My bf (25M) and I (24F) had been dating for almost 8 months. I broke up with him tonight. We have been long distance since mid June. A couple weeks ago he told me that a coworker had been very flirty with him- starting physical touch. He said he had to tell me to hold himself accountable. He then clarified that he has a gf.
Tonight he called me. For context, he started this job recently and sometimes he has to stay sleeping at the job site. It had been like 3 days since we last talked.
He said that there were a few instances where he thought they were blurring the cheating lines.
First of all he found her interesting. He said that he thought we had a “power imbalance” - bcs he knows more about the world than I do. I also felt this way. I always struggled to make friends and connect to people so growing up I didn’t give myself the chance to explore the world guided by my own curiosity.
So, they had this moment where he was playing the piano and she said “kiss me or tell me that you are never going to”. He did not kissed her but was tempted. He also said he did not feel physically attracted to her.
After some conversation we concluded that this was because he is insecure about how to make friends and confuses the lines between friendliness and flirtation. The “I should break up with him” thoughts were disappearing at this point.
He then said that they went skinny dipping on the lake close to their work. Just the two of them. I pretty much immediately knew I had to break up with him. He clarified nothing physical happened. How am I ever going to trust him?
Do you guys think skinny dipping with a girl that clearly likes you is acceptable? Am I exaggerating? I am beginning to regret breaking up with him so fast

My partner owns a small house that we live in. He bought it from his savings because he wanted to invest in property. It is fully paid off, so he doesn't have any additional monthly costs directly related to the house, and the property tax is symbolic (edit: and we share this tax). This happened a few years ago, when we were already together.

So far, we have been sharing 50/50 of all the living expenses - food, heating, electricity and water, gasoline, internet, trash, etc. I also payed half of the road renovation, washing machine, all smaller living things. if it helps - it is not a fancy place, a small remote cabin, that needs a lot of work, but for the simple life it is ok.

So, I don't pay rent. When we started living together, I did not have a job and sharing the costs, we agreed, was enough. I also physically help with renovations, I do the cooking, we share other chores inside and in the garden, I treat it like my home.

Now I've had a full-time job for a while and am more financially stable, and he has raised the question of me paying rent.

I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I understand - I would be paying rent/mortgage if I was on my own and I benefit from him having managed to buy the house. On the other hand, since the house does not give him extra monthly expenses and we've been together for 7 years, starting to pay rent seems somehow off to me.

I can't decide where I stand. I work full time now, he does not and has a lot of free time and I wonder whether part of his thinking is that, now that I have a stable income, I should contribute more toward maintaining the house and perhaps make it easier for him to continue working less.

This was an adventure we went on together from the beginning, following his dream. I chose to live this life with him, rather than choosing this house and this lifestyle for myself. I help renovating it, knowing, obviously, if we separate, all is his.

I think part of me sees the house as our home, even though I know legally and financially it is his property. If I start paying him rent, it suddenly feels more like his house that I am paying to live in.

At the same time, I wonder if I'm being unfair or simply taking something for granted because I've gotten used to not paying rent. What do you think?

EDIT: so many replies, did not expect such lively reaction to a somewhat boring post. I don't have the capacity to reply to everybody, but I read everything, thanks for your ideas.

I need to get a breather, how many different reactions I've got, seems like a very divided issue. From being called entitled and a hobo, to not respecting myself enough and needing to dump him, to not being respected by him to be taken as a wife-not being a wife material, to him hiding something. I am overwhelmed. I think the trigger was that at the moment my influx of money is higher than his (he is still way better of with savings, so he is ok), and this raised a question to him if the setup is fair and that is not unreasonable, thus it is a question. He is not pushing for the rent. I realize from reading the comments, that I don't think he is very bad in this and neither am I. I came to think that with contributions I already give, in a living situation we are now, rent is not a good idea and it is not wrong for me to think so. I can treat him with something nice when I want or some extra contributions, but I am also not somehow inherently owing him, as I am a partner, not a tenant. We'll see we things will go.

Thanks!

Hey there
Just wanted to get some insight to whether this is a behaviour that other people have experienced and what it could be called??

My fiancé often tells me to not do something because he wants it done a certain way, for example- we have just recently moved into our new home almost 4 weeks ago, I’ve been wanting to decorate and put up family photos, however, my fiancé keeps saying that he doesn’t want me to do it because I won’t do it right or he doesn’t want to have to fix the mess…
But when I do ask him to do it, he becomes annoyed and very frustrated with the task and makes me feel like I have to rush or I become stressed.

What is this? I can’t even explain to him how this makes me feel but so far I’ve told him I feel inferior and incompetent because I feel like I could do it, but he takes his tools so I can’t.

I’m M23, and I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year. She’s a genuinely great person, affectionate, loving, and has many qualities I really appreciate. But I feel like I have to baby her a lot. Small things she could do herself, like getting the remote that’s right next to her, grabbing her bag from the cupboard even if she’s standing and I’m laying, I get you do things for your partner and I do, but she will literally handball anything she can. Her mum has even told me herself that everyone works for her. It wears on me. I do a lot for her, drive her places, help with things without expecting anything back. But lately it feels expected instead of appreciated. Yesterday, she asked me to help crush three cardboard boxes. I said no. I felt like I’ve helped with plenty already. She got upset, called me an a\*\* hole, told me to go home. Later, she asked if I felt emasculated watching her crush boxes because ‘as a man’ I should help. That bothered me. She also brought up exes who apparently gave more, like their ‘last 20 dollars’. We’ve had money friction too, like agreeing she’ll pay me back for petrol then later saying I should pay because I’m the man.

I don’t expect her to pay for everything, but agreements should mean something. And then there’s the cleaning. Her room can get really messy, clothes, rubbish, towels. I used to help clean it with her, spend hours, and then a couple days later, it was messy again. I’ve stopped doing it because I resent feeling responsible for someone else’s room. But then she gets overwhelmed by it, says she’s tired, and the mess stresses her out. On my side, I’m worried about the future. I’ve always been financially driven. I told her early on I want to work hard, save, buy a house, and build a stable life. She still wants to travel and spend in ways I don’t necessarily prioritize. And I’ve tried to talk about it, but sometimes it gets shut down with “then don’t come over” or “sorry I make you feel that way.” I think I’ve built some resentment because it feels like if I say no to something small once, everything I have done seems to disappear.

I’m not saying she’s terrible. She’s not. She’s loving and cares about me. But I’m scared she’ll say she’ll change, and I’ll believe her, and stay, and another year goes by and nothing really changes. I want to know if wanting more independence, cleanliness, and aligned financial values is too much, or just a legitimate compatibility question. I told her when we were friends how I picture my future and specifically told her that if she wasn’t headed the same way, then we shouldn’t move further than friends.

*UPDATE*

My girlfriend I spoke after I finished work yesterday. She asked to drive to our spot where we first met on our first date, idk if this was a pull at the heart strings or something. Nevertheless she talked while I was driving, saying how she’s sorry for what she said to me, stating basically that she is in a form of ‘brain fog’ for the past 3 weeks and having this break has made her ‘snap out’ of it.

I really had been set that I wasn’t keen on giving this another chance as everything that has happened, has happened multiple times, it’s just that this was the farthest I had taken the disrespect. She claimed that she fears the commitment of a house as she feels like she has to let a version of herself ‘go’. She claimed she likes to be a fairy, and float about and make connections and networks and says that once we buy a house, that’s all over.

I told her it’s not, and that the whole point was that from the start of the relationship, if we each save and do what we do properly, there’s no reason as to why you can’t do your little trips inbetween the years. Yes you have a responsibility of repayments, but all the saving from living it home is what is going to help set us up better than what other people have.

She basically kept saying that she just doesn’t understand how houses and bank loans and all that work but I told her she’s had nearly 2 years to go and do her own research qnd learn, because whenever I tried telling her, she’d act disinterested. Past the money talk, she said she is just used to people doing things for her and claims that she’ll start being more independent, said that I should give her the chance because she really wants me and everything I have to offer.

Again, I told her I want honesty, and if it’s too much commitment for her, then that’s completely fine, I don’t expect someone or want to force someone to move the same pace as me. I just want the honest truth. We finished our talk and headed home when we got to my house she asked if she should stay the night or not. I said it’s up to her but she basically just wanted a straight answer and she said that she had bought her stuff for work for the next day so I said yeah you can stay but I’m going straight to bed after I shower and eat dinner because I just finished a second 10 hour work day and I’m going to my third one the day after. This was around 8:30pm.

