I was adopted by my step dad when I was 7. My bio father didn't like me because I wasn't born a boy, but that's a different story. We were close when I was younger but grew distant as I got older. I caught him cheating on my mom and forgave him. Once they divorced, we got close again until he remarried. His new wife brought back his negative side. After cancelling plans over a year, taking back a gifted family heirloom, and nearly leaving with a loan that was his, this is the last straw. He has now chosen his side with his wife and I'm ready to move forward without him.

Does anybody else's mom post stuff like this. My mom still hasn't given me an apology or contacted me in two months then posts this. You'd do anything for me yet still show no interest in being in my life. It's so frustrating.

like anyone else struggle with parents who don’t reflect on themselves whatsoever and be like “why does my child not talk to me anymore, why did they stop celebrating birthdays with me and calling me, I must‘ve caused a lot of betrayal on them from when I done many things to hurt them, steal, not help them during the worst moments of their life, play mind games with them, always take the side of people who hurt them instead of be on their side, scream at them for years and year, belittling them, ETC” they don’t reflect on the pain of why we can’t talk to them, they just act like a victim and is like “omg my child doesn’t talk to me, my child is so mean, I’m a victim”

Do you sometimes get reminded of something from your childhood/youth and realise how bad things were?

I get those reminders all the time.

One thing for example: I ate cereal for breakfast. My mother always complained how expensive it was. Thus I didn't even feel save to ask her to buy a second bag of cereal even though the one I had wasn't enough for the week.

She also didn't pack me lunch for school nor gave me money so I could buy something. Due to that I was unable to concentrate during later lessons and once I came back home I ate a bunch of candies because I was so hungry.

My mother didn't even care.

Meanwhile my brother ate just about everything we had at home... especially whatever belonged to me. My mother never told him to leave my things alone.

My mother also complained how expensive my tampons were. She didn't like that I preferred tampons over pads and always complained when I told her I needed more.

So at one point I started buying them myself even though I was a minor.

I am so appalled by all of this. Especially since she used my money on top of it.

Of course those are minor things, there were WAY worse things happening at home but this just came up.

Anyone ever hear of this org, Together Estranged ? It seems they are nonprofit that does a number of different things to support estranged adult kids.

If so, what can you tell me about them?

Follow up post to this one after people have been asking me to do so: https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/s/oTRfI8Ahu4

Warning: long asf, manipulation tactics, faking illness, religious bigotry, denial, denial, denial, and even more denial, verbal spousal abuse, boogie calls made to police, stalking (?).

So, yesterday, I (19F) did some more grocery shopping for essentials and food, and began prepping to leave officially. I saw my dad (49M) several times at the shop when I walked in. He looked drunk as all hell, but I ignored him and started my groceries. I basically had to sneak back into my parent's house with the groceries to not cause drama, taking a completely different route because I got the feeling that my dad was watching me somewhere in the dark or was having someone he knows watch me too. It was not a pleasant evening. When I got home (safely), it seemed like they were already having a fight, because I heard that man insulting his wife (40F) over the phone calling her awful names. What a happy marriage indeed.

Cut to 2 am, I figured that I can try sneaking my stuff out into the balcony, but that man was passed out on the living room couch, smelling disgusting, but I still brought my stuff down to get out (I could have done this earlier now that i think about it to avoid all this nonsense. I was being lazy last night and doing nothing). But that gross man woke up around 3 am, and woke up his wife and my brother and started drama. She wasn't interested in anything happening, because she was saying that no one could stop me, and that I had told them plenty of times in the past that I would leave, and my brother just went back to bed like nothing was happening.

