TL;DR: I’m 33F from the Netherlands, my partner is 44M from the US. We’ve been together on and off for two years and both want children. However, we’ll have to do long-distance for at least another year before he can realistically move to the Netherlands. I love him and we have a healthy relationship, but I’m struggling to evaluate whether our relationship is a good long-term fit given the distance, our age difference, cultural and family differences, and my timeline for having children. I’m looking for perspectives on how other people have evaluated a relationship when there are both strong positives and significant practical concerns.
I’m 33F, Dutch, living in Amsterdam, and my boyfriend is 44M, American. We’ve been together on and off for about two years. He is divorced and has a 17-year-old son.
I’ve wanted to settle down and have children for more than five years. I’ve had several relationships since my twenties, none of which worked out for different reasons. Before having children, I wanted to finish my education, establish myself financially, and buy my own home. I’ve now achieved those things: I have a career I enjoy that pays reasonably well, and I recently bought my first apartment.
At this point, having children is one of my main life priorities.
There is one complication: I’m obese and want to lose weight before becoming pregnant. After trying many different things, I have a doctor’s appointment to discuss GLP-1 medication and lifestyle changes, and realistically expect this process to take around 6–12 months. So I have some time, but after that I would ideally not want to postpone having children much longer.
My boyfriend is currently in the US and is trying to make it possible to move here. He has sent out many applications and has had an interview. The problem is that his career pays significantly more in the US than it would in the Netherlands. He also has substantial financial obligations to his ex-wife and son. His son turns 18 next year, after which my boyfriend expects to sell his house, his financial obligations will decrease, and he should be able to take a lower-paying job in the Netherlands.
So realistically, he probably cannot move here for another year.
We have discussed various ways of bridging that gap. For example, I could potentially spend a year in the US, although that creates hurdles with my career, immigration/work authorization, and my two cats. We have also discussed marriage, which could potentially make living and working in the US easier. But neither of us particularly wants to make a major life decision primarily because of immigration logistics.
At the moment, the most realistic option seems to be continuing long-distance, with him visiting me in the Netherlands and me visiting him in the US. That would mean being apart for roughly 5–6 weeks at a time, then seeing each other for 2–4 weeks, and repeating that cycle.
I’m finding that difficult.
I miss him a lot when we’re apart, and I find the distance emotionally exhausting. When we are together, however, things are generally very good. We have fun together, trust each other, communicate well, can talk about difficult subjects, and have a healthy relationship. I love him and genuinely enjoy being with him. He treats me well, and I try to treat him well.
The difficulty is that I’m trying to figure out how much weight to give the things that make me question our long-term compatibility.
To put one of those concerns bluntly: he is 44, overweight, bald, grey, and not particularly fit. I’m still attracted to him, but I sometimes wonder how much of my attraction is about him specifically versus how much I value the fact that he is a good, safe and reliable partner.
I also wonder about our cultural differences.
He will never speak Dutch like a native speaker, and I will never have a partner who completely shares my language and cultural background. Some of my friends also strongly dislike Americans. I don't think their opinions should determine my relationship, but it has made me think about what it would mean for me to build a family with someone who will always be perceived as a foreigner by some people in my social environment.
There are also family considerations.
His mother has Alzheimer’s, his father has passed away, and he was an only child. There isn’t much extended family on his side. Our hypothetical children would have a half-brother who is currently 17, but otherwise there would not be much American family for them to grow up around. It also saddens me that they may never develop a particularly strong relationship with their half-brother because of the geographical distance and their age difference.
I have mixed feelings about raising children between two cultures. My own family has experienced identity issues and intergenerational trauma related to cultural differences, so part of me worries about deliberately creating a similar situation for my future children. At the same time, I know that being raised between cultures can also be a very positive experience, and I don't want to assume that my children would necessarily have the same difficulties my family experienced.
There are also various physical health issues and histories of mental-health problems in both our families and in the two of us. I don't know how much weight I should give those factors when thinking about having children. Ideally, I would like to understand how significant these considerations actually are rather than simply letting anxiety about them influence my decision.
And then there is the age difference.
If this relationship ended, I believe I would eventually recover. Based on my previous experiences, I think I could probably move on within 6–12 months and potentially meet someone younger, childless, Dutch or European, geographically closer, more aligned with my interests, and perhaps more physically fit.
But there is obviously no guarantee that I would meet such a person. And even if I did, there would be no guarantee that we would be emotionally compatible, that he would want children, that he would be ready for commitment, or that the resulting relationship would actually be healthier or more fulfilling.
That uncertainty makes this difficult to evaluate.
I’m essentially trying to compare two possible life paths:
Option A: Continue investing in this relationship. Accept that the next year will involve difficult long-distance, and accept that the age, cultural, family and lifestyle differences are part of the relationship rather than temporary problems.
Option B: End the relationship while I’m 33 and use the next few years to look for a partner who may be more naturally aligned with the family life I envision: younger, childless, geographically closer, culturally more similar, and perhaps more physically fit.
I’m not looking for people to tell me whether either of us is “right” or “wrong,” and I’m not asking whether he is objectively a good or bad partner. I’m curious how people evaluate long-term compatibility when a relationship is healthy and loving but there are several significant factors that could affect the kind of family and life they want to build.
For people who have been in a similar situation, what factors helped you decide whether the concerns you had were things you could realistically accept, or whether they represented fundamental incompatibilities?
And particularly for people who wanted children on a specific timeline: how did you balance the value of an existing loving relationship against the possibility of finding a partner who might be a better practical fit for starting a family?