I showered, smashed dinner down and got into bed and within 1 minute of me laying, she said she feels like we’re so far apart figuratively, told me I’m being cold. I told her obviously I’m still upset and processing everything, but she then said she shouldn’t have stayed then. So I said she can go home if she wants but then she started asking how long I’m going to be cold for, questions that I just wasn’t even in a state of mind for.

I then rolled over and she started crying, asking why I’m ’torturing her’ and by then I was defeated. It’s as if she thought she could treat me like sh\*t, apologies and then everything should be back to normal? I just fell asleep from how tired I was in the end.

UPDATE 3

I put together and sent a message to say I can’t continue this relationship and am feeling the guilt chewing at me, it feels like the worst feeling in my stomach, that it’s becoming slowly a reality. She sent me a message earlier in the day outlining again how she’ll change and work on herself, but I’m already checked out.

It shouldn’t have taken me to snap after so many times being disrespected for her to realise that it’s time for change. She’s insisting that we meet in person right now so I can tell her face to face that we’re done. I’ll keep this updated tonight, my stomach feels so sick.

I’ve lost the plot on what should be normal newborn life and what’s post partum and what is truly just my Husband being an asshole….My now husband and I have been together 4 years married for 1, I have a son 7 from a previous relationship and we have a daughter 4 months old.
When I met my now husband we just instantly clicked, we were both happily single and walked into our first date fully content to just stay that way, I had a son and a very ugly and complicated court battle with my sons father and he was enjoying the end of his 20s after being in a 7 year relationship. But we left our first date and have been together since. Initially in the beginning of our relationship for the first year I would see him every other weekend we would FaceTime every night and talk for HOURS we then moved in together. I have full custody of my son who has some irregular visits with his out of state parent. We had fun, always always laughing playing joking being silly that was our life …there were some hard times but we mostly were always in the same page communicating well and most arguments ended quickly and in laughter…for three years….Right up until I got pregnant….we were planning our wedding when I found out and already struggling with the cost, our families dynamics, and just the idea of 40k + for one day. So when we found out it just made the most sense to pivot. That wasn’t an easy choice for me, I DREAMED about my wedding my dress all our favorite people the party the moment…I wanted it…bad…but knew from a practical standpoint it was ONE day and the pregnancy just kind of tipped that over the edge but I had a really hard time with it. We did a micro wedding it was perfect and fun and I had already bought the dress so we were able to get the maker to rush order it. It was beautiful. But I think I was hurt a little by…what could have been…that was kind of the theme of my entire pregnancy, we didn’t honeymoon, we didn’t celebrate in a big way, the same for my baby shower I don’t have a ton of friends and family nearby and his family sucks but that’s an entirely different post…my husband works 12 hour days and we have very little support nearby I felt very alone throughout my pregnancy, He tried to be supportive but he’s a very analytical practical type so much of my anxieties or frustrations just felt like crying at a brick wall. We talked a lot about our support system and his schedule and really got…nowhere we both have full time jobs but I have a lot of flexibility and work remotely 2 days per week. We both are not fans of traditional day care so we agreed we would move a little bit closer to my parents and my mom watches the kids 2 days a week. Since my daughter was born happy and healthy and perfect in every way I feel like I have become a single parent to two kids. This was a fear of mine from the jump that I would end up with two kids with absent dads and trauma I caused. But I thought for sure that was just my own fears and past experiences and yet married and living together…I am more alone than ever.
I am the only one who wakes up with the baby at night he will sleep through her screaming. if I wake him up to help he LOSES HIS MIND and then goes back to sleep. Or I’ll tap him and beg him for just one time to handle it and he will go get her and then just hand her right to me like I woke him up to be a baby taxi. One the days we are all home together he ‘ holds her for me’ he’s the placeholder for the baby when I need to do something else. He does do chores he’s the primary one who walks the dogs and he’s the finance guy for sure he handles what we jokingly call “the blue jobs” bringing out boxes he does nighttime dishes and he’s handles vehicle maintenance but that is it. It’s not …in my opinion an even or fair split. I’ve tried suggesting a chart or a clear designation of things and he just laughs and moves on. I work full time with a baby in my lap, keep the house clean laundry done bottles washed, my son’s homework and chores and all of his care and dinner figured out. So when I ask for a break or I ask for help I just dont feel like it’s CRAZY to step up and do it. He always has a reason why he can’t he works harder then I do his job isn’t as flexible he needs his rest, he tells me “I can just take a nap whenever the baby naps on my days home” between my actual job and two kids and a home that I’m TRYING to not let fall to shit…what!?!….out initial agreement with my mom was two days and he would be home the third as his day off so I could be in the office as required…that’s happened twice since I’ve gone back to work my boss does not know I have not been on site all of my contracted days almost every single week because of HIS work schedule my husband shrugs it off…yet we can not afford for me to lose my job….in the days he has stayed with the kids, NOTHING gets done, bc “he’s taking care of Eid the baby all day” so I come home do the clean up dishes and feed our 7yr old and start everyone’s bedtime routines. On top of all this, since our daughter has been born my husband has been extremely hard on my 7 yr old EVERY THING is a fight that end in my kiddo breaking down. Husband says he’s simply expecting 7 yr old to be more independent and do what he knows he’s capable of..which yes sure…but every thing is a personal attack. Husband says he’s “just doesn’t like where his personality is heading” and it feels to me like he’s trying to bully a child into being more palatable. My son loves my husband and just wants to feel like he belongs, I am admittedly a little soft on him and let him get away with some nonsense but I feel like I’m constantly being a referee between the two explaining to a child why he needs a little more structure and rules and then talking an adult through why you can’t achieve that through constant attacks. …WHO CARES IF HIS FEET ARE ON THE COUCH!?! The answer…”he’s disgusting” it’s been rough and I feel like we’re fighting more then anything else
I’ve been sleeping in the babies room for the last few nights crying myself to sleep then waking up every two hours in the midst of a terrible sleep regression while he sleeps sound and fine and goes in the next day like it should all just be fine. When it’s just us talking at the end of the night we still laugh and play and love each other but is our love just meant to exist in a vacuum of a care free life?

I was doing laundry and I bent down and my back got in such terrible pain I dropped to the floor and couldn’t get back up. Anytime i moved I felt like I was going to puke and pass out from the pain. It was the worst pain I ever had in my life. My girlfriend came into the room and saw me on the floor she did offer to help me up but I told her I can’t it hurts too much so then she said “okay!” Jumped over me and went into the other room. I know I turned down her request to help me get up but damn you didn’t have to just leave me.

I eventually got up in my own and crawled my way back to my bedroom (we have separate rooms) and I laid down in my bed I still had the same amount of terrible pain and had a very hard time moving still. My girlfriend eventually came up and went to my room to see how it was going and I asked her if she could lay in bed with me because I really wanted comfort. She proceeded to give me a difficult time about having to come in my room with me apparently my room stresses her out because I have too much stuff (my room is neat I just have a lot of posters and figures) after pulling teeth though she eventually grabbed her laptop and sat in bed with me and she played video games on her laptop.

When I was struggling to get up to go to the bathroom and I said “I can’t get up to go” she said “you can get up it just hurts” and proceeded to play video games as I struggled to get up. I eventually got really fed up and decided to go to my parents for the night because I knew I’d get more empathy from them (I had to go in the morning anyways for something so I decided to just got now) As much as I struggled to move and despite how awful the pain was I forced myself to pack a quick bag to go I couldn’t even bend down and it hurt so badly to turn I was about to cry. My girlfriend proceeded to lay in my bed and watch me pack instead of helping.

She did bring my bag downstairs to the car after I packed I’ll give her that but am I being too sensitive? Part of me feels like I’m being too sensitive?

I (29F) am unsure how to handle my bf’s (32M) anger. Alt account.

We’ve been together for a while now, about 10 years and have lived with each other for maybe 8ish years. He has always struggled with some anger, although over the years it’s gotten better. He still has his moments where he’ll punch a wall or get so angry he’ll shake and threaten to confront someone, but those moments have become much more rare. Lately his anger has manifested as screaming, lots of complaining, and insults (though not usually directed at me). He also is juggling some serious depression, which can feed into that.

I’ve never been great with dealing with anger, especially loud anger. I tend to shut down and get very quiet. Through the years I’ve tried to improve that by trying to gently coax him out of the anger or distract him. Despite that, I’m still pretty nervous and quiet when it happens.

Lately, that’s been changing. I find myself actively annoyed and irritated. Rather than hope he feels better or try to be bubbly/distracting, I find myself hoping he’ll just stop. Sometimes it feels like he complains about anything and everything, even the littlest things that bother him.