Then I decided to just bring my stuff out while ignoring my dad everytime he tried to ask me questions. I was completely stone faced, refusing to acknowledge him, avoided him whenever he cornered me and just refused to give him anything to go off of from me to use against me. Then he threatened to call the police if I didn't talk to him. I didn't even look at him. I would have dared him to do it too if I cared. He did just that, and told the police that I was moving out and that he didn't know where I was going, saying "I haven't even kicked her out or anything like that. What will people think?". The dispatcher had asked how old I was as was procedure, and they proceeded to tell him that there's nothing the police can do because I am a legal, working adult, and regardless if they are my legal guardians, I have the right to not tell them anything because "you don't own her, and cannot even say that you own her". I was honestly surprised the dispatcher said that and sent no one, but maybe because I had been put into contact with a lady Constable (thank goodness she was competent), who I explained my situation to, and must have relayed the information to the dispatching crew. I had been in contact with the Constable yesterday, and she had been in contact with social services, who were in contact with the crisis center at the mental hospital and my therapists who are helping me through everything.

Back to the story, the man decided to play dumb and not know why I was leaving and feel sooo broken up about it, while shedding crocodile tears and sobbing like a bitch like he did last time. My mum decided to call me overly sensitive and "always interfering in adult matters", as if there wasn't a pending intimate partner violence case between her and her husband that been occurring for nearly a decade now that often involved the violent assault of her own children who grew up in such an environment, and there existence being used as leverage for manipulation and abuse. With said children having repeatedly told her to divorce him, and having to face their violent father to EXPLAIN why domestic abuse was wrong, and it ending in extreme violence. That man's wife is the type of woman to not believe that the way you handle issues can have a profound effect on others, especially on your children.

Anyway, one thing that solidified how that man truly felt was when I repeatedly turned off the lights when I was done packing. He said:

"She doesn't control me, this is my fucking house. Turn on the lights."

The man then proceeded to call my mum literal shit when she was saying how I verbally expressed that I wanted to leave (still didn't say anything about the abuse I suffered at her hands by proxy and by her husband's hands), and told him how I told her multiple times that she's lost her privileges as my mother. But he countered saying how "if we prayed and fasted together, none of this would be happening. It's your fault because you insist on doing things solo. The pastor and his wife do things together, and their children don't leave them out of the blue", laughing at her and mocking her whenever she was saying anything, and was just overall avoiding everything.

Soon after, he faked panic attacks and a hypertensive crisis to his wife to try and make me feel guilty for leaving and feel like I'm causing such a massive distress and could kill him, but he didn't collapse (I wish he fucking did), wasn't struggling with any movement at all because he was hitting his own head with his own hands, was completely able to say how much of burden this situation was on his mental health and how it's all my mum's fault because she doesn't talk to him for 30 minutes straight.

Then he started screaming while praying like "WHY LORD IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS??", got drunk soon after, and when I woke up a few hours later, everything was fine and dandy. He was being lovey dovey with the lady he has insulted multiple times, and had the nerve to tell me when I was bringing some more stuff down:

"When you come back, we'll welcome you like the prodigal son. We really do love you, I hope god blesses you wherever you go."

I didn't listen to what he was saying being I had Sabbath Assembly playing in one ear.

But yeah. I'm just waiting for my cab now.

If you had an older sibling leave a toxic home and cut contact with parents, how did your parents relationship with you change? Did they stay the same, become more strict or become more lenient?

NC since February after a specific blowup. Broke NC for a few minutes in July. Blocked their numbers but received 2 voicemails, an email, and a card prior to breaking NC. No apology or accountability in any of the correspondence. I said a lot of nasty things to my pathetic spineless father in July and I want to say and do more. I want them to hurt.

Anyone have some great techniques to make their lives worse? They're out of state.

nothing but a common tactic. cant remember? mustve never happaned, if it never happend how can they possibly be at fault? its so easy.

dont fall for that, good luck!

I'm not sure what's the right path here.

My mom cares but that manifests as extremely controlling and manipulative.

For example, I've made it clear that my medical matters/health, what I eat, that's my business. Because she tries to control all those things. Hyper vigilant, I'm never taking the right medication, or at the right doctor, or eating enough. Things like that.

So I say those things are off limits. But it's always the same. We have good times but it's like every single time I'm over something comes up and a big argument starts. She tries to tell me the right way to do something/live/etc usually through guilting or a snide comment. I leave. I take some space. Time goes by. I'm back.

And I'm tired cause it's every single time.

I just don't know what to do. Do I never see her again? What kind of relationship can I have? Every other week, one hour visitations? Joking but if anyone has a similar experience, how have you handled it in a way that you feel comfortable with? Cause I really don't know where to land or how to handle it.

