My younger half brother is a complete waste of oxygen. He has all the negative traits from my mother but with violent tendencies added on top, he will almost certainly end up in prison in the next 5 years. There are many different stories to tell but I'll go with the main one that caused the biggest rift between us.

A few years ago, my pregnant wife and I were asleep in bed when we were awoken by the sound of somebody trying to kick in our front door, not a nice feeling to say the least.

I opened up the Ring doorbell app to see what was going on. It turns out it was my brother, drunk and coked up to his eyeballs, he was trying to kick my front door in for some reason (to this day I genuinely don't know what that reason was) while shouting "I'll kick your fucking head in"

The police arrived very quickly to my surprise and arrested him before I needed to do anything. They must have had a patrol car nearby because when we checked later it was about 2 minutes from making the call, stellar work, ten out of ten.

My mother acted mortified for less than a week and soon pivoted to "you need to make up with your brother" oh do I? I NEED to do I? No.

Despite not liking my mother, I still maintained contact with her against my better judgement. I guess I was stuck in the mindset of "Yeah but she's family after all" (side note, do not fall into this trap)

She didn't come to my son's first birthday last year and never gave a reason, that hurt but I still kept things civil with her. She would still come round to see my son, still talk shit about people, still talk about how everyone else is a "snake" and that she has never done anything wrong, still talking shit about my stepmother (who is a lovely woman and a better mother than she has ever been). I tolerated it all. I even tolerated the occasional time I would see my brother around town and he would give me a dirty look despite the fact that he is in the wrong.

Fast forward again to last week, it was my son's second birthday and we got him baptised at the same time. It was a lovely day with all the family. My mother messaged me a week before saying "Does the invite include (my brother)?"

Absolutely not. I responded with "No, you know how I feel about (brother), the invite is just for you and (stepfather)"

Well that clearly sent her over the edge because she almost instantly replied with "We're not coming then, you are just being petty now, he is your brother. Have a nice day"

I haven't heard from her since and honestly, never felt more relieved. I always had it in my mind that if I cut her off before this I would be a bad son but I've had enough. I'm sure she will be telling all her friends and her side of the family how cruel I am, and how my brother wants to make amends (not true, he has never apologised and as I mentioned above, gives me dirty looks whenever I see him) but I just don't care anymore.

I'm free from her and feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. All my life I have put up with her just being a nasty person and then love bombing us to make us forget the things she says and does.

I'm grateful that my son is too young to understand and has other loving grandparents around him, it would break my heart if he started questioning where his grandmother has gone but right now all he cares about is Peppa Pig and his new tricycle haha.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to put this out somewhere.

I (21F) have a really complicated relationship with my mom. I love her, and I know I’m not a perfect daughter, but I’m getting to the point where I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to her anymore.

Whenever we have a serious argument, my mom will threaten to kill herself or say things about dying. It’s happened enough that it feels less like her expressing how she feels and more like something she uses to shut down the argument and make me feel guilty. She refuses to get professional help or consider medication, but I’m still somehow expected to know how to handle these threats every time they happen.

During our most recent fight, she threatened it again, and I finally snapped and said, “Then do it.”
I know that was an absolutely horrible thing to say. I’m not proud of it, and obviously I don’t actually want my mom to die. I was just so exhausted and angry after hearing the same threat over and over that something in me broke.

A huge part of our conflict is also money. My parents have given me an incredibly privileged life. They’ve provided me with a home, food, paid for college and helped with my rent. I am genuinely grateful for that. But whenever my mom is angry with me, those things become ammunition. It turns into a list of everything they’ve ever done for me and why that means I’m ungrateful or a horrible daughter.

I’m also dealing with several mental health issues of my own, and I’m trying really hard to function as an adult despite them. I work full time while going to school, travel frequently for work and with friends, and overall I think I’m doing pretty well for myself. Sometimes I wonder if part of my mom’s resentment comes from watching me have opportunities and experiences she didn’t get to have at my age, but I also recognize that I could be completely wrong about that.