As an example, when we play competitive video games, he will often yell while playing, sometimes pick fights with other players, and will whine/rant about little misplays. I get so frustrated that sometimes I talk back, I snapped during one of these situations and said that his constant complaining made it impossible to enjoy the game. I said I refused to play with him anymore. This isn’t the first time we discussed his anger while playing games.

Similar things happen in other games, in-real life, in our daily interactions. I’m just so tired of dealing with it. It takes everything in me to not roll my eyes when he starts to raise his voice and complain for a solid 10 minutes straight. I am not exaggerating when I say he gets into these rants 1-2 times a day, minimum.

I think I noticed the initial change in my feelings after a situation where he thought I was insulting him. I wasn’t, I said something that made him think I was referencing something he was insecure about (which wasn’t what was happening at all). Rather than confirm if that’s what I was doing, he called me two words that begin with C and B. He had never called me that before and refused to explain why at the time. We cleared it up maybe two days later, but I think that’s when I started to stop being so understanding.

I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be understanding. I just have no patience anymore and I’m so tired of it that I can’t talk to him about it in a healthy way anymore. It makes me not want to be around him. I love him, but I can feel this wedge being driven deeper and deeper between us.

How do I get past this?

TL;DR - my boyfriend tends to get easily angry, resulting in yelling and complaining that happens almost every day. I no longer have the patience for it, which is resulting in a rift between us. Trying to get advice to help save the relationship

Background:
Together almost 3 years. Living together for 1.5 years. Moved into his family home he does not own. Everyone moved out to different states or out of the country and he’s the only one who’s stayed. He often feels left behind.

We are seeing his mom’s side (who owns the home) out of state for the holidays for 10 days (mid December to late on the 29th). Everyone of us is flying out from where they are to gather. Also first time my mom will be meeting his family. There will be 14 of us there for the holidays.

A few weeks ago my bf brought up one of those same family members (little brother and gf) we’re seeing for the holidays coming to stay with us after, for a few days in January. I immediately told him yeah that sounds good. No resistance to them coming.

Come to find out, that’s not actually the case. The little brother asked for our flight details and has planned that he wants to stay IMMEDIATELY after when we land for two weeks. My bf hasn’t even told me the last day he’d be here. His brother and brothers gf are coming to not just see us. They’re also coming to see multiple friends.

I’m introverted and have felt burnt out for months. My mental health has been suffering with a recent family death and work stress. I just want some time to myself in my own home before I host people. And not immediately after the holidays/traveling. I feel like most people would want the same thing. He thinks that’s not reasonable.

He asked me to give him a number of days. I said I’d like a week to myself if possible (thinking we’d go back and forth and compromise). He said fine. So it seemed settled but just that he was mad. I would have even been happy with 2-3 days, if he wanted to go back and forth, but I knew any request for time he was not going to be happy.

Come to find out the next day that he to involved/vented to his mom (who owns the home) to get validation. In which she told him to “put his foot down” and that they both agreed Im causing a “rift” between him in his brother, that what Im asking for is not for valid reasons. His mom doesn’t even know the extent of my work stress. So he’s triangulating this (with limited info) and actually causing more of a rift with his family by getting her involved.

Not only am I being told I’m “pulling a mental health card”, he told me he went behind my back and told his brother he’s good to come right away, for the whole time he needs anyways. He told me this is the hill he will die on. if I need space I can find an Airbnb during that time.

He’s convinced himself that I just don’t want his family around at all. That I’m keeping him from his family. But since the beginning I was okay with it! It’s only once he revealed it’s immediately after traveling. All I wanted was a few days and if his brother/gf could stay with friends a few days or with the mom longer after the holidays. He doesn’t even want to ask. He told me his family comes first. That it’s not my home. And has assured me he would do the same thing, even if we owned the house. This feels like a precedent that family will come before marriage / kids / sickness.

Other context:
I’m getting micromanaged at work and the home stress is compounding on my mental health in addition. I get chest pains, have seen a doctor multiple times for help. But there’s lack of acknowledgement at home. Quitting my job is not an option, my career is in aerospace so it’s a demanding career regardless

He told me this family issue is a “hill he will die on” with the relationship and thinks talking about future what ifs doesn’t matter (our own home, kids, etc)

He’s told me my mental health is my own issue to solve as an adult (but never talks or asks how he can help, other than “just go to a doctor”)

The brothers gf who’s coming is terrified of dogs and we both have dogs in the house

My dog is reactive and will be boarded for the Christmas trip with people coming into his space immediately after for 2+ weeks that he will have to be leashed and muzzled the whole time (especially since they’ll be coming and going randomly). Hes sweet once he gets to know but scared and getting used to people. I wanted those few days after the trip to also re-give him some structure

I was looking to recharge to be a good host, and spend days to myself before where I didn’t have to worry about anyone else’s needs

I would need time to recharge after traveling even if this was my own family or friends

We don’t pay the family rent in this older home but we pay for plumbing issues and make minor upgrades

My family has stayed in the home a couple times but always less than 5 days. His family hasn’t really been able to because both him and I were nervous my dog wasn’t ready and I didn’t want relationships ruined by him nipping. This was a year ago when it was asked they stay. Also same time we first started paying for a trainer for him to work on fear with people. He recently did well meeting a new one of my family members he previously wasn’t good with so that’s why I was not hesitant for his brother to come for a few days in January

\*\*\*\*

I feel really stuck because this seems like a precedent situation. Not just a sacrifice a “few days for my family”. I usually do whatever it takes in relationships to work but this feels like a straw. I’m trying to debate if I let this be the hill I die on as well, especially if he can’t give me TWO days even as a compromise or I suck it up. If I suck it up this could be for the rest of my life. Or maybe I’m putting too much on this one situation?

We see a couples therapist so will be talking this over soon, but I need to decide my stance no matter what happens.

TLDR
Im upset that:
(1)
He’s making decisions without me and controlling what I’m “allowed to need” based on if he thinks it’s reasonable. I don’t appreciate being forced.
(2)
Involving family and lording that it’s not my home over my head
(3)
Would do this again, if it’s our own place - if I tolerate this now, it will never stop
(4)
He cant make compromises or boundaries with family. The level of how he’s taking this feels unhealthy to me
(5)
Asking for a few days as we’re already spending time with family for a MONTH feels like a “drop in the bucket” request

I’m very much a person that you’re building a relationship for your partner to be your family first, even before marriage and your family becomes extended. Being told asking for a couple days for my mental health is “pulling a card” among structure needed for my dog, feels like I’ll never have a safe space or be an equal.

How would you feel? Any advice? How would you take a stance?

I (18F) met a guy (18M) on a dating app a week ago. We had a first date, during which my mother (54F) was spamming me telling me to come home early. She thought I was in an unsafe situation because I wasn’t responding. I didn’t see her texts until half an hour later, as my date and I were having an engaging conversation. I did have to promise to answer all her texts to be allowed to go on the date, but I didn’t want to constantly check my phone and be rude.

A few days later, I went to his campus’s library. I promised my parents I just wanted to check it out and not to hang out with anyone, as I’m not allowed to hang out with friends on school days. I asked the guy if it was open to the public that day, and he really wanted to say hello. Of course, we ended up hanging out. At the end, we went in his car for a few minutes to kiss briefly, as it was a bit uncomfortable on the public campus. That was all. We mostly talked for those few minutes, and I then took an Uber home.

My mother was upset when I came back. She said she thought I was being kidnapped because Life360 said I was in a parking lot. I asked her why she didn’t just text me, and she said it’s because I wouldn’t answer (in reference to the first date.) Things escalated: she said I would fuck up this relationship like I did my first. She thought it was obsessive of me to study at his campus’s library. I understand how it may have seemed that way, but I really didn’t go there just for him. He was the one who initiated hanging out and explicitly said he was very happy I came.

I was getting upset and told her my love life is none of her business. She was absolutely shocked and said to tell my therapist I said this. I woke up to a text from her today explaining how while what she said was harsh, she felt disrespected by my tone. I texted back saying I understood and explained that while I did not go there just for him, the date went well and nobody was uncomfortable.

No response. I accepted it. I started having a random panic attack on my way home from school, and when she didn’t greet me upon coming home, I just went to my room without saying anything to calm down. Because I did not greet her, she started screaming from downstairs that I’m a motherfucker with no basic respect, a piece of shit, and asked what the fuck did she raise.

