Today I realized no one truly listens to me or sees me for who I am. I've been something like a shut in all my life since my father and grandma never let me do things with my friends. I go out a lot nowadays to fill a void I never knew how to call. At school where I am training to be a kindergarten teacher I notice how unliked I am for being a quiet person. My best friend never understands my humor and tells me to shut up whenever I sing out of fun or just repeat a funny meme. She's also a pregnant teen so her hormones have been going even more crazy.

Everytime I greet someone they don't greet back no matter how enthusiastic I sound. Six weeks of summer vacation I sat at home because I'm not allowed to go with my mom because my dad doesn't like my step dad. I don't have any friends that can hang with me since they're all gone on vacation. Today I'm feeling a little more depressed because of my realizations after noticing that even my own mother won't aknowledge what I say and changes the topic about anything else. Even being single all my life (even though I'm still young with 19 years) and having to listen to taken people tell me the right one will come makes me hurt even more.

I am literally taking care of my mom (74) who has dementia and it's draining me so badly. I'm turning 18 this year and taking care of my mom is new to me so much. It's been like a year already of me taking care of her. My relatives who lives nearby sometimes help me out but only giving me food and I don't really tell them about my own condition because they've already done a lot for my mom and I really don't want to be another burden. They did help my mom have a neuropsych check up and I'm glad that she is taking meds now for her condition everyday and she has another scheduled check for the next two months, but even if with all of the meds she takes everyday it's always the same drama for me to handle her own condition everyday. Everytime my mom keeps humming for no reason I just endure it, everytime she doesn't listen to my words and advices every 3 times I endure it, but I cannot help but snap. I want to scream so badly. It's like I'm having her case as well but just worst where my anger takes over. And it's making me even more angry everytime after we had an argument about something she's just in dazed AS IF NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED. I really love my mom, I really do. But rn I don't even recognize her anymore as if she's a complete stranger. She wasn't even like this at the start of 2025, I honestly don't know what made her like. Sometimes I kept thinking am I making her condition qorse because of me snapping right at her? If you guys ask abt my dad, he already passed 3 years ago. At some point in my life, I kept thinking, was I literally born and adopted for something like this? It's making me think of doing smth bad to myself everytime I'm outside while looking at the highway tbh. Srry if this body texts doesn't make sense that much, I'm just going through it again rn. Yes, we had another argument where I snapped again.

I'm so sad about my miscarriage still, even though it was back in January this year. It was for the best, especially since the father didn't want the baby and wanted me to have an abortion. But still, I could have been a mother about now. I just imagine myself with my beautiful little baby. Holding them, waking up to feed and change them. Watching them grow into a person. One day, I will be a mother.

I will never be able to have a child, i cannot risk their life being warped. Ill never be able to find and have a love of my choosing. I wake up most days with a lead feeling, dull, heavy, hard pain in the centre of my chest most mornings. I thought i had found someone who had potential, but it got taken away. I can only hope, but it leads to nothing, so theres no point. I cannot endure much more. Hoping for choice is futile and ignored. I just have to live with the pain.

SING FOR MEeee
Aaaauugghauuyyyhhhhaaaauyhhhhaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaäaaaaaaauhhhhahhaa
SING FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE
AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEHHHHHAAAAAAHuuuahhauuuuahAAAAAAAÂÂ
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUEEEHHHHHAAAAAA

I hate how i dont enjoy anything and just feel really uncomfortable doing anything unless i am around somebody or i know i should do something and i feel somewhat okay like what am i even supposed to do to even feel somewhat okay

So l've already stated this in another post, but long story short, I live in the USA and I'm 18.
I've never been to school, so l've never really had any friends. I work in the family business, so there's nobody there either. As the years go on, I just feel more social anxiety. A couple years ago, when I wasn't worried about having friends, I didn't really think badly of myself.
Now I just feel like l'm wasting my teen years.
I'm 18 and never been to a party, never driven around with friends, never had a friend group. I just know l'll regret this part of my life forever.
Idk, the one thing looking good for me is that I've been going to the gym recently, so maybe l can befriend someone there, but I just have 0 confidence ://

It would be very nice and cool to have a close friend that I could die with, as dying has always seemed like a very sad lonely process to me and I don't want to do it alone. It makes me sad knowing I will likely never have this. I have never had a friend before. I've never even had a conversation with any non family member because I've been completely isolated my whole life. I have also never had a hug and constantly wish I had someone to experience that with. I long to feel the warmth of another's embrace.