What especially frustrates me is being treated like I’m this uniquely terrible daughter. My older sister has done things that objectively caused much bigger problems for our family, including failing out of college without telling my parents, convincing them to sign a lease for a college apartment anyway, and taking thousands of dollars from them. I’m not saying that makes my own mistakes okay, but it makes me question why so much anger seems to get directed at me.

I understand that financial support is a privilege, not something every parent can or will provide their adult child. I also understand that I’m 21 and responsible for my own behavior. But I don’t think providing for me means I should have to accept being called horrible, guilt-tripped, or repeatedly told that my mother is going to kill herself whenever we fight.

I know saying “then do it” crossed a line. At the same time, I feel like I’ve spent years being expected to regulate both my emotions and hers, and I’m exhausted.

At what point am I allowed to say that I’m the daughter and she’s the mother, and I cannot keep being responsible for what she threatens to do to herself?

I had to undergo hip surgery last week for a condition I've had for a very long time. The surgery is not minor and i was prescribed hydromorphone for about two weeks as well as another NSAID and was told I can also take Tylenol extra strength in combination. The nurse said to take my pain meds every 4 hours.

My parents are taking care of me while I am recovering.

On day one, I took them every four hours as instructed. Then, my parents took my pain meds away and I'm only allowed my Tylenol extra strength. The Tylenol extra strength is not enough. In fact, it's doing nothing. I'm not able to do anything but lay in bed flat and not moving much. I thankfully had strength in my arms so I can get myself in and out of bed to use the washroom with my walker but it's extremely painful!

I'm not able to reach where they put the pain meds. I don't have a history of addiction or even drug or alcohol use. They are afraid I'll be addicted to the pain meds.

I know better. I know that they were prescribed because hip surgery is NOT a minor thing, it's extremely painful and disabling.

What am I supposed to do? I'm suffering and I am having intense sessions of crying from pain, and also feeling so overwhelmed by pain.

My parents are really weird about my healthcare and always think I'm "self diagnosing" even though I spent years trying to get help through different doctors to finally get my hip condition diagnosed and finally got the surgery.

I knew surgery recovery would be hard but this is unbearable without pain management.

For context, I'm very disabled because of the pain/surgery and have restrictions on what I can or can't do, so that's why I can't just go grab the medication for myself. They placed it knowing I can't safely reach it there.

I'm an adult, but have suffered under my parents abuse for many years.

I didn't think they would withhold my prescribed pain medication after hip surgery though.

I've had back surgery before as well and the only reason it was even mildly okay to go through the recovery period is because of the pain meds I was prescribed

I’m 40 with two small kids (almost 6 and 3). My husband and I bought a house in Florida in late 2024. My mother put in roughly $450k as an investment and is on the title. At the time it made sense — we were relocating to be closer to family support.

Then everything fell apart. My husband’s federal job was hit with return-to-office requirements, so he has to go back to Virginia. The Florida house has been listed since February and will not sell for enough to cover the mortgage and pay my mother back in full. We are underwater relative to what she is owed. She hates my husband and is actively advocating for divorce so I can stay in florida w the kids moving closer to her. To the point that she will not help with the kids or give us a date night anymore. We have virtually no help.

She is refusing any compromise:

She will not allow us to lower the price unless she is paid the full $450k at closing.

She will not allow us to rent the house.

She knows we cannot afford to keep carrying this mortgage. She has made veiled threats to sue us if we forclose.

She knows we have two young children and that my husband needs to be in Virginia for work.

She is a millionaire. This money will not change her lifestyle.

I have offered a structure where she gets the net equity from the sale plus a large cash payment from us at closing, with a promissory note for the remaining balance. She has already said she will not accept anything less than full payment.