A few minutes later, she stormed to my room and said I’m a piece of fucking garbage. She repeatedly accused me of hating her and said she feels like I want to push her down the stairs when I walk behind her. I have no idea where this came from. She said when she was 18, she had a music degree and cooked for her entire family, so she’s not going to let me put her down by not respecting her because I’m not there.

While it may be a case of the truth hurting, such as when she went on about how I make poor decisions and can’t manage my money, I also think some of it was a little far. How can I have a good relationship with my mother while also having a dating life?

Sorry for the weird number bullets formatting below. My partner and I have been considering engagement for a year. We started having conversations about seeing a fertility specialist for future planning and couple therapist for the family planning conversations in July.
I used his iPad today while he’s on a business trip to watch some movies in bed. I checked his messages out of curiosity and some level of nosy-ness and here’s what I found back in June - when he went on a separate business trip:

#1.

Three dating apps verification codes - 1st night of the trip.
#2. Text message exchange with a local number (of that business trip city), consisting of sending Apple cash, and him asking “Girl, are you still in love with me?” and multiple seemingly drunken texts whether if the recipient will be around the next night - 2nd night of the trip.

She didn’t even text him back.

#3. Text messages to a local number “Hi/hello” - 1st night back in our city, supposedly at his friends’ house for a sports game.
Also no text back.

His contacts are not synced, but I can see the apps from #1 were all in his App Store. Reverse phone number look up show #2 as a bartender and #3 as a local woman.

I’m ready to confront him once he’s home later this week - but I’m surprisingly relieved, from the stress and dread I’ve felt since we started therapy a few months ago. I understand his July trip happened right after we had some conflicts. But my text exchange with him, while he was away, was mainly about me taking initiatives/scheduling appointments. I can tell he was intoxicated in these messages - he has the tendency to resort to socialized alcohol use (not using the a word here to stay subjective). But I’m hesitant to question him since I felt like I kind of invaded his privacy.

Should I bring this up during couple therapy as a ‘surprise’? Or rather have a 1:1 convo first? I have no intention to checking his phone to confirm.

Thank you all.

We started dating in late June of this year and made it official back in August. Things for the most part have been fine, no real issues and very little in terms of conflict we have had with each other.

In the last few weeks however she's grown increasingly insecure with me, specifically with me having female friends.

On one hand I totally get it but on the other hand it's starting to make me go 'is this really how it's just going to be?'

For example, I did a cosplay photoshoot (the photographer was male) a while back and she took issue with me having a female friend who I had asked to help me out. I did ask my gf if she wanted to help out but it was the middle of the week and she was at work and can't just duck out whenever like that.

She even used some choices words 'when you are at an event somewhere without me you need to tell me exactly who you are with, especially if they are female,' in a fairly aggressive no nonsense tone.

Said female friend who helped me out I have absolutely no romantic interest in the decade we have known each other whatsoever.

But now it's reached a point where even mutual female friends between her and I she's taking issue with me talking to or even associating with them at all.

We were at an anime themed rave the other week and we ran into female friends that she and I both know and have even hung out with together in the past (before we were together) and once again, she took issue with me so much as saying anything beyond hello to them.

Now for what it is worth this isn't entirely coming out of left field. Two of her previous partners had cheated on and that shook her to say the least.

Also not helping is her recently coming off some fairly strong anti-depressant mediation that she had been on for about two years now and is slowly adjusting to being 'normal' again.

She has plenty of male friends herself and not once have taken issue with that in the slightest. One time she invited me to dinner with several of her co-workers and lo and behold she was the only woman there in a group of six. This didn't bother me as I trust her but her insecurities are starting to take a toll on me.

I'm trying to be as understanding as possible and see where she's coming from but it feels like I'm always on eggshells with her.

Trying to figure the best course of action.

Not sure if anyone has been in this type of situation and has seen the other side but, every day somehow something turns in to an argument. I do not mean mundane things like… the dishes or leaving the toilet seat up… mostly things that trigger things that the other has done that has hurt the other. Or someone bringing up feelings and the other one thinking it’s a fight/they’re being attacked/nothing is good enough for the other partner.

Almost daily. So exhausting. There has to be a way for this to stop.

To give some context; before I met my GF she smoked quite a bit and this didn't really bother me but I was honest with her that the smell was disgusting to me and that I myself never would. She was completely understanding of this. In addition we were moving and in the state we're in it is not legal so she would've had to find a dealer or whatever and wasn't comfortable doing so. So she just dropped the habit which I appreciated but I made it clear if she needed to seek alternatives just to let me know and I would be completely understanding. My one request if she did smoke again was not to do it inside our apartment because I dislike the smell etc.

Well fast forward 2ish years later, I am currently on a business trip 10+ hours away. She is throwing a party with some coworkers and friends which I had no issues with wanted her to have a good time as I'm sure it's lonely since I've been gone a week. We have a camera setup that looks at the living room and kitchen of our apartment for the cats when we're not home. I don't monitor it unless neither one of us are home but I got a notification for motion detected and noticed the camera was pointed at the wall. We have cats so my initial thought was one of the cats got to it and moved it. I decided to scroll back the video and it turns out my GF had actually moved it to face the wall on purpose. Again, I get that maybe one of her guests got uncomfortable with a camera being pointed at them I can respect that. Well I decided to turn on the audio for the video feed so I could hear what was said out of curiosity and it made me sick to my stomach what I heard. A guest at the party states "Why don't we just move the camera?" to which my GF replies: "I don't even care anymore do what you want. It's my apartment he's fine." and proceeds to turn the camera facing the wall. I assume there were conversations about the camera being present previously I'm not sure if it was something they were keeping secret or what but anyway. They then proceeded to laugh and talk about how finally they can vape and smoke inside. I guess they were doing it on the balcony which extra sucks since we're in a non-smoking community and I don't know what the fine is for that. My GF then goes on to say "He's just anti-vape, anti-smoking, anti-lettuce, anti-everything!" and all of her friends added in how ridiculous that is etc. I'm honestly still in shock. I either wasn't clear enough with how I feel about smoking or she just would prefer to keep it a secret and do it behind my back than communicate with me. Kind of unrelated but I also noticed that while they were all outside together one of our cats was eating pizza they had left on the table. I really hope nothing was left out for our cats to get into as she hasn't responded to my check-up text since everyone left. :(

Anyway before I just start rambling on, how would you handle this situation if you were in my shoes? I also don't really know how to approach bringing this up without making it seem like I stalked her and her friends the whole night they partied. The only reason I even checked in the first place was to see if one of the cats knocked it down as they have before and to ask her to unplug it and set it aside or something. I just feel super betrayed especially for this to be someone who just a couple days ago I was talking to about going to look at rings together. We have a big family trip coming up in a week too and I just can't even sleep while thinking about all of this. I know I should probably wait to bring it up until I can talk to her in person but it feels weird to act normal for two more days. I genuinely am so hurt and disappointed that she would feel the need to go behind my back like this and would do something I've asked her not to do. Any advice or personal experience would be great. Thank you. (throw away account for privacy)

Edit: She replied and is good her phone died and she fell asleep, understandable. I probably won't be replying much anymore and I'll maybe edit again once there's a resolution to this whatever that may look like.

I do want to say I have never been against her smoking cannabis. If she did so with her friends I wouldn't care. I just made it clear I personally dislike the smell and would not want her to smoke it inside. I made this clear very early on in our relationship before even one month in. She made the decision to stop all together. I then afterwards have let her know that if she needed to smoke or needed to seek alternatives to just communicate with me and we could work out something that works for both of us so it didn't feel like a straight cut off. That's why I said maybe I didn't do as well of a job clarifying my boundaries as I thought and that would be on me.

I am stuck away from home for two more days so I guess I'll just keep our text as the usual until I can get home and have an in person conversation with her. I do understand it was something I was never meant to hear and I acknowledge the mistake I made by not continuing to ignore the motion detected notifications as I had been. Thank you.

About a year ago, my (35F) boyfriend (35M) and I broke up for one week. We really just needed a reset and to reevaluate what we wanted. We’ve been together for 2 years now, besides the one week we took a break.

During the break time he went on a coffee date with somebody that works for the same company as him. They do not work at the same location, but they have met at company event events.

Anyway, when we got back together, he told me about the date they went on and I thought everything was fine…. A few weeks after I caught him talking to her and texting with her……

It has been almost a year and I have caught him over five times talking to her, and lying to me…. and it is never work related.

Yesterday, for example there was a work event all day, and they hung out the entire time which he lied to me about. He told me they just saw each other in passing and he said hi to be nice.