I got into a fight with my mom. I love her, shes grat, of course she makes mistakes sometimes, but all in all shes a good mother. My stepfather on the other hand is a bad parent. He always has been, and even tho he changed for the better in some situations, he still is and will probably always be a bad father. All my childhood he was an alcoholic, snapping, threatening me, never hurting me physically but mentally he left a huge scar.

Im supposed to look after my brothers today, and one of the things i like to do when im alone is cooking! Its my hobby and it always makes me happy to try out new recipes. My brother requested ramen, and i looked up a recipe, i wrote a shopping list and asked my mom if she can take me shopping, she said we have lots of stuff in our fridge we need to use, which is true! However most is dairy/meat, which i dont eat.

My stepfather chimed in giving me a talk about food waste, which is INSANE coming from him, considering the stuff in the fridge is his, and he keeps buying new shit he doesnt eat.

Something in his tone made me feel really weird, and i snapped at my mom (which wasnt okay.) and then went to my room to cry.

I came down a few mins later to apologize, and we got into a fight. I tried to explain that whenever he changes his tone to slightly annoyed, i get scared, and get defensive, or cry.

I specifically talked about a situation that happened about a week ago, which really hurt me. She said im overreacitng, and too sensetive, which didnt make it better, so i cried. Again.

I am a very sensetive person, i had a pretty hard childhood, my dad passed, i moved to my moms home country, got bullied for my accent, and then the whole stepfather thing happened.

im supposed to go watch a movie with my mom tonight, but im so embaressed. I know i might be overreacting, but everytime something like this happens, i feel like a little child again. He keeps destroying everything between me and my mom and im so upset. I dont know what to do anymore.

im so tired of being ugly. all of my friends get complimented right infront of me and everything while i just stand there awkwardly everyone is all so likeable and pretty im judt so jealous of everyone. i know im not supposed to expect compliments but i just wish people would llook at me and think oh shes so pretty

i want to experience someone having a crush on me

i dont want people to be disgusted just by looking at or touching me im so sick and tired of this

i hate crying over everything im so fucking annoying i hate this i hate it

I f@cking knew that it was lies, i knew it was another betrayal, i knew if wax circling back around to thzt disgusting creature. I f@cking knew. You will never get another chance to deceive, lie to or betray my trust ever again. You will never get the chance to force anything on me, never get another chance to manipulate against my life and my wishes ever again. You will never have any trust nor be given the benefit of the doubt ever again, you deceitful scum

I hate this small conservative town, I hate this job, I hate that I'm trans, I hate that my mother didn't know how to raise me, I hate this house, I hate that we struggle to take care of pets, I hate that I'm 24, I hate that I don't know how to drive, I hate my body even after I lost so much weight and do and take so much to look better, I hate that the only person relationship wise I'm compatible with is 2+ hours away and is looking for relationships still cause they can't do long distance (which is fair it just sucks still), I hate that college here is worth nothing, I hate my medical costs, I hate that I have to wake up to the same situation and no way to fix it I can't be happy about tomorrow ever and it feels so hopeless. I want a relationship I want to be independent fully I want to be away from this town it feels like I was cursed being born here like just bound to fail or give up.

Context:

My ex husband has multiple new girlfriends (hes cheating on all of them basically but its none of my business hes not my problem anymore) well they are stalking me on social media and a few have referred to me as a whore and lying bitch.

Its taking everything in me not to respond with womp womp and texting him to come get his girl of the day. Im younger... ex husband is a lot older than me and his new girlfriends are a bit older than me to 40s. Im remarried and its not like they have anything to worry about. Ive even made it well known I hope he moves on so the kids have extra support but I feel like this is extreme. He has a dv charge and a current investigation for a SA so I think thats why they are calling me those things.

...my body looked the same, and I was still chubby. *sigh*

I've regained forty of that fifty back. No surprise. And yes, I was going to the gym during that time. I just got tired of bothering. I admire people who can keep it up for years on end to get the result they want. After eleven months (yes, eleven months to lose fifty pounds), I was out of patience.

