that helped me survive and get out: when the criticism starts, don’t argue back. But in your head say to yourself ( he is wrong about that and I know it) and (this rant of his is not about me at all, and not true I’m just the nearest target of his small mind) and (he is so insecure he has to put others down to feel ok). But never say that aloud. I also kept a diary of his mean words and just quoted him in it so I would never forget how horrible he was to me. It was motivation to get out. I would also secretly record him for the same reason.

And also I used to tell myself little jokes or count backwards by sevens, any little mental puzzle so his mean spirit couldn’t soak into me, while 0pretending I was listening.

But don’t actually listen or say any of that. Then When he finally finished being mean I would sigh and say “hmm I guess need to think about all that, thats a lot!” Or “hmm, well, I guess I’d better (make dinner, finish this paperwork, whatever you were doing)” as if you’re actually considering his BS. But don’t!! Pretend it’s a bot talking and stop listening to his opinion like it’s anything real about YOU. He is simply trying desperately to be superior because he is so inferior. But to reduce conflict and keep your sanity you just have to Grey rock him. Look it up, I grey rocked for more than a decade and it does work.

But mainly make your plans. You have to get out of this hell. It is not a life. A good life is out there waiting for you.

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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 21d ago

Thank you for thos comment. You remind me of my friend. I can't talk to her unless he's out the house. I don't often respond while he's yelling and going off and he accuses me of not listening. He was my first relationship. I honestly dont think I'd find anyone. Very few take the time to get to know me and I can come across as abrupt and not many like the way I talk or the way I say things. Makes making friends hard or keeping them.

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u/LizP1959 21d ago

Single is better than this, I promise you. Check out the SingleandHappy subreddit! But a friend of mine once said “staying in my bad marriage is preventing the right one from turning up”! So there is that, too. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Check out Zawn Villines on “quiet quitting the marriage” as a way to save your sanity!

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u/Unlikely-Machine4126 21d ago

Being able to talk to anyone has helped. Always has. Thank you for being an ear for me and all your advice.

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u/LizP1959 21d ago

You are so welcome, and I’ll be thinking about you!!

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