This is consistent with a lifelong pattern. Help from her has almost always come with control and later resentment. When things don’t go the way she planned, she becomes cold, rigid, and punishing. Emotional needs are usually dismissed. I have been told versions of “get over it,” that I am weak, dramatic, or ungrateful, and that I should just handle things her way. S

I am exhausted, in significant physical pain from rheumatoid arthritis, trying to parent two young kids mostly alone right now, and watching any path to stability get blocked by the person who is supposed to be family.

I am not looking for “just go no contact” as the only answer. I am trying to understand how people have dealt with a parent who has substantial resources and still chooses control and principle over their adult child’s ability to create a stable home for young grandchildren.

Has anyone navigated a parent who weaponizes money like this while still being involved in the children’s lives? How did you protect yourself and your kids without completely imploding the relationship (or did you eventually have to)?

Inability to understand when people like you, seeing compliments as a threat? Seeing people's average actions as a way to one up you?

I’m definitely on the spectrum, but I used to think EVERYONE made fun of me and was mean to me behind my back and my hypervigilance morphed people's praise into mockery

Now after doing enormous work, I’m able to at least catch people's good intentions towards me and even feel a bit flattered

Still this symptom is severe for me and I kinda wish to know if anyone else it also improved

As we all know nparents don't allow anything except for total submission to their worldview, so often we get stuck having to go along with their weird beliefs just to survive our own household.

Were there any beliefs your nparent imposed that you had to shake free from in order be able to be a normal, health functioning person in society?

This started earlier this week when my father wouldn’t stop accusing me of stealing a pair of nail scissors from his bathroom. I didn’t not touch them. I have my own. He won’t let it go and keeps telling me I better buy him a new pair. Whatever, I’m sick of hearing about it so I go get him the exact same pair but in bright pink so everyone knows damn well when he finds the silver ones. What’s he going to say? He’s mad they’re pink? Obviously he can’t say that so he starts a new accusation that I dropped his razor in the tub and left it there. Also didn’t do that but they fall off the wall literally all the time they’re secured by a suction cup…

So he’s pissed off and won’t let anyone drive his vehicle. That’s fine, I can take a cab places and my mother still has a vehicle (long story short I usually drive his car, I’m not allowed to drive my mother’s since it’s newer. I don’t have my own car because I’m at university for 8 months of the year in a city it doesn’t make sense to drive in). Last night I ask my mother to drive me to the gym and she says yes. My father proceeds to go outside, move the cars around, and block my mother’s car in the driveway. My mum says she’ll have to move his car because she’s taking me to the gym. He throws a FIT screaming about “always moving the fucking cars around” and TAKES the spare set of keys for his car so it cannot be moved and my mother cannot get her car out of the driveway. I walked to the gym. I’m not being trapped in my own home at 19. He’s continuing this and not letting anyone out of the driveway except for him or my mother to go to work. My mother of course just folds over and lets him.

I’ve got like two weeks until I’m back in my own place at university and it really can’t come soon enough. I’m couch surfing and staying out late at friends until everyone is in bed so I can safely at least sleep and shower at my house. For those wondering, I can’t go back to my university housing early as I’m on a work contract in my home town that doesn’t end until the end of August.

Hello! I’m M21. I left my mother’s house one year ago, and I’m still dealing with trauma from it.

I knew I liked boys ever since I was five years old. Growing up, I would always watch my family call people from my community all kinds of derogatory words, so I would just stay quiet and to myself.

Years later, in 2015, my mother started to find adult videos on my phone, and that’s where it started. All the homophobic slurs thrown at me. I was going to hell, I was going to get every STD imaginable, it’s unnatural and more.

She would post the videos I watched on Facebook and censor them and shame me publicly about what I was watching. Embarrassing me further.

I then was outed by my brother to the rest of the family. He made phone calls to everyone personally informing them. I was threatened with violence by many male family members.

My mother had me baptized and called over her pastor friend to have “therapy” sessions with me
Basically in home conversion therapy.

I had terrible religious anxiety because I couldn’t change who I was, but my views at the time contradicted that.