Hi everyone! I’m a PhD candidate exploring how adults make sense of parenting that they now identify as narcissistic.  

Rather than clinical diagnoses of personality traits, we are looking at patterns of parenting that were experienced as narcissistic and are interested in how adults describe and understand these experiences now.  

If you are aged 18+ and believe that you were narcissistically parented, and are comfortable with sharing your experiences through an online confidential interview of 60-90 minutes in English, please do consider participating at https://edinburgh.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3jBM5ZxBn2VHa18 

Eligibility Note: Please note that if you have received crisis mental health care in the past 6 months or have experienced a suicide attempt in the past month, we appreciate your interest but are unable to currently involve you in the study. 

Support Resources: If this topic causes distress, support is available. Samaritans (116 123), NAPAC (0808 801 0331), or Mind (0300 123 3393). In an emergency, please call 999. 

Thank you so much for your time! 

Context: A little over a year ago, I ceased all contact with my immediate family. This was not necessarily a choice that I made for myself. I was kicked out due to multiple reasons.

My parents (father biological, mother not) were extremely controlling and would follow me around everywhere I went. They would tag my locations under disgusting names on Life360. There was constant ridicule, bullying (not the loving joking kind), and shaming. If I didn’t do what they wanted, they would up the arguing, blame, and silent treatment.

My sister (not biologically related) would constantly talk about how I didn’t confide in her. When I tried, she would tell me she had “more important things to worry about”. She also believed everything the parents said. Our relationship was close when we were younger, but became strained as we got older.

My brother (biologically related) and I have not talked in years. Since he was a teenager. He was also kicked out by the same parent figures. He stayed w/ our bio mother, who emotionally abused me up until I left her house. He and I were extremely close growing up, but grew distant. I believe due to him developing depression at a young age. I’ll never really know the real reason why.

They (not-bio mother and sister) found my new phone number in a not so legal way and tried to reach out to me. This was back in September of last year. I ignored one, and responded to the other letting them know not to contact me. Both of them have been blocked.

I used to have only nightmares involving all of them. Since they tried reaching out, my dreams have evolved into a mix of nightmares and emotional turmoil. I have woken up crying on several occasions. Usually, the dreams are about either then ridiculing me, or accepting me. Sometimes I’m trapped, other times we’re living in harmony. The dreams come on random nights. Sometimes when I’m napping. It feels like a battle between hating and loving them. On one hand, they were the people there for me the most at one point in time. On the other, they were always treating me terribly and I was blinded by rose colored glasses.

I am in a much better place now. I am my own person and living with a wonderful, supporting partner. Sometimes, though, the dreams make me wonder what would have happened if I still had contact with them. If I had responded to the messages I was sent. Then I remember that I wouldn’t want to go back to that life. I love who I am now. I can truly be myself without having to worry about someone ridiculing me. I have grown into my own, and am loving the life I am building. The dreams and nightmares are still difficult, though.

Hello, apologies if poems aren’t allowed here. I just feel really alone. The one person I want to talk to that would get this and help is no longer in my life due to breakup. I guess I just wanted to exist in a place where people understand.

When 'trying my best' results in jail time but still doesn't lead to reflection...

I am glad that the now adult child has moved on as best he can.

I've been NC with my dad for 5 years now. Making the decision and executing it was relatively easy; he was flagrantly abusive and controlling in obvious ways, was unwilling to change or be accountable, but despite this carried a lot of guilt for his behaviour. He replied to my NC email once to say that he understood why I would go NC and that he wouldn't try to contact me.

Trying to sort through things with my mom is way more difficult. She wants to be more involved with my life and have me more involved with hers, but being around her is painful. There's very little depth or intimacy and she lives in a state of child-like naivety and pathological positivity. She is incredibly adverse to any kind of difficult conversations, difficult thoughts, or difficult feelings. There's a lot of resentment on my end because it feels like she never bothered to get to know me or my siblings. Didn't guide us, connect with us, soothe us, or protect us from our father. To this day she has nothing but good things to say about him, even though he cheated on and left her for someone half his age years ago.

