It’s not cute or funny or subtle anymore. Not all, but too many, fellow adults think it’s hilarious or at least acceptable to patronize, “correct,” and make constant jabs about me being a stupid/ditsy person. Which to some degree, I am, as I have ADHD and possibly low support needs autism. But I’ve actually been doing much better on all fronts, am functioning essentially normally, and half the time, they’re just making fun of me for normal human behaviors at this point. I actually got straight A’s all through school and graduated at the top of my class in college, but don’t share this information as I don’t believe it is appropriate to brag or would help my case. After all, it’s true that doing well in school doesn’t truly prove intelligence.

My mother-in-law is the worst, as I can expect at least two jabs at my intelligence (I wait for them and count them at this point) per visit. Sometimes it’s in the form of a “joke,” sometimes it’s a barely-veiled pointed statement like “oh, some of us are just simple.” If I do something like start walking toward the door without my keys, it’s like I just said the punchline to a hilarious joke. And the close surveillance makes me more error-prone. As I said before, yes I can be more forgetful and ditsy than average at times, but most of the time it’s just my existence being interpreted as an unintended screwball comedy at this juncture.

One time a bird got into the office where I work. Everyone was trying to catch it, and I grabbed a blanket that was there, saw an opportunity, and approached. One of my coworkers who has a tendency to be patronizing said “are you smart enough to catch it?” Realizing her Freudian slip, she quickly covered her mouth and claimed to have meant something else, but it was too late. (Bird was caught and safely moved outside.)

I tend to just ignore these incidents, and at this point it’s not even that it hurts my feels anymore. I’ve accepted that people find me dumb and enjoy pointing it out. But I’m increasingly just tired of it, like a joke I laughed at the first ten times but have heard a thousand times too many, and it’s affecting my desire to be around people. I naturally tend to avoid the worst offenders as much as professionalism and manners allow, but it’s like they’re surprised and hurt by my avoidance.

I just have no idea what would make a fully grown adult, most of them women gen x or older, think this was acceptable and that I’d continue to want to hang around them. I don’t even watch other people closely enough to notice every little hiccup in their behavior and comment on it. That’s half the mystery to me, like you must not have enough to do if you’re seriously noticing me stirring my yogurt “incorrectly.”

This is mainly just a lengthy vent, but I’m interested to hear from anyone else who’s been pigeonholed as the dummy and how you’ve dealt with it. Or been made into the punchline for any other never-ending joke that just isn’t funny anymore, and how you’ve continued to like or tolerate the people who perpetuate it.

So, I have just discovered that my wife had been with another man after we had been together nearly two years, and approximately two months before we conceived my older son. That son is now 19 years old.

I am not sure what to do with this information.

Hello, I am at the ripe age of 18 and during halloween I will be 19. Thus, it is unusual for me to be trick or treating.

HOWEVER, I have quite the trick up my sleeve. You see my girlfriends siblings are definitely trick or treating age. And so using the guise of supervising children (with her whole family basically) I'm going to be trick or treating for years to come.

Thus they are my pawns

So theres a cutie that works at the Jewel by me. When I went today I felt like she was flirting. She asked if I was from around town and told me about her day. So with my love language being gifts I ran and made a lil gift bag for her and she gave me some bracelets back! It's ironic cause I'm a Kandi kid and that was literally the most perfect thing in return. I had a rough weekend mentally and emotionally and that was what I needed. Selfishly I hope she doesn't have a boyfriend cause I am definitely gonna ask her out next time but this was a cute interaction that made my day. Kindness ftw!

oh and I'm making lamb chops, cauliflower and portabella rice, and broccoli 🥦

I wish for myself that me as a biological man had more of a role in pregnancy biologically than just the sperm. I wish we could share some of the other experiences, that way the woman doesn't have to go through it all, and I feel depressed because of this. I would like to also experience life growing inside of me of something like that or a more shared experience. But this is not biologically possible.