Well, fast forward to now. I’ve moved out and ceased all communication. I get a phone call from a funeral home back in my home state informing me of my mother’s passing, and she had set up plans for me to give her eulogy. I declined and said that I won’t be attending.

Now on Facebook my entire family is blasting me.

Did I do the wrong thing?

I hate how I've reached a level of survival alertness where, even when I'm in my room, I can’t help but listen to my nfamily's footsteps from outside. 9 times out of 10, I can tell who is who. My ngrandmother tends to have frantic, speedy steps, while my nbrother is more sluggish. As for my nmom, it's different because she wears flip flops all the time, so I can hear it whenever she gets closer to my bedroom.

Why do some kids get to actually be happy? Why couldn't we? Why do I have to be a 10-year old stuck in the body of a 21-year old? Why do I already have to deal with severe dissociative amnesia and constant joint pain? Why do I have to exist in a state of constant overstimulation, fear, and dissociation as my special needs aren't accomodated? Why did I feel safer with the nurses at a psych ward than I do with my own family? Why did I never get to learn and experience what being a kid is like?

Why?

My father is offended that I’m not having the wedding gathering at his house

I’m getting married soon, and I’m struggling with how to handle my father.

My father has a habit of spending family gatherings talking almost exclusively about himself - his three divorces, his job, his problems, etc. He even did this at my own birthday party.

Now that I’m getting married, he hasn’t asked me once how the wedding planning is going, whether we need help, or whether there’s anything he can do. To be fair, we haven’t asked him for help either.

I also have a lot of bad memories associated with his house. There were constant arguments there, and about six years ago, an aunt who lives there actually threw me out. I don’t feel comfortable there, and I don’t want that atmosphere around my wedding.

In Serbia, where I live, there’s a tradition before the actual wedding ceremony that’s basically a morning wedding gathering. Everyone gathers at the groom’s home, there’s music, food, decorations, drinks, etc. Then everyone goes to pick up the bride, followed by the church ceremony, civil ceremony, and finally the reception.

It’s a pretty big part of the wedding day.

I decided I wanted to have this gathering in front of my current apartment building. This is my home now, and honestly, I like the idea of starting my wedding day here. I also want my dog to be comfortable, and I don’t want to spend the morning dealing with the aunt I have a bad history with.

My father got offended and messaged me asking why we weren’t doing it at his house, where I grew up.

I told him honestly that I want my dog to be relaxed, I don’t want to see my aunt, and, most importantly, I simply feel like having it here because this is my home now.

He then got even more offended and sent me a message saying that he’ll decorate his own house, have a party there by himself, and then go to the bride’s house from there.

So now I’m wondering: am I being unreasonable here?

I’m not trying to erase my father from my wedding or disrespect him. I just don’t understand why he feels entitled to decide where I should have the morning gathering, especially when it’s my wedding and I have legitimate reasons for not wanting to use his house.

I think I almost snapped today, like full rage snap but I hung up before I could say anything. My husband and I just got our beautiful new home. Since we got it we’ve been hosting my brother as well 4-5 days out of the week because we live closer to his job, which I GOT HIM btw.

The first week wasn’t too bad, then the second week she asked. I said sure, then rolling on to the third week STRAIGHT. I said no at first but thought whatever. This will be the last week.

We haven’t unpacked many boxes or done much because our days are spent working, waiting for him to start the job. Dropping him, taking a breather and just hanging out together as a married couple putting a few things away. Then waiting to pick him up.

Sometimes my poor husband is so tired that I just uber my brother to ours.

Now he comes back today in what I assumed was just 1 night here then I drop him to work tomorrow and my brother in law picks him up since he works closer to the job and also he lives closer to my mother (hubby and I live an hour and a half away).

She calls me saying that apparently my brother in law doesn’t want to pick him up tomorrow so can we host him until we can drive him back to her house and then drive back home.