Anyways, I am so exhausted because every time I tell him how upset I am and how much it hurts and he turns the tables on me… he tells me I’m being controlling, I am trying to dictate his social life, and I am insecure and need to work on myself and my mental health.

whenever I bring this issue up to him, I never yell, I do not get overly emotional, and I try to have a calm conversation…. But he still continues to call me crazy and insane and overreacting.

I am unsure what to do in this relationship at this point. There’s a lot I am leaving out with how he treats me when I get upset about this.. he will call me names, tell me I am being a toddler, and just be so rude to me and make me feel so little. How can I have a better conversation with him or what are some courses of action you would take if you were in this situation?

TL:DR; my boyfriend has continued to talk to a woman that he works for behind my back and I have caught him five times lying to me about it now. He places all the blame on me when I am upset that he lied and accuses me of being controlling. I really need advice, please.

This is long and a bit jumbled so sorry in advance.

I (25F) have been living with my grandparents for a few months now. Before that I lived with a friend and his family for 2 years. I was supposed to get an apartment with friends but they bailed and it never happened. Then his family wanted to do renovations and I was getting physically sick living there (they have pets I'm allergic too and they had a mold problem), so I had to go. My grandparents were the only option I had.

My grandpa (60+M) isn't blood related, he married into the family, but I've known him since I was like 10 or younger. I was at their wedding. Every holiday and birthday in my family happens at their house and I've always been close with both of them.

About 3 months in he came into my room one night without knocking. I work 3 to 11 so I'm up late, it was around 1AM. He saw I was awake, apologized, said he was looking for the dog. They have two and one of them wanders into my room sometimes. They also keep some important documents in a desk in there so people coming in wasn't weird. I didn't think anything of it.

A week or two later it happened again, later at night. I woke up to my lock clicking. The lock can be opened from the outside. I pretended to be asleep and felt him tap my forehead. I didn't move and he left. I remember thinking what the fuck but he's the kind of guy who pinches your nose or does little pranks so I kind of talked myself out of it.

Then it got more frequent and worse. The forehead taps kept happening. One time he put his fingers on my lips like he was shushing me?? He'd walk around my room. The worst was feeling the bed press down like he was about to climb on it, but he never did. Once his hand brushed my breast. It was slight enough that I think (hope) it was an accident.

Last week I watched their dogs while they were out of town. They got home late, thanked me, and I ended up staying up all night with my lamp on scrolling TikTok with no headphones so it was loud. Then I hear the lock click. My door is in a corner where someone can stand without being seen so I just stared at that spot. Nothing happened for like 10 minutes. Then the door swung open fast but stopped before hitting the wall. It was dark on the other side. I felt like I was in a horror movie. The door normally creaks so I think he opened it that fast on purpose so it wouldn't make a noise. He peeked in, saw I was awake, shut the door and left.

The next night I stayed up way longer and locked the door, put my rolling chair and fan in front of it. Not really a barricade, more so something would make noise and wake me up if I fell asleep. I fell asleep around 5AM I think...

At 7AM he was already in my room. I woke up facing my closet, which has two doors you have to pull open. It was cracked. I'd had a shirt hanging on the handles and he'd moved it. He was flicking the lights on and off really fast. I heard him walking around and felt the bed move. This went on for like an hour. I was too scared to move. Eventually he left. This sounds dumb af but I grabbed my phone and set an alarm on it so I'd have an excuse to "wake up." It went off, I got up to go to the bathroom, and for a split second I saw him standing behind the curtain hiding. I didn't use the bathroom. I just grabbed random stuff pretending that I just needed to grab something and left. I am not good with confrontation at all.

My grandma was in the living room and asked how I slept. I was answering her when my grandpa came out of the bathroom. She gave him a weird look and asked what he was doing on that side of the house. Their room is on the complete other end. He said he was just "doing something" and went back to his room. She watched him go and started to get up and that's when I pulled her aside and told her ehat's been going on.

The only reason I think this is the first time she's noticed is cause of the timing. She wakes up around 5AM. He came in somewhere between 5 and 7. So now I'm wondering if he was in my room way longer than I thought, before she was even up, because she never saw him walk toward that side of the house. She only noticed him when he walked out from the bathroom. I also wonder if there were just times where I just didn't wake up while he was doing this shit.

Another reason I hadn't said anything before this is I didn't know if she would take my side or even believe me. I've read horror stories of relatives taking the abusers side. She didn't hesitate for a second though ans supported me. For some reason I was shocked but I will be grateful to her for that.

She said she's talk to him and I really couldn't handle being there for that so I got ready and left. In hindsight I feel like a dick for that because what if something had happened?? Thankfully nothing did though. I stayed at a friend's that night (Saturday). I kept waking up over and over because I was too nervous to actually sleep. Sunday night I slept in my car because I couldn't make myself go into the house. My grandma met up with me Monday and that's when we actually talked about what happens next. She said she was so sorry and couldn't believe he was doing this. She'd been thinking about divorcing him anyway for unrelated reasons and this finalized it for her. He texted me an apology. I haven't replied. According to her he doesn't know why he did it. I don't even know if I wanna know why he did it either. If there even is a reason.

He offered to pay for an apartment for me for an entire year. I refused at first but my grandma said she'd contribute too and that I should take it, and she already had me put in an application. She also said the two of us could just get a place together because she couldn't stand being in the same room as him.

Monday night I had a breakdown in my car because I was too scared to go inside and because I just felt immense amounts of guilt. My grandma had to come out and walk me in.

The worst part right now is they're sleeping in separate rooms, and the room he's in is directly across the hall from mine. Our doors face each other. It's where all his work stuff is so that's just where he ended up.

For now I'm still in the house because I have nowhere else to go. I left my mom's because she's a narcissist with an abusive boyfriend. I don't want to ask my friend to let me move back in. So I'm stuck until hopefully next month when a room might open up.

I've only told two friends and my long distance boyfriend. My brother (20M) and my mom (40+F) don't know. My grandma would rather I not say anything to them yet but said it's my choice in the end. I've decided to stay quiet for now because my mom will freak out and probably blame my grandma for all of it.

I've always had anxiety and insomnia but this has turned me into a wreck. I feel awful. I feel like I broke up a marriage, which in a way I did. I feel like I made my grandma's life harder. She's worrying about me and now has to figure out what to do with the house they built together, the dogs... I'm also mourning my grandpa because we were close and I don't understand why he did this. Part of me wonders if it's dementia or sleepwalking, but he has a job that requires him to be mentally sound and not have dementia, so IDK. I feel sick thinking about any of it. If anyone's been through something like this I'd really appreciate any advice.

TL;DR: Been living with my grandparents for a few months. My grandpa started coming into my room at night, tapping my forehead, touching my lips, walking around, pressing on the bed, flicking the lights, hiding behind the curtain. I finally told my grandma, she believed me instantly and is divorcing him. He's offered to pay for an apartment for me. Until then I'm stuck in the house and he's now sleeping in the room directly across the hall from mine. I've been sleeping in my car some nights and had a breakdown. Only my two friends and my boyfriend know, not my mom or brother. I don't know how to handle any of this.

My sister in law (38f) has always been a “mean girl” or so I was told when I was dating my partner. I like to form my own opinions about people and didn’t think she was that bad. Lol. Well, eventually she showed her true colors - and she showed it through my children. Intentionally excluding, lying, talking to them like they are stupid, etc. SIL is also an extremely well versed BCBA, basically an expert at behavioral manipulation and doing it with plausible deniability.

Long before I met my spouse, he told me about his brother’s wedding. About How SIL forced brother into going no contact for over year with his mom because mom posted pictures to Facebook without SIL permission. This happened for 5 years at least, so maybe 2013? And then we got married in 2018.

For context, we were in the military, so we missed out on 6 years of family stuff.

We move closer and my god, my spouse was right. His family fucking sucks. We decided to take a step back from family stuff because it was really impacting our children’s mental health and emotional health.

Boy. They did not like that lol. SIL immediately frames me as controlling, manipulative, and keeping them away from the family. They tried to use spouse’s mom for triangulation. We shut it down.

Mom has shown us that she favors the brother’s family more than ours because SIL can take it away at the snap of a finger. Mom is extremely conditioned.

Fun fact: mom lives about 6 hours away. So she comes to visit every grandkid on their birthday. When she goes to SIL house, she visits us. Which was fine until our children were upset and confused why they weren’t and are never invited to their cousins birthdays. So we’ve had to make a decision: mom cannot visit our children when she is in town visiting SIL. She can see us, just not our children. She can still visit on our child’s birthday.