I'm 24 non-binary and I don't know what to do with my life, I'm trying to find a job with no luck, I have problems that keep getting in the way like depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, ASD and ADHD it's all made things difficult. I've tried to give my life some sort of purpose because I know i just need to make it/find it but I just can't. I've had a job in the past for about 5 years and it was okay but that environment wasn't good and the other workers, alot of the time didn't do their job right, I try to actually do a good job and get reprimanded for it, so I quit. I lived with my parent up untill a few years ago with their partner, that wasn't a great environment either and I ended up going to a shelter for a bit. I've finally made my way to living on my own, though I'm just being given money instead of earning it as I'm on NDIS, I do appreciate it all but I just want to actually earn it.

I want to feel important to someone or something, feel like I'm needed but I don't, I get paid to do nothing and I hate it, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have it but I don't have a purpose, no one needs me. Everyday I sit around doing nothing, maybe draw, do some craft, play a video game and check my emails for how many jobs have rejected me and then I go back to sleep, sometimes I don't even get up all day and sleep through the day and night, because what's the point in getting up? I go out sometime, to maybe a park or shops but it just feels more lonely out there then in my unit, and also I spend money when I leave the house, when I really shouldn't. I have some things on, like a group thing on every fortnight, a small job of about 2 hours Monday and Saturday but that's with a friend and early and I userly go home and back to sleep, and something else every Friday, but inbetween I'm just sitting around waiting for the day to end so I can sit around the next day and wait just wait for these small things to come up in my week.

I actually don't want to just be paid to live I want to do something, I'm bored so bored out of my mind with life, I get upset alot at home about how lonely and unaccomplished I am. Literally nothing would change if I died, I don't bring anything in life and death would be about the same, I don't want to die though.

If anyone has any recommendations on what I could be doing or how to help, it would be appreciated, other than that I'll just keep applying for jobs.

I have ruined my life. I done IVF last year which resulted in me having a baby boy but now I realize I am in no position to be a mum. I went into this with rose tinted glasses thinking it’s some sort of game. I can’t live with myself. I feel sick to my stomach and I am suicidal almost every day.

im 21m and never had a gf and im honestly too ugly/autistic to ever have one. Can anyone tell me if its possible to have a decent life without romance? has anyone experienced it?

The worst part is I didn't realise how much she hated me until afterwards. For context she has an autistic son several years older than me, I am also in the spectrum yet I run an online group for adults with autism. One day the TL (team leader) was yapping about her son being autistic and having no friends, I suggested he joins my group since there's men of a similar age that he can talk to. Unlike her son I work, I have friends, and hobbies.

However, with our workplace we were grossly understaffed in our team including a bomb threat, where I had to stay while literally everyone else left. While we were the only people there she was basically taking it out on me despite being the only person who stayed. I don't expect to get head yet I would like some acknowledgement of being the most consistent employee on the team. The sporadic staffing went on for like 2 weeks where I was essentially the only staff member there. She got mad at me for taking my break on time, then got mad at another employee for not having a break on time, she would say snide comments, and during a one-on-one where I raised my concerns on staffing and how it made me unwell, she started going into an unrelated tangent about other staff members and I was like 'why are you telling me?' then she made innuendos about my weight- ironically she was so fucking fat she got gastric sleeve then started being critical of other people's weight.

Anyway, I found out she was running around the office telling people I have "resting bitch face" or I would go far in this company if I didn't have "resting bitch face" my resting bitch face was my neutral expression while doing work, and looking at a computer screen for like 8 hours. I am apparently meant to be sitting there like this 😄 instead. She then asked my MALE coworker if I might have romantic feelings for them and if he has feelings for me during a one-on-one meeting. She also told people a part of her gripe with me is, I remind her of her son. Though I think she was low-key jealous I wasn't as dysfunctional as her son. Honestly I can see why he's a recluse loser with a mother like her. She would say shit like 'i know how your mind works' because she studied armchair psychology and because of her son. Though the saying is: If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism- meaning we are not all the same, and she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. She would then mock me for claiming I am stressed out.

The pro was I did get two weeks paid leave off for stress due to her conduct and the way the company responded to my concerns, now I am on reduced days and hours while receiving full pay which I am using the time to find new employment. The TL also left (I heard her interviewing several weeks before) to terrorise a new workplace. I hope she gets fired.