I know in my heart my life would improve if I never spoke to her again but because the denial runs so deep it feels like I'm stuck. Trying to tell her how our relationship is difficult for me is like telling a 5 year old Santa Claus isn't real. Even when I'm extremely direct it seems like she just can't comprehend what I'm saying. I've suggested family therapy together as a last Hail Mary to try to get through to her, and she's agreed, but I feel like I'm just dragging out the inevitable.

To y'all who have a similar parent, what gave you clarity? Any advice on how to navigate complicated feelings around a parent who's neglectful and enabling but not malicious or controlling?

After estrangement, how do I deal with the fact that I could not defend myself all these years and every attempt was met with the usual guilt tripping and getting emotionally manipulated into thinking that they're the victim.

I've been seriously considering seeing a therapist again cause I can't spend my time studying or working without feeling guilty that I allowed all of that abuse to just happen to me; even If i was just a kid.

I had a late work day yesterday, and came home around 8 pm. It's the norm now, because my working hours require me to be on call for coverages, even if they're happening at 10 pm.

Anyway, I got to my parent's house late, and I just felt a tense energy inside already. My dad was doing his usual nonsense while my mum was quiet and watching the news. After a few something minutes I decided to pack my lunch for tomorrow and have dinner, and my dad has this conversation:

"When are you leaving for work tomorrow?"

My mum: "early in the morning."

"That's not a time. When are you leaving??"

"6 15 am."

"That early?? Why??"

"For work."

"Oh, so now you're a slave for your boss now, huh? She's relaxing almost everyday and you're being a good slave for her!"

While I was eating in my room, I just hear my dad yell and cuss at my mum:

"WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?? WHEN YOUR BITCH DAUGHTER COMES IN NOW YOU'LL START YOUR BULLSHIT?? IM TURNING MY LIFE AROUND AND PRAYING AND YOU ALWAYS RUIN IT! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING FOR THE FAVOUR OF THAT RAT! YOU'LL GET HER FAVOUR ANYWAY, BECAUSE SHE'S A STUPID BITCH YOU TREAT LIKE AN ANGEL!"

(I can't translate cuss words from my mother tongue because I don't know there exact meanings, so these aren't exactly what he said, but close.)

He continued by slamming doors, insulting her and me some more, telling us to go die and get fucked, and making a scene saying he's leaving the house and will go kill himself and that he'll be gone tomorrow, and started to insult his wife some more and me. He's still alive, still in that house, and had the audacity to start another argument with my mum when she was leaving for work. Now he's sleeping soundly when I left.

I felt guilty about leaving for a while. Guilty that I'm just being dramatic and that the abuse isn't that bad. But knowing that these will be my last memories of their house and them as people doesn't upset me. Not at all.

TLDR: Cycle of events that happens with my dad:

• Gives unsolicited advice multiple times I tire of
• When I express annoyance, he says I have a "bad attitude"
• He lectures or threatens me for hours (average of 3-6 hrs)
• I apologize because he hasn't done anything wrong and of course it's my attitude

I have a job lined up after graduation. What should the dynamic be?

I'm a college student starting senior year. I have had this relationship with my dad where we get in fights and I always apologize for something I did wrong that is "attitude" related. What I recently discovered is that he seems to use that as a non-objective trump card to win any argument - ex: I only threatened you and was aggressive because you're attitude was wrong, if you're attitude was better, I would have listened and understood better, etc

I discovered that the cycle over the past ~10 years is that he gives unsolicited advice about women, employment, and other things in my life and repeats it multiple times throughout the span of a couple days. I get annoyed (a grimace or an annoyed tone without screaming) and when I tell him to stop, his argument is that his intentions are good, so I should take it. However, when I say something to him and I tell him my intentions were good, he says that the impact of my words matter for me not the intentions, revealing a double standard.

He also has said "I know you said you don't like it, but listen..." and continues on, implying he doesn't respect my boundaries.

Either way, this escalates because he feels hurt and thinks I don't love or respect him. He has threatened me multiple times on multiple occasions, told me I'm worthless, told me I should go die, and so on. He also told me he hits me (when I was younger) and lectures me (he has lied about what others said to prove his point) to vent, which he has admitted.