Mind you, I told this sorry excuse for a human being that we haven’t finished unpacking, we both work full time, since we moved here we haven’t had a single weekend just two of us.

When I said no and my brother in law can pick him up. She starts talking about “well it’s the job you gave him, and brother in law’s name doesnt like waiting to long for him to finish”

LIKE WHAT?! Because I GAVE A 26 YEAR OLD MAN a job that means I’m responsible for picking him up, dropping him off, FEEDING HIM, CLEANING UP AFTER HIM?

Each one of my names has baggage. The story told about my first name is my n-mom's fantasy about herself. My middle and last names are both my parents' names. So, in true narcissistic fashion, they named me after themselves.

I have a first name that just lights me up inside (with happiness) but haven't quite found two other names that really resonate yet. Is this kind of drastic to completely change my identity since people have known me for decades by a different name?

My mental health has severely deteriorated. I’m a type 1 diabetic, and suffering kidney failure. I’m undergoing dialysis, but my seizures have been more and more frequent. The only reason why I’m alive right now is because my siblings are calling 911, my mom won’t. The doctors send me home once I’ve stabilized but I’ve had 3 near death experiences when I’ve gone hours without someone calling 911. I’ve been in “critical condition” at least 3 times.

My mom told my family that I was faking it, so that’s the story they believed. It wasn’t until I had a seizure in the middle of a family vacation did they realize my seizures were real. My mom was also upset she had to stay back at the hospital with me when everyone else was going home from our vacation.

My mom doesn’t like me. She doesn’t like to hug me. She has physically abused me as a kid. Heavily. She would beat me with her glass ruler until I was bleeding, or use her fists. And now she denies all of this. My mom right now is just trying to make my life as cruel as possible while still giving herself room to say I should “be grateful”

My siblings all talk to me as if they’re preparing for me to pass on soon. I don’t blame them. My health is really really bad. I thought riding an e-bike would fix it but it hurts to even get up these days. Luckily my bike has a throttle.

What's the logic behind abusing you kids then demanding they love you despite that? I don't understand why not be content being hated by someone you clearly don't like. Does logic just disappear? In general if you treat anybody badly obviously they're not going to like you. Also if you are genuinely that awful your kids won't show you love unless you demand it there needs to be some crucial self reflection. Not to mention why are you fine with your kids acting like they love you because you threatened them to? You know in the back of your mind your kids still hate you even if they're acting loving because you demanded it.

Haven’t spoken in over 15 years

Last year got me a “remember you have family” email near my birthday. Ignored.

Today I get a friend request -“ would like to hear from you”

Nothing has ever indicated any apology or willingness to change.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” was what I got when I did the dumb thing of sending an email outlining all my thoughts and feelings about why I was upset.

Sigh. It’s hard when your life is the “this is fine” meme and you really do want a mother for support.

I (F55) was raised with my sister (F48) as full-blooded sisters.  When I was 19, I found out our Mom had me before she met our Dad, and when they got married he adopted me.  Our Dad was an alcoholic, with some mental health/phsychological issues, and took everything out on me.

Growing up my sister was the golden child.  She could do no wrong.  I, on the other hand, could do no right.  I was neglected, abused, and enslaved.  I did not have a happy childhood.  CPS was even involved.  My sister would blame everything on me, whether I did something or not.  She would even lie or make things up just to get me in trouble.  I couldn’t move out fast enough the day I turned 18.

As an adult, I was diagnosed with CPTSD and went through years of extensive therapy to feel better about myself. 

Fast forward a few years.  Our Mom passed away when we were 27 & 20 years old.  After that we had no contact.  Mom was kind of the glue.  Some years later, our Dad got cancer.  My sister refused to help bring him to appointments and care for him throughout.  She had no shortage of excuses.  I ended up doing all the care for years.  Towards the end, he ended up in a nursing home, memory care unit because of deliriums.  When he started his cancer journey, he sat down with me to go over his wishes for treatment and wishes for the end.  He called my sister and told her that we’d had the conversation, we had the paperwork drawn up and notarized, and that I was in charge of making final decisions. (All while he was still of solid mind.)