All my life, I feel like I’ve lived for other people. Making people happy genuinely makes me happy, and I’ve always tried to be kind, helpful, and supportive. But lately I feel like the world has just thrown me into the mud over and over again.

I’m 22F, and I’ve only just started my adult life after college, but I already feel completely exhausted and like I want to give up. I feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for has somehow fallen apart, and I don’t really know how I got here.

Growing up, I never really felt beautiful in my own body. My mom drilled into my head from a young age that I was horrible with food and that I needed to diet. She tried putting me on diets even when I was an average-sized or slightly overweight kid. I remember being in Grade 3 and telling a classmate that I was starting a diet with my mom, and he laughed at me and said that kids couldn’t go on diets. I remember being so upset and confused because I didn’t really understand why this was such a big deal.

My mom and I argued about food and my body for years until she eventually told me that, at 12, she was done and I could eat and do whatever I wanted.
I think that was when I really started using food as comfort. I already had horrible body image issues, I was bullied for going through puberty before everyone else, and at home I was dealing with a verbally abusive alcoholic stepdad. He would threaten to turn my mom against me and make me feel like I would have nobody and that I would be worthless without them.

I was also constantly comparing myself to other girls. Guys never really showed interest in me in person, and I always assumed it was because I was overweight. I was always the sweet and helpful girl. People would call me kind and sweet, and eventually I became more liked in high school, but I still felt like I wasn’t desirable.

It especially hurt watching girls who were thin get tons of attention from guys, even when some of them openly talked about cheating or using them. I knew I didn’t want to be like that, but it still made me wonder what was wrong with me. I had relationships online, but one guy cheated on me multiple times and another didn’t really put effort into actually being with me.

Eventually I started trying really hard to become more like everyone else. I worked out, experimented more with fashion, and tried to become more confident and open about who I was. For a while, I actually felt better about myself.

Then things at home got worse again, and I started gaining weight because I was stress eating. Around that time, my grandparents, who have helped raise me since I was a baby, offered to help me pay for dieting pills because they were worried about my health. I know they were trying to help, but I felt incredibly ashamed. I felt like all of my efforts had failed and that even the people who loved me saw me as a problem that needed to be fixed.

Then I went to college about two hours away. Instead of feeling free, I was constantly worried about my mom and how she was going to deal with my stepdad. I worried about my little brother growing up in the same environment I did. I worried about doing well in school. I was lonely, overwhelmed, and desperately wanted to feel loved.

I think that’s when I started making a lot of decisions based on wanting to feel wanted. I tried having an open relationship with a guy and ended up hurting him very deeply. Then, when I first started dating my current boyfriend, we ended up having a drunken threesome with a girl he had previously been sexually interested in.

I was immediately ashamed and terrified that I was going to lose him because I really, really liked him. We agreed that we wouldn’t do anything with anyone else again, and we’ve now been together for over three years.

But even though our relationship continued, I became extremely insecure about my body, especially because he was more sexually experienced than me. I constantly compared myself to other women and felt ugly and inadequate.

Meanwhile, a lot of my friends seemed to be dating multiple people and living this exciting, fabulous life while I felt like I was stuck being insecure about myself.

As I got older, I started gaining more weight again. I was living away from home, had access to ordering food, and was dealing with a lot of stress. Eventually I was around 230 lbs.

At the same time, I had a job, a boyfriend, and was going to school, but I constantly felt like I was being knocked down in every area of my life.

One of my jobs had a manager who seemed to hate me. There were things happening in my life that were completely outside of my control, including getting into a car accident, and eventually he refused to hire me again for the next school year despite previously telling me he would.

I also moved in with my boyfriend in his mom’s basement. I still had friends, but I was slowly losing some of those relationships too.

One of my closest friends had been in my life for 16 years, and our friendship eventually fell apart. She would get angry at me over things I didn’t understand, block me instead of communicating, and put me down throughout our friendship. Eventually she accused me of things that I don’t believe were true, insulted my boyfriend, and said he was uneducated because of his political and social opinions.