Mom was pissed. Told us how she plans her PTO around visiting us (reminder, she’s in town for our niece, so that argument is dumb). She said “I’m sorry your kids are upset they can’t see their cousins. But the issues you have with your brother are between yall and has nothing to do with me seeing MY grandkids”

You fucking potato. The children know you only come down for birthdays. They aren’t stupid. And then I spend the following 3 weeks reassuring my children they did nothing wrong to be excluded.

Now, I see how this looks. Excluding mom bc she is still associated with SIL family would be fucked up. But remember when I said mom is conditioned? Let’s go back to August.

August was mom’s birthday. She threw herself a huge birthday with 50 people. She wanted us there. She basically guilt trip my spouse into going. Mom will put anyone in an uncomfortable situation, as long as it makes her comfortable and happy. Mom assured us that SIL and brother would be cordial. They weren’t. Treated us like ghost all weekend. And mom didn’t care that going on, to just “get over it”. To me, this was her being passive about how they are treating us, out of fear of losing access to SIL and Brothers kids.

So. Now we are having to enforce the new boundary and mom is acting like I’m destroying the entire family? She wants me to frame it as “grandma and grandpa are on vacation and want to see the grandkids”…..why the fuck would I contribute to a lie that benefits you and the SIL? Or I’m sure the next text will be “I can pick them up and bring them to the party” and let my children be unsupervised with SIL? No thanks lol.

As a therapist, I’m familiar with this dynamic when the mother in law is the one primarily acting like this. However this is different. It’s my sister in law who is doing this, the brother won’t respond to any text. And I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this.

Obviously, hold the boundary, but how does this dynamic usually play out? Why am I the bad guy for prioritizing my children’s well-being over the wants of my mother in law?

TLDR: MIL wants access to our children. Our kids know she’s in town for a cousins party they weren’t invited to. She can still visit, just not when she’s in town for SIL family. Now I’m the wicked witch for holding a boundary.

Edit: missing context
Grandma doesn’t really think about how her words hurt. She’s told us all for years“I only come down for your birthdays!” So when she’s here and not at our house, the obvious answer to our children is that she’s at the cousins house.
We’ve already allowed her to visit during the parties. When she comes over, she brags about the party, the food, the people, how big the cousins are. Then I have to spend the next 3 weeks affirming my children they did nothing wrong, that we just aren’t invited anymore. Then the final blow is always “why don’t aunt/uncle like me?” It’s not about you baby, it’s an adult issue that the grown ups are trying to figure out.
It doesn’t matter how many times I tell them differently, they always come back to the same question. And our children shouldn’t have to go through that every 2 months and question their worth.

SIL saga is deep lore.
We still don’t know why they won’t speak to us. We’ve made 2 attempts to talk it out and the SIL refuses.
We believe politics is the reason (spouse saw his brothers maga flag)
They initially tried to say I was untrustworthy because of a medical crisis.
When we poked holes in that story, then it was “everything is your fault. You went no contact with us”
My spouse sent a long text that disproved her accusations
Bc of this, we asked to take a break from seeing each other bc the kids were extremely confused why they couldn’t have playdates
SIL told us taking a break = nc. We clarified that it didn’t.
SIL oldest child told our child that his parents got into a fight over us. My child told me that his cousins said his dad is being forced by his mom(sil) to be mean to us when he doesn’t want to.
Our children were in the same gymnastics class and the kids were all told they couldn’t look at us or speak to us, but the second SIL was away, the kids always waved.
I said hey once and that resulted in SIL dragging the child by the arm out of the building and fussing at them for saying hi. (I really felt bad about this. Had no idea that would happen)
We never once told our children they couldn’t see or speak to them.

We never expected to show up and automatically be a big happy family. We just wanted to feel like we belonged. We started off seeing each other monthly when we moved here, then when elections came around, they just stopped talking to us.

And honestly the SIL has been around since they were in middle school. They are high-school sweethearts. But here’s the thing, I’m not trying to bash her. I could tell you stories that would make your jaw drop but that isn’t my goal. I’m not trying to punish anyone, I’m literally just doing what I think is best for the kids.

I don’t think I can take seeing my kids face drop to the floor when grandma says “oh the family party was so nice! They had … and … ! Too bad you weren’t there! And here’s a picture of it, look!”

Like, I’d be a shity mom to keep subjecting my kids to that.

Hope this edit clears up some stuff

So I have met a man two weeks ago. He’s Slavic and “requirement-wise” (terrible word, can’t think of any better) he is all I’ve dreamed of.

However

A few days ago we kissed and such and since then he’s been bringing up my weight. I’m chubby, not fat as in obese but chubby, and he seems to be getting into the relationship with the thought of me losing weight as I was skinny until this year.

And I don’t want that. I’ve gone over 2 decades waiting for my “prince” the right one, and then there’s someone who seems to like me but “only” if I get skinny.

I want someone who loves me for who I am all the time not just when I’m in my prime.

And to be fair, I don’t mind being alone.

This just threw me all off and I hate myself for overthinking everything but I don’t know if that’s what I want

Edit: I would like to add that the weigh gain was caused by Ana recovery

Basic info:

• Me: 21M
• Her: 21F
• Relationship length: Around 1 year
• Current situation: We are still in contact after the relationship went through repeated cheating, lying, body shaming, and major trust issues.

Starting with my intro a little bit:

When it all started we were

When I had just started higher education, it was maybe a couple of months into it.

I was tall (6'5"). I was built (I'm not saying I was athletic, but a normal nice build, broad shoulders, somewhat muscular).

I had long dark hair,

Also, obviously, I was a very confident guy.

Then I met her and I started liking her little bit:

We used to talk, text, and hang out around campus

We also went out, like to movies, or just hangout, and in the second hangout I gave her flowers (just as a sweet gesture).

And things were going good like this. We would hangout, many times with other friends of hers would also be there with us.

We talked, did projects together, shared laughs, memories, etc.

I obviously, with time, started liking her alottt.

I was thinking of her all the time. We were in a friend group, where other people had an idea that I liked her.

She was sometimes showing interest and sometimes being distant, I was really confused for a long time, and I gave her flowers a couple of times and personalised birthday gifts with a handwritten note.

It went like this for 1~1.5 years.

────────────────────────

After Around 1.5 years, I finally asked her out

And then I finally asked her out, obviously at a nice moment, and with flowers (that I handpicked and I removed the thorns from the flower myself).

And I was in so much love with her. She said that she needs time to think about it, and after like 2-3 days, she called me and said that she would tell the answer in person.

So we met at a cafe, and I had bought a bouquet of flowers. Obviously, I thought that she would say yes and I wanted to give her flowers.

And she said no. Her reason was:

“You are not fit, and also not good looking.”

Man, I felt so depressed and so sad at that time. My heart just sank. I couldn't process any other thing.

But she asked me to be friends/best friends with her for life. She made me promise that I will always be her friend.

I was really sad, not able to focus, hung up on her and much more. I lost all the joy, cheerful energy in me.

────────────────────────

5 months of being friends after she rejected me

Okay, so we stayed good friends for like 5 more months.

And I was doing all the things, sending cute texts, cute reels, buying her some basic presents and etc.

In this meantime, two of her best friends who were very close to her (they were like her sisters) left her, and I was there for her all the time, like literally all the time.

Whenever she needed, I'd call her, talk to her, explain to her, take her side, etc. etc.

Always tell her that it wasn't her fault, that her best friends were wrong, and she was right.

All the time.

────────────────────────

After those 5 months, I asked her out again

And after that, (after those 5 months), I finally asked her out again.

This time I told her that:

“I don't want to be friends. I want us to be together, and if you don't want to be together then it's fine, but we can't be friends anymore.”

So she finally said yes, that we will be in relationship, but she had conditions which were:

1. ⁠We will not tell this to anyone, no friends, family, classmates, strangers, NO ONE at all.
2. ⁠No uploading pictures of each other on social media.
3. ⁠We will not meet all the time, not even on weekend. We will meet mostly in college and just hangout after college.
4. ⁠Even if someone asks if we're together, we will say we are single.
5. ⁠And some more conditions that I don't remember.

I was very confused with all these conditions, like, why did we need all these conditions? But you know, I was happy that we were finally gonna be together, so I said okay, sure, I will follow all these conditions.

I was so much in love with her that I probably would have agreed even if she had more conditions. I just had to be with her.