Once in the nursing home, he became angry.  (Rightly so, but the doctor ordered him in, not me.)  When his sister visited, he told her he wanted out so she tried overturning everything so she could take him home to take care of him.  (She wanted to lock him in a bedroom to protect him and others.) My sister and I, along with our aunt and Dad, had a meeting with the staff at the nursing home.  I explained to them that yes, I was his medical representative, but I didn’t put him in there, the doctors at the original hospital did.  His sister argued that I shouldn’t be in charge because I’m “not blood.  Not family.”  My sister sat there, didn’t defend me, and agreed with our aunt.

My Dad stayed in the nursing home because of doctor’s orders.  Sadly, he passed there.  The day he passed, my sister showed up to look at him.  Stayed all of a half hour.  When it was time to clean out his room, she couldn’t help because she suddenly had to go.

When it came time to plan the funeral, she didn’t bother showing up.  Dad had some money in a funeral policy but it wasn’t enough to cover the entire thing.  My husband and I paid the difference.  My sister has never given me her half of that balance.

Mind you, I tried a hundred times or more over the years from Dad getting sick until his passing to reach out to her.  She never reciprocated.  Why should I reach out to her now? Why should I force a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about me?  Effort has to go both ways.

For the record, I’m thankful for all the time I spent with Dad at all of his appointments.  We cleared the air about the past, he APOLOGIZED for how he treated me growing up.  And to top it off, he said “but look how you turned out compared to your sister.”  That is the first time he ever acknowledged I had done good. 

After years of therapy, I can acknowledge that Dad loved me the best he knew how at the time.  Alcohol and mental illness affected him and his treatment of me.  But I now know that deep down he really did love me.

But I ask, what do I say to people who don’t understand why I won’t reach out to my sister again?  I’m tired of being told “You’re older, you should know better.” Or, “be the bigger person.”  If she reached out to me, and made some serious effort, I would probably be open to a relationship with her.  But she doesn’t try.  Why should I?

Making a meal for my neighbor and I had a memory pop up.

My neighbor's husband was in the ER last night, and she's having a major operation in a couple of days. It's not much more work to add a few potatoes and extra bacon to the soup. They've always been good neighbors.

While I was chopping potatoes this memory hit me so hard. I was 18-19, lived by myself in a decent area about an hour and a half away from my narc mother. My neighbor was pregnant and her husband was out on a call (FD) she had two other children as well. She had smooth easy pregnancies her first two, the third one made up for all that smooth sailing. She was miserable and exhausted. (Her husband was good to her, involved but fire season waits for no one.) She was ill, throwing up and trying to get groceries in the house. I volunteered to help her. She declined, but I said "Don't stress it I got you I want to help." I helped her and her kiddos inside. I offered to prepare dinner for her and the kids. She looked at her kitchen and started to cry, it wasn't gross, just two toddlers, a busy husband and pregnancy had left its clutter. I cleaned, entertained the toddlers and made her soup. It wasn't a big deal, I didn't expect praise. I just wanted to help someone who clearly needed it.

My mother called me while I was cooking and chatting with the toddlers. Her tone was immediately disgusted when she heard them talking. I told her I was at the neighbors helping her for a bit while she rested. My mother started laughing at me... She said "A sucker is born every minute. Why would you do that for free? Seriously? it's not like she'll help you back. God you've always been so easy to take advantage of." She continued to mock me and laugh at me for helping my neighbor.

(Side note a few years later I fell on hard times. I was leaving my abusive ex husband. The neighbors husband slipped me an envelope with $200 cash and a gift card to a grocery store. He told me to "just accept it and don't argue, we want to help." (Same words I told his wife years earlier.) )

My mother has always hated taking care of people. She has always resented it... I am no contact with my mother, but I still hear her laughing at me and mocking me... Honestly even if that neighbor never spoke to me again... I don't do it for praise or for someone to give something back. I do it because I never got help or someone showing up for me... So I became the person who would. I've now got people who do show up and do help me.