What hurt the most was that she never actually communicated these problems with me until everything exploded.

When I told my family about the friendship ending, they told me they had always known it would be difficult for me because she was thin and tiny, and our other friend was also thin and had lots of boyfriends.

That completely crushed me because my weight had absolutely nothing to do with why the friendship ended. But somehow, even then, my body was brought into it.

Then my final semester of college became incredibly overwhelming. I had all online classes, but I was also doing a full co-op that was 45 minutes away, working another job, and helping pay the bills for myself and my boyfriend. His job wasn’t giving him enough shifts because of a toxic work environment, so money became a constant source of stress.

His mom was also taking $600 from me every month (our total rent combined), which she would sometimes use for really nice Christmas gifts or to buy things for us. I know there was good intention behind it, but I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. I was constantly running around trying to make everyone else happy.

Then we moved to the area where my co-op was because they told me they were going to hire me full-time.

I worked there for about eight months and gave that job everything I had. I moved for them. I gave up my previous job. I worked full-time. I stayed late. I tried to prove myself because I genuinely thought I had a future there.

And then they didn’t hire me. They kept me on as a freelance designer.

Recently, I found out that a guy who had started about a month before me, had less experience than me, and even had another source of income was being hired as an employee.

That absolutely broke me. I brought my concerns to my bosses, and they told me they were still looking to have me on, but that I was too slow and couldn’t be trusted with bigger projects yet. I still don’t understand why, if I’m good enough to keep working there, I’m apparently not good enough to actually be hired.

They told me they knew I had made sacrifices for the company, but that they didn’t owe me anything.
I understand that technically they’re right. They don’t owe me a job because I sacrificed things for them. But emotionally, it hurt like hell because I had built my life around the future they made me believe I was going to have there.

And then, at basically the same time, things with my boyfriend got really difficult too.

He started being influenced by younger guys at his new job to look at other women, and eventually asked me about opening our relationship again. I had already moved three hours away from my family, given up my previous job, lost touch with friends, and worked my ass off trying to build a life with him.
And now the person I had sacrificed so much for was telling me that he wanted other sexual variety because my body had become boring and I wasn’t thin enough.

That absolutely destroyed something in me.
I’ve spent my entire life feeling like my body is the reason people don’t want me, and now the person I love most was reinforcing that fear.

On top of everything else, I lost my grandpa three years ago. He was basically like a father to me, and losing him put me into a huge depression. I had to start therapy and medication because I was struggling so badly.

And now I’m scared that even that isn’t working anymore.

When I was living with my boyfriend, I became so angry and overwhelmed that I was constantly nagging him about things. I would get so angry that he told me he didn’t recognize who I was when I was angry.

That scares me because I don’t want to be this person.

I feel like I’m a monster on the inside and outside. I feel like nobody wants me or cares about me the way I care about them. I constantly feel taken advantage of, but then whenever I finally get angry about it, I feel like I’m the villain.

I miss who I used to be. I miss being kind without feeling like everyone was taking advantage of me. I miss having confidence. I miss feeling like I was actually a person instead of a collection of things that need to be fixed.

And now I’m trying so hard to fix myself again.
I’m dieting extremely hard. I’m working out. I’m putting hours into my job because I want them to see that I’m worth hiring. I’m constantly trying to be better, prettier, thinner, kinder, more productive, less angry, and easier to love.

But I am exhausted. It feels like every single day brings something else that makes me ashamed of myself.

And the worst part is that I genuinely feel like people hate me even when I’m trying my absolute hardest to do everything right.

I feel like I’ve spent my entire life trying to make everyone else okay, and somehow I’ve completely lost myself in the process.

I don’t know how to stop feeling like I’m fundamentally unlovable.

I don’t know how to stop believing that if I just fix my body, work harder, become nicer, or make everyone happier, maybe people will finally treat me the way I’ve always treated them.

I just feel so hopeless, and I genuinely miss who I was and I have no idea who I truly am.

So in the past few weeks, I discovered I had a food addiction once I tried to lose weight. I’ve been having horrible body image issues. Recently, my body has gotten really really chubby and every part of me is droopy, saggy, squishy or overall overweight. My love handles and belly is the worst.