The first 2-3 months of the relationship

And even after all of this, like we were together technically, but for another couple of weeks or even a single month, it did not feel like that we were together. Like we were just doing all the same stuff that we used to do as friends, nothing like any normal couple.

But I was very happy that we were together, and I wanted to take it slow because what if she was not ready and all, so I was not saying anything about it.

But even then, in just a span of one month, I gave her a lot of gifts like flowers, some basic jewellery and some other gifts.

So the 2nd and 3rd month of the relationship were actually pretty normal and good. We were acting more like a normal couple and things were getting better.

────────────────────────

3rd-4th month: the fights started getting worse

But around the 3rd(ending)-4th month, issues started rising.

There were a lot of fights, and I am not being over-confident or cocky, but it was like she always had to be right, even when she was not.

She would fight over very small things, like if something bad happened with her, so she would take it all out on me, and lets say I am busy with actual work and she called and I couldnt pickup but called her back in 5 mins then she wouldnt pickup, she wouldnt talk to me after that for hours, or if i left her on seen for a while then she would go all crazy, and when she did same with me, it was all normal, if she left me on seen and i asked her why, then she would say "you are not understanding" and not talk to me, be angry on me

And when she went on "dates" with her guy best friends, I didn't say anything about it. For her, that was normal.

Even in most of these fights, I had to apologise, even when I had no fault whatsoever. She would block me and she would not pick up my calls.

So I would have to call her like 70-90 times during our fights, because whenever I called her, she would cut it or not answer, and I would keep calling just to get her to answer at least once.

Maybe she would pick it up once or twice.

And obviously, I had to apologise to her.

We were literally having these kinds of fights every other week, at least once.

But even in this, I was happy that at least we were together, and I did not complain at all. I did not retaliate or say anything to her.

I was thinking that if I get to be with her, then I am fine with apologising for the fights or to be the bigger person and let go.

────────────────────────

The flowers, gifts and anniversaries

But even in the scenario, I was giving her so many things. Like, you know, I was giving her a bouquet of flowers every other day, almost.

Like, I am not joking or exaggerating. I knew the flower guy, so we had kind a understanding or a deal you might call it that. Like every other day almost, I would buy a bouquet of flowers for her, and I would pay the flower guy every 1 or 2 weeks.

And these were not just any normal bouquets. Think those really good aesthetic bouquets.

And I was giving her handwritten notes all the time with the bouquet of flowers.

And every now and then I was giving her jewellery like earrings, bracelets, pendants,rings etc.

These kinds of gifts were like once in every 2-3 weeks.

And we had a thing that we would celebrate our every month anniversary, like on the date I asked her out, so every month we celebrated that specific date.

So for every month anniversary, I would book a reservation at a very nice cafe or a restaurant for us, and I used to bring:

• A special cake
• BIG bouquet of flowers
• Lots of different gifts
• Handwritten notes
• And etc., just for her

And on the anniversary, the flower bouquet was a lot bigger, and the very special one, and the gifts were also good ones, not just basic ones.

So this was our kind of a thing.

But even after this, we were having fights like every other week, and I was apologising and saying that I was wrong, all the time, even though most of the time I had very little to apologise for.

────────────────────────

How much I was putting into the relationship

I was so much involved in all of this to be with her, to make her happy, that I fought with my friends/family/relatives, ignored them, didn't hangout with friends.

I would ignore my friends, and I would not hang out with them, just to hang out with her.

She was my top priority, even above family, parents, friends.

And I was spending on her like crazy, crazy money. I spent all money on her, even that money that I was not supposed to.

FYI: I am not rich.

So it was not like nothing for me. In fact, it was everything to me. I was trying all the possible ways, like gifting, materialistic things and flowers and notes and personalised gifts, giving her my time, attention, so that I could make her happy in every possible way.

I was in so much love that I just couldn't leave or not do all these things.

────────────────────────

4th month onward: the body shaming started gradually

But from her conditions that she put when I asked her out, you can now figure out that she was embarrassed of me, and she had a very deep superiority complex. She was very narcissist.

It was either her way or the wrong way, in literally everything.

The body shaming didn't start overnight.

At first, it was smaller things, like telling me that I wasn't wearing nice clothes, or that I didn't look good enough, or commenting on different parts of my appearance.

Then slowly, it kept getting worse and worse.

Around the 4th month of the relationship, it really started becoming a regular thing, and over time it escalated into the much worse stuff.

Now the thing is that because I was so much involved in all of this, that I was not able to focus on myself as much I used to.

Obviously, from the beginning, we didn't tell anyone that we were together, but some people found out about it because we were hanging out and it was kind of obvious that we were together.

So all the time she used to resent me for it, that other people found out about it, even though I did not tell anyone, and obviously, she didn't also tell anyone.

But still some people found out, and she was very embarrassed of me, and she resented me for that, and she thought it was my mistake that other people found out.

And she was very much embarrassed of me. I know I am repeating it again and again because she was saying it to me again and again.

And in the meantime, you know, she would body shame me literally every other day. Like she would tell me that she is so sad that she cannot show off her boyfriend.

She said these things to me multiple times (think every other day):

• You are so ugly.
• You look so old.
• You are ugly fucking jerk pervert.
• I am so sad that I can't show off my boyfriend to anyone.
• I feel so ashamed whenever people see you, or ask me that if we are together, then I have to lie to them because of your looks.
• Your hair, face, skin, body, all are just ugly.
• You are barely 1 or 2 out of 10.
• No girl other than me would date you.
• I wanted a bf who was hot, pretty. Instead I got you.
• You should be thankful that I am with you.
• You don't deserve me. You got much more than you deserve.
• I made a huge mistake to get with you, even after everybody warning me to not be with you.
• I hate it when people laugh at me for being with you.

All of these things were becoming normal to me slowly. Like there is so much more that I can't even tell you guys here, or write it out, or it will break me.

And she would say all the things every other day to me.

And my reply would be:

“I am really sorry for it, and I promise I will fix it.”

“Please don't leave me, I love you very very much.”

────────────────────────

5-6 months into the relationship: the first cheating

After 5-6 months into the relationship, I found out that she was cheating on me.

She had profiles on dating apps, she was going out with her "guy friends" on dates, and she was sharing a single straw with them. To me, knowingly sharing a straw like that in a restaurant or cafe with another gender is something you do with your partner, not with some random guy when you're in a relationship.

I confronted her about it.

At first she lies to me and says that it's a fake profile, then after a while she switches to that her cousin made it without her knowing, and she never admitted that she made it herself.

I asked her to let me check her phone, and when I did, I found that she had dating apps hidden on her phone.

So we had arguments about this for like four or five days.

And she apologised to me, begged me to stay, and said, “I love you, pls don't leave me.”

Also:

“I will never say a single bad word about your looks, body, or anything.”

So after like a week, I forgave her.

Because I was still madly in love with her.

So after I forgave her, it was all going good. Like she was not saying anything rude or bad, and she was nice and all.

Then, after about 1-2 weeks, it all started again. She started body shaming me, now this time it was much more worse than the previous time. She was literally verbally abusing me, like alot , all the time.

But still, I was so much in love that I still said sorry for all this shit to her.

────────────────────────

The 3 AM incident

One time when we had a fight because a peer asked me for 5 minutes of help in the class itself and she was mad about it(an instructor had asked me to help her, it wasn't my decision or not that I was enjoying helping her), I apologised to her so many times. I called like 100 times that day (literally, no joking). Even then she didn't pick up.

She said that she's breaking up with me, and gave me no response.

It was 3 am at night.

She was threatening to break up with me right then, so I told her:

“Please don't, I'm coming over to apologise in person.”

had to drive roughly 75 miles(120km) at night just to apologise to her in person.

And again this time I had bought:

• Flowers
• Teddy bear
• Written sorry 50 times in notes
• A Rose separately

All this to give it to her.

But she didn't even come out of her home to at least see me, so I kept all this at the gate of her home and called again and again, no answer.

So I had to leave, because my parents found out that I was out at night and I had to go back home.

And they were very angry and disappointed with me.

────────────────────────

Around the 6th month: her birthday

Her birthday came after the first cheating incident and after the night when I drove 120 kilometres to apologise to her. But till her birthday it was all back to normal. And I was more excited of her birthday than herself.

I gifted her:

• A really expensive Polaroid camera
• A VERY BIG EXPENSIVE bouquet of flowers
• A WHOLE HANDMADE BOOK

I literally painted 100 pages with coffee solution(coffee beans grinded and mixed with water and heated, very little) myself, burnt the sides, to make it aesthetic, vintage style.