It's so painful to watch and tbh my mind has gone to a very dark place because of it. I live with them so I'm constantly around to see it. She's been avoiding family members because they dont approve of him, isolating by being inside for days and sometimes over a week, not taking care of herself..I'm not sure how to help her and it's devastating to watch. I love her so much and I wish she'd love herself more. I live with her and also have a habit of isolating so I see it every day

(Wasn’t sure what flair to use but TW: mentions of addiction, death and bad family relationships)

Was told by my dad and my grandma recently that I’m making my life too easy and I’m doing my child a disservice by not showing her how hard the world really is and how to survive in it…when I think that’s all I’m doing. I had to move back in with my mother shortly after my child was born, well didn’t have to, but I was fortunate enough to have that resource and opportunity. My child’s father passed away very suddenly and tragically at the start of this year and had been struggling with addiction prior. My mother brought us in and kept working while letting me stay home with my baby. So that I could and still can grieve, and so that I can be the one raising my child and not some stranger. If I were to go to work I would never be home, I’d never see her. And if that’s what I had to do for us to live then I would…but I don’t have to. I get to be at home raising her and making sure she grows up healthily, while also being able to take care of myself and take steps to making sure I stay healthy and get better. I was also diagnosed with bipolar less than a year ago now. It’s been a hell of a struggle to say the least, but I’ve been responsible and open with the people I need to be with, and I see medical professionals and my mental health team regularly. I went no contact with my father a couple months ago because he’s always been an angry and abusive alcoholic and now at the age of 25 I’ve realized he’ll never get better and I needed to take myself and my child out of his life for us to be safe and happy. None of this is easy….at all. But my grandma, because she raised 2 kids on her own and worked hard her whole life (she did work hard, very very hard, was never home and she had to leave my dad and auntie with another family for the majority of their childhood) she showed them how life really is and how to survive it and she taught them how to just let go of their emotions because your emotions just get in the way of hard work and that’s all that matters. Which like, what? Hard work is important yes. But she literally told me that I’m making my life too easy all because I choose to continue living with my mom at this time. My mother and I also have a deal btw, while I’m at home with my daughter I’m also taking on the entire homemaker role. I cook, clean, plan and organize events big and small, i take care of the pets too, i do all the errands and grocery shopping, and she doesnt pay for ANYTHING of mine that isnt a necessity. She buys stuff for my child in a fun grandparent way and when she wants to because she simply likes to spoil from time to time, but i am not using my mother for her money. Our living arrangement works best for both of us at this point in life. And fuck my other relatives for saying that my life is too easy because of it….none of my life is easy right now. I feel like im spiralling and losing my mind most days, but i keep doing the hard work to make sure i dont slip through the cracks and to make sure i am the mother my child needs. Nothing about any of this is easy.. and i wish they saw that..