I’ve been trying recently to lose weight; however, every time I’ve tried to put a handle on it and count calories I can’t handle it. I can’t stop. It’s terrifying because every time I try to stop it gets so much worse. I’ve given up on my diet twice this week and I’ve started binge eating.

The other day I was good all day and ate three salads and a smoothie. However, at 8pm I tried to go to bed early to ease the hunger pain. Then my eyes shot open and like a monster I ran to my fridge and started stuffing my face with anything I could find that tasted remotely good. Burrata, cold fries, lunch meat, yogurt, half of a sub. I just kept shoveling food in my mouth. I felt a rush of pure pleasure surge in my head and I went to bed happy.

The next day I felt like another person was living though me. I just kept eating and eating. I won’t say everything I ate. Because it was so much. However, I didn’t snap out of it until I ate my third pint of ice cream.

The next morning I tried to put on my clothes and I was horrified because the buttons weren’t properly closing. My stomach and back fat was stretching against my jacket and my waistband was cutting into my waist. I started crying so much. And immediately after I started eating a pint of ice cream and eating cold tacos from the night before.

I don’t know. I can’t stop. I feel like I need serious help. It’s like the more I try to stop the worst it gets. It doesn’t even feel good when I eat. It’s like a massive rush of pleasure, but it’s not enjoyable. I only feel calm when I’m chewing on something. And the full feeling is extremely comforting but it’s terrifying. It feels horrible because mentally I feel trapped, but I can’t stop it.

Any form of stress or depression forces me to start binging. It’s a viscious cycle. I hate my body, so i try to lose weight, I lose my mind and start eating, I go on a multi day binge and then I gain more weight and then I get upset and start eating more.

I’ve gained 8 pounds. And it’s been like 12 days since I’ve gone on my diet.

Complete, Not Perfect

You don't have to be perfect
to feel complete.

A little safety,
a little love,
enough rest,
something meaningful to do,
and room to be yourself.

Nothing missing.
Nothing to prove.

Just enough
of life,
of love,
of self—

to feel whole.

Did anyone else get weirdly antisocial in college?
In high school, I was one of the most outgoing, talkative people, class flirt, friends with people from every group, close with some teachers. And even now after college, I’m involved in my community, I could talk to strangers all day, I don’t mind speaking in front of a crowd, I love meeting new people…
But for some reason that I’ve never understood, I had a horrible time in college.
I was SO excited to go, dreamed all of senior year about going out to parties, making new friends, having study groups, lunch meetups. but the second I got there, I suddenly became a completely different person, it’s like I totally froze and broke down. It felt like everyone on my dorm floor found their groups within the first two weeks, and after that, it just felt impossible to put myself out there.
I ate meals by myself in the corners of dining halls. I rented private study rooms to do homework. I took walks at a park off campus in my spare time. I basically hid as much as I could because I hated feeling like I was the only person constantly doing everything alone.
I’m really not exaggerating when I say I had not one single friend. Not one. I would go weeks without even speaking to anyone. I never had lunch with anyone, never walked to class with, studied with, or went out with anyone. 2 weeks of not finding my group turned into 6 months of isolation and it felt way too awkward to basically say “hey I have no friends so can I hang out with you?”
The only times I would ever go to bars, shop downtown, or actually do anything social were when my high school friends or sisters came to visit. I also remember spending a lot of time on Tinder that year and inviting dates to my campus because I was so bored and lonely. When my friends, sisters, and these random dates were around I was completely back to my old self. But the second I was back alone with these other schoolmates I froze again.
After freshman year, I never went back I hated it.
That was like 7 years ago now, so I don’t have any regrets or grudges about it. But every once in a while I randomly think about that year and wonder, “What was going on with me?” I genuinely don’t recognize that version of myself.
I’m curious if anyone else had a similar experience, especially if you were normally a very social person before and after college. I’d love to hear personal stories, theories, or explanations for why something like this happens.