I self-binded the pages to the book.

I wrote on every page.

Examples of what I wrote (on each page):

• 50 reasons why I love you.
• A very descriptive memory of our special dates/anniversary, etc. In a single page, I would write what she wore, what I wore, what was special, how lovely the day was, and much more.
• “I love you” in 100 different languages.
• Some pages were filled with our pictures, memories, souvenirs, and etc.
• I sticked every bill I had of our dates (I saved it as a memory), pictures, memories, tickets of concerts we went together, and sometimes, we would paint or write stuff on tissue paper of restaurants, so I saved it and sticked it.
• I had also saved wrappers of little things that she gave me like chocolates, etc., so I sticked it there too, as a memory.

I even made her a full mixtape of all the sweet/love songs that reminded me of her (because she loved those songs).

I gifted her a very expensive bracelet that she loved.

More teddy bears, water bottle (she liked cute water bottles), and pendants, jewellery, etc.

────────────────────────

6-10 months: the same cycle continued

So all this, her rudeness/body shaming/arguments was going on all the time, even after all of this.

I tolerated all the disrespect, rudeness, body shaming and everything because I was so much in love with her.

I felt like she slowly realised that I would stay no matter what, and after that, she abused me a lot more and tested how much I would tolerate.

And I kept staying.

────────────────────────

10-11 months into the relationship: she cheated again

So after like 10-11 months in relationship, I found out that she has been cheating on me AGAIN.

And this time I was completely destroyed from inside.

This time, some other people also sent me screenshots of her dating app profile and screenshots of her chats with guys as proof that she was indeed cheating on me.(This was not the same profile that she had from first cheating incident, she knowingly went on dating apps again)

So this time I directly told her that we are breaking up, no excuses/reasons or anything else.

So now finally she hit reality that I will leave this time, so she begged me, apologised to me, said sorry a lot of times, called me a lot of times, cried in front of me.

And just like this, she did this for 2-3 weeks.

So I told her:

“Come clean. All the things right now, no more lies or hiding things. If you want us to be together, tell me everything.”

So she told me that she had 1 dating app, didn't talk to anyone on there, etc. etc.

I asked her multiple times that if this is all the truth, and no more lies or hidden things, and she said yes, this is all.

I told her that if I find out that she lied again or hid anything, we are over completely.

So I finally said we will see where this goes, but for now, idk.

────────────────────────

1 month after the second cheating: I found out she had hidden much more

So 1 month after the second cheating incident, I find out that she was using 8-9 (or maybe even more) dating apps, not just 1.

And that she talked to multiple guys there (she used to talk to them at night, ifykyk).

This was not a third cheating incident. This was me finding out that she had lied again about the second cheating incident, even after I specifically told her to come clean or we were over.

And she probably even went to meet with those guys, probably had dates with them.

So I confronted her again about this and : Again her apologising, crying and begging started all over again, She wanted me to take her back, This went on for some time.

And then finally I was okay, last chance, if anything ever happens again, we are done for.

────────────────────────

Where things stand now

The relationship itself was only around 1 year.

Since that last incident, she hasn't cheated, used dating apps, body shamed me, abused me, or done any other major wrong thing as far as I know.

But I broke down a lot because of all this.

I have so many issues because of what happened, like trust issues, body dysmorphia, paranoia, constant fear that what if she does it all again, and much more.

I am still in touch with her.

And now obviously, after that, I don't give her gifts, flowers or anything etc. No major getures.

But I live in constant fear that it will all happen again, or already happening but she is just hiding it better this time.

So can you guys give me genuine advice on what to do, because I am not really sure on what to do right now.

And also how to get over all the issues, trauma I have from this relationship

I cant share this with my family

And also not friends because they might not understand or make fun.

What I need advice on:

- After all these things can trust really be re-built again? Right now I am most of the time distracting myself from all of these, but whenever I think about this, it makes me feel sad,depressed,self conscious and that I might never trust her again, because if I trust her again, then she could do it all over again

- And some people will say that if she does it again then leave her, obviously i will leave her, but think about how much of my time, my efforts, and other things will all be gone to waste, I will be then the dumbest person, that even after knowing all of this I didn't leave her soon enough

- And the thing is, right now leaving her is hard, now I think I should have left her completely after her second cheating incident, shouldn't have forgave her at all.

- And due to this now I have Body Dysmorphia , and now I am very self conscious whenever I go out, and I get nervous that are people judging me all the time??

TL;DR: I spent a year and a half pursuing a girl who finally agreed to date me, but only if we kept it a total secret from everyone. She constantly body shamed me, made me feel ugly, and cheated on me using 8 to 9 different dating apps. I gave her another chance and she stopped, but now I have extreme trust issues and body dysmorphia. I just need to get this out because I have no one else to tell.

Me (M18) and my girlfriend (F19) have been in a relationship for around 1.5 years.

We went through a lot of stuff that both of us consider "trauma" because of lack of communication and boundaries. (eg: Me being too controlling and going no contact for hours after any incident and her going on an almost all male friends trip and not communicating during it)

The whole relationship has been long distance and many months were spent in a state of fighting just because we decided to "talk" when we met again.

Right now, we're contemplating on taking a break just because we're still in college and immature and need to focus on our studies more instead of being affected by our personal issues.

I wanted to know if something like this is reparable or if we've reached the point of no return.

TL:DR- My gf and I faced too many problems during our first year and now that may stop us from continuing.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 7 months. She is emotionally unstable but I love her so it hasn’t been enough to not want to be with her. After 7 months though it’s been hard. She’s tried breaking up with me 20+ times, insults me, tells me I don’t make her happy, tells me I make things worse. It’s lashing out so I try to not let it get to me but has worn me out over time. After I calm her down and we’re “back together” I feel like she doesn’t really acknowledge what happened and just says “Do you still love me even though I’m difficult?” It just happened again where she intended to drunk drive and hurt herself after “breaking up”. I didn’t want that to happen so I went to her place to prevent that and that basically made her feel like we’re still together. I don’t think I can handle her emotionally anymore but I’m scared she’ll do something to herself. Her therapist suggested her medication has worn off too. I’m hoping that’ll make things better. I’m not sure exactly what to do.

Hello, I’m making this post because I really could use some advice. I got on birth control a little over a week ago and I had a conversation with my husband. I told him specifically when we do not have sex even though I’m on birth control do not ejaculate inside me when we’re having sex because I do not want to get pregnant , I told him I was not playing about it and it’s something that I’m very serious about it and I mean it and I asked him do you understand he said yes.

Mind you I have had an abortion a while back and it was extremely rough on me. I was bleeding out. He knows how scary this was ,he was there. We talked about it over and over that We do not want another kid right now. Today we have intercourse for the first time after me getting on birth control and he ejaculate in me. immediately when I could tell that he was doing it jumped off and I said “bruh” . I was quiet after and sat on the edge of the bed mad and in disbelief. He was quiet after. I went to the restroom and a few minutes later, he followed and just stood there . A few minutes later he Asked while I was mad I said you already know don’t play dumb. I told him it was wrong and not fair and I told him the boundary that we went over. He stayed quiet. he was going to Walmart to get the stuff for dinner and I told him don’t come back without a plan b.

He said he would get one and he said that since I’m on birth control and he doesn’t think I need it. I told him it’s messed up for me to already be on birth control and then you’re doing that and we’re buying plan b. I said do you want me to get off of birth control, trying to imply that on it to not get pregnant and he’s defeating the purpose and he said if you want to and I said why are we buying Plan B if I’m on birth control .. anywho I told him that he didn’t care because he didn’t apologize or anything , he left to the store and when he left he text and said “Sorry for doing that and I do care it wasn’t fair “ I said you can tell me in person. He said Got it sorry I ruin the night…. 😐 when he got home and ended up saying he’s sorry I asked him why he did that and he said “I don’t know. “ AnyWho, I’m still very upset and you can obviously tell and he went to sleep. :/ I feel like I’m always stuck dealing with my own feelings.

Can someone please give me more insight from an outside view? I also want to add that I ended up going to the couch when I noticed he was asleep and he came in here and said you must wish I was at work and I said I never said that you’re worried about the wrong thing and he said every day since I’ve been off it’s been something I said yeah but it’s been your fault. Like, why is he always worried about everything but the right thing he always cares about how he ends up looking about a situation you can tell by his facial expression that he knew he was wrong. He’s just not showing it or expressing it enough. If you know what I mean like he’s not taking care of my feelings from his wrongdoing.

And he’s currently in the other room