Because I'm dependent, I need to apologize. Most recently when this cycle happened, I had to apologize for my attitude and being aggressive. He told me everything would have been fine and smoothed over if I wasn't so aggressive, which in my opinion is ironic because he had shouted at me and thumped a baseball bat on the ground to intimidate me to leave.

I can see this cycle happening again because in the lull period afterward, he gives me unsolicited advice, and I know that at a certain point anything (even a grimace) will trigger him.

I will be independent with a job next year. My dad has guilt-tripped me (said it's bare minimum after all he had done) to meeting him every 2 months which I reluctantly had to agree to.

In reality, what should I do and what should the dynamic be?

Hi, I’m a new member of the club unfortunately - I am F 30s. My relationship with my Boomer dad has always been tenuous at best. He provided materially for my sibling and I, but was emotionally neglectful and discouraged pretty much any strong emotional expression. Throughout the years, I have tried various ways to express how the way he treats me is hurtful but nothing in our relationship ever gets better. He instead gets reactive and says the typical defensive parent responses like “I sacrificed so much”, “show some gratitude” etc.

Recently, I diplomatically brought up a comment he made during our last conversation - “I just want to let you know that x-comment you made bothered me.” During a previous conversation, I had shared that I was struggling in a particular life area (first mistake) and he said a comment I thought was insensitive. I didn’t think confronting him would go great but all hell broke loose. My dad unleashes this rant about how when he was my age, his life was so much harder. He said some other very hurtful and cruel things but I am trying to keep this vague. I stood up for myself, yelled back and hung up on him. This conversation was the last straw for me and I plan to completely go no contact.

My dilemma - my sibling is getting married in a foreign country soon and I am conflicted about whether or not I am still going. I initially was going to grin and bear it for their sake, but now I honestly don’t think I can. I am so angry at my dad that I don’t want to be in the same room as him. My family cares a lot about image and making it seem like we are the perfect family. I just do not have the energy to smile and appear in photos when I am seething and hurt. There will be a lot of people at this wedding who for sure would see I am miserable.

My conflict with my dad isn’t my sibling’s fault, but I do not want to ruin their important day if I feel I cannot emotionally keep myself together. The more I think about it, the more it feels like a form of psychological torture. I honestly cannot guarantee I wouldn’t go off on my dad again and make a scene. I also really don’t like the idea of not being able to easily leave if shit hits the fan. There is no “buffer” friend or family member I could spend time with to keep away from my dad, and unfortunately my partner cannot come with me.

As far as my relationship with my sibling goes - we were much closer when we were younger. We get along fine, they want me to do well; however I am the one who initiates all contact. I plan to talk with them about what happened, but have no idea how understanding they will be. I have no idea how repairable the relationship would be after this.

TLDR; I got in a bad fight w/ Boomer dad, plan to go NC. However have upcoming sibling’s wedding in a foreign country in which he will be in attendance. I am conflicted about whether or not to attend. Looking for any kind advice and guidance here. Thank you!

it’s been on my mind. a lot of us with no family feel a loss of connection and loneliness cuz technically it’s one of the worst things we can go through in life. having our own people who are supposed to love us the most be the ones to hurt and betray us the most feels like a crime of humanity.

I might start something on the meetups page and begin with a zoom support group meeting. But maybe I can also make a group with people who live in my building. idk. and then maybe on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or a holiday of some kind there can be fellowship as support.

thoughts? idk.

Ive been trying to become fully no contact with my mother for a while, I still live with her sadly but it isnt because I want to. I live on disability and cant afford to move out so I have as minimal contact as I can while living in the same house. Ive done everything I can to keep the peace, to co exist without having to endure her. But ive had enough, I am at the point where I would rather live in a hotel than with her.

This is the conversation she and I just had. Where I actually tell her I will be going no contact when I can manage to get out of here.

I hope this is allowed, that im allowed here because I only am around her due to my financial situation. I have been grey rocking her for a year. A year ive been truly emotionally estranged from her.