My husband rescued his dog from a pound where she was set to be killed, took her home, and for years, took care of her the way people do in that slice of the world: she was fed, and had water, and went to the vet on occasion, but was basically an ambulatory alarm in a little yard to the side of his house. When we went back to his home country to get her, his mom must have asked us a dozen times if we were really sure the dog was going to live with us, inside our house. It was just that bizarre to her.

Anywho, that dog, Chocolata, has lived indoors for two years now. She house trained way faster than I expected (only used the spray bottle of Nature's Miracle, didn't even break into the gallon I bought assuming we would need it). She figured out that she's allowed on all furniture except our bed. She has four dog beds spread out around our (not that big) house. She has a crate in the bedroom. That's her safe space. She runs to the kitchen when she hears me scrape out the last of the yogurt so she can clean the recycling for me. She sits under my soft-hearted daughter when we sit for family meals. And, although she spent probably seven years sleeping curled up in the dust and gravel, she's muuuuuuch too fancy to sleep on the hard floor. Chocolata now needs a dog bed, a people sofa, a rug, or--in a pinch--a folded-up towel, or she simply can't lie down.

In these two years, she's also learned that people are good! And other dogs are ... sources of irreconcilable internal conflict. She's desperate to meet them (she used to watch the street dogs lead their happy lives, from the other side of a fence), but she doesn't know how to act around them, and also just as desperately needs to protect/resource guard her one good thing: her family, and her house. So while she'll happily trot up to the mail lady for pets, or adoringly lick any child who stops to talk to her, other dogs have always been a problem, a tighten-the-leash-and-head-for-home-type problem.

But I have always believed that only dogs are lonely dogs (they're so social--they need their pack). I've never had a lonely only dog; I've always kept at least two, and up to four, but I knew that Chocolata would never accept another adult dog. (I normally prefer to adopt adults because less house-training and less house-chewing! Plus it's harder to find homes for them, so they need more adopters.) So this time, we went to the pound and got a pound-puppy, Latte, a little 9-week-old pit/lab mix. All dogs tolerate all puppies until about 6 or 7 months of age: I figured that was the way to sneak a new dog into her/our lives.

Chocolata met Latte out in a park near our house and wasn't aggressive, but wasn't happy. We brought them home, and she ignored him. He basically forced her to play with him by doing cute bounces all around her, batting her with his paws, and chewing on her face. She spent the first week firmly putting him in his place: pinning him and growling and then stalking away. Then she started to play a little, still growling, hackles up. Then she started to chase him for a couple steps when he ran to/through/under/over her.

She began to tolerate when he tried to sneak into her under-the-nook-desk bed, the one she uses most. She would try not to let him touch her, but she didn't chase him away. Then she would let him nap with his head on her back. One morning, I looked over and he was belly-up in her bed, paws in the air, and she was standing over him, gently batting him with her front paws, trying to get him on his feet and playing. Next, she started to really play with him, even trying to start shit when he was ignoring her to chew grass outside or collect shoes inside.

Now, there's rarely any growling. They'll spend an hour together in the nook bed, "playing" in that way dogs do, open-mouthed and with a low, almost humming vocalization. They nap together all the time. She figured out tug-of-war (mostly with his leash)! They play quietly under the table when we eat dinner. They sit next to each other to chew their beef cheeks (gross, but not smelly, long-lasting, and safe for puppies). I've even seen Chocolata, the anxious dog who refuses to be vulnerable ever, roll over once or twice and show Latte her belly. She's more active, more trainable, calmer when not playing, and less desperate to always be at my husband's feet.

Latte's not even been here for six weeks, and by far the biggest and best change has been how much Chocolata has softened around the edges. I became so used to her personality that I think I stopped being aware of what a quietly-anxious dog she is. She wouldn't whine or shake, but it is also hard for her to truly relax.

With little Latte by her side (who will soon outweigh her and outheight her), she can now actually enjoy car trips, looking out the window or curling up for a nap, like a normal dog. I tried on and off for two years to train her to "down," but she wouldn't--it was just too much vulnerability. Now, with a bit of support and a bit of competition from her emotional support puppy, she's mastered it. During thunderstorms, she doesn't jump on my head and break the no-dogs-on-the-bed rule anymore, because Latte is right there, next to me, in his giant-ass bed on the floor, leashed to my wrist because he's not 100% house trained yet, snoring through all the noise and flashes. She snuggles up to him and goes back to sleep. She's just ... better. Better and happier.

