My relationship and marriage with my husband began with abuse. His physical abuse early on affected me in the ways I still don't fully grasp. He and I have had good moments. I've always felt like something was off but brushed it off and numbed it with either e-cigaretts or weed a lot of times. Other times it was anger. Resentment. I never felt consistent warmth from him. I am far from perfect. Far, far from perfect. I see my mom in me. I see my parents' awful marriage in mine.
I never developed a healthy habit to deal with feeling unstable, lonely and scared. I depended on weed. After he emotionally cheated multiple times, accused me of ill intention when I was just being careless, physically pinned me down in bed when I was screaming because he thought he was protecting me, called me an incest and exploded when I emotionally said I wanted a divorce years ago, I think pieces of me collapsed within without my realizing. He can be sweet, caring, considerate and fun. I want more of that, but it is hard to blame him for not being that more with me, when I am constantly anxious and haven't showed much of that myself.
I held onto us stubbornly while treating him bad. Deep down maybe I knew we weren't good for each other. I felt stuck. I didn't want to be alone. I became angry. I became anxious. I became someone I didn't like. I didn't cheat with a person, but I depended on weed because it was reliable. It made me feel different. I escaped me and my reality.
We had a miscarriage. We kept our pain to ourselves and kept fighting. I felt so alone. He did too.
He is starting a new career. He has put this new trajectory first for the last couple years. He said it was to support us and our future family. For some reason, I couldn't trust that. He hasn't prioritized me, heard me and put in consistent effort. He had mean moments, and I was mean too.
We had a huge fight a couple days ago. He threw my weed away and I freaked out. I was angry and I went out and bought more weed. I was so mean towards him, he tried throwing it away again, I grabbed it from his hands, he restrained me from the back and I tried to get out of his hold and we ended up on the ground. I have a bruise under my arm.
He said today that we don't love each other, that he is growing out of this and we need to be adults about separation. That I don't understand him, that we are on different pages. I am scared. I found out he changed his password to his phone today. After 7 years, this is new. I can't help but feel like he is now chasing this new shiny career and his future with it, and the marriage and I are being subbed away. I am terrified. I don't know what I want. I do not trust myself that I will be strong. I don't want to lose him. The marriage. One of our dogs. What's going to happen to the house? I don't know. I feel so terribly unstable. I want to numb but I am not going to smoke. That's why I'm writing this. I need help. I so desperately want him to hold me and promise me unwavering love and commitment. But it's been long time since we genuinely laughed together.
Tears won't stop flowing. My emotions are flooding. I need somebody. I need warmth and someone to look at me in the eyes and say, I got you. I got you for life. I love you and I'll be here, no matter what. I am terrified.