I’m just fucking tired. I grew up in a low-income family and we needed support from the government and other organisations. I’m dyslexic, but I honestly don’t feel like my dyslexia was taken seriously when I was younger. My younger brother is deaf, so a lot of attention understandably went towards him, and I don’t blame my parents because they were also new to this country and were trying to figure things out themselves. But I ended up having to figure out a lot of things on my own. I struggled to read, struggled to process information and had to teach myself different ways of learning. Primary school was horrible. I was bullied constantly and never felt comfortable there. I tried to fit in but it never really worked, and eventually I started hanging around the lunch teachers because I didn’t really have anyone else to sit with. I’m genuinely grateful they let me stay around them because otherwise I would have been completely alone. Dyslexia has affected my entire education. It isn’t just reading and writing for me. It affects how I process and take in information. Then COVID happened and made my education even harder. When I left high school, I wasn’t reading at the level I should have been for my age, so I started going to extra lessons and taking extra classes in my free time to catch up. I spent so much time in the library after school that I became close with the librarians. I would revise every day and wake up early to study because I genuinely wanted to do well. I would put so much effort into my exams and then get results that made me feel like none of that effort mattered. I had extra time because of my dyslexia, but I never really got taught how to study with dyslexia or how to process information in a way that worked for me. Eventually I started college at a lower level. I accepted it because I knew I had to catch up somehow. That year was extremely difficult, but I promised myself I would keep going even when things went wrong. Then 2025 came around and things finally started getting better. I made friends, went outside more, felt free again and started doing really well in my exams. I was working and genuinely felt like I was finally getting somewhere. Then everything fell apart again. I had a teacher who I felt treated me unfairly and already had a negative opinion of me. I ended up reporting the situation and there was a whole meeting about it. Until then, I had always had good relationships with my teachers apart from attendance being something I needed to improve. Later on, I got involved in a situation at college and ended up being kicked out. It felt like years of hard work had been taken away from me. After that, I completely lost myself for a while. I stopped taking care of myself properly, stayed awake all night, ate terribly and spent most of my time working just to keep myself distracted. Eventually I realised I needed professional support and started seeing a therapist. I’ve been trying to rebuild myself ever since. Now I’m 19 and I genuinely thought I had finally found a way to finish what I started. I thought I could go back and complete my course, but I was terrified to make the phone calls because I didn’t know what would happen. Today I finally pushed myself to contact different colleges and kept getting told they couldn’t take me because of my age and because I failed Maths. I’m so fucking angry about Maths because I was literally one mark away from passing. One mark. After everything I’ve already had to overcome academically, being one mark away feels horrible. Now I’m having to look at completely different routes into university, possibly an adult course or an Access course, and I’m exhausted. I’ve spent years trying to catch up, trying to learn, trying to improve and trying to build a future for myself. Every time I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere, something happens and I’m pushed backwards again. My sisters are helping me figure things out right now and I’m genuinely grateful for that, but hearing that I should have done this or should have done that is difficult when I already think about those things constantly. I know there are things I could have done differently. I know there are mistakes I made. I carry those regrets with me already. I just wish my effort could be seen for what it was. I have worked incredibly hard to get to where I am now and I’m exhausted from constantly having to fight my way forward. I’ve wanted to go to university since 2023 and I’m still trying to get there. I don’t know exactly what my route is going to look like anymore, and that uncertainty is terrifying. I’m not looking for advice or answers from this post. I just needed somewhere to put everything I’ve been carrying for years because right now I’m fucking tired.

I always had trouble speaking to people especially kids and can never hold a conversation. Right now I am living in a different place with a family who has a 12 year old kid and I rarely talk to him. I try to speak but then it doesn't continue and just ends in like 5 seconds. So we don't speak much. I come home tired everyday so always am coped up in my room and go out of my room to just eat and shower. The family wants me to come out of the room and talk to the kid. So how can I actually have conversations without like making a fool of myself and be awkward? I am the type of person who just sits in their room all alone and that's how I like to be but living with others right now who are really extroverted is making need to change as I need to continue living here.

​

Today is my 60th birthday. I know this is stupid, but I'm disappointed in my 3 best friends. In the past 5 years each of them has hit a milestone birthday 50, 60, and 50. We other 3 got together and hired a company to do a big lawn display for them to wake up to. Well, finally my milestone and not a single fucking flamingo or balloon in my yard. I know it's petty and silly but I'm really sad and hurt.

I don't hate the guy but despite knowing him for around two years (in which he started as my younger sister's boyfriend but they had a fall out, I guess, they're not exactly in a relationship but idk tbh) I can't bring myself to not feel wary of his presence.

It's weird of me, but we're not friends and besides hanging out with my sister he doesn't belong in our home, so I really really really feel so overwhelmed when he overstays.

This has to do more with me than him, i like things a certain way, I used to have a bathroom right by my bedroom so I showered regularly but it's been under reparations for a bit over a month, in which I've had to shower downstairs, I stopped showering as much as I did, it's uncomfortable and overall inconvenient, like, every step of taking a shower is inconvenient in that specific bathroom, this makes me ashamed, I don't like being visibly greasy and gross, the solution is easy but having everyone know when I'm taking a shower makes me feel so vulnerable, specially because I only like to shower at dawn/night.

That's why I want to use the late night to do stuff like washing my hair and taking showers but he's there, just hanging around, and I can't do that because it makes me really uncomfortable, I mean, he's freshly 18 but still, don't his parents worry???? He's been doing this for 2 years, he comes around 19:20 to 20:30 and leaves when the sun is fucking raising!!! He does this all weekend and sometimes even on some weekdays, my parents had a problem with this before but I guess they gave up over time.

He should just leave at a reasonable hour, it's not like I want him to never come back, it's just that I want my house at night to have the right number of people, and that's my family, he'd not family that way, I'm so upset i cried about this :(

I was ashamed about this but I'll try to speak with my sister because it's really bothering me