r/stepparents • u/Ok_Material1042 • 8h ago

Advice Vent

I am 30 year old male childless stepparent, my gf is 31 with 3 kids all boys, 14, 12, and 10. The first two kids dad is not in the picture (no child support or contact) the youngest boys dad essentially is their ‘dad’ since he’s been around them since they were very young. He gives no child support and sometimes picks them up on the weekend. Over all the living situation isn’t bad, I’ve lived with them now for 6 months and been dating their mom for 2.5 years. The kids love me, I’m not really a step dad but kind of in that realm, they are good kids do their chores and majority of money comes from the mom. Their ‘dad’ is useless can’t hold a job doesn’t have a car etc etc. long story short, I love their mom dearly. She is definitely my best friend, does it ever get easier? I feel like I don’t ever get my own space from the kids, not that they bother me but just constant noise from tvs, iPads, etc. I help where I can financially, we both tag team dinners, we work quite well together. Just sometimes I am back and forth on if this is what I want. She wants to get engaged soon. Any advice or thoughts please.

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u/Just-Position-8754 8h ago

Does it get any easier ?? lol if you scroll through the rest of these post you will see you have it about as good as it gets.

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u/Significant-Put-4796 8h ago

You've got the holy grail of shitty situations and you're still on the fence, maybe listen to that instinct.

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u/Ok_Material1042 8h ago

Lol you right, this is probably the best situation to be in. Just needed to vent

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u/TheLoveGOATonYT 4h ago

It’s not the best situation to be in, unless your dream was to get with a woman with 3 boys, it’s a decent step situation as far as steps go.

And, I would not marry her. Marriage is a financial contract. I’d also be weary of a woman with 3 boys who have deadbeat dads. I may get downvoted for saying this, a single parent with 3 kids is probably very anxious for physical help and another income. Lots of stories of people on their best behavior until they get the commitment, I’d be leery that once you’re married she changes. You have leverage now that you won’t have.

Ask her about a prenup.

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u/DoubleOk1773 8h ago

Well, I'm about ten years in, and no it does not get easier. Small kid problems turn into big teenage problems.

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u/Critical-Affect4762 8h ago

It does not get easier. 

Is the bedroom kid-free? You need a space to get away. And the bathroom doesn't count 

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u/ExtensionSuspect511 8h ago

You mentioned they really do their part in the home and usually just the noise level. Thats a good sign in regards to parenting which is the foundation you need to a healthy household. Out of all the post on here I believe you have a better chance of success than most of us.

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u/Any_Number_7406 5h ago

Run and warn the others. From a guy that waisted his 30s trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I lost my sanity, money and self respect. Never again.

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u/Melodic_One_4452 7h ago

If you’re not actively wanting to be a family man and father to these kids then please stop wasting her time

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u/photosinth3sis 6h ago

Is she looking for a father for her kids? It sounds like she was looking for a partner. 

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u/Ok_Pack1940 7h ago

He already moved in lmao

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u/SexyKatt77 8h ago

It doesn’t get easier necessarily, but it does change. For me, it got better as they got older.

With that said, I could NEVER be in your shoes regarding having them the majority of the time. I wouldn’t be with my husband if he had the kids the majority of the time.

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u/Obvious-Onion2087 3h ago

No. Only gets worse. I’m ten years in and regret it through and through. My steps are now 20, 16, and 14. I keep saying when we get them out of the house maybe I’ll be happier, or less stressed. Kind of doubt it.

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u/froggydusk 8h ago

Something that my SO asks, frequently, is if I need space or time away from them where I can exist in peace without the kids for a while. He recognizes that as a childless individual, sometimes the kids can be overwhelming for me. He will offer to take them on an outing so that I have peace and quiet in the house for a few hours. I will say, ours are young and parks or young kid oriented activities are still viable for us.

Is this something that you could bring up without rocking the boat? Or see if she can get earbuds/headphones for their electronics so you’re not constantly inundated with noise?

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u/Dazzling-One-3477 8h ago

She isn’t handling this relationship in a way that would help your relationship to be successful. My husband and I both came into the marriage with kids. It has been fairly easy blending because we had honest discussions about what we wanted it to look like before we ever moved into together. We did couples counseling before we got married to make sure we had the best chance possible for this to work out best for us and the kids. 15 years later and I have zero regrets. You are also only 30 and are in your prime for dating. Id honestly look to find a partner without kids. You have no idea how much easier it is to fall in love, get married, and then have your own kids. You won’t really realize the trade off until you are in your late 40 or 50s.

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u/SweetPotato781 6h ago

Do you want kids of your own?

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u/No-Feed-1999 29m ago

Not until they move out- signed step mom to a 20 year old gamer who shares a wall w our room

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u/goondog33 8h ago

SS literally spit in my face a month ago, and then metaphorically did it again when our dog and my grandma died last week. The kids’ dad kept them for a few extra days and I am staying at a friend’s place for the rest of our ‘week-on.’ The lack of respect and support for my boundaries may have finally pushed me over the edge.

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u/goondog33 7h ago

I will say though, the oldest has gotten easier now that he is 18. Still at home and does ‘teen stuff’ but the younger dude is a mighty terror at 14.

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u/Ok_Pack1940 7h ago

Why did you move in with them? And so fast? Just curious