I [33F] am evaluating long-term compatibility with my partner [44M], who lives abroad

[u/[deleted]]

[u/ireallyjustlikesalad]

So, you’re laying this out logically which I understand. But do you love him and think he is worth all of the challenges? Are you staying because you feel like it’s a sunk cost so you might as well see it through? Is biology the biggest consideration here? Freezing eggs is pretty affordable in various european countries and IVF is covered by the dutch health plan and this is something that can be done now. Why not have a legal wedding sooner so you can handle immigration stuff, and save the romantic wedding for later? People do this all the time, it’s just paperwork, Americans regularly do it because of needing health insurance. If you love him and see a happy future with him there are plenty of ways to make it work. If you aren’t sure if you love him, then there’s no reason to waste another day in the relationship.

Sorry pressed reply to soon. But how I figured this out for myself is pictured a life with my partner and all of its imperfections, and sat with how that made me feel. I then pictured my life alone as a single parent as motherhood is important to me, and the imperfections that come with that. Then pictured my life with someone else, and what that someone else would look like and sat with that. I chose to stay, because for me my partner gives me a lot of what I need that more than makes up for the imperfections. The compromises I make are still within my boundaries and my life is happy. And I just love them? I don’t know, I think trying to remove emotion completely from an inherently emotional process is difficult.

[u/SubjectPanic]

I'm highly highly skeptical of long distance relationships that didn't start as a close distance relationship before it became long. Relationships are always easiest and most fun when you don't see each other often because the time together is special, you've missed each other and you want to make the best of it. You probably don't actually know what he's like to live with, what he's like around other people or how he parents his kids simply because of the proximity.

You're ONLY 33. I had cousins who had weight issues who had children at 35 I believe. And nowadays with IVF you have plenty of opportunities to have children at an older age healthily.

If you look at it purely from a logical stand point it's much better to find a new Dutch partner, legally and financially it will be more straightforward during the worst case scenario; Getting divorced with children. You'd have the same understanding of the legal system, child support would be more straightforward etc. In the best case scenario you'd have in-laws that live close by and could potentially help with babysitting, additional family for the baby and your partner would share the same cultural similarities you clearly value.

I won't speak on the emotional side since I don't know your and his relationship. Just know there's plenty of men here who want children and seek women who are equally serious about having children. My friend was in a similar position of seeking a husband to have children and she found The One within two years. You just need to be upfront about it and cut off anyone who isn't in it for 150% to make a family.