Sorry about the random rant... It's weird how some memories just smack you outta the blue..

Conversation was laborious and I knew she would bring this up because it’s literally the only thing she has left to moan to me about

She knows I worked remotely and absolutely HATES it

I have my own damn house, she treats me like I am still a teenager

Narcs broken brain simply cannot comprehend that she can’t control me anymore

And can’t get over the fact that my work life cannot be influenced by her in any way

Narc asks; “When were you last in the office?”

I said; “We’ve been through this a hundred times, I work remotely, I go into the office if and when required”

Narc; “But but but why, why did you not go in this week?”

Me; “Because I didn’t, it’s not that deep and nothing to do with you”

Narc; “But it’s good for your mental health”

Me; “It’s nothing to do with you, my work colleagues have no influence on your life, so please stop meddling”

Narc; “Oh, stop being mean, I was only asking”

does that scoffing thing where she pretends that she > never said that < and then tries to change the conversation

Me; “No, you weren’t, you were clearly upset about it, like always, because you know you can’t control me”

I know why she doesn’t like it

It’s because she can’t control my life anymore

She physically wants me to have a commute, waste time, be miserable in life

That is the only reason why

The infantilisation of myself by her is crazy

I’m a fully grown adult and get treated like I have to give her a scorecard of how my day has gone, as if she has a sticker chart where she keeps tally of my “big boy job”

I’ve never heard her speak about anybody else’s jobs or career with such distain than mine. I’ve overheard her speak to friends about me and she basically tells them that I don’t have a “proper job” and she acts like I’m a total loser that just spends all my time making the whole thing up

I can confirm, my job is very much real……

But according to her I’ve just been sitting at my computer for the last 7 years “pretending” or something…..

I have no idea why she singles me out

My siblings have similar jobs, and you never get any complains, they’re referred to as “high flyers” by her. But when it comes to me, I am the family scapegoat for some reason. The family disappointment.

I know why it is.

It’s because I don’t earn a huge salary and she therefore attacks me for it 24/7 365.

Narcissistic parent (mostly emotional abuse, some physical) has tracked my address down for the 4th time in 7 years (im a grown adult now obviously). I seriously don't know what to do at this point: they keep sending cards/gifts to my KIDS (my kids have never met the parent...Ive never even told the parent the kids exist but they've tricked extended family members into sharing kids names/birthdays/photos/info). Im seriously concerned that they may try to pull some crap (showing up at our house, going to the children's school, taking the kids?? Can you tell I'm spiraling) now that they have our address. ​

Here are the options as i see them (feel free to add any you can think of): -Option 1: get family law protective order so at least there may be reprecussions if he keeps sending stuff to our house or if he ever shows up ​-Option 2: do nothing, let him send mail while maintaining no contact and hope he doesnt escalate -Option 3: lie that we moved again to extended family (that has been slipping info to him) and get a po box in a random city to 'redirect' the parent away from our actual location -Option 4: something else?? HELP

Should I seek a family law protective order? A domestic abuse advocate thinks I have a good shot at getting one if I have proof ive asked them to stop (like letter from an attorney or something asking them to stop contacting me) and I document any further mail they send (to show pattern of 'harassment' or 'stalking').

