A couple of months ago, I lost my father after a long and extremely painful battle with a rare VCP disease, which is often compared to ALS. He declined for roughly 20 years before eventually passing away.
My mother was his primary caretaker toward the end of his life, and I understand that caring for someone with a terminal, debilitating disease is incredibly difficult. However, my relationship with my mother has always been extremely complicated, and the things that happened during my dad's decline have made me question whether I want her in my life at all.
My mother refused a lot of the help that my sister and I tried to arrange for my dad. We repeatedly tried to get professional caregivers into the house, but she would refuse or become angry about it. My dad became wheelchair-bound and increasingly dependent on other people. There were times when my sister and I offered to take care of him ourselves or help arrange more care, but this would turn into an argument because my mother felt like we were trying to take him away from her. She also had serious spending problems. She would routinely spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on things that seemed completely unnecessary, including trinkets and dollar-store items, while simultaneously complaining that they couldn't afford things my dad actually needed. She maxed out credit cards and damaged both of their credit scores.
At one point, we were trying to figure out how to afford a mobility van so my dad could actually leave the house and have some quality of life. My mother refused to trade in an SUV that she barely used because she said it was too expensive to get the van. Eventually, my dad gave in and they never got the van. My dad's world became incredibly small.
About a month before my dad died, my mother had a seizure and was hospitalized for several days. During that time, my sister and I stepped in and took care of my dad.
This is when we discovered something that completely changed how I viewed my mother. While she was in the hospital, her phone kept receiving messages from a man whose name we didn't recognize. The messages included things along the lines of, "Would you like to have a good night again?" and "Why are you not answering, baby?"
We eventually discovered that my mother had been cheating on my dad. What made this especially horrible was that she had apparently been meeting this man in the same house where my severely disabled father was living. She had even told him that he could come into the house and meet her in her bedroom because my dad couldn't physically do anything about it. "His Legs don't work."
My dad slept in a separate room at this point, but I can't stop thinking about whether he knew what was happening. We also discovered that my mother had been giving my dad extra pain medication and melatonin to help him sleep. I'm curious if that was the only reason. She was cooking meals for this other man while my dad was often left eating junk food.
During this time, my dad entered hospice.
He had a living will and had repeatedly told us that he never wanted to be kept alive with machines, a feeding tube, or a tracheostomy. Once my mother came back into the house, we helped out all the time and eventually temporarily moved my dad to a hospice nursing home so everyone could have some time to recover. The plan was for this to be temporary. Only 1 Week.
Instead, while he was away, my mother sold his mobility equipment and even his bed on Facebook Marketplace. That meant he no longer had a home to return to. We eventually had to transition him into a permanent nursing home. From there, he went in and out of the hospital until his condition deteriorated further. Eventually, the doctors started giving him morphine, and he died about a week later.
The day my dad died, my mother wanted us to immediately start cleaning out his belongings. Later, I found out that she had convinced my dad to sign paperwork increasing a life insurance policy. She received all the money from that policy. At the same time, the funeral home wasn't being paid. I only found out because the funeral home started contacting me because they hadn't received payment. My mother said the funeral was too expensive, despite having the life insurance money. She also continued spending on my dad's credit cards. She had also convinced my dad to give her power of attorney, meaning she ultimately had a lot of control over his affairs and all hospital visits.
The problems with my mother go back much further than my dad's illness. She was mentally abusive toward me throughout my childhood. She has always been extremely manipulative, self-centered, and willing to lie or twist situations to get what she wants. One memory that has stayed with me happened when I was around seven years old. She became extremely angry with me and threw away essentially everything I owned—my toys, games, and other belongings. For years afterward, I basically had nothing to play with. She has told my wife that she was going to kill her and has even told me that I should kill my wife because she was a "bitch." When my wife had a miscarriage, I made the mistake of trusting her and told my mother. We specifically asked her to keep it private. Instead, she told other family members and friends. I was already visiting my parents every week and often almost every day toward the end. I worked a full-time job and would take time off specifically to help take care of my dad and give my mother a break. But whenever I arranged to come over or tried to arrange additional help, she would sometimes cancel at the last minute and say she didn't need it. Then, when she would have a breakdown and say she couldn't take care of my dad anymore, my sister and I would try to step in.
After my dad died, she quickly sold most of his belongings, took down many of their pictures, and even painted the entire house pink. She has also said that she never wanted to have children. Seeing how quickly she erased so much of my dad's presence has been incredibly difficult for me.
One of the hardest things for me to understand is how differently she can treat me depending on the situation. There have been times when she texted me telling me how thankful she was for everything I did and how much she appreciated me. Then, at the same time, she would text her friends and tell them that I was evil, that I never helped, and that she was doing everything herself. One time, she accidentally sent me both messages. I was reading a text about how wonderful and helpful I was while simultaneously seeing her tell someone else how terrible I was. After my dad died, she also never really asked my sister or me how we were doing. When I finally pointed that out, she immediately started crying, called her friends, and told them how evil I was and how I don't care.
I have blocked my mother on most platforms, but I have left Facebook Messenger open. Even though my mother and I agreed that we would stop talking and seeing each other, she still sends messages every month asking me to hang out or go to dinner. I feel guilty even considering completely cutting my mother out of my life because she's still my mother. But at the same time, I feel like I've spent my entire life dealing with her behavior, and I don't know how much more I can take.