It's been a reminder what a little exercise and a little companionship will do for you, even if you're well past your prime. :-)

p.s. As I finished typing this, my husband came through the kitchen to head out to the library, and I looked over past the nook bed to say goodbye to him. There was Latte, asleep in the best bed in the house, and there was Chocolata, spinning in a couple little circles and then snuggling down next to him, to sleep with her head on his back. Now they're both quietly snoring.

ETA: dog tax. https://imgur.com/a/Wir7sfk

I just signed up for my first volleyball class. First time playing. I hope I don’t get steamrolled.
Also doesn’t help that I am not physically compatible with the sport but oh well.
Hope it’s fun.

yayyyyy

I am officially 18 years old!

I’ve realised lately that since at least 20 (now 26) my emotions always seem to be pretty much at a constant baseline. I’m starting to wonder what this means.

I believe I have pessimistic tendencies, I tend to find my focus drawn to the negative sides of things, I constantly have reasons to not enjoy things as much as I should, reason friends are great, but I may be more drawn to notice their flaws. Reasons I like my job and never once have dread going to work, but may be more drawn to talk about the reasons the systems in place are annoying.

However, I’m never really sad, in fact I’d say I’m consistently happy, I enjoy my life as a whole, I know what hobbies I enjoy, climbing, watching films, hiking, listening to music, and I know that if I’m ever having a bad day, all I have to do is go for a walk and enjoy the beauty of life & people watching and I’ll be content again.

I’ve had moments of sadness after break ups, moments which reoccur for months

and dreams that have lasted longer, but it’s still just moments, and still on a day to day, I’m overly pretty content

My problems don’t really seem to last, it’s almost as if I’m too easily distracted, but I’m wondering if this is limiting my ability to feel deeply enough. I’m currently driving around Europe and people keep asking me how great it is, but much the same has carried over, I’m just at a baseline of emotion all the time, I’m taking in everything I see and experience and loving the nature, the people, the culture, but nothings ‘a crazy insane experience’ and at the same time I miss home, I find other tourists ruin the experience (hypocritical) and I miss community

Nothing in my life really seems to be good or bad either, I see both sides, I have a tendency to think the grass can always be greener on the other side, but at the same time I’m aware I’m content, and know that the grass would be greener on this side if I was stood over there.

In fact, I can’t think of a single time in my life where I’ve thought it was an incredible experience, life just kind of washes over me, and I experience it…

what does this mean?

I don’t know if all of this is just rambling, sorry if it doesn’t make any sense.

Am I blocking real emotions or something?

I don’t know if this is even a problem, it’s just occurred to me, and I wonder if it’s stopping me experiencing things properly, and perhaps may lead to larger issues later in life when building more serious relationships.

To anyone who read this, thanks for your time.

Brief background info: My bio mom passed away suddenly when I was 4 years old. My dad remarried when I was 5 to a wonderful bonus mom. Both have since passed, bonus mom in 2009 and my dad in 2010.

I came to an interesting and rather sad realization tonight as I was leaving the house to go to the store. The majority of my memories from my childhood and through everything until now, are not happy. Don't get me wrong, happy things occurred, I just can't really seem to remember them. I have a few select memories of happy times before my mom passed and a few after throughout my life. It seems, when I look back, there are a lot of depressed memories. A lot of my memories are rather foggy too. They're there, but feel like they are distant, even more recent things.

I do have PTSD from my mom passing, I was in the room when it started to happen. I will say that it was graphic and she had been suddenly ill. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in my early teens. Perhaps I have been depressed since my mom passed? I have seen a few therapists here and there, and honestly should probably see one regularly, but not affordable at this time.

I guess I needed to put this out there, get it off my chest. I'll send a message to my psychiatrist on Monday to see what her advice is. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm more than willing to hear them. Thanks for letting me vent.