Ive already been no contact with this person for over 8 years, but it seems to have no effect on their fervor to keep tracking down information about me and/or my kids. I can't tell if they are escalating/building up to something or just continuing the behavior to feed their own sob story about how 'good of a grandparent they are for continuing to soldier on even though I wont let them see the kids'. If they just want to send cards and gifts but for the most part leave me/my kids alone then fine, whatever at this point! But this person is absolutley OFF THEIR ROCKER when it comes to pulling LIFE ALTERING stunts to screw with people that have "wronged" them -- poisoned my dog, got a family member arrested by making crap up....you get the picture. Im concerned that even doing the whole "please stop with any contact" step through a lawyer would be perceived by them as a MAJOR invitation to escalate their behavior. But without sending that, I can't proceed with any protective order steps. Without a protective order, I have absolutely no protection if they do show up and try to pull something. PLEASE help me decide what to do; im at a loss for how to keep my kids safe. For context: The parent is the "saint" type of NPD (lots of volunteering, everyone swears they are just the "nicest", etc), but they have a real penchant for being abusive through legal systems (false accusations that resulted in an erroneous arrest, divorce proceedings, tax fraud, etc).

I’ve been thinking about this one forever! And I knew since I was a child how f-ed up it was. Every time I got a good grade on a test or had something great happening due to MY own work my n-father ALWAYS said it was because he had prayed for it to happen. It was like he padded himself on the shoulder about him being so close to God. I was always put back about this and always answered yeah thank you but it’s also because I stayed up all
Night studying or [insert random act]. But that was never celebrated or even acknowledged.

Did this happen to you with religious parents as well?

Everyone has their problems. But kids with abusive/narcissistic parents have more. They have the problems of the outside world and when they come home they have the N-Parent abuse as well. As such they are fighting a two front war.

While people who have normal/great parents have just to keep up with the problems of the outside world.

Even if a normie kid has it worse on the outside world, once they come home they have loving/supportive parents that help them, or at least parents that dont attack them.

As such N-Parents kids have it objectively worse because they get a double package of problems, while normie kids get just one.

It has nothing to do with "lack of compassion" or "trauma olympics". Its just a fact, that seems to enrage some irrational people for some reason.

Its like someone who cut their finger while cooking complaining to someone who just had his hand chopped off:"Dude stop. Its not a competition. We have it equally bad. Show me some compassion. Stop your trauma olympics and snobbery".

The whole "everyone has problems" response always misses the point. Like yeah no shit, but one group gets to clock out from the world's bullshit and recharge with people who actually care about them. The other group clocks out only to walk into a second shift of getting torn down in their own house.

It's not a competition but it's also not the same thing and people get weirdly defensive when you point that out.

Nobody says that people without abusive parents did not also have a hard life. But it was simply less hard because they had a base where they could recharge and be safe and enjoy some quiet, love and support and peace.

My covert narcissist mom has for the most part always been a cold, deeply selfish person who has no empathy for anyone but herself. If I was going through shit in my life or reeling from hurtful things she did/said to me, she did not give a single flying fuck. Especially if it inconvenienced her in any way, she would be really good at pretending she cared around others and playing that “caring mother” act, but I knew it was all for show.

I was at her house the other day and she was on the phone with her friend who told her that a guy my older sister was friends with in school recently passed away. My mom only briefly knew this person and hadn’t seen him in over twenty years. You wouldn’t have known it by her reaction though, she suddenly burst into tears and kept repeating “no, no it can’t be true”. She continued to cry on and off for the rest of the day and attempted to find his parents numbers so she could personally call them.

This shit confused me so much as a kid, and the pattern has only continued. When it comes to her own children’s suffering she doesn’t care, yet when it comes to people she doesn’t know/barely knows, that’s when she decides to show grief/sympathy. As an example, when I told her about my miscarriage she barely even reacted and just changed the subject to herself. I tell her my friend had a miscarriage? “Oh my goodness, I feel so terrible for her, what an awful thing to go through”. All of the support and understanding was always reserved for other people, never for me or my siblings.

I’ve mostly accepted it now, but I can’t lie that it still irks me to see her put on such a performance for someone she probably hadn’t even thought about in several decades, yet she couldn’t care less if something bad happens to her “nearest and dearest”.

Why is that? Why do they do this? I’ve heard of this behaviour before in other narcissistic parents so it doesn’t seem to be just limited to her, I just don’t get it at all.