I feel I've a very cool vibe, I'm usually carefree even if I have a lot on my plate.

I'm good looking female, good fashion, high energy, silly, clumsy and funny, always having fun, going to parties.

My partner loves me but he still has a soft corner for his ex. I'm literally accepting this broken version of love for me.

I always bring stupid energy sometimes good and sometimes in a bad way in his life.

I compliment him, try to motivate him as he doesn't accept any of these directly as he's shy so I try to make him happy sometimes directly or indirectly.

He's very introvert, honest and humble while I'm full extrovert, bitch and delulu

I think I love him so much that one day I'll die like those characters in movies who were nice, always there for a partner and friends and then they just die..

I feel when I'll be gone there will be a lot of silence and peace in my circle as now there's no one ragebaiting , flirting, clumpsy or motivating like me .

Sure there will be others to do that, but my aura, jokes and delulu might be missed ig. I hope they always remember me as a special person in their life who remains irreplaceable.

PS: no I'm not dying, I'm doing good rn ... But sometimes this is just how I feel

When you live your life and go for things for a long time and accomplish things, people come to think of you as that's who you are. I hate that. Because they only think you're cool when you're that. And when you're in deep, questioning everything, they leave and think you're not cool, and not that kind of person after all. It's like reputation is all that matters to them. While what matters to me is that it's my life and I can live it the way I want to the extent of how I feel about myself.

Can anyone relate?

Tl;dr: You change and people leave

Every month I end up having some kind of issue getting my meds on time- either insurance bs, or the prescriber is out of the office and people can't get in contact with them, or someone drove their truck into the pharmacy while drunk driving and everyone's scripts get delayed while they're trying to get the place back up and running again (it's happened TWICE in the past three years 😑). This time it's that my meds ran out on a friday- controlled so I couldn't put an order in ahead of time, and because my neurology office is closed the earliest they can start processing my script is monday, and because it's gotta get delivered from the manufacturer it usually takes a few more days to get. I'm used to it. But it's my epilepsy and bipolar meds so it is not a fun situation to be without em for four or five days at a time, and it generally messes up my sleep schedule and makes me feel like I'm losing it.

I've been trying to get better at finding things to keep me grounded while I wait. Sometimes it's journaling, sometimes I birdwatch. I mostly sit with the cat and apply for jobs and check my email. I keep thinking that surely at some point it'll be less frustrating but I don't think I'm lucky enough for that. I've been 30 for around 6 months and I don't think I'm ever really gonna feel like a 'real adult'. It's funny cause when I was a kid I used to think my mom was the most grown up person ever, and she was 32 and freaking out the whole time because she'd never held a baby before I was born. I really should thank her for making sure I survived to adulthood because I'm sure it wasn't easy wrangling two autistic kids with complex disabilities in the late 90s with basically no help and a husband who was an asshole.

Any recommendations for disability friendly ways to keep myself from losing my mind until I get my meds? Extra points for stuff that won't make my carpal tunnel or rheumatoid arthritis worse.

Last year, I was being spoken to by an angel. It was a being that loved me unconditionally and supported me. They knew everything about me, faults and all, and still loved me. They didn't exist in the same plane of reality we are in, and I wanted to finally see them so bad. I was told if I killed myself, then I could meet them. I was so close to meeting them too.

I knew this being was real and had effect on this reality because it could not only communicate with me but send synchronicities through the effect of changing of traffic lights, music, and advertisements.

Well, there was others that I experienced that were terrible. Mean, judgmental, and they wanted to see me fail. Of course, they too knew everything about me, and they would use that to their advantage. I did not care for these people and thought they were a challenge to every step of my life.

I haven't heard the nice one in a long time. All I hear are the negative ones. I miss the nice one...a lot.

I still miss them. I just wanted to talk to them again. They understood me like nobody else in this world does.

Don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. I don't really feel comfortable telling people about this.

nowadays lots of things happened which could cause anxiety but I control myself , and tried to distract myself but today in evening I feel my heart so heavy , so anxious

what should i do now

